Processing Fears Of Inner Child

So many of my incest issues have been healed and no longer influence my day-to-day life that I am always surprised when the inner child and the fears that she carries rise up again. As a survivor, (Maybe everyone does this, I don't know.) I have fears that I face and release quite often. The thoughts come and go. I acknowledge them and let them pass on without reacting to them. Those thoughts are no longer issues or triggers for me.

On long trips, like our Gettysburg, PA trip, my inner child sometimes gets the upper hand and acts out. As an incest survivor who grew up with a controlling, dictator, possibly narcissistic father, I have an irrational fear that is still pretty big sometimes of being out of control of my own life and decisions. This fear comes up on long driving trips where there is speed and lots of lanes of traffic, especially in big cities that I don't know or when it is dark and raining as it did several times on our trip.  For whatever reason, Daniel plays into my fears too. I talked with him yesterday and he didn't realize that I was reacting out of fear. I guess he just thought I was being bitchy and controlling. I don't want to focus on his part in our little drama. That doesn't help me to figure out me and my inner child. Focusing on someone else is just a way to keep from looking at my part in the drama, which accomplishes nothing in stopping the drama from happening again.

This processing may take me some time to get through because of the grief that gets added on to the other feelings that came up during the trip. I have to find a way to assure my inner child that she is safe, that I will always do what is in my power to protect her. She is not defenseless like I was with the incest and emotional abuse from my dad when she was little. I am an adult and can protect myself and her. I did let my husband know that his behavior lead me to feel that my feelings weren't important. I need to trust my husband's driving skills more too. I need to tell him when he scares me instead of holding it in and hoping it will go away. He is not a mind reader.

Grief always comes along after an issue like this because of the losses involved. Sometimes the grief comes for a day, sometimes for several days. Today I don't ignore the grief. I acknowledge it for the heavy, dark feeling that it is. I feel it until it goes away, until the next time. I grieved for much of my childhood with the adult responsibilities and the unchildlike behavior that was expected of me by the adults in my life. I called it sadness then and knew it was my constant companion at least from the age of 7. Today I know that sadness for the grief of a small child who had so many losses in her young life. This grief is another sign that something was seriously wrong in my childhood at an early age. The abuse didn't start when I was 11 years old. Something happened to that small child of three or younger that I simply do not have the memories of. Grieving is healing that is necessary to move on, to grow. Ignoring grief doesn't make it go away. More grief just gets added on top of that grief that you already carry. For the first time in my life, I recognize grief and even welcome it because I know it means I am healing and letting go of another layer of abuse instead of holding the grief inside to eat away at me.

Being at Gettysburg and visiting the actual battlefield after the reenactment was a humbling experience. I am grateful for the experience and for the processing that is going on right now. It is sometimes painful but the experience is also a necessary part of my healing. As I said in the chatroom of the radio program last night, "In payment for the present pain of healing, I have more moments of joy, laughter and peace in my life today." I talked a little about my processing on the radio program Butterfly Dreams-What is Freedom last night. Here is the link if you are interested in listening:

http://www.Blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery/2013/07/09/butterfly-dreams-what-is-freedom

Last night's show was a special two-hour program. I am not on until the last 20 minutes or so. I missed most of the first hour of the show myself because of a new meditation group that my friend and I went to for the first time last night. I miss meditating with a group. Group meditations seem so much more powerful than just doing it by myself. I hope this group works for me even though it means I will come in late for each of the Monday evening Butterfly Dreams radio programs. In case you miss the live shows, each of the Butterfly Dreams shows are archived for later listening. I learn so much from Patricia McKnight's programs that start at 8:00 p.m. CST in the U. S. on Mondays, Wednesdays and with Debra Mize on Thursday evenings. I hope you will check out the programs.
Patricia

Reenactment Of the 150th Anniversary Of The Battle Of Gettysburg, PA Vacation

I hope that all of my American friends had a great 4th of July celebration. My husband and I had a quiet day of relaxing back at home after an eight day round trip to Gettysburg, PA to participate in the reenactment of the 150th Anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg. We left home about 2:00 p.m. on Tuesday afternoon of June 25, 2013 driving to Jackson, TN where we ate supper at the Casey Jones Village Restaurant. I am going to copy the itinerary of our trips that I printed out for the parents of the 3 teens that went on this trip with us.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013: Leaving Jackson, TN for a 10 hour drive to spend the night in Lexington, VA. (Most of our days for this trip started somewhere between 6:30 and 7:30 a.m. to get back on the road driving. All of my husband Daniel's trips include what feels like a driving marathon to see how many hours of driving he can squeeze into one day to get where we are going.)

