Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Most Influential Person---#1---Love Of My Life

I would have to say that the person that has influenced my life the most is my husband Daniel. Most of his influencing has been done simply by being in my life, by being my most constant source of support. Daniel and I will be married for 35 years on August 25 of this year.

I decided to write this article after reading a wonderful article on friendship and gratitude from the following website:


Damian, the author of the article sent out the challenge to his readers to send out gratitude to those people who have influenced their lives the most in the form of an article to say thanks. Well, this is my first of several articles that I will write to do this. In writing these articles, I am becoming part of "being the change".

My words can't say all that I feel for Daniel. He is my husband, lover, best friend. He is a comedian, a wonderful storyteller, a wise man, and a teaser extraordinaire. I learned to be a smart ass in self defense. He has a wonderful, twisted sense of humor that you either get or you don't. There is no half-way with Daniel. People either love him or hate him. There is no middle ground where he is concerned. He taught me about laughter, joy, loyalty, and pleasure. Can you begin to see why I love him?

Daniel cares what I think. He allows me the space to do and be what I need to do and be. He stays even though he knows all of my secrets. He supports me when I am sad and mad. He is wise enough not to argue with me. He lets me rant and yell and then he quietly goes and does whatever he wants to. Which is fine with me, because most of the time, I just needed to be heard.

Daniel and I together have created a safe place for me to grow and explore my world and my Self. He gives me space and freedom which are really important to Sagittarians like me. Neither of us is jealous of the other. We do things together as a couple and separate as individuals. We have similiar and different likes and dislikes. We compliment each other as individuals who are part of a couple.

When we were first married and I was in denial of my incest issues, Daniel would hold me some nights and let me cry on his shoulder for an hour or more at a time. He never pushed for answers that I couldn't give at that time. He never asked questions. He would just quietly, lovingly, offer his support until the crying was over and I was asleep.

Daniel taught me patience. The man had no idea of what time was when we were young. I didn't drive for many years. Daniel would drop me off wherever I needed to go and come back and pick me up, usually hours later because he would meet someone and get lost in conversation and forget what time it was. It took me about 15 years to learn to take it in stride where I wouldn't get upset each time he was late. Now, it isn't important. I find other ways to spend my time. Also, I have been driving for about 10 years now. His family used to joke that Daniel would always be home 2 hours later he said he would. When I finally let go of my reactions to his being late, he quit being late.

Daniel taught me about trying to control other people. He taught me that it isn't nice. He also taught me that we both had issues in that area that we had to learn to let go of. When I finally made up my mind to learn to drive was after an acquaintance told me that I was using not driving as a way to control Daniel. If he dropped me off and had to come back to pick me up, then, according to her, I was controlling Daniel by controlling his time. In case she was right, I decided to let go of that by learning to drive. When I decided to learn how to drive, Daniel unconsciously did the controlling, by making excuses why I couldn't have the car to practice my driving. When I caught on to what he was doing, I decided to let him have the control for awhile. I stopped fighting with him over the car and my time to practice driving. At the same time, I conveniently started needing to go more places. He spent more and more time taking me places until he got tired of doing that and was then willing to let go of his attempts at control. He still won't admit that was what he was doing. A few months after that I had my license.

Daniel, with his sense of humor, taught me to laugh at the world and at myself. His sense of humor was his biggest attraction for me, when we first met. He admits he liked my smile so he would say funny things to make me laugh. Before I met Daniel, there was never that much laughter in my life.

Daniel can be a very quiet, private person too. I always know when Daniel has accepted my friends as being a part of our lives. He starts to tease them. That means he likes them and feels comfortable with them when they call or visit.

Daniel is kind-hearted and easy-going. I tell him that he is much nicer than me. He really is. Daniel, my love, you hold my heart in your hands. A side of Daniel that most people don't see is that of a poet. On our honeymoon, he wrote me a funny, beautifully sentimental poem. For our 25th wedding anniversary, I talked him into renewing our wedding vows. When the minister asked if Daniel and I wanted to say anything. I read that first poem that he wrote for me. Daniel didn't know that I was planning on reading it. Unknown to me, he had written another poem, especially for the occasion, that he read after I finished reading the first poem. As we get older together, our thoughts do seem to be more in harmony with each other.

Our journey has not been an easy one, mostly because of me and my incest issues which were responsible for a ton of fears and anger that I carried around for a lot of years. Just because you don't acknowledge a problem, doesn't mean it doesn't exist or that it doesn't affect you in significant ways in your life. Daniel, I thank you for your continued love, patience and support. Life would have truly been Hell without you by my side trying to lighten my load. You continue to add your light to mine. I love you.

