Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Childhood Memories

Written on January 27, 2005 at 1:00 a.m.

When I was born, I wasn't supposed to have survived being born. I was told this by a Seer in India. My Mom had built up so much grace in her past lives and she really badly wanted a child, her request was granted and so I was born.

Like most children, at some time in their lives, I used to wonder if I was adopted. I didn't fit in my family. I was nothing like my brother or my sister. I always felt smarter and older than my Dad. I was my Mom's protector. Mom taught me that to feel hurt too much. I don't think I was ever allowed to be the child with either of my parents. So, little girl, I don't know how to play.


One is alone, crying, dying, surviving.

Two is alone, trying to be quiet, afraid of and wanting someone's attention.

Three is calling myself an adultress.

Four is a little girl in an Easter dress.

Five is starting school too young, a week-long ear ache, learning to whistle really, really, loud just for the wonderful sound of it.

Six is my first boyfriend and girlfriend and love of a teacher, being Mother Mary in the school Christmas play.

Seven is when my Grandma's house burned down and everything changed. I don't know how or why.

Eleven is loss of innocense and childhood. I become Woman---Wife---Mother---for my parents.

Do I have any happy childhood memories? Probably, but if I do, they are well hidden. With 2 angry parents, can the children be happy? If you have happy memories of your childhood cherish those memories and hold them close. You are blessed.

When you suppress bad memories, good ones also get lost in the process. The mind doesn't destinguish between good and bad. It erases memories that you want it to plus some that you don't want it to. The subsconscious does not distinguish between the two. That is probably why so many abuse survivors don't remember much of their childhood. The few good memories that I do have were always time spent at my maternal grandmother's house, not the house of my parents.

This was not written to depress anyone. It is written to let other survivors know they are not alone in what they feel and what they remember or don't remember about their childhoods. As an adult, I have built many good memories with my husband and my children to make up for those that I don't have of my childhood.

Sometimes, we forget just so that we can survive the abuse. I have conscious memories of the incest happening for six years from the age of 11-17. I have art work that I did in counseling that suggests that the incest started when I was much younger. I have a memory of when I was three years old and called myself an adultress that suggests the incest may have been happening as early as 2-3 years. For two years, it bothered me that I could not remember why I called myself an adultress. The implications are there but that is all that I have. Then I realized that the mind of a three year old does not having the coping skills of an eleven year old. The way that the mind of the three year old dealt with the (possible) abuse was to totally block it out except for this one memory of labeling herself as an adultress. The mind does protect us in this way. Another way that some incest survivors take is to become a multiple personality. It is just as valid of a survival tool as forgetting or blocking memories.

Conscious Language---Using The Law Of Attraction More Effectively

The following article was written after I watched a video from the following website:

The Law of Attraction is really about watching our choice of thoughts and words. Conscious Language from is a great way to do this. Their founder says that sometimes all it takes is the shift of a few words to change your whole world.

Did you know that each time you say, "I want" or "I need" that you are focusing on lack? When you say "I want", you are in effect saying "I don't have this." "I need" works the same way by saying, "This is not in my life." Lack! Lack! Lack! Is more lack what you want (Change that last word to 'choose'.) to create?

Instead of "I want" or "I need" substitute the following choice of words.
I have. . .
My choice is. . .
My outcome is. . .
My choice of outcome is. . .
I can. . .

The best positive reinforcement for Conscious Language statements is any statement that starts with the words, "I AM." "I AM THAT I AM." is one of the most powerful statements that you can say to connect yourself to the Source of All That Is.

Never use "I Am" with words that you don't want to create. A better Conscious Language way of saying this statement in a positive manner would be, "Use I Am statements for manifestation of the results that you choose to have happen in your life."

Start to use and make statements with the following words and see what changes can happen in your life.

I can. . .
I am. . .
I will. . .
I will it so. . .
I have. . .
I love. . .
I create. . .
I enjoy. . .

