Showing posts with label Compassion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Compassion. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

The Blessings Of Surviving Incest

"Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it."
                                             ---Buddha

I do believe this. I would never wish that another human being experience the abuse of incest that I went through and I know that without my own experiences, I would not be who I am today. I would not have the strength, courage or compassion that I have today. I would not have the ability to offer hope to other survivors. I would not have the wisdom of surviving that I have today. I would not have the stubbornness that refuses to give up even on the hardest of days.


"I Regret 

Nothing in my life
even if my past
was full of hurt,
I still look back & 
smile,
Because
It made me who i am 
today."
                         ---www.omtimes.com  as shared on Facebook

Here is my response to reading the above quote:

I love who I am today. Without the incest, I have no idea who I would be today. I have chosen to take the bad and turn it into sometime good - a me that I can be proud of - full of love and compassion for my fellow human beings. My strength comes from surviving what I experienced as a child. My courage comes from facing my fears and, believe me, they were many more than people looking at me today can see. My compassion for myself and for others comes from my past hurts. I don't want anyone else to hurt like I once did and for those who are hurting today, I can honestly say, "I know what that feels like." 

I expect honesty out of myself and anyone that I trust because as a child there were so many lies from the adults in my life. Once you have earned my trust, I trust you completely. If you betray that trust, I will walk away and not look back. 

Helping other survivors and sharing my story is the best way I know of to bring good out of the abuse.  Being able to help other survivors to heal brings meaning to my life. I have met some of the most amazing people because of becoming an advocate for children and other survivors. 

My world today is rich with friendships and family that I love. Many of those friendships are because of my advocacy work. I love you all. You inspire me to never give up and to keep taking the next step forward in whatever direction it takes me. I know that I am not alone. Neither are you.
Patricia

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Hurricane Sandy and Elections

Where does time go these days? I just cannot keep up with everything that I want to do and visit with everyone that I want to talk to. Is it because I am getting older or is time really speeding up? I am not sure but I don't like it.

These past few weeks will be remembered in the U. S. for a long time. Hurricane Sandy has come and gone and left a lot of damage in the lives of many Americans as well as in Haiti and the other islands that she hit before the U. S. I am continuing to pray for all of those people who have been affected by the destructive path of Hurricane Sandy. Events like this should bring out the compassion and generosity in all people.

I pray that President Obama who won re-election yesterday has the best interest of the American people at heart with any and all decisions that he makes over the next four years. I am so glad that all of the political advertisements are gone for another few years until election time comes around again. I wish that all politicians, not just the presential ones, would take an oath to say nothing but the truth when they open their mouths. I am proud of all the the Americans who took the time to vote yesterday. Voting is a privilege that not all people have the option to do in other countries in the world.

I don't usually express my political views on here but I am so grateful for the defeat of the three politicians who mouthed off stupid things in sharing their beliefs about rape and pregnancy. I have faith in Americans in stepping up and saying no to child abuse and no to rape. I am proud of the women and men who voted against those politicians. None of them were in my state of Arkansas or I would have voted against them.

As an advocate for children and survivors of child sexual abuse, I am so proud of everyone who is breaking the silence of abuse and domestic violence.  I had a conversation on Twitter this morning from someone who thought that most of my tweets and retweets were very negative and dark. He was afraid that they would trigger him to drink. I told him to take care of himself and if he needed to he could Unfollow me without it hurting me. I went on to tell him that I would not stop retweeting the type of posts that I tweet. I told him that negativity and darkness is the reality of children who are being sexually abused. People need to be aware of what those children are dealing with and how much adult survivors struggle with issues of incest and/or domestic violence and rape. Not of those situations are rosey colored and pretty so my tweets and retweets aren't either. I understand about triggers so I am not angry or upset with this young man. He understood my position as well.

It is time for people to take their heads out of the sand and pay attention to what is going on in their homes, communities and the world where children live. I do tweet and retweet a lot of inspirational tweets too because I know that we all need to be encouraged and uplifted, especially if you are a survivor. I do the same thing on my Facebook page. I won't stop talking about child abuse, rape and domestic violence until there are no more victims and every child is safe.
Patricia

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Healing From Incest Takes Time

Healing from childhood sexual abuse takes time and much effort on your part and you are worth both. The most important step is learning to love yourself. Most incest victims hate and blame themselves for their abuse. Know that the blame and shame belong to your abusers, not to the child you were then or to the adult you are now. Love both your inner child and the adult that you have become. You are both survivors. Many children don't survive. If you survived, you can heal.

Learn to trust yourself and a few close friends with your story of incest. Telling is more than okay. Your healing depends upon telling someone else the many secrets that you were forced to keep by your abusers. Don't tell just anyone. Tell someone that you trust. You may not trust anyone because of your abuse. In your childhood, you couldn't trust those who were closest to you, if like with me, they were your abusers. Trust is a very big issue and one that you need to do very carefully. Sadly, the world is full of people that you shouldn't trust with your story and your vulnerability. As an adult, there are abusers who will instintively pick up that you are vulnerable and will take advantage if you give them the chance. Believe your heart and your gut when you get signals to run away from these people. This is one reason why learning to trust yourself and your intuition are so important. Really listen to your body. I know how hard that is if you disconnected from your body as a child in order to survive the pain of incest. I also know from my own experience that you can learn to reconnect. Be patient and kind with yourself as you learn to do this. You are blessed to live in a time when many resources are available for your use.

Trust a few close friends with your story or, if it is easier, trust a roomful of strangers, like I did, in 12-Step programs. Those people weren't strangers for long. They totally accepted me and my story of incest.  Today I thank God that my dad was an alcoholic. I was able to find out how I was affected by the family disease of alcoholism and had taken on the characteristics of both of my parents but I also found a safe place to talk about the incest. I talked and talked and talked until I started to feel and the hurt started to leave. Talk as much as you can until the abuse is talked out of your body and mind. Some people will think you are stuck in the memories and will possibly wish you would just shut up. Don't shut up and don't trust those people.  Most people don't realize that you were silenced for so long that you can't let the hurt and anger go with just a few words and wishes. You have to work at and talk your way through the healing process. Writing helps too if you are a writer like me. You are worth whatever it takes to heal. Find a counselor or therapist that will listen and help you work through your pain. Don't settle for just any therapist. Not all are trained to help incest survivors. A therapist that doesn't know what they are doing can do more harm rather than helping you. Sometimes you just don't click with that person. Find a therapist that you can trust and feel safe sharing your story with.

Find others who can love you until you can love yourself. Surround yourself with people who will support you through the long journey to healing. Some won't stay for very long. Those who do will be your true friends. If you trust the wrong person with your story and get hurt by them. Let go of them and move on. Don't stay in an abusive relationship. You do not deserve to be revictimized by anyone. You couldn't do anything about the abuse you suffered as a child. As an adult, you can choose to say no to abuse of any kind and leave if the other person doesn't. Don't trust everyone with yourself or with your story. You deserve to be believed. If others can't treat you with respect and kindness, leave them behind. Move forward into your healing.

As I said before, trust your intuition which will tell you who is trustworthy and who isn't. Start with trusting yourself. Be kind and compassionate with yourself first. Start to listen to your inner voice that has your best interest at heart. Don't listen to any critical inner voices that you got from your parents or abusers. Learn to tune them out. Critical inner voices don't have your best interest at heart. Being critical of yourself is just carrying on the shame that your abusers passed on to you. Don't shame and blame yourself. Being responsible for your own actions is not the same as blaming and shaming. Feeling guilty for making a mistake is not the same as feeling shame because you were taught that you are the mistake. You are not a mistake, now or ever. That is the abuser speaking. Don't listen to that crap any more. You are worthy and lovable. Love yourself and heal. You are worth it.
Patricia

Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Pinwheel Girl's Book of Simple Wisdom - eBook Review

Kendra Kett recently asked me to read her new ebook The Pinwheel Girl's Book of Simple Wisdom and to write a book review for her. I gladly accepted the invitation. I have been reading Kendra's blog Pinwheel Girls, helping women be true to themselves for over a year now. Her blog and ebook are both very uplifting and encouraging when I am on a low point in my journey to healing.  The link to Kendra's blog is

http://pinwheelgirls.com/


The Pinwheel Girl's Book of Simple Wisdom, as well as encouraging and uplifting, makes me smile and nod my head, "Yes!" over and over again as I read the pages. The pages are full of words of "simple wisdom" to use Kendra's description and has wonderful pictures to accompany her words.  To borrow Kendra's own words from her blog title, her ebook does the same as her blog when it is "helping women be true to themselves." Being true to ourselves is very important and something that survivors of childhood abuse often have to learn how to do. Kendra's ebook is a book of affirmations that will help others to do just that - be true to themselves.

Some of the topics offered in Kendra's ebook are as follows:
Loving yourself unconditionally
Having compassion for yourself and others
Having self-approval rather than other-approval
Pushing through feelings to heal
You are stronger than you know
Learning to express yourself
Being empowered
The key to self-empowerment
Overcoming your fears
Being a self-advocate
Allowing your own transformation
You are more than just good enough
True authenticity means being yourself
Letting go of toxic people and relationships
Don't listen to negative talk whether it is from self or others
You will get there

You won't find the topics listed the way that I listed them above. The listing of subjects are in my own words. These messages are powerful for anyone, but especially so if you are a survivor. These are not all of the topics. These are just my favorites that I will read over and over again as I need them to remind me of some of the issues that I may still need to do work on to heal.