Thursday, June 27, 2013: Sightseeing at Stonewall Jackson's Home/Museum, VMI (Virginia Military Institute) Museum which features Stonewall Jackson Artifacts including the horse that he rode when he was shot and later died. The horse died and was stuffed 30 years after the war ended. We will visit General Robert E. Lee's Tomb and Stonewall Jackson's Gravesite. Then we will drive 213 miles to Gettysburg, PA to arrive around 6:00 p.m. to check in and set up camp before dark. (We got stuck crawling in traffic in Martinsburg, MD for an hour and a half because an 18-wheeler was turned over and blocking 2 lanes of traffic. We got our tents set up just as it was getting dark. The teenaged boy that was with us went to spend the night out in the woods with Daniel's unit - the 3rd Arkansas Infantry reenactors - for the weekend. The unit slept out in the woods with just a ground cloth and 2 blankets each open to the rains that we did get on Friday and Saturday. We set up a small dog tent - equivalent to a modern day pup tent - for the two teenaged girls next to our larger A-frame tent.)

Friday, June 28, 2013 - Sunday, June 30, 2013: The first battle on Friday is from 8:30 a.m. - 11:30 a.m. The last battle on Sunday starts at 12:30 p.m. Whatever time the Sunday reenactment ends, we will pack up the truck and drive to Frederick, MD to spend the night, about 34 miles from Gettysburg, PA and about 46 miles from Washington, D. C. (Daniel did not participate in this battle. He was still too tired from the trip to get to Gettysburg. We sat thru 2 rains in our tents. The girls tent and covers got flooded out with the second hard rain. We moved them into our tent with us. We were a tight fit for sleeping with them in the middle. Daniel and I cheated and had twin sized air mattresses which we kept hidden from the public. We put down their ground cloth and smaller hiking air mattresses between ours for sleeping. We shared our cover since theirs got wet with the rain. Later after the rains, we went to the sutlers to try to find a dress for one of the teenaged girls who was with us. The first battle that Daniel participated in was the battle for Culp's Hill, East Cemetery Ridge from 6:00-9:00 p.m. Friday evening. As spectators, we were too far away to see much of the battle. We could see gun and canon smoke from 5 different battle areas that were all going on at the same time.)

(On Saturday, June 29, 2013, a Cavalry Battle took place 10:00-11:00 a.m. We could not leave our camp because the road was closed to traffic so that the Cavalry could leave their camp and go to the battlefield. We could hear the gun shots from our camp. We also missed the only ladies activity - a fashion show and ladies tea - because the roads were closed. Our Confederate camps were about two miles down muddy roads from all of the activities and the sutlers [merchants]. The Union camps had a bus to transport its soldiers and their ladies to all of the activities. The Confederate camps had a hay wagon pulled by a tractor for transport of soldiers and ladies. Sitting on hay in a wagon is not comfortable in a dress with a hoop. The 3 times I rode the wagon, I kept sliding off the hay. The hay also got wet with the rains and the roads got worse with each rain.  From 2:00-6:00 p.m., the battles of Devil's Den, Little Round Top, the Wheat Field and the Peach Orchard were fought. The girls and I followed Daniel and the 3rd Arkansas out to the battle, hoping to get close enough to see the battle. We couldn't. We had to stop at the beginning of the battlefield. We saw very little of the battle. We were directed to go into the Saloon that was set up on the outer edge of the battlefield. Daniel's unit were not included in the whole battle so we left the battlefield when they did. We went to the sutlers where we ate supper and shopped. We found a dress for the second of the teenaged girls that was with us to use as a ball gown for the dance. The Civil War Ball started around 8:00 p.m. Shortly after the dance started so did the rain. The dance was in a badly overcrowded tent so I didn't attempt to dance. I recorded some of the dances that Daniel and the girls participated in. The teenaged boy stayed out with the 3rd Arkansas Infantry unit and fought another battle in the dark. The youngest of the girls got a headache so we left the dance an hour early and caught the last ride of the night in the hay wagon. It didn't make any more trips to the camps because the rain had made the roads so bad. My feet were so sore from all of the walking we did and Daniel was limping from all of the walking he did. I could not have walked back to our camp if we had waited for the end of the dance.)

(Sunday, June 30, 2013: Because Daniel was already limping just around camp, he did not try to go to the last battle. Instead we waited until all of the soldiers were out of camp and then we brought the truck in and loaded up all of our gear and waited for the battle to be over to meet the young boy who came with us. We left the reenactment site around 3:00 p.m. and drove to the town of Gettysburg to do a tour of the real battlefields. We left Gettysburg, which is called a borough rather than a town, around dark. We drove to Frederick, MD and spent the night.)