Make these statements with feeling and watch how quickly that your heart's desire will manifest in your life. Have a glorious day.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Prayer Request From Patricia

Hi. This is a quick note and request for prayers for my mother-in-law, Virgie Lindsay. Virgie is going into the hospital on Friday, October 26 for possible heart surgery in Bossier City, Louisiana at Willis Knighton North Hospital. She is 85 years old and except for her heart in relatively good health. She had her middle son who lives with her call my husband last night. She had just gotten home from 2 days of being in ICU with a very rapid heartbeat.

A friend of mine who is a healer and psychic has told me that it is not Virgie's time to die, unless she lets her fears guide her in that direction. That is the gut feeling that I get as well. I have already started my own form of healing energy work on her and hope to be able to talk to her in the morning before whatever proceedure that the doctors decide to preform.

My request to each of you is for prayers and the offering of whatever healing energy work that you may feel called upon to use in Virgie's behalf also. Thank you for whatever you can do. Just prayers are fine too. If you know of any prayer circles or prayer groups, please put Virgie's name in those prayer groups. Again, thank you.

We are leaving in the morning, at her request, to be at the hospital with her. The decision to do heart surgery or not will be made tomorrow morning around 11:00. Reiki during surgery is not a thing that you want to do because it will make bleeding easier but any other form of healing will be appreciated. I will not do a Sunday post because I don't know when we will get home from Louisiana. I will post an update as soon as I know anything and am back home with access to my computer.

Thanks to all.

A Season Of Gratitude---Home From India

Nneka at Balanced Life Center has sent out an invitation to write and post articles on the subject of what you are grateful for in your life. She is the inspiration for me writing this article. Thanks, Nneka.

After coming back from each trip to India, this one in Sept./Oct. 2007 and the previous ones in March/April 1998 and July/August 1999, I am always grateful that I was born an American this lifetime. Most Americans have no idea how truly blessed they are by being born in a land of plenty. Believe it or not, but even our poor are rich by India standards. Maybe it is the sheer numbers of beggars that you see on the streets of India but there is a difference. I do know that many Indians looked at my American friend and I and saw "rich" Americans. To begin with, the money that we spent to fly from Arkansas to India and back is much more than the lower class in India makes in probably several years. By American standards, my friend and I are in middle class America, far from being rich, money-wise.

I am rich in so many other ways. Money-wise, I have the money to save and spend on my basic needs and a few luxuries. Basic needs of water, food and shelter, in America, are considered luxuries by some in India. In India, from what I have seen (I have only been to southern India.), there are two classes of people---the very poor and the very rich. There may be other classes in between these two, but they aren't very visable if they exist.

I come back from my India trips extremely grateful for clean, running, hot water and electricity. A warm shower feels so good at the end of a long day. Drinking water out of a faucet is definitely appreciated. Try brushing your teeth with water out of a bottle to see how convenient it is.

Electricity that is always available with a rare interruption of power is wonderful. Electricity is available but goes off at least once a day for 2-10 minutes at a time in the ashram.

In the hotel that we stayed in at Bangalore, we actually had a bathtub which my roommate loved. I prefer a shower. I never have liked sitting in dirty water. The water for showers in the ashram might get to luke warm during the middle of the afternoon. In the early mornings, after a night of sweating from my sinus infection fevers, the water was cold, especially if I still have a fever. After the initial gasp of shock, the water didn't feel so cold. At night if you took a shower before going to bed, the water was back to being cold. It is so nice to have warm water coming from your shower. As I have stated in one of my earlier articles, our room at the Brindavin ashram in Whitefield which is just outside of Bangalore (our first India trip), we had a faucet near the floor, a drain in the floor and a bucket and dipper which was what our shower consisted of.

I am grateful for soft toilet paper that moves with your hand and doesn't stick to the first part of your bottom that it touches. I know you are probably laughing at that one but it is true. I am grateful for toilet paper that didn't just come straight off of the tree with wood fibers that you can actually see still in it. Soft is very, very nice. If you ever go to India, buy the biggest rolls that you can find and take several with you depending upon how long your trip is. You can buy what they call toilet paper in the stores there. You will wish that you had listened when I said buy your own from home and take it with you.

