The Blessings Of Surviving Incest

"Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it."
                                             ---Buddha

I do believe this. I would never wish that another human being experience the abuse of incest that I went through and I know that without my own experiences, I would not be who I am today. I would not have the strength, courage or compassion that I have today. I would not have the ability to offer hope to other survivors. I would not have the wisdom of surviving that I have today. I would not have the stubbornness that refuses to give up even on the hardest of days.


"I Regret 
Nothing in my life
even if my past
was full of hurt,
I still look back & 
smile,
Because
It made me who i am 
today."
                         ---www.omtimes.com  as shared on Facebook

Here is my response to reading the above quote:

I love who I am today. Without the incest, I have no idea who I would be today. I have chosen to take the bad and turn it into sometime good - a me that I can be proud of - full of love and compassion for my fellow human beings. My strength comes from surviving what I experienced as a child. My courage comes from facing my fears and, believe me, they were many more than people looking at me today can see. My compassion for myself and for others comes from my past hurts. I don't want anyone else to hurt like I once did and for those who are hurting today, I can honestly say, "I know what that feels like." 

I expect honesty out of myself and anyone that I trust because as a child there were so many lies from the adults in my life. Once you have earned my trust, I trust you completely. If you betray that trust, I will walk away and not look back. 

Helping other survivors and sharing my story is the best way I know of to bring good out of the abuse.  Being able to help other survivors to heal brings meaning to my life. I have met some of the most amazing people because of becoming an advocate for children and other survivors. 

My world today is rich with friendships and family that I love. Many of those friendships are because of my advocacy work. I love you all. You inspire me to never give up and to keep taking the next step forward in whatever direction it takes me. I know that I am not alone. Neither are you.
Patricia

Incest, Healing And Moving Forward

I was in a conversation on Facebook a few days ago that stemmed from the following quote by Dr. Steve Maraboli. Here is the quote:

"THE TRUTH IS, 
unless you let go,
unless you forgive yourself,
unless you forgive the situation,
unless you realize that that situation is over.
YOU CANNOT MOVE FORWARD."

Here is what I said when I posted this quote on my Facebook page.

"For small situations, you can move through to moving forward pretty quickly. As an incest survivor, the process of moving through the feelings, forgiving myself and my abusers, letting go of it all has been a lengthy process that has taken years. There were many people who told me to move on, let it go, before I was able to. The truth is that letting go can take a long time sometimes. Talking about it, writing about it has brought it out into the open and out of the darkness of silence and abuse. In talking about it and healing my issues, I refused to be a victim any longer. Today I am moving from survivor to thriver and that is a very good thing."

Someone told me it takes courage to not let the incest define me. I do use the label of incest survivor in reaching out to others and in sharing my story, but I do not define myself as what happened to me as a child. I am so far beyond being that person that was molded by the hurt, the abuse and the betrayals. Working through the issues from the incest does not mean that I am stuck. I am moving forward, even today, years after starting my healing journey. Anyone that knows me well knows how far I have come from who I used to be.
 
I don't see myself as stuck in the past. I use that past to help others and I am still moving forward in my life each day. Child abuse has been ignored for so long and the only way that I see to stop it is to openly acknowledge it and to educate others. Instead of being silent about my own past abuse, I use it to let others know that they are not alone and can also heal. It is through silence that child abuse has been allowed to continue and flourish for so long and become an epidemic in our world.

Someone suggested to me this week that writing and talking about the incest can keep me trapped into identifying with the past situation and keep me stuck in my story. She suggested that I close that book and that I write a whole new story.  

Why would I want to disconnect from who I am? My story is a big part of who I am. My life is a story of success and others have told me, of inspiration. Why would I not want to share that with others who are hurting and think they can't ever get over it. I know that they can, with time and effort on their part. Sometimes you have to hurt enough before you are willing to move forward.

Incest isn't all of who I am. Everything that happens to me affects who I am. I don't know who I would be without the incest. I don't ever intend to shut up about incest and how it affected me as a child. 

If we don't educate people, who will. The child molesters will continue to abuse more children. Abusers thrive in the silence. They count on the silence of those that they abuse. They count on the subject to continue to be taboo in society. The silence gives them free reign to do what they want. I refuse to be silenced again.
Patricia

Inner Child Work And Feeling Safe

It seems that I am doing some inner child work lately. As I talked about in recent articles, my inner child does not feel safe right now. The only reason that I can come up with is writing my book has opened her up to all kinds of fears. Fear of being exposed to the world, on a bigger scale, as an incest survivor; breaking the bonds of silence in a new, bigger way; being vulnerable to so many strangers; being open to recalling new memories. All of it feels overwhelming to her. I can feel her fear and see her shaking.  I wonder if her fear is what is causing my headaches, in an effort to get me to stop writing but I am not going to do that. I can acknowledge her fears but I won't give in to them. If I gave into fear, I would never have left home when I did at 19. I would have never broken the silence of incest. I would never had told my dad that he wasn't safe to be in my life or around my children. I would never have written the first blog article or talked on the first radio program several years ago.

I see how far I have come today and I am proud of the courage that I have. I will keep facing my fears as they come up and I will assure my inner child that she is safe. I will pay attention to what her feelings tell me. And I will continue to write.

I have decided that something that might help is to go back and reread the book Recovery of Your Inner Child: The highly acclaimed method for liberating your inner self written by Lucia Capacchione, Ph. D., Published by Simon & Schuster, New York, NY: 1991.  This book taught me the importance of writing with my non-dominant hand in order to give my inner child a voice. I haven't done any of that kind of writing in many years. Maybe that will give me some answers to what is going on right now rather than me just guessing.

One thing that I learned is that the inner child is the keeper of my creativity. I realized recently that it was her fear that was blocking me from writing. When I faced that fear, the words started to flow again.

Another book that helped me with inner child work is an affirmations book that I have recently shared from, here in my blog. The book is called Affirmations For The Inner Child written by Rokelle Lerner. This book takes you throughout the year with an affirmation to be read for each day of the year.  I wanted to share the affirmation with you from March 3 on Safety.

"It is safe for my inner child to emerge.

The child within runs and hides when someone wants to come close. He lets himself be seen only for a short time, then gets frightened and runs away to hide again. He wants so much to be loved, to play, to experience the goodness of life. But life is too scary. Indeed, life has never been safe for him.

It is time to make life safe for my inner child and I have the power to create a safe haven. Safety brings freedom not only to accept and love myself but also to love others.

As I concentrate on making a safe haven for my inner child, I will be aware of my friends, old and new. I will choose friends who are emotionally healthy or moving on the journey toward wholeness. It is within the loving bonds of friendship that my inner child can come out and learn to feel safe."

Another friend of mine who is working with inner child issues is Mary Graziano. I want to share the link to one of her blog posts called "Memories Still Do Hurt."
 
http://nippercats.blogspot.com/2014/03/inner-child-is-hurting.html

I hope that all of you are having a good week. Keep telling yourself that Spring is just around the corner. I think most of us are tired of old man Winter.
Patricia

 

Lucinda Bassett Truth Be Told Book Review

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
                 ---Nelson Mandela

My introduction to Lucinda Bassett came recently when she reached out to me and asked if I would be interested in being interviewed on her radio program. Of course, I said yes. I was talking to a new audience of listeners about being an adult child of an alcoholic and also about healing from incest. Here is the link to that interview if you missed it:

http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/12/revisiting-my-interview-on-la-talk-live.html

Lucinda Bassett's book Truth Be Told: A Memoir of Success, Suicide, and Survival will be available to buy on March 5, 2013. I was asked to write a book review. What I know from reading just the Prologue and Introduction of the book is that Lucinda is a courageous woman who cares very deeply about her family. When you lose a loved one to death of any kind, you hurt. When your loved one commits suicide, so many questions are left unanswered. So many words are left unsaid. I can only imagine the hurt that Lucinda and her children feel over the suicide of her husband and their father.

