Pain Caused By Regrets And Self-Doubts - Judging Ourselves

Please go and read the article "Memories and Regrets" from Beyond Survivor - The Wounded Warrior Blog written by my friend Jan L. Frayne at the following link:

http://whatislove-2010.blogspot.com/2015/08/memories-and-regrets.html

Come back here afterwards to read my thoughts about this post.

The Wounded Warrior expresses the pain and self-doubts that many survivors carry inside, hidden from the world most of the time. Voicing the pain of surviving through writing whether it is a blog like Beyond Survivor - The Wounded Warrior Blog or like here at Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker is important because giving voice to our pain frees other survivors to do the same.

Some survivors, like me, were alone with the abuser. Other survivors saw other children nearby also being abused. 

For years, I hoped and prayed that I was the only one that my dad was sexually abusing. Years later when I found out that he was abusing my sister by fondling and making sexual comments to, I was angry and felt guilty that I didn't protect her from him. I was the older sister. I loved my sister and I wanted her to be safe. She wasn't.

I can understand why Jan Frayne took on the blame for the abuse of the little boy that he saw being strangled. I, too, have said to myself, what if I had told?  Maybe my sister would have been saved from her experiences.

Looking back makes taking on the blame so easy for a survivor. We are looking back from a position of power as an adult. We didn't have that hindsight as a child.

As children, we didn't have any power. We couldn't protect ourselves or another child. No child should go through the abuse that we did. Yes, we were victims.

 I didn't have the courage to speak up as a child or even as a young adult. I wasn't able to overcome all of my fears in order to speak up. I could blame myself for my sister being abused or I can put the blame where it belongs, with my abusers. 

If we cannot prevent our own abuse from happening, how can we possibly save another child? We are not responsible for what our abusers did. That is just another form of victim blaming, even if it is ourselves we are blaming. Others do it to us often enough without us buying into it too. Stop victim blaming. 

Shift from feeling like a victim to offering love and comfort to your inner child. Feel what you feel and then let it go. You don't have to stay stuck in victim mode. Give your inner child more reasons to trust you. "Beyond" survivor doesn't mean you will never have to revisit being a survivor or a victim. Healing means going back and forth between the three as needed to heal. 

Memories come up because you are strong enough to face them. Dreams are all of the stuff that you are afraid to face in the waking world. Healing can take place in your dreams too. Keeping a dream journal can help you to figure out what your dreams are telling you. Memories and dreams are both part of healing.

Forgive yourself for what you couldn't control. Stop blaming yourself. Blaming yourself keeps you stuck in the hurt. You deserve better. 

Jan, be gentle with yourself as I have seen you be with other survivors. Beyond surviving - thriving - comes slowly but it does come. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Allow your friends to support you when you need us. You don't have to be strong alone. 

I copied a statement from one of my favorite teachers today that I want to share with you here.

"With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself, or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow, or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose."
                                         -Dr. Wayne Dyer
Patricia

Forgiveness Can Be So Complicated For Incest Survivors

Forgiveness can be so complicated for incest survivors. Some ask how do you forgive someone who hurt you so bad when they were the ones who should have been protecting you from harm? How can you forgive the sense of betrayal by the person who holds the biggest place in your heart when your abuser is your parent or a sibling? How can you forgive yourself when you grew up being told, by your abusers, that the incest was your fault. If you hadn't seduced them, they wouldn't have molested you. If you had been a good little girl or good little boy, you wouldn't have deserved to be sexually abused. How do you forgive yourself when you feel only hate for yourself? 

All of those are questions that I asked myself and every survivor that I know has also asked themselves those same questions. I have also heard survivors say, "Why should I forgive those monsters that took my innocence and destroyed my childhood? Why should I forgive such evil people?" I used to believe that forgiving my abusers meant that I was saying what they did to me was okay. That is never what forgiveness says. I know some survivors who say that they will never forgive their abusers. I can understand that stand even though I chose a different way. When you pressure a survivor to forgive before they are ready, you are adding more suffering to the abuse. Please don't do that. 

For myself, I have forgiven my abusers and myself. Even if you choose to not forgive your abusers, you should forgive yourself and your inner child. You were a child. You were not at fault or to blame for the abuse. Again, you were a child.  You may ask, "What do I need to forgive myself for?" I have written a whole article about that self-forgiveness that I will post at the end of this article. One thing to forgive yourself for is believing the lies of your abuser. You didn't know they were lying and giving your their shame. You didn't know it was theirs and not yours to carry. Forgive yourself for being a child who couldn't protect yourself. Your abusers had physical and emotional power over you because you were a child. Learning to love yourself and letting go of the self-hatred are a very important step to forgiving yourself. You were a child. If you could have done things differently, you would have. You were not in control of your life. Your abusers were.

Before I could forgive my abusers, I had to figure out what I felt and who I was. For years, I turned forgiveness over to God and asked Him to deal with it until I could. I didn't wake up one morning and decided to forgive. Forgiveness was a gradual process over years of healing. Only in looking back did I realize that forgiveness had happened. Forgiveness isn't a one time decision. Each time that a new layer of issues come up, I choose to forgive again. 

For me, the choice to not forgive just means I am still holding on to some anger that I need to feel and work through before I can let go. Once I can let go of the anger, which only happens after working through my feelings, then I can forgive again. Holding on to the anger doesn't have any effect on my abusers but it can hurt me by raising my blood pressure and creating illnesses in my body and mind. When that happens, my abusers win again. I am not into letting my abusers win. They had control when I was a child. As a survivor/thriver, I am the person in control of my life and the quality of my life. 
Patricia

Related Posts:

Prelude To Forgiveness @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/prelude-to-forgiveness.html

Forgiveness Is For You, Not The Other Person @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/forgiveness-is-for-you-not-other-person.html

What Does Forgiveness Mean To Me @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/09/what-does-forgiveness-mean-to-me.html

Forgiveness, Done In Layers @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/forgiveness-done-in-layers.html

Forgiveness, Lies And Trust @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2013/08/forgiveness-lies-and-trust.html

Journey To Your Heart - Learning To Love Yourself After Abuse @  http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/08/journey-to-your-heart-learning-to-love.html

Healing Is About Love And Compassion @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/10/healing-is-about-love-and-compassion.html

You Deserve Your Own Love Guest Post @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/09/you-deserve-your-own-love-guest-post.html

The Case Of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress As Book Title

The tentative title for my book is The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress. That could change as I actually write the book but that is my thought for right now.

Over the weekend, I printed out the blog posts from 2007 and 2008 that might be included in my book. Those two years of posts have been divided into possible chapters.

Possible chapters are:  Introduction, Incest Story, Feelings, Change---Acceptance, Loving Myself, Inner Child, 12-Step Healing, Dad, Mom, Forgiveness, Protecting Our Children and finally Resources. Those chapter titles could change as the story progresses but this helps me to organize my thoughts for now. 

Over the next few days, I will be printing out the blog posts from 2009-2015 to be considered in telling my story of healing from incest. In 2008, I wrote over 80 articles, more than any other year that I have been blogging. 

Health issues and just living my life in general has affected how many blog articles I have written each year, with 2015 being the slowest year of all. My health seems to be better finally with not as many headaches since a doctor gave me antibiotics for a rash that I had on my feet several months ago. That makes me suspect that my headaches were allergy related with my sinuses being infected. With the antibiotics the headaches are almost gone. I have a history of sinus infections and that was the first thing that my doctor checked but she said that sinus x-rays are not reliable. Whatever the reason, the headaches are almost completely gone over the past month which is a relief after having them almost daily for about two years. I don't miss the pain at all. 

