An Attitude Of Gratitude Changes The Way You Feel

This week a friend of mine asked me to be her Gratitude Buddy for the week.  That means that each day we send each other through an email, a list of three things that we are grateful for each day.  I immediately accepted her request to be her Gratitude Buddy. I challenge each of you who reads this to find your own Gratitude Buddy for the week.  You might want to even extend the time for a month or more if you think that you feel better by starting your day with thinking about what you are grateful for.

Here are some of the things that I expressed gratitude for over the past few days:

1. I am grateful for my friendships. They enrich my life.
2. I am grateful to be at a place in my life where I can look at my expectations and let go of them when other people are involved.
3. I am grateful for the best friend that I have in my husband.
4. Today I am grateful for the warmth of the beautiful sunshine outside my window as I sit and type on my computer. The sunshine always cheers me, especially in the cold Winter months.
5. I am grateful for the people in my life who teach me lessons about myself.
6. I am grateful to my guardian angels who protect me and to my guides who do their work even when I get so busy that I forget to ask for their guidance. I ask for a most benevolent outcome for this day.

Feel free to share a few things that you are grateful for here in the comment section of my blog and then go find yourself a Gratitude Buddy to share with.
Merry Christmas to all of my Christian friends here on Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker.
Patricia

Dialogues With Dignity: Progress Over Perfection

Dialogues With Dignity is described as "A safe and dignified roundtable discussion among trusted friends" on its webpage which you will find posted below.

Progress Over Perfection was the topic of our discussion on Tuesday, August 23 when I was a guest on their show.  The discussion was between my friends Dan Hays, Ellen Brown, Stash Serafin and me, Patricia Singleton.  We discussed such things as letting go of perfectionism which can be shaming when we fail and beat ourselves up for failing. Expections and trying versus doing were among the topics discusses.  I hope that you will join me in listening to this interested conversation between four friends at the following link:

http://dialogueswithdignity.podbean.com/2011/08/23/progress-over-perfection/ 

Feel free to leave comments here and at the website. Hope you enjoy the show. I know that I did.

Fear Of Rejection Makes You Afraid To Ask For Help

Why after all these years does fear of rejection still have such a strong hold on me? Why do I still expect you to hurt me by either saying no or by ignoring me if I ask you for help? Why is this so common a fear in our society?

I realized that my lesson last week was to show me that I still have trouble asking for help. I went to an Al-Anon meeting this week and the topic of discussion was grieving, taking care of ourselves and asking for help. I wasn't surprised to see that almost everyone in the room said they had trouble asking for help.

The book that the discussion came from is one of Al-Anon's newest additions: Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses, Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, Virginia, 2007. This book was written by Al-Anon members about the grieving process and the losses that happen from living with the family disease of alcoholism.

In my head, I know that I am worthy of asking for help. Someone said this in the Al-Anon group and I have also heard it in my grieving class. When you don't ask someone for help, you are robbing them of the experience of feeling good about themselves by reaching out to help you. It makes sense. I know that it is how I feel when I help others. Still it is difficult for me to say that I need help. It is hard to allow you to see my vulnerabilities. When I am vulnerable, I am wide open to being hurt by you. That fear is so difficult to get past.

Someone recently was talking about his own ability to grieve and said that he couldn't grieve, that he didn't know how. I have heard many old-timers in 12-Step groups talk about being on the "pity-pot". That makes me angry when I hear someone say, "Get off your pity-pot." To me, legitimate grieving is not being on a "pity-pot." Being on a "pity-pot" isn't going through the grieving process. It is using feelings and tears to attract attention to yourself because you don't know any other way to get attention. Most of us probably know a drama queen or two. For them, you never see an end to their grief. It never goes away and they never take any steps toward healing. With their tears and drama, they demand your attention. Their grief never gets resolved. It just goes on and on ruling their lives and the lives of anyone who will listen.