Lucinda talks about the cycle of  guilt-blame-anger-and-shame that she as a survivor of someone else's suicide feels every time she is reminded of her husband and the fact that he took his own life. The prologue to the book was written only three years after his death. Feelings are still fresh and very painful for Lucinda while her children are still in the denial stage of grief. Being young, her children just don't want to deal with the death of their dad. Anger is quick to flare.

In the Introduction of her book, Lucinda starts out by quoting Mother Teresa when she says,

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.
     I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

Sometimes I, too, have felt that way in wanting to wish away some of my troubles. Sometimes it just seems like too much for one person to bear. Lucinda is here today as a survivor, stronger because of the experience, knowing more about herself because of the pain and the healing. Through the growing and the healing, Lucinda is now able to reach out and to help other survivors through her books and her radio program. 


Lucinda doesn't call herself a Lightworker, but I do. She expresses that she feels she is "supposed to share what I have learned with others. Others who stand in fear, unable to function, destroyed by some unbearable trauma, believing there is no light at the end of the tunnel---no help, no hope, no happiness. So here I stand once again, humbled and open, sharing my life experience with you...for it is now an open book. If I can come out sane and grateful to be here, you can too." (Prologue, page 4). I can't think of a better description of what I and other survivors do when we share our Light to let others know there is a way out of the darkness of despair and pain.

Lucinda Bassett is a true survivor. I look forward to reading the rest of her book Truth Be Told: A Memoir of Success, Suicide, and Survival when it is published in March 2013. I hope you will join me in reading her book when it comes out.

You can follow Lucinda Bassett on Twitter at this link:   http://www.twitter.com/lbtruthbetold

Lucinda Bassett is on Facebook at the link:    http://www.facebook.com/lbtruthbetold

Lucinda Bassett is on YouTube at the following link:    http://www.youtube.com/lbtruthbetold

I hope that you all had a glorious Christmas season. Mine ended a little earlier than planned because of Winter Storm Euclid blowing through Arkansas on Christmas day leaving us with between four to seven and a half inches of snow in our yard. I walked around with a measuring stick to see how much snow we got. We also have a neighbor's tree laying across our fence in our back yard. We were blessed that we didn't lose our electricity as some of my friends who are on Day 4 with no power did. Most of the snow melted yesterday and today. Tonight's temperature is supposed to be back down to 18 degrees. I am glad that my husband and I got home around noon on Christmas day before the snow started.

Happy New Year to all. May 2013 be the best year ever for all of us.
Patricia

Time Does Not Heal All The Wounds Of Incest

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.'
I do not agree.
The wounds remain. In time, the mind,
protecting its sanity,
covers them with scar tissue
and the pain lessens.
But it is never gone."
    - Rose Kennedy -

I borrowed this quote, with permission, from http://facebook.com/groups/rapesurvivorsunite . The page is called Rape Survivors Unite.

I don't get angry when I hear someone say, "time heals all wounds." but in my mind I add the words, "unless you are a child abuse or incest victim/survivor." I don't get angry at these people because I know they are well-intensioned and probably feel helpless in the face of the horrors of child abuse and incest. Just imagine how those of us who have lived through child abuse or incest must feel. We don't need platitudes from well-meaning people. We need authentic love and support and we need to be believed when we tell our stories.

I have never questioned whether my memories are true, but some survivors do. I have too many memories of being told I was going somewhere with my dad in his truck. I lived with the knowledge and stress of knowing that before we came home my dad would find some quiet dirt road or an empty pasture to pull into to rape me before returning home to pretend that nothing had happened and to pretend that everything was normal.

For a long time, I didn't call the sexual abuse by its name of rape. I always thought of rape as being physically violent. Someone then told me that rape happened anytime you are threatened or coerced into having sex that you didn't want and that you didn't give permission for. Incest with a child by an adult counts as rape because a child can't give his or her permission to be sexually violated. My emotional scars are much deeper than any physical scars might be. Physical scars affect your body and eventually fade and disappear. Emotional scars are much harder to heal and may never completely go away. As Rose Kennedy says the pain lessens but the scars are still there.

I would love to believe that "time heals all wounds." Incest and rape affect your mind, emotions, and your body on so many levels. Some levels heal quickly. Others don't. At almost 61 years old, I am still waiting to see if time heals all. I have been doing this healing work since 1989. If I lived to be 1000 years old, I might could say "time heals all wounds." So far time has not healed all of my wounds.

When I was 38 years old in 1989, I finally had the courage to open the door to incest and to look it in the face. I didn't know, that at almost 61, I would still be working to clean out that room of issues. The cleaning out is still taking place but isn't as intense or of long duration now but it is still going on. Because of my own healing journey, I know that your life can get better. Mine is so much better now than it has ever been. The support and love of my husband is the greatest blessing that has enabled me to work on my own healing. I love you, Daniel.
Patricia

Jerry Sandusky's Victim #1 Is Hero #1 For All Survivors Of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Last week I watched a show about Jerry Sandusky's Victim #1 on 20/20 which introduced the world to a courageous young man whose name is Aaron Fisher. All through the Sandusky trial he was known only as Victim #1. Now the world knows who this young survivor of childhood sexual abuse is. I am posting the following link for anyone who missed the program so that you can go and watch it.

The program addresses how Aaron's mom fully supported him after the secrets of the abuse were revealed to her. I hope the the producers of the program will pursue the people who turned Aaron and his mom away with statements like:

Go home and think about it. (school principal)

Only one account of childhood sexual abuse is not enough to arrest or convict Jerry Sandusky. (Police and District Attorney)

These are not put into parentheses because they are my rewording of what was told to Aaron and his mother when they confronted the school prinicpal, the police and the district attorney.

Why did it take three years before Jerry Sandusky was arrested? Why did Aaron Fisher have to wait that long for justice? What did that tell him about the Jerry Sandusky's of the world and our justice system? Can you imagine how defeated Aaron and his mother felt but instead of giving up, they got angry and fought harder to bring a sexual preditor to jail. That is why Aaron and his mom are my heroes. Only another survivor of childhood sexual abuse can know the courage that it took on Aaron's part to tell anyone about his abuse.

Thank you Aaron, Aaron's mom and the reporter and producers of 20/20 for giving Aaron and his story the justice that he deserves. Aaron, you will never know how many other survivors will now step forward and tell their stories because of your courage and persistance in getting justice for yourself.

Sandusky Case: Victim 1 Speaks - Video - ABC News

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/video/sandusky-penn-state-football-coach-victim-child-abuse-rape-sex-parenting-2020-17523489#.UIMRx4N-248.email

Click on Watch The Full Episode.

