Learning To Love Yourself Enough And Health Issues

The following quote comes from Lessons Learned in Life, a website that I just subscribed to because I love the quotes that they share.

http://lessonslearnedinlife.com/stand-up-for-yourself-3/ 

"Learn to love yourself enough so that when someone enters your life that treats you negatively, you can stand up for yourself and have the strength to let them go. You can learn that it is okay to say no to anyone who is not willing to treat you with the love and respect you not only want, but also deserve. Have the courage to walk away from anything that does not serve you well. Search for your highest good."
                                                             ---Unknown

Here are my thoughts after reading this quote.

This is such an important lesson to learn. So many struggle with this one. You deserve to be around people who treat you with love, kindness and respect. That will only happen if you treat yourself with love, kindness and respect first. I do believe that we teach others how to treat us by the way that we treat ourselves and by what we allow others to do. When you love yourself and treat yourself with love and respect so will others treat you that same way.

Another quote that I love comes from Brene Brown and The Gifts of Imperfection and says, 

"I will talk to myself the same way I talk to the people I love."

Loving yourself means taking care of yourself and putting your needs before the needs of others rather than at the bottom of the list. This is a lesson I am still working on learning. Sometimes in your search for the approval of others, you take on too much and at some point your body says no to what your mind won't say no to. Sometimes you stretch yourself too far and stress finally causes your body to collapse with a headache or heart attack or pneumonia or cancer or some other disease or illness that tells you to stop, that you are taking on too much.

Some of you know that I have been dealing with headaches on an almost daily basis since last October or longer. Over the past several months, I have been to several eye doctors to see if my blurry vision could be the cause, had a small precancerous growth discovered and removed from my left eye and this week was told that my vision is very good for a diabetic. I have an issue with dry eyes that may be causing the blurry vision but not the headaches. 

I have been to my regular doctor and had an x-ray done of my sinuses to see if that could be causing the headaches and nothing showed up on those tests. Next, I had an MRI and an MRI Contrast done with everything appearing normal. 

So I am now working on reducing my stress levels which is what my regular doctor thinks is the cause of the headaches. I am working with a meditation CD that is specifically for releasing headaches and stress. I am taking short breaks away from the computer during the day and taking off nights and weekends except when I am doing my writing here. I am playing music and singing more often. Those both help me to feel great when I do them. 

The doctor wanted me to take Lexapro, an antidepressant, for about a month to see if that would help with the stress. I looked it up and talked to the pharmacist about it and decided not to take it, for now. I don't like the dangerous, possible side effects. Except for the headaches, I like my health where it is right now. I don't want to be a guinea pig for the drug companies, not with all of my drug allergies that I already have from the past. 

I went to the health food store and asked for a recommendation. I am taking L-Theanine for mental calmness and relaxation three times per day to see how that works. I also have a friend who is a Wellness Counselor that I will see soon and will ask for his recommendation. Herbs and homeopathy do not have the harmful side effects of so many of our modern drugs. 

I want my headaches gone and I want to keep the otherwise good health that I have. I will keep you updated with any progress that I make over the next month. If you pray, I would certainly appreciate being included in your prayers. Thank you, in advance.
Patricia

Time Does Not Heal All The Wounds Of Incest

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.'
I do not agree.
The wounds remain. In time, the mind,
protecting its sanity,
covers them with scar tissue
and the pain lessens.
But it is never gone."
    - Rose Kennedy -

I borrowed this quote, with permission, from http://facebook.com/groups/rapesurvivorsunite . The page is called Rape Survivors Unite.

I don't get angry when I hear someone say, "time heals all wounds." but in my mind I add the words, "unless you are a child abuse or incest victim/survivor." I don't get angry at these people because I know they are well-intensioned and probably feel helpless in the face of the horrors of child abuse and incest. Just imagine how those of us who have lived through child abuse or incest must feel. We don't need platitudes from well-meaning people. We need authentic love and support and we need to be believed when we tell our stories.

I have never questioned whether my memories are true, but some survivors do. I have too many memories of being told I was going somewhere with my dad in his truck. I lived with the knowledge and stress of knowing that before we came home my dad would find some quiet dirt road or an empty pasture to pull into to rape me before returning home to pretend that nothing had happened and to pretend that everything was normal.

For a long time, I didn't call the sexual abuse by its name of rape. I always thought of rape as being physically violent. Someone then told me that rape happened anytime you are threatened or coerced into having sex that you didn't want and that you didn't give permission for. Incest with a child by an adult counts as rape because a child can't give his or her permission to be sexually violated. My emotional scars are much deeper than any physical scars might be. Physical scars affect your body and eventually fade and disappear. Emotional scars are much harder to heal and may never completely go away. As Rose Kennedy says the pain lessens but the scars are still there.

I would love to believe that "time heals all wounds." Incest and rape affect your mind, emotions, and your body on so many levels. Some levels heal quickly. Others don't. At almost 61 years old, I am still waiting to see if time heals all. I have been doing this healing work since 1989. If I lived to be 1000 years old, I might could say "time heals all wounds." So far time has not healed all of my wounds.

When I was 38 years old in 1989, I finally had the courage to open the door to incest and to look it in the face. I didn't know, that at almost 61, I would still be working to clean out that room of issues. The cleaning out is still taking place but isn't as intense or of long duration now but it is still going on. Because of my own healing journey, I know that your life can get better. Mine is so much better now than it has ever been. The support and love of my husband is the greatest blessing that has enabled me to work on my own healing. I love you, Daniel.
Patricia

Healing From Incest Takes Time

Healing from childhood sexual abuse takes time and much effort on your part and you are worth both. The most important step is learning to love yourself. Most incest victims hate and blame themselves for their abuse. Know that the blame and shame belong to your abusers, not to the child you were then or to the adult you are now. Love both your inner child and the adult that you have become. You are both survivors. Many children don't survive. If you survived, you can heal.

Learn to trust yourself and a few close friends with your story of incest. Telling is more than okay. Your healing depends upon telling someone else the many secrets that you were forced to keep by your abusers. Don't tell just anyone. Tell someone that you trust. You may not trust anyone because of your abuse. In your childhood, you couldn't trust those who were closest to you, if like with me, they were your abusers. Trust is a very big issue and one that you need to do very carefully. Sadly, the world is full of people that you shouldn't trust with your story and your vulnerability. As an adult, there are abusers who will instintively pick up that you are vulnerable and will take advantage if you give them the chance. Believe your heart and your gut when you get signals to run away from these people. This is one reason why learning to trust yourself and your intuition are so important. Really listen to your body. I know how hard that is if you disconnected from your body as a child in order to survive the pain of incest. I also know from my own experience that you can learn to reconnect. Be patient and kind with yourself as you learn to do this. You are blessed to live in a time when many resources are available for your use.

Trust a few close friends with your story or, if it is easier, trust a roomful of strangers, like I did, in 12-Step programs. Those people weren't strangers for long. They totally accepted me and my story of incest.  Today I thank God that my dad was an alcoholic. I was able to find out how I was affected by the family disease of alcoholism and had taken on the characteristics of both of my parents but I also found a safe place to talk about the incest. I talked and talked and talked until I started to feel and the hurt started to leave. Talk as much as you can until the abuse is talked out of your body and mind. Some people will think you are stuck in the memories and will possibly wish you would just shut up. Don't shut up and don't trust those people.  Most people don't realize that you were silenced for so long that you can't let the hurt and anger go with just a few words and wishes. You have to work at and talk your way through the healing process. Writing helps too if you are a writer like me. You are worth whatever it takes to heal. Find a counselor or therapist that will listen and help you work through your pain. Don't settle for just any therapist. Not all are trained to help incest survivors. A therapist that doesn't know what they are doing can do more harm rather than helping you. Sometimes you just don't click with that person. Find a therapist that you can trust and feel safe sharing your story with.

Find others who can love you until you can love yourself. Surround yourself with people who will support you through the long journey to healing. Some won't stay for very long. Those who do will be your true friends. If you trust the wrong person with your story and get hurt by them. Let go of them and move on. Don't stay in an abusive relationship. You do not deserve to be revictimized by anyone. You couldn't do anything about the abuse you suffered as a child. As an adult, you can choose to say no to abuse of any kind and leave if the other person doesn't. Don't trust everyone with yourself or with your story. You deserve to be believed. If others can't treat you with respect and kindness, leave them behind. Move forward into your healing.

As I said before, trust your intuition which will tell you who is trustworthy and who isn't. Start with trusting yourself. Be kind and compassionate with yourself first. Start to listen to your inner voice that has your best interest at heart. Don't listen to any critical inner voices that you got from your parents or abusers. Learn to tune them out. Critical inner voices don't have your best interest at heart. Being critical of yourself is just carrying on the shame that your abusers passed on to you. Don't shame and blame yourself. Being responsible for your own actions is not the same as blaming and shaming. Feeling guilty for making a mistake is not the same as feeling shame because you were taught that you are the mistake. You are not a mistake, now or ever. That is the abuser speaking. Don't listen to that crap any more. You are worthy and lovable. Love yourself and heal. You are worth it.
Patricia

Dialogues With Dignity And 22 Ways To Love Yourself

Yesterday I was on Dialogues With Dignity again with my friends Dan Hays, Ellen Brown and Stash Serafin. I love being a guest on their radio talk program. The title of this program was "Learning To Love Ourselves."
Here is the link for the dicussion:

http://dialogueswithdignity.podbean.com/2012/01/18/learning-to-love-ourselves/


I hope you will listen to the program and leave comments on Dialogues With Dignity and then come back here and leave a comment. Let us know if you liked the discussion. Thank you to Dan, Ellen and Stash for having me back for this discussion.

