Take Back Your Power Talk On Generation No More

Here is the link for the radio program on Generation No More, Butterfly Dreams Talk Radio & Abuse Recovery. The program is called Take Back Your Power. The question that Patricia McKnight asked on her program page is, "WHAT IF you realized how powerful you are?"

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery/2013/04/16/generation-no-more-take-back-your-power

The show starts at 8:00 p.m. CST where I live in the U. S.

This is the program that I told you I would be on when I wrote my article about the Steubenville rape yesterday. The Steubenville rape trial and rape culture, along with other topics will be discussed tonight. In case you missed my two blog posts on the Steubenville, Ohio rape trial here are the two links to those articles.

Steubenville Rape Of The Victim @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2013/03/steubenville-rape-of-victim.html

Child Abuse Prevention Month and Sexual Assault Awareness Month @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2013/04/child-abuse-prevention-month-and-sexual.html

I hope you will join us in taking back your power. Even if you aren't a survivor of incest like me, many of us today give away our power to others. Domestic violence survivors give away their power to those who verbally, physically, emotionally and mentally abuse them. Many times that we give away our power, it is because we don't know that we have choices. Sometimes we don't have the courage to make those difficult choices. Fear of the unknown is sometimes far worse than the fear of what we do know. I am not saying any of this as a judgment. I do understand what is is like to not know that you have choices. My dictator dad and passive-agressive, codependent mother never taught me about choices. I was in my early 40's before I realized that I could make a choice about something as simple as whether to stay home or to take a taxi to a 12-Step meeting because my friend that usually gave me a ride couldn't that night - such a little thing but a major ah-ha moment for me.
 Patricia

Loving Yourself Means Letting Go Of Negative Labels

Many of us were labeled as children. Family systems have a label for every member. Labels like Family Hero, Scapegoat, Peacemaker, Black Sheep. Some of those labels can be good and some of them not. Either way, you don't have to continue being that label unless you want to.

I was the Family Hero. The recognition that goes with being the family hero felt good but the pressure to be perfect and to take care of everyone to the exclusion of myself did not. Sometimes people still look to me to fix things. Sometimes I can but sometimes I can't. When I can't, that doesn't make me irresponsible or bad, like it felt when I was a child and even young adult. I have worked to let go of the perfectionism and its resulting pressure to be someone that I am not.

Many survivors are made into the Family Scapegoat and the dysfunctional family will do its best to keep that person stuck there because then they can blame everything that goes wrong with the family on that person. This is especially true if that survivor suddenly starts to tell the family secrets such as incest. Many survivors and their stories are discounted because, according to the family, that person has always been sick, or a liar,  just no good, or some other negative label to takes the focus away from the family system and its dysfunction.

As a survivor, you can make the decision for yourself to not be labeled any more. You can stop believing the family &/or the abusers who want you to stay labeled. Stop believing that you are a Scapegoat, Black Sheep, or even Family Hero. You are what you believe about yourself.

Part of learning to love yourself is to let go of all of the negative beliefs - your family's and your own. You can become who you want to be. You have survived the worst that life has to give. That makes you strong. Start out by forgiving yourself for believing the lies. Look at who you are without the labels. If you don't know who you are, explore. Find out what you like and don't like. Sit with your feelings and learn to recognise them without the drama that dysfunctional families often create. Life is a journey. Decide what direction you want to go in rather than the direction that your family is wanting you to go in. Realize that you can make decisions for yourself. You have the right to make choices on your own rather than being controlled by someone else's behavior.  You are a suvivor so act like one.

It is okay to be timid and shy and even unsure of yourself. Making choices and guiding your own life may be new to you. You are allowed to make mistakes and detours along the way. Mistakes are just lessons waiting to be learned. Mistakes don't make you a bad person. They show you what is important and what is not. Mistakes challenge you to look at life and yourself in a new way which is growth.

Being you shouldn't hurt. Most of the survivors that I have been blessed to meet are strong, caring, kind people because they know what it is like to be controlled and hurt by someone else. You can't wish away the hurt but you can become a better you because of it. Use your strength to grow healthier, to help other survivors, to be a better person than those people who want to hold you down. Move forward even it is is just one step at a time. Reach out when you are hurting. There are plenty of other survivors who care and will be there for you if you let them. No one has to deal with child sexual abuse alone. Sending love and blessings to each of you who read this today. Be a friend to yourself first. Love yourself. When you change yourself, you change the world.
Patricia

March 2012 Blog Links Love

It is time for to share more of the blogs that I have read this month. Let me and them know what you found interesting or educating. Warning: Some of these may be triggers if you are a survivor.

1.  From the blog, Evil Sits at the Dinner Table, the article entitled "Denial, Repression, and Dissociation in Child Sexual Abusers @
http://ordinaryevil.wordpress.com/2012/03/18/denial-repression-and-dissociation-in-child-sexual-abusers/

2.  A second blog post from the blog, Evil Sits at the Dinner Table, the article is "Suburban Secrets: Affluent, Well-Dressed Fathers Sometimes Rape Their Children" @
http://ordinaryevil.wordpress.com/2012/03/%2017/suburban-secrets-affluent-well-dressed-fathers-sometimes-rape-their-children/

3.  This one is an article from The New York Times and is about the Catholic Church and Survivors' Network. The name of the article is "Church Puts Legal Pressure on Abuse Victims' Group found at the following link @
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/13/us/catholic-church-pressures-victims-network-with-subpoenas.html

4. The blog is called The Secret Survivor and the post is listed under Poems as "Incested" and "A Choice". Here is the link @
http://secret-survivor.blogspot.com/2012/02/choice.html

5.  The blog is called Get the Lid OFF! and the article is "OTB... Cont'd ~ It Wasn't Enough" found at the following link @
http://getthelidoff.blogspot.com/2011/11/otb-contd-it-wasnt-enough.html