Kendra also has written a book called The Pinwheel Girl Takes Flight: Every Woman's Journey Through Seven Stages of Transformation. I have read and loved it too. You can find the book and ebook both on Kendra's website Pinwheel Girls. You can click on the link below to go to her wonderfully delightful website:

http://pinwheelgirls.com/

Patricia

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Survivors Are Beautiful

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
- Elizabeth Kubler Ross


Surviviors are the most beautiful, courageous, people of strength - male and female - children and adults - that I have ever met. They have all of the things mentioned by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. They often emerge out of their woundedness to heal and live full lives. Out of their desire to heal, they make the world a better place for everyone.

If you are a survivor reading this, give yourself credit for the strength that you have and for the struggles that you have overcome. Believe me when I say that you are beautiful.
Patricia

Monday, October 10, 2011

Healing Is About Love And Compassion

Just because I disagree with someone does not make them my enemy or me theirs, at least not in my mind.  Compassion gives me the ability to look beyond the disagreement to see what issues may be bringing up stuff for the other person. 

Self-compassion also gives me the ability to look and see if I have any issues being brought up by the disagreement. Through compassion, I can see the possible hurts on both sides.  I can choose to forgive myself and the other person and let go of my own hurts and anger, if I have any.  If I hold on to my anger and resentments, they only hurt me.  They don't hurt the other person.  Only their own hurts and resentments can do that to them.  Compassion allows me to send prayers and love to the other person, as I pray for and love myself. 

Healing is about love, first of myself and then of others.  If I try to love others from a place of hurt and anger, it doesn't work.  For me to love others, I have to come from a place of self-love.  Where love exists, hurt and anger can't stay.

Part of self-love is not hurting myself for any reason. I don't own this self-love 100% of the time.  I still sometimes put the needs of others above my own and I still, when really hurting from an issue, overeat.  Right now I am overeating or grazing as my doctor called it because the idea of writing my memoir is scaring my inner children terribly.  The idea of being that vulnerable and putting the secret of incest into book form is terrifying to them.  Because of that fear, I still haven't written the first word even though I have told several people that I would.

Another equally important part of self-love is not allowing others to purposefully hurt me.  Sometimes that means removing myself from that person's presence. 

With today's access to Facebook, Twitter and emails, sometimes removing myself from that person's presence means blocking them from access to me on the internet.  Many more people have access to me on the internet than those that I know personally in my own town.  Some disagreements can be easily settled and friendships remain in tact.  Others turn abusive and those are the ones that I won't stay in.  That doesn't mean that I am judging the other person.  There is a difference between judgment and discernment.  That doesn't mean that I think the other person is mean or crazy.  I just don't have to allow their issues to be transferred on to me and be used to abuse me with. 

Until I forgive a person, that person is still controlling me.  Forgiveness means working my way through any hurt and anger that I hold towards that person. Forgiveness does not mean putting myself back in contact with that person until they have forgiven me and settled their own issues. It does not mean accepting that person back into my life when they are still raging at injustices, imagined and real, that they believe that I have done to them.  Something else I have learned is, if my heart skips a beat every time that I run into this person online, I still have a connection to this person. I still have a fear of being hurt by this person.  I need to pay attention to this fear and work through it for my own well being.

If you are still raging and still blaming, you haven't reached the forgiveness stage.  Forgiveness doesn't blame.  Responsibility and blaming are not the same thing.  Blaming carries shame.  Responsibility does not.  Responsibility is a two way street.  I am responsible for my behavior and you are responsible for yours. Blaming can keep you stuck in anger and hurt.  Responsibility gives you the tools to work through your feelings and gives you the ability to take back your personal power from the abusers. Personal power gives you choices you might not have known that you had when you were stuck being a victim.
Patricia 

Related Posts:

Judgments - Discernments or Prejudice?
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/04/judgments-discernment-or-prejudice.html

Tools Of The Ego
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/04/tools-of-ego.html

Dialogues With Dignity: Progress Over Perfection
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/08/dialogues-with-dignity-progress-over.html

You Deserve Your Own Love Guest Post
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/09/you-deserve-your-own-love-guest-post.html

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Inspiration, Denial And Incest

This post is the result of a comment that I received on my last post "What Childhood Incest Taught Me". You will find the words from the comment here in italics when I quote it.

Warning this comment and post may be triggering.

I came through here looking for something inspirational to read and this is what I've found. I am feeling overwhelmingly sad for whoever this is. That life is one noone would choose to bare or even wish on the worst of people.

For inspirational, you picked the wrong post. And for "whoever this is", that is me. These were the lessons that I learned. I know from other comments and friends that these were also lessons that they learned from their own childhoods of abuse.

For anyone who has read my blog for very long, you know that some of my blog posts are inspirational. Some of my blog posts are about the very real facts, feelings, memories and stages of living with and dealing with the effects of incest. There is nothing inspirational about those posts. Yes, I know that some of them are difficult to read. They are also difficult for me to write even though I am in a better place in my life today. Sometimes I still feel the pain, sadness, anger and hurt of that abuse. Those blog posts I write are for other abuse survivors to let them know what my own experiences have been and to let them know that they are not alone. I have been there. I know it for the hell that it can be, especially when you feel so alone and so sad that you wonder if life is even worth living. I have always managed to take the next step. Sometimes it is two steps forward and one step back. That is the road to recovery. There is nothing easy about it.


For your experiences, all of you, I am truly heartbroken.

Thank you for your compassion and empathy. They are appreciated.


But there is something you each must realize. You each have suffered, in your own time, some of you maybe once or twice, others for years. But those times are not here, those years are not these years.

Part of my comment reply to this comment fits here: My question to you is, "Have you experienced any major trauma or abuse in your life?" It doesn't sound like it. If you haven't, you have no idea what it is like or how difficult it is to get over it.


You have to realize that sometimes life hands us so much... and all the while the world is so cruel. We start to feel like that is all that is ever to be dealt us. But it just isn't. You must each move on. I know you may think that this is impossible. But I know that as you read this those encounters are distant, very real, experiences. Key word being distant.

You have probably never had flashbacks or nightmares or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Soldiers aren't the only ones who get PTSD. Survivors of child abuse and survivors of sexual abuse do too. When those symptoms happen, you are not in control of your feelings or actions. You can be thrown back into "those years". Nobody wants that to happen but it does, sometimes on a daily basis. It takes years of therapy to recover from these. "Key word being distant." There is nothing distant about those years when you are in the middle of a flashback or nightmare. You can tell me they aren't real but when you are in the middle of it, they are very real. Have you ever had a flashback? If not, you don't know what you are talking about.


You are each holding so closely to something that with every single thought of it your heart breaks inside. Why are you choosing to hold on?

Why would anyone choose to hold on to the kind of emotional pain that most people can't even imagine, if they had a choice? Just choosing to be happy sounds like a really good reality but it is very often the road to denial. I did that road for a lot of years. That road that says, "I don't feel anything about the incest. I don't hate my abusers. I don't hate myself. I don't feel anything so I can't be affected by the incest. It doesn't affect my life, my decisions, my children, me. Life is fine. Life is great." The road to denial is a road of lies. I was disconnected from my feelings, from myself. I did hate myself. I did hate my abusers. I was so full of rage, sadness and hurt that I couldn't feel anything else. If you deny any feelings, you deny them all. I had a volcano of fire inside of me that caused headaches, stomach aches and other physical symptoms that shows what I was holding in rather than dealing with. I was taught all of this denial as a child. The denial didn't stop until I got sick and realized that denial didn't work. That is the real world of an incest survivor.

Just letting go of all of the pain isn't really an option until you have worked through all of your issues. Then the letting go is possible. Is it an instant possibility, just in the case of a miracle. I do believe in miracles. I also know that denial is alive and well until I choose to let go of it and face the reality of incest.


You have to realize that you are something amazing on the inside. That the real true parts of us are ones that NO ONE can touch but you.

I can agree with the above statement. On the spiritual level, my Higher Self is untouchable by what happens to my body. The truth is that each of us is a Light to the world. Sometimes that Light does get hidden by the struggles of Life. This isn't something that a child who is being abused or an adult who is still suffering from the abuse is even aware of. On a spiritual level, I can even say that "Yes, I chose this lifetime to learn the lessons that incest teaches me. My parents chose to help teach me those lessons." It has taken me years to reach the level of acceptance that this requires. Most abuse survivors aren't there yet. Do I condemn them as stupid or not whole or anything else derogatory because they aren't at this level of understanding yet? No, not at all. There are still some days that I question the validity of those beliefs and they are my own. Do I expect everyone else to accept and live by those "spiritual" beliefs? Again, no, not at all. Is it ok if you disagree with me? Yes, absolutely. Do I want to hear how you disagree with me? Only if it is offered in a respectful manner.


What happened to you, happened to your body. And you each, understandably, allowed it to alter more than just your body. You let your spirits still feel the pain.