When I was getting ready for the show, I printed out a few of my past articles on learning to love yourself as a healing tool. Then I sat down and made a list of 22 ways to love yourself. Here is that list:

1. Reconnect with and pay attention to your body and what it tells you.
2. Forgive yourself for being that child who got abused. Know that you didn't cause the abuse and you couldn't have prevented it from happening. You were a child.
3. Feel whatever feelings come. Don't stuff or deny their existence. That is how addictions start.
4. Learn how to take care of your needs and wants. You do have them. You deserve to be nurtured.
5. Learn to trust yourself and your intuition.
6. Do things that make you feel good emotionally and physically.  Do something that is fun that your inner children will enjoy doing.
7. Use affirmations to build your feelings of self-worth.
8. Know that your value comes from within you, not from others.
9. Know that you deserve to be loved by yourself and by others.
10. Let go of your abuser's love - it isn't love and you don't need it when you love yourself.
11. Work on taking back and building up your personal power. (My next post due on Jan. 22 is about personal power.)
12. Move. Exercise. Diet if you need to so that you can improve your health.
13. Make a dentist appointment or doctor's appointment if you need it and keep it. Don't let your fears and shame keep you from taking care of your body.
14. Find a doctor that you trust.
15. Hug a special teddy bear to nurture your inner child. Sleep with it if it comforts your inner child and makes her/him feel safer at night. As silly as it may sound for an adult to sleep with a teddy bear, it helped my inner children to start to trust the adult me.
16. Use meditation to calm and ground yourself. Become aware of your breath and your connection to your body. Many incest survivors are totally disconnected from their body and the hurt that it experienced when they were  children.
17. Take small steps in healing. Pretend that you love yourself and watch others who show that they love you until you can start to love yourself.
18. Surround yourself with people who love you and support you in your efforts to heal and to become functional. Let go of those people who don't support your healing.
19. Recognize that change is scarey and it is a choice. Face your fears and change any way.
20. Be willing to be vulnerable and open your heart to those you love.
21. Love yourself today by accepting you right where you are today. With acceptance comes awareness. Accepting yourself is the first step to loving yourself. See your inner children as a product of your childhood and love them any way.
22. Loving yourself means not allowing you to hurt yourself. It also means not allowing others to hurt you. Say no to abuse in any form.

It is my belief that loving yourself is the foundation of all healing. You deserve to heal and to feel good about yourself.

Don't forget to check out our talk at Dialogues With Dignity. I wrote this list before doing the show and you will hear me mention most of this in my part of the conversation. Again, thanks to Dan Hays, Ellen Brown and Stash Serafin for having me on Dialogues With Dignity.
Patricia 

Guest Post At S.A.S.S.U Sexual Assault Survivors Standing

Several weeks ago, Jacquese whose blog is S.A.S.S.U Assault Survivors Standing asked me to do a guest blog article for her.  We only met recently on Twitter.  I liked quite a few of the comments that Jacquese left on Twitter and so I commented back.  I read her blog and left a comment or two.  Here is what Jacquese says about her blog.

"S.A.S.S.U is devoted to providing healing, empowerment, education and resources to males and females who are survivors of Sexual Assault/Abuse and  molestation or family members and friends who support survivors.  You DO NOT have to be a survivor to support this movement."

I like what this says about Jacquese and her blog.  Like me, she is dedicated to helping survivors.  From what I have seen of Jacquese, she is a wise and caring woman, so when she asked me to write a guest blog article I said yes.

The title of the article is a collaberation between Jacquese and me.  I hope you will join me in going to Jacquese's blog S.A.S.S.U Sexual Assault Survivors Standing to read my blog article which we decided to call

Incest:  Protect Your Children which you will find at the following link:

http://sassuempowerment.blogspot.com/2011/06/incestprotect-your-children.html

Jacquese, thank you for this opportunity for me to reach a new audience of survivors.  I appreciate the work that you are doing to help other survivors and their families and friends. 

Readers, please leave a comment on S.A.S.S.U for Jacquese and me but also come back here and let me know what you think about the article as well. Have a glorious weekend.
Patricia

Today Is Father's Day

A part of me really doesn't want to write this post.  I thought I would write it last night but that didn't happen. To postpone writing this, I spent time on emails and reading blog posts that others have written on Father's Day.  Last night I was on Facebook and became involved in a conversation that turned out to be over 60+ comments long about fathers and incest.

What I am feeling right now - fear, confusion, anger, sadness, grief - all started just before Mother's Day.  I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions since then - up and down and scattered all over the place and when things got too intense eating uncontrollably at night.  I have no problems with overeating in the daytime.  It always starts after 6:00 p.m.  I just got the thought "That was when Daddy got home from work.  That was when the fear and tension walked into the house.  Would it be tonight? Would he find some trip back to town was needed to pick up something that he forgot?"  I always had to go with him and that meant sex in the truck on some isolated road or field before we would go back home. I would feel sick to my stomach before and afterwards.

My son just called to wish his dad Happy Father's Day.

My mother never questioned why my dad couldn't go by himself or why I was always the one who had to go with him.  I was the oldest but men usually do father son things.  My brother was only a year and a half younger than me.  By the age of 9 or 10, he should have been doing things with his dad. We were grown and I was away from home before that happened.  I can only imagine how my brother felt, aways being ignored.

My stomach is tied in knots and I am feeling nauseous right now.

I recently decided to do some inner child work again to see if I had any open wounds left that needed to be healed.  I bought a book which has mysteriously disappeared this morning.  I have searched the house twice for it.  The book is a workbook by Cathryn L. Taylor.  I think the title is The Inner Child Workbook, if not it is something similar to that.  I have been reading just a few pages each night.  I haven't gotten to any of the exercises yet.  I guess the fact that I have "lost" the book tells me that one or more of my inner children are afraid to do the exercises.

My feelings and thoughts are really scattered this morning.  Part of me wants to hide from the world until today is over.  Another part of me is mad as Hell that I am feeling all of this again.  Another part wants to go eat and never stop.  A part of me wants to throw up.  Another part is getting a headache.  These are not separate identities like with DID or multiple personalities.  These are all my wounded, scared inner children.  All of us who were wounded by incest or any form of child abuse has these inner children.  They are the parts of us that stop developing at certain times in our lives when the abuse was happening. 

Doing inner child work means going back through each developmental stage of life to find out what needs to be learned to finish each developmental stage of childhood.  What inner child needs to be nurtured and taught to trust the adult me?  Which ones need to be loved and hugged and played with?  Which ones need to know that they can't control the adult me with temper tantrums or other childlike behaviours when we are in crisis mode.  The adult me needs to be the one in control during a crisis in order to keep all of us safe.  I need to learn to love them and trust them as much as they do the adult me.

I am going to try an experiment right now, totally unplanned previously.  The adult me is going to step out of the way and let one or more of my inner children tell you their thoughts about our father and Father's Day.  Here goes.


Tears.  Anger.  Rage.  Sadness.  Crying inside with tears coming to the surface. 

Tears because daddy didn't love us or he wouldn't have hurt us.  Anger because we are supposed to honor daddies on Father's Day.  (Having difficulty letting go of the control and letting the words flow.  Husband just came in and interrupted thoughts.)

Rage because anger is too tame a word to use for what I am feeling.  Overall sadness which has been with me, it seems like forever.  (Husband goes back to work in an hour.  Will come back and finish this when I am alone and it is quiet again.)

In that hour I found THE INNER CHILD WORKBOOK:  What to do with your past when it just won't go away written by Cathryn L. Taylor.  I asked my Higher Self where the book was after searching the house twice trying to find it.  I immediately picked up some papers next to my computer and the book was under them.

I don't know if I even want to go back to the exercise that I started above or not.  I bet you are thinking "Just get on with it."

Dear Daddy, you were never the daddy that I needed you to be.  One of my earliest memories of you is of you making my little brother who was less than 2 years old smoke a cigar until he was so sick that he was thowing up.  You said it was so that he wouldn't smoke when he got older. You laughed and thought it was funny.  Even at 3 or so, I didn't laugh or think it was funny.  You were mean to him and scarey to me.  I thought you would make me smoke a cigar too but you didn't.  I didn't like you for making my little brother sick. Daddies aren't supposed to do things like that.