Daniel told me on our 25th Anniversary that he would marry me again on our 50th Anniversary. I intend to hold him to that. I will expect another poem too. It is a wonderful experience when you get to see the softer side of a man. Romance has never been a problem for Daniel. He has taught me that it is ok to enjoy life, to not be so serious. I wore white for our first wedding and teal for our second. I love bold, bright colors. I wonder what I will wear for our 3rd wedding. Oh well, I still have 15 more years to plan it. I am sure I can come up with something outrageous by then. Variety is what keeps a marriage interesting. It also keeps Daniel on his toes trying to figure out what I will do next. Well, Daniel, keep guessing. I know you enjoy every minute of it.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Being Honest With Myself

I just realized that I am running away from my feelings, again. I try not to do this and I still do it. Sometimes sitting in this body with all of these jumbled feelings is just too much work, so I run. My running takes the shape of eating. Eating buries the fear and anger, pushing them back down inside where I don't have to look at them.

I am furious with myself and with my sister. I can't do anything to change my sister so that just leaves me to deal with. I am the only person that I can change.

I tell myself that I am furious with my sister because she is ruining her life and making her daughter miserable. I got a phone call from my neice and my sister yesterday so I have heard both sides of their stories. I tend to side with my neice. My sister says my neice and I are just alike. Right now, my sister doesn't seem to like her daughter so I assume she doesn't like me either. I was doing some EFT tapping this morning to heal my feelings of anger toward my sister. What I learned was that I am angry at my sister for being irresponsible because I had to be so super-responsible as a child and young adult.

Irresponsibility in another person makes me aware that I wasn't happy being super-responsibile, but I wasn't allowed to be any other way. I was the family hero. My sister was the family scapegoat who was always getting in trouble. She is still living out her family role. I am working on releasing mine. I don't want to be the family hero. Being the family hero calls for too many lies. If I am playing the hero, when someone asks for my opinion, I may not tell them what I really think because it would tarnish my image as the person everyone wants to be around. Heroes don't hurt other people's feelings with their honesty. I want to be real, to honor the truth of who I am and what I feel.

Irresponsibility and super-responsibility are opposites sides of the same coin, both disfunctional, neither one healthy. Both hold resentments against others. Both carry self-hatred. Both are hurting and hurtful. Both are full of rage. Neither one knowing how to heal. Both crying inside but afraid to let the other one know.

Awareness slowly creeps in as I write. I don't want to be angry with my sister or myself any more. I release my anger, my need to be super-responsible. It is so easy to say those words.

I know the right words to say. My problem is with letting myself feel the pain. That is the really scarey part of this work. Eating is so much easier. Eating doesn't take away the pain. Eating just gives me a blindfold so I don't have to see or feel the pain. Eating just adds pounds to the problem. Some days I can deal with the pain. Other days, it is so much easier to just eat. Eating just gives me another reason to hate myself. I have always said that when my self-esteem is where it should be, then I won't have an eating/weight problem.

Have I really released the anger yet? My hurting stomach says no. My shallow breathing says no. A part of me, the abused little kid in me, wants to rant and rave at my parents for giving my sister and I those roles in life. I want this to be easy but it's not. I want this to be over with, but it's not. The little kid in me is "cussin' a blue streak" right now. You know what? I am going to let her. She isn't hurting anyone and it feels pretty good. Now she is beginning to cry. She has that right too. I have that right. It is part of her healing and my healing.

Writing has helped me get this far but it can't take me the rest of the way to where I need to go. I will leave you now so that I can go cry. How honest is that? Tears are healing. Do you have any tears of your own that need to be cried?

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Yes, I Am A Lightworker.

Are you a Lightworker? I am. Some of you don't know me in this capacity. Many of you don't know that I work with Reiki---the healing energy of the Universe. I know one friend who taps into this energy even though he has never had any formal training with a Reiki Master. He does this intuitively. He is a powerful healer. We all have this same ability to heal ourselves and our planet.

I have taken 5 classes over the past 10 years to learn how to work with halograms of healing. This method isn't very well known. Alton Kamadon from Australia was the channel that this information came through before his death a few years ago. This is called the Melchizedek Method. Alton was originally affiliated with the Flower of Life material. I haven't actively practiced the Melchizedek Method in awhile.

I have several meditation CD's for Chakra Clearing that I like to use also. I participate in healing circles when I hear of one happening here in Hot Springs, Arkansas.

Another healing modality that I have used is EFT---Emotional Freedom Technique. You can find out information about EFT at the following website:

http://www.emofree.com/ .

I am mostly self-taught on using EFT through watching DVD's that I bought through the website and the free manual that you can find and download on the website.