I have never read anything on the topic of "pity-pots." This is just my observations about it. I could even be wrong. This is just what I have observed. Some people may see me as a drama queen who can't seem to let go of my grief. I am often surprised at how other people see me. Hopefully, I am not staying struck in the grief. I do know that you have to move through grief for it to finally go away. Ignoring grief doesn't make it disappear. I know because that was what I did for many years.

Craig Harper wrote an article this week called "Unlearning" that talks about the beliefs that we have learned and how we need to unlearn some of them. You can find this article at the following link:

http://www.craigharper.com.au/personal-development-life-lessons/unlearning/

Craig leaves you with a list of questions to ask yourself about the beliefs you have about yourself and your life.
Patricia

Ripple Effects Of Kindness, Compassion, And Sympathy

Source: The New International Webster's Standard Dictionary, Trident Reference Publishing, 2006 Edition:

kind adj. benevolent, compassionate, and humane in nature (page 160)

compassion n. concern for the troubles of another; pity; sympathy -compassionate adj.
-compassionately adv. (page 73)

sympathy n. an agreement of feeling; compassion for another's suffering; agreement or accord; support or approval (page 267)


I left a comment on Lance's blog Jungle of Life recently that I wanted to share with all of you. You can find Lance's "Sunday Thought For The Day" on December 27, 2009 at the following link: http://www.jungleoflife.com/ . Lance's blog articles are always so uplifting to me. He brightens my world which usually needs brightening around the holiday season.

Here is my edited comment:
". . . Compassion is such a great lesson and a great way to move forward as a world. Compassion, like all great teachings, begins with the individual. As one person changes so do all of those around him/her causing a ripple effect around the world one person at a time. . . . Compassion starts with the Self."

The same can be said for kindness and sympathy when you reach out to others. The biggest lesson that I had to learn was that I needed to be kind, compassionate, and sympathetic to myself before I could be that way to you. Those of you who have been abused in your childhood may have never experienced kindness, compassion or sympathy from others so you weren't shown how to exhibit those qualities to yourself or others.

I don't do New Year's Eve Resolutions. I have tried a few times and they just don't work for me. I used to beat myself up for failing at these goals. You see no one ever taught me about goals. Resolutions reminded me of all of the broken promises of growing up in an alcoholic and incestuous home. I knew by the age of 6 that promises would be broken. I never make promises for that reason. This is an area that I can be kind, compassionate, and sympathetic to that little girl who learned the lesson that promises get broken. I can show her that I understand her fears and disappointments from the past. I can also show her that I will do my best to not disappoint her again. I can acknowledge that her fears and disappointments are my fears and disappointments and that together we can overcome them. We can move forward.

I AM going to be more kind, compassionate and sympathetic to myself and others in 2010. Happy, Glorious 2010 to all.
Patricia

Echoes Of Childhood---Family Hero Role

Recently I found myself falling back into a childhood pattern of being the strong one who supports everybody else and doesn't let them or myself see that I am hurting too. I learned this as a child by being put into the role of family hero. I carried it into adulthood by listening to and trying to fix everyone else's problems.

One day in a recovery program, I learned that I didn't have to be anybody's hero and I didn't have to carry the role of the strong one for everybody else either. As you can see, I haven't been doing it perfectly, which is another one of my issues---expecting me to do everything perfectly or I am not good enough. These are all echoes from my childhood.

My brother who is younger than I am called two weeks ago to say that he had been having chest pains for several months. He had gone to the doctor recently and found out that something was wrong with his heart. On Tuesday, April 22, he went to a heart specialist for tests to find out what was wrong. Tuesday evening I called him. He was back home. He had expected to spend the night in the hospital recovering from whatever tests and procedures the doctor decided to do.

The tests showed that he has a 30-40% blockage that is inoperable because it could shift the blockage and cause worse damage. He is on medication to see if stimulating his heart will make any improvements. He was told he can go back to work on May 4.