6.  With this blog, take you pick of what you want to read. They are all encouraging and uplifting.  pinwheel girls: helping women be true to themselves is one of my favorites to read every week. Here is the link @
http://pinwheelgirls.com/

7.  Silence Is Not Golden is the next site to visit. You will find the JustJess Blog and other information for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse at the link @
http://www.silenceisnotgolden.us/

8.  At the blog healthpsychologyconsultancy blog, you will find the following article: "Counsellor Training: The Importance of Personal Life History" @
http://healthpsychologyconsultancy.wordpress.com/2012/02/18/counsellor-training-the-importance-of-personal-life-history/

9.  School Bullying Council wrote the blog post "Teens join anti-bullying effort" @
http://www.schoolbullyingcouncil.com/teens-join-anti-bullying-effort/

10.  The last website is called Who Invented The Internet. The article is "Stop Bullying Now: What should I do if I'm being bullied?" @
http://whoinventedinternet.com/stop-bullying-now/

Healing Tools That I Have Learned

Some important healing tools that I have learned and used over the years are as follows:

1. I can't fix someone else's problems but I can listen because sometimes a good listener is all that is needed. Become an active listener instead of planning what you are going to say when the other person shuts up.

2.  If someone else's words upset me or make me angry, I need to look at where my reaction is coming from. What wounded part of me is feeling the anger, hate, fear or confusion? What can I do to change from reacting to acting? My upset is mine, not the other person's.

3.  Don't attack someone else because of what I am feeling.  I sometimes fail miserably at this one.  I have to think and act or not, rather than react to what I feel. I can do a lot of harm if I simply react out of my hurt, anger or fear. I can say I am sorry and make changes in my behavior if need be to make things right.

4.  Look at my own feelings and figure out where they are coming from. What do I still need to heal?  What steps can I take to heal these feelings? My feelings are my responsibility. The other person rarely sets out just to make me upset. What I do with my feelings is my own responsibility. I can choose to heal. I can make the committment to do my own healing work.

5.  Share from my own experiences rather than offering advice.  Advice makes me sound healthier, stronger, wiser - whatever superior word that my ego likes to add to make me appear better.  I am not any of those things.  I am equally wise and unwise, healthy and not so healthy, strong and weak in different areas and at different times.  I don't need to feed my ego to be the person I am or to be the person that I want to become. I am better than I was and I still have a long way to go to be who I want to be. Some days I am healthy and some days I am dysfunctional.  Some days I am a kind person and some days I can be mean and irritable.

6.  When I attack others, I am coming from my own place of woundedness which is something that I don't want to do.  Rather than attack, I try to look at what is going on inside of me.  Again, sometimes I am not so good at doing this one in a healthy manner. Progress is more important than perfection.

7.  My truth is my truth.  It may not be yours. I don't have the right to use my truth as absolute to attack you with.  I don't know your story.  You don't know mine.  Even when you share a part of your story here, it is just a part of your story so I can't and shouldn't make judgments about you or your story.  I ask the same consideration from you about me and my stories. I hope to always treat others with dignity and expect the same from others toward me.

8.  I am just as human, just as fallible as everyone else. Life is a constant journey with many ups and downs.  Many times I fall and have to get back up. It is the getting back up that is most important. Baby steps are better than no steps at all. Holding someone else's hand when I get scared helps. Lending someone else a helping hand helps them but it also helps me to become a better person.  Shared experiences and shared hope make for an easier journey.

9. I may be further along on my healing path than some others but it only takes one trigger to make me feel like that hurting, frightened child again. I have learned to take the time to comfort that child as my parents never did.  Reparenting my inner child has been an important step in healing.

10.  If I leave at the very first sign of trouble, how does anything get resolved.  Running away doesn't help.  It just keeps me in denial that I have a problem.

These healing tools were part of a comment that I left on the blog Emerging From Broken.  Here is a link to the article that I commented on:

http://emergingfrombroken.com/my-mother-doesn%e2%80%99t-love-me-and-the-process-of-grieving/

What healing tools help you in your life?
Patricia

Being A Survivor Means Knowing You Have Choices

As a victim of the family disease of alcoholism and incest, I wasn't given choices as a child.  All of the choices of my childhood were made for me by my parents and my abusers.  I was even told by my parents that the adults had full authority over me as a child.  I was told to mind all adults - to do whatever they said, without question.  This one rule of my parents played a major factor in allowing me to be sexually abused by several adults in my life, one of which was my dad.   

Knowing that I have choices as an adult has created a major division for me between being a victim or being a survivor.  As a survivor, I know that I have choices.  I know that I can make my own decisions.  Right or wrong, they are my decisions to make.

Because it took me so long to learn how to make choices for myself, I place a high value on being able to make my own decisions.  Being able to make my own choices gives me a freedom and a feeling of being in control of my life instead of letting others tell me what to do and what to say.  I never experienced this feeling as a child.

If you would like for me to join your group on Facebook, please ask me instead of just adding my name to your group.  Then it is my choice to accept your invitation or not.  Please don't take away my choice by making it for me.  That is too much like my childhood.  I know that I can always make the choice to leave the group if I want to but it isn't the same as being given the choice in the beginning rather than as an after thought. I thank you for that.

Patricia

Guest Post At S.A.S.S.U Sexual Assault Survivors Standing

Several weeks ago, Jacquese whose blog is S.A.S.S.U Assault Survivors Standing asked me to do a guest blog article for her.  We only met recently on Twitter.  I liked quite a few of the comments that Jacquese left on Twitter and so I commented back.  I read her blog and left a comment or two.  Here is what Jacquese says about her blog.