Most of the healing work that I do is self-healing. I also will send healing energy to family and friends, at their request. I also send healing energy to Mother Earth on a regular basis during my meditations.

I am still learning about myself as a healer. Because of my own fears, I have been hesitant to share this part of myself with very many people. I am learning from my friends who are healers to be confident in my abilities.

When did I first label myself as a Lightworker? The first time was when I read an article written by my friend Slade. You will find that article at the following website:


Slade explains what it means to be a Lightworker so much better than I can. In his article, Slade mentions Doreen Virtue's book The Lightworker's Way. In his article, Slade gives Doreen's definition of a Lightworker as "those who volunteered before birth to help people and the planet heal from the effects of fear". Slade's article goes on to list the characteristics of a Lightworker. He also discusses that this calling to be a Lightworker involves a committment to "step out of your own shadow and begin to live your life with a selfless, spiritual agenda . . ."

Stepping out of my own shadow of fear is what I hope to do with this newsletter. I hope that by sharing where I have been and my journey out of the pain will help others to do the same. You are not alone.

Slade is a great writer, so go to the above site and check out the rest of what he wrote that convinced me to admit to being a Lightworker.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Fire The Grid on July 17, 2007


You may have received a recent newsletter about the information found at the above site. I have received 3 this week. I am writing this article for those of you who haven't heard about it.

If you care about the possibility of healing Mother Earth of the damage that we, as the human race, have done to her and you want to add your healing abilities to those of others doing this healing work, then go to the above website now.

July 17, 2007 is the date that has been established for Lightworkers to do this healing work. All it takes is an hour of your time. Even if you don't think you have any healing abilities; even if you think that you as just one person can't make a difference; read the article. It might change your mind. We are all important.

If you don't consider yourself a Lightworker, that is ok. (I will sometime soon do an article on what it means to be a Lightworker.) If you don't think you are a healer, that is ok. We are all healers in some shape and form. You may not be actively or consciously aware of the fact that you are a healer. That is ok. We all possess this ability to different degrees. We are all capable of healing ourselves and Mother Earth. If you still don't believe me when I say that you are a healer too, that is ok.

Just by adding your intent to heal to that of other healers, you are lending us your support. That means a lot. If nothing else, send your loving thoughts to Mother Earth during this time. Thank her for providing you with food, air, water and life. Without her, where would you be? Floating around in outer space? On another planet? Send her all the love that you can feel during that hour of early morning of July 17. I thank you for that and so does she.

Even if you don't consider yourself to be a healer, check out the above website. It tells the wonderful miracle of a mother and her 4-year-old son who drown and are later revived to perfect health, despite doctor's advise and warnings to the contrary. It is a heart-warming story.

For those of you that are healers, please participate and tell all of your friends about this event. Use whatever healing modalities are at your disposal. I will be using Reiki, colors, Melchizedek, and adding all of my love to top it off. Thank you for doing the same. Please come back and leave comments after the fact so we can all learn from your experiences.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Gratitude---A Life Saver

During the low times of my life, I have always used gratitude to pull me back to a place of balance. Thinking about the things in my life that I have to be grateful for aways lifts me up out of my "oh poor me" attitude that can carry me down into depression and keep me there drowning in my own feelings of shame and pity. Gratitude brings to mind the miracles in my life. It reminds me of all of the wonderful people that love and support me.

One of those miracles has to do with when I left home at 19. I finally had the courage to face my dad. I knew in my heart that if I didn't leave right then, that I would never get away from the abuse. Here is the miracle. When I told a college friend that I was leaving, she offered me a place to live for the summer and offered to help me get my first job. I took her up on her offer.

As determined as I was, if God had not put her in my path, I would have been out on the streets, on my own. I knew that if I didn't leave the abuse behind right then, that I would have died, maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. My spirit would have died. God has always put someone like this friend in my life whenever I have needed the outside love and support. I will forever be grateful to this friend. I had only known her for a few months. We were in several classes at a junior college together. She had a daughter my age. I lived with this family for 3 months and found out what "normal" was.

I remember an Oprah show where she gave everyone in her audience a gratitude journal to write down 5-10 things every day that they were grateful for. I liked the idea so much that for Christmas that year, I gave gratitude journals to all of my friends and some of my family members.

That year I wrote my own gratitude journal including 5 things I was grateful for each day. When I make a gratitude list and start the day with doing this, it affects my attitude for the entire day. What a wonderful way to start the day.

June 15, 2007
I made the decision to start my own gratitude journal starting today with the following 5 entries:

1. I am grateful for the love of my husband.

2. I am grateful that I have the love and support of my family and friends as I learn to be me.

3. I am grateful for all of the special people that God has put in my life when I needed a guiding hand, a teacher, or a life saver.