As soon as I got off the phone with my brother, I started to cry. I was supposed to call my sister but instead called my best friend because I knew she would be ok with me crying. She allows me the space for the frightened child in me to come out and cry. I talked and cried for awhile. My friend listened and gave her support while I talked and cried out my fears. I didn't even know that I needed to cry until the tears started and my throat was clogging up with emotion. I thought I was handling this situation pretty good. I guess I still have room for improvements.

I told my friend that I had to call my sister and let her know what the doctors had told my brother. My friend told me that I could have shared my tears with my sister and let my sister see my vulnerability. That is difficult for me to do because of the hero role that I was given as a child. I realized that my friend was right. That is why I am writing this article. My sister reads my blog. Showing my vulnerability to others, especially my family, is still hard for me to do.

The hero in me still wants to be everything to everybody. She wants to be strong for everybody else and doesn't want to need anybody else. I can't do that. It isn't even realistic to try to do that but I still sometimes catch myself trying to do just that.

Showing your vulnerability is difficult for many child abuse survivors because when you were vulnerable as children, you were hurt. Some part of me still feels that she, no; some part of me still feels that I will get hurt if I am vulnerable. I have to claim that part of me if I am going to heal. I have to go face to face, toe to toe with that part of myself and say, "It is ok. I won't let you get hurt. It is worth the risk of being vulnerable. That is how you let go of the pain."

Last night, I was hurting from all of the stuff that I have stirred up by making the committment to work on my issues again. Memories of feeling hurt as a child came up. Anger came up. My husband offered to sit down and hold me. I said no. I didn't want to be held. I was at war with my own feelings and my own vulnerability. I was angry at my dad for all of the people that he hurt with his sex addiction and his alcohol addiction. I told someone last night that my dad was a mean alcoholic. Then I changed it and said he was mean without the alcohol. The alcohol just made him meaner. I guess when I am ready, there is some more forgiveness work to do on this issue. I am not ready yet. I still have to feel the anger and hurt for awhile before I am ready to let go of it.

I received another award today. This one comes from The Filipina Mom in Denmark. It is called the KISS-ASS Blogger Award. You can find out about this award by clicking on the following link: http://www.filipinamom.com/index.php/my-first-award-the-kiss-ass-award-0552 and from MammaDawg at http://www.mamadawg.com/2008/08/kick-ass-blogger-award.html . I like the KICK-ASS Blogger Award too. In my current mood, it would be Kick-Ass instead of Kiss. Thanks to you, Ana for the appreciation. I am honored to have received the award whatever it is called. Like I have said in my forgiveness articles, being forgiving doesn't mean that I don't still get angry with my parents.

I also wanted to direct you to another article that is posted by Ana which is called "Deafening Silence." Go to the following link to read it: http://www.filipinamom.com/index.php/deafening-silence-0687 . This article talks about a recent visit to a park and is filled with practical information on what to do if you see or even suspect that abuse is happening to a child. The article lists the "Signs of Child Sexual Abuse" which are good to know. Thanks Finipina Mom for your contribution to stopping child abuse in your neighborhood.
Patricia

Grieving---A Necessary Process For Healing

Yes, grieving is a necessary, and often difficult, part of the healing process.

Earlier tonight I was watching the movie "Good Will Hunting" for the first time. In one of the counseling sessions Robin Williams told Matt Damon, "We are not perfect." I started to cry. I asked myself, "Why does that make me cry?"

Because I spent my childhood trying to be perfect and feeling that I was never good enough to meet my parents' expectations. I wasn't expected to be a child acting as a child acts, thinking as a child thinks. I was supposed to be an adult, a parent, taking care of my parents. That is why I found myself crying---grieving the fact that I wasn't allowed to be a child.

It has been a struggle to give up trying to be perfect. Every time that I think that I have found all of the areas of perfection-seeking, I find another area that I am still feeling that I don't measure up to the expectations of others or to my own expectations. Part of me still sometimes feels "not good enough." That wounded inner child is still there grieving for the childhood that she wasn't allowed to have. I still sometimes grieve for the relationship that I wanted with my parents and didn't have.

