Incest Survivors Ready To Heal

Today is Day #14 and the last day of the Start Your Book Challenge on ChallengeBug. Our challenge leader was Christine Kloser who calls herself "The Transformation Catalyst." Her website is http://www.ChristineKloser.com . 

My blog post "Transformation Through Writing" came from Day #1's challenge. I will add the link to it at the end of this post in case you haven't read it already. I have enjoyed and learned from this 14 day challenge. I am still working on some of the challenges that I didn't want to rush through. I enjoy the researching as much as the writing part of some of the challenges. 

On Day #2, I was asked, Who is your ideal reader? Here is my answer.

The ideal reader for The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress is an incest survivor who is beginning to acknowledge that she/he is a survivor. This survivor wants to finally let go of the denial that they thought would protect them from the pain of awareness and memories. She/He wants to heal but may not know where to start. Fears and maybe memories are starting to surface because she/he has cracked open that door in her/his mind. Once that door is open, she/he can't close it and pretend the door was never open. She/he stays stuck in the fear and the pain or she/he moves forward. My ideal reader is ready to move forward.

For ease of writing and because more girls are abused than boys, I am going to use "she" and "her" from here on out in my article. I am not excluding boys/men. One out of three girls are sexually abused and one out of six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. I am grateful that boys/men are finally joining the ranks of female survivors in speaking out and breaking the silence of incest/childhood sexual abuse. I know, personally, the challenges and fears they face to find and use their voices. 

My ideal reader has acknowledged that she is an incest survivor, at least in her own mind. She may or may not have told anyone else yet. She probably doesn't have any idea what step to take next. Fear, rage and hurt are battling for the top position in her mind. The survivor is feeling overwhelmed, if she even knows what she is feeling. Many times feelings aren't allowed. Feelings are denied, stuffed or hidden by addictions. She may be afraid of change and some part of her is resisting those first steps. Resistance has to be faced and overcome before healing happens. Sometimes, the survivor has to hurt enough before she is willing to move forward. My ideal reader is ready to move forward.

Once feelings start, grief isn't far behind. All survivors of incest have to grieve the loss of innocence and the loss of the childhood they didn't have. Most survivors have no idea what normal is. They have never seen healthy in their dysfunctional families. Incest is only allowed to happen in an atmosphere of dysfunction. Every family member plays their part in keeping the secrets of the dysfunctional family. 

The incest survivor is usually full of rage at her abusers but probably taking that rage out on herself and those closest to her. Depression becomes a constant companion. I have seen depression defined as anger turned inward. That definition feels right to me. Often what doctors call depression may be the deep, deep sadness of grief. Survivors have so many losses to work through and let go of. I don't believe just taking a pill solves those feelings of loss. As a survivor, she has to feel her way to healing.

What is my ideal reader seeking?

Release from the overwhelming sadness, fear and rage that is inside of her is one answer. She wants the hurt to stop. Feeling and growing are the only ways that I know of to do that healing. My book The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress will take her through my own journey of healing from incest.

What transformations do I want for my ideal reader? 

I want my ideal reader to be able to experience freedom from pain, rage and sadness. I want her to be able to work her way through all of those feelings and then release them. Joy and peace are attainable goals. Learning to love herself is an important part of the healing journey. Letting go of addictions and codependency are necessary to healing. In reading my story, she will be given healing tools to use in her own journey. She will learn to express feelings in healthy ways. She will recognize the lies of her abusers and see how they may still be affecting her life today as an adult. She will find her sense of self-worth and not rely on others to get her self-worth from. She will love herself first so that she has more to give to others. She will learn that some people don't belong in her life. Some people don't want her to change or to move on. Those people will either change themselves or they will move on. 

My ideal reader is someone who is tired of hurting and ready to heal no matter how much it hurts to begin with. She is ready to step into survivor mode, ready to move forward with courage, hope and commitment. As a survivor, she is ready to strip away all denial and ready to be extremely honest with herself. She is open to change and willing to look at the source of resistance that she may feel. 

