Saturday, April 30, 2011

Grieving Is Normal For An Incest Survivor

The following definitions are taken from The Doubleday Dictionary For Home, School and Office, Sidney I. Landau, Editor in Chief; Ronald J. Bogus, Managing Editor; DOUBLEDAY & COMPANY, INC.;  Garden City, New York:  1975.

Depressed:  adj. 1.  Sad; dejected.  2.  Pressed down.  3.  Flattened from above; sunk below the surface.  4.  Reduced in amount, degree, value,etc.
Syn. 1. downcast, low, blue, downhearted, forlorn, desolate.

Grief:  n.  1.  Intense sorrow or mental suffering resulting from loss, affliction, regret, etc.  2.  A cause of such sorrow
Syn.  1.  affliction, agony, distress, sadness, tribulation, trouble, woe.

All of my life, from early childhood and on into adulthood, I have carried around a deep sadness in my heart.  When I started working on my incest issues in 12-Step programs and in counseling, I noticed that a lot of my friends were on antidepressants.  I wasn't sure if that was what I needed or not so I asked a friend who she got her pills from.  I made an appointment with her psychiatrist for the next week.

The psychiatrist asked me why I was visiting him that day.  I told him that I was an incest survivor and I noticed that all of my friends were on something for depression and I wanted to know if I was depressed.  We talked for awhile.  He asked questions and I talked. 

Thank God that I went to the doctor that I did that day.  He told me that I wasn't in a depression, that I was grieving what had happened to me as a child and that grief was a normal process for what I had experienced as a child growing up with incest and alcoholism in my family.  He sent me home and told me to keep doing the work that I was doing on myself.  That was about 15 years ago.  I am still doing the work on myself that needs to be done as it comes up.  I am back to a cycle of grieving.  Am I depressed?  No, I am grieving which is normal for what I have been through.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Speaking Out Edition of Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse - April 2011 - Speaking Out Edition has been out a few days now.  I haven't gotten to spend much time reading it or had the time to write and post this article about it because of the storms that have been rolling through Arkansas since about 2:00 p.m. Monday.

At 10:00 p.m. Tuesday night, April 26, on Channel 7 News, Little Rock, Arkansas, Weather man Ned Perme said that there had been "over 100 tornado warnings for Arkansas in the past 40 hours."  Hot Springs, where I live got the last Severe Thunderstorm Warning at 10:00 - 11:30 p.m. Tuesday.  I am not sure when the last storm left the state today.  I think that just about as many people died from drowning in flash floods as they did in the tornadoes that touched down in the state.   Alabama seems to be getting the worst of the storms now.  I just heard on the news that Tuscaloosa, Alabama had a big tornado hit it today.  I am sending prayers to the people of Arkansas who have gone through the storms and prayers for protection for those people in other states who are going through them now or tomorrow.  These are scarey storms.  Thank you to all of the weather people who kept us aware of the storms as they came through.  I have lived in Arkansas for 24 years and I have never seen weather as bad as it was this week.  Thank God that the fatalities aren't any higher than they are.

Thank you to Tracie of From Tracie blog for being the hostess for this month's Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse - April 2011 - Speaking Out Edition.  The link for this carnival is as follows:

Speaking out, breaking the silence of child abuse is such an important topic to me.  No one spoke out about my abuse from incest and my dad's alcoholism.  No one asked what was going on.   I couldn't tell.  I didn't feel that I had a voice as a child.  As a young adult, I didn't speak because for a long time, I hoped and prayed that if I ignored my abuse issues that they would go away.  That was my denial speaking.  Denial just allows more abuse to happen. 

Speaking out, telling our stories of healing and pain is the only way that we will be able to ever stop child abuse from happening to the future generations of our children.  When one of us speaks out, we give others permission to speak out and tell their stories.  We give each other courage to act.  Please join me in speaking out against child abuse. 

Monday, April 11, 2011

Your Heart Is Tired---An Effect Of Incest And Grief

"Your heart is tired." he said with some surprise sounding in his voice.  This is the second time over the past year that my intuitive healer friend has told me that my heart is tired.