4. I am grateful for the joy of writing.

5. I am grateful for the opportunities to grow closer to the God of my understanding.

June 16, 2007

1. I am grateful for the inspiration that keeps coming my way.

2. I am grateful for my curiosity about life.

3. I am grateful for my thirst for knowledge.

4. I am grateful for my friends.

5. I am grateful for Daniel's (my husband) patience.

June 17, 2007
This morning, I actually remembered to start the day with writing these out instead of remembering later in the day. I had a joy filled and very productive day by setting my mood with these things to be grateful for.

1. I am grateful that I don't have to be perfect.

2. I am especially grateful for the bad things that happened to me in my childhood because they molded me into the compassionate, wonderfully caring, loving person that I am today.

3. I am grateful for my parents who were my greatest teachers.

4. I am grateful for the lessons that my children and grandchildren teach me.

5. I am grateful for my journey through this lifetime.

6. I am grateful for the opportunity to get to know the real, inner me.

Yes, there are 6 instead of 5. Didn't one of the above say, "I am grateful that I don't have to be perfect."

I challenge everyone that is reading this to start your own gratitude journal and let me know how this writing affects your life. Start each day by writing between 5-10 things that you are grateful for. If you forget one day, double up the next. Just do it. You will be glad that you did.

If you want more information about gratitude and its effects on you read the following 2 articles:


Sunday, June 17, 2007

Happy Father's Day, Daddy

When I left to go to church this morning, I had no idea that I would be writing a Happy Father's Day to my dad. This was inspired by what I heard my minister say in his sermon. Thanks, Rev. Joe. I hope you had a wonderful Father's Day.

Jesus tells His Father to "Forgive them, for they know not what they do." We can all apply this to ourselves and to our parents. I have heard for years in Al-Anon and ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), that our parents did the best that they could. I used to get very angry when someone would say that. Finally, someone added the following words to that sentence, "and it wasn't good enough." Those few words added made all the difference to me. My feelings were being validated. Rev. Joe today said "They did the best that they could with the tools that they had from their level of consciousness. I like that statement too. I feel that I have a higher level of consciousness than my parents had and I still make mistakes with my children.

I read somewhere a few years ago, that we see God as having the same attributes as the father that raised us. What fatherly attributes have you given your God, the Father?

I need my God to be a loving, forgiving, and compassionate Father. I don't need Him to be the physically and emotionally abusive father that I grew up with. Nor is He an angry, raging Father. My God is not a punishing, nonforgiving Father.

My God understands my needs and desires. He knows why I think the way that I do. He knows why I feel the way that I do. He is perfectly ok with me getting angry at Him. With my dad, I was never allowed to feel that I was angry with him. I often wondered if I would survive the wrath of my dad.

"Happy Father's Day, Daddy." I can finally say, "I love you." and not feel the rage that you acted out and I suppressed in myself. Daddy, I now know that I chose you as my dad before I was born. I also know that you were my husband in a past life so maybe I chose you as my dad so that we could both end the karma that we both attracted to us in that past life time. It has taken a long time and a lot of hard work to get here. I am grateful for the opportunity to grow that this lifetime has given me.

My dad died on January 6, 2001, alone and probably frightened and angry at himself and God. He was alone because of the life style that he chose. He was probably frightened and angry because dying was out of his control. My dad was a dictator. I was able to make my peace with my dad a year and a half before he died. I am thankful that I was able to face him and say "I forgive you."

As my consciousness grows and expands so could my idea of who God is. This is a God of my understanding and nobody else has to agree with me. I want to end with saying,
"Happy Father's Day, God, my Father." Hope you had a nice one.

Friday, June 15, 2007

I Am A Writer

I was talking with a friend recently that I haven't talked to in awhile. I told him about my blog and the articles that I have been writing. I told him that I have 2 big notebooks that I write in before I go to the website to write my articles. I also have a small notebook that fits in my purse and goes everywhere with me so when an idea hits, I can write it down for expanding on later.

My friend has been doing some major writing of his own since we last talked. When I told him about my notebooks, he said, "Guess what? You are a writer." I said, "Yes, I know."

I am beginning to feel like a writer and I like that. I decided to claim this as my own. Yes, I am a writer. My friend Slade has been encouraging me to write since we met last September through his website Shift Your Spirits.

Since I laid claim to the title of writer officially just 2 weeks ago, inspiration has come to me from every direction---TV commercials, email conversations, newsletter articles I have read, telephone conversations with friends, songs from the radio, and my minister at church on Sunday mornings. Thank you Universe/God/Goddess for the encouragement and inspiration.