Trust is something that she will have to learn---trust of herself first and then trust of others. Not everyone deserves her trust. She must learn to trust herself and that inner voice that guides her when she is willing to listen. Part of trusting herself means learning how to shut up that mean, critical inner voice that came from her abusers. I will teach her how to use affirmations to turn that inner voice to positive and away from being negative all of the time. 

Making friends with her inner child is a very important step in healing. The inner child is the one who carries and remembers all of her pain. The inner child is the one who is so full of fear and is afraid of moving forward. All the inner child knows is the pain and fear of incest and the words of her abusers. She has to gain the trust of her inner child. Together they will grow and learn to love each other. The inner child isn't the enemy. The abusers are.

Strength and courage are both needed to take one healing step after another. The rewards of being a survivor are worth going through all of the challenges she will face along the way to healing. Healing isn't an instant cure. 

I am not a doctor or a therapist. I, too, am a survivor of incest. Today I am a thriver and I know that my readers can all accomplish what I have. I encourage you all to take that first healing step and share your story with some caring person that you trust. 
Patricia

Related Posts:

Transformation Through Writing @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2015/08/transformation-through-writing.html 

Stages Of Loss And Grief For Incest Survivors @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2014/05/stages-of-loss-and-grief-for-incest.html

Journey To Your Heart - Learning To Love Yourself After Abuse @  http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/08/journey-to-your-heart-learning-to-love.html


Denial, FEAR's Companion And BFF @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/03/denial-fears-companion-and-bff.html

Inner Child Work And Feeling Safe @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2014/03/inner-child-work-and-feeling-safe.html

The Secret---Affirmations Change Your Life @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/08/secret-affirmations-change-your-life.html

Kindness---Why Is It Easier To Be Kind To Strangers?

I have been thinking about kindness this week. I realized that I need to work on being kinder to those closest to me---my husband, my kids, my brother, my sister, my friends. I spent a year practicing being kinder and softer in my outlook on life a few years ago and became a better person for it. It is time to do that again in 2009.

My dictionary says, "kindness n. 1 The quality of being kind; good will. 2 A kind act; a favor. 3 A kindly feeling."

"kind adj. 1 Friendly and helpful: a kind act. 2 Gentle: kind to children. 3 Characterized by friendliness and gentleness: a kind remark. ---Syn. 1. charitable, generous, good, good-hearted. 2 humane, kindly."

Why is it easier to be kind to a stranger than it is to those you love? I think it is because you have more of yourself invested in those you love. A stranger enters your life for just a few minutes and then is gone. You don't always see the change that your act of kindness brought about in the other person. You just know that you felt good for giving that other person a smile, or for taking the time to open a door and letting the other person enter first, or for letting another person go before you in the line at the pharmacy or for giving money to your favorite charity. All of those are acts of kindness that you perform for the benefit of strangers.

Because you have invested your time, your money, your love into those closest to you, you are more afraid of being rejected or disappointed or maybe even ignored and taken for granted if you do those same small things for the people closest to you. Instead of being fearful, remember the advantages of being kind to those closest to you.

When you are kind to others, they are usually kind to you as well. When you are kind to others, you get to see their pleasure caused by your act of kindness. I am not saying be kind to others because of what you will get back. The getting back is just a nice side effect of your actions. Even if the other person doesn't response to your kindness, you still know that you did something good for someone else. I know that these apply to strangers as well as those you are closest to.

In my own way, I am saying that the added benefit to being kind to those closest to you is that you get to see the happiness that you have contributed to in another person that you care about and love. That always makes me happier.

Being kind to others is a great way to express your gratitude for that person being in your life. Expressing your gratitude to that person is in itself an act of kindness. Anything that you do that helps another person feel better about themselves can be an act of kindness.

My act of kindness for you, my reader, is to finish this article before you catch on that I am beginning to ramble. Have a glorious day. It is cold here but the sun is shining brightly so I am having a glorious day of sunshine.
Patricia

Poem - You Can Fly. . . But That Cocoon Has Got To Go!