Later in the movie, Robin Williams tells Matt Damon, "It's not your fault." Matt says, "I know." Robin repeats, "It's not your fault." Matt says, "I know." This is repeated a third and a fourth time by both, each time with Matt saying the words but not looking at Robin when he says them so you know that Matt doesn't believe what he or Robin are saying. Finally Matt breaks down sobbing and Robin holds him as they both cry. By the third time, I am starting to cry also. Why? Because the wounded inner child in me still struggles with those same feelings.

I sometimes wish that there was a one-time knowing of this truth and then it would never come up again. Feelings, especially grief, are never that simple. Grief comes when it needs to come to be felt and healed. We can make it complicated by denial and resistance or we can feel it and let it move on.

Two other articles that you might want to read on this topic are "Cry When You Need To" found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/12/cry-when-you-need-to.html
and one called "Feelings" found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/12/feelings.html .

Have a glorious Memorial Day weekend.
Patricia

Limiting Beliefs May Be Holding You Back or How Incest Is Still Affecting My Life

From Your Hands Can Heal You written by Stephen Co and Eric B. Robins, M. D. with John Merryman, page 37,

"Limiting beliefs are mental judgments that we've made about ourselves, the way the world works, or the way we interact in the world based on faulty, incomplete, or improperly understood information we have received, typically in the formative years of childhood. The information can come from primary authority figures (parents, teachers, clergy) or peers (classmates, friends), or indirectly from other sources in the world (books, television, movies, advertising). This information may be true on some level. Perhaps your parents' marriage wasn't very good and loving, or you really didn't have the ability to be a dancer. The information may even be well-intended. Your father may have honestly believed he was trying to motivate you to settle for nothing less than your best efforts. The mind of a child lacks the ability to discriminate and sort through these messages, however, so these unfiltered messages impinge upon your unconscious mind and lead you to form untrue assumptions about yourself and the world. These gross generalizations become limiting beliefs, which, in some ways, are the toughest types of unconscious programming to dislodge or bypass."

Along these same lines, yesterday I read an article written by Alex Blackwell on his blog Personal Development for The Next 45 Years entitled 10 Things You Wish You Had Never Learned found at http://www.thenext45years.com/2007/11/10-things-you-wish-you-had-never.html .

Well, here is my list of limiting beliefs, some of which I am still struggling to change:

1. I learned that I didn't have value as a woman except to be a sexual object.

2. I learned not to expect anything from anybody.

3. I learned that the world was a dangerous place.

4. I learned to not trust anyone, including myself.

5. I learned that God didn't care about me.

6. I learned that I could never be good enough.

7. I learned that there was no one to protect me.

8. I learned that the dark was a scary place.

9. I learned to sleep lightly.

10. I learned to pretend that I was asleep sometimes when I wasn't.

11. I learned to be afraid of sounds in the night.

12. I learned that a child's no wasn't important.

13. I learned to be quiet, to hold in the screams of pain and rage.

14. I learned that to cry was to be weak.

15. I learned to not feel.

16. I learned that what I wanted wasn't important.

17. I learned to pretend that everything was normal.

18. I learned how to escape into my mind, books and movies.

19. I learned how to disconnect from my feelings and my body in order to survive.

20. I learned to be the family hero.

21. I learned to protect my mom at all costs.

22. I learned how to be a parent to both of my parents, rather than being a child.

23. I learned that people and life will disappoint you.

24. I learned that my body wasn't mine to control.

25. I learned to lie when all that I wanted was to tell the truth.

Some of these I have worked on and healed. Some of them, I still struggle with. Can you come up with your own list? Give yourself credit for those that are no longer a problem. Look at the remaining ones and see if there are any that you want to change. Can you imagine the ways that your life will improve by dealing with your own limiting beliefs? Yes, change can be fearful, but isn't peace and happiness worth the change?