If you haven't seen this video, please watch it.
Patricia
 

Journey To Your Heart - Learning To Love Yourself After Abuse

One of my favorite affirmation books that I have used over the years of my healing journey is Melody Beattie's Journey to the Heart: Daily Meditations on the Path to Freeing Your Soul.  The meditation for January 8 is entitled "Love Yourself Until It's Real." I am going to share just a little of Ms Beattie's wisdom from that page:

"Self-love means loving and accepting yourself, your thoughts, beauty, emotions, your faults, imperfections, and flaws, your strengths, wit, wisdom, as well as your peculiar and unique way of seeing the world. . .

Loving yourself means accepting and loving each and every part of you, and knowing---knowing---that you are worthy, valuable, and lovable. It means loving and accepting yourself when you're surrounded by people who love you, and during those times when you think everyone's gone away, when you wonder if God's gone away too."

. . . .

"Sometimes, loving ourselves means accepting ourselves enough to tell ourselves other people like us and approve of us. Sometimes loving ourselves means approving of ourselves, even when they don't. It takes courage to stop cowering and openly love, accept, and approve of ourselves.

Don't just say the words. Love yourself until you experience that love."


Loving yourself is the real beginning of healing from abuse of any kind.  When you truly love yourself, you no longer allow anyone to abuse you, not even yourself. Loving yourself means you feel your own self-worth and you stop the negative voices in your head that said you deserved to be abused. You no longer believe that the abuse was your fault or that you attracted it.

Loving yourself means forgiving yourself for whatever negative thoughts that you believed about yourself. Recognize that many of those negative thoughts came from your abusers or your parents or your teachers. They weren't even your thoughts until someone in authority put them in your head.

Love yourself whether you think anyone else does or not. When you love yourself, you teach others how to love you too.  Be kind to yourself like you would be kind to others. Laugh at yourself and don't take life so seriously. Learn to recognize when you are stressing out. Breathe and relax. Remember to play as you did as a child. Being childlike is different than being childish. Enjoy spending time alone and listen for the inner voice that you all have. Make time to spend with family and friends who help you to feel good about yourself.

In 12-Step programs, you are told "Fake it 'til you make it." Do that with loving yourself until loving yourself becomes real. Pay attention to your thoughts and how you feel about yourself as you go through each day. Remember that how you treat yourself teaches others how to treat you. Give yourself time. Life, as well as healing, is a journey. Instant fixes don't work when it comes to healing from abuse and neglect from childhood. You are worth the time and the effort that it takes to heal. Learning to love yourself is the best gift that you can give yourself or your children.
Patricia

Owning My Personal Power - Insights

Owning my personal power is something that I feel like it has taken me years to do. In the beginning, I had no idea what personal power was. If I had any, where was it? What was it? How was it going to change my life?

As a child and a victim of incest, I felt like only my abusers had any power. When I tried to be powerful and not afraid, the abusers quickly made sure that I was put back in my place. I was always afraid of other people - afraid to speak out about the abuse, afraid to speak up and call attention to myself, afraid that if people knew about the incest they would blame me and call me trash, whore, tramp. I was afraid I would die from the shame if others knew. From that position of victim, I couldn't see that I had any power. Those thoughts continued into my adulthood.

As a survivor, I had to work hard to discover who I was. Knowing who I was didn't come easy. As a child of incest, I forgot all of that in order to stay sane and to stay alive. I did a lot of trial and error, as a survivor, starting with recognizing the things that I didn't like and didn't want in my life. As a child who saw only negatives from the surrounding adults, how could I possibly, as an adult, automatically know about positives in life? I didn't.  All I could connect with, in the beginning, was what I didn't like. After acknowledging and letting go of the negatives for awhile, I could begin to see positive things happening in my life. I could begin to acknowledge,
"Yes, I like this."
"Yes, this feels good."
"Yes, I want this in my life." and finally,
"Yes, I deserve to have this good in my life. I deserve to not have to constantly struggle and be disappointed in myself, others and life in general."

Then there was room to see the positives in my life and in who I was. That change started with learning to love myself and forgiving myself for my reactions to the abuse or to the triggers in life. I could change from reacting to acting which meant letting go of the need for drama and really, fully living my life without the hyper vigilance of my childhood and the stress that went with it. I could find real calmness and peace within myself rather than just the surface calm that most people saw in me.

As a thriver, I am coming into my own power and glorying in it. I am a person of great value. We all are. I am not a victim and I am more than just a survivor.

Owning my own power means I can be me, whoever that is. Shining my Light for everyone to see, loving myself in all of my perfection and imperfections, loving and nurturing all of my inner children while not allowing them to control my adult life, truly loving all of me, even the shadow parts - this is owning my power in all of its fullness. Being able to say, "I am sorry." and then changing any behaviors of mine that have been inappropriate or dysfunctional is a step to owning my personal power. Letting others see me in my imperfections takes courage that I seem to have plenty of. As a child, I didn't think that I was courageous at all. I was. Courage is needed to survive incest. Even more courage is needed to become a survivor and even to thrive and I am worth it. So are each of you who are reading my words today. I encourage you to look for your own courage. It is there inside of you. Be brave. You can do it. I am no different than any other thriver who has been through the fires of incest and has come out the other side.

This article was inspired by a comment that I left on the blog of a friend, Sophie whose blog post "Owning my Power" you will find at the following link:

http://www.attunementsforthesoul.com/owning-my-power

Thank you Sophie for the inspiration and for your blog Attunements For The Soul.
Patricia

My One Word For 2011 Is Exploration

I recently read a blog post by From Tracie called "One Word:  Courage."  You can find the post at the following link:

http://www.fromtracie.com/2011/01/one-word-courage.html

I also found the blog Grit & Glory which is where the One Word 2011 mission started.  You can find the blog at the following link:

http://www.gritandglory.com/one-word-2011

My one word to focus on for 2011 is "Exploration."  How did I get the word?  After reading Tracie's blog about her one word - Courage - I asked myself what my one word for 2011 would be?  The word that I got was "Exploration." 

As a Saggittarian, I love to explore and make new discoveries in the world and about myself.   So this year, I will focus on finding and exploring those new facets of my life and my world.  That could mean meeting new people, going new places, or it could mean reconnecting with some old parts of myself that haven't been around or acknowledged for many, many years.  Exploring the outer and inner world of Patricia Caldwell Singleton is a good thing for me to focus on this year. 

Though my blog, you are invited to come along for my year of exploration in 2011.  Do you have some exploring of your own to do, some new doors to open, some new friends to meet, some new activities to learn how to do? What is your one word for 2011?
Patricia

Dear Family Member - Notification About Incest Happening In Family

April 24, 1992
Dear Family Member:

It is nice to feel that I have a family and roots again after so many years of feeling alone and empty.  For years, I cut myself off from any attachment to my "Caldwell" side of the family.  I now know that this was the only way I could deal with the pain of Dad's betrayal of me as a child.  To survive and try to lead a nearly normal adult life I had to disconnect from my painful past and any reminders of it.  My family was a very strong reminder of that past.

For over three years I have been dealing with that painful past---working through my anger and grief---and learning to let go of it.  For what I am about to tell you, I don't want your pity or your anger.  I don't need you to react at all.  I am doing this for me and for no one else.  I do hope that I can have your support in my working through this.

I know that some of you may be disbelieving and some of you may be angry that I am just now revealing this and you want to know why after all these years of being quiet that I am now stirring up all this trouble.  I am not doing this to cause trouble or to seek revenge.  I am doing this as a further step in my recovery.  I am refusing to keep silent and to carry the burden of this secret anymore.  It has become too heavy.  Too much of my life has been harmed by it.  I still have a lot of anger to deal with over this and to deal with it, the reasons have to brought out into the open.  I don't want another generation of children to suffer because of our silence and it will continue to happen unless we speak out and others have the awareness to deal with it.  Secrecy hurts too many people.