This has long been one of my favorite poems. I don't know where I first saw it or who the author is but I wanted to share it with you.


YOU CAN FLY. . . BUT THAT COCOON HAS GOT TO GO!

And I don't think it was talking about butterflies.

But the risk--oh, the risk of leaving the swaddling
warmth of a cocoon. My cocoon. My status quo.
My. . . deadening security.
To leave the known,
no matter how confining it may be--for an unknown,
a totally new lifestyle--
oh, the risk!

Lord, my cocoon chafes, sometimes. But I know its
restrictions. And it's scarey to consider the awful
implications of flight. I'm leery of heights. (Even
your heights.)
But, Lord, I could see so much wider, clearer
from heights.
And there's an exhilaration about flight that I
have always longed for.
I want to fly. . .
if I could just have the cocoon to come back to.
Butterflies can't.
Probably butterflies don't even want to--
once they've tasted flight.

It's the risk that makes me hesitate.
The knowing I can't come back to the warm, undemanding
status quo.

Lord. . . about butterflies. . .
the cocoon has only two choices--
risk
or die
What about me?
If I refuse to risk,
do I, too, die inside, still wrapped in the swaddling
web?

Lord?

Author Unknown

Let me know what you think about this poem?
Patricia

Independence, Not Just For A Day

On July 4, in the United States, we celebrated our Independence Day from England way back in 1776. To Americans that seems like a long time---232 years of freedom. Out in the rest of the nations of the world, we are still babies. You go to other parts of the world and see buildings, monuments and temples older than our country is.

I consider myself to be a patriotic American. I love my country and I cherish my freedoms as an American. Still, I am beginning to question some of the decisions that are being made by the leaders of my country. After traveling to other parts of the world, I can understand how some countries think we are arrogant Americans. We tend to take our freedoms for granted. Not everyone in the world has those freedoms that we do. Not every country in the world grants those freedoms to their people.

This isn't meant to be a political statement and I am not asking for support or criticisms for my thoughts about July 4. For that is all they are---some thoughts that went through my head as I sat down to write this article. This isn't even what I planned to write about. All I really want to make you aware of, as Americans, is that we truly are blessed to be Americans and to have the freedom to disagree or agree with our leaders. Not all people have that right as we do. I feel that we truly are blessed to be born American at this time in the history of the world. Don't take your freedoms for granted. Not everyone has them.

Freedom does come with responsibilities. One of the freedoms that I have and take advantage of with my blog is the Freedom of Speech. That Freedom of Speech gives me the right to speak and write about any topic that I choose on my blog. I didn't always feel that I had this right.

In my family, freedom of speech was only granted to one person---my dad. From now on, or at least when I remember to, I am going to call him by his name, Raymond. Paula Kawal says that lessens the power that he has over my ability to recover from the abuse of my childhood. ( http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/06/shame-abusers-friend.html ). So you see even some people in the United States don't always have the power of speech, or they don't know that they do. It is not a freedom to be taken for granted. I didn't know until I was 19 and left home that I could speak my mind and that it was ok to have an opinion different than Raymond's. It was many years later at the age of 38 before I really found the Freedom of Speech to take about the incest. When I started to talk about it, then is when I experienced real freedom for the first time. Even then, I was afraid that God or Raymond or someone was going to come and strike me down dead or call me a whore or something just as bad that my mind would conjure up. None of those things happened. I felt my first taste of freedom and it grew from that moment.

With my blog, I have taken it a step further in writing about the incest. As a lady from another country made me aware of recently, I now have a voice that the whole world can hear when I speak about incest. Notice that I am not calling it "my incest." (I may forget and slip there occasionally. This particular awareness is new to me.) It is no longer "my incest." I am in the process of stepping away from the "my" part. I am not in denial. I am not suppressing anything. I am giving myself the freedom to be me without the pain and struggle of my story. My story is not who I am. ( http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/01/my-stories-are-point-of-reference.html )

I just finished reading the Debbie Ford book "The Secret of the Shadow, The Power of Owning Your Whole Story". It is a powerful book that has given me many new awarenesses to work with. You will continue to hear me mention this book in more articles to come as I share the wisdom of Debbie's words and the differences it is making in my thinking.