I don't know about you but, yes, I live in a physical world which affects my mental and emotional world. I believe that my spiritual world encompasses all of the others and uses those others to teach its lessons. I eventually see the blessings that come from going through the pain but not until I have worked through the pain.

Again you used the word "let" as if the victim of abuse knows that they have choices. Victims don't know that they have choices. Choices didn't exist for me for many, many years because I believed the lies of the abuser who told me he was in control and that I had to do what he told me to do. I had no choices until I got into a recovery program and learned what choices meant. That is when I learned that I was responsible for my own life and my own choices. That is a very big lesson for survivors. Not everyone learns that lesson.


Just imagine yourself as a light inside a dark cave. No matter how dark it is on the outside, no matter how it may storm, it doesn't change that there is light on the inside. You are safe because you are that light.

As an incest survivor, I didn't learn that the world was a safe place. Yes, I have always been aware of that inner Light. That inner Light is probably the only thing that kept me from splitting into different personalities as some childhood abuse survivors do. My Spirit has always been and will always be safe. My physical world has never felt safe.


You are you at the happiest moments in your life, not the you that always returns home to your pain.

You live in a world of duality---Light and Dark, Love and Fear, Good and Evil, Day and Night, Sad and Happy, Calm and Chaos. You can't have one without the other. Without Sad how would you know what Happy is? Without Evil how would you know what Good is? Without Fear how would you know what Safe is or Love is? Hate isn't the opposite of Love, Fear is. Lack of Love equals Fear. You can't know what the "happiest moments in your life" are unless you know what the worst moments of your life are.


Let it go now. Move on. Decide you have this one life, and no matter what the world will ever throw at you will never matter.

I have discovered that those people who tell me to "Let it go now. Move on." are usually one of two types. They either have never experienced what I have and therefore know nothing about the process that it takes to heal. Or, they have their own abuse issues that they want to stay in denial of. If you see me going through my issues and haven't dealt with your own, then my struggle threatens your denial. That is why you tell me to let it go and to move on so that you don't have to become aware of your own unresolved issues.

I feel sad for those who are still in denial of their own issues. I have little sympathy for those who don't know what they are talking about because they have never experienced what I have. If you haven't been there, you have no idea of what it takes to live my life and to struggle to get better. Don't tell me to get over it. If you have been where I am and were able to let go of your issues by healing them, then tell me how you did it. Share your experiences and what worked. Don't share your denial of your issues. I don't need that. I did that, on my own, years ago and I know that denial just helps you continue to live in the pain. Denial heals nothing. When you are in denial, you aren't happy. You aren't free. The only way to freedom is through the pain, not around it.


You are stronger now than anyone will ever know. You can take this world on and actually live free from your past.

Yes, I am stronger than even I knew that I would ever be. I am more courageous than I ever thought I could be. I am more compassionate that I ever thought possible. I am proud to be the woman that I am today. I am the best parent that I know how to be to my inner child.

I don't live completely free from my past. I don't believe that that is totally possible. I don't know that I would want it to be. My past has formed who I am today. Without that past I would not be stronger, more courageous, compassionate, proud of who I am today. Without my past, I would not be aware of the blessings of my life today. Yes, today, I can take on whatever the world throws at me. This is true because of my past.


Some of you maybe have already found a church. But some of you may feel like there are far too many questions. But all I can say is...you can walk make the decision to just say goodbye to all that stuff you can't bring back or change. And never have to think about it again. The person that hurt you had their free will, and they chose to storm boldly away from what was right, and you suffered. That makes it the fault of no one but them, not you and definitely not God. Choose to forget and start living your life in the light. Remember these bodies die, but we will never die. Where are you headed, and lets make it great! "Love your neighbor as yourself" said someone very special. It's great advice. Good Luck.

The comment about finding a church can be a future post all of its own. I "found a church", but many others, not just survivors, choose differently. I am happy with my church. That is my choice.

I don't blame God for what happened to me. I never have. I know that some survivors do. I did turn my back on God for a few years because I thought He did nothing to stop the abuse. A part of me always felt His presence in my life. That presence is what gave me the strength to survive when many others didn't.

I know that some don't believe in a God who could allow such abuses to happen to a child. Others look to God for grace and love. I believe in free will and that you are each responsible for your own actions. I know that some of the abused go on to abuse the next generation. Most of you don't. Many choose to stop the abuse rather than pass it on to future generations.

Some of you choose to share your own experiences, as I do, by blogging about them online. Others choose to write in private journals. Some of you still continue in the silence because you haven't found your voice yet. It is for other incest and childhood abuse survivors that I write of my experiences. Any time that someone survives abuse in any form and can write about that journey, that is inspirational. It isn't light, funny inspiration. It is sad, thoughtful, sometimes tearful. It is always heartfelt. Sometimes it comes from a deep well of hurt. It is always healing to be able to bring these thoughts and feelings to the surface and share them with others. It can be educational to share with others who have never experienced abuse in their own lives. Without awareness, you can stop nothing.

If you come here looking for happy and joyful and light, sometimes you will find it here. Other times you won't. I won't apologize for my words. This is my life. I share it to give strength and hope to other survivors. I also share it to spread awareness of the evil disease of abuse that lives in this world. I look forward to hearing what you think about this post and any other post that you want to comment on. I reserve the right to agree or disagree with your comments.
Patricia

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Ripple Effects Of Kindness, Compassion, And Sympathy

Source: The New International Webster's Standard Dictionary, Trident Reference Publishing, 2006 Edition:

kind adj. benevolent, compassionate, and humane in nature (page 160)

compassion n. concern for the troubles of another; pity; sympathy -compassionate adj.
-compassionately adv. (page 73)

sympathy n. an agreement of feeling; compassion for another's suffering; agreement or accord; support or approval (page 267)


I left a comment on Lance's blog Jungle of Life recently that I wanted to share with all of you. You can find Lance's "Sunday Thought For The Day" on December 27, 2009 at the following link: http://www.jungleoflife.com/ . Lance's blog articles are always so uplifting to me. He brightens my world which usually needs brightening around the holiday season.

Here is my edited comment:
". . . Compassion is such a great lesson and a great way to move forward as a world. Compassion, like all great teachings, begins with the individual. As one person changes so do all of those around him/her causing a ripple effect around the world one person at a time. . . . Compassion starts with the Self."

The same can be said for kindness and sympathy when you reach out to others. The biggest lesson that I had to learn was that I needed to be kind, compassionate, and sympathetic to myself before I could be that way to you. Those of you who have been abused in your childhood may have never experienced kindness, compassion or sympathy from others so you weren't shown how to exhibit those qualities to yourself or others.

I don't do New Year's Eve Resolutions. I have tried a few times and they just don't work for me. I used to beat myself up for failing at these goals. You see no one ever taught me about goals. Resolutions reminded me of all of the broken promises of growing up in an alcoholic and incestuous home. I knew by the age of 6 that promises would be broken. I never make promises for that reason. This is an area that I can be kind, compassionate, and sympathetic to that little girl who learned the lesson that promises get broken. I can show her that I understand her fears and disappointments from the past. I can also show her that I will do my best to not disappoint her again. I can acknowledge that her fears and disappointments are my fears and disappointments and that together we can overcome them. We can move forward.

I AM going to be more kind, compassionate and sympathetic to myself and others in 2010. Happy, Glorious 2010 to all.
Patricia

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Spirit Of Christmas

I wish for each of you a very merry Christmas. Here is an email Christmas story that I love to receive each year because it reminds me of what the Spirit of Christmas should be in all of us. I don't know the original source of this wonderful story. I would thank you if I did. Enjoy and feel free to become this type of giving person if you aren't already.


A Christmas Story
"The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve. He hadn't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away. He had no decorations, no tree, no lights. It was just another day to him. He didn't hate Christmas, just couldn't find a reason to celebrate. There were no children in his life. His wife was gone.


He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through. Instead of throwing the man out, George, old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come and sit by the space heater and warm-up.


'Thank you, but I don't mean to intrude,' said the stranger.
'I see you're busy. I'll just go.' 'Not without something hot in your belly,' George turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger.
'It ain't much, but it's hot and tasty. Stew. Made it myself. When you're done there's coffee and it's fresh.'


Just at that moment he heard the 'ding' of the driveway bell.
'Excuse me, be right back,' George said. There in the driveway was an old 53 Chevy. Stream was rolling out of the front. The driver was panicked.
'Mister can you help me!' said the driver with a deep Spanish accent.
'My wife is with child and my car is broken.'
George opened the hood. It was bad. The block looked cracked from the cold; the car was dead.
'You ain't going in this thing,' George said as he turned away.
'But mister, Please help....'

The door of the office closed behing George as he went in. George went to the office and got the keys to his old truck, and went back outside. He walked around the building and opened the garage, started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting.
'Here, you can borrow my truck,' he said. 'She ain't the best thing you ever looked at, but she runs real good.' George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night.


George turned and walked back inside the office.
'Glad I loaned em the truck. Their tires were shot too.
'That 'ol truck has brand new tires......' George thought he was talking to the stranger, but the man had gone. The Thermos was back on the desk, empty with a used coffee cup beside it.