Most of you know that Daddy has a drinking problem.  For my own self, I choose to give it a name---alcoholism.  No one else has to agree with me.  I won't argue over this point.  It is strictly my opinion.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

I thought about talking about this to some of you at the recent Family Reunion, but I decided to just enjoy the day instead.  I have worked hard this year and deserved to have that day to savor the pleasant memories and feelings of love that I felt from each of you.  This was an important day for me.

I don't make any apology to anyone for the feelings that you have as you read this.  This is a family secret that must be exposed for what it is---dangerous and deadly to our children and their self-esteem.

Some of you wonder why [my sister], [my brother] and I aren't close to the family anymore.  I can't speak for [my brother].  I don't know his reasons.  [My sister] is afraid of Daddy and refuses to be around him or to allow her children contact with him.  I don't want him in my life or in my children's lives.  I won't let him continue to abuse me.

I won't tell you [my brother's] or [my sister's] story.  I will only tell you mine.  I won't go into details here.  That would take to long.  I've already written more than I thought I would.

Starting at least by the age of eleven years old, I was sexually abused by Daddy.  I don't have memories of it starting earlier than that, but it may have.  Some of the work that I have done leads me to believe that I may have been as young as eight or nine years old.  You can't imagine the emotional pain I have gone through because of this.  Do you know what it is like to hate the parent that you also love and have to depend upon for your very survival?  When I was seventeen years old, I reached the point of having the courage to say no to Daddy.  If the abuse had continued, I would have lost my sanity.  I knew that.  I never again let Daddy abuse me.  I think he was afraid I would tell if he continued to push me.  He left me alone physically, but the emotional abuse continued until I left home at the age of nineteen.  I knew that was my one and only chance to get out from under his control. Living with Dad was like having a dictator tell you everything you could do or not do.  I never learned to make decisions or to think for myself until I was a Junior in college.  I know that God was with me and keeping me sane.  He gave me the courage to do what I had to do.  He allowed me to find the people that I needed to guide me in the right direction at each crucial point in my life.  I have a husband who loves me and has tried to be understanding of all that I have gone through.  That hasn't always been easy.  Dan has allowed me the space to find out who I am.  For me, the process has been both painful and joyful.

I like who I am today.  I am at a good place in my life.  I have told Mom about the abuse just this month.  She says she didn't know or she would have stopped it.  She was as much under Dad's control as I was.  I have made my peace with her.  I haven't confronted Dad yet, because when I try to contact him person to person he disappears.  I have written a letter to him giving him back responsibility for his actions.  This step will close a chapter in my life.  This is a positive step for me.  It has been a long journey to reach this healthy point in my life.

I hope that each of you can still welcome me to future Family Reunions with the same enthusiasm as you did this year.  Family means a lot to me.  I love everyone of you.  Please help me to bring awareness to our next generation of children so the hurt and the abuse can be stopped at least for this family.  I love you all.
Patricia Caldwell Singleton


I didn't use my brother or my sister's names here as I did in the original letters.  I have been searching for my copy of this letter for over a year and could not find it.  My sister a few weeks ago called me and asked me if I would like to have her copy of the letter.  She didn't know that I had been looking for my copy.  Thanks, Sis for giving me your copy.  She also gave me her copy of the copy letter written to her and my brother telling them that they were getting their copy of the "Dear Family Member" letter two weeks before I mailed them out to everyone else.  I wrote the above letter on April 24, 1992 but my sister's letter was written on June 10, 1992 so I apparently took a few months after writing the "Dear Family Member" letter before I mailed them out to my dad's brothers and sisters.  I chose not to send a copy to my grandmother because she was elderly and in poor health.  I didn't want to hurt her with the knowledge of her sons actions.  I told each of my aunts and uncles that it was their choice as to whether or not they shared the contents of my letter with their children, most of whom are my age and older.  I don't know if they did or not.  No one ever said anything to me about it.  One of my nephews recently told me he had read his dad's letter when he was a teenager.  My youngest niece recently read her mom's copy before my sister gave the letter to me. 

I look forward to hearing from you letting me know what you think about my letter.
Patricia

"The Patricia Singleton Story" Update

My radio interview done by Cyrus Webb of Conversations Live! Radio on BlogTalkRadio on Thursday, April 29, 2010 was a big success.  If you still haven't listened to the interview, you can click on the following link and go and do that now, if you would like to.  When you click on the link, you should go there immediately and the program should open itself onto the interview.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/conversationslive/2010/04/29/cyrus-webb-presents-the-patricia-singleton-story-o

My family and I left town for an extended weekend early Friday morning through early Sunday evening.  While I was gone, people continued to go to Conversations Live! Radio and listen to the interview all weekend long.  When I got home about 8:00 p.m., I had a Tag on Facebook from Cyrus telling me that the interview had already been downloaded over 1,000 times. 

I am in awe that 1,000 people took the time to download the interview and listen to it in only 3 days time.  That is fantastic.  Thank you all.  I have heard through emails and Facebook from quite a few of you letting me know that you liked the interview.  One friend even told me that I sounded very professional.  Several of you have told me that you thought I did a great job of speaking and telling my story.  Thank you.

After Cyrus and I finished the interview on Thursday, I tried listening to it probably three or four times that evening and for some reason, I could not get it to open.  I didn't have much time to devote to it right then because my family and I were packing and getting ready to leave town for an extended weekend in Texas.  When I got home last night (Sunday), I had so many emails to go through in addition to unpacking, I didn't try to access the interview then.  After sending a note to a friend asking for help in connecting to the interview (Thank you, Dan.), I decided to try it one more time on my own.  When I clicked on the above link, it opened immediately. 

I listened to the taped interview for the first time since the actual interview itself.  I was amazed at how smoothly the interview seemed to go.  I loved all of my responses to Cyrus' questions.  I used the word "uh" too many times for a professional speaker, but I am not a professional speaker.  Everytime I used it, I was thinking about what I wanted to say next.  I didn't hear a word of Fantasia's song during the interview.  I was too busy thinking about the next question that Cyrus was going to ask me after the song finished.  I was more comfortable with talking by the time that Whitney Houston's song came along.  I loved what Whitney  kept saying in her song - "I didn't know my own strength."  That is definitely true for me and for many of the incest survivors that I know. 

I remember the silences between me speaking and Cyrus asking the next question seemed much longer when I was doing the interview than it did when I was listening to the recorded interview.  I sounded much calmer in the recording than I actually felt while I was doing the interview.  I was afraid that my voice would tremble like I was trembling inside.  I am usually nervous and very stressed before doing something like this and then once I start to talk the nerves go away.  I have never done an interview before.  I have shared small parts of my story in 12-Step groups and I was even the featured Guest Speaker back in 1990 or 1992 at a 12-Step Club's Anniversary Celebration.  This interview was different in that the inner trembling never stopped.  I was conscious of it the whole time.  I realized that my trembling was a sign of just how important this interview was to me.  It is one of the most important events in my life.  At the time, I did not realize how far Cyrus' radio program Conversations Live! Radio reach is in the world of radio.  No one told me that some call Cyrus, the male Oprah of the Radio world.  I am glad that no one told me before hand.  The night before the interview, Cyrus and I talked through emails.  He was wonderful at calming my fears.  He told me to look at the radio interview as just a quiet conversation among friends.  I found comfort in that.  Thank you, Cyrus.