Can you see that this 4th of July Independence Day has a special significance for me? Personal freedom is a new idea for me because I am connecting with it on new, deeper levels as I work on releasing the past. Living in the past, you don't have freedom. Freedom comes from living in the moment. You aren't there when you are feeling the pain of the past. Having the ability to reach out to others around the world through the internet expands the Freedom of Speech for me. I can use my words to reach out and help others heal from the pain of their stories of incest or other forms of abuse. We all have the freedom to not stay stuck in that pain. Reaching out to others gives us the beginnings of that freedom.

Another freedom that I decided to use the past two weeks was the freedom to say no. I said no to two job opportunities because neither was right for me. One I would have been bored silly within a month of accepting the job and would have come to resent my boss and myself for putting me into that situation. Instead I said, "No thank you. This job isn't for me." The second was much more than a job opportunity, it was a position of leadership as a healer in the healing community. I turned it down because the timing is not right and because I don't want to feel pressured to be something that I am not. I may pursue this avenue in the future but not until I have explored all of my healing abilities, my talents and spiritual gifts to know which direction is the right one for me. I am just beginning to ask my spiritual guides to show me the direction that my healing abilities need to go. I want to learn those healing abilities before I can possibly teach them to others. I know that I could be a leader. I know that through my blog my voice is just beginning to be heard. For now, that is the avenue that I will follow as I continue to explore new avenues to express my Divine nature.

I did not make either of those job decisions from a place of fear. This week, I stepped into my full personal power in being in charge of my life instead of letting others direct my life. That is a glorious feeling. It is also a freedom that I have not always felt that I had. Today I know that I do have that freedom of personal power.

Now to what I intended this article to be about. On Friday, July 4, 2008, just one year one month and three days after writing my first blog article (June 1 was my blog's one year birthday.), the number of views of my blog went over 10,000. On July 4, the total views of my blog was 10,022 of the 117 articles that I have posted on Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker. On June 1, 2007, my first article was "Three Of My Past Life Experiences" found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/three-of-my-past-life-experiences.html . Take the time now to click on the link and go read that article if you haven't already. Most of you haven't. Leave a comment and let me know what you think of that first article. I know it may be a stretch for some of you who may not believe in reencarnation. That is ok. All I ask is that you be open to the possibility. I wasn't always open either. Now I am since I have knowledge of some of mine.

I have between 130-157 subscribers daily now. Thank you to all of my subscribers and to those of you who have taken the time to view my blog over the past year. The average is 138 subscribers daily now. My growth has been a steady upward journey in my personal life as well as my blog. People from the following countries have looked at my blog: the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada, India, Israel, France, Germany, Indonesia, Australia, Chile, China, and Sweden. I hope I haven't forgotten anybody. China and Sweden have been the most resent countries to view my blog. I thank you all for honoring me with your continued presence on my blog. I thank you for becoming part of my journey and for allowing me to become a part of your journey toward Oneness and Freedom for all.
Patricia

Processing Life's Journey

Have you ever found yourself in a position where, on the outside, it looks like you are sitting completely still, doing nothing? You aren't stuck, in a rut, afraid to move forward. You know what that feels like and this isn't stuck. Nothing appears to be happening on the outside and your guides are giving you one word, "Wait."

What do you do? Struggle with impatience? Think you are just procrastinating? Are you confused? Are you resisting being still? What are you feeling? Too many emotions to separate them and give them a name.