"S.A.S.S.U is devoted to providing healing, empowerment, education and resources to males and females who are survivors of Sexual Assault/Abuse and  molestation or family members and friends who support survivors.  You DO NOT have to be a survivor to support this movement."

I like what this says about Jacquese and her blog.  Like me, she is dedicated to helping survivors.  From what I have seen of Jacquese, she is a wise and caring woman, so when she asked me to write a guest blog article I said yes.

The title of the article is a collaberation between Jacquese and me.  I hope you will join me in going to Jacquese's blog S.A.S.S.U Sexual Assault Survivors Standing to read my blog article which we decided to call

Incest:  Protect Your Children which you will find at the following link:

http://sassuempowerment.blogspot.com/2011/06/incestprotect-your-children.html

Jacquese, thank you for this opportunity for me to reach a new audience of survivors.  I appreciate the work that you are doing to help other survivors and their families and friends. 

Readers, please leave a comment on S.A.S.S.U for Jacquese and me but also come back here and let me know what you think about the article as well. Have a glorious weekend.
Patricia

Dear Daddy - Facing My Incest Abuser

June 29, 1992

Dear Daddy,

You used me and sexually abused me when I was just a child.  You betrayed me when you were supposed to be taking care of me and helping me to grow up.  I loved you and you used that to hurt me.  What you did was wrong.  I was just a child.  I couldn't stop what you were doing.  You were the adult and responsible for your own actions.  Nothing you did was ever my fault.  You, as an adult, should have been in control of your actions.  Instead, you took advantage of a little child who did nothing to encourage your actions.  I never wanted you to be anything but my Daddy.

I never wanted to be your sexual partner.  I loved you, but I also hated you for what you were doing to me.  Did you know that I hated you?  Did you know that I was afraid of your temper?  Did you know that I don't sleep well at night because of you?

No longer can you be a part of my life.  Your influence is too painful and too destructive to those I love.  I will not let you hurt me or my family.

I give you back your shame and your anger.  I refuse to accept any part of it.  You are alone because you use and hurt people who try to love you.  I refuse to feel dirty or bad or guilty because of what you did.  I did nothing wrong.

I am putting my life together and becoming who I want to be and you have no place in my life any more.  Right now I don't feel any love for you, I only feel anger toward you.  I feel sad for the life that we could have had when I was a child and for the relationship we could have had as adults if you had just loved me instead.

Your kind of love is too sick and I won't have that in my life.  The price is too high.  I am learning to deal with my own pain and anger just as you will have to live with yours.  Please stay out of my life.  I don't need you.

I feel sad that my children do not have a grandfather that they can love and who can be there to watch them grow up to be adults.  I intend to tell them why you are not in their lives so that you can never abuse them.  I can protect them as I could not protect myself from you and your so-called love.
Patricia


I wrote this letter with the intent of reading it to my dad face-to-face but that didn't happen.  He suddenly disappeared when I started trying to track him down.  Then I decided to mail the letter to him but nobody had an address for him.  I held on to the letter.

Finally one evening months later, I got called to the phone by my husband.  My dad was on the line wanting me to do something for him.  I told him I was glad that he had called because I had something that I wanted to read to him.  I went and got the letter I had written.  When I started to read, he got angry and interrupted me.  I got angry and told him to just shut up and listen.  He said okay.  I was shaking so hard that it showed in my voice as I read the above letter to him.  When I finished, he said that if that was the way that I wanted it to be, then fine, that is how it would be.  We hung up.  I didn't talk to him again until he was in the hospital sometime in 1999.  His sister had called me and told me that Dad had been diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor.  Surgery was done but all of the tumor could not be removed.  He died early sometime on the morning of January 6, 2001.  He died as he lived - alone.
Patricia

Dear Family Member - Notification About Incest Happening In Family

April 24, 1992
Dear Family Member:

It is nice to feel that I have a family and roots again after so many years of feeling alone and empty.  For years, I cut myself off from any attachment to my "Caldwell" side of the family.  I now know that this was the only way I could deal with the pain of Dad's betrayal of me as a child.  To survive and try to lead a nearly normal adult life I had to disconnect from my painful past and any reminders of it.  My family was a very strong reminder of that past.

For over three years I have been dealing with that painful past---working through my anger and grief---and learning to let go of it.  For what I am about to tell you, I don't want your pity or your anger.  I don't need you to react at all.  I am doing this for me and for no one else.  I do hope that I can have your support in my working through this.

I know that some of you may be disbelieving and some of you may be angry that I am just now revealing this and you want to know why after all these years of being quiet that I am now stirring up all this trouble.  I am not doing this to cause trouble or to seek revenge.  I am doing this as a further step in my recovery.  I am refusing to keep silent and to carry the burden of this secret anymore.  It has become too heavy.  Too much of my life has been harmed by it.  I still have a lot of anger to deal with over this and to deal with it, the reasons have to brought out into the open.  I don't want another generation of children to suffer because of our silence and it will continue to happen unless we speak out and others have the awareness to deal with it.  Secrecy hurts too many people.

Most of you know that Daddy has a drinking problem.  For my own self, I choose to give it a name---alcoholism.  No one else has to agree with me.  I won't argue over this point.  It is strictly my opinion.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

I thought about talking about this to some of you at the recent Family Reunion, but I decided to just enjoy the day instead.  I have worked hard this year and deserved to have that day to savor the pleasant memories and feelings of love that I felt from each of you.  This was an important day for me.

I don't make any apology to anyone for the feelings that you have as you read this.  This is a family secret that must be exposed for what it is---dangerous and deadly to our children and their self-esteem.

Some of you wonder why [my sister], [my brother] and I aren't close to the family anymore.  I can't speak for [my brother].  I don't know his reasons.  [My sister] is afraid of Daddy and refuses to be around him or to allow her children contact with him.  I don't want him in my life or in my children's lives.  I won't let him continue to abuse me.