George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start. It cranked slowly. He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been. He thought he would tinker with it for something to do. Christmas Eve meant no customeres. He discovered the block hadn't cracked, it was just the bottom hose of the radiator.
'Well, I can fix this,' he said to himself. So he put on a new one on. 'Those tires ain't gonna get 'em through the winter either.' He took the smow treads off of his wife's old Lincoln. They were like new and he wasn't going to drive the car.


As he was working he heard a shot being fired. He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground. Bleeding from the left shoulder, the officer moaned, 'Help me.'
George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic. He knew the wound needed attention. 'Pressure to stop the bleeding,' he thought. The laundry company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels. He used those and duct tape to bind the wound.


'Hey, they say duct tape can fix anythin',' he said, trying to make the policeman feel at ease. 'Something for pain,' George thought. All he had was the pills he used for his back. 'These ought to work.' He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills. 'You hang in there. I'm going to get you an ambulance.' George said, but the phone was dead. 'Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your police car.' He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio. He went back in to find the policeman sitting up.


'Thanks,' said the officer. 'You could have left me there. The guy that shot me is still in the area.' George sat down beside him. 'I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain't gonna leave you.' George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding. 'Looks worse than it is. Bullet passed right through 'ya. Good thing it missed the important stuff though. I think with with time you're gonna be right as rain.'

George got up and poured a cup of coffee. 'How do you take it?' he asked.
'None for me,' said the officer.
'Oh, yer gonna drink this. Best in the city.' Then George added: 'Too bad I ain't got no donuts.'
The officer laughed and winced at the same time.

The front door of the office flew open. In burst a young man with a gun. 'Give me all your cash! Do it now!' the young man yelled. His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before. 'That's the guy that shot me!' exclaimed the officer. 'Son, why are you doing this?' asked George. 'You need to put the cannon away. Somebody else might get hurt.' The young man was confused. 'Shut up old man, or I'll shot you, too. Now give me the cash!'

The cop was reaching for his gun. 'Put that thing away,' George said to the cop. 'We got one too many in here now.' He turned his attention to the young man. 'Son, it's Christmas Eve. If you need the money, well then, here. It ain't much but it's all I got. Now put that pee shooter away.'

George pulled $150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man, reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time. The young man released his grip on the gun, fell to his knees and began to cry. 'I'm not bery good at this am I? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son,' he went on. 'I've lost my job. My rent is due. My car got repossessed last week...'

George handed the gun to the cop. 'Son, we all got a bit of squeeze now and then. The road gets hard sometimes, but we make it through the best we can.' He got the young man to his feet, and sat him down on a chair across from the cop. 'Sometimes we do stupid things.'

George handed the young man a cup of coffee. 'Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human. Comin' in here with a gun ain't the answer. Now sit there and get warm and we'll sort this thing out.' The young man had stopped crying. He looked over to the cop. 'Sorry I shot you. It just went off. I'm sorry officer.'
'Shut up and drink your coffee.' the cop said.

George could hear the sounds of sirens outside. A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt. Two cops came through the door, guns drawn. 'Chuck! You ok?' one of the cops asked the wounded officer. 'Not bad for a guy who took a bullet. How did you find me?'
'GPS locator in the car. Best thing since sliced bread. Who did this?' the other cop asked as he approached the young man. Chuck answered him, 'I don't know. The guy ran off into the dark. Just dropped his gun and ran.' George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other. 'That guy works here.' the wounded cop continued. 'Yep,' George said. 'Just hired him this morning. Boy lost his job.'

The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher. The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered, 'Why?' Chuck just said, 'Merry Christmas, boy. And you too, George, and thanks for everything.'

'Well, looks like you got one doozy of a break there. That ought to solve some of your problems.' George went into the back room and came out with a box. He pulled out a ring box. "Here you go. Something for the little woman. I don't think Martha would mind. She siad it would come in handy some day.' The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw. 'I can't take this,' said the young man. 'It means something to you.'
'And now it means something to you,' replied George. 'I got memories. That's all I need.'

George reached into the box again. A toy airplane, a racing car and a little metal truck appeared next. They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell. 'Here's something for that little man of yours.' The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $150 that the old man had handed him earlier. 'And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with? You keep that, too. Count it as part of your first week's pay.' George said. "Now git home to your family.'

The young man turned with tears streaming down his face. 'I'll be here in the morning for work, if that job offer is still good.'
'Nope. I'm closed Christmas Day,' George said. 'See ya the day after.'

George turned around to find that the stranger had returned.
'Where'd you come from? I thought you left?'
'I have been here. I have always been here,' said the stranger.
'You say you don't celebrate Christmas. Why?'
'Well, after my wife passed away I just couldn't see what all the bother was. Puttin' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree. Bakin' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn't the same by myself and besides I was getting a little chubby.'

The stranger put his hand on George's shoulder.
'But you do celebrate the holiday, George. You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry. The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor. The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists. The young man who tried to rob you will become a rich man and share his wealth with many people.
That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man.'

George was taken aback by all this stranger had said. 'And how do you know all this?' asked the old man. 'Trust me, George. I have the inside track on this sort of thing. And when your days are done you will be with Martha again.' The stranger moved toward the door.

'If you will excuse me, George, I have to go now. I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned.' George watched as the man's old leather jacket and his torn pants turned into a white robe. A golden light began to fill the room.

'You see George. It's My birthday. Merry Christmas.' "


Merry Christmas to you all.
Patricia

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Case Of The Three-Year-Old Adultress

The following is something that I wrote years ago and a friend found and gave me his copy of it recently. I warn you that it won't be easy to read. It may cause flashbacks. It may make you cry. For that I apologize. It is still difficult for me to read. I wrote this when I was 40 years old which would put the date of writing this as 1991. I didn't write a date on this paper so I don't know the exact date that I wrote it. Here it is in its entirety.


THE CASE OF THE THREE-YEAR-OLD-ADULTRESS
by
Patricia C. Singleton
"I learned a new word today. That word is adultress---that word is me. I am sitting in church with my grandma and I am three years old.
Today I added a new word to my vocabulary. That word is fornicator---that word is not me. I am sitting in an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting and I am forty years old.
This year, I am eleven years old. I haven't started to develop into a young woman yet, but it will happen later this year. My periods will start; I will develop breasts; I will grow hair under my arms; and I will grow hair on my pubic area. Before any of this happens, I will become an incest victim.
I don't have any memories of sexual abuse happening before the age of eleven. I remember a weekend of repeatedly being raped by an uncle. I remember the pain, the tears, the pleas for him to stop, the fear and the silence. I remember the sense of betrayal that I felt. I remember wondering what was wrong with me that I had caused him to do this to me. What I don't remember is any blood. This was my first time. I was a virgin.
A few months later, I started working on weekends helping my Daddy at the dairy barn. The first night we had to go to the hay barn to get hay down for the cows to eat the next day. I followed Daddy up the ladder to the loft. He turned his flashlight off. He told me to pull down my pants and to lay across a bale of hay. We were in total darkness. I was scared and disgusted. I knew, without being told, what was going to happen, again. The incest continued to happen an average of two times a week for the next six years. I have many memories from this period of my life---memories that, as an adult, I consciously tried to forget.
Until three years ago, I thought that I had a full memory of the years that the incest was happening. I went to visit an aunt who is a year older than I am. My aunt lives in Dallas, TX. My husband took our children to the Book Depository Museum from which Lee Harvey Oswalt was supposed to have shot President John Kennedy. When my husband walked into my aunt's house, he and our children were talking about the Museum. My husband asked my aunt and I where we were the day the President was shot in 1963. I said that I was in my 7th grade science class. My aunt looked at me and said that she and my grandmother were living with my family at that time. I looked at her and asked her to repeat what she had just said. I was shocked. I remember several times when we were children that she and my grandmother lived with us. I have absolutely no memory of them living with us at that time. I was confused and very frightened. If I didn't remember this, what else did I not remember?
My memories, or lack of those memories, remains a mystery to me. The pieces of the puzzle are slowly falling into place. Three years ago, because of some paintings that I did, a counselor told me that I was probably as young as eight or nine years old when the incest began. Two months ago, while I was sitting in my Incest Survivor Group listening to someone else talking, I suddenly heard a child's voice inside my head. She shouted, "Something happened when you were seven years old!" I still don't know what happened, but I believe my feelings that tell me that something of importance did happen.
Three weeks ago, I told my story for the first time. My story was told to a mixed group of men and women from several different recovery groups. Because I wanted to hear my own story, I taped it. I knew I wouldn't remember half of what I said to the group. I listened to the tape twice alone at home. The third time I played the tape was for my Incest Survivor Group and one of my counselors. Because this was a safe environment, I was able to hear a sentence that I hadn't heard myself say before. What I said was that at a very young age, I had labeled myself as an adultress. As I heard myself say this on the tape, a picture from my past came to mind. I was sitting in church with my grandmother listening to the preacher talk about adultery. I was three years old when I first labeled myself as an adultress. The sexual abuse was already happening in order for me to attach the label of adultress to myself. I don't have any memories of this happening, but why would a three-year-old attach that label to herself unless, in her own mind, it fit the circumstances she was living in?
Two weeks ago, at an ACA meeting, I was talking about labeling myself an adultress at the age of three. A person in the group pointed out that I wasn't married so I couldn't be an adultree at the age of three. That person said the label should have been fornicator instead of adultress.
The Webster's Encyclopedia of Dictionaries gives the two following definitions:
"Adultery---violation of the marriage vows."
"Fornication---sexual intercourse between unmarried persons."
As an Incest Survivor, I am not guilty of being an adultress or a fornicator. I was forced into a sexual relationship that was not of my choosing. I was the victim. I am now a Survivor who refuses to believe the lies she was told as a child. I know that I was not a three-year-old-adultress.
I was a victim of the adults in my life. As an adult, instead of punishing myself for something that was never my fault, I can celebrate each day of my life. I have the new found freedom to experience joy, laughter, and serenity. I can now allow myself to experience all of my emotions, including my fear and anger. As a Survivor, I am learning to take care of myself. As I grow in strength and become more open to life, more memories may surface.
I am learning what courage is. Courage is being afraid and doing the work anyway. Dealing with the pain, fear and anger of recovery takes courage. I don't know where this story will end for me. I do know I am willing to make the journey because in the end, I will be a better person.
Also, by sharing my story with you, I may give you the awareness that the adults in my life didn't have. If you can do something to prevent a child being abused, please do it. A child may not be able to ask for help. They are often afraid to say anything if they have already been betrayed by an adult that they trusted. As an adult, don't be afraid to get involved. If you think something is wrong, please ask the child. As a child, I couldn't tell anyone what my dad was doing. I didn't think anyone would believe me. I often prayed that some caring adult would ask me if something was wrong. Then I could break the code of silence that I was taught by my abusers. Don't ignore the signs of abuse. Protect our children."
Even back in 1991, I knew that I would some day be writing about my abuse in order to help others. This past week, 5 of my email subscribers unsubscribed while I gained at least that many or more new subscribers through the feed readers. I am always sad to see any of my readers leave. I am always pleased to see new readers come along. Thank you to both for joining in on my journey, even if it is for just a short time.
I know that what I am writing about is difficult to read. Without breaking the silence of abuse, nothing and nobody changes. Holding it all inside, silently suffering keeps you a victim. Sharing with others makes this burden easier to bear until it turns itself around and becomes a blessing. You may ask, how does incest become a blessing? The blessing comes from the strength and compassion that I have today that I might not would have if not for my experiences of the past.
Patricia