I call it processing. I know from long experience that eventually I will get the "Go Ahead" signal. Why do I hate waiting? Because I am an overachiever who hates standing still. There are too many things I could be doing like making a baby quilt for my neice's new son who was born in February, making a quilt for my grandson who turned 6 back in December, writing more articles for my blog, etc., etc., etc. Do you see what I mean about being an overachiever? The list of things I want to do can go on and on. The things I should do is just as long, but I am learning that doing things out of obligation isn't always that good either. (Andrea Hess's article on obligation found at http://www.empoweredsoul.com/blog/2008/05/01/releasing-the-energy-of-obligation/ )

The important thing for me to know is that I am moving forward. It just doesn't look that way on the outside. All of my current processing is internal rather than external. Look out world when I come out of what appears to be hibernation. Then I will be in hyperdrive until the next processing period. This is my cycle for experiencing my life. Can anybody else relate?
Patricia

The Wisdom Of Letting Go

the Little book of Letting go, a revolutionary 30-day program to Cleanse your Mind, Lift your Spirit and Replenish your Soul, written by Hugh Prater in 2000 was introduced to me by a friend who passed the book on when she no longer had room in her book shelf. I instantly grabbed onto the book when I saw the title. Boy, am I glad that I did. This "Little book" as Hugh Prater calls it is so packed with wisom. I just had to share it even though I just started reading it.
One of the first gems of wisdom that I read was on page 5:
"Not only do we give people a piece of our mind, we give them a piece of our happiness, wholeness, focus, and sometimes, a piece of our health."

Who are you giving your piece/peace of mind to? What will it take for you to stop giving away your peace? These are questions I am going to start asking myself. How about you?


Also on page 5 is the following statements:
"Our lives are filled with useless battles because our minds are filled with useless thoughts. We never finish thinking about anything. We carry around unhappy scenes from the past as if they are still happening, and we chew on the memory of whatever we just did. This glut of thoughts profoundly affects the world we perceive and the life we live."

I know that I am guilty of doing this. What parts of the past are you still holding on to? What in your past is still hurting you? What will it take for you to let go of that hurt and those past events or relationships? What will give you closure? I am asking myself these same questions that I am asking you.


This statement on page 7 comes from Hugh Prater's wife, Gayle:
"Make your state of mind more important than what you are doing."

To do this, you have to ask the question, "What is important to your peace of mind?" None of the rest is important. A good question to ask yourself is, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" That simple question should stop some of the outward battles that the ego likes to involve you in.

This is just a brief sharing of the treasures that I have found in this book just in the first few pages. I will share more as I get further into the pages of this book.
Peace and blessings to you.
Patricia

Five Healing Lessons Learned From Pain

For today's post you will need to click on the following link:

http://www.thenext45years.com/2008/02/five-healing-lessons-learned-from-pain.html

This will take to you the article Five Healing Lessons Learned From Pain that I guest authored for Alex Blackwell at his blog "The Next 45 Years." I thank Alex for asking and giving me this opportunity to expose new readers to my writings. It has been a learning experience for me to write this article, as all articles are. This one was different because as a blog owner, we all have certain expectations for what we want our blog to say. That is as it should be.

I always write my blog articles just like I have written my journal entries in the past. One reason that I write from the "I" position in my articles is because I am speaking mostly from my own personal experience and my own point of view. I feel that it is less threatening for the reader that way.

In writing this article for Alex, my first copy was mostly from the "I" position. Alex prefers and does his writing from the "you" position to get his readers more involved in his writing. Both points are very valid. Both points have their pluses and minuses for the author and the reader.

When Alex asked me to do a revision of my article and use more of "you" rather than "I", I wasn't sure that I could do it. Once I started writing, as most of my articles do, the words started to flow. The finished product also had more information. Each time that I rewrite an article, new information comes in to be included so in that way the finished article is much better than what I first presented to Alex to post.