Right now, I am riding on a wave of emotions---excitement, wonder, joy and fear all mixed in together. I am doing my darnedess to not let the fear win. I am pushing myself to keep moving forward.

Last night my daughter and I were emailing back and forth. I asked if she had read any of my articles yet. She said she had subcribed to my newsletter. Christie said that she has already found out some things about me that she didn't know. I forgot that there are still some mysteries about me where my family is concerned.

Both of my children know the general details of my childhood incest issues. They were teenagers when I told them and my mother about the incest. Some things have been easier to share with complete strangers than with my family.

When I had been in counseling and worked on my issues for a few years, I decided it was time to tell my family. My husband already knew. My reasons for telling the family secrets at that time had to do with the fact that some of my dad's brothers and sisters did not understand why I didn't want my dad in my life. I told my children, my mother, my brother and sister before I wrote a letter to my dad's mother, brother and sisters telling them all about the abuse. That is a story to include in another article.

I know that I still have to write a Biography---Part 2, as well. Writing Biography---Part 1 bought up unexpected emotions that surprised me and I am still looking at my reaction.

My daughter told me she was glad that I am writing my blog. It feels good to have the support of my family and friends with this project.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

What Is Beauty?

The following questions are found at the following website:

written by Vera Nadine. I hope you check out her article. It is a fasinating way to look at beauty. Thank you, Vera, for writing it.

Vera's questions and statements are in italics. My answers are not.
"Who are you? What do you see as your positive qualities? How do those equate to your physical body? I want you to complete these sentences:

I am a great writer.

I help others by listening.

I am very talented at connecting with people.

I have always been a good friend.

I am a total success at being me.

Now fill these in with a body part:

My mouth helps me to help others.

These hands are a tool for my success.

My greatness is strengthened by the use of my brain.

I have fantastic legs.

I see my talents reflected in my eyes.

I am grateful that I have a healthy heart.

So, why affirm yourself?
Because a person who is aware of their own talents in an active way is a person who is more confident in those talents. Confidence is beautiful."

Except for the answers to the above questions, all of those words came from Vera Nadine. Isn't she a beautiful person? I have never met Vera except through her words on her website. I challenge you to go to her website which is shown above and read the rest of this wonderful article and then answer the above questions for yourself.

I intend to make a copy of these questions and answers and affirm them to myself each day for the next 30 days to make them a part of my being. Because of these, I will walk in the confidence of who I am, connected to my mind, body and spirit.

I hope you will do the same.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

What "Ifs" Are Holding You Back?

What "ifs" are keeping you from fully living your life? If you are like me, there can be many "ifs".

If my husband will do so and so . . . .

If my friend will pick me up . . . .

If my dad had never touched me . . . .

If my mom had asked questions . . . .

If I wasn't so afraid . . . .

If I wasn't so tired . . . .

If the kids were better behaved . . . .

There are so many more that I could list. Are they important? Are they real? No. They are just excuses for not fully living my life. They are excuses to not move forward, excuses to stay stuck in the past. They allow me to stay stuck in the fear of the past or the fear of the future.

Whose fault is it? Mine. Who can make the necessary changes to let go and move forward? Me.

This is just one of the many realizations that I have gotten lately as I looked at why I was dissatisfied with where I am right now. I feel like I have awakened from a deep sleep. Part of this awakening has happened because of my renewed interest in writing.

Writing has always been a healing outlet for me. I have written since I was a teenager when I started writing a journal. Those first journals were written about just the everyday, ordinary happenings of my life. Back then, I never wrote about the subjects that I really needed to write about because I was afraid that someone would find my journals and read them. I didn't want anyone to know the real me, the wounded me.

Today, I write about the important stuff that really matters to me. I thank my readers for giving me that opportunity. I hope you stick around and grow with me.

Look out world. I am awake and aware.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Forgiveness, Done In Layers

I just finished reading a free e-book from the Urban Monk Albert Foong which you will find on his website, http://www.urbanmonk.net . I did some thinking and decided to write this article. His article is about anger, sadness, and forgiveness.

With my incest issues, I have done my share of all of those. I have used his methods for accessing the anger. I have felt the sadness. I have done the forgiveness. The problem with all of those is they keep popping back up and I have to do them over again.

The realization I got from this is that you don't forgive, really forgive, until you have released the anger. That takes hard work. At least, it has for me. If anyone knows a better, easier way to do it, please let me know.

What forgiveness means to me:
It doesn't mean that what was done to me was alright. It doesn't mean it will be forgotten. Forgiveness isn't a one-time event. Now that those are out of the way, let me tell you what forgiveness does mean.