Sunday, September 21, 2008

What Does Forgiveness Mean To Me?

As you all know, I have been reading several books on the subject of forgiveness and I have been sharing information from those books. Well, I am reading another book called "finding forgiveness, A 7-Step Program for Letting Go of Anger And Bitterness" written by Eileen R. Borris-Dunchunstang, Ed. D.

The book gives writing exercises which I am going to do to see what emotions come up for me and to see if I have any more forgiveness work left to do. The first journal exercise is to write about what forgiveness means to me. So here goes.

What does forgiveness mean to me? Forgiveness means not being in extreme emotional or physical pain because of the tension of holding in all of my rage. It means not making myself sick from the stress of holding it all inside of me like a volcano or a pressure cooker with the pressure set too high, just waiting to blow up.

I had to quit writing for a minute because I started coughing so I have some resistance to doing this exercise. I am willing to be willing to do these exercises and the forgiveness work that follows.

Forgiveness means letting go of the rage and seeing the hurt underneath that the rage has been covering up. I am in a safe place and in a safe relationship that allows me to do this work now.

Forgiveness allows me to nurture and love myself without blame or guilt getting in my way.

Forgiveness means I can let go of the need for revenge and hate and realize that justice doesn't always happen in the manner that I expect it to.

Forgiveness means feeling compassion for myself and others who have lived with incest and other forms of abuse and survived. It is also feeling compassion for those who didn't survive.

Forgiveness, for me, means seeing my dad, Raymond, as the wounded child that he was. Raymond hurt so bad inside that he couldn't control his reaching out and hurting others. I can clearly see that Raymond only felt in control when he was controlling others. He was a frightened child stuck in his own pain and not knowing how to get out. That is why he drank and became an alcoholic. I can only imagine the fear and guilt that Raymond lived with daily. I can feel compassion for the frightened child that was Raymond.

I can't tell you the date or time that I started forgiving Raymond. It was a gradual process of letting go a little at a time. It doesn't mean that I don't sometimes find myself angry at what he did. More often, today, I sometimes find myself sad because of the way the incest affected my childhood and my life as an adult.

Grieving is part of the process of forgiving. I have grieved for the parents that didn't love me the way that I wanted to be loved and cared for. I have grieved because I didn't love myself enough. I have grieved because I was so afraid. I have grieved because of the imaginary family that I always wanted that never existed. I have grieved for the young woman who wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night. I have grieved for the girl who wanted to be honest and wasn't because of the family secrets that she was forced to keep. I have grieved for the little girl who just wanted her daddy's and momma's love. All of this has been a part of the process of forgiving that I have experienced.

Forgiveness has also been about the freedom to become me --- to come out of hiding and out of fear which keeps me from really living.

Forgiveness has become a gift that I have given myself. It had nothing to do with Raymond and everything to do with me.

Forgiveness, for me, was a change of attitude. Where I once saw darkness, I now see light. Where I once had tears, now I have laughter. Joy is part of my life today. Fear rarely visits.

Forgiveness enables me to see the lessons that I have learned that make me the wonderful, powerful, loving, compassionate woman that I am today. Today I have the courage to reach out to others.

Forgiveness has released hate from my life. I no longer hate myself or my body. I love me.
Patricia

Related Articles:

Acknowledging Your Grief And Releasing It --- http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/08/acknowledging-your-grief-and-releasing.html

Grieving Again --- http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/08/grieving-again.html

Forgiveness Starts With A Decision --- http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/08/forgiveness-starts-with-decision.html

Healing And Letting Go Of Repressed Emotions --- http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/07/healing-and-letting-go-of-repressed.html

Forgiveness, Done In Layers --- http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/ 06/ forgiveness-done-in-layers.html

Breaking The Silence---Incest May Be A Part Of My Life Series---Part 4 --- http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/08/breaking-silence-incest-may-be-part-of.html

Family Secrets---Incest May Be A Part Of My Life Series---Part 5 --- http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/family-secrets-incest-may-be-part-of-my.html

Forgiveness Is For You, Not The Other Person --- http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/forgiveness-is-for-you-not-other-person.html

Prelude To Forgiveness --- http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/prelude-to-forgiveness.html

Childhood Memories ---http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/10/childhood-memories.html

Compassion Begins With Me --- http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/11/compassion-begins-with-me.html

Compassion, The Ultimate Act Of Love --- http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/12/compassion-ultimate-act-of-love.html

A Day In The Life Of An Incest Survivor --- http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/02/day-in-life-of-incest-survivor.html

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Dare To Forgive

"Dare To Forgive" by Edward M. Hallowell, M. D., Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, Florida, 2004, page 72:

Dr. Hallowell called his plan for forgiveness a practical method. He lists the steps as acts in a play.

Act 1: "pain: feeling wronged and wondering what to do."

Act 2: "reliving what happened and reflecting on it, using your beliefs, intelligence and imagination to help guide you. Ask yourself, What do I want this pain to turn into? "

Act 3: "wrestling within yourself, or with others, as you heal, working your way past anger and resentment to a peaceful place."

Act 4: "taking stock and moving forward."

I am reading several books on forgiveness. I rarely only read one book at a time. I am like a sponge needing to absorb all that I can on a subject before I take time to reflect on what I have read. Then I either take it in and make it mine or if it doesn't work for me, I let it go.

Another quote that I want to share with you is from the book, "Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses" written by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, 2007, page 66:

"Forgiveness does not mean we forget the past. Nor does it mean we accept repeated mistreatments. After all, many of us have learned valuable lessons from our past that helped shape who we are today. Eventually, however, the burden of carrying around our pain can take its toll on us. If we're finding it hard to forgive, we might still be in pain. If this is the case, we might benefit from allowing ourselves more time to heal before we even begin to think about forgiveness.

Ultimately forgiveness is an action we take to free ourselves from the pain we've been carrying. Forgiveness creates space in our lives for our own healing. In fact, forgiveness can be an important step in taking care of ourselves. We can forgive and rebuild our damaged relationships, or we can forgive and still choose to distance ourselves from certain people who continue to be abusive.

When we think about forgiveness, we also consider those mistakes we have made for which we'd like to make amends. Perhaps we have neglected to see our parents as people with their own challenges. After all, many of our parents grew up in alcoholic homes too, having faced many of the same experiences we faced. Or perhaps we've been clinging to our resentments. If we've been emotionally withholding in an effort to punish someone else for their past mistakes, we may have amends to make.

Having empathy for our parents' struggle doesn't mean we excuse or accept abusive behavior. When it comes to forgiveness, we can love someone and still hold them accountable for their behavior. We can have compassion for the alcoholic and other family members even if we hate the effects of the disease of alcoholism on our lives."


I know that is a lot of quoting. Thank you for staying with me through all of those words. The words from the experts and two different sources show you what has worked for me in my recovery long before I read either of these books. I support the information because I know it works if you are willing to do your own work of recovery.