After listening to the interview tonight, I remembered to tell God "Thank you" also.  Before the interview, I had asked Him/Her for guidance in what I would say in response to Cyrus' questions.  God did a wonderful job in helping me to say what I needed to say in the interview.  I told a friend that God really did a great job of giving me what I had asked for.  The interview isn't the first time that God has made me wait to hear something because Divine timing wasn't quite right yet.  When I tried to listen to the interview on Thursday night, no matter what I did, it would not open.  Earlier tonight, I clicked on the link above and the interview opened immediately.  I didn't have to do anything extra to get it to open.  It worked without any interference from me.  I wasn't meant to hear the interview for whatever reason until tonight. 

I was very pleased with my efforts in this interview.  If you ever get a chance to be interviewed by Cyrus Webb, jump on it.  He is an excellent interviewer.  He does his homework and comes prepared with questions that need to be asked and answered.  The questions can be complicated and can really make you think before you answer them.  That is as it should be.  I hope that this interview will have a quite profound effect on other incest survivors and that it may give them the courage to speak out and break their own silence about abuse.  I hope that just one person will hear my words and say that sounds familiar.  They may recognize the signs in some child and ask if that child is being abused.  They may have the courage to call the authorities and say, "I think this child may be being abused.  Will you check it out?" 

This interview is one of the proudest moments of my life.  If you haven't already listened to it, I hope that you will go to the link now and listen to it.  The interview will be archived so that you can always go to the link below and listen to the interview.   Here is the link again.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/conversationslive/2010/04/29/cyrus-webb-presents-the-patricia-singleton-story-o

After you have listened to the interview, I hope that you will come back here and leave me a comment to let me know what you think.  I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
Patricia

Dysfunctional Family Systems

There is an interesting conversation going over at Emerging From Broken.  You will find this article at the following link http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=796 .  Several of the comments at the end of the article are mine.  This article is going to be an edited version of one of my comments plus some others thoughts that I have had on the topic of Dysfunctional Family Systems.

There are quite a number of books written on the topic.  I visited Amazon.com earlier to see what was available and quit after page 17 of the list.  Two of the best, in my opinion are Healing The Child Within:  Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, written by Charles L. Whitfield and Healing the Shame That Binds You, written by John Bradshaw.  Two others that were life savers for me are both by the same author Melody Beattie Codependent No More and her second book called Beyond Codependency.  I highly recommend each of these four books.

This is just a small definition of what it means to grow up in a dysfunctional family system.  For more information, read any of the four books that I mentioned above. 

In dysfunctional families, the individual members don't talk about what is wrong or what's missing from the family system, things like communication and trust.  They don't usually love themselves.  Sometimes there is neglect of individual needs.  The child doesn't have a healthy adult to model how to take care of themselves so the child doesn't learn this.

In some dysfunctional family systems, there are secrets that everybody knows but nobody talks about.  In my family that secret was alcoholism.  In A.A. and Al-Anon, they call this having an elephant in your living room that nobody wants to see.  The elephant (alcoholism in my family) is there.  Everyone walks around it like it isn't there.  Nobody talks about it.  Another secret that some of my family members either knew about or suspected was incest.  Everybody knows not to talk to outsiders about what is really going on inside the family.  I learned in Al-Anon that we are each only as sick as our secrets.

Everybody is afraid of change.  The dysfunctional family system is very rigid and doesn't allow for change in any form.  Anybody that dares to want to change comes up against resistance from the other family members, sometimes resulting in being ostracized or cast out from the family.  Nobody welcomes change.  Often if you get into recovery as an adult, nobody in the family acknowledges that you have made changes in yourself, that you are different.  They continue to see you in the role that you were assigned as a child.  That can be very frustrating especially for survivors who have worked really hard to make these healthy changes.

Nobody feels supported by the other family members.  Feelings are not shared.  There are often unexpressed, unfelt emotions. Emotions are often ignored or stuffed rather than acknowledged, especially fear and anger. There is usually a lot of underlying stress.  Any time you have secrets.  There is stress.  There is sometimes loneliness even when the family is together in the same room because nobody feels connected to anybody else.

Each member is assigned a role to play in the family.  Some of these roles are family hero, scapegoat, family maintainer, peacemaker, the invisible child, the sick child, and others.  Some people play more than one role at a time.  I played hero, family maintainer, and peacemaker at different times. I was also my mother's emotional protector at least by the age of 3.  I have a very clear memory of this.

Everyone is fearful, often without knowing why.  Sometimes, as in my case, the fear is so deep that I didn't even realize until I was 19 years old that I lived in daily fear for my life and sanity.  I didn't recognize the fear because it was constantly, always there in the fabric of my life.  I don't remember a time that I wasn't fearful.

In my dysfunctional family, my dad was a dictator of what we did, what we thought, how we acted.  He dictated through his rage.  Not all dysfunctional families are this extreme.  Some are.  Some are not.  Some families are so disconnected from their feelings that nothing seems wrong on the surface.

These are just a few symptoms of living in a dysfunctional family system.  The family system is more important than any of its individual members.  Nobody is supposed to become a separate individual as they are expected to in a health family system.  There is no separation in a dysfunctional family system.  Everyone is so emeshed that there are no healthy boundaries.  I used walls to keep you out and to keep me protected.  This separation was such a big issue in my family that I waited until I was 19 to run away from home.  My dad was not going to let me leave if he had known in advance.  I told my mom that I was leaving.  My dad came after me two days later.  He threatened suicide if I didn't come back home to live.  He didn't commit suicide and I didn't go back home to stay.  I went home for the weekend to say goodbye to my sister and brother.  I left for good on Monday morning.  I knew in my heart that if I didn't run away that my dad would never have let me escape from under his rule.  Again, this is an extreme example of a dysfunctional family system.

These are just some of the symptoms of growing up in a dysfunctional family system.  There are many more.  Not all families have all of these symptoms.  Do you personally know any families that don't have some dysfunction?  I know some that are working on getting healthier.  Our society is full of families dealing with addictions and codependency.  Some families are healthier than others.

You may ask why am I willing to write a blog about incest, about my own dysfunctional family system.  Why am I making all of my families dirty laundry public?  Some might say that I am being judgmental of others when I talk about my own recovery and my very unhealthy childhood in a home with incest and alcohol.  I am not doing that.  I am sharing what my journey has been like for me. 

Many of us are choosing to go "public" with our issues and our recovery.  You might ask or even demand to know why I would do this to my family.  I am not doing this to anyone.  This is what was done to me and to many other abuse survivors.  Incest is just one of many abuses that are happening to the children of countries around the world.  This abuse will continue unless I and other survivors start to speak out.  Breaking the silence of abuse means that I sometimes get attacked because others don't like having all of this "family" stuff being aired in public.  You won't shut us up any longer.  The survivors of abuse are beginning to speak out on their own behalf and on the behalf of those who are still afraid to speak out. 

I thank Carla Dippel and Darlene Ouimet for speaking to others through their blog Emerging From Broken.  By thanking Carla and Darlene, I am not claiming that they have been abused.  That is for them to decide.  Not me.  I am thanking them for being an inspiration to me personally.  I always welcome comments from my readers.
Patricia

Courage Isn't Just About The Big Stuff

Courage isn't just about the big stuff. Some days courage is about doing what is necessary to just get though the day. The comments that you leave here on my blog often speak about how courageous you believe I am. I appreciate the words of encouragement that you leave at the end of my articles. Many of you are just as courageous or even more so with what you deal with daily in your lives. Congratulate yourself for a job well done in overcoming your own childhood abuse in whatever form it takes.