Monday, July 1, 2013: We will drive to Washington, D. C. with the Lincoln Memorial being our first stop. Other things we hope to see are the Washington Monument, Jefferson Memorial, Vietnam War Memorial Wall, Korean War Memorial, Arlington National Cemetery in Arlington, VA. At Arlington National Cemetery, we will see the Changing of the Guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldiers. We also hope to drive by the White House since they no longer give tours. After these activities, we will drive to Fredericksburg, VA to spend the night. Fredericksburg, VA is about 46 miles from Washington, D. C.  (Rain started just as we got to Washington, D. C. Parking was hard to find within walking distance of anything we wanted to see. Daniel dropped me and the 3 kids off near the Lincoln Memorial and went to park and walk back. The rain came down harder. We were soaked by the time we made it up the stairs of the Lincoln Memorial. We looked around and took some pictures while waiting on Daniel to join us. Then we took some more pictures. The rain let up to an occasional sprinkle for the rest of the time as we walked around the reflecting pool between Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument. The Washington Monument was damaged two years ago in an earthquake so it was surrounded by scaffolding and fences to keep us out. I had forgotten about the earthquake and had no idea the damage was so much. Got some pictures of the top of the monument hidden by rain clouds. We walked to the Vietnam Veterans Wall, the Korean Memorial display with the 19 soldiers, the World War II Memorial display which was new to Daniel and I since our last visit. We drove by the Jefferson Memorial and the White House without being able to find a parking place. We forgot the the 4th of July was coming up and people were already beginning to come into Washington, D. C. early. I am glad we were not there for the 4th. I don't care for the crowds that the 4th would have attracted. The last time that Daniel and I were in Washington, D. C. was with our own two children when they were 13 and 14 years old. Back then you could drive down Pennsylvania Avenue and clearly see the White House from the road. This time, because of the fears of 9-11, the White House was totally blocked off from traffic. We could catch glimpses as we drove by but everything was blocked off by concrete and guard houses to everything but pedestrian traffic and we could not find a place to park.  We left Washington, D. C. and drove to Fredericksburg, VA for the night. We drove thru more rain.)

Tuesday, July 2, 2013: In Fredericksburg, VA, we will see the place where the Battle of Fredericksburg - The Stone Wall and Marye's Heights. We will also see the statue of the Angel of Marye's Heights. We will travel 15 miles to where the Battle of Chancellorsville - the place where Stonewall Jackson was shot - is marked. We will drive about 472 miles to Harriman, TN which is just west of Knoxville, TN to send the night. (For those of you who believe in past lives and reincarnation - I believe that I was a Union soldier who fought and died at the Battle of Marye's Heights as pictured in the movie Gods and Generals. I retrieved this memory while watching the movie with Daniel. I had to leave the movie at half time because I was so overcome with sadness that I was sobbing. Daniel stayed and watched the rest of the movie while I walked home about a mile or so away. I was shot in the leg and laid there that day and slowly bled to death. That is all of the information that I have gotten about that lifetime and I believe it to be true. Many of my lifetimes I was a soldier. I will write another blog post about the ah-ha moment that I had in the Fredericksburg gift shop on that Tuesday, July 2. We left Fredericksburg and drove a few miles away to Chancellorsville where the kids and Daniel walked down to the spot where Stonewall Jackson was supposed to have been shot from his horse. We drove most of the way to Richmond, VA so that Daniel could show the kids the battlefield at Cold Harbor. It was raining again so we drove the route through the battlefield so that he could show them the trenches that the Confederate soldiers dug with their bayonets, silverware, their plates, hands and anything else that they could dig with to get below the fire from the Union soldiers. This day ended with us riding a total of about 12 hours through the worst rains of our whole trip to get to Harriman, TN to spend the night. The rain slowed down just long enough for us to unload our suitcases into the motel for the night. I forgot something in the truck and went back out by myself. As I was just a few steps away from the door of the room, I went completely still as I saw lightning flash right in front of me, instantly followed by the loud clap of thunder. I quickly went inside. Daniel said I looked strange. I didn't have time to be scared. The lightning struck so fast. We went to bed soon after to the sound of more thunder.)

Wednesday, July 3, 2013: Will arrive home after driving about 542 miles. Not sure exactly what time we will be home. Hopefully around 8:00 p.m. The kids will call if we are later than that. We won't have electricity to charge cell phones Thursday night thru Sunday. I don't know how long the phones will stay charged so if you call or text and no one answers that is why. (All of the writing that is included in parentheses, as these words are, were the things we actually did or my thoughts about our activities. Those not in parentheses were what we hoped to do and were in the pages of our schedule of events that I printed out for the parents and also a copy for me before we left so that they would have an idea of what we hoped to do each day. I also gave a copy to each of the kids to keep and possibly put in a scape book when they got home.)