During that same time period I remember my brother sleeping on an army cot in the same room where I slept at the foot of the bed with you and momma at the top of the bed.  What was that all about? Was I in the bed when you and momma had sex?  Did you fondle me during the night after momma was asleep?  Is that part of the mystery that I don't remember?  That I have forgotten on purpose in an effort to protect 3 year old me from dealing with something that was just too big for a 2-3 year old to survive in her mind.  Why did my 2-3 year old mind shut out any memories of sexual abuse?  What was too painful for that child me to be able to remember and deal with?  This is where the sadness, grief, fear and anger is coming from.

I hurt but I don't know why.  Inside the child of less than three hurts and cries and wonders why no one loves her or protects her from you or whoever else hurt her.  The memories are locked away.  They do exist in some area of my body or mind.  They are why the three-year-old called herself an adultress. This is hard to write and I know that I am still keeping some distance between me and all of this.  Some part of me is not willing right now to get any closer to the feelings or the memories that those inner children still carry to this day.  The body is still holding on, also afraid to feel the pain of those childhood days.  Instead the body gets an upset stomach, indigestion, ulcers, coughing attacks, headaches because it doesn't know how to let go.  It is more afraid of being empty without the stuffed feelings.  It is so easy to just disconnect from it all rather than feel the emotions.  I am surprised that it still hurts so much.  That is all that I can write today.  The adult me is too afraid of what the inner children might reveal.  The adult me doesn't feel very strong just now. 
Sorry,
Patricia

NY Times Article - James C. McKinley, Jr. Writes "Vicious Assault Shakes Texas Town"

This article is written about the newspaper article "Vicious Assault Shakes Texas Town" which was written by James C. McKinley, Jr. in the New York Times on March 8, 2011.  This article was first brought to my attention in an article by Roxane Gay written at The Rumpus.net and her article "The Careless Language of Sexual Violence." 

In the article "Vicious Assault . . ."the author, James C. McKinley, Jr. only calls this violent act against an 11-year-old girl, still a child, a rape twice.  Mr. McKinley, Jr. instead of calling this act of violence "rape" uses the words: 
"the assault"
"a lurid cellphone video"
"the attack"
"forced to have sex"
"sexually assaulted"
"sexual acts"
These words seem to soften the description of the violent act of rape of a child.  I don't know if he consciously chose to slant the perception of his readers or not.  I pray that he didn't.

"Vicious Assault Shakes Texas Town" should be more focused on the rape of an 11-year-old little girl.  She isn't even a teenager yet.  She is just a child. (I don't intend to mean that raping a teenager is any better.  Read on.)  People in the neighborhood that the rape happened in said that the little girl was dressed like a 20-year-old - as if that makes the rape her fault.  Why do people want to shift the blame to the person who was raped rather than to the person who was the rapist? 

18 men and boys raped an 11-year-old little girl.  These rapists were middle school age boys up to a 27-year-old man.  I do not understand the gang rape mentality that has someone thinking that raping by a group is okay.   Why does the author mention the age of the little girl but only says the boys were middle school age and beyond?  What age were those boys?  Were they the same age as the little girl or older?   Again the slant is toward softening the readers view of the rapists.  The reader isn't told how old the boys are specifically like they are the age of the girl child.

Mr. McKinley, Jr. says in his article that someone wondered "how could their young men have been drawn into such an act?"  Again the article is written to shift the blame to someone other than their "young men."  Who would they rather blame?  An 11-year-old child who was ordered to remove her clothes or be beaten?  What choice did she have in that situation?  Can you imagine how frightened that little girl was?  Can you see her in that room surrounded and alone with a group of boys and men intent upon only one thing - raping a defenseless little girl?  Sadly, I can imagine it.

As the 18 boys and men were raping the little girl, some of them used their cell phones to record the rapes and passed those videos around to their friends who had cellphones.  One of these videos was the reason they got caught.  A classmate of the little girl showed the video to a teacher who reported it to the principal who called the police. 

One of the residents of the town of Cleveland, Texas (the Texas town that was shaken by this vicious assault) said " 'It's devastating, and it's really tearing our community apart.' "  What about the little girl who was physically torn apart by the continual rapes done to her by 18 boys and men?  What about the innocent little girl who was taken away from herself by the rapes?  The rapes killed some part of the soul of that little girl - a part of herself that she will never get back? 

In another article on this subject, I read that the little girl was taken from her family and placed in foster care - for her protection.  What does that say to the little girl?  The whole rape thing was devastating to this little girl. She will never forget what happened to her that day.  If she is like most rape victims, she will blame herself, especially if she reads this New York Times post.  Why didn't the author of this article, yes you Mr. James C. McKinley, Jr., find someone who would speak up for this little girl and her pain?  For the town to be split, there had to be someone who took the little girl's side and blamed the rapists rather than the little girl.  Where are their comments?

According to the article, the rapists are no longer in school.  Neither is the little girl who would probably be in about 5th grade.  She was moved to another school district where she knows no one.  In addition to be taken away from her parents, she lost any friends she may have had that could have supported her.  Can you imagine how frightening it is to move to a school where you know no one?  Do the authorities think that the story of the rapes won't follow her to the new school?  When it does, this child is totally alone with no one to support her.  She probably blames herself for being taken from her parents and for being moved to a new school.  This hurting child has no friends and no family to support her because she was placed in foster care - another instance of punishing the victim in order to protect her. 

When is society and the legal system going to stop re-victimizing victims like this 11-year-old child for their own rapes?  This victim is a lonely, frightened little girl.  Imagine if this was your child, your daughter.

This child did not lure anyone into raping her.  She is only 11 years old.  Even if she has breasts already and dresses like an older girl, she is still only 11 years old and a child.  No matter how much make up she may be wearing, she is at that in-between stage of being more child than woman.  She is experimenting with who she is - trying to find her way in the confusing world of pre-adolescense, no longer child but not yet woman.  She craves attention and probably feels all grown up when she gets the attention of a boy older than her.  This is normal for a pre-adolescent girl child.  It doesn't make her a slut.  It doesn't mean she is "asking for it" to get into a car with a man who shows her some friendly attention.  As a child, she doesn't see his sexual motives for asking her to get into the car with him.

The child didn't rape anyone so why does society want to blame her.  The one who is raped is the victim, not the rapist.  I don't care what age the rapist is, they are the abusers, not the victim.  The person being raped is the one who gets the life sentence of fear, hurt, sadness, and loss of innocense.  This child is the one sentenced to problems with her body because of all of the physical damage done by being gang raped by men who are much larger than her in size.  This 11-year-old little girl is the one who will have emotional scars for the rest of her life in the form of flashbacks, depression and maybe even PTSD from the torture of being raped over and over again. 

Where is the concern for this child expressed in this New York Times article?  How could the newspaper or the author of the article be content with releasing this story to the public when it is so obviously slanted toward the rapists and how they will be affected by the rape of an 11-year-old child?  Who is standing up for the child?

I can understand some of what this child felt because I was raped at the age of 11 by an uncle on a weekend fishing trip.  Yes, I got into the car with him and went on the fishing trip because my mother told me to.  I didn't want to go on the trip.  I already knew something wasn't right but nobody asked me if I wanted to go.  I was told to mind anyone in authority and that meant all adults.  I didn't know about sex.  I soon learned all of the things that this poor 11-year-old child is dealing with now because of the rapes.  I know how painful that first time was with just one man raping me.  I can't imagine the horror and the terror of being raped by 18 men.  Someone please take the side of the child.  She is the victim.
Patricia

Roxane Gay On The Rumpus.net Writes "The Careless Language of Sexual Violence"

I was on Twitter last night and tweeted an article from The Rumpus.net named "The Careless Language of Sexual Violence".  Click on the name of the article to go read the article.  Come back here when finished reading. 

Warning:  A rant is coming.  The article may also trigger abuse survivors to anger or rage.  The post is worthy of reading and will educate all of us about how our society views rape and its victims today.

"The Careless Language of Sexual Violence" was written by writer Roxane Gay in response to a New York Times article written by James McKinley, Jr. entitled "Vicious Assault Shakes Texas Town".

I only read the first part of "The Careless Language of Sexual Violence" before I went to the end of the article and left the following comment:

"I could not read all of your post.  I am so angry that anybody would dare to blame an 11-year-old girl for her own rape.  I don't care what she was wearing or not wearing, she is a child.  Who cares what is going to happen to those boys who raped her.  They probably won't get what they deserve with our court system being what it is.  They should get a life sentence because that is what the 11-year-old just got - a lifetime sentence of feeling betrayed, not trusting, blaming herself, having to deal with what other people think, a lifetime of being afraid, of feeling ashamed because of what was done to her.  How have we failed to teach respect for women in our society?"

A few hours after leaving the above comment, I went back to The Rumpus.net and finished reading the article along with all of the comments by Ms Gay's other readers.  I am glad that I did.  Ms Gay expresses how society has become desensitized to rape and how its victims are affected.  I have been saying for many years that all of the violence that children and adults watch on TV and in movies helps to build up a tolerance for violence.  I personally believe desensitization toward violence is one reason that bullying is so out of control now.  I believe this same process has made society not as sympathetic toward rape victims as they should be.