I won't tell you [my brother's] or [my sister's] story.  I will only tell you mine.  I won't go into details here.  That would take to long.  I've already written more than I thought I would.

Starting at least by the age of eleven years old, I was sexually abused by Daddy.  I don't have memories of it starting earlier than that, but it may have.  Some of the work that I have done leads me to believe that I may have been as young as eight or nine years old.  You can't imagine the emotional pain I have gone through because of this.  Do you know what it is like to hate the parent that you also love and have to depend upon for your very survival?  When I was seventeen years old, I reached the point of having the courage to say no to Daddy.  If the abuse had continued, I would have lost my sanity.  I knew that.  I never again let Daddy abuse me.  I think he was afraid I would tell if he continued to push me.  He left me alone physically, but the emotional abuse continued until I left home at the age of nineteen.  I knew that was my one and only chance to get out from under his control. Living with Dad was like having a dictator tell you everything you could do or not do.  I never learned to make decisions or to think for myself until I was a Junior in college.  I know that God was with me and keeping me sane.  He gave me the courage to do what I had to do.  He allowed me to find the people that I needed to guide me in the right direction at each crucial point in my life.  I have a husband who loves me and has tried to be understanding of all that I have gone through.  That hasn't always been easy.  Dan has allowed me the space to find out who I am.  For me, the process has been both painful and joyful.

I like who I am today.  I am at a good place in my life.  I have told Mom about the abuse just this month.  She says she didn't know or she would have stopped it.  She was as much under Dad's control as I was.  I have made my peace with her.  I haven't confronted Dad yet, because when I try to contact him person to person he disappears.  I have written a letter to him giving him back responsibility for his actions.  This step will close a chapter in my life.  This is a positive step for me.  It has been a long journey to reach this healthy point in my life.

I hope that each of you can still welcome me to future Family Reunions with the same enthusiasm as you did this year.  Family means a lot to me.  I love everyone of you.  Please help me to bring awareness to our next generation of children so the hurt and the abuse can be stopped at least for this family.  I love you all.
Patricia Caldwell Singleton


I didn't use my brother or my sister's names here as I did in the original letters.  I have been searching for my copy of this letter for over a year and could not find it.  My sister a few weeks ago called me and asked me if I would like to have her copy of the letter.  She didn't know that I had been looking for my copy.  Thanks, Sis for giving me your copy.  She also gave me her copy of the copy letter written to her and my brother telling them that they were getting their copy of the "Dear Family Member" letter two weeks before I mailed them out to everyone else.  I wrote the above letter on April 24, 1992 but my sister's letter was written on June 10, 1992 so I apparently took a few months after writing the "Dear Family Member" letter before I mailed them out to my dad's brothers and sisters.  I chose not to send a copy to my grandmother because she was elderly and in poor health.  I didn't want to hurt her with the knowledge of her sons actions.  I told each of my aunts and uncles that it was their choice as to whether or not they shared the contents of my letter with their children, most of whom are my age and older.  I don't know if they did or not.  No one ever said anything to me about it.  One of my nephews recently told me he had read his dad's letter when he was a teenager.  My youngest niece recently read her mom's copy before my sister gave the letter to me. 

I look forward to hearing from you letting me know what you think about my letter.
Patricia

The Movie "Precious" And Incest

Here is a recent comment that I left on the website Bossip.com . You can find the article that I commented to at the following link: [Warning: the language of the comments may be offensive to some. The video could also be a trigger for some incest survivors.]

http://bossip.com/224627/damn-gabourey-sidibes-precious-audition-tape-is-powerful-video/ .

"Incest is a very big problem in our society. I have never heard Oprah or anyone else say that it only happens in the black community. Believe me, it doesn't.

Those of us who are incest survivors know just how big this problem is. I am an incest survivor and my skin color is white. Black or white, skin color doesn't matter if you are an incest survivor.

This problem has been hidden for so very long. I think we are blessed that Oprah and other celebrities are bringing the secret of incest out into the open. As long as it is hidden, we will never stop it from happening to our children. The children are important. They are our future.

If you don't like Oprah's choice of movies or her topics on her show, don't watch them. Tell [should have been "turn"] the TV off. Don't buy tickets to the movie. You have a simple choice not to go there.

As an incest survivor, I can't turn off my life. My past has molded me into who I am today. Today I am a survivor. "Get over it" as some other commenter said isn't as easy as you would like to believe. Today incest doesn't rule my life like it once did.

If "getting over it" was an easy option, don't you think we would do that. It isn't easy. Incest affects every area of my life. Shame, low-self worth, self-hatred, rage, a hurt so deep that it seems like you will never recover from it---I have dealt with all of these. People who tell you to just "get over it" don't know what the hell they are talking about and I hope that they never learn about incest first hand. Don't let your ignorance make you heartless.

What you want is for me to go back into denial of my incest issues. That isn't healthy and helps no one, lest of all me. Pretending that I am not affected by incest just makes me more of a victim which I refuse to ever be again. How about you stop pretending that incest isn't a part of our world?"

In the video audition, Miss Sidibe say two things that jumped out at me. She said, "I'm tired." and she said, "I've had enough of love."

For most of my life since I was a very small child, I have lived with a bone weary tiredness that never seemed to leave. I think that I still carry some of that feeling in my body. I learned to live with that tiredness a long time ago if I wanted to achieve anything in my life. I have been reading about doing body work on several other blogs over the past few months. Maybe it is time for me to find out if I can trust enough to do body work.