I hope you all are having a great week. We have had Heat Advisories almost every day for the past several weeks. I am staying inside out of the heat as much as possible. 
Patricia

Related Posts:

The Case Of The Three-Year-Old Adultress
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/08/case-of-three-year-old-adultress.html

Three Year Old Adultress Revisited - Inner Child Letters Series - 1
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/05/three-year-old-adultress-revisited.html

Three Year Old Adultress Carries The Shame Of Incest - Inner Child Letters Series
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/06/three-year-old-adultress-carries-shame.html

Incest, Healing And Moving Forward

I was in a conversation on Facebook a few days ago that stemmed from the following quote by Dr. Steve Maraboli. Here is the quote:

"THE TRUTH IS, 
unless you let go,
unless you forgive yourself,
unless you forgive the situation,
unless you realize that that situation is over.
YOU CANNOT MOVE FORWARD."

Here is what I said when I posted this quote on my Facebook page.

"For small situations, you can move through to moving forward pretty quickly. As an incest survivor, the process of moving through the feelings, forgiving myself and my abusers, letting go of it all has been a lengthy process that has taken years. There were many people who told me to move on, let it go, before I was able to. The truth is that letting go can take a long time sometimes. Talking about it, writing about it has brought it out into the open and out of the darkness of silence and abuse. In talking about it and healing my issues, I refused to be a victim any longer. Today I am moving from survivor to thriver and that is a very good thing."

Someone told me it takes courage to not let the incest define me. I do use the label of incest survivor in reaching out to others and in sharing my story, but I do not define myself as what happened to me as a child. I am so far beyond being that person that was molded by the hurt, the abuse and the betrayals. Working through the issues from the incest does not mean that I am stuck. I am moving forward, even today, years after starting my healing journey. Anyone that knows me well knows how far I have come from who I used to be.
 
I don't see myself as stuck in the past. I use that past to help others and I am still moving forward in my life each day. Child abuse has been ignored for so long and the only way that I see to stop it is to openly acknowledge it and to educate others. Instead of being silent about my own past abuse, I use it to let others know that they are not alone and can also heal. It is through silence that child abuse has been allowed to continue and flourish for so long and become an epidemic in our world.

Someone suggested to me this week that writing and talking about the incest can keep me trapped into identifying with the past situation and keep me stuck in my story. She suggested that I close that book and that I write a whole new story.  

Why would I want to disconnect from who I am? My story is a big part of who I am. My life is a story of success and others have told me, of inspiration. Why would I not want to share that with others who are hurting and think they can't ever get over it. I know that they can, with time and effort on their part. Sometimes you have to hurt enough before you are willing to move forward.

Incest isn't all of who I am. Everything that happens to me affects who I am. I don't know who I would be without the incest. I don't ever intend to shut up about incest and how it affected me as a child. 

If we don't educate people, who will. The child molesters will continue to abuse more children. Abusers thrive in the silence. They count on the silence of those that they abuse. They count on the subject to continue to be taboo in society. The silence gives them free reign to do what they want. I refuse to be silenced again.
Patricia

Forgiveness, Lies And Trust

Hi, it is Saturday and I am cleaning house. Actually I am taking a lunch break right now and wanted to write down and share a few thoughts going thru my head from a number of conversations I have been in this week. Here they are, in no particular order.

1. Forgiveness is not a one-time thing. You have to do it over and over as issues come up, your pain is felt and you have reached the stage of taking back your power from your abusers. Forgiveness isn't about the abusers. With forgiveness, I reclaim my personal power to not be hurt or controlled by another person thru their manipulation of my feelings, mind or body. My abusers may never know that I forgave them. I don't have to confront them or even tell them that I forgave them. Little things are easy to forgive. Big things take longer and some may never be forgiveness. That is my choice to make. I believe that it is okay to not choose to forgive some things if you don't want to or can't. I refuse to carry around guilt if I don't forgive and no one else has the right to guilt me with their thoughs on forgiveness. Sharing your thoughts on forgiveness is different than guilting me because I am not really or willing to forgive. Most people know the difference.

2. Lies are the hardest thing for me to forgive and I may never trust you again, depending upon the size of your lies and the depth of the hurt they inflicted upon me. Again, even if I forgive you, I may not tell you because I don't want you to think that I am inviting you back into my life. I am not. I won't give you the chance to hurt me again.

3. Trust doesn't come easily to an incest survivor. We were told too many lies as children and expected to keep too many dark secrets that no child should ever have to endure the pain from. Trust builds slowly but can be torn away in just a second. If you hurt me badly, don't expect me to talk to you about it. Chances are I don't trust you enough to be around you again, much less be vulnerable enough to talk to you and possibly be manipulated by you again. I won't open myself up to that. You may think that is not fair but was it fair to tell me lies that hurt me deeply when I found out about them. Everyone may not understand my reasoning but most survivors who were abused during their childhoods by those who should have protected them will understand, I think. I may one day forgive you but I will probably never trust you with my friendship again.

Now I need to get busy with some house work. I hope that you are all having a glorious Saturday. I am going to turn on some music and sing while I work. That always lifts my mood.
Patricia

Loving Yourself Means Letting Go Of Negative Labels

Many of us were labeled as children. Family systems have a label for every member. Labels like Family Hero, Scapegoat, Peacemaker, Black Sheep. Some of those labels can be good and some of them not. Either way, you don't have to continue being that label unless you want to.

I was the Family Hero. The recognition that goes with being the family hero felt good but the pressure to be perfect and to take care of everyone to the exclusion of myself did not. Sometimes people still look to me to fix things. Sometimes I can but sometimes I can't. When I can't, that doesn't make me irresponsible or bad, like it felt when I was a child and even young adult. I have worked to let go of the perfectionism and its resulting pressure to be someone that I am not.

Many survivors are made into the Family Scapegoat and the dysfunctional family will do its best to keep that person stuck there because then they can blame everything that goes wrong with the family on that person. This is especially true if that survivor suddenly starts to tell the family secrets such as incest. Many survivors and their stories are discounted because, according to the family, that person has always been sick, or a liar,  just no good, or some other negative label to takes the focus away from the family system and its dysfunction.

As a survivor, you can make the decision for yourself to not be labeled any more. You can stop believing the family &/or the abusers who want you to stay labeled. Stop believing that you are a Scapegoat, Black Sheep, or even Family Hero. You are what you believe about yourself.

Part of learning to love yourself is to let go of all of the negative beliefs - your family's and your own. You can become who you want to be. You have survived the worst that life has to give. That makes you strong. Start out by forgiving yourself for believing the lies. Look at who you are without the labels. If you don't know who you are, explore. Find out what you like and don't like. Sit with your feelings and learn to recognise them without the drama that dysfunctional families often create. Life is a journey. Decide what direction you want to go in rather than the direction that your family is wanting you to go in. Realize that you can make decisions for yourself. You have the right to make choices on your own rather than being controlled by someone else's behavior.  You are a suvivor so act like one.

It is okay to be timid and shy and even unsure of yourself. Making choices and guiding your own life may be new to you. You are allowed to make mistakes and detours along the way. Mistakes are just lessons waiting to be learned. Mistakes don't make you a bad person. They show you what is important and what is not. Mistakes challenge you to look at life and yourself in a new way which is growth.