I am grateful for my soft bed. I didn't realize how soft it was until I got back home after my most recent trip. Even in the hotel, the bed was hard as the floor. Actually, the floor might have been softer. I tried two mattresses on my bed in the ashram and my friend who is afraid of bedbugs had us take my husband's two blow up mattresses that he uses for sleeping out on hiking trips. Ever those blow up mattresses didn't make the beds any softer. Do I hear you saying, "She really is a very spoiled American." Hey, I admit it. I am spoiled by the American life style. I had no idea that I was spoiled until my first trip to India. I am also very grateful for this life style, even more so after these trips. That is why I have trouble believing the Indian Astrologer who said I would eventually retire in India at the ashram and just come back to the USA occasionally to visit family. Is he out of his mind? Do he and Swami know something that I don't? We will see what the future brings. It is truly full of possibilities.

I am grateful for hot food that doesn't burn my tongue and my throat and everything else that it touches with pepper. Mexican food is not hot compared to Indian food. What I thought of as hot Mexican food is no problem to eat after a trip to India. Hot and spicy is worse when you have a sore throat from sinus drainage. I love their hot food when I don't have a sore throat. I drink lots of lots of water to cool the fire of each bite.

I love cool weather of the Fall days of October in the USA. Temperatures were in the high 80's to low or mid-90's when we were at Puttiparthi. I love not sweating. Next time I will take a thermometer with me so I will know exactly what the high for each day is.

I am grateful for being back home with my friends and family. Mail moves much slower in India than in the U.S. I got home quicker than some of the post cards that I mailed home on my first week in India. We didn't take my friend's cell phone. She doesn't have international service on it and I don't own a cell phone. My husband thinks it is an expense that we can live without. There was a phone place that we could go to near our room in the ashram. I told this story in one of my other articles. Calling home is difficult because of the time differences. 10:00 a.m. India time was near midnight Arkansas time the one time that I called and spoke to Daniel.

I did have to come home and tell my husband that, "Yes, they do have cell phones in India." As one of my new friends stated in jest, "Why, even the dogs in the ashram have their own cell phones." I saw an article in the newspaper on our second day in the hotel that said that the use of cell phones was beginning to be the cause of auto accidents in Bangalore. Some of the drivers are beginning to be distracted from their driving because of cell phone calls. Believe me, driving in India takes your full attention. You cannot drive intuitively and be distracted by a phone conversation. I don't even want to talk to the driver and possibly distract him from his driving when we are in the taxi or motorized rickshaw. One Indian hotel employee laughingly offered us a ride on his motor scooter. I laughingly refused. No thank you. Not enough protection between me and the other drivers. A rickshaw does offer some protection from dents and bruises. Scooters usually have one-three riders at a time. Not for me. My adventurous spirit does not go for foolhardy.


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Expectations---India trip

A friend asked me to talk about my India trip to her library group on Wednesday, October 24. I told her that it was too soon to talk about my trip in front of a group yet. I am still processing everything that happened and all of the lessons that I learned, most of which came about because of my illness. I am still not ready to face a crowd of people yet either. The few times that I have gotten out this week have really drained my energy. I feel like I am still on India time. I have been in bed between 9:00-10:00 p.m. every night since I have been home and I wake up between 4:30-6:00 a.m. just like I did in India. Rather than get out of bed that early, I will usually turn on one of my meditation tapes and listen to that until at least 7:00 a.m. before I get up. Before this trip, I would go to bed between midnight and 2:00 a.m. and get up between 10:00-11:00 a.m. every day. I am over jet lag and have been emailing and talking to friends about my India experiences so I decided it is time to start writing about all of those experiences.

Before I started writing, I went back and reread my articles that I wrote about my previous India trips to make sure that I don't repeat what I have already written. So here goes.