I thank you Ms Gay for writing this article.   I applause all of the commenters at the end of the article who defend the 11- year-old girl.  An 11-old-girl is a child by anyone's standards.  Please remember that.  A child is never responsible for their own rape.  Neither is a 20-year-old or an 80-year-old woman or man.  Yes, rape does sometimes happen to boys and men.  Rape is not about the victim.  Rape is about the rapest and his/her need to control and humiliate another person.  Rape is not about sex.  Violence and control are why rapes happen.

My next post will be about the original article by the New York Times - "Vicious Assault Shakes Texas Town."
Patricia 

My Thanksgiving Will Be Spent With Pneumonia As A Companion

Hi everyone.  I haven't posted a recent article because I have been sick the past 11 days.  I went to the doctor Wed., Nov. 10 because I had a temperature, a weight on my chest that made taking more than half a breath impossible, fluid behind both ear drums, sinus drainage, a low temperature, and a cough.  I woke up with all of this going on Sun., Nov. 7.

The doctor said I either had the flu or was having a heart attack.  We did blood tests, a chest xray and two heart tests.  All the tests were normal.  I got an antibiotic because I still had a slight kidney infection going on from my last doctor's visit several weeks ago.  I got a second antibiotic, a cortizone shot and a cough medicine plus an over the counter antihistimine to take.

I started to feel better except for the breathing and coughing.  I haven't had a temperature in almost 3 days.  My appetite which was almost non-existent is almost back to normal.  I lost 12 pounds from not eating.  I don't suggest anyone try to lose weight that way.  My energy levels have risen.

The coughing got a lot worse last night so I went back to the doctor today.  We did another blood test to check white blood cell levels.  They were normal.  We did another chest xray and this one showed that I have pneumonia in the lower part of my right lung.  I had a breathing treatment which made it easier to breath and made the coughing worse for a little while.  I did feel better for awhile and could even take an almost normal breath.  Tomorrow a saleman will deliver a breathing treatment machine and teach me how to give myself a breathing treatment three times a day for the next two weeks.  I also have another antibiotic plus got a steroid shot at the doctor's office today.

I had to cancel our family gathering for Thanksgiving because it was supposed to be at our house this year.  The doctor wants me doing a lot of resting the next two weeks.  She told me the pneumonia would have already been a lot worse if I hadn't been on the antibiotic for my minor kidney infection of the past several weeks.

I want to wish all of my American friends a glorious Thanksgiving.  Until I get to feeling better, I won't be spending much time on the computer.
Patricia

EFT And Tapping On Memories From Childhood

Reclaiming Our Days, Meditation for incest survivors, Helena See, A Fireside/Parkside Meditation Book, Simon & Schuster, New York, New York, 1993, page for April 1:

" 'There are many ways of crying.'
'Yes.'  My tears were hidden behind my grinning mask face.
'Yes, there are.' "
    - VERA RANDAL

"We have all spent a lifetime hiding our tears, our fears, our rage, and our pain.  We cover up our feelings from everyone around us and from ourselves.  It feels safe this way.  Safer to hide and be alone with the feelings deep inside.  So many years of fear and abuse taught us it was safer to die alone inside than risk showing ourselves to anyone else.

To heal we must start taking that risk.  It hurts, its terrifying, it requires concentration and effort to show our emotions rather than hide them.  It is a new way of life.  We can start off slowly, making absolutely sure that the person we choose to share our insides with will gently hold them in his or her heart.  Even with a safe person it won't feel safe or easy.  It is a risk, a risk we must take.

We will be surprised to find that a trusted friend is honored to see our pain, to be the recipient of our gift of honesty and openness.  We will find that a new world opens up for both of us, a world of being real, a world of intimacy.  We will find that this is a freer world, a world full of hope.  And we will find that we belong in it.

When I share my inner self I show my friends how much I value them."


In working with my Grief class and my EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) counselor in the past few weeks, I have come to realize that I still am not aware of everything that I feel.  I am not aware of the anger in me except when the volcano in me is erupting and lava is flowing over me and whoever lit the fuse that started the explosion.  Most of the time that person with the match is my husband.  Why?  Because he is a safe person for me to get angry at.  I doubt very much that he appreciates the fact that he is a safe person in my world.  He is the one that gets to see all the many facets of my emotions.

I had my second EFT session on Thursday of this week.  We talked about me having a love/hate relationship with attention from other people.  What came to mind was a memory from the twelfth grade.


My dad controlled all of the money in our family.  He didn't let any of us, including my mother, work.  I never got to work after school or on weekends like so many kids do.  I never learned to handle money as a kid because the only way that I got money if I wanted to buy something was to skip eating lunch at school.  I bought birthday cards for my parents and brother and sister this way.  If I wanted to eat in town, off of the school campus, I would get to eat one day and go without the rest of the week.  This was the 1960's and school lunches were 25 cents a day. 

I didn't wear makeup like the other girls in school because my parents wouldn't buy it for me.  This was another way for my dad to keep me from growing up.  In the twelfth grade, I saved my lunch money for several weeks to buy some eye makeup.  One morning when I got to school, I went into the girl's bathroom and put on my eye makeup.  Nobody said anything about it all day long until I got to my Senior English class.  After the class, my teacher called my name and told me that I looked pretty with my eye makeup on.  I was so pleased with myself and her complement.  I told her thank you and left.  As soon as I got home that day, I washed the makeup off before either of my parents could see me.  I never wore makeup to high school again.

You might ask why when my teacher thought it was so pretty on me?  I loved the attention from the teacher.  I was terrified by the teacher's attention.  One minute I was happy about the attention from my teacher and the next minute I was terrified.  Why?  Because in my life, most of the attention that I got was sexual.  Except for this one day, I did my best to fade into the woodwork.  The only thing that I excelled in was school work.  I made mostly A's and B's with a few C's.  I loved school because it and books were how I escaped my world of abuse.

We discussed this memory and tapped on it on Thursday during my EFT session.  My counselor asked where I felt the terror from that day.  I told him my throat felt like it was closing up with the terror.  We tapped on that fear and releasing it.  Usually it takes more than one round of tapping to remove the memories from my body.  I start out each session feeling the fear in a body part, usually my solar plexus for anger or fear.  This time the fear was in my throat.  We tapped on "All attention is sexual attention."  Then we tapped on "All attention doesn't have to be sexual." 

Next we talked about the volcano of anger and rage that comes up and out all over my husband and me.  We tapped on the volcano inside of me and changed it from being destructive to being constructive.  We tapped on "The volcano inside of me is just energy."  "The energy of the volcano can be turned into a passion for life, for living."  When we finished, I didn't feel dark and heavy any more.  I feel joyful.  I told my counselor that I like the way that I feel after a session.  I left the session smiling and full of joy.

I don't know how much writing I will get done on my blog for the next three weeks.  My daughter, son-in-law and four grandchildren are right now driving through Kansas on their way here.  They left Idaho when my son-in-law got off work yesterday afternoon and drove all night.  They will be here in Hot Springs, Arkansas sometime early tomorrow morning (Sunday).  Our son-in-law is flying back home on Monday.  He couldn't get off for more than a few days.  Our daughter and grandchildren will be here visiting for three weeks.  My husband and I are excited to have them visiting.  We only get to see them usually once a year.  Usually we go out to Idaho.  This time they are visiting us so all of the family will get to see them.  Everyone is excited.
Patricia

Using Cranio-Sacral Chiropractic Adjustments And Emotional Freedom Techiques To Release Body Memories of Incest

Back in April I ran across a blog called Empowering Wellness which is written by Fred Krazeise who is "a Nationally Certified Massage Therapist and Intrinsic Coach" who "combines wellness coaching and therapeutic body work to provide a source of healing for women suffering from physical or emotional pain or stress."  The words in quotation marks comes from Fred's "About Me" page on his blog.
http://empoweringwellnessnow.com/about-me/

The article that Fred wrote that caught my attention was called "Emotional Healing Tissue Memory and Bodywork - What Happens and Why It is a Good Thing."
http://empoweringwellnessnow.com/emotional-healing-tissue-memory-and-bodywork-%E2%80%93-what-happens-and-why-it-is-a-good-thing/

What I got from Fred's article is that abuse survivors have memories stored in the tissues of their bodies.  I have heard this idea before but have not met anyone who does this type of massage as Fred does.  Fred is like many of my healer friends and has incorporated several different healing methods into his own brand of healing.  I have done the same with Reiki and several other healing modalities that I have been exposed to over the years.  Thank you Fred for what you do.  You are a treasure and a blessing to those who know you and to those women that you work with.

I have a dear friend who is a massage therapist so I asked if she knew anybody in our area that did this type of massage.  She didn't.  What she did recommend was that I go to our chiropractor who does Cranio-Sacral adjustments and ask if what he does would work at releasing body memories.  Well, I did that last week.  He also suggested that I use the services of an associate in his office who does EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) for releasing energy that no longer serves the client.  I have experience with EFT.  I have their manual and have used EFT on myself and a friend in the past.  I have even taken two classes over the past few years on different ways to use EFT for healing.  Rather than me trying to explain how EFT works, you can find a lot of information about EFT at the website of its retired founder Gary Craig.
http://www.eftuniverse.com/

I had my first session with my chiropractor last Monday.  I figure it may take awhile before I see any results of the Cranio-Sacral adjustments.  On Monday, I had a regular adjustment to get everything back into alignment, especially my neck.  The chiropractor agreed that my headaches and nausea that I have been experiencing a lot of over the past month could be because my neck was so out of line.