We actually arrived home around 6:00 p.m. on Wednesday evening to have to unload a smelly truck full of wet blankets, sheets and uniforms that had been wet since Friday or Saturday evening. The kids got excited about coming home as soon as we crossed the Mississippi River at Memphis and drove back into Arkansas. They loved the trip and they were homesick. The girls have been doing smaller reenactments with us, closer to home for about a year and a half. This was the first trip that the young boy had made with us. He and Daniel had done the Battle of Helena, Arkansas a few months ago and the Battle of Port Jefferson with his mom and step-dad back in May. This was our first long distance trip with the girls. We did go to the Battle of Shiloh in Tennessee last April, I think it was, but we made that trip in one day of driving to get there. We drove two and a half days to get to Gettysburg with a little sightseeing at Lexington, VA and we took an extra day of driving back so that we could take the kids to Washington, D. C. It was just too close to not stop by there. Daniel has become a great historian with the history he has learned from being a reenactor and also in the research for his book, Standing on the Edge of Time. He loves giving history lessons and then verbally tests the kids on the stuff he tells them. Doing the reenacting makes history a little more real for the kids and for us. We had a great trip with lots of laughter and teasing and rain. We are worn out from all the time in the truck. We all learned from the experience. I have forgotten how young girls think they have to have a different pair of shoes for each outfit so I didn't tell them to take no more than two pair each. We managed to lose the bag of shoes somewhere along our journey. I have a phone call in to the motel we think might have them. They haven't called me back yet. Life is full of adventures if you are open to them and this was a grand one that I don't think any of us will ever forget. Have a glorious weekend.
Patricia

Standing on the Edge of Time by Daniel Singleton

Where did February go? Several times I thought about sitting down and writing another article here for you to read, but then I would get busy with something else and the day would be gone. The whole month was like that.

A lot of my time lately has been taken up in helping my husband get his book self-published. We decided to go through AuthorHouse. I checked out three different self-publishers online and decided on AuthorHouse. It wasn't the cheapest place to publish but it seems to suit my husband Daniel's needs just a little better than the other two. They have also been kind with my limited computer skills. Daniel has less skills that I do with the computer so that work fell in my lap. Also all of the phone conversations have been mine because Daniel's hearing loss that he has had since childhood has gotten much worse over the past 5 years. He now has problems hearing some people over the phone so I have become his spokesperson. Because of a misunderstanding on my part with the first salesperson that I spoke with, Daniel's book is under my name for all correspondence from AuthorHouse. He is just listed as the author. It would have cost us more time and money to change it all to his name.

The title of Daniel's book is Standing on the Edge of Time: Civil War 1862, Crisis in the West. I got all of the necessary information and pictures sent in last week, with a picture of Daniel for the About the Author page being the last thing to send in. This coming week, all of the pages will go to the Design Team. According to our new Check-in Coordinator, the book will go to the printer in about 60 days. The waiting is so discouraging for Daniel.

To borrow from the front of Daniel's book, here is what his historical novel is about:

"The Story of Private Robert G. Jarman and the 4th Arkansas Infantry,
                Confederate States of America
In the Battles of Elkhorn Tavern, Arkansas; Famrington, Mississippi;  Richmond, Kentucky; and           Murfreesboro, Tennessee
Also the Siege of Corinth, Mississippi, and the 1862 Kirby Smith Kentucky Raid

Includes 253 eye-witness accounts, 437 letters and reports written between the commanders, 545 newspaper articles, a list of 125 damaged or burned cities & the 85 bloodiest battles

A Historical Novel by Daniel Singleton"

Daniel has worked on his novel for 9 years researching and reporting what the Civil War might have been like for his ancestor Robert G. Jarman, just one of Daniel's six direct ancestors who fought in the Civil War.  I have watched Daniel spend time and money, get excited about some of his finds and get discouraged several times because of the lengthy process of writing. I am proud of him and his accomplishment. I always knew he was a wonderful storyteller. Now he is truly a writer.

With my part in getting this book out there done, I will now have time to write my own book about healing from incest. You will see some of the same information in my book that you read in my blog articles that I have written over the past five years. Some of it, I am sure, you have never seen because it hasn't been presented to me yet.  Just this past week, some issues have presented themselves to me but that is stuff for another blog post. For now, I wanted to introduce you to my wonderful, supportive, kind, and stubborn husband and his book. I will let you know where Daniel's book is on the market in case any of you are fellow historians. Til then have a glorious week everyone.

Patricia