I think that many incest survivors have decided that they have had enough of love. Love to an incest survivor often has the sexual abuse so tied up in the concept of love that it is hard to trust anyone else to be intimate enough to give healthy love a chance to grow. Trust is so much involved with loving another person, letting that person get close enough for love to grow. Some of us have been so abused that trust in another person is almost impossible to even imagine. Having someone abuse you sexually while they are saying that they love you really messes up your concept of trust and love. Having someone tell you, like my dad did, that if you love me you will let me do this makes you not even trust yourself, much less someone else. Only by the grace of God did I take a chance and let myself learn to love my husband when he came into my life back in 1972. He is worth loving and so am I. I don't know where I got the courage to even try. Some incest survivors don't.

Incest and violence neither one are confined to just one race. Neither cares about the color of your skin or what language you speak or if you are even old enough to speak. Sometimes they don't even care if you are male or female. They don't care how much money your family has and they don't care what educational level your family comes from. They don't discriminate like some people would like you to believe.
Patricia

Awareness Is The Key To Growth

Awareness is the key to growth. In typing the word "awareness", instead I typed "awakeness". What an odd slip of tongue or should I say slip of hand since I was typing instead of speaking? I will need to think about that for awhile.

Where did this idea come from? I was visiting and commenting on one of the blogs that I read written by another abuse survivor who goes by the name of Just Be Real. That is also the title of her blog about her spiritual journey through recovery from sexual abuse. JBR says that her blog is about "Recovery into Greatness!" I really like that. Both of us write from a position of power over our abuse and abusers rather than as a helpless victim that we were as children when the abuse happened.

Another statement that JBR has posted on her blog says, "I WILL STOP GIVING OTHERS THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY JOY!" What a great message that is to all survivors and the world. Thanks for sharing that JBR. You are such a brave soul and a bright light to all who visit your blog. Seeing your courage and struggle gives me the courage to continue in my own journey through recovery.

The title of the article that inspired my article is "ADMITTING I AM WEAK". You will find this article at the following site:

http://justbereal77.blogspot.com/2009/12/admitting-i-am-weak.html

My comment to this article was "The awareness that you get from Spirit is such a blessing to your recovery. Until you are aware, you can't change anything. ..."

Awareness is so very important as my above comment states. I believe that my awarenesses come from Spirit, my Higher Self, my Higher Power, God, intuition. Whatever you choose to call it isn't as important as what you do with the awareness. If you don't act on it, nothing happens. If you choose to act on the awareness, your whole view of your world can sometimes change. Some changes are small. Some are huge. Sometimes all you get is a minor shift in attitude.

Like I said in my previous article, sometimes the changes you choose to make can have a ripple effect that goes out from your center and can bring about small or enormous changes in the world and the people around you.

I keep using the word "choose". Such a little word and it can have such a huge effect on your life.

For example: I choose to no longer be a victim.
I choose to take responsibility for my own happiness.
I choose to take responsibility for the choices that I make in my life.
I choose to continue to grow in 2010 and beyond.
I choose to be real in all of my relationships.
I choose to continue to be involved in the community of sexual abuse survivors that I have found online to share my strengths and my weaknesses in order to be real.
I choose to continue to visit and read other blogs and leave comments on those blogs because as survivors we can support each other in our moments of strength and weakness.

Thanks JBR for your inspiration and courage in choosing to be real. It inspires me to do that same. Have a glorious 2010.
Patricia

Out Of My Comfort Zone---A New Al-Anon Sponsor

I am way out of my comfort zone this week, for several reasons.

First, on Wednesday after the Al-Anon meeting, I asked a lady to be my sponsor. That makes me accountable to her for my behavior and growth. When I asked her was during a hug. I started crying---still don't know what that was about. I told her that I have been meaning to ask her to be my sponsor for awhile. My obstacles to asking her have been my fear of being rejected, fear of being blamed for the incest, and fear of not being worthy of her time. Having a sponsor in Al-Anon means seeing her in person for discussions about my recovery, or lack thereof, while using the 12 Steps of Al-Anon to create growth in my life and talking to her on the phone several days a week besides at Al-Anon meetings. I touched a spark of shame that I didn't know was still there. That spark was about not being worthy of taking up someone else's time. That is my biggest reason for not calling someone else on the phone when I need help. Well, this week, I went out on a limb and asked. It left me feeling vulnerable which is a feeling that I still haven't learn to be ok with. Feeling vulnerable means not feeling safe to me.

My first sponsor was a male friend from Adult Children of Alcoholics. I was told that women should have women sponsors and men should have men sponsors so that no 13th stepping goes on. (I think it is called 13th stepping. I am not sure.) It prevents possible sexual abuse happening between the man and woman. At the time that I picked my male sponsor, I was more afraid of being judged by a woman. Most of the women in my life when I was a child were extremely judgmental. That was my biggest fear from women. At the time, I couldn't face that possibility. He was my sponsor until his wife came along. Then she became my co-sponsor. After her death ( http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/07/most-influencial-person-3-recovery.html ), I was very angry at God and didn't want another sponsor that could leave and abandon me. After a few months, I asked another lady to be my sponsor. This was only for a short time before I stopped going to Al-Anon.

Asking another person to be my sponsor is a very big step for me because it means that I have to do the First Step and give up control to another person as well as to God. It means that I now have to work all 12 Steps over again with a new person in charge. It is very hard for me to give any control over to another person in my life.

My new sponsor asked me to be sure and share all of the good stuff in my life too if I am going to share all of the garbage that comes along. Knowing me as well as I do, you will be hearing more about this new part of my journey. I made the committment to call my new sponsor every week which I haven't done yet. We did meet at McDonald's earlier in the week for breakfast and our first discussion as sponsor/sponsee.
Patricia

Self-worth Means I Love You

Have you ever reached a place in a game where you find yourself falling short of your best game score and you just can't seem to reach a higher score? You keep playing the game over and over and still continue to fall short.