I had my first session with EFT on Thursday of last week.  EFT works on the assumption that "The cause of all negative emotions is a disruption in the body's energy system." (From "The Timeless Principles of EFT" from the above EFT website)

I really didn't know where to start with the EFT.  I told my therapist/counselor (Not sure what to call him.  I will have to ask next time that I see him.) that I have been working on incest issues for over 20 years and have healed quite a lot over the years.  I told him that I am wanting to find out if I have any body memories that need to be released.

I mentioned that every time that I do work on my issues that I have to acknowledge that a part of me resists doing the work.  A part of me is very resistant to change of any kind.  We did some tapping on releasing this resistance.  I believe that a lot of my headaches come from this resistance.  Those headaches may be an area for us to work on next time.

We then moved to him asking me where I felt anger.  I told him that I feel anger/rage in my solar plexus.  He asked what it looked like and I told him a big black ball of rage that I carry in my solar plexus.  Then we did some tapping on the different energy meridians in the body as I repeated whatever affirmations he told me to say.  You will need to go to the above EFT link and do some reading about how to do EFT if you want to understand how it works.  I know I am not doing a good job of explaining it but I don't remember a lot of what we said.  I know that the next step was to look to see what the remaining anger looked like and it was cleared out of my solar plexus.  It was gone.  I remember at some point being asked to let the anger/rage flow out of my body however it wanted and in whatever direction it wanted to flow.  I remember it flowed down my legs and out of my feet into the earth.  Then we replaced the anger/rage with healing light.  I remember that the light was yellow.  When I run healing light through my body, I have learned to be okay with whatever color it chooses to be.  Sometimes it is white.  Sometimes it is yellow.  Sometimes it is the pink light of love.

Next we went to the sadness that is in my heart.  I told him that sadness has been almost a life-time companion.  We did the tapping and the affirmations.  The sadness was resistant to completely leave.  Only about one-fourth of it left the first time.  We did some more tapping and affirmations and then one of the affirmations that he had me say was something along the lines of "I live my life fully."  When he said that I started to cry and my voice got shaky.  I told him that it has been many, many years since I have fully lived my life.  We did more tapping and affirmations along those lines until the tears and the shaky voice stopped.

What I know from reading about EFT in the past is that when you hit a major issue, the emotions, usually with tears will begin.  When we finished the tapping with this statement of affirmation, the tears were gone and so was the sadness and heaviness in my heart.  I felt joyful and lighter.


When we had the energy flowing from the solar plexus I was aware that it flowed downward into my legs and feet and into the earth.  When we started the energy flowing from my heart to be released, it came out of my heart straight in front of my body and then flowed upward like going toward the sky, toward the heavens.  When we ran healing light to fill the empty space left from releasing the black energy of sadness, the healing light flowed and filled my whole body.  I felt the joy of healing light flowing through me.  This is where we chose to end the session until two weeks from now.

I will be alternating the Cranio-Sacral adjustments one week and the next week will be the EFT sessions for awhile.  I scheduled them on Thursdays because Thursdays are when I also have my Grief Class.  That way I have the class that night to talk about anything that comes up that I may need extra time to talk about afterwords.

I know that I haven't been writing as many posts over the past month or so as I usually do.  I have had several of my readers who are also friends come back and leave messages and hugs as they check up on me.  I thank you all for that.  You are greatly appreciated.

Since I started the Inner Child Letters Series of posts and before that the post about the abuse by my uncle, I have been slower at processes some of the stuff that has come up for me.  I am taking care of myself by not pushing too hard and by just going with the flow.  I thank you all for your love and patience.  I am in a better place now than I was when I first started the Series.

One of my Inner Child Letters Series posts did not get mailed out by Blogger.com or if it did, it didn't get sent to me like all of the others do.  I don't know how many of you got that post so I am going to put the link to that post here.  It is a really important post in the series ending the letters to the three-year-old inner child.  The name of the post is, "Three Year Old Adultress Carries The Shame Of Incest - Inner Child Letter Series." This is the post that talks about the healing of the shame of incest for me.  The link for that post is as follows:
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/06/three-year-old-adultress-carries-shame.html

Thank you Fred for giving me the information to start this part of my journey.  I honor you for the amazing work that you do with women.  I wish you were here in my part of the world.  I will do my best to take advantage of what God has put here for me to use.

I have asked two of my friends if they could see any differences in my aura since my EFT session last Thursday.  Both said yes.  One said my aura was not so dark as it was before.  The other said that there is blue above my crown chakra.  Blue is one of the healing colors.  She said the blue hasn't been there in a long time.  I see both of those as proof of the progress that I have already made with these two procedures.
Patricia
 

Inner Child Letters Series - Processing

I am still processing the first letter in this series of posts.  The grieving has lifted some.  The headaches have gotten less frequent but the nausea of this past week is still hanging on.  Last night I was talking with a friend about the headaches and the nausea and what their significance might mean to me.  I know the headaches are from the stress and my own inner resistance to doing this work.  I know that I had headaches as early as seven years old.  I know that my first year in 12-Step meetings, I left every single meeting with a headache when I didn't have one at the beginning of the meeting.  Some part of me was resisting what I was hearing in those meetings.

This afternoon I have been thinking about the nausea and remembering.  I remembered that every time there was a sexual encounter when I was a child that I would immediately get an upset stomach.  I remember many times telling my dad or my mom that I felt like I was going to throw up and them ignoring me.  What I learned was that how I felt physically and emotionally didn't matter to either of them.  I remember for the first ten years of my marriage that every time my husband and I made love I would then, afterwords, experience nausea and I would ignore it as my parents had taught me to do as a child.  As an adult, I continued to discount my feelings, physically and emotionally for many years.  I didn't know any other way to be.  It took several years of going to 12-Step meetings before I began to feel anything.

What I realized today is that the nausea that I have been ignoring this week may very well be a body memory since I am now opening up to the inner children who felt this as a way of trying to stop the sexual abuse.  The nausea may not be related to the sexual abuse at all but with these thoughts coming up, I have to wonder.  I know that all of this is pure speculation on my part.  I know to some people this may sound totally crazy.  I do know that there is a connection between feelings, abuse and physical symptoms of the body.

Louise L. Hay in her book Heal Your Body, The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Metaphysical Way to Overcome Them on page 52 says "Nausea      Fear. Rejecting an idea or experience.       I am safe. I trust the process of life to bring only good to me." 

Those words could be very true in my past situation with the incest and my current situation of going back and visiting my inner children and the abuse that they suffered and continue to carry for me.  A part of me is still rejecting the idea that incest occurred in my childhood and is still affecting me today.  The part of me that still doesn't want to deal with this could be causing the nausea as a way of making me not face the truths that I am facing with writing this Inner Child Letters Series.  It could be that because I am going back and revisiting this past trauma that the nausea is coming out as a body memory of what I felt back then.  This could be the body's way of finally releasing its feelings of unease from back there.  In many ways this whole thing is a new territory for me so I am feeling my way around.  Does any of this make sense to you, my readers or am I totally losing it here and trying to make up something to explain away the feelings again?  It would be nice if when I finally finish processing all of this that the headaches and nausea would completely go away.

This isn't the post that I thought I was sitting down to write.  Oh well, what is is.  This is my post for today.  Before closing, I want to share these websites and blogs that really helped me to stay positive while dealing with this stuff  in the past few weeks.

Kendra Kett blogs wonderful little tidbits of wisdom at  http://www.pinwheelgirls.com .

Ellen Brown has a blog called Stepping Stones that offers help for going through many of life's transitions at   http://ellen-brown.com/blog/2009/10/02/attitude-of-gratitude-helps-when-dealing-with-job-loss-or-other-life-transitions/

Thanks to Kendra and Ellen for the posts that you have written that haved eased some of my pain of last week.  There are others and I will post them in my next articles.  I have company coming over so have to get off the computer for now.
Love to you all,
Patricia

Truly Beautiful Women Know Their Self Worth

I received the following email today entitled "To a Beautiful Woman."  It continues, "Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her 'beauty tips.'

For attractive lips,

speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes,

seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,

share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,

let a child run his/her fingers

through it once a day.

For poise,

walk with the knowledge

that you never walk alone.

People,

even more than things,

have to be restored,

renewed, revived,

reclaimed, and redeemed;

never throw out anyone.

Remember,

if you ever need a helping hand,

you will find one at the 

end of each of your arms.

As you grow older,

you will discover that you have two hands;

one for helping yourself,

and the other for helping others....."

Audrey Hepburn was a true woman of beauty.  To have written this poem, she was also a woman who knew her own worth.  

I talk to survivors of abuse online every day.  Many of them are like I used to be and don't know that they have value to themselves and to others.  Self-worth doesn't come from what you do.  Self-worth comes from who you are.  Self-worth comes from loving yourself.  