In forgiving my father, I wasn't able to allow him back into my life. He was still an active alcoholic. My mother never left my life. She lived with my family and me for 14 years during which time, I was going to Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings and Incest counseling, getting in touch with my anger and other feelings and learning about forgiveness and what it meant to me. She only asked why I was going to meetings once and she didn't pursue my answer to find out why. She asked but she didn't really want to know. My mother had her own unresolved issues that she wasn't willing to look at so she couldn't deal with my issues either. Instead she held in her own anger and fears and they affected her happiness and her health causing heart problems which eventually killed her.

Why am I again working on forgiveness? Because I don't want to die from a heart condition like my mother did. Because I know that forgiving will bring me relief and release from the pain of hating and anger. In order to be happy, I will forgive others and myself for real and imagined transgressions. In order to be free, I will forgive. Can you forgive the people in your life who have harmed you? Tell me or someone else about it. It truly helps to share our pain. Besides, it is Step 2 above provided by Dr. Hallowell.
Patricia

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Using Your Pain To Live Your Divine Purpose

My title comes from a discussion that I have been having with CK Reyes and Michelle Vandepas over at Divine Purpose Unleashed. The article is called "Who Else Wants To Use Their Pain to Live Their Divine Purpose?" Instead of writing a regular article here, I ask that you click on the following underlined link and read the article and the comments back and forth between the three of us---CK, Michelle and me.

The article is found at the following link:
http://divinepurposeunleashed.com/use-your-pain-live-your-purpose/

You can come back here and leave comments on the article at Divine Purpose Unleashed or come back here and leave comments about my comments. Check out the other articles written by CK and Michelle as well on their site.
Patricia

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

2007 In Review

I have been thinking about this article for a couple of days deciding exactly what I wanted to include. 2007 has been such a wonderful/difficult year full of emotions and challenges, full of new friendships and letting go of old friendships, moving forward and looking backward.

If I had to come up with one word to envelope the entire year, it would have to be compassion. I ended the year with joining a meme on Survivor Needs inspired by Marj aka Thriver over at http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com/ . I also wrote a recent article called Compassion, The Ultimate Act of Love as a part of the Spread the Love Now! Group Writing Project sponsored by The Three Monks. You can check out their blogs by going to my article at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/12/compassion-ultimate-act-of-love.html . You can also check out my other two articles that I wrote about compassion by clicking on the word Compassion under Categories on the right side of the blog page. For those of you who are receiving this as an email, you will need to visit my blog at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/ . If you haven't actually visited my blog, please do so.

What have I written about on my blog this year?

The categories with the most included in them are Influencial People which has six articles, each written about someone special in my life. If you haven't read any of these articles, you are missing out by not meeting these people who have played a very important part in me becoming who I am today.

Another category which has the most number of articles is that of gratitude. Again, click on the word Gratitude under Categories on the right side of the blog page. Gratitude is a very important subject to me. It is one of the things that keeps me grounded, connected and humble. There has always been something that I could find to be grateful for in my life even at the lowest points. An Attitude of Gratitude is a great way to live your life. Nothing can keep you down for long when you are in a place of feeling grateful. Why look at what you don't have, when you can be grateful for what you do have. I believe it is especially important to acknowledge the people that you are grateful to. People are the ones that make the difference. Gratitude is a much more joyful place to be than the victim role. Even when I am in the middle of emotional turmoil, as I have been for the past two months, I can still find that I am grateful for the challenges of life because their presence means that I am growing.

The most important and most difficult articles that I have written this year are those from my Incest May Be A Part Of My Life Series. There are eight articles posted in that series. Those eight plus eight others are also included under the Category Incest. These are the articles that I have used to revisit my past, my childhood with all of its emotional turmoil of fear, rage, sadness and tears.

Why would I choose to revisit and stir up all of that?
Revisiting that gives me the opportunity to share all of the ways that I have healed from the childhood of abuse. Revisiting that gives me the opportunity to open the eyes of others that might be closed to the abuse of a child that they know. I also get the opportunity to share with other survivors the hope for their own healing and a compassion that can only come from someone who has been there. When you know that someone else has shared your journey, the words of compassion and caring mean so much more. Some people will tell you to just get over it without realizing, if it were that easy, we would have done it long ago.

That brings me to my next group of articles that you will find under the Category of Forgiveness. You will find six articles listed under Forgiveness that I wrote in 2007. I am so grateful that I have reached a point in my life that I could actually do true forgiveness. Some people never reach that point. For them, they are ok with not doing forgiveness. I hope that by sharing my own journey through to forgiveness that maybe someone else can reach that step. I recently read an article written by another sexual abuse survivor that was still in that "I am too rageful to want to do anything except hurt (KILL) my abusers." I remember being in that place myself. Then I was in a place of not knowing how to forgive and beating myself up for not being able to do it. Don't abuse yourself because you aren't there yet. It took me over thiry years to get there. Hopefully by sharing my journey to forgiveness, someone else can get there in less time than I did.

My highlight of the year, you will find written about in the articles under the Category of India. I was blessed with the abundance to financially be able to take a trip to India September 24-October 15, 2007. This was my third trip to India to visit Sathya Sai Baba. Some time in 2008, I will write some more articles on my visit and some background about Sai Baba for my readers that know nothing about this great spiritual teacher. Some of you will say, but you call yourself a Christian. Yes, I do. I don't see any conflict of interest there. Being a Sai Baba devotee enhances my Christian beliefs. Sai Baba himself says for us to stay home and worship God in whatever form we are comfortable with. He says we are all God. He remembers more about being God than we do. We all have the same ability to live life to its fullest, if we just remember Who we are.

Looking back through the year that this blog has been in existence, I have decided to choose some of my favorite articles to share with you. You will find a list of your favorites listed to the right on the blog page listed under Most Popular Posts. These are my favorites from each month.

My very first article that I posted on this blog was on June 1, 2007. The title of my favorite article for June 2007 was Three Of My Past Life Experiences. You will find it posted at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/three-of-my-past-life-experiences.html . This one is your least favorite. I know it really stretches the beliefs of a lot of people. When I wrote the article, I knew it would. I even said as much in the article. All I ask is that you be willing to be open to the possibility of past lives and reincarnation. That is all any of us can do with new experiences. I didn't always believe in reincarnation. My views over the past ten years have changed.

During July, I built on my Favorite People series of articles with writing articles 2-5. It would be difficult for me to choose which of those is my favorite. I love them all. Your favorite was #4 which I called The Most Influencial Person---#4---Birth Of A Dream which I wrote as a tribute to my friend Slade Roberson who gave me the encouragement and know how to start this blog in the first place. The book, The Secret, was very popular at this time also because it touched on The Law Of Attraction which is still very popular on the internet. I wrote several articles on The Secret during July. The first of those articles and probably my favorite for July was The Secret---Loving Yourself which you will find at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/07/secret-loving-yourself.html .

August started with the article What Good Will You Allow God To Do Through You? which you will find at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/07/what-good-will-you-allow-god-to-do.html . This was the month that I started writing my Incest May Be A Part Of My Life Series. This series started out with a warning. Warning: Reading the following series may be injurious to your peace of mind. They are intended to be. Without knowledge, we cannot prevent child abuse from happening. Go beyond this point at your own risk. Join me for the painful, frightening, emotional, freeing journey. I am very appreciative of your response to all of these articles. Your comments have told me that my purpose in writing these is being accomplished. How many more articles will be included in this series? At this point, I don't know. You will know as soon as I do. As long as the words continue to flow, the articles will come. Of course, that is true for the whole blog, isn't it?

In August, Priscilla Palmer started a monumental task of posting the names of the personal development blogs that existed on the internet. You will find her list posted at http://www.priscillapalmer.com/priscillapalmer/ . I have found some really great blogs by going through her list.

Probably my favorite article that I wrote in August came from the inspiration of Carol Ann Meadows, a dear friend whose death on December 1, 2005, I was still grieving this December. The article is called What Other People Think About You Is None Of Your Business. You will find this article at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/08/what-other-people-think-about-you-is.html .

In September, I was up to Part 5 of my Incest May Be A Part Of My Life Series writing about the effects of Family Secrets. I wrote Part 6 which was Mixed Emotions Keep The Hurt Alive and then didn't write any thing else until a week later. I had been posting articles on Wednesdays and Sundays before September 16. I wanted the next article to be about forgiveness. Forgiven Is For You, Not The Other Person is the most difficult post that I have written so far so I will call that my favorite for September. You will find this article at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/forgiveness-is-for-you-not-other-person.html . The next article that I wrote practically wrote itself. I could hardly get the words typed fast enough after struggling so much with the first article on forgiveness. This article I called Prelude To Forgiveness. You can find it at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/prelude-to-forgiveness.html . These two articles should probably be reversed in the order that they were written but the emotions needed to be felt by me in Forgiveness Is For You, Not The Other Person before I could write either article.

September ended in pre-travel jitters which I expressed in my first four articles about India and Sathya Sai Baba.