As I visit blogs of other incest survivors, I see more examples of courage. Setting boundaries with family members, saying no to any more abuse, saying yes to spiritual growth, saying yes to change in your life---all of these are daily examples of courage that I see on the survivor blogs that I visit each week.

Some instances of showing courage would be saying no to an abusive relationship, getting a divorce instead of staying because it is more comfortable than facing the unknown, confronting your abuser with what he/she has done and letting them know this behavior is not acceptable, being a parent instead of a friend to your children, sharing your story with others (The first time is the hardest.), setting healthy boundaries when you had no boundaries before. All of these show the courage that each of us is capable of.

The every day kind of courage comes about when you learn to say no instead of stretching yourself to unbearable limits, learning to care for and nurture the lost and hurting inner child, putting your needs first and not feeling guilty so that you aren't an empty vessel that isn't capable of helping anybody, getting counseling for yourself to help you deal with the abuse issues, sharing your childhood story of abuse with a close friend or loved one.

You may not see yourself as being strong or being courageous. If you are working on your abuse issues, you are both. Courage is being afraid and moving forward and making choices anyway. Hugs and blessings to all of you.
Patricia

We Are All Vulnerable To Life And Other People

From Awakening, A Daily Guide to Conscious Living, written by Shakti Gawain, Revised Edition, 1991 & 2006, October 3 page:

"We are all vulnerable

Most of us are somewhat afraid of our vulnerability. We have various ways of masking it, hiding it, defending it. The key to intimacy, though, is being able to be vulnerable with another person. To do that, we must first be honest with ourselves about our deepest, most vulnerable feelings. We must learn to care for and protect these feelings, not by closing them off and defending them, but by being able to say honestly what we feel and ask for what we need.

As we learn to use our inner strength to support and express our inner vulnerability instead of to repress it, we begin to feel safer and more comfortable opening up to another person.

I am learning to feel comfortable with my vulnerability."


Being vulnerable enough to ask for help is a biggy for me. You can read my previous article "Dealing With Change" found at http://patricia-singleton.blogspot.com/2009/10/dealing-with-change.html for some of those reasons.

Lately, I continue to put myself in a place of being vulnerable to others. I actually do that with everyone of the articles that I write on this blog. I allow myself to be vulnerable when I call my Al-Anon sponsor or my best friend.

I recently started attending a grieving group which gives me plenty of opportunities to be vulnerable with more sharing of my incest story and my recovery experiences. Any time that you are in recovery, you do grieving work. Any time that you go to a counselor or therapist, some, if not most, of the work that you do is grieving work as you learn to face your issues. The homework for our group this week was twofold:
1. Give someone else some of your "experience, strength, and hope" when they ask for your help.
2. Receive help from someone else gracefully.

One very important fact that the class was told last night was that "Help is not help unless the person receiving it perceives it as help." Giving advice, even when it is asked for, isn't always helpful. Most of the time when a person asks for advice, what they really need and want is someone to listen to them as they talk and figure out their own answers.

I know that a lot of my readers come from a childhood of abuse in some form. I am passing my homework assignment along to any of you who are willing to do it this week. Let me know how you did.

In a recent comment, I was asked to share a website with my readers. After looking at the website and emailing back and forth with one of the contributers, I decided to put up a Blog Link with this person, Thomas Dow, and his website. His website is called "Let's Be Present". You can find his site at the following link: http://www.letsbepresent.com/ . Thomas, like me, is a Lightworker who is reaching out to help others heal from their childhood abuse issues as he works to heal his own issues.
Patricia

We Are Here---Survivors

I borrowed the title of this article from a blog that I want my readers to check out. The blog is called Confessions of an Onion Girl. It is written by a beautiful woman who is a survivor of childhood abuse. You will find her story of abuse at the following link:
http://oniongirl13.wordpress.com/abuse/ .
I warn you, this is not an easy story to read.

I have been reading stories like Onion Girl's for several weeks now online. There is quite a community online now, not like the days that I started my own recovery work from incest in the late 1980's. I thank all of you survivors for the courage that you have to write online about your abuse so that other survivors can find you and know that they are not alone, as I felt for many years.

In Onion Girl's post called "We Are Here", she says, "I realized that in our solidarity we are strong, and in our purpose to heal one another we are united. We are here."

To continue by quoting from Onion Girl's post, "We come from all walks of life. We are doctors, students, drive through attendants, IT specialists and engineers. We are Christians, Buddhists, Pagans, and any other stripe of religion you can think of. We are women. We are men. We are children as young as you can imagine and adults taking our last breaths remembering the crimes perpetrated against us, hopefully with some closure and peace. We are fat and thin, sane and insane, wild and cautious, but most of all, we are everywhere.

We are here.

Wherever you look, we are here. We are in your schools, your homes, your classrooms, and your places of worship. Our faces are written with a common sadness, but also with a common strength. We are in your reflection and in the window looking out at you, seeing you look in at us.
We are here."

I could continue and quote the rest of her article but I won't. I want you, my readers, to click on the following link and go to Onion Girl's blog Confessions of an Onion Girl to read the rest of her post.
http://oniongirl13.wordpress.com/2009/04/15/we-are-here/
Onion Girl wrote this to use in a speech that she was giving the next day on her childhood sexual abuse. After reading this post, you will be aware of how far reaching the arm of abuse is in our world. Everybody is affected by it. With awareness, we can change the world.

In writing her speech, Onion Girl speaks out for all of us who have survived childhood abuse and for those who didn't survive. You hear the stories more and more frequently on the TV news channels of a child who was killed by a parent or friend of the family because they were being punished and it got out of hand, at least that is what the abuser wants you to believe. Too many of our children are dying of abuse. Too many more are surviving and in the silence growing up to live as wounded adults. Most of us stop the abuse with our generation and don't pass it on to our children and grandchildren. Some of us become abusers ourselves. Some of us end the pain with the taking of our own lives. Some of us are strong enough to go on to recover. Some of us continue to live in the pain because we can't find any way out of it. Some of us share our knowledge and pain with others and build a community of love and support for ourselves. The internet has become a very valuable tool for spreading our love and hope for a brighter future for us, our children and the rest of mankind. With knowledge, the abuse can stop. Please help us to stop the abuse. Thank you Onion Girl for writing this informative post. Thanks for sharing yourself and your inner thoughts with the world.

This week, I received two awards. I received a Love Ya Award first from Surviving By Grace at
http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/2009/04/love-ya-award.html and second a Love Ya Award from Heal and Forgive at http://healandforgive.blogspot.com/2009/04/love-ya-award.html . Thank you to both of these beautiful ladies for the honor that they have given me. With both awards, I am in good company. Click on both of the links and check out the other blogs that the awards were given to.
Patricia

Fear Is My Friend

Today I refuse to let fear stop me. It may still occasionally slow me down until I gain an inner awareness of what I am doing.

Courage is making fear your friend rather than letting it control you. Making fear your friend means acknowledging it for what it is. Now is the time to say, "Hello Fear, here we are walking hand in hand again. Thank you for showing me that something needs to change."