I learned to love myself by taking small steps at a time. 

I learned to meet my physical needs by making doctor's appointments when I needed them.

I made dentist appointments and kept them.  

I learned to do things that I enjoyed like learning how to make quilts, taking a drawing class that I always wanted to take,  went to see movies to laugh or to cry, danced just for the joy of moving.

I learned to open my heart to those that I love.

I watched others love me until I could love myself.

I let God into my life.

I asked God to show me how to love myself.

I pretended that I love myself until the love was real.

I watched others who were loving and kind and copied them.

I read books about self-worth.

I learned what codependency was.

I stopped trying to control everything and everybody in my world.

I spent time with my children.

I spent time with my husband who loves me.

I stopped being the family hero.

I stopped trying to be perfect.

I read books on spirituality.

I did things that made me feel good about who I am.

I stopped those critical inner voices of my parents that told me I was bad and other things.

I just don't listen to them any more.

I used positive affirmations that built me up inside and made me feel good.

I spent time with people who made me feel good about who I am.

These are just a few of the things that I used to learn to love myself.  I know they don't look like much of a list but over time the way I felt about myself changed and I really did love myself.  I know that if I can learn to love myself, so can you.  I am not any different than you are.  Just take baby steps toward loving yourself.  You can do it.  Don't set yourself up with expectations.  Just do what you can each day and one day you will realize that the self love is real.  You are worth the effort.

Patricia

Love And Incest---My Mother

The Ultimate Betrayal, The Enabling Mother, Incest and Sexual Abuse, by Audrey Ricker, PhD, See Sharp Press, Tucson, Arizona, 2006, page 167:

"This book is about your mother's role in your sexual trauma. But it's also about all of the feelings relating to your abuse, impulses resulting from it, and reactions to it that you weren't expecting."


This area of healing is probably where I have done the least amount of work. Why, because of my fear of seeing my mother for what she was---the parent who did nothing to prevent the incest from happening. As a woman and mother myself, somehow my mother's role in the abuse is worse than the actual physical abuse from my dad.

My mother played the passive role of the parent who enabled the abuser mostly by sending me places with my dad. My mother didn't openly abuse me like my dad did. She just didn't object when he took me places instead of taking my brother with him. She ignored signs that said something was wrong. She ignored my occasional pleas to stay home. I didn't often have enough courage to object. I usually just did what I was told by both of my parents.

As a child, I needed to be able to tell myself that at least one of my parents loved me. Since my dad was the one hurting me with the sexual abuse, my only choice was to believe that my mom loved me no matter what.

As a child, I told myself over and over again, "I know she loves me. She just doesn't know how to show me." You see. My mother was always emotionally unavailable. At some point in my childhood, I quit calling her "Mother" and starting calling her "Mom." She wasn't my mother as much as I wanted her to be. I was hers. I was the one who nurtured her by being sure not to upset her because she had an unspoken rule that said, "Do Not Disturb."

That "Do Not Disturb" rule is one of the reasons that I didn't tell her about the incest when I was a child and young adult. The second reason was my fear of being judged and condemned by her. She would have said I was bad. If she knew about the incest, she couldn't love me. I needed her to love me too much to chance telling her about the abuse. So I kept silent. I didn't disturb the silence of her inner world. She didn't hear my inner screams or feel my inner hurt and rage. She didn't see my outer sadness. She didn't hear my outer sighs which were the only sign of my inner turmoil.

My mother was emotionally unavailable. She was silently angry. She was always lost in her cigarettes, coffee and romance novels. She was passive-aggressive with her anger. She knew how to use silence to let you know that she was angry. If you asked if she was angry, she would deny it. You could see the anger and judgment in her eyes and how she tightly held her body.

I learned to read body language early on to tell if I needed to stay out of the way of either of my parents. This was just one of the lessons that my parents taught me about Life.

The Ultimate Betrayal, The Enabling Mother, Incest and Sexual Abuse is the only book that I have read that goes into detail on the part of the enabling mother and the roles that she played. What I learned from reading this book is that my mother could have been much, much worse that she was. I caught small glimpes of my mother in some of the examples shared in the book but I didn't really find her there as I was afraid that I would. My mother just wasn't there in my life. She was an empty body with no emotional attachments.
Patricia

Inspiration, Denial And Incest

This post is the result of a comment that I received on my last post "What Childhood Incest Taught Me". You will find the words from the comment here in italics when I quote it.

Warning this comment and post may be triggering.

I came through here looking for something inspirational to read and this is what I've found. I am feeling overwhelmingly sad for whoever this is. That life is one noone would choose to bare or even wish on the worst of people.

For inspirational, you picked the wrong post. And for "whoever this is", that is me. These were the lessons that I learned. I know from other comments and friends that these were also lessons that they learned from their own childhoods of abuse.

For anyone who has read my blog for very long, you know that some of my blog posts are inspirational. Some of my blog posts are about the very real facts, feelings, memories and stages of living with and dealing with the effects of incest. There is nothing inspirational about those posts. Yes, I know that some of them are difficult to read. They are also difficult for me to write even though I am in a better place in my life today. Sometimes I still feel the pain, sadness, anger and hurt of that abuse. Those blog posts I write are for other abuse survivors to let them know what my own experiences have been and to let them know that they are not alone. I have been there. I know it for the hell that it can be, especially when you feel so alone and so sad that you wonder if life is even worth living. I have always managed to take the next step. Sometimes it is two steps forward and one step back. That is the road to recovery. There is nothing easy about it.


For your experiences, all of you, I am truly heartbroken.

Thank you for your compassion and empathy. They are appreciated.


But there is something you each must realize. You each have suffered, in your own time, some of you maybe once or twice, others for years. But those times are not here, those years are not these years.

Part of my comment reply to this comment fits here: My question to you is, "Have you experienced any major trauma or abuse in your life?" It doesn't sound like it. If you haven't, you have no idea what it is like or how difficult it is to get over it.


You have to realize that sometimes life hands us so much... and all the while the world is so cruel. We start to feel like that is all that is ever to be dealt us. But it just isn't. You must each move on. I know you may think that this is impossible. But I know that as you read this those encounters are distant, very real, experiences. Key word being distant.

You have probably never had flashbacks or nightmares or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Soldiers aren't the only ones who get PTSD. Survivors of child abuse and survivors of sexual abuse do too. When those symptoms happen, you are not in control of your feelings or actions. You can be thrown back into "those years". Nobody wants that to happen but it does, sometimes on a daily basis. It takes years of therapy to recover from these. "Key word being distant." There is nothing distant about those years when you are in the middle of a flashback or nightmare. You can tell me they aren't real but when you are in the middle of it, they are very real. Have you ever had a flashback? If not, you don't know what you are talking about.


You are each holding so closely to something that with every single thought of it your heart breaks inside. Why are you choosing to hold on?

Why would anyone choose to hold on to the kind of emotional pain that most people can't even imagine, if they had a choice? Just choosing to be happy sounds like a really good reality but it is very often the road to denial. I did that road for a lot of years. That road that says, "I don't feel anything about the incest. I don't hate my abusers. I don't hate myself. I don't feel anything so I can't be affected by the incest. It doesn't affect my life, my decisions, my children, me. Life is fine. Life is great." The road to denial is a road of lies. I was disconnected from my feelings, from myself. I did hate myself. I did hate my abusers. I was so full of rage, sadness and hurt that I couldn't feel anything else. If you deny any feelings, you deny them all. I had a volcano of fire inside of me that caused headaches, stomach aches and other physical symptoms that shows what I was holding in rather than dealing with. I was taught all of this denial as a child. The denial didn't stop until I got sick and realized that denial didn't work. That is the real world of an incest survivor.

Just letting go of all of the pain isn't really an option until you have worked through all of your issues. Then the letting go is possible. Is it an instant possibility, just in the case of a miracle. I do believe in miracles. I also know that denial is alive and well until I choose to let go of it and face the reality of incest.


You have to realize that you are something amazing on the inside. That the real true parts of us are ones that NO ONE can touch but you.

I can agree with the above statement. On the spiritual level, my Higher Self is untouchable by what happens to my body. The truth is that each of us is a Light to the world. Sometimes that Light does get hidden by the struggles of Life. This isn't something that a child who is being abused or an adult who is still suffering from the abuse is even aware of. On a spiritual level, I can even say that "Yes, I chose this lifetime to learn the lessons that incest teaches me. My parents chose to help teach me those lessons." It has taken me years to reach the level of acceptance that this requires. Most abuse survivors aren't there yet. Do I condemn them as stupid or not whole or anything else derogatory because they aren't at this level of understanding yet? No, not at all. There are still some days that I question the validity of those beliefs and they are my own. Do I expect everyone else to accept and live by those "spiritual" beliefs? Again, no, not at all. Is it ok if you disagree with me? Yes, absolutely. Do I want to hear how you disagree with me? Only if it is offered in a respectful manner.


What happened to you, happened to your body. And you each, understandably, allowed it to alter more than just your body. You let your spirits still feel the pain.