Both times, I agreed with him.  The past few weeks, I haven't been sleeping well.  My stomach and hiatal hernia have been acting up.  Spring time means my allergies are acting up.  I get earaches and sinus drainage with sore throats and headaches.  My energy levels have been very low.

My husband tells me if I would exercise I would feel better.  I tell him you have to have energy to exercise.  I just don't have the energy right now, haven't had it for several weeks.

My intuitive healer friend says nothing is wrong with my heart.  My heart is just tired.  I nod my head in agreement.  I feel the overpowering tiredness in my body.  His words make me want to cry.  I have known tiredness as a part of my life for so long a time.  Since I started my healing from incest, sometimes the tiredness lifts for short periods of time.  Then it comes back.

The rest of this post is a conversation with my heart:

Heart - Yes, I am tired.  What do you expect?  I have felt so much hurt, so much betrayal and disappointment throughout our lifetime.  Tiredness is one of the effects of the incest.  Tiredness and Sadness walk hand in hand in my world.  I have carried so much grief in this lifetime.  It is a wonder that I haven't stopped beating all together.  I have carried such a heavy load for most of our life.  Others have given up.  We haven't.  Guess we are both just too stubborn.

Heart - I could cry, cry, cry and there would be little difference in the size of the grief that I hold inside.  Grieving is the key to healing from the incest.  Yes, you have done anger work and you have done heavy grieving in the past.  The time for you to grieve has returned.  In that grieving, you will peel away another layer of abuse issues.

Patricia - Heart, how can I grieve without knowing what the issues are?  I don't know what happened to me before age three and again at age seven.

Heart - You don't have to know.  Just let the feelings flow.  Feel the grief.  Feel it.  Go through it and then let it go.  The important thing is to feel.  Don't use food to medicate and stuff the feelings.  Let go of any denial and fears.  I know that you want to throw up as we are writing this.  That feeling is okay too.  As your heart, I feel it right along with you.  Having this conversation between you and me is very helpful.  You aren't running away.  You are listening to what I am saying.  You know in your heart (me) that all I am saying is true.  Yes, you have a headache starting.  The headache comes from the part of you that would rather intellectualize things instead of feeling the pain and the grief.  I won't die and neither will you if you feel the grief.  I might die if you continue to ignore me and the grief.  Stress can do that to a person and a heart.  Denial causes stress.  If you need help, watch movies or read books or listen to stories that make you cry.  Crying gives you access to the grief.  Crying can release the grief from your heart and any other parts of your body that you might be holding it.  Many people carry grief in their belly too.

Patricia - Is that why I cried over a Facebook comment, a YouTube video and a comment on Twitter over the weekend?  Heart, you don't have to answer that question.  I know the answer is yes.  I know that is why three different people brought silent screams of child abuse to mind for me this past week.

Patricia - A Twitter friend - BraveKidsVoices - asked me to write about incest being the most common form of child abuse.  She sent me an article to read on the subject of incest.  I read part of the article about 3 days ago and haven't been able to read more.  The post adds to my sadness.  I had no idea of the prominence of incest across the world today and back into the pages of history.  It makes me sad that so many other children have felt the same feelings that I have for most of my life. (I will write the post that BraveKidsVoices asked me to write, just not right now.)

Heart - The actual incest experience itself that took place when you were a child took its toll on both of us.  Hiding the incest from the world and from yourself started the sadness and grief.  Then as a young adult, adding denial of the incest happening created so much more stress in our life.  I know that you have memories as a child of feeling that heavy clock of sadness and feeling completely surrounded by the sadness.  Young children shouldn't have to feel that much sadness.  You were made to feel responsible for your own abuse.  You feel sad because of that too.  All of that sadness over the years has grown and placed an awful toll on me.  Is it any wonder that I am so tired?  I have memories of you as a happy toddler before the sadness settled heavy onto both of us.  The weight has grown over the years.

Patricia - Heart, thank you for sharing all of this knowledge with me.  I have several friends that I can share this with that can help me to release the burden from both of us.  Now that I am aware of where the tiredness comes from, I can address it.  No, I can feel it.  In feeling the grief, I can release it and let joy come back into our lives.  It feels odd signing this Patricia like I have all the rest of my posts.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Is It True That Money Can Buy You Friends Even When You Are A Pedophile?