October began with me being in India with no assess to a computer. My first article for October was posted on October 20 less than a week after I got home from India. My favorite article in October was called Expectations---India Trip found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/10/expectations-india-trip.html . For this article, I borrowed a journal article that I wrote on the 22-hour airplane flight to Bangalore, India on September 24. I wanted to share with my readers what my expectations of the trip were before hand and how much better was what the Universe created for me during the trip. You would be amazed at how many blessings can come from the most severe sinus infection that I have ever had. You will have to read my articles listed under the India Category to find out.

November was a month of revelation after revelation for me. Most of them I wrote about in my November articles. For those articles, you can click on November 2007 under Blog Archives on the right side of the page of my blog. It is a difficult decision to decide which is my favorite from First Darshan In The Ashram---India Trip, Let's Talk About Spirit Guides Teleconference With Andrea Hess and Slade Roberson, and Compassion Begins With Me. Just click on November 2007 and you can read all three. If you haven't checked out the blogs of Slade Roberson found at http://sladeroberson.com/ and Andrea Hess at http://www.empoweredsould/blog/ , please do. They are just two of the wonderful new friends that I have made online this year through blogging.

December brought me back to writing about my incest issues and back in touch with my feelings which I talked about in Cry When You Need To and Feelings. In December I won a drawing that Paula Kawal had on her blog http://www.paulakawal.com/ . I wrote about that free session in the article Journey Within Coaching Session With Paula Kawal. That article gave me some relief from the emotional rollercoaster that I was experiencing in December. You will find that article at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/12/journey-within-coaching-session-with.html . Probably my favorite article that I wrote in December would probably be my shortest also. Are You Judging Others As Less Spiritual Than You? is found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/12/are-you-judging-others-as-less.html . This is about a very valuable lesson that my husband and my higher self taught me several years ago.

I have completed 2007 with 3,246 views by readers of the 69 articles that I have written in the past six months of blogging. I have between 60-76 subscribers daily to my blog. I thank each and every one of you for subscribing or just visiting my blog. I know my figures are small and for the time that I have been blogging, I am pleased with the audience that I have slowly and steadily built around my blog. For me, 2007 has been a challenging year of completion. A friend of mine who is into numerology says that the year 2007 was a year of completion for everybody and that 2008 is a year of new beginnings. I look forward to 2008 with anticipation for what will come. I know that we will all have a glorious 2008. Thanks for sharing my journey.




Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Compassion, The Ultimate Act Of Love

I have been intending to write this article for awhile and because of where I was emotionally I did not think that I could do it justice. I did not want any of my emotional upset to effect the story that I want to tell.


This is a story of compassion and love demonstrated by a simple act of kindness and caring by a husband for his wife.


The Three Monks are doing a Spread the Love Now! Group Writing Project. For the rules for submitting an article go to one of their websites.

http://www.urbanmonk.net/233/spread-the-love-now-group-writing-project/

http://kentonwhitman.com/blog/2007/12/21/spread-the-love-now-group-writing-project/

http://themiddleway.net/2007/12/21/spread-the-love-now-group-writing-project

Well, just a few days ago, I did a reading from The Healing Runes written by Ralph H. Blum and Susat Loughan. Of the three Runes that I drew, the second one was Compassion. The other two were Courage and Acceptance.

The following quote from the book may sound familiar to my regular readers because I have used it before. It is appropriate to the sharing of my story. On page 116, the book states, "It has been said that when we have compassion for one another, we shall be of one mind. For in living a compassionate life, we are practicing the Presence of God in a simple and universal way. Drawing this Rune reminds us to take time to show compassion for those we meet on our healing journey." The book goes on to say, ". . . remember to have compassion for yourself." This Rune further reminds us to look at the world through the eyes of compassion.

I drew the Rune for Compassion quite a bit while I was in India and since I have been back home. One of the best examples of compassion that I have ever seen was when I was at the ashram of Sathya Sai Baba in Puttiparthi, India.

My friend Ki does foot reflexology. She was staying near the ashram when my friend Sherryl and I arrived. Ki invited Sherryl and I to go with her to meet a couple from Austria. Ki thought that maybe Sherryl could do some healing work on the wife with her Reiki and Cranio-sacral adjustments that Sherryl is trained to do as well as being a massage therapist. I was too sick to accompany them for the first two visits.

On the third visit, I went with Ki and Sherryl to visit Hans and Marguerite. Marguerite had been paralyzed and not able to move anything except her head for over two months when we met her. She had been diagnosed with Gillian Barre Syndrome. Sherryl has known three other people who had contracted the disease back in the United States so she was able to give Hans and Marguerite some encouraging information about the disease. Two of the three people had complete recoveries from the disease. The third person was Sherryl's elderly uncle who only recovered partially. Because of his advanced age, he still walks with the aid of canes. Sherryl was able to tell Marguerite that since she was in her thirties and did not need mechanical help with breathing that she would probably have a full recovery. When Sherryl was massaging Marguerite's leg muscles, Marguerite felt pain from the muscles cramping. Sherryl was able to tell her that it was good news. Her muscles were beginning to get the feeling back in them so recovery was already beginning.

The most compassionate moment that I was blessed to be able to see was between Marguerite and her husband Hans who was her major caregiver during the entire two months that she had been completely helpless. Hans worked very hard to make sure that Marguerite was as comfortable as he could make her during this whole time. Sherryl's words gave Hans encouragement also. Hans was able to find people who could come in and do reflexology and massage to help keep Marguerite's muscles from atrophying.

As Ki was doing reflexology on Hans' feet and Sherryl was doing a massage on Marguerite's legs, I sat at their dining room table watching and holding the safe space for the healing work of the other two and sending Reiki energy to both Hans and Marguerite.

As tired as Hans was, he was always very gentle and loving towards Marguerite. She would ask a question or make a comment and he would patiently answer her. At one point, Marguerite gave a little cry of pain and then asked Hans a question. Hans gently and lovingly reached out and patted Marguerite's hand as he softly talked to her answering her question and reassuring her.

This simple act of patting Marguerite's hand was the most loving act of compassion that I have ever experienced. This simple act spoke volumes. I felt so blessed to be a part of the love and healing that took place in that small room.

That was the most beautiful experience that I had during my trip to India. I think that I have hesitated to share this experience because it was so personal and I was afraid that I would not do it justice in describing it. Three Monks, thanks for giving me a reason to make the attempt.
What better time than the Christmas season to spread some love.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Journey Within Coaching Session With Paula Kawal

First of all, I want you to be aware of a teleclass that Andrea Hess is doing on Saturday, December 29 at 9:00 a.m. PST/Noon EST called Setting Your Intentions For 2008. Andrea says you will "Learn how to make New Year's Resolutions that actually stick!" I am looking forward to hearing what she has to say. You need to visit her site at http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?1=GTHya&m=1a06Jq4HPAarnP&b=yb3JTogckkgbrS_pq3zMyA
to register for the teleclass.


Yesterday at 1:00 p.m. CST, I was blessed with a free session with Paula Kawal which I won by leaving a comment on her article Celebrate the Wellspring and Win a Free Coaching Session found on her website http://www.paulakawal.com . If you aren't aware or haven't visited in awhile, visit Paula at her site. You will be glad that you did. The writing and the coaching sessions that she does are fantastic.

The session that I was gifted with is called a Focus Session. The session required that I have total concentration on our phone call for 1 1/2 - 2 hours on the date that we set for me to call Paula. After I set up the time for the session with Paula, I became terrified. I struggled with the terror for days with the thought of changing the date until after the holidays. The rational side of me knew that I needed the session right now so I didn't change the date. When Paula answered her phone and asked how I was, in my usual honest manner, I said, "I am terrified." We both laughed. I told her that I had been overeating all week partly because of the terror of doing this session.

Early last week, Paula sent me a Welcome package through an email that had pages of information for me to read and fill out and fax back to her before the session. She emailed me on Saturday because I hadn't sent it to her yet. I emailed back and told her that part of me was resisting filling out the forms. I made myself sit down that night and finish the pages. I didn't completely fill out the answers. I did the best that I could and decided to leave it at that. My husband went and faxed the pages to Paula on Sunday afternoon for me.

All day on Tuesday, before time for the session, I looked at what I was thinking and feeling. Finally an hour before the session, I got an answer about my fears. Albert, part of this is thanks to an email that you sent me last week too. I realized that the anger and sadness have been a part of me for such a long time that I was afraid of who I might be without them. I didn't know who I would be without those parts of me. I shared this with Paula before we started the session.

In the session, with Paula's guidance, I was able to embrace the sadness and the rage that are inside of me. As Andrea pointed out in a comment to my Feelings article found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/12/feelings.html , I am not the rage and sadness. They are not who I am. Sometimes, I think, most of us lose sight of that and do believe that our feelings are us. They are not who we really are. They are tools that help us to be aware, but that is all they are.

At one pivotal point in the session, I found myself embracing the part of me that holds my rage in my arms. I held her with love and compassion and she started to cry and talk to me. Before I held her, she was yelling at me with all of her pentup rage. I could see her, in my mind's eye, but I couldn't hear the words that she was screaming. I told Paula that I had done a painting years ago where she was surrounded by clouds of red and black which represented her rage and despair. In the painting she had no mouth because no one could hear her screams of pain and rage.