Most of you face challenges every day. Sometimes the challenges come out on top. Other times, you come out victorious and stronger for facing the challenge. Facing the challenges and fear is what the lessons of Life are all about. Do not allow fear to stop you from living your life.

Conquer fear and go on to the next day and conquer fear again. Facing fear is what makes you strong. Facing fear is what makes you courageous. Now is the time to say, "Hello Fear. Thanks for making Life such a wonderful adventure of discovery."

To quote Lindsay McKenna in her romance novel---Morgan's Mercenaries III, Maverick Hearts, Man of Passion---on page 141:
". . . 'No one and nothing has the right to stop you on your own path as you become all you can be, Ari.' " (Ari is the name of the heroine in the book that I am reading.)

This is true for each of us. You all have the ability to face your own fears and to become a better person than you were through that effort. It doesn't matter that you are still afraid. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It is ok. Being afraid doesn't mean you are failing or that you are a failure. Sitting still, doing nothing that is failure. Moving forward, even if it is only one step at a time, is success. Life is about being all that you can be. Being all that you can be is your real Life's purpose.

Embrace your fear with Love. That is the answer to every challenge that you face.
Patricia

The Serenity Prayer

"God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."

This simple, powerful prayer is one of the first things that I learned in Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings.

From the book "Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses" written by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., page 173:
"Serenity doesn't come by avoiding the difficulties in my life, but by walking through them with the help of my Higher Power and my recovery friends."

Avoiding your difficulties in life is the same as living in denial and only works against you. Denial never solves anything. It just adds more challenges on top of what you are already avoiding.

The Serenity Prayer doesn't ask God to remove the situation or difficulty. It asks for help to change your reaction to the situation or difficulty. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is have the courage to realize that nothing but you can change. Changing the other person is never an option. The only person you can ever change is you. The other person is the only one who can ever change the other person. This kind of acceptance can bring you peace.

The Serenity Prayer is one of the most useful tools that I have ever found.
Patricia

Are You Playing The Victim Again?

This morning a friend called me after reading my recent post "Growing Up With Alcoholism In The Family" and asked me if she was hearing me playing the victim role? She was afraid that I might be getting sucked back into that garbage. I told her no that was not happening at all. I told her that my writing that post was strictly to help others. She was glad to hear it.

To me, one of the best ways to stop playing victim is to be able to reach out and help others. I haven't played the victim role in a very long time. That just isn't who I am any longer. I would never want to go back into that sense of helplessness and hopelessness that comes from being a victim.

Why do you ever choose to be a victim? Is it karma that you are working through with the other person? Is it because you lack the courage to leave a relationship or situation that you are familiar and comfortable with? Is it because you are fearful of being alone? What keeps you being a victim could be any of those things or something else.

The main reason to stay a victim is that you are getting something out of the role, otherwise, you would stop. You would say, "No more. This doesn't work for me."

As a child, you don't have a choice to be a victim, especially if the perpetrator is your parent. As an adult, you always have a choice. I know that as an adult, you may not be aware that you have a choice but that choice is always there waiting for the awareness to come.

People talk about courage as if it is something that some of us have and some of us don't. I don't believe that. You all have courage waiting to be used when the need arises. It isn't something that I have and you don't. When you are pushed hard enough the courage will come forth. I can acknowledge that yes I have courage and have used it to change my life and so do you have that same courage when you want to use it.

I don't see courage as something that just heroes have and everybody else doesn't. You all have it. You just have to choose to use it.

Today, if you are in a bad situation or bad relationship, I encourage you to, "Just say no." as the advertisements against drug abuse said a few years ago. That simple word, "NO" can change your life. If you are in a violent situation and can't make the change by yourself, ask for someone's help.

You don't have to be a victim unless you choose to.
Patricia

Healing And Letting Go Of Repressed Emotions

From Opening The Energy Gates Of Your Body, Chi Gung for Lifelong Health, written by Bruce Frantzis, 1993,2006, page 43-44:

"The Taoist view of the transformation of emotional energy differs radically from the cathartic practices of either Eastern kundalini or Western group therapy. In the Shaktipat kundalini practice, catharsis is sometimes called kriya, or action. Here, the idea, in the early developmental stages, is to discharge emotional energy by various actions, such as screaming, yelling, crying, curling into the fetal position---moving through blocked emotional states until they are freed up. In group therapy (from primal scream to encounter, bioenergetics, and psychodrama) the idea is to emote your pain and agony externally, the louder the better, heaping verbal and physical abuse on a pillow or a person, as the case may be. Though these approaches are sometimes successful, the ancient Taoists detected an inherent problem with such techniques."

"When pressure builds up in a pressure cooker, there are---within the cathartic model---only three options you have to handle the situation: 1) turn the heat off (i.e., deny, repress); 2) let some steam out at intervals; or 3) let all the steam out at once. Turning the heat off leaves the basic emotional situation unchanged. If you only let steam partially out, after a period, the pressure will build to again reach a critical level. All the 'steam' can be let out of a trapped emotion at one blow, but the reality is that this particular event rarely occurs. Far more common for people with emotional blockages is that they let some, but not all, of the emotional pressure out, and then---as mentioned---the pressure rebuilds until they have to 'cathart' again."

"The cathartic release of violent emotions irritates and exhausts the system, and can sometimes foster an addictive need to feel those violent emotions in ever-stranger forms. Cathartic methods may easily turn practitioners into therapy junkies---angry people become angrier still, for instance, or depressed people sink deeper into depression, while deluding themselves into thinking that they are working on self-improvement."



In my search for better health and well-being, I found the book Opening The Energy Gates Of Your Body, Chi Gung for Lifelong Health. Why a book on Chi Gung? A close friend of mine resently told me if he could only do one exercise program, Chi Gung would be it. I am taking a Tai Chi class from another friend. I love the way the Tai Chi makes me feel. Am I any good at it? No. Do I have a great teacher? Yes. He is patient and lets each of us learn the movements at our own pace. Is it helping? Yes, I am a Reiki practicioner. About a month after starting Tai Chi, I would notice at some point during the exercise that the Reiki energy would start to flow from my hands. Now, the energy starts to flow within minutes of starting the Tai Chi movements so I know the energy flow through my body is much better. I also feel more contented, peaceful and centered after a Tai Chi class. My body doesn't hurt like it does after more conventional exercise classes that I have done in the past.

Why did I choose to share the above quotes with you? Because it is the best explanation that I have ever seen for how some therapy sessions have worked for me in the past. I especially liked the "pressure cooker" analogy. It is one that I have used for many year explaining how I used to do emotions. I have also called the process feeling like I was a volcano waiting to explode. I denied and suppressed my emotions because I was afraid and didn't know how to deal with them. I learned from Raymond (dad) that emotions were explosive and often violent. I learned that there was no safe way to acknowledge what you were feeling. I also felt so angry that Rage wasn't even an adequate description. It was so volatile, like a volcano or pressure cooker waiting to explode when the pressure got to be more than I could control. I was deeply afraid of my own anger. I was afraid that I would use it to hurt others if I let it out. The reality was that when the volcano or pressure cooker did explode my husband and kids were the ones that I hurt with my angry words. If you are sarcastic, that is what you are doing to yourself and others---hurting them. They aren't the source of your anger but they are the closest ones to you.

None of the above therapy methods worked for me. They may work for some people. They did not work for me. They only gave me temporary relief.