Compassion Begins With Me

I just read an article called The perils of forced Compassion and Loving-Kindness, Part 1 which was written by Albert Foong of UrbanMonk.Net. The article is posted at http://www.urbanmonk.net/196/the-perils-of-forced-compassion-and-loving-kindness-part-1/

In the first part of Albert's article, he explains the statement of "Why we begin with ourselves". From my own experiences, I agree with Albert when he asks, "How can we give what we don't have?" My answer to that question is, "You can't. I know. I have tried to do just that."

For two years before we moved to Hot Springs, Arkansas, my husband and I were foster parents in two different group foster homes. In both homes, we were given a cottage of two - ten boys ages 7-18 years old. Most of the boys were 14-16 years old.

When my husband and I talked about working as foster parents, it was my idea originally. I envisioned us having a girls' cottage. I thought that I could help abused girls learn to love themselves. I thought that I could help them to grow into productive, happy young women who would find love and marriage and children in a Donna Reed/Father Knows Best kind of world. Those were TV shows from the 1950's that represented what the perfect family should be like. They showed what was supposed to be normal, loving, happy families who overcame life's struggles through the support of each other and their faith in God. They were "perfect" families. Not at all like the family that I grew up in.

I thought that if I could help others, then I would have value and everyone would love me because I was doing something special by helping these young girls from troubled homes. Boy, my ego sure sounds pompous even to me. Those were my thoughts back then when I was still looking for ways to feel good about who I was. I was still in denial of how I was being affected by my incest issues.

What I didn't know and the number one lesson that those two years taught me was that I couldn't help anyone until I helped myself. Those teenage boys mirrored my own inner demons of rage and hurt back to me. The main difference, probably the only difference, between me and those boys was that they used their internal rage to rebel against their parents and society. I suppressed mine until one of the boys would act out his rage and then my rage was right there in my face in all of its full-blown strength. I didn't want to see my rage, at that time. I just wanted to deny it and keep it hidden from the world so that I could keep my halo in place. I wanted everyone to see that I was a good little girl. I wanted approval.

Thank you, boys, for teaching me about myself and my rage. That part of my journey prepared me for the next step when I decided that I needed to work on me. Until I loved myself, I couldn't really love anyone else. As Albert's article says, until I felt compassion for myself, I couldn't feel it for anyone else either.

The second part of Albert's article is entitled Loving your enemy. I was my own worst enemy as long as I was a volcano of emotion waiting to explode. Loving any other enemy wasn't possible until I loved myself.

At different times in my life, I tried to forgive my sexual abusers. There was more than one. I didn't know how to protect myself so I attracted several abusers. Most of the time that I tried to do forgiveness was because of a sermon at church that said that I should forgive them. I cried so many tears and thought I had found another area that I was flawed in because I couldn't forgive. I have done four articles on Forgiveness previous to writing this article.

The first article is called Forgiveness, Done In Layers and found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/forgiveness-done-in-layers.html

The second article is called Happy Father's Day, Daddy and found at
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/happy-fathers-day-daddy.html

The third article is called Forgiveness Is For You, Not The Other Person and found at
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/forgiveness-is-for-you-not-the-other-person.html

The fourth article is called Prelude To Forgiveness and found at
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/prelude-to-forgiveness.html

True forgiveness did not come until I chose to forgive myself of my real and imagined transgressions. The first person that I forgave, after myself, was my dad. I looked at what I knew of my dad's childhood and saw him as an angry, hurt little boy. I am not excusing what he did. I chose to see the hurting person inside of him. Because I could feel compassion for myself, I could feel it for the wounded person that my dad was. I now know that he was also just a mirror for my own woundedness.

My mother, who was the co-dependent, emotionally shut-down parent was harder for me to forgive. Forgiveness for my mom could only come after I looked at all of the ways that she used passive-agressive behavior to control people and situations. My dad was openly aggressive with his rage. My mom's rage was buried deeper and made me question was I imagining what she was doing. That kind of behavior can make you feel crazy until you see it for what it is. As a woman and mother, my mom was the main role model for me becoming a woman and mother. I couldn't forgive her until I was willing to forgive the same things in me.