Being you shouldn't hurt. Most of the survivors that I have been blessed to meet are strong, caring, kind people because they know what it is like to be controlled and hurt by someone else. You can't wish away the hurt but you can become a better you because of it. Use your strength to grow healthier, to help other survivors, to be a better person than those people who want to hold you down. Move forward even it is is just one step at a time. Reach out when you are hurting. There are plenty of other survivors who care and will be there for you if you let them. No one has to deal with child sexual abuse alone. Sending love and blessings to each of you who read this today. Be a friend to yourself first. Love yourself. When you change yourself, you change the world.
Patricia

Trust Is Earned, Not Freely Given

Trust and forgiveness are two of the hardest issues for survivors of childhood abuse whether it is sexual, physical or emotional abuse. I have written a number of articles about forgiveness and probably will write a few more in the future. Trust is what I want to talk about today.

Another blogger got me to thinking about the issue of trust. Darlene Ouimet of the blog Emerging From Broken recently posted an article - Is Trust a Necessary Key to Emotional Healing? I will share the link to this post at the end of my article for those who would like to read it.

Trust is not one of the very first issues that I dealt with in my healing journey.  I didn't even realize that trust was an issue that I needed to work on. At that point in my journey, I just didn't trust much at all. My husband and a few close friends had my trust and that was it.  Many survivors know what I mean when I say that I didn't trust.

Looking back at my childhood, I remember being in the first grade and learning that promises were not to be made because they were going to be broken. I am sure that my parents were the ones to teach me that one. When you live with lies, secrets and broken promises, you don't learn to trust, not even yourself.

Trust has two extremes. Neither one is healthy.
1. You don't trust anyone.
2. You trust everyone until they prove that you shouldn't trust them.

Even if you aren't an abuse survivor, trust needs to be earned rather than freely given. I have been blessed with many close friends over the years that I have made the decision to trust after they proved that they could be trusted. Most have not hurt me. A few have.

Two of those friends that come to mind were also my teachers. I won't share the details of the betrayals here. The important thing is what I learned from those teachers.
1. I learned to value who I am.
2. I learned that sometimes teachers are only with you for a short time.
3. I learned that sometimes we grow and our teachers don't.
4. I learned that sometimes trust of a person doesn't have to be forever.
5. I learned that even if you forgive that person, it doesn't mean that they automatically get your trust back if they come back into your life.
6. Sometimes people come back into your life just so that you can see that whatever business you had with them has been finished.

I learned that I have grown considerably since those teachers were in my life the first time. I don't need their guidance like I once did. I do love them for what they taught me.  I am just not the same person who took them at face value before. I have learned caution when it comes to trusting others. I don't trust as easily the second time and I don't trust completely. I learned my lessons and have moved on. I don't think that either of these teachers see the changes but I do. I am not angry with either of them and I don't feel hurt by their past actions so I guess you could say that I have forgiven them. I just don't need what they have to offer right now. The first time, I walked away in anger and hurt. This time, I walked away with peace and comfort in my own abilities and in making my own decisions. I listen to my inner teacher rather than needing an outer teacher. That was a big lesson for me.
Patricia


Is Trust a Necessary Key to Emotional Healing? @
http://emergingfrombroken.com/is-trust-a-necessary-key-to-emotional-healing/

Guest Blog Post on Forgiveness at Singing over the bones & rising from the ashes Blog

For those of you who are interested in more information about my struggles with forgiveness, I just had a guest blog article posted over at Singing over the bones & rising from the ashes Blog.  The name of the article is Patricia Singleton on "Forgiving". Here is the link for the article:

http://singingoverthebonesandrisingfromtheashes.wordpress.com/2012/02/24/patricia-singleton-on-forgiving/

Thank you to A Spirit of Healing for asking me to do this guest blog article. I appreciate the work that you do by sharing your blog and your story with other survivors. Together we can stop a future generation of children from being abused.
Patricia

Blogs That I Have Read This Week - Link Love

Hi everyone. January 2012 is almost over in just a few days. Where has this month gone?

Today as you read this post, I am in Texas visiting with my sister and her family. Since Daniel and I were in Idaho spending Christmas with our daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren, we haven't visited either of our families for Christmas yet. 

While I am enjoying our cookout (no turkey and dressing), I thought I would let you check out some of the blogs that I have read this week. This is just a sampling of what I read.  I read a lot of blogs every week on a lot of different topics that interest me. They are not all on incest or child abuse. I warn you that the ones that are on incest or child abuse may be triggering for some.

1.  The Doing Project: A Review @
http://www.craigharper.com.au/productivity/the-doing-project-a-review/
I participated in The Doing Project with Craig Harper and a lot of other people for 7 days. The challenges were just what I needed to start off 2012 to make it the great year it is going to be for me.

2. The Daily Awe: 50 Things I'm Grateful For - turning the blues into gratitude @  http://www.thedailyawe.com/2012/01/50-things-im-grateful-for-turning-the-blues-into-gratitude/

3.  Singing over the bones & rising from the ashes: Today's the day.... @
http://singingoverthebonesandrisingfromtheashes.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/todays-the-day/

4.  A Rape Survivor's Journey: My Story of Domestic Violence @
http://arapesurvivorsjourney.blogspot.com/

5.  Daily Om:  The Wisdom of Surrender @
http://dailyom.com/articles/2012/31868.html

6.  healthpsychologyconsultancy: What Constitutes Child Sexual Abuse? @
http://healthpsychologyconsultancy.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/what-constitutes-child-sexual-abuse/

7.  Knowledge Is Power - KIP Central: 9 Lessons on Loss, Forgiveness, and Healing / Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In @
http://kipcentral.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/9-lessons-on-loss-forgiveness-and-healing-tiny-buddha-wisdom-quotes-letting-go-letting-happiness-in/

8.  The Wounded Warrior:  Empty @
http://whatislove-2010.blogspot.com/2012/01/empty.html

9.  smart boy designs: Kim Peek's Guide for Creating Endless Blog Content @
http://smartboydesigns.com/2012/01/26/kim-peeks-guide-creating-endless-blog-content/

10.  More than a Survivor: Too Young to Know Part III @
http://transformingjourney-celesteka.blogspot.com/2012/01/too-young-to-know-part-iii.html

Some of these bloggers are seasoned and some are relatively new to blogging. Please leave a comment on each of the blogs and let the bloggers know what you think. Have a glorious weekend. I am.
Patricia

Healing Is About Love And Compassion

Just because I disagree with someone does not make them my enemy or me theirs, at least not in my mind.  Compassion gives me the ability to look beyond the disagreement to see what issues may be bringing up stuff for the other person. 

Self-compassion also gives me the ability to look and see if I have any issues being brought up by the disagreement. Through compassion, I can see the possible hurts on both sides.  I can choose to forgive myself and the other person and let go of my own hurts and anger, if I have any.  If I hold on to my anger and resentments, they only hurt me.  They don't hurt the other person.  Only their own hurts and resentments can do that to them.  Compassion allows me to send prayers and love to the other person, as I pray for and love myself. 

Healing is about love, first of myself and then of others.  If I try to love others from a place of hurt and anger, it doesn't work.  For me to love others, I have to come from a place of self-love.  Where love exists, hurt and anger can't stay.

Part of self-love is not hurting myself for any reason. I don't own this self-love 100% of the time.  I still sometimes put the needs of others above my own and I still, when really hurting from an issue, overeat.  Right now I am overeating or grazing as my doctor called it because the idea of writing my memoir is scaring my inner children terribly.  The idea of being that vulnerable and putting the secret of incest into book form is terrifying to them.  Because of that fear, I still haven't written the first word even though I have told several people that I would.

Another equally important part of self-love is not allowing others to purposefully hurt me.  Sometimes that means removing myself from that person's presence. 