Forgiveness means releasing the anger at the person who abused me and releasing the anger at myself because I couldn't prevent the abuse from happening until I was 17 when I was big enough and old enough to say no and not get talked out of my decision. I was finally emotionally older and stronger than my abuser. I finally had the courage to say, if you don't leave me alone, I will tell. I still wasn't courageous enough to follow through and tell, but he didn't know that. I was much, much older before I let go of my own fears so that I could tell. Then I had to forgive myself for taking so long.

Forgiveness means releasing the emotions that are harming me and my body. Holding onto my anger doesn't hurt the other person but it sure can hurt me by becoming depression, by adding pounds to my body, and stealing my spontaneity and joy. Depression can cause such illnesses as headaches and cancer. Why do that to myself?

Forgiveness isn't a one-time thing. I find myself doing it over and over again. Anger and hurt can hide from your conscious mind and be triggered by what seems like unconnected events. For example, my husband Daniel asks me to turn the air conditioner down at night when he goes to bed. Our bedroom is the coldest room in our house. I find myself getting angry at his request because for me, it is an echo of my father telling me what to do when I was a kid. My father was a dictator who was often unreasonable with his demands. My husband is not a dictator and doesn't make unreasonable demands when he asks me to turn down the air. What I have found within myself is another hidden source of anger. I can react and yell at my husband that I am not going to tell the air down or I can look at my misdirected anger for what it is, an echo of the past when I felt helpless and had no choice but to do as my father demanded. I can choose to release this anger and feelings of helplessness and know that my husband would never want me to feel that way where he is concerned.

Tomorrow is a new day. Today I released a new layer of anger. Joy is beginning to come back into my life. For that I am thankful.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Instant Manifesting---Part 1 and 2

Hi everyone. This short article is to let you know about 2 Guest articles that I wrote and posted about manifesting. You will find those articles on Slade Roberson's blog Shift Your Spirits. Here are the links for those 2 articles that I wrote back in October 2006.

Talk About Instant Manifesting is found at http://sladeroberson.com/manifesting/talk-about-instant-manifesting.html

Instant Manifesting - Part 2 is found at http://sladeroberson.com/manifesting/instant-manifesting-part-2.html

While you are there, check out Slade's wonderful website.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

What's In A Name?

I was going to discuss the material in the following article in Biography---Part 2 but decided instead that the subject needed its own article. This information is edited from an email that I wrote to a friend back in December 2006.

When I was a child, I was called Patricia. Some of my friends at school called me Pat. Family has always called me Patricia. When I left home at 19, I became Pat and stopped using Patricia.

Patricia was a shy, abused child, scared of everyone and everything. Patricia was afraid of attention and starved for it at the same time. Patricia blended in. Patricia never had any opinions of her own.

Pat was a young adult, making her own decisions, living her life the way she wanted to for the first time in her life. Nobody was ever going to abuse Pat or tell her what to do again. Pat walked away from the abuse. She didn't deal with the way it affected her life. She would pretend that her family and childhood were normal.

When my husband, children and I moved to Hot Springs, Arkansas in October 1988, I knew it was time to work on me. In January 1989, I picked up a newspaper and found my first Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meeting and soon after started going to Al-Anon meetings as well, trying to understand my dad, my mom and myself. My dad and grandfather were both alcoholics. I worked on finding out who I was and what made me happy, angry, sad, and hurt for 10 years. The ACA group that taught me so much about alcohol and myself dissolved through lack of members a few years before I quit going to Al-Anon. I still called myself Pat instead of Patricia. I still had not reconnected with who Patricia was.

After I stopped going to Al-Anon meetings, I found a church and began to explore my relationship with God. As I looked at who my image of God was, I found myself on a whole other level. Through the Unity church and the friends that I made there, I began to remember the beliefs that I held as a child. I always knew that God was a part of who I was. Baptist and Assembly of God churches that I went to as a child, didn't tell me that. I just knew. Even during the abuse when I told myself that God had turned his back on me, in my heart, I knew that God was there enabling me to grow through and beyond the abuse.

About 2 years ago, I decided it was time to become Patricia again. This Patricia is the whole me, childhood experiences and memories and also the adult Pat with all of her hard work, experiences and wisdom. I have discovered that there are still some people that I don't want to call me Patricia so sometimes I still introduce myself as Pat instead of Patricia. I think it is a sign of trust to allow certain people to call me Patricia. Some of my friends still call me Pat. I haven't insisted that they suddenly start calling me Patricia. I can't tell you exactly what shifted in me 2 years ago when I decided to be called Patricia again. It just felt right. So, please call me Patricia.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Dreams Can Teach Us About Ourselves

A friend once told me that every character in our dreams represents some part of ourselves. With that I mind, I will share the dream that I had this morning.