Life can be like your game. You can reach a point where all of the self-improvement techniques don't take you any higher. You have self-improved as much as is humanly possible. You are where you are in life. You can continue to strive to be better, more highly evolved, but in the mean time you are so focused on the future that you miss the present.

Life is going pretty good for you. You are in a good or even great relationsip with yourself, your spouse, your family, your friends. Where are you? Enjoying the benefits of all of your hard work to get where you are today or are you still thinking/feeling that you aren't worthy enough, smart enough, pretty enough??? The list can go on and on. When do you decide that enough is enough?

Life can be glorious when you allow it to be. All of it comes back to you, not the outside you, but the inside you. When are you going to be happy, content, successful enough for you?

It all always comes back to you and how much you love yourself. Today can you look in the mirror and say "I love you." to yourself and mean it? This is where self-worth comes from, not from someone outside of yourself but from you. Until you can love yourself, loving anyone else is impossible. YOU are the most important person in your life.
Patricia

How Dreams Can Help You Heal From Childhood Sexual Abuse

From The Complete Dream Dictionary written by Pamela Ball, Chartwell Books, Inc., Edison, New Jersey, 2000, page 324:
"If ideas of rape appear in a dream, then it can be as much to do with violation of personal space as with the sexual act. Sexual rape is unlikely to appear in the dreams of sexually abused children, though the adult may later suffer from nightmares. Rape itself may only manifest when the adult is ready to deal with the trauma. Most rape dreams are based around the need for, or perception of power issues between the male and female."

Why did I search out the above quote to share with you? I had a dream a few days ago in which I was raped. I looked in my dream dictionary for more meaning to the dream than I, alone, may have given it.

This isn't the first dream of rape that I have ever had. Years ago, after I had been working on my incest issues for awhile and was learning about choices, I had a dream in which a man was going to rape me. I remember that there were two men and that I couldn't prevent the rape but I could choose which of the two men were going to rape me. I remember looking into the eyes of both men and making my decision. I knew that one would be kinder than the other. He is the one that I chose to rape me. I woke up in a lot of confusion until I realized that the dream was more about the fact that I had choices, that I could actually choose the path that my life and my recovery was going to take. That is when I really learned that our choices control the path that we take in life. Choices, which I never felt that I had as a child, gave me a sense of freedom that I had never experienced before that dream.

I do believe that many of my dreams are about healing. As small as making the choice of who would rape me would seem to others, for me, it was the beginning of knowing, really knowing, that I could make a better life for myself, a life in which I felt safe and valued. My choices, my opinions mattered. Unless you are a survivor, you may not understand how really big that dream was to me.

In my dream of a few days ago, I didn't see the rape happen. I just knew that I had been raped as well as the other two women in my dream. I may have dreamed about the rape happening but if I did, I didn't carry those memories to my waking state. I remember leaving the two women behind as I walked and cried, walked and cried, walked and cried. I have cried over the years in my waking state with the grief of dealing with my incest issues. I have never cried with the deep, deep grief that I cried in this dream. The grief was so consuming that I can see myself stopping and just crying before starting to walk again until more grief came through.

In the next part of the dream, I found myself walking into a courtroom with people all around. I knew that I was going to tell them about the rape. That is when I woke up. Just as I woke up, I heard the word "justice" and knew that was why I chose a courthouse. I knew that I wasn't going to remain quiet as I did after my childhood rapes by my uncle and dad. I knew that I would no longer be silenced by the men.

I believe that this was a healing dream in that I deeply grieved and I was willing to seek justice for myself whether the other two women did or not. Also, those two women are reflections of female parts of me that are still living in the abuse and afraid to speak for themselves. So there is still some healing for me to do.

I have been taught that numbers are always important in dreams. In my dream there were three women, counting myself. I called a friend who does numerology and asked her the significance of the number three. She told me that the number three is about expression, creativity and the trinity. In this case, I think that the trinity has to do with my healing on the emotional, physical and spiritual levels of my being. Emotional healing also means physical healing because of the tears and pain that my body releases and no longer carries around. Any time that you let go of emotional pain, it gives more room for spiritual growth and love to enter your body and heart.

As my dream dictionary says the rape happened in my dream because I have made the decision to deal with any remaining incest issues that may come up. Because of this dream, I know that my decision is right. Divine timing is always right. I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my journey.

Thanks to Enola ( http://enola-survivor.blogspot.com/2009/04/wear-blue-on-friday-child-abuse.html ) and Surviving by Grace ( http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/ ) for letting me know that April is Child Abuse Prevention Month across the U. S. Use this month to make yourself more knowledgable about the signs of Child Abuse and how you might be able to do something to save a child.
Patricia

Purpose and Personal Power for Incest Survivors

The past week was rather hectic for me. We had family come to visit for 3 days just before we left Hot Springs for a weekend trip to meet up with friends from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. We met them south of Shreveport, Louisiana for a Civil War Reenactment of the Battle of Mansfield, Louisiana and the Battle of Pleasant Hill, Louisiana. That is my husband's and son's current hobby. They dress up as soldiers and march and participate in battles from the Civil War. None of us believe in slavery of other human beings. It is a terrible thing that happened and it is a part of the history of the United States in the 1700 and 1800's. I sometimes dress up in period dress as a southern belle and participate in the dances. We meet people from all over the U. S. and sometimes even Europeans who come over to participate in the reenactments. The reenactments are supposed to be a big event in England and Europe right now. It is another way besides video games for men to play war games. Cooking around campfires and sleeping on the ground either in dog tents or under the stars is fun to do occasionally. I would not want to do it all of the time. Actually I have done that as a Union soldier in one of my past lives. I died at the Battle of Fredericksburg, Virginia of a gun wound to the leg. I bled to death, but that is a story for another time.