With today's access to Facebook, Twitter and emails, sometimes removing myself from that person's presence means blocking them from access to me on the internet.  Many more people have access to me on the internet than those that I know personally in my own town.  Some disagreements can be easily settled and friendships remain in tact.  Others turn abusive and those are the ones that I won't stay in.  That doesn't mean that I am judging the other person.  There is a difference between judgment and discernment.  That doesn't mean that I think the other person is mean or crazy.  I just don't have to allow their issues to be transferred on to me and be used to abuse me with. 

Until I forgive a person, that person is still controlling me.  Forgiveness means working my way through any hurt and anger that I hold towards that person. Forgiveness does not mean putting myself back in contact with that person until they have forgiven me and settled their own issues. It does not mean accepting that person back into my life when they are still raging at injustices, imagined and real, that they believe that I have done to them.  Something else I have learned is, if my heart skips a beat every time that I run into this person online, I still have a connection to this person. I still have a fear of being hurt by this person.  I need to pay attention to this fear and work through it for my own well being.

If you are still raging and still blaming, you haven't reached the forgiveness stage.  Forgiveness doesn't blame.  Responsibility and blaming are not the same thing.  Blaming carries shame.  Responsibility does not.  Responsibility is a two way street.  I am responsible for my behavior and you are responsible for yours. Blaming can keep you stuck in anger and hurt.  Responsibility gives you the tools to work through your feelings and gives you the ability to take back your personal power from the abusers. Personal power gives you choices you might not have known that you had when you were stuck being a victim.
Patricia 

Related Posts:

Judgments - Discernments or Prejudice?
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/04/judgments-discernment-or-prejudice.html

Tools Of The Ego
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/04/tools-of-ego.html

Dialogues With Dignity: Progress Over Perfection
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/08/dialogues-with-dignity-progress-over.html

You Deserve Your Own Love Guest Post
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/09/you-deserve-your-own-love-guest-post.html

Dr. Phil Show on "Forgiving the Unforgivable"

I watched the Dr. Phil Show on Wednesday, May 11 and Thursday, May 12 for a show that he called "Forgiving the Unforgivable."  I am going to include a link here for the first of the two shows. 

Warning:  This may be triggering for some survivors.  I sat and ate through the whole show on Wednesday.  I haven't done that in awhile.  The Show triggered feelings that were intense enough for me to numb them with food.

http://youtu.be/xQv3Wf6CTAE 

"Forgiving the Unforgivable" is about two grown daughters, Marita and Katrina, who confront their mother about the part that she didn't play as a parent when the mother's boyfriend, later husband, was sexually abusing her daughters for years in their own bedroom.  I want to share with you the notes that I wrote down from the show.  I think the mother's name was Kathy.  That is what I am going to call her here.

Dr. Phil said to Kathy:  "What he did is different than what you didn't do."

Kathy said, "These are my daughters."
Dr. Phil to Kathy:  "Then act like a mother."

Dr. Phil to Kathy:  When you tell the victim that they should have told about the abuse, you are blaming the victim rather than the abuser.  Never blame the victim for the abuse.

Dr. Phil to the sisters Marita and Katrina:  Sometimes we have to give ourselves what we wanted from our parents.  What we didn't get from our parents, we can give to ourselves. (Reparenting is what this is called by some.)

Kathy at one point called herself "the wife of a sex offender."  She said this would always be her identity.

Kathy asked God's forgiveness in a moment of high drama.  What got to me was that she never once asked her daughters for their forgiveness.  Kathy kept saying over and over that she didn't know the sexual abuse was going on in her own house.  My question is how could she not know when she saw her husband in her daughter's bedroom on top of her daughter one night.  She looked in; he looked up at her; she went on into the kitchen praying to God for help.  She went back to the room; he was gone and her daughters were pretending to be asleep.  She told herself and Dr. Phil that she just didn't know what she was seeing.

I don't understand and neither do her daughters why she didn't go into the bedroom and turn on the light and ask her husband what he was doing.  She didn't ask because she didn't want to know.  She decided that she had imagined that he was in the room laying on top of her daughter, raping her daughter who was just an innocent little girl at the time.  She never asked her daughters or your husband about what she saw, about what he was doing almost nightly to her daughters.  Kathy kept repeating, yelling, that she didn't know what she saw that night.

Finally one of the girls or both, if it said during the Show then I missed it, told someone about what was happening to them.  The husband was arrested and the girls went to live with their father.  In court, Kathy sat behind her husband giving him support during the trial.  The day of the trial, Kathy went to her daughters and demanded that they call their abuser and apologize to him for putting him in jail.  When Marita and Katrina brought this up, Kathy openly denied that she supported a sex offender rather than supporting her hurting daughters.

Kathy cried and yelled at Dr. Phil and her daughters throughout the whole two days taping of this program.  She finally admitted that she was at fault but still never really took responsibility for not protecting her daughters.  Marita thanked her mother for her honesty during the show.  Marita has had counseling or therapy of some kind from the way she talked and handled the whole situation and is probably the older of the two sisters.  She wasn't as actively angry with her mother as Katrina was. 

I never had this kind of conversation with my mother.  When I told my mother about the incest, I asked if she knew about the incest and I asked if she had ever been sexually abused herself as a child.  She said no to both of my questions.  I believe that confronting the silent parent is in some ways harder than confronting the abuser.  At least, it was for me.  I still wanted my mother's love.  I was still, even as an adult, afraid of what my mother would say or do after I told her. 

I think, like Kathy in the Dr. Phil Show, my mother, at least on some level of consciousness, knew that I was being sexually abused.  She had to at least have wondered with as many trips as I was forced to go on with my dad.  I was never asked if I wanted to go.  I was always told by one or both parents that I was going somewhere with my dad at least several times a week from the age of 11 to 17.  My mother never questioned all of the time that I spent with my dad.  She just knew that he wasn't bothering her.  If she had looked at my face, into my sad eyes, she would have seen that something was wrong but she never did.  I look at pictures of myself as a child and see the sad eyes. 

Eyes tell it all.  Take the time today to talk to your children and to look into their eyes.  Are they happy or are they sad?  Be sure to look beyond what you want to see to what is really there.  My mom never did.  I always wished that she would have seen my pain and done something to stop it.  She didn't.

Thanks, Dr. Phil for doing this show.  Thanks to Marita and Katrina for having the courage to do something that I never did in confronting their mother and her lies.
Patricia

Why You Shouldn't Forget After Forgiving

Oprah.com sent out a recent newsletter with the topic of 8 Ways to Forgive and Forget written by Karen Salmansohn.  In the title of the post, Ms Salmansohn tells you to forgive and forget.  Forgetting isn't mentioned again in her post except in the beginning sentences:

"Letting go of anger and bitterness can work wonders for both your attitude and your health, not to mention your relationships.  Karen Salmansohn offers you eight ways to start forgiving and forgetting."

Forgetting minor incidences happens every day for most of you.  Almost without thinking about it, you forgive and then forget about so many small things that happen in your day.  What about the big stuff? 

Should you forget after forgiving someone for raping you?  Should you forget after forgiving someone who always crosses your boundaries?  Should you forget after forgiving someone who molested you for years when you were a small child?  Should you forget after forgiving someone who is still actively drinking and abusing others while they are drunk?  Should you forget just because someone apologized and said they wouldn't do it again?

No you shouldn't forget any of these abuses.  You can forgive the person but don't forget their actions if they are dangerous or still abusive to you or to others.  If you forget about child abuse, how can you stop it from happening again?  If you forget that a person is a pedophile, how can you make sure that they don't hurt other children?  If you forget about child abuse in the process of fogiveness, you can't stop it from happening again.  If you forget what was done to you as a child, how can you possibly not pass it along to your children? 