In some ways, I became both of my parents in my sometimes openly aggressive behavior and at other times with my passive-aggressive behaviors. Both were extremes and very unheathy. As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I learned that doing extremes is a characteristic of many Adult Children. Those were my experiences of how to deal with my rage. There was no balance.

The openly aggressive rage came out when my volcano of emotions refused to be suppressed even one second longer. My passive-aggressive rage came out in the form of sarcasm. I played word games in my mind and verbally allowing my ego to build itself up and feel superior to others by tearing people down with my words. Who did the sarcasm hurt the most? Me. Most of my "victims" didn't even know that they had been wounded (or so I thought) because I was so clever with words. I was a master of sarcasm. I thank God that I woke up to the harm that I was doing to myself and others. I realized that I didn't feel respect for myself or for anybody else. I slowly changed that by becoming more conscious of what I said. I am still working on mastering letting go of sarcastic thoughts.

I recognised neither of those ways of dealing with my rage until I discovered the 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon. Those two groups of people and the 12-Steps which were adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous taught me that everything begins with me to paraphrase Albert's third section of his article which says, "Start within you."

"Compassion begins from the heart" is the final section of Albert's article. Albert, this is one of those articles that you write so well that spoke to my heart and pulled these words of response out of me.

Compassion really does come from a heart that has learned to love---first and foremost, to love oneself. Real compassion enables you to release anger, hurt, and sometimes tears. Real compassion has no judgments against you or others. Real compassion allows you to see the other person or the circumstances as your teacher, not as someone who intentionally or even unintentionally hurt you. Real compassion allows you to connect with the oneness of all. It allows your inner light to reach out to others in love and kindness. Real compassion allows you to see all of the other person, warts and all, and allows you to choose to love that person anyway. It allows you to see the other person's pain. I know that my dad's rage came from the hurt and angry child that he was inside. I know that my mom carried a very frightened little girl inside of her. I know that, even with all of the spiritual growth that I have done in my life, I still carry around an angry little girl and a very frightened little girl inside of me. Neither one of them is as angry or as frightened as they used to be. They are both learning to play and be children. That is part of my healing journey. Want to go outside and play? These inner children are where some of my greatest moments of creativity come from.

No one can hurt me, unless I allow them to. Forced compassion isn't real compassion. Look at your reasons for pretending to offer compassion. If you want to be compassionate because the church or people expect you to, or because the Bible tells you that you should, none of that works. These reasons just give you more reasons to beat yourself up, to hate yourself, to call yourself all of the nasty names that your inner critic can think of. Hit the stop button on the remote control of your inner critic. Real compassion starts with being compassionate with yourself. Offer compassion to yourself and the love then will flow from your heart to others.

This article and Albert's article are just further lessons for me about compassion. When I was in India recently, Compassion was one of runes that I drew the most frequently in my daily reading from The Healing Runes. The rune of Compassion was my sign to be compassionate with myself and my own healing journey and to extend that compassion to all others that I came into contact with.

From The Healing Runes, written by Ralph H. Blum and Susan Loughan, St. Martin's Press, New York, 1997, page 116-117: "It has been said that when we have compassion for one another, we shall be of one mind. For in living a compassionate life, we are practicing the Presence of God in a simple and universal way. Drawing this Rune reminds us to take time to show compassion for those we meet on our healing journey." The reading goes on to say that we can show compassion through service.

The Rune says that you may be required at this time to recognise something that you have long denied and reminds you to have compassion for yourself as you face this challenge. In India, I came face to face with some of my grief and was able, through compassion for myself, to release the grief through the release of healing tears.

The Rune also says that a physical healing often comes about through compassion for yourself. On one side of Compassion is Fear. One the other side is The Divine. ". . .Fear, passing through the prism of Compassion, is transformed into the energy and radiance of Love." Look at the world around you through the eyes of Compassion.