I don't know about you but, yes, I live in a physical world which affects my mental and emotional world. I believe that my spiritual world encompasses all of the others and uses those others to teach its lessons. I eventually see the blessings that come from going through the pain but not until I have worked through the pain.

Again you used the word "let" as if the victim of abuse knows that they have choices. Victims don't know that they have choices. Choices didn't exist for me for many, many years because I believed the lies of the abuser who told me he was in control and that I had to do what he told me to do. I had no choices until I got into a recovery program and learned what choices meant. That is when I learned that I was responsible for my own life and my own choices. That is a very big lesson for survivors. Not everyone learns that lesson.


Just imagine yourself as a light inside a dark cave. No matter how dark it is on the outside, no matter how it may storm, it doesn't change that there is light on the inside. You are safe because you are that light.

As an incest survivor, I didn't learn that the world was a safe place. Yes, I have always been aware of that inner Light. That inner Light is probably the only thing that kept me from splitting into different personalities as some childhood abuse survivors do. My Spirit has always been and will always be safe. My physical world has never felt safe.


You are you at the happiest moments in your life, not the you that always returns home to your pain.

You live in a world of duality---Light and Dark, Love and Fear, Good and Evil, Day and Night, Sad and Happy, Calm and Chaos. You can't have one without the other. Without Sad how would you know what Happy is? Without Evil how would you know what Good is? Without Fear how would you know what Safe is or Love is? Hate isn't the opposite of Love, Fear is. Lack of Love equals Fear. You can't know what the "happiest moments in your life" are unless you know what the worst moments of your life are.


Let it go now. Move on. Decide you have this one life, and no matter what the world will ever throw at you will never matter.

I have discovered that those people who tell me to "Let it go now. Move on." are usually one of two types. They either have never experienced what I have and therefore know nothing about the process that it takes to heal. Or, they have their own abuse issues that they want to stay in denial of. If you see me going through my issues and haven't dealt with your own, then my struggle threatens your denial. That is why you tell me to let it go and to move on so that you don't have to become aware of your own unresolved issues.

I feel sad for those who are still in denial of their own issues. I have little sympathy for those who don't know what they are talking about because they have never experienced what I have. If you haven't been there, you have no idea of what it takes to live my life and to struggle to get better. Don't tell me to get over it. If you have been where I am and were able to let go of your issues by healing them, then tell me how you did it. Share your experiences and what worked. Don't share your denial of your issues. I don't need that. I did that, on my own, years ago and I know that denial just helps you continue to live in the pain. Denial heals nothing. When you are in denial, you aren't happy. You aren't free. The only way to freedom is through the pain, not around it.


You are stronger now than anyone will ever know. You can take this world on and actually live free from your past.

Yes, I am stronger than even I knew that I would ever be. I am more courageous than I ever thought I could be. I am more compassionate that I ever thought possible. I am proud to be the woman that I am today. I am the best parent that I know how to be to my inner child.

I don't live completely free from my past. I don't believe that that is totally possible. I don't know that I would want it to be. My past has formed who I am today. Without that past I would not be stronger, more courageous, compassionate, proud of who I am today. Without my past, I would not be aware of the blessings of my life today. Yes, today, I can take on whatever the world throws at me. This is true because of my past.


Some of you maybe have already found a church. But some of you may feel like there are far too many questions. But all I can say is...you can walk make the decision to just say goodbye to all that stuff you can't bring back or change. And never have to think about it again. The person that hurt you had their free will, and they chose to storm boldly away from what was right, and you suffered. That makes it the fault of no one but them, not you and definitely not God. Choose to forget and start living your life in the light. Remember these bodies die, but we will never die. Where are you headed, and lets make it great! "Love your neighbor as yourself" said someone very special. It's great advice. Good Luck.

The comment about finding a church can be a future post all of its own. I "found a church", but many others, not just survivors, choose differently. I am happy with my church. That is my choice.

I don't blame God for what happened to me. I never have. I know that some survivors do. I did turn my back on God for a few years because I thought He did nothing to stop the abuse. A part of me always felt His presence in my life. That presence is what gave me the strength to survive when many others didn't.

I know that some don't believe in a God who could allow such abuses to happen to a child. Others look to God for grace and love. I believe in free will and that you are each responsible for your own actions. I know that some of the abused go on to abuse the next generation. Most of you don't. Many choose to stop the abuse rather than pass it on to future generations.

Some of you choose to share your own experiences, as I do, by blogging about them online. Others choose to write in private journals. Some of you still continue in the silence because you haven't found your voice yet. It is for other incest and childhood abuse survivors that I write of my experiences. Any time that someone survives abuse in any form and can write about that journey, that is inspirational. It isn't light, funny inspiration. It is sad, thoughtful, sometimes tearful. It is always heartfelt. Sometimes it comes from a deep well of hurt. It is always healing to be able to bring these thoughts and feelings to the surface and share them with others. It can be educational to share with others who have never experienced abuse in their own lives. Without awareness, you can stop nothing.

If you come here looking for happy and joyful and light, sometimes you will find it here. Other times you won't. I won't apologize for my words. This is my life. I share it to give strength and hope to other survivors. I also share it to spread awareness of the evil disease of abuse that lives in this world. I look forward to hearing what you think about this post and any other post that you want to comment on. I reserve the right to agree or disagree with your comments.
Patricia

What Are You Feeling?

From Reclaiming Our Days, Meditations for incest survivors, by Helena See, A Fireside Parkside Meditation Book,1993, page for December 1:

" 'Feel the feelings.' 'Release the pain.' What do these mean? How do we do that exactly? We're lucky if we can even identify the feelings we're having, since we're so used to stuffing and ignoring them.

We keep the tears and anguish so bottled up inside that suddenly we can't hold them in any longer. We cry uncontrollably, or rage spontaneously, or tremble in fear, or wake up sweating in the middle of the night, or get hysterical giggles over nothing. These are the body's way of releasing pent-up feelings. We can help stay in balance by letting these out regularly rather than waiting until we explode.

We don't need to be afraid of releasing these feelings. We have so often confused the releasing of the feeling with the feeling itself. But there's a huge difference. The feeling is something we carry with us, that gnaws at our gut. It's always there, sometimes in our awareness. Many times we are only aware of it when it has built up to the exploding point.

Releasing these feelings helps us heal. It's built into our human system as part of the hardware; it's how we work. Release doesn't cause the pain; holding it in causes the pain. Releasing is healing.

I will welcome the healing of my tears, rages, trembles, and laughs."


Learning to recognise what I am feeling has been some of the hardest work that I have done. It isn't finished yet. I still sometimes don't recognise my feelings for what they are. Sometimes I still can't tell you what I am feeling especially in times of stress. Sometimes when I get a headache then I know I am resisting what I am feeling. The headache is my body's way of getting my attention.

Do you always know what you are feeling? Do you know when you are resisting feeling? How do you handle stress? Do you recognise stress in your body? Where do you feel stress?
Patricia

Shutting Down To Get Through The Holidays

Thanksgiving and Christmas can bring up many emotions for an incest survivor. Dealing with family members that you may not see other than those two holidays can bring up any unresolved issues and memories of past abuse, especially if the abusers are still alive and at the family activities that most people participate in during these two holidays. Some of us, to be peacemakers during the holidays, pretend that the abuse never happened. You don't want to upset anyone else with your emotional garbage when Thanksgiving and Christmas are supposed to be such happy times. You don't want to be seen as a Scooge because you can't pretend to be happy. You try to let go of your anger, once again, to appear normal. Sometimes you just want to be happy so bad that you pretend that you are for a little while. Holidays are when you miss the most the family that you never had as a child so you pretend.

You don't want everyone else to think you are crazy because you can't stand to be in the same room with the person who raped you. Afterall, all of that was years ago when you were a helpless kid. What most people don't understand is that the second you step into the room with your abuser, especially if it was your parent, you become that helpless kid again. The fear comes back full blown along with the rage that you carry with you as an adult. Both emotions can cause a volatile situation that you don't know how to deal with. You become so scared that you forget that you are now an adult who can protect her/himself. (Yes, incest does happen to little boys too, just not as often.)

Many times, in order to get through the holidays, you just shut down. It doesn't matter how many times that you tell yourself that you won't shut down this time. You still do it when your emotions become overwhelming. Shutting down is an emotional response that your mind uses to protect you until you are strong enough to deal with the situation and people involved. It probably saved your life when you were a child. It kept the body alive until the mind could cope. Sometimes coping is all that you can do to get through this holiday without really going crazy.

What I have just described was how I got through many holidays as a young adult. I don't shut down today. Today I am strong enough and brave enough to face my demons head on. Writing this blog helps me to do that. In remembering, I don't continue on in those old ways. What I accept, I can change. Today, if I find myself starting to shut down, I have another option. I can choose to leave physically. I can choose to feel what I feel. Fear, rage, sadness can all be part of my emotions during a holiday or any other time of the year. So can happiness, joy, peace, excitement, love. All of those are acceptable to me today. Today I can deal with my holiday memories from the past and talk about them with my support system of family and friends. I thank God for each of my support members.