With forgetting comes loss of awareness.  Without awareness, nothing changes.  Some things need to be changed.  Some things must be changed in order for you to stop child abuse from being forwarded to the next generation of children.  It is your responsibility to do what is needed to make people aware of child abuse. 

Child abuse is never okay.  Forgetting clears the way for child abuse to continue and to claim new victims.  The same is true for domestic violence.  Don't forget either.  Victims die when you forget.  Be aware, don't forget.  You can forgive without forgetting.  Change happens one person at a time.
Patricia

DialoguesWithDignity Guest February 23, 2011

At 5:00 p.m. CST on Wednesday, February 23, 2011, I will be a guest on the BlogTalkRadio program of DialoguesWithDignity hosted by Ellen Brown, Dan Hays and Stash Serafin.  The topic is "Reconciliation - Is It Always Possible?"  Here is the link to Reconciliation - Is It Always Possible?  

If you follow DialoguesWithDignity, you already know that each of the shows are archived shortly after the live talks.  You can go to the same link as above to find the archived version of our chat.  Apparently BlogTalkRadio has recently made some changes and the live call will only be for 30 minutes.  In order to hear the whole conversation, you will need to listen to the archived talk which will be posted soon after the live talk is over.  I hope that you will come back here and leave a comment and let me know what you think.  You can also leave comments on DialoguesWithDignity.  The archived version will last one hour.

I will be speaking from the position of an incest survivor and adult child of an alcoholic who forgave her abusers.   Reconciliation sometimes comes with forgiveness but sometimes it doesn't.   Ellen, Dan and Stash thanks for inviting me to be a part of your program.  I am excited and looking forward to talking with each of you.
Patricia

In The Process Of Forgiving, Self-Forgiveness Comes After The Feelings

Forgiveness does not mean "getting over it" as some people will tell you to do.  There is no "getting over" no matter how much you try, no matter how much pain you are in, no matter how much you may wish you could "get over it."  In my experience, "getting over it" just doesn't work.

I tried many times and many ways to get over, under, and around the pain of incest.  I even tried denying my pain and feelings and wearing a smiling, happy face for several years.  None of it worked.  I even tried stuffing it down with food and denied myself access to my dad's family of origin for 10 years in an attempt to be happy and normal.  The reality was Hell instead.  I wasn't happy.  I wore a mask of sweetness with my friends and almost continual feelings of rage that kept escaping and affecting me and those I loved. 

In some ways, I recreated the home of my childhood.  I was the raging controller [my dad].  My husband was the passive-aggressive one [my mom].

I tried controlling and fixing everyone else's problems so I wouldn't have to feel my own pain or look at my own problems.  None of it worked and I still couldn't forgive.  I just hated myself more.  I ignored my physical and emotional needs.  I pretended they never existed, just like my parents did when I was a child.

I often tell others that I was blessed to have a dad and grandfather who were alcoholics because when I  was able to see myself as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I was able to finally see who I was and what the family disease of alcoholism was doing to my life.  Add the incest on top of that and the mixture was even more dysfunctional and often intense.

Getting a sponsor in my 12-Step programs was my second blessing in recovery.  Thank you, Jack.  He made me start attending Al-Anon meetings not long after I started Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings.  I can honestly say that Adult Children meetings saved my life and my sanity and helped me find myself where I was finally able to do forgiveness further down the road.  The Al-Anon meetings were about healthy and unhealthy relationships and helped me save my marriage and start a new relationship of healing and forgiveness with myself and my family.

I had to heal me before I could even think about forgiveness.  I had to feel and work through my feelings of anger, rage, shame, hurt, betrayal, trust, abandonment and safety.  I had to first create a feeling of safety before I could begin to trust myself or anyone else.

My 12-Step sponsor had me make a list of people that I needed to make amends to.  Then he told me to put myself at the top of the list.  Then I had to make a list of things that I needed to forgive myself for first.


That list for self-forgiveness included:

Forgiving myself for believing the lies of my abusers.

Forgiving me, the adult, for ever believing that the child me was capable of protecting herself.  I wasn't given the tools to do that by my parents.  I was just a child.

Forgiving me, the adult, for blaming the child me for the incest.

Forgiving me, the adult, for staying silent about the incest for so long.

Forgiving me, the adult, for abandoning my own inner children when they really needed me the most.

Forgiving me, the adult, for adding on more abuse by listening and believing my inner critic voices for so long.

Forgiving me, the adult, for using food to keep my feelings buried inside for so long.

Forgiving  me, the adult, for being so afraid all the time instead of living my life to its fullest.

Forgiving me, the adult, for allowing my rage to control me and for using that rage to hurt others.

Forgiving me, the adult, for living in denial for so long.

Forgiving me, the adult, for being so controlling of people and circumstances and becoming my dad the dictator, in the early years of my marriage.

Forgiving me, the adult, for hiding behind a mask and not allowing the real me to shine my Light for others to see. 

Forgiving me, the adult, for carrying around the shame of my abusers and believing it was mine.

Forgiving me, the adult, for not seeing the abuse of bullying that my daughter went through in her teenage years of high school because I was so focused on my own needs at the time.

Forgiving me, the adult, for not being a better protector of my daughter when a teenage boy made sexual advances toward her when she was 10 years old.

Forgiving me, the adult, for passing so many of my fears on to my children so that my son suffers from panic attacks today.

Forgiving me, the adult, for not being more emotionally present for my children, when I was so focused on my early recovery that they probably felt that I wasn't there for them.  In many ways, I wasn't.

Forgiving me, the adult, for lashing out at my husband with my rage before I reached the stage of being able to control it and hurting the person, other than my children, that I love the most.


The child that I was doesn't need forgiving.  The abuse was never her fault.  She didn't deserve to be treated the way that she was by her abusers.  She was blameless and shameless for what was done by the adults in her life.
Patricia

Links to other posts on forgiveness:

Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker's post
"Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting The Child Abuse"
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/10/forgiveness-is-not-forgetting-child.html

Emerging From Broken's post
"Forgive the Abusers? A bit of a Rant"
@ http://emergingfrombroken.com/forgive-the-abusers-a-bit-of-a-rant/

Overcoming Sexual Abuse's post
"What About Forgiveness"
@ http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/10/28/what-about-forgiveness/

Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker's post
"Revisiting Forgiveness"
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/06/revisiting-forgiveness.html

Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting The Child Abuse

DO NOT EVER FORGET THE CHILD ABUSE HAPPENED!

Over at the blog Emerging From Broken, a conversation is going on about forgiveness.  This isn't your usual discussion of forgiveness that you would hear at your local church or maybe even in your own family discussions on the subject.  This discussion is heartfelt and often bone-weary, by survivors who have thought long and hard about what forgiveness means and what it doesn't mean to them as survivors of abuse.  I have written on the subject of forgiveness more than once or twice here on my blog.  Please bear with me again.

First, and foremost, in my mind is the opening statement above.  I will repeat it so you forget.

DO NOT EVER FORGET THE CHILD ABUSE HAPPENED!

Why?  Because if you forget, the abuse---emotional, physical, sexual---that happened to you or to someone else that you know and love, how can you ever hope to stop the abuse that will damage the next generation of children.  If you forget, someone can come along and abuse you again.  You cannot stop what you are not aware of.  You cannot let that happen.  You could do nothing to stop your own abuse when you were a child.  Yes, the child abuse that you lived through WAS NOT your fault.  [Sorry about the shouting with all the capital letters, but this topic is important to me.] 

STOPPING CHILD ABUSE SHOULD BE IMPORTANT TO EVERY ADULT.  WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR PROTECTING OUR CHILDREN.