What I want you, my regular readers to do is to tell me which style you prefer, the way I usually write or this slightly different style. Please come back here to share those ideas about my writing style. Thanks for your input. Don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. I have a thick skin. I wouldn't have asked, if I didn't want to know. I am curious. Growth, even in writing, is about change. Writing this article was a growing experience for me. Again, thanks, Alex, for the experience.
Patricia

My Stories Are A Point Of Reference

I got an email yesterday from a blogger friend, Deb Estep. I asked if I could share what she wrote to me. She said yes, so here it is.

"Hi Patricia,

This comment that you left at Andrea's blog is SO VERY HUGE to helping ME understand you, and every thing you write about on you blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have read about your being abused, and I will have to say that there have been moments when I have wondered .... IS Patricia stuck back there? PLEASE understand I've not thought that in a judgmental way, but one of concern for you.

I am wondering IF you might consider adding all these words to your ABOUT YOU page. I really think it is critical for a blog reader who might land on your blog, via a web search and then go check out your about page to learn more about you.

IT certainly was VERY critical information in helping me understand you... my friend. :)))))))

Love
Deb"




Here is what Deb wanted me to add to my About Me page:

"My stories are just a point of reference for who I am today. I don't go around identifying myself as all of my experiences. Before I started blogging, I had even stopped calling myself an Incest Survivor because that wasn't who I was any longer. I only do it now as a point of reference to offer what I have learned about myself because of the incest to others who might need the hope and the love that I have learned. We are all so much more than our experiences can define us as."




Thanks, Deb for your concern and for believing in me enough to reach out and tell me what you felt and thought. It says so much about the kind person that you are. I decided to share this in a post as well as put it in my About Me page. Deb has a blog of her own called Deb_Inside that you will find at http://deb_inside.typepad.com/ .



My comment that caused Deb to write her comment to me you will find at the blog of Andrea Hess in the comment section of her article called "What's Your Story" found at http://www.empoweredsoul.com/blog/?p=171 . You will find an informative discussion in the comments at the end of the article that is well worth reading too.



My friend, Slade Roberson wrote his own article from his thoughts from Andrea's article. You will find Slade's article at http://sladeroberson.com/manifesting/spinning-your-story.html . Slade's article is called "Spinning Your Story". Slade, thanks for the encouragement and support that you always give to me.

One of the best benefits of writing this blog has been the wonderful friends and readers that I have met through my writing.

Gratitude---A Life Saver

During the low times of my life, I have always used gratitude to pull me back to a place of balance. Thinking about the things in my life that I have to be grateful for aways lifts me up out of my "oh poor me" attitude that can carry me down into depression and keep me there drowning in my own feelings of shame and pity. Gratitude brings to mind the miracles in my life. It reminds me of all of the wonderful people that love and support me.

One of those miracles has to do with when I left home at 19. I finally had the courage to face my dad. I knew in my heart that if I didn't leave right then, that I would never get away from the abuse. Here is the miracle. When I told a college friend that I was leaving, she offered me a place to live for the summer and offered to help me get my first job. I took her up on her offer.

As determined as I was, if God had not put her in my path, I would have been out on the streets, on my own. I knew that if I didn't leave the abuse behind right then, that I would have died, maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. My spirit would have died. God has always put someone like this friend in my life whenever I have needed the outside love and support. I will forever be grateful to this friend. I had only known her for a few months. We were in several classes at a junior college together. She had a daughter my age. I lived with this family for 3 months and found out what "normal" was.

I remember an Oprah show where she gave everyone in her audience a gratitude journal to write down 5-10 things every day that they were grateful for. I liked the idea so much that for Christmas that year, I gave gratitude journals to all of my friends and some of my family members.

That year I wrote my own gratitude journal including 5 things I was grateful for each day. When I make a gratitude list and start the day with doing this, it affects my attitude for the entire day. What a wonderful way to start the day.



June 15, 2007
I made the decision to start my own gratitude journal starting today with the following 5 entries:

1. I am grateful for the love of my husband.

2. I am grateful that I have the love and support of my family and friends as I learn to be me.

3. I am grateful for all of the special people that God has put in my life when I needed a guiding hand, a teacher, or a life saver.