In the past few weeks because of reading the two Byron Katie books that I mentioned in my previous two articles, I have started to look at any incest issues that I may still have that haven't been addressed. I have also searched out other incest or child abuse survivors online who have blogs. I found one new forum just for child abuse survivors and joined it. I have been reading stories written by other survivors and joined the discusssions that were listed in the forum. I also sent my last article "Incest Is One Of My Stories" ( http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/04/incest-is-one-of-my-stories.html ) to the April edition of the Child Abuse Carnival which comes out on April 17.

Since I am again working on my issues, I started reading one of the daily meditation books that I have which is written by Maureen Brady and called Daybreak, Meditations For Women Survivors Of Sexual Abuse. It is a wonderfully encouraging and yet realistic look at sexual abuse written by someone who has also survived the abuse. It is a Hazelden Meditation Series book. I want to share the April 6 daily reading with you.

"Purpose April 6
I will take the time to focus on my purpose and realize my path is being guided by my higher power.

We each have a purpose. Mine may sometimes feel elusive but that is not because it has disappeared; it is because I have lost awareness of it. My purpose is guided by a design of which I can see only segments at any one time. I trust I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and I do not need to do anything but wait if I cannot see an open door before me.

One of my jobs as an incest survivor is to regain my personal power. My relationship to power was distorted by the perpetrator's abuse of it. When I am living in my past, I become powerless again. I feel weak, prone to victimization, and crumble easily at the thought of needing to take action. But in the present I can learn to come into my power. It is not a power over, in which someone else must be oppressed. It is the power of being present in a relationship of oneness with the universe. It is the power of my faith in the notion that if I seek guidance, I will intuitively know the next right thing to do. It is the power of deeply knowing my spirit is fully entitled to the life I have been given. I do not need to barter for this power by giving up parts of myself."



The above passage was so important to me that when I read it the first time, I put 4 large handwritten stars on the page to call my attention back to the page for any future readings.

Before I got into a recovery program, I knew nothing about personal power. I knew about power over another person. I lived my childhood up until I was 19 under the power of my abusive father and the apathy of my mother who played the role of victim. I knew about abuse of power and I knew about victimhood. To survive, I built walls around the inner person that lived in FEAR. When I first started in a recovery program, I learned how unhealthy walls were for keeping you out but they were also keeping me in as a prisoner of the abuse and all of my fears.

FEAR was the voice in my head that told me that the universe was not a safe place. FEAR was the voice in my head that said to not trust you or myself because you couldn't protect me and neither could I.

The opposite of fear is fearless. Fearless is taking stupid risks that can get you hurt or taken advantage of again. Neither is healthy. I have given away parts of myself because I didn't know that I had the choice to do otherwise.

Personal power means having an opinion without having to weld power over others or without using that opinion and power to hurt others. In the beginning, I did both of those things. I discovered that learning new ways of behaving sometimes means swinging like a pendulum from one extreme of behavior to its far opposite until I find the middle and balance where my actions are no longer extremes. Personal power is about not allowing others to hurt you. It also means not using your power to hurt others. Personal power gives you the freedom to be yourself and also allows others to be themselves. Personal power is not about controlling others. Live and let live is one of the slogans that I learned in Al-Anon that I use today.

For any child abuse survivors who are interested you can find a forum of child abuse survivors at the following link. You have to sign in with an email address and a password.
http://childabusesurvivor.ning.com/
Patricia

Fear Is My Friend

Today I refuse to let fear stop me. It may still occasionally slow me down until I gain an inner awareness of what I am doing.

Courage is making fear your friend rather than letting it control you. Making fear your friend means acknowledging it for what it is. Now is the time to say, "Hello Fear, here we are walking hand in hand again. Thank you for showing me that something needs to change."

Most of you face challenges every day. Sometimes the challenges come out on top. Other times, you come out victorious and stronger for facing the challenge. Facing the challenges and fear is what the lessons of Life are all about. Do not allow fear to stop you from living your life.

Conquer fear and go on to the next day and conquer fear again. Facing fear is what makes you strong. Facing fear is what makes you courageous. Now is the time to say, "Hello Fear. Thanks for making Life such a wonderful adventure of discovery."

To quote Lindsay McKenna in her romance novel---Morgan's Mercenaries III, Maverick Hearts, Man of Passion---on page 141:
". . . 'No one and nothing has the right to stop you on your own path as you become all you can be, Ari.' " (Ari is the name of the heroine in the book that I am reading.)

This is true for each of us. You all have the ability to face your own fears and to become a better person than you were through that effort. It doesn't matter that you are still afraid. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It is ok. Being afraid doesn't mean you are failing or that you are a failure. Sitting still, doing nothing that is failure. Moving forward, even if it is only one step at a time, is success. Life is about being all that you can be. Being all that you can be is your real Life's purpose.

Embrace your fear with Love. That is the answer to every challenge that you face.
Patricia

Doing Good Deeds

Today I went to get my haircut and on my way into the building, I opened the door and stepped aside to let a lady go in before me. She was so surprised at my actions. She thanked me and told me that with the day that she was having, she really appreciated me opening the door for her. I smiled and told her that I was glad that I followed my impulse to open the door for her.

When is the last time that you extended such a small courtesy to another person without expecting anything in return. I didn't plan to open the door for the lady. She was far enough away that I opened the door and stood and waited for her to get to the door. A little voice inside nudged me to open the door for the lady. Boy was I glad that I did when she told me she was not having a good day.