Darlene [Emerging From Broken], it looks like I caught your Rant.  Thanks for passing it along.  I hope that I do the same with my words.

Some words about forgiveness:
"You must forgive your parents."
"You must honor and love your parents."
"You should keep family matters in the family."
"Just forgive and move on."
"I am so tired of hearing you complain about your incest issues.  Can you just shut up?"
"Get over it."
"Heal already.  This has gone on long enough."
"I don't want to hear another word about your issues."
"Why can't you just forgive and forget."
"How much longer are you going to talk about this subject?"
"Do you have to talk about the incest all the time?"
"That was a long time ago.  This is now. Shouldn't you be over that by now?"

These are a few of the things that have been said to me to supposedly help me or shut me up and hurry me along on my way to healing and forgiving.  Did any of them work?  No, they just made me angry and hurt and helped me to doubt and abuse myself with questions such as:

"Why can't I just do what they say?"
"Why don't I just shut up and pretend that it doesn't still hurt?"
"Denial isn't so bad. Is it?"
"Forgiveness seems to be so easy for everybody else.  Why can't I do it?"
"I must still be so stupid, like my parents said, because I am just not getting it."
"Forgiveness is just something else that I am screwing up."
"I just can't get anything right."
"I am just no good or I could forgive."
"Maybe my parents were right and I'm just a bad seed."
"Everything I touch goes wrong."
"I am such a stupid Bitch that I can't even do forgiveness right."
"It is all my fault any way."

Did any of those statements make it any easier to heal or to forgive?  NO.  When my own doubts joined with the words of others to further confuse me and the issue of forgiveness, I was actually ever further away from forgiving than when I started out.  These words and doubts just gave me more ways to abuse myself.  Abusing myself is just another something that I have to do forgiveness for.  Is it any wonder that we often feel overwhelmed when we first look at forgiveness?

Well, I think that my Rant just turned into a series of posts because I am just getting started on what I wanted to say about forgiveness.  This post isn't the direction that I thought I would be going when I sat down out here on my front porch to enjoy the mild Autumn temperatures, fresh air and sunshine while I was thinking and writing out my thoughts.

If you reach the place where you can forgive your abusers, DO NOT EVER FORGET THAT YOU WERE ABUSED!
Patricia


Here are the three other blog posts that prompted me to sit down and write out my thoughts about forgiveness:

Emerging From Broken's post
"Forgive the Abusers? A bit of a Rant"
@ http://emergingfrombroken.com/forgive-the-abusers-a-bit-of-a-rant/


Overcoming Sexual Abuse's post
"What About Forgiveness"
@ http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/10/28/what-about-forgiveness/

Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker's post
"Prelude To Forgiveness"
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/prelude-to-forgiveness.html

Your Parents Did The Best They Could

When I first heard someone say that my parents did the best they could in raising me, I would automatically, in my mind, say, "No, they didn't!"  I would feel so angry at my parents and at the person who said that statement.  I was usually in a 12-Step meeting when someone said it.  I just knew that they were wrong.  My parents did not do the best that they could.  They abused me physically, emotionally and sexually.  How could that be the best that they could do?

Then people started saying, "Your parents did the best they could with the tools that they had."  Well, wherever they got the tools, they were pretty poor tools.  That calmed my angry a little bit but not much.  It still didn't feel right to me but since I was just beginning to feel, I wasn't sure why it didn't feel right.

Then one day a friend said, "Your parents did the best they could with the tools they had and it wasn't good enough."  Finally someone else was saying what I was thinking.  I could wholeheartedly agree with that statement even after I had worked through a ton of anger.

This week I was reading from the Dennis Wholey book Becoming Your Own Parent, The Solution for Adult Children of Alcoholic and Other Dysfunctional Families.  On page 237-238, Robert Subby, M. A. talks about this very subject.

Robert Subby says, " 'Well, Mom and Dad did the best they could at the time they did it with the skills and tools they had.' "
"That's all well and good, and who's going to argue with that logic, except that it invalidates all the facts about things they didn't do right.  'With that kind of thinking,' I tell them, 'you don't have any right to feel sad or angry because 'they did the best they could.' That way you end up minimizing your own reality and invalidating yourself.  What I want to hear from you is what you feel and that what happened to you back there really happened.  I want to hear you say that you have a right to those feelings and that those mistakes were not your fault.  Don't sit here and pay me good money and defend your mom and dad.  They don't need you to defend them.' 'But I feel guilty,' the adult child says.  And I tell that adult child, 'That's an issue you're going to have to accept.  Some part of you makes you feel guilty for having real feelings, and that's not Mom and Dad anymore---that's you.' "

Thank you Mr. Subby for saying it so well.  He says we have a right to feel angry, sad and hurt.  Those feelings validate the reality that we lived through as children.  He goes on to teach another valuable lesson when he says, " 'Now enough about them [your parents].  Who's been responsible for your life since you were twenty?' Ultimately, for adult children, that's the bigger issue."
"You must come to embrace personal responsibility.  As adults, you have rejected yourself.  You have abandoned yourself.  Given your history, it's understandable why.  That's what you were trained to do.  That's what feels comfortable."

True recovery starts when you realize what you are responsible for in your adult life and you forgive yourself for all of those times that you abused yourself by rejection, abandonment and disconnection from feelings or body.  You did the best you could with the tools you had and it wasn't good enough.  You deserve better.  You can't change the past but you can choose a better future.  Is it time to forgive yourself?
Patricia

Three Year Old Adultress Revisited - Inner Child Letters Series - 1

Dear Three-Year-Old Self,
I have two memories of you in my mind's eye.  The first is of the playful you, the smiling you, peeking out at you from behind the adult me.  You were so cute and joyful.  Nothing had hurt you yet.  You are the one that I wrote my article "Keeper Of My Creativity" about.  (Link at bottom of page)

The second memory is of you sitting in church with Grandma listening to the preacher talk about adultry.  You labeled yourself an adultress.  (Link at bottom of page) That tells me that something happened to you that year but I have no memory of it.  You were such an inquisitive, happy child in the first memory.  You were such a sad, perfect quiet child sitting beside your grandma envying the little girl in the pew in front of you in the second memory.  The little girl in the pew in front of you was your age, but you seemed so much older than she did.  You sat as quiet and as still as you could.  How hard sitting so still must have been for you.  You tried to listen to the preacher talking.  What saddens me is that in your little girl mind, you understood the basics of what he was talking about.  He was talking about how it was a sin to have sex with someone you weren't married to. He was talking about a married person having sex with someone they weren't married to.  That was what he called adultry.  How could you know what he was talking about?  This was an adult subject, not one little girls your age should know about.  But you did know, didn't you?  That saddens me and makes me want to cry for you, for the quiet little girl that you were.  I should say the quiet little girl that you became.  Just a short time before that you were alive and joyful.  If I could look into your eyes today, what would I see?  Sadness, hurt, tears of pain.  I know that sadness has been a part of both of our lives for a very long time.  I do remember being that sad child that you became.

I don't know who hurt you.  I don't know what caused you to let go of your joy and sense of wonder.  For that I am sorry that the grown up me was not there to protect you.  I would have protected you.  I don't understand why the adults around you at that time didn't protect you.  That they didn't makes me angry and so sad.  I don't understand why they couldn't see that you were hurt and hurting.  Why didn't they ask why you were so sad?  The sadness was there in your eyes for all to see.

This letter is more difficult to write than I thought it would be.  I don't know what to say to you that will make any difference in what you experienced then that changed you so much from my first memory to the second. 