I have changed the name of the male in my dream "to protect the inocent".

In the dream, I am visiting a friend named Patrick. We are in his office with his young secretary. She apparently said or did something that Patrick did not like. Patrick threw a temper tantrum knocking everything on his secretary's desk to the floor. There was a bed in the room. During Patrick's tantrum, I laid down and pretended to be asleep. I was being polite by pretending not to notice his rage. The secretary was very frightened by Patrick's outburst. She left the room.

I sat up and talked to Patrick about his outburst. (I have forgotten the exact conversation. That is the problem with not remembering the dream until several hours after I woke up. I always lose some of the important details.) Patrick was so upset that he had tears in his eyes. That was the end of the dream.

What do these 3 people represent in me?
Patrick---Am I still raging when I don't get my way? Is it still easier for me to do rage than admit that I am frightened?
The secretary---Am I still frightened by other people's rage?
Me---Am I still hiding from my own feelings? Is there still unaccessed rage hiding inside of me that I haven't acknowledged? Am I still pretending that everything is ok when it isn't?

I need to acknowledge and forgive myself for still continuing in these old patterns of behavior. I need to search out the ways that I am still doing this.

If you are interested in reading more about working with dreams, I read 2 really well written articles by Kara-Leah Masina on her blog. Check them out at http://www.klmasina.co.nz/2007/05/07/how-to-work-with-your-dreams/

and the second article is at http://www.klmasina.co.nz/2007/06/04/how-to-work-with-your-dreams-part-2/

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Biography---Part 1

The purpose of writing this blog is to share my spiritual journey to wholeness. Unless I write about my childhood, nobody will know how far I have come to get where I am today. Even as a young child, I knew that something good had to come out of the pain that I was suffering.

I write to help myself and to help others. I am not alone and neither are you. I will no longer suffer in the quiet of my mind. I speak out to help others.

I was born on December 11, 1951. My parents named me Patricia. Until recently, my friends all called me Pat. It has only been in the past 3 years that I have started answering to and using the name Patricia again. Later on, in Part 2 of my biography, I will explain why I refused to answer to the name Patricia except with family members who have always called me Patricia.

I was the oldest of 3 children. At an early age, I was given the role of family hero. I always made good grades, was always polite, rarely got into trouble. You could call me a "goody two shoes". I was always the teacher's pet. School was the only place that I felt safe.

At the age of 3, 2 important events happened. The first event that I remember was when I made the decision to become my mother's protector. I have a vivid memory of someone in my dad's family dying. Everyone was crying and upset except my mother. I remember looking up at her and thinking, "She feels nothing." It became my job to protect her so she wouldn't have to feel.

The second event happened at my maternal grandmother's church. I remember the preacher talking about the sin of adultry and in my child's mind, I labeled myself as an adultress. I forgot about this event until about 10 years ago when I was sharing my story for the first time in front of a crowd of people at an open AA meeting. I was their guest speaker that day and I recorded my talk. I knew I would be too nervous to remember what I had said. I listened to the tape twice before I heard what I said about labeling myself an adultress. I have no memories to support calling myself by this label.

My memories of abuse started when I was 11 years old. An uncle asked my parents if I could go on a fishing trip with him for the day. I wasn't sure that I wanted to go but went since my parents oked the trip. I was raped several times during the day. It happened several times more over the weekend. I can't tell you all of the reasons for my silence.

A few months later, my dad started to sexually abuse me. This continued for 6 years. When I was 17, I was strong enough to say no. I knew that I was emotional stronger than my dad. Some people have asked me why my mother didn't do anything to stop it. After I had been though several years of counseling, I told my mom. I asked her if she knew. She said no. My belief was that since she was so shut down to her own emotional pain, she couldn't see what was happening to me. If she had, she would have been forced to deal with her own pain.

I have forgiven all of my abusers and myself for the parts that we played in this drama. Both of my parents have been my greatest teachers in this lifetime. I would not change any of it. It has made me into the caring, compassionate, strong woman that I am today.

I lived in 2 worlds as a child. This is how I survived. I had the abuse at home and I had the world of books at school. I hated summers when I was home every day. I loved school. My other escape was TV. I know that a lot of people think that TV is bad for our children and I agree that the commercials and violence are bad. Books and TV were how I escaped the world of abuse and rage that my dad created in our house. Books and movies took me places I would never have been able to go otherwise. I could visit China, Australia or the moon and outer space through reading and movies. I am still an avid reader today except that today I read mostly non-fiction. As a child and young adult, I read for pure escapism. I was a "Trekkie" before there was a label for it.