I am not telling you this because I want your praise. I think we should all do things to help each other, not just at Christmas but all through the year. I didn't think about how my actions would affect the other lady. I simply followed the impulse that said open the door. Go out of your way to do something nice for someone else. It doesn't have to cost you anything except maybe a little of your time. It doesn't matter if the other person expresses their appreciation like my lady did. It is nice if they do but it isn't a requirement. Use the Christmas season as an excuse to do something nice for someone else. Choose to do some good today.
Have a glorious day.
Patricia

A Week Of Introspection

I don't get my feelings hurt by another person very often because somethings just aren't that important. Today I did and I immediately felt tears come to my eyes and start to fall. As a person who was raised to not feel, I don't always know what to do. Just letting myself cry seems wrong to me somehow so I stop the tears.

It seems this has been a week of introspection. Here are the thoughts that have been going through my mind. Maybe some of you have the answers. I don't.

When the tears started, I was feeling left out and unworthy and little---little as in a disappointed child, a hurt child who was feeling left out and not good enough. Even writing this, the tears want to come. Why does it always come back to the inner child who obviously still hasn't healed? I guess that I just answered part of the question. How long does it take to heal the inner child? Will she ever be completely healed? Will she always be hanging around waiting for someone else to come along and hurt her? I don't know how to change any of that. As much work as I have done on myself, the inner feelings still wait in ambush to spring out of hiding when she is given the next opportunity to express her hurt. It isn't as if the hurt hasn't been expressed over and over again through the years of counseling and talking. Does it ever completely go away or change to joy and laughter? Can you have joy and laughter without the hurt and tears?

Is it as simple as making a decision to stop hurting? Is it as simple as deciding to not feel empty and worthless any more? If I decide to just feel happy am I being true to myself or am I just in denial of what I really feel?

I can feel like I am happier than I have ever been for awhile. Then sadness starts to creep in. Is this the way life is because we live in a world of duality as some religions teach. Can you really be happy all the time? I haven't found that to be true for me.

Can I stop myself from getting my feelings hurt by a simple decision to not feel that way? Am I not being true to myself by not feeling hurt and let down? Feelings are such a mystery to me.
Patricia

Poem - You Can Fly. . . But That Cocoon Has Got To Go!

This has long been one of my favorite poems. I don't know where I first saw it or who the author is but I wanted to share it with you.


YOU CAN FLY. . . BUT THAT COCOON HAS GOT TO GO!

And I don't think it was talking about butterflies.

But the risk--oh, the risk of leaving the swaddling
warmth of a cocoon. My cocoon. My status quo.
My. . . deadening security.
To leave the known,
no matter how confining it may be--for an unknown,
a totally new lifestyle--
oh, the risk!

Lord, my cocoon chafes, sometimes. But I know its
restrictions. And it's scarey to consider the awful
implications of flight. I'm leery of heights. (Even
your heights.)
But, Lord, I could see so much wider, clearer
from heights.
And there's an exhilaration about flight that I
have always longed for.
I want to fly. . .
if I could just have the cocoon to come back to.
Butterflies can't.
Probably butterflies don't even want to--
once they've tasted flight.

It's the risk that makes me hesitate.
The knowing I can't come back to the warm, undemanding
status quo.

Lord. . . about butterflies. . .
the cocoon has only two choices--
risk
or die
What about me?
If I refuse to risk,
do I, too, die inside, still wrapped in the swaddling
web?

Lord?

Author Unknown

Let me know what you think about this poem?
Patricia

The Serenity Prayer

"God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."

This simple, powerful prayer is one of the first things that I learned in Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings.

From the book "Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses" written by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., page 173:
"Serenity doesn't come by avoiding the difficulties in my life, but by walking through them with the help of my Higher Power and my recovery friends."

Avoiding your difficulties in life is the same as living in denial and only works against you. Denial never solves anything. It just adds more challenges on top of what you are already avoiding.

The Serenity Prayer doesn't ask God to remove the situation or difficulty. It asks for help to change your reaction to the situation or difficulty. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is have the courage to realize that nothing but you can change. Changing the other person is never an option. The only person you can ever change is you. The other person is the only one who can ever change the other person. This kind of acceptance can bring you peace.

The Serenity Prayer is one of the most useful tools that I have ever found.
Patricia

Are You Playing The Victim Again?

This morning a friend called me after reading my recent post "Growing Up With Alcoholism In The Family" and asked me if she was hearing me playing the victim role? She was afraid that I might be getting sucked back into that garbage. I told her no that was not happening at all. I told her that my writing that post was strictly to help others. She was glad to hear it.

To me, one of the best ways to stop playing victim is to be able to reach out and help others. I haven't played the victim role in a very long time. That just isn't who I am any longer. I would never want to go back into that sense of helplessness and hopelessness that comes from being a victim.

Why do you ever choose to be a victim? Is it karma that you are working through with the other person? Is it because you lack the courage to leave a relationship or situation that you are familiar and comfortable with? Is it because you are fearful of being alone? What keeps you being a victim could be any of those things or something else.

The main reason to stay a victim is that you are getting something out of the role, otherwise, you would stop. You would say, "No more. This doesn't work for me."

As a child, you don't have a choice to be a victim, especially if the perpetrator is your parent. As an adult, you always have a choice. I know that as an adult, you may not be aware that you have a choice but that choice is always there waiting for the awareness to come.

People talk about courage as if it is something that some of us have and some of us don't. I don't believe that. You all have courage waiting to be used when the need arises. It isn't something that I have and you don't. When you are pushed hard enough the courage will come forth. I can acknowledge that yes I have courage and have used it to change my life and so do you have that same courage when you want to use it.

I don't see courage as something that just heroes have and everybody else doesn't. You all have it. You just have to choose to use it.

Today, if you are in a bad situation or bad relationship, I encourage you to, "Just say no." as the advertisements against drug abuse said a few years ago. That simple word, "NO" can change your life. If you are in a violent situation and can't make the change by yourself, ask for someone's help.

You don't have to be a victim unless you choose to.
Patricia