Albert, thanks for the Link Love and the inspiration for this article. Albert's article can be found at http://www.urbanmonk.net/196/the-perils-of-forced-compassion-and-loving-kindness-part-1/

Expectations---India trip

A friend asked me to talk about my India trip to her library group on Wednesday, October 24. I told her that it was too soon to talk about my trip in front of a group yet. I am still processing everything that happened and all of the lessons that I learned, most of which came about because of my illness. I am still not ready to face a crowd of people yet either. The few times that I have gotten out this week have really drained my energy. I feel like I am still on India time. I have been in bed between 9:00-10:00 p.m. every night since I have been home and I wake up between 4:30-6:00 a.m. just like I did in India. Rather than get out of bed that early, I will usually turn on one of my meditation tapes and listen to that until at least 7:00 a.m. before I get up. Before this trip, I would go to bed between midnight and 2:00 a.m. and get up between 10:00-11:00 a.m. every day. I am over jet lag and have been emailing and talking to friends about my India experiences so I decided it is time to start writing about all of those experiences.

Before I started writing, I went back and reread my articles that I wrote about my previous India trips to make sure that I don't repeat what I have already written. So here goes.

From my journal entry on Monday, September 24, 2007, somewhere flying over the Atlantic Ocean. (I don't know how many time zones we have gone through, so it may be early Tuesday, September 25 already.)

"What do I expect from this trip to visit Sai Baba? I feel a bubble of joy go through me when I realize we are really doing this. I want to meditate more and write more while we are in India. (I took extra ink pens, paper and notebooks to have on hand to be able to do all of this extra writing, none of which happened. I did get one article written that I will post at a future date but I was too sick to do any other writing than in my journal each day.)

I want to hear the Universal OM that I experienced on my last trip to Puttaparthi where when I listened even the heavy construction machinery seemed to be saying OM. I want to hear and feel that Universal vibration of creation again. (I didn't hear the OM that I heard my last trip, no matter how much I tried. What I did hear was almost constant chanting. I couldn't tell you the words but I knew it was chanting.)

I want to feel and know that I am God, that we all are God united as One. I want to come home with that inner glow that Ric says I came home with after my first trip. (No one has told me that I am glowing but I "KNOW" that I am different than when I left home on this trip. I also came home at least 10 pounds lighter because of being so sick and not eating much.)

I want to give cheerfully of myself in service at the food cantina helping to dry dishes after meals. (We were too busy doing other things and learning other lessons to do much of this on our first trip to Puttaparthi. I told Swami that when I came back to India on my next trip that I would do more service in the kitchen after meals.) During our first trip to India, when we were working in the kitchens at the Brindavin ashram in Whitefield, I was given the honor of drying Swami's dishes after one of the meals. I wanted to keep it to myself and I wanted to share it with Sherryl and Ki and the rest of the world that I was chosen for that honor from a whole room of women. (Swami had other plans for us this trip too. We only ate in the cantina 3 times and the only time we helped dry dishes, Sherryl's fingers started to bleed from being in the hot water. This wasn't the form of service that Swami had in mind for us.)

I want to experience the joy of meeting new friends from all corners of the planet. In KodaiKanal in 1998, we sang bhajans (songs of worship to God) with ladies from Russia who had beautiful voices but didn't speak any English and we didn't speak any Russian.

On a roadside in the middle of nowhere, I sang bhajans with a black man from Jamaica who was my teacher at the time and a beautiful spirit of a lady from Romania who spoke more with her heart and her beautiful, loving eyes than she did with her broken English. We sang while we watched the sun rise and everyone else was asleep in our broken down, rented van while we waited to be rescued. That was an experience that I will always cherish because we were three hearts touching and becoming One heart beat as we watched the beauty of Nature unfold for us in the quiet of an early morning."

These were my expectations of what I thought would happen on this trip to India. These were the things that I wanted to happen this trip. As you can tell from my added comments, Swami often had other plans for us.