Andrew Willis of the StopAbuse Campaign on Facebook and Twitter recently asked me to write this post.  I have been researching the man and the topic online all week.  Andrew and several others including BRAVE KIDS VOICES have been tweeting about Katie Couric going to a dinner party recently given by Jeffrey Epstein who is a hedge fund manager/mogul (whatever that is).  More important, Jeffrey Epstein is a registered sex offender.  The man has alledgedly flown children in from other countries for the sexual pleasure of himself and some of his guests.

The question asked in the Tweets was how could Katie Couric as a mother go to a dinner party given by this registered sex offender?  As a mother who should be protecting her children from this kind of man, why would Ms Couric go to this dinner party and be in the presence of a child molestor?  Ms Couric wasn't Epstein's only guest. 

Others that were there included Woody Allen and George Stephanopoulos.  Some other names that you might recognize that have been associated with Epstein over the past year are Prince Andrew and Sarah, Duchess of York who got a loan from Epstein through the friendship of her ex-husband Prince Andrew.  Sarah tells you that she didn't know the character of Epstein at the time of the financial loan and that she is sorry to be affiliated with the man.  Sarah is also a mother of little girls.

The dinner party was to honor Prince Andrew of England.  Prince Andrew is in danger of losing his title of U. K. Special Representative for International Trade and Investment because of his alliance with Epstein.  The relationship has been called "a national embarrassment" in England.

Other friends associated with Jeffrey Epstein are Donald Trump and former President Bill Clinton.  Both say that they have known Epstein for years.  They both say complimentary things about Epstein.  Neither addresses Epstein's title of Child Sex Offender.

The dinner party was held in Epstein's New York home which is located very close (within 1,000 feet) to an Episcopal pre-school.  Registered sex offenders are not allowed to be that close to a school at any time.  What are the police doing about this?  Several times during his jail stay, Epstein visited this New York home.

Since Epstein's conviction in 2007 many more victims of child sexual abuse have come forward to speak out about their abuse at the hands of Jeffrey Epstein who uses his money to buy female children for sex for himself and his friends.   One claim says that Epstein had 3 French girls who were 12 years old bought to him for his birthday.   The FBI who has been investigating Epstein found 40 victims, most of them under age at the time that they were used by Epstein.  One of the articles that I read says that Epstein has settled out of court with all of the 40 victims of child sexual abuse.  Unless the FBI can find more victims, Epstein will go free of any further child trafficking charges.

Why was Jeffrey Epstein given such a leniant conviction?  Was it because he had the money to buy a large team of very expensive attorneys to get him off?  With the proven charges against Epstein, he should have easily gotten a jail term of ten to twenty years.  He didn't.  He served 13 months behind bars in a private wing of the Palm Beach jail.  During this time, Epstein was allowed out of his jail cell to go to work for 16 hours each day. 

The only good thing that might come out of this is for Jeffrey Epstein to be charged with money laundering.  The FBI is still investigating these allocations against Epstein.  After all, isn't money laundering a more important charge than being a child sex offender.  In case you didn't catch it, that was sarcasm on my part.  There is much more that I could say.  Instead, I would prefer that you read the articles written in The Daily Beast which I have included links to each article below.

For more information on this ridiculous farce of justice, please read the following article by clicking on the link below.  The article is entitled The Daily Beast Blogs & Stories - Billionaire Pedophile Goes Free:

Please go and read this very informative article.  Thanks to Condhita Sarnoff for writing  the post.

Below you will find the other articles of The Daily Beast and Business Insider that my information for this post came from:

Business Insider - How Pedophile Hedge Fund Mogul Jeffrey Epstein Got Off So Easy @

The Daily Beast Blogs & Stories - Epstein Faces Sex-Traffic Probe @

The Daily Beast Blogs & Stories - Jeffrey Epstein's Society Friends Close Ranks @

The Daily Beast Blogs & Stories - Prince Andrew's Friendship with Jeffrey Epstein @