Meditations, dreams, talking and writing is what has worked for me to get back in touch with my emotions. Looking at the part that I play in my life is what has worked for me. Writing these articles is what has worked for me. Reading about the struggles and wonderful adventures to recovery of others is what has worked for me. Placing responsibility where it belongs is what has worked for me. Loving myself is what has worked for me. Being vulnerable and trusting myself and others is what has worked for me. Taking myself out of abusive relationships and circumstances is what has worked for me. Finding out what is healthy (Notice I did not say normal. Normal isn't always healthy.) is what has worked for me.

I haven't found any simple, instantly miraculous cures. They may exist for you. If so, I am happy for you. My journey has been about hard work. I could have stayed a victim and always held on to my rage and fears. Some people never come out of that. If I had, I would have missed out on so many of the miracles of my life. I usually only see the miracles when I am looking back. They weren't instant. They, like my life, evolved. The person that you meet today is not the person that I was 20 years ago, 50 years ago, or even yesterday and that is the way that I want it to be. Growing, evolving is what life for me is about. Join me. Let me know how your life is evolving? What is different about you today?

If you are visiting for the first time or read my articles but haven't commented on what you're reading, please leave me a comment and let me know what you think. Am I doing a good job of expressing myself? Do I tell too many personal stories? If this is your first time to visit my blog, I welcome you. Let me know what you think. Your comments are valuable to me and my readers. They let me know that you understand what the articles are about. They let me know that you care. I have met some really wonderful people through comments here and on the blogs that I read. One of those communities that I am just beginning to connect with belongs to James and Harry and their blog "Men with Pens." Jame's latest article you will find at http://menwithpens.ca/how-to-welcome-your-blog-community .
Patricia

Independence, Not Just For A Day

On July 4, in the United States, we celebrated our Independence Day from England way back in 1776. To Americans that seems like a long time---232 years of freedom. Out in the rest of the nations of the world, we are still babies. You go to other parts of the world and see buildings, monuments and temples older than our country is.

I consider myself to be a patriotic American. I love my country and I cherish my freedoms as an American. Still, I am beginning to question some of the decisions that are being made by the leaders of my country. After traveling to other parts of the world, I can understand how some countries think we are arrogant Americans. We tend to take our freedoms for granted. Not everyone in the world has those freedoms that we do. Not every country in the world grants those freedoms to their people.

This isn't meant to be a political statement and I am not asking for support or criticisms for my thoughts about July 4. For that is all they are---some thoughts that went through my head as I sat down to write this article. This isn't even what I planned to write about. All I really want to make you aware of, as Americans, is that we truly are blessed to be Americans and to have the freedom to disagree or agree with our leaders. Not all people have that right as we do. I feel that we truly are blessed to be born American at this time in the history of the world. Don't take your freedoms for granted. Not everyone has them.

Freedom does come with responsibilities. One of the freedoms that I have and take advantage of with my blog is the Freedom of Speech. That Freedom of Speech gives me the right to speak and write about any topic that I choose on my blog. I didn't always feel that I had this right.

In my family, freedom of speech was only granted to one person---my dad. From now on, or at least when I remember to, I am going to call him by his name, Raymond. Paula Kawal says that lessens the power that he has over my ability to recover from the abuse of my childhood. ( http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/06/shame-abusers-friend.html ). So you see even some people in the United States don't always have the power of speech, or they don't know that they do. It is not a freedom to be taken for granted. I didn't know until I was 19 and left home that I could speak my mind and that it was ok to have an opinion different than Raymond's. It was many years later at the age of 38 before I really found the Freedom of Speech to take about the incest. When I started to talk about it, then is when I experienced real freedom for the first time. Even then, I was afraid that God or Raymond or someone was going to come and strike me down dead or call me a whore or something just as bad that my mind would conjure up. None of those things happened. I felt my first taste of freedom and it grew from that moment.

With my blog, I have taken it a step further in writing about the incest. As a lady from another country made me aware of recently, I now have a voice that the whole world can hear when I speak about incest. Notice that I am not calling it "my incest." (I may forget and slip there occasionally. This particular awareness is new to me.) It is no longer "my incest." I am in the process of stepping away from the "my" part. I am not in denial. I am not suppressing anything. I am giving myself the freedom to be me without the pain and struggle of my story. My story is not who I am. ( http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/01/my-stories-are-point-of-reference.html )

I just finished reading the Debbie Ford book "The Secret of the Shadow, The Power of Owning Your Whole Story". It is a powerful book that has given me many new awarenesses to work with. You will continue to hear me mention this book in more articles to come as I share the wisdom of Debbie's words and the differences it is making in my thinking.

Can you see that this 4th of July Independence Day has a special significance for me? Personal freedom is a new idea for me because I am connecting with it on new, deeper levels as I work on releasing the past. Living in the past, you don't have freedom. Freedom comes from living in the moment. You aren't there when you are feeling the pain of the past. Having the ability to reach out to others around the world through the internet expands the Freedom of Speech for me. I can use my words to reach out and help others heal from the pain of their stories of incest or other forms of abuse. We all have the freedom to not stay stuck in that pain. Reaching out to others gives us the beginnings of that freedom.

Another freedom that I decided to use the past two weeks was the freedom to say no. I said no to two job opportunities because neither was right for me. One I would have been bored silly within a month of accepting the job and would have come to resent my boss and myself for putting me into that situation. Instead I said, "No thank you. This job isn't for me." The second was much more than a job opportunity, it was a position of leadership as a healer in the healing community. I turned it down because the timing is not right and because I don't want to feel pressured to be something that I am not. I may pursue this avenue in the future but not until I have explored all of my healing abilities, my talents and spiritual gifts to know which direction is the right one for me. I am just beginning to ask my spiritual guides to show me the direction that my healing abilities need to go. I want to learn those healing abilities before I can possibly teach them to others. I know that I could be a leader. I know that through my blog my voice is just beginning to be heard. For now, that is the avenue that I will follow as I continue to explore new avenues to express my Divine nature.

I did not make either of those job decisions from a place of fear. This week, I stepped into my full personal power in being in charge of my life instead of letting others direct my life. That is a glorious feeling. It is also a freedom that I have not always felt that I had. Today I know that I do have that freedom of personal power.

Now to what I intended this article to be about. On Friday, July 4, 2008, just one year one month and three days after writing my first blog article (June 1 was my blog's one year birthday.), the number of views of my blog went over 10,000. On July 4, the total views of my blog was 10,022 of the 117 articles that I have posted on Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker. On June 1, 2007, my first article was "Three Of My Past Life Experiences" found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/three-of-my-past-life-experiences.html . Take the time now to click on the link and go read that article if you haven't already. Most of you haven't. Leave a comment and let me know what you think of that first article. I know it may be a stretch for some of you who may not believe in reencarnation. That is ok. All I ask is that you be open to the possibility. I wasn't always open either. Now I am since I have knowledge of some of mine.

I have between 130-157 subscribers daily now. Thank you to all of my subscribers and to those of you who have taken the time to view my blog over the past year. The average is 138 subscribers daily now. My growth has been a steady upward journey in my personal life as well as my blog. People from the following countries have looked at my blog: the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada, India, Israel, France, Germany, Indonesia, Australia, Chile, China, and Sweden. I hope I haven't forgotten anybody. China and Sweden have been the most resent countries to view my blog. I thank you all for honoring me with your continued presence on my blog. I thank you for becoming part of my journey and for allowing me to become a part of your journey toward Oneness and Freedom for all.
Patricia