I was in a 12-Step recovery program for a few years before you showed me the image of you peeking out at me from behind the adult me.  I guess I shouldn't call that a memory like the one of you calling yourself a three-year-old adultress.  One day in a 12-Step meeting I was talking about you as an inner child and you showed me this image of yourself standing behind the adult me.  You were showing me what you looked like and the essence of who you were before the abuse.  I knew from looking at the young you that you were about three years old.  That image in my mind was what you looked like before the abuse started.  You were a healthy, exuberant three-year-old bubbling over with joy for who you were.  You loved the world and you loved everybody in your world.  I can see the joy in your eyes and hear the laughter in your voice.  Even now I have such a clear picture of you looking mischievous as you peek out at me.  When did that joy leave you?  Why did it leave?  What happened to you to take it all away?  I don't remember.

You weren't that same child when you labeled yourself as an adultress.  Your eyes were full of sadness.  Your laughter was gone.  You hid your light so that others couldn't see it.  You hurt too much to expose your inner self to others any more.  You went into hiding at three years old and didn't come back out until 1991 when you showed yourself to me at that 12-Step meeting.  That was when you started to trust me again to protect you.  Even today I don't know what secrets you still carry around inside of you.  You haven't told me.  Even though part of me is still afraid to know, I am asking you to trust me enough to open up and share your secrets with me.  You can share your thoughts with me.  I am a grown-up and I can protect you from any more hurt.  I know that is still hard for you to believe but it is true. 

I love you and I won't let anyone else ever hurt you again.  You are safe.  I am open to whatever you want to tell me about that time in our life.  We are both safe now.  I am big so no one can hurt me or you.  I won't let them.  I am leaving the door open between us.  Whatever you want to tell me, we will handle it together.  Together we are strong.  You survived whatever happened to you back then.  Today we will both survive the telling of your secrets.  Any one from back then who could have hurt you is dead.  There is no one for you to have to be afraid of.  They are all gone now except for you and me.  You don't have to hide and you don't have to hurt alone.  I am here.  I love you.  I ask your forgiveness for not being able to protect you back then.  Today I can protect you.  Today no one will hurt you.  I won't let them.
Patricia

Related Articles:

Inner Child Letters Series @ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/05/inner-child-letters-series.html

Keeper Of My Creativity @ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/keeper-of-my-creativity.html

The Case Of The Three-Year-Old-Adultress @ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/08/case-of-three-year-old-adultress.html

Revisiting Forgiveness

The past few weeks have been a challenge for me to just get through the day. I am processing stuff from the recent family funeral and found that I needed to do some forgiveness work. It seems that forgiveness is always just around the corner waiting to be acknowledged again. Maybe that is why I have written about it so much.

Forgiveness, Done In Layers: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/forgiveness-done-in-layers.html

Happy Father's Day, Daddy: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/happy-fathers-day-daddy.html

Forgiveness Is For You, Not The Other Person: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/forgiveness-is-for-you-not-other-person.html

Prelude To Forgiveness: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/prelude-to-forgiveness.html

Forgiveness Starts With A Decision: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/08/forgiveness-starts-with-decision.html

What Does Forgiveness Mean To Me?: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/09/what-does-forgiveness-mean-to-me.html

You would think with all this knowledge about the forgiveness process that I would be finished with forgiveness by now. Recovery is a journey through all of the layers and believe me when I say that there are many layers to go through. Survivors have layers of emotions that often haven't been dealt with or even acknowledged. Many of us have layers of pain on the physical and emotional levels. Some of these layers of pain get stored in the body. When I first started working on my incest issues in 1989-1990, that Winter I got bronchitis for the first time since I left home in 1971.

When you revisit the childhood abuse, there can be body pains and illnesses that accompany the emotions that come up for you. Recently I wondered if the tiredness that I have been dealing with lately was because I have been actively working on my incest issues again with my writings on this blog. Depression and grieving can be an active part of working on abuse issues. My energy levels have been very low for the past 6-8 weeks or longer. As part of taking care of myself, I went to a Wellness Counselor friend recently to see what he thought might be wrong. He told me that about 8 weeks ago, I came into contact with someone who had Mono. I don't know how to spell the official name of Mono. In layman's terms, it is sometimes called the kissing disease because that is the most common way to get it. No, I haven't kissed anybody besides my family. My friend says that with the Mono, I got Walking Pneumonia. I have been coughing some lately too, mostly at night. He gave me some herbs to help the condition. The past two days my energy levels have begun to get better. I am taking care of myself. I am also doing Reiki for myself each night. As I told another survivor recently, I survived the child abuse and I will survive this too. This is just a minor inconvenience.

Happy Father's Day to all of you dads out there. Have a glorious day unless you choose to do otherwise.

The June Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: Fathers and Parents is found at the Picture of Experience Blog at the following link: http://pictureofexperience.blogspot.com/2009/06/june-edition-of-blog-carnival-against.html
Thanks to Cornnut32 for hosting the carnival this month. The Carnival comes with a "trigger warning: please read with caution, as many posts may be triggering to survivors of abuse." Having things that trigger flashbacks is one of the things that many abuse survivors learn to live with throughout their lives. Because of not feeling well recently, I missed the deadline for having one of my articles in this Carnival. I invite you to join me over the next few days to visit each of the contributors to this month's Carnival, read their articles and leave comments of encouragement and appreciation of their courage for each person that participates in this Carnival.
Patricia

Echoes Of Childhood---Family Hero Role

Recently I found myself falling back into a childhood pattern of being the strong one who supports everybody else and doesn't let them or myself see that I am hurting too. I learned this as a child by being put into the role of family hero. I carried it into adulthood by listening to and trying to fix everyone else's problems.

One day in a recovery program, I learned that I didn't have to be anybody's hero and I didn't have to carry the role of the strong one for everybody else either. As you can see, I haven't been doing it perfectly, which is another one of my issues---expecting me to do everything perfectly or I am not good enough. These are all echoes from my childhood.

My brother who is younger than I am called two weeks ago to say that he had been having chest pains for several months. He had gone to the doctor recently and found out that something was wrong with his heart. On Tuesday, April 22, he went to a heart specialist for tests to find out what was wrong. Tuesday evening I called him. He was back home. He had expected to spend the night in the hospital recovering from whatever tests and procedures the doctor decided to do.

The tests showed that he has a 30-40% blockage that is inoperable because it could shift the blockage and cause worse damage. He is on medication to see if stimulating his heart will make any improvements. He was told he can go back to work on May 4.

As soon as I got off the phone with my brother, I started to cry. I was supposed to call my sister but instead called my best friend because I knew she would be ok with me crying. She allows me the space for the frightened child in me to come out and cry. I talked and cried for awhile. My friend listened and gave her support while I talked and cried out my fears. I didn't even know that I needed to cry until the tears started and my throat was clogging up with emotion. I thought I was handling this situation pretty good. I guess I still have room for improvements.

I told my friend that I had to call my sister and let her know what the doctors had told my brother. My friend told me that I could have shared my tears with my sister and let my sister see my vulnerability. That is difficult for me to do because of the hero role that I was given as a child. I realized that my friend was right. That is why I am writing this article. My sister reads my blog. Showing my vulnerability to others, especially my family, is still hard for me to do.

The hero in me still wants to be everything to everybody. She wants to be strong for everybody else and doesn't want to need anybody else. I can't do that. It isn't even realistic to try to do that but I still sometimes catch myself trying to do just that.

Showing your vulnerability is difficult for many child abuse survivors because when you were vulnerable as children, you were hurt. Some part of me still feels that she, no; some part of me still feels that I will get hurt if I am vulnerable. I have to claim that part of me if I am going to heal. I have to go face to face, toe to toe with that part of myself and say, "It is ok. I won't let you get hurt. It is worth the risk of being vulnerable. That is how you let go of the pain."