4. I am grateful for the joy of writing.

5. I am grateful for the opportunities to grow closer to the God of my understanding.




June 16, 2007

1. I am grateful for the inspiration that keeps coming my way.

2. I am grateful for my curiosity about life.

3. I am grateful for my thirst for knowledge.

4. I am grateful for my friends.

5. I am grateful for Daniel's (my husband) patience.



June 17, 2007
This morning, I actually remembered to start the day with writing these out instead of remembering later in the day. I had a joy filled and very productive day by setting my mood with these things to be grateful for.

1. I am grateful that I don't have to be perfect.

2. I am especially grateful for the bad things that happened to me in my childhood because they molded me into the compassionate, wonderfully caring, loving person that I am today.

3. I am grateful for my parents who were my greatest teachers.

4. I am grateful for the lessons that my children and grandchildren teach me.

5. I am grateful for my journey through this lifetime.

6. I am grateful for the opportunity to get to know the real, inner me.

Yes, there are 6 instead of 5. Didn't one of the above say, "I am grateful that I don't have to be perfect."



I challenge everyone that is reading this to start your own gratitude journal and let me know how this writing affects your life. Start each day by writing between 5-10 things that you are grateful for. If you forget one day, double up the next. Just do it. You will be glad that you did.

If you want more information about gratitude and its effects on you read the following 2 articles:
http://www.urbanmonk.net/57/the-most-effective-way-to-express-words-of-gratitude/


http://www.urbanmonk.net/56/little-secrets-of-the-power-of-expressing-gratitude-even-for-...

What's In A Name?

I was going to discuss the material in the following article in Biography---Part 2 but decided instead that the subject needed its own article. This information is edited from an email that I wrote to a friend back in December 2006.

When I was a child, I was called Patricia. Some of my friends at school called me Pat. Family has always called me Patricia. When I left home at 19, I became Pat and stopped using Patricia.

Patricia was a shy, abused child, scared of everyone and everything. Patricia was afraid of attention and starved for it at the same time. Patricia blended in. Patricia never had any opinions of her own.

Pat was a young adult, making her own decisions, living her life the way she wanted to for the first time in her life. Nobody was ever going to abuse Pat or tell her what to do again. Pat walked away from the abuse. She didn't deal with the way it affected her life. She would pretend that her family and childhood were normal.

When my husband, children and I moved to Hot Springs, Arkansas in October 1988, I knew it was time to work on me. In January 1989, I picked up a newspaper and found my first Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meeting and soon after started going to Al-Anon meetings as well, trying to understand my dad, my mom and myself. My dad and grandfather were both alcoholics. I worked on finding out who I was and what made me happy, angry, sad, and hurt for 10 years. The ACA group that taught me so much about alcohol and myself dissolved through lack of members a few years before I quit going to Al-Anon. I still called myself Pat instead of Patricia. I still had not reconnected with who Patricia was.

After I stopped going to Al-Anon meetings, I found a church and began to explore my relationship with God. As I looked at who my image of God was, I found myself on a whole other level. Through the Unity church and the friends that I made there, I began to remember the beliefs that I held as a child. I always knew that God was a part of who I was. Baptist and Assembly of God churches that I went to as a child, didn't tell me that. I just knew. Even during the abuse when I told myself that God had turned his back on me, in my heart, I knew that God was there enabling me to grow through and beyond the abuse.

About 2 years ago, I decided it was time to become Patricia again. This Patricia is the whole me, childhood experiences and memories and also the adult Pat with all of her hard work, experiences and wisdom. I have discovered that there are still some people that I don't want to call me Patricia so sometimes I still introduce myself as Pat instead of Patricia. I think it is a sign of trust to allow certain people to call me Patricia. Some of my friends still call me Pat. I haven't insisted that they suddenly start calling me Patricia. I can't tell you exactly what shifted in me 2 years ago when I decided to be called Patricia again. It just felt right. So, please call me Patricia.