I don't get my feelings hurt by another person very often because somethings just aren't that important. Today I did and I immediately felt tears come to my eyes and start to fall. As a person who was raised to not feel, I don't always know what to do. Just letting myself cry seems wrong to me somehow so I stop the tears.
It seems this has been a week of introspection. Here are the thoughts that have been going through my mind. Maybe some of you have the answers. I don't.
When the tears started, I was feeling left out and unworthy and little---little as in a disappointed child, a hurt child who was feeling left out and not good enough. Even writing this, the tears want to come. Why does it always come back to the inner child who obviously still hasn't healed? I guess that I just answered part of the question. How long does it take to heal the inner child? Will she ever be completely healed? Will she always be hanging around waiting for someone else to come along and hurt her? I don't know how to change any of that. As much work as I have done on myself, the inner feelings still wait in ambush to spring out of hiding when she is given the next opportunity to express her hurt. It isn't as if the hurt hasn't been expressed over and over again through the years of counseling and talking. Does it ever completely go away or change to joy and laughter? Can you have joy and laughter without the hurt and tears?
Is it as simple as making a decision to stop hurting? Is it as simple as deciding to not feel empty and worthless any more? If I decide to just feel happy am I being true to myself or am I just in denial of what I really feel?
I can feel like I am happier than I have ever been for awhile. Then sadness starts to creep in. Is this the way life is because we live in a world of duality as some religions teach. Can you really be happy all the time? I haven't found that to be true for me.
Can I stop myself from getting my feelings hurt by a simple decision to not feel that way? Am I not being true to myself by not feeling hurt and let down? Feelings are such a mystery to me.