As I held Rage in my arms, she started to cry and she told me that she just wanted to be acknowledged. She wanted to be heard. A different voice said to bring her into the Light. She has been in the darkness for so long. I envisioned her and I both standing in the most brilliant, loving light that you can imagine. She started to smile. Then the voice said to bring in Sadness also. I did. The three of us were there standing in the Light, smiling and holding each other. This was the biggest instance of healing for me in the entire session. We all three felt such love and joy. Love, joy and peace were the three things that Rage and Sadness both said that they wanted. Now we all have it.

Rage and Sadness are no longer Shadow parts of me living in the darkness. They are in the Light of my love and compassion. Thank you so very much for the gift of the session Paula. If I need any more help, I will definitely be contacting you. Paula, last night, I started straightening up in the living room to have room to put up Christmas decorations. I haven't decided yet if I want to put up the tree at this late date but I am going to put out some Christmas decorations which, up to this point, I couldn't make myself exert the effort to feel any passion for doing so.

Paula works with NLP in her sessions. For more information on Paula's work go to http://www.journeyinwardcoaching.com/index-5.html .

For prices for working with Paula with her Journey Inward Coaching go to http://www.journeyinwardcoaching.com/index-2.html .

I strongly recommend Paula and her work. The session has made a difference in how I feel. Thank you, Paula.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Compassion Begins With Me

I just read an article called The perils of forced Compassion and Loving-Kindness, Part 1 which was written by Albert Foong of UrbanMonk.Net. The article is posted at http://www.urbanmonk.net/196/the-perils-of-forced-compassion-and-loving-kindness-part-1/

In the first part of Albert's article, he explains the statement of "Why we begin with ourselves". From my own experiences, I agree with Albert when he asks, "How can we give what we don't have?" My answer to that question is, "You can't. I know. I have tried to do just that."

For two years before we moved to Hot Springs, Arkansas, my husband and I were foster parents in two different group foster homes. In both homes, we were given a cottage of two - ten boys ages 7-18 years old. Most of the boys were 14-16 years old.

When my husband and I talked about working as foster parents, it was my idea originally. I envisioned us having a girls' cottage. I thought that I could help abused girls learn to love themselves. I thought that I could help them to grow into productive, happy young women who would find love and marriage and children in a Donna Reed/Father Knows Best kind of world. Those were TV shows from the 1950's that represented what the perfect family should be like. They showed what was supposed to be normal, loving, happy families who overcame life's struggles through the support of each other and their faith in God. They were "perfect" families. Not at all like the family that I grew up in.

I thought that if I could help others, then I would have value and everyone would love me because I was doing something special by helping these young girls from troubled homes. Boy, my ego sure sounds pompous even to me. Those were my thoughts back then when I was still looking for ways to feel good about who I was. I was still in denial of how I was being affected by my incest issues.

What I didn't know and the number one lesson that those two years taught me was that I couldn't help anyone until I helped myself. Those teenage boys mirrored my own inner demons of rage and hurt back to me. The main difference, probably the only difference, between me and those boys was that they used their internal rage to rebel against their parents and society. I suppressed mine until one of the boys would act out his rage and then my rage was right there in my face in all of its full-blown strength. I didn't want to see my rage, at that time. I just wanted to deny it and keep it hidden from the world so that I could keep my halo in place. I wanted everyone to see that I was a good little girl. I wanted approval.

Thank you, boys, for teaching me about myself and my rage. That part of my journey prepared me for the next step when I decided that I needed to work on me. Until I loved myself, I couldn't really love anyone else. As Albert's article says, until I felt compassion for myself, I couldn't feel it for anyone else either.

The second part of Albert's article is entitled Loving your enemy. I was my own worst enemy as long as I was a volcano of emotion waiting to explode. Loving any other enemy wasn't possible until I loved myself.

At different times in my life, I tried to forgive my sexual abusers. There was more than one. I didn't know how to protect myself so I attracted several abusers. Most of the time that I tried to do forgiveness was because of a sermon at church that said that I should forgive them. I cried so many tears and thought I had found another area that I was flawed in because I couldn't forgive. I have done four articles on Forgiveness previous to writing this article.

The first article is called Forgiveness, Done In Layers and found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/forgiveness-done-in-layers.html

The second article is called Happy Father's Day, Daddy and found at
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/happy-fathers-day-daddy.html

The third article is called Forgiveness Is For You, Not The Other Person and found at
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/forgiveness-is-for-you-not-the-other-person.html

The fourth article is called Prelude To Forgiveness and found at
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/prelude-to-forgiveness.html

True forgiveness did not come until I chose to forgive myself of my real and imagined transgressions. The first person that I forgave, after myself, was my dad. I looked at what I knew of my dad's childhood and saw him as an angry, hurt little boy. I am not excusing what he did. I chose to see the hurting person inside of him. Because I could feel compassion for myself, I could feel it for the wounded person that my dad was. I now know that he was also just a mirror for my own woundedness.

My mother, who was the co-dependent, emotionally shut-down parent was harder for me to forgive. Forgiveness for my mom could only come after I looked at all of the ways that she used passive-agressive behavior to control people and situations. My dad was openly aggressive with his rage. My mom's rage was buried deeper and made me question was I imagining what she was doing. That kind of behavior can make you feel crazy until you see it for what it is. As a woman and mother, my mom was the main role model for me becoming a woman and mother. I couldn't forgive her until I was willing to forgive the same things in me.

In some ways, I became both of my parents in my sometimes openly aggressive behavior and at other times with my passive-aggressive behaviors. Both were extremes and very unheathy. As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I learned that doing extremes is a characteristic of many Adult Children. Those were my experiences of how to deal with my rage. There was no balance.

The openly aggressive rage came out when my volcano of emotions refused to be suppressed even one second longer. My passive-aggressive rage came out in the form of sarcasm. I played word games in my mind and verbally allowing my ego to build itself up and feel superior to others by tearing people down with my words. Who did the sarcasm hurt the most? Me. Most of my "victims" didn't even know that they had been wounded (or so I thought) because I was so clever with words. I was a master of sarcasm. I thank God that I woke up to the harm that I was doing to myself and others. I realized that I didn't feel respect for myself or for anybody else. I slowly changed that by becoming more conscious of what I said. I am still working on mastering letting go of sarcastic thoughts.

I recognised neither of those ways of dealing with my rage until I discovered the 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon. Those two groups of people and the 12-Steps which were adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous taught me that everything begins with me to paraphrase Albert's third section of his article which says, "Start within you."

"Compassion begins from the heart" is the final section of Albert's article. Albert, this is one of those articles that you write so well that spoke to my heart and pulled these words of response out of me.

Compassion really does come from a heart that has learned to love---first and foremost, to love oneself. Real compassion enables you to release anger, hurt, and sometimes tears. Real compassion has no judgments against you or others. Real compassion allows you to see the other person or the circumstances as your teacher, not as someone who intentionally or even unintentionally hurt you. Real compassion allows you to connect with the oneness of all. It allows your inner light to reach out to others in love and kindness. Real compassion allows you to see all of the other person, warts and all, and allows you to choose to love that person anyway. It allows you to see the other person's pain. I know that my dad's rage came from the hurt and angry child that he was inside. I know that my mom carried a very frightened little girl inside of her. I know that, even with all of the spiritual growth that I have done in my life, I still carry around an angry little girl and a very frightened little girl inside of me. Neither one of them is as angry or as frightened as they used to be. They are both learning to play and be children. That is part of my healing journey. Want to go outside and play? These inner children are where some of my greatest moments of creativity come from.

No one can hurt me, unless I allow them to. Forced compassion isn't real compassion. Look at your reasons for pretending to offer compassion. If you want to be compassionate because the church or people expect you to, or because the Bible tells you that you should, none of that works. These reasons just give you more reasons to beat yourself up, to hate yourself, to call yourself all of the nasty names that your inner critic can think of. Hit the stop button on the remote control of your inner critic. Real compassion starts with being compassionate with yourself. Offer compassion to yourself and the love then will flow from your heart to others.

This article and Albert's article are just further lessons for me about compassion. When I was in India recently, Compassion was one of runes that I drew the most frequently in my daily reading from The Healing Runes. The rune of Compassion was my sign to be compassionate with myself and my own healing journey and to extend that compassion to all others that I came into contact with.

From The Healing Runes, written by Ralph H. Blum and Susan Loughan, St. Martin's Press, New York, 1997, page 116-117: "It has been said that when we have compassion for one another, we shall be of one mind. For in living a compassionate life, we are practicing the Presence of God in a simple and universal way. Drawing this Rune reminds us to take time to show compassion for those we meet on our healing journey." The reading goes on to say that we can show compassion through service.

The Rune says that you may be required at this time to recognise something that you have long denied and reminds you to have compassion for yourself as you face this challenge. In India, I came face to face with some of my grief and was able, through compassion for myself, to release the grief through the release of healing tears.

The Rune also says that a physical healing often comes about through compassion for yourself. On one side of Compassion is Fear. One the other side is The Divine. ". . .Fear, passing through the prism of Compassion, is transformed into the energy and radiance of Love." Look at the world around you through the eyes of Compassion.

Albert, thanks for the Link Love and the inspiration for this article. Albert's article can be found at http://www.urbanmonk.net/196/the-perils-of-forced-compassion-and-loving-kindness-part-1/