As a teenager, I was extremely shy. Most of my classmates probably don't remember much about me. I was quiet and tried to blend in or disappear. I craved attention and was terrified of it. At home, I cleaned house and cooked and tried to keep out of trouble. At school, I spent most of my time in class or the library reading.

When I was a senior, one day I decided to wear makeup to school. I think I may have put it on in the school bathroom so my dad wouldn't see. I had saved my lunch money for a month to buy it. No one said anything about me looking different until English class. My teacher told me that I looked nice and my eyes were pretty. I went home and washed the makeup off my face and didn't wear any again until after I was in college and away from home. I was thrilled that she noticed and terrified of the attention that it might draw my way.

I know that this may be difficult for some to read. It was difficult for me to write.

I still have a fear of revealing too much. My object in writing this is to show you the beginnings of my spiritual journey. Without this, I would be a blank slate. All of these experiences have welded me into the individual that I am today. I have gone though the fires of adversity and come out the other side of it a better person.

I decided to write this because of a recent article that I read by a friend of mine. I hope you will check out this article. It is called "Stories That No Longer Serve You" written by Slade Roberson. Below is the link that will take you to his website. The article is well worth reading.


Slade has been my inspiration and teacher for how to set up my own blog. He actually thinks I am a good writer. He keeps encouraging me to write and share it with others, so here it is. Right now my site is a work in progress, so please be patient. Things are changing every day.

Love you all,
Patricia Singleton

Friday, June 1, 2007

Three Of My Past Life Experiences

Have you ever met someone that you liked or disliked really intensely?

I believe that the level of intensity indicates a possible past life between me and this other person. I know a woman that used to work for my husband. I have always tried to be nice to her, just out of respect for her as an individual. I have never liked her and if given the chance will leave the room when she enters. For the longest time, I could not figure out why my feelings were so intense even though I looked at them.

Then, one day, in my mind's eye, I saw myself as a woman wearing a long black dress and black boots. I was looking up at myself as I was hanging from a tree. I knew I was slowly choking to death and this woman was standing watching as this happened. I knew that she was the reason I was being hung. Then my feelings of dislike for this woman made sense.

I was then able to forgive the woman and myself for the parts that we played in our previous life together.

I no longer have any feelings of dislike for this woman. She is still not someone I would consider a friend and the negative feelings of anger and hatred that I once felt for her are gone and most importantly, out of my body.

My second story of a past life happening starts with my 29-year-old daughter, Christie.

She has 4 children whom I dearly love. Each time my daughter got pregnant (5 times since one was a miscarriage), I would suddenly be furious with her and her husband.

I could not understand why I was so angry at her. The intensity was blown all out of proportion.

After Christie miscarried her pregnancy, I received the missing piece of information.

I heard a voice say, "You lost her once before in childbirth."

I knew that the voice was right. I don't know what part I played. Was I her husband, her parent, I don't know. I do know that I was devastated by the lost and with each of Christie's pregnancies, I revisited those fears.

I shared this story with Christie and told her that she did not have to repeat this past life pattern ever again.

I felt that it was very important for me to tell her this, for both of our sakes.

With Christie's last pregnancy, I did not experience this fear or fury. We were both glad of that.

The feelings needed to be acknowledged.

My very first past life experience came to me in the form of a dream.
I didn't recognize it as such. A friend, years later, told me that it was a past life.
My son, Jeremy was just a baby of less than a year when I had this dream.

In the dream, Jeremy was a young man in his late teens or early 20's at least.
(In the dream, I saw Jeremy as he looks as a grown man today in his early 30's.)
I saw myself as a young pioneer woman standing outside near a log cabin. I looked across the field to see Jeremy running toward me from the edge of the nearby forest. He is carrying the kind of gun used in pioneer days.

Behind him 6-8 American Indians came running out of the forest shotting arrows at him as they ran. I knew they killed him as I watched from beside the cabin. I woke up sobbing. I was so upset that I didn't tell anyone about the dream for over a month.

This dream felt so real. When I woke up, I realized that the dream took place on my parents' property outside of Plain Dealing, Louisiana. We were supposed to visit them that weekend. I refused to go. I didn't tell my husband Daniel why until a month later when I finally was calm enough to tell him about the dream.

Recall of this dream is as clear for me today as it was 30 years ago when I dreamt it. About 10 years ago, I shared the dream with a small group of friends. One of those friends told me it was a past life recall. When he said that, I knew it was true.

I know that not everybody believes in past lives. I wasn't sure myself for a long time. If they do exist, they would sure explain a lot. Feel free to leave any comments about my experiences or your own.