From my journal entry on Monday, September 24, 2007, somewhere flying over the Atlantic Ocean. (I don't know how many time zones we have gone through, so it may be early Tuesday, September 25 already.)

"What do I expect from this trip to visit Sai Baba? I feel a bubble of joy go through me when I realize we are really doing this. I want to meditate more and write more while we are in India. (I took extra ink pens, paper and notebooks to have on hand to be able to do all of this extra writing, none of which happened. I did get one article written that I will post at a future date but I was too sick to do any other writing than in my journal each day.)

I want to hear the Universal OM that I experienced on my last trip to Puttaparthi where when I listened even the heavy construction machinery seemed to be saying OM. I want to hear and feel that Universal vibration of creation again. (I didn't hear the OM that I heard my last trip, no matter how much I tried. What I did hear was almost constant chanting. I couldn't tell you the words but I knew it was chanting.)

I want to feel and know that I am God, that we all are God united as One. I want to come home with that inner glow that Ric says I came home with after my first trip. (No one has told me that I am glowing but I "KNOW" that I am different than when I left home on this trip. I also came home at least 10 pounds lighter because of being so sick and not eating much.)

I want to give cheerfully of myself in service at the food cantina helping to dry dishes after meals. (We were too busy doing other things and learning other lessons to do much of this on our first trip to Puttaparthi. I told Swami that when I came back to India on my next trip that I would do more service in the kitchen after meals.) During our first trip to India, when we were working in the kitchens at the Brindavin ashram in Whitefield, I was given the honor of drying Swami's dishes after one of the meals. I wanted to keep it to myself and I wanted to share it with Sherryl and Ki and the rest of the world that I was chosen for that honor from a whole room of women. (Swami had other plans for us this trip too. We only ate in the cantina 3 times and the only time we helped dry dishes, Sherryl's fingers started to bleed from being in the hot water. This wasn't the form of service that Swami had in mind for us.)

I want to experience the joy of meeting new friends from all corners of the planet. In KodaiKanal in 1998, we sang bhajans (songs of worship to God) with ladies from Russia who had beautiful voices but didn't speak any English and we didn't speak any Russian.

On a roadside in the middle of nowhere, I sang bhajans with a black man from Jamaica who was my teacher at the time and a beautiful spirit of a lady from Romania who spoke more with her heart and her beautiful, loving eyes than she did with her broken English. We sang while we watched the sun rise and everyone else was asleep in our broken down, rented van while we waited to be rescued. That was an experience that I will always cherish because we were three hearts touching and becoming One heart beat as we watched the beauty of Nature unfold for us in the quiet of an early morning."

These were my expectations of what I thought would happen on this trip to India. These were the things that I wanted to happen this trip. As you can tell from my added comments, Swami often had other plans for us.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

A Tribute To My Traveling Companion---India Trip---Sept./Oct. 2007

I am home from India. I got home around 8:30 p.m., Central Standard Time, Monday, October 15, 2007 as scheduled. I am back in Hot Springs, Arkansas, USA, feeling spoiled and enjoying every minute of it. I appreciate being born an American more each time that I visit India and all of its hardships.

In this first article about my trip, I want to tell you about my traveling buddy. I could not have asked for a better traveling companion than my friend Sherryl. You met Sherryl very briefly in my article The Most Influencial Person---#5---Best Friends.

Before I made this trip, I knew that Sherryl is a great healer. I tell her that a lot. She is very humble about her healing abilities. Sherryl is my Reiki teacher. I have taken Level I and II from her and plan in the next few years to take Levels III, IV, and V from her and also become a Reiki Master like she is. Sherryl has incredible power in her hands. She is also an extremely caring person.

Sherryl sees things that I miss. She sees auras and has wonderfully detailed dreams most nights. She is a deeply spiritual person.