This wasn't the article that I just sat down to write but it is the article that typed itself onto this page. Hopefully it will help someone else get through the upcoming holiday of Christmas by letting you know that you aren't alone with your struggles with family.
Patricia

As A Survivor, I Had To Learn To Take Care of Myself

Today my blog went over the 200 mark with subscribers for the first time. Thanks to all of you who are reading my blog. I appreciate you and your comments.

As an incest survivor two of the things that I have had to learn to do are feel my emotions and take care of my body so that it doesn't get sick. Sometimes I do good with these two and sometimes I slip back into old habits of numbing feelings and ignoring how my body feels.

This week my emotions have been all over the place. Last night I went to an Al-Anon meeting and told everyone that I was mad, no, that should be "MAD" at the world. If you said hi to me this week, that was reason enough for me to get mad at you. I haven't figured out where all the anger is coming from yet but I know who my target was---my husband. How do I know? Two of my friends who never agree on anything both told me so. Also my exasperated husband finally asked why I was being so mean to him. I didn't say much to his yesterday because I knew the words would come out angry. I went to an Al-Anon meeting instead. At one point in the meeting last night, I told the group that me admitting that I was angry was such progress for me. I was taught as child that good girls don't get angry. That is such a bunch of bull. Getting angry is part of living. So is being sad, being happy, being hurt. I learned not to feel anything. My life was safer that way. That was one of my survival tools that no longer serves me today.

Part of this week, I have been overeating to not feel all of the rage that has been inside of me this week. My awareness of the emotions inside of me came from a dream. I think I have talked about what I call my fear of drowning dreams before. I have had these dreams for most of my adult life, maybe even as a child. In my dream of a few nights ago, I was in a car, possibly a limonsine with at least 3 other people. Someone else was driving. I was at the rear of the car when I saw water over the road in front of us. We didn't stop. Instead the driver drove off the side of the road and straight into the water. I remember being in the back of the car alone and thinking, "I can't swim." I sat and watched the water totally surround the car through the glass of the windows and a sun roof. Next the water is coming from the front of the car inside the car. Just before the water hit me full force, I woke up.

Something that was different in this dream was that I wasn't afraid when I woke up. I was disturbed. What I was was angry. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. from this dream. I didn't sleep well after that. What I remember about the dream is that while I was dreaming it, the dream felt more real than all of my other dreams.

I woke up from a dream the night after in which I remember talking about how real the drowning dream from the night before was, not that it seemed real but that it was real. I am not sure of the significance of that sensation of realness. I haven't experienced it very often.

Water, from a dream class that I took a few years ago, represents emotions. The car represents a part of myself. I wasn't driving it so I feel out of control of some part of my life. Duh. My emotions were out of control this week or at least it felt that way to me. I have gone into the water before but this is one of my first dreams in which I have gone under the water and not instantly waken myself up so some part of me is more comfortable with the emotions. I have worked really hard on feeling my emotions and still sometimes I numb out and stuff them with overeating. Still sometimes it takes me awhile to recognise what I am feeling. Sometimes it takes someone else to point out to me that I am angry (husband and two friends). Sometimes just saying that I am angry is enough to release it. Sometimes I need to talk about it to realize what is going on. As I have said before sometimes dreams can provide a source of healing for me.

This week I have been taking care of my body nutritionally by eating more raw veggies and less cooked veggies. I am also cutting the soy out of my diet because some sources say that soy isn't as good for us as the soy industry wants us to believe. I went to our Farmer's Market for the first time last Saturday. That is an education in itself. I met some interesting people.

I am also resting and not getting out in the heat until I feel better. I am also reading another book. This one is on "The Four Keys to Energizing Your Body, Mind & Spirit" (from the front cover of the book). The book is called Power Healing and is written by Dr. Zhi Gang Sha with a foreword by Dr. John Gray. I am learning ways to shift and harmonize the chi or energy in my body. I used one of the methods to lessen and then do away with a sinus headache that I have had the past few days all from balancing the energy in my body.

I have also been listening to Stephen Halpern's Chakra Suite when I go to bed at night to balance the chakras. All of this is helping me to self-heal rather than self-medicate my body.

One article that I read online a few days ago has some really good tips on paying attention to and taking care of your body. I want to share that site with you. The name of the blog is Rejuvenation Lounge.
http://thehealthylivinglounge.com/2009/06/23/24-ways-to-give-your-body-the-extra-attention-it-deserves/ . Check it out for the valuable information that the article provides.
Patricia

Related Articles:
A Week Of Introspection: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/11/week-of-introspection.html

Fear Is My Friend: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/01/fear-is-my-friend.html

Being Honest With Myself: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/being-honest-with-myself.html

How Dreams Can Help You Heal From Childhood Sexual Abuse: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/04/how-dreams-can-help-you-heal-from.html

Dreams Can Teach Us About Ourselves: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/dreams-can-teach-us-about-ourselves.html

Raw Salad Dressings: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/11/raw-salad-dressings.html

Link Love And Raw Foods: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/01/link-love-and-raw-foods.html

Swine Flu---Buy Into The Fear Or Not

If you have had your TV on or read your newspaper this week, all of the headlines are busy predicting the possible pandemic of swine flu this year. Are you buying into the fear? I'm not. I ask each of you who is reading this to stop the fear and send Light out to the Universe.

I am not saying that you shouldn't be cautious with your health. I am saying don't let fear of getting the flu take over your every waking moment. You don't have to do that. Do what is necessary to take care of your health and that of your families. You should already be doing that. Eat healthier. Take your supplements, if you already do. If you get sick, stay home and take care of yourself. If you need to, like I do, get your body in better shape. Get the sleep that your body needs to operate. Drink more water and less sodas, tea and coffee.

Those of you who are reading this article, I am asking that you spend some time in prayer or meditation, whichever feels better to you, or do both. I am. Surround first yourself with a bubble of white light which strengthens your body and shields you from having your energy sucked out of you. It also helps your attitude which is always a plus for me. Use whatever color of Light that your inner voice suggests.

Next I want you to shine that Light on your neighborhood, your city, your state, and your country. Then I want you to send the Light totally around the world lighting up every being and every plant, every body of water that it comes in contact with. See the whole world surrounded by this bright, bright white Light.

Then ask for the help of your guardian angels and spirit guides to make you more aware of your thoughts, actions, and body. To keep your body healthy, you have to be aware of it. To keep your mind happy, you have to be aware of your thoughts. Be pure in thoughts, words and deeds.

Do whatever you methods you use to keep yourself grounded during this time of upheaval and challenges. I like to use the image of being a tree with branches going up into the Heavens and roots going down into the Earth with energy flowing in from the top of my head and up through the bottoms of my feet. Then whenever you think about it today, next week, next month, next year, send out Love and Light from your heart center into the world. See if we can make the world a better and safer place to be.

What are you doing to keep yourself and your family healthy so that you aren't succeptable to the flu or any other illness?

This week I have been on a raw fruits, raw vegetables, drinking only water in a Spring Cleanse. So far this week, I have lost 4 1/2 pounds. This is the fourth day of my cleanse. (Today is Wednesday. The post won't be posted until Sunday.) For the first time in my life, I have eaten nothing but raw fruits and veggies. I have never eaten so much fruit in my entire life as I have the past few days. This cleanse is to flush toxins out of my body and mostly what I am losing is water weight. I needed to do something because my weight was slowly moving upward and so was my blood pressure. I was back to having indigestion a lot. I already knew that eating more raw fruits and veggies would have the indigestion out the door in no time.

The only thing that I have cheated on is my morning coffee. I haven't been willing to let go of that first cup of coffee in the morning when I wake up. Guess what, while I have been on the clease, I have been making my morning coffee and pouring myself a full cup but when I get halfway through the coffee, I don't want anymore. I am leaving the goat's milk out of it except for the second morning of the cleanse. That cup of coffee tasted greasey to me so I am just having a half-cup of black coffee. I did not sit down and make a committment to stop my coffee. Allowing my taste buds to tell me what I like and don't like is how I became a vegetarian to begin with about 12 years ago. When the coffee no longer tastes good, I will stop. If I continue to like the taste and the way it makes me feel, I will continue to drink coffee.

This week I was given another award. Seems to be my week for recognition from the blogging world. I appreciate it so very much. I definitely feel loved during a time that I have needed it. Thank you God and my blogging friends.

This week's award came from the blog Just Be Real. The award is called the Just Being Real Blog Award. Thanks to Just Be Real. You made my day. You will find a list of other bloggers that also were given the award at the following link http://justbereal77.blogspot.com/2009/04/just-be-real-award.html .

Surviving by Grace also posted the award winners on her blog. She is one of those who has won the award. Thanks for the recognition. You can find her blog article at the following link
http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/2009/04/just-being-real-award.html .

Another new blogger that I have recently met through my comment section of my blog and on other blogs is Jay from the blog Porsidan. You will find Jay's About Me page at the following link where he sharing a little about himself and what the term porsidan means. Then you can go on to read some of his wonderfully written posts. http://porsidan.com/about-2/ I have enjoyed reading his posts this week.

I know you are all having a wonderfully productive and growing week.
Patricia