Last night, I was hurting from all of the stuff that I have stirred up by making the committment to work on my issues again. Memories of feeling hurt as a child came up. Anger came up. My husband offered to sit down and hold me. I said no. I didn't want to be held. I was at war with my own feelings and my own vulnerability. I was angry at my dad for all of the people that he hurt with his sex addiction and his alcohol addiction. I told someone last night that my dad was a mean alcoholic. Then I changed it and said he was mean without the alcohol. The alcohol just made him meaner. I guess when I am ready, there is some more forgiveness work to do on this issue. I am not ready yet. I still have to feel the anger and hurt for awhile before I am ready to let go of it.

I received another award today. This one comes from The Filipina Mom in Denmark. It is called the KISS-ASS Blogger Award. You can find out about this award by clicking on the following link: http://www.filipinamom.com/index.php/my-first-award-the-kiss-ass-award-0552 and from MammaDawg at http://www.mamadawg.com/2008/08/kick-ass-blogger-award.html . I like the KICK-ASS Blogger Award too. In my current mood, it would be Kick-Ass instead of Kiss. Thanks to you, Ana for the appreciation. I am honored to have received the award whatever it is called. Like I have said in my forgiveness articles, being forgiving doesn't mean that I don't still get angry with my parents.

I also wanted to direct you to another article that is posted by Ana which is called "Deafening Silence." Go to the following link to read it: http://www.filipinamom.com/index.php/deafening-silence-0687 . This article talks about a recent visit to a park and is filled with practical information on what to do if you see or even suspect that abuse is happening to a child. The article lists the "Signs of Child Sexual Abuse" which are good to know. Thanks Finipina Mom for your contribution to stopping child abuse in your neighborhood.
Patricia

Finding The Answers---Do You Have Them All?

How do you condense one very eventful week into one article and not have it go on and on and on? You start at the beginning of just one day. I am going to start with today, Sunday, March 15, and go backwards. On the surface, my week doesn't look eventful. I was sick with a stomach virus and diarrhea for 3 days. Where was my week eventful? In my mind and heart, I made several important connections this week.

This morning when I opened my emails, one of the first ones that I read was from Lance over at the blog, The Jungle of Life. Every Sunday Lance does a "Sunday Thought For The Day" article. Today's article was the words and a youtube video about the song "Circle of Life" by Sir Elton John. The video is of Sir Elton John singing the song "Circle of Life" while you watch scenes from the making of the movie "The Lion King". You can click on the following link and go watch and listen to the youtube video:
http://www.jungleoflife.com/2009/03/15/sunday-thought-for-the-day-43/
Come back here when you are finished.

Sir Elton John's music was a hit starting in the 1970's when my husband and I were dating and then married. He has always been a favorite of mine, long before he became a knight in England. When "The Lion King" came along, I watched it with my children. I loved it and the song "Circle of Life". Both are so metaphysical in meaning. Thanks Lance, for reminding me of all of these memories today. This was a great way to start a glorious day.


Next, on my morning trip to the bathroom, I read the December 28, 2008 (which was also a Sunday) article (Hey, so I am behind. At least I am finally reading it.) of Daily Word, December 2008, page 42. It says,

"I am grateful for the constant flow of God's blessing in my life.
Gratitude
I welcome this day with a thankful heart. Beginning my morning in this way cultivates an attitude of gratitude not only for special occasions but for every day.
As I arise from a peaceful night, I give thanks to God for rest received and for blessings to come. This sets a positive tone, one that attracts life-enhancing experiences to me.
Sharing a simple 'thank you' with others generates good feelings. My gratefulness is contagious and becomes a positive, attitude-changing influence."

Next, I read this morning's March 15, 2009 Daily Word on page 29. It starts out with the words,
"Trusting in God, I am fulfilled.
Centered
When events do not turn out as I planned, I don't let myself become bogged down in disappointment or allow my enthusiasm to wane. In prayer, I bring myself back to center. I turn my perspective around so that I see things in a new way and celebrate the good that is always there for me. . . . ."

"Turning around to face my good, I realize that what might have at first discouraged me will prove to be the dawning of a greater, more fulfilling experience."

I will leave you on your own to gather what the above statements might mean to you personally. If you want to share in the comment section below, you can. I am still sorting through my own stuff right now so am not yet in a place of sharing it with you.


On the past few Wednesday nights, I have gone to an Al-Anon meeting with my friend. When she asked me to go to these meetings with her over a year ago, I didn't realize that I needed the meetings as much as she did. I don't live with an alcoholic. I haven't since I was 19 and left home. What I do live with is myself and my husband. Both of us are adult children of alcoholics. Those patterns of behavior seem to be engrained within both of us and still get activated in times of stress like I wrote about in last week's article "More Patterns of Behavior Means More Awareness" which you can find at:
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/03/more-family-patterns-of-behavior-means.html
At this week's Al-Anon meeting which was on the topic of "You are only as sick as your secrets.", I was aware of a part of me that some call "the watcher". A part of me was watching and listening to what was being said and to my reactions to what was being said.

Usually as I am listening to every speaker, I am planning what I will say when it is my turn, rehearsing it in my mind. This time, instead of rehearsing, I touched the part of me that I have been holding back from the group. To a degree, I do this all the time. I think we all do. It is easier for me to do this because of the childhood belief that I need to protect myself from you or you will hurt me. One of my secrets that I got in touch with but haven't shared with the Al-Anon group is that they scare me still. (I haven't shared it because as I was typing the last sentence, I just got it myself. So you can see, I am still figuring out some of the lessons that came at me this week.)

What I did share with the Al-Anon group was that when I came into Al-Anon in 1989, I didn't trust women at all. In my mind, women were more likely to judge me harshly because of the incest than men were. (This was my belief. I don't know if it was true or not but it was my belief.) For awhile, trusting women less than men didn't make sense to me because it was men that sexually abused me. What I said in the meeting was that I thought women would judge me harshly because the women in my childhood were judgmental.

My mother who was always angry but rarely voiced it. Silence was my mother's weapon of choice. I have attracted people to me with that trait until I learned that their silence wasn't a weapon unless I allowed it to be. I also found out that if I didn't act out their anger, then they were more likely to voice it for themselves. Voicing it makes it possible to deal with the anger. With anger came judgments.

My grandmother and mother were always angry at each other since before I was a child. I could always feel the judgments going back and forth between the two of them without understanding what it was about. I know they loved each other and they were also angry with each other.

I think that I have probably shared the story about one of my maternal aunts telling me that I was going to Hell because I was wearing shorts. I was about 5 or 7 years old at the time. A part of that child must have believed her because that is still a strong memory of mine. She was never one of my favorite aunts. I was afraid of her as a child. As an adult, I felt angry with her for being such a religious fanatic. Now I can see how unhappy she was. I can forgive her.

I can forgive those women in my life who were judgmental and who taught me to be judgmental. For me to fear being judged, some part of me is still judging me or I wouldn't be afraid. I can take this a step further and forgive that judgmental part of myself. She is still a child afraid of being hurt. I can take her into my arms and into my heart and hug her until she doesn't hurt any more. Usually my solar plexus is where I feel all of this. My heart is what feels this and hurts for the little girl. I think that I need to go and just sit with this for awhile.

I hope that by sharing the above process it will help someone else to heal what may still need healing. As you can see, I still don't have it all figured out for myself. Isn't that what this life is all about---finding the answers for yourself?
Patricia