One day while we were walking through the ashram, she pointed out an older Indian lady who was having problems getting her walker down the stairs. Sherryl and I both rushed over to help the lady down the last few stairs. I happened to get there a little ahead of Sherryl. I moved the walker down the last two stairs and offered my hand to the lady. She thanked me and told us that she had been praying to Swami that he would send help to her. I told her that it was my friend Sherryl who saw her. I would have walked by and never seen her if not for Sherryl pointing her out to me. Because of my illness, I was more focused inward than usual and did not even see that the lady needed help.

I am writing this article to say, Thank You Sherryl for being such a good friend and for taking care of me when I was too sick to take care of myself. You being there with me made the trip much easier when I was too sick to cope on my own. Thank You Swami for having Sherryl come with me.

Sherryl and I have known each other since we met in a meditation class sometime in 1997. Each of our three trips have bought us closer together as friends.

On the second or third day in the ashram at Puttiparthi, I got sick with the worst sinus infection and cough that I have ever had. Not only my head and face hurt but my top teeth were very sore from the infection. I have never had my teeth hurt with a sinus infection. I usually get at least one sinus infection a year so I knew what it was that was wrong with me. My ears were also stopped up, especially the left one which is still filled with fluid.

Another story will be about the healing lessons that I received during my almost sleepless nights with this illness. I coughed really hard during the day and more so at night when I would try to go to sleep. The only way that Sherryl got any sleep was by using ear plugs and taking sleeping pills. I still managed to wake her up a few times when the coughing was especially bad. The last three nights in the ashram, I tried sleeping partially sitting up. It didn't make much difference. I still coughed. Another friend bought me cough medicine which didn't help either.

Before this trip, for several months, I have been experiencing pain across my back where my kidneys are. Sherryl and I both did Reiki on each other's kidneys three to four times during our stay in the ashram.

One evening, my chest started hurting with the coughs. Sherryl asked if I wanted her to cup her hands and beat on my back. I told her if she thought it would help, then yes. She would cup her hands and hit on both sides of the spinal cord but not on the spinal cord itself. She hit pretty hard. The cough did not turn into bronchitis. My chest quit hurting when I coughed. She did this about four times during the trip.

There were three or four different days that I didn't have the energy to leave our room. Sherryl kept me company on the two worst days. She bought me food and water when we were out. I lost over 10 pounds during this trip.

Sherryl, in addition to being a Reiki Master from the Usui Shiki Ryoho school, is a licensed massage therapist, and is trained to do Cranio-Sacral healing work. I will have to ask Sherryl to explain to me exactly what Cranio-Sacral work consists of. I know she works on my head and moves my neck very gently and it feels wonderful. I always feel better later. I know some Chiropractors do Cranio-Sacral work in their practices. Most do not.

Sherryl and I were in what felt like total harmony on this trip. We had a reading done for each of us by an Indian Astrologer who said we were soul mates and have many past lives together. At one point during our stay in the ashram, Sherryl asked me if I was aware that we were reading each other's thoughts and finishing each other's sentences. I wasn't aware of it. I was so sick that I don't think that I was aware of much of anything outside of my own body and mind.

Is this our last trip to India together? If you had asked me when I was so sick, I would have said that I was never going back to India. When I shared that with Sherryl, she said she knew that was what I was thinking. According to Sherryl and her dreams, we are going at least two more times. The next trip is scheduled for three years from now. She dreamed this trip into reality. I didn't. When she told me about the dream, I told her if it was supposed to happen, Swami would work out the details. He did and we went. If he calls, we will go again.

According to the Indian Astrologer, we have many more trips to come in the future. He told me that I would actually live there semi-permanently in the future with just family visits to the states. I smiled and thought, "Only if Swami knows something that I don't." It is in Swami's hands. If he plans it, it will happen.

Again, Thank you, Sherryl for the wonderful care that you took of me while I was sick. Without you, this trip would have been much worse. I hate being sick away from home. And, yes, I know that and the healing lessons that I learned are the reason that I attracted the whole illness. It is good to be home.