Looking Back at 2015 And Forward To 2016

Happy 2016. I hope you all had a great Christmas. Mine was the usual traveling to visit family in Louisiana for Christmas Eve and then to Texas on Christmas Day. We had joyful times and the stress of organizing and traveling. 

We had family visiting the weekend before Christmas, adding to the joy and the stress both, for me. I love having family visit, once they are here. I had a meltdown a few days before they got here and realized that my inner child was worried about being judged as a terrible housekeeper because my bedroom is still a mess from my papers and books which have gotten out of hand. I asked Daniel for a new bookshelf for Christmas. It is already up and mostly filled. 

My inner child still carries shame from my dad making her feel not good enough when the work she did was never good enough for him. My company doesn't care that my bedroom is a mess. I understand this intellectually. I know the shame is from my childhood where both of my parents expected me to do work that no one ever took the time to show me how to do. Almost everything I know how to do is self-taught. 

I also told Daniel that I was angry at Pamela for not being here to listen to me talk the feelings out so I wouldn't have a meltdown. She died in April 2015. The grief comes and goes. Sometimes it is sadness and tears. Other times, like the week before Christmas, I feel angry and cry. When I talked about the meltdown with Daniel, I could see that I was feeling shame from my inner child again. I am not sure how to heal this shame so that it stops coming up again. 

Looking back at the year of 2015 for this blog shows that I only wrote 19 blog articles which gave me a total of 459 articles since the first one on June 1, 2007. Some of the topics that I wrote about were grief and letting go; silent anger; grooming of parents and children; The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress book; resistance to writing; healing and transformation; forgiveness; our 43rd wedding anniversary; doubt and self-awareness. 

Daniel asked me a few days ago whether I had a good year in 2015. 2015 was a hard year, not bad, just full of lessons, illnesses, and the death of my best friend. Frustration and tears were a part of my year. Frustration with my own health issues kept me searching for answers that my doctor wasn't able to give me. After about two years of almost constant headaches and blurry vision, both improved dramatically after I took antibiotics for blisters on my feet. I saw four doctors before one of them finally treated the blisters so that they went away. The first doctor that I saw gave me an antibiotic because he thought I might have a staph infection in the blisters. About two weeks later, I realized that the headaches were gone. The blurry vision didn't leave until I got a new prescription for my glasses. I have astigmatism so when my eyes get tired, things get blurry but not all of the time like they were for two years. I saw three different eye doctors and none of them asked about my last prescription which I did get changed two weeks after getting it filled, with no improvement. 

2015 was a year of more frequent trips to Louisiana because of Daniel's mom's declining health. For two months, we had Daniel's middle brother and his mother both in nursing homes. Daniel's mom got to go home at Thanksgiving. His brother was supposed to but got a bad eye infection the week of Thanksgiving. He went home for a trial week at Christmas. We need to call again to see how the two of them are doing. Daniel's oldest brother has had his hands full with both of them in different nursing homes. Daniel's mom hated the one his brother was in. She wasn't happy with any of the places she stayed because they weren't home. She wanted us down there every week and it just wasn't possible. We live three hours away and Daniel is self-employed so he isn't always able to just pick up and go when the jobs are coming in. Did I mention that 2015 was a long year. When we got home from Christmas, I had a cough that has finally started to get a little better. Today I am nauseous again and have an ear ache so I know that I have fluid behind my ear drums again. Being allergic to so many antibiotics makes it necessary for me to treat as many of my illnesses as I can with other remedies such as garlic, golden seal and herbs for allergies. They work but they take longer than antibiotics. Daniel hates the smell of garlic and I have to be careful that it doesn't send my blood pressure too low. 

I know that 2016 is going to be a great year because I choose to look at my life and the world through an attitude of gratitude this year. I intend to focus more on my writing of The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress book in 2016. I let too many things slow me down in 2015. My health issues have made me more aware that our time on this Earth plane is limited. The death of my friend Pamela has also given me more awareness in that area. She was from May to December older than me. None of us know how much time we really have. I intend to use my time better this year and get my book written. 2016 is a nine year. Nine is the number of completion. Pamela taught me that. She knew a lot of numerology facts. I tend to forget most of what she taught me in that area. She loved numbers. They are not my thing. They just don't stay in my mind or memory long. What things do you want to complete this year?

I read a lot. I love books and knowledge. The internet just opens up more knowledge for me to find and love. One of the websites that I receive a newsletter from weekly is called mindbodygreen. A recent article that I really liked and am sharing here is "15 Lessons I Learned in 2015".  You will find the article are the following link:
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23107/15-life-lessons-i-learned-in-2015.html

Also from mindbodygreen, I read an article called "The Mindset Shift That Can Make Every Moment Miraculous". The link to this article is at http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23098/the-mindset-shift-that-can-make-every-moment-miraculous.html

I do believe in miracles. I see them everywhere because I look for them. Gratitude is an important part of my day. Have a glorious 2016.
Patricia

Pain Caused By Regrets And Self-Doubts - Judging Ourselves

Please go and read the article "Memories and Regrets" from Beyond Survivor - The Wounded Warrior Blog written by my friend Jan L. Frayne at the following link:

http://whatislove-2010.blogspot.com/2015/08/memories-and-regrets.html

Come back here afterwards to read my thoughts about this post.

The Wounded Warrior expresses the pain and self-doubts that many survivors carry inside, hidden from the world most of the time. Voicing the pain of surviving through writing whether it is a blog like Beyond Survivor - The Wounded Warrior Blog or like here at Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker is important because giving voice to our pain frees other survivors to do the same.

Some survivors, like me, were alone with the abuser. Other survivors saw other children nearby also being abused. 

For years, I hoped and prayed that I was the only one that my dad was sexually abusing. Years later when I found out that he was abusing my sister by fondling and making sexual comments to, I was angry and felt guilty that I didn't protect her from him. I was the older sister. I loved my sister and I wanted her to be safe. She wasn't.

I can understand why Jan Frayne took on the blame for the abuse of the little boy that he saw being strangled. I, too, have said to myself, what if I had told?  Maybe my sister would have been saved from her experiences.

Looking back makes taking on the blame so easy for a survivor. We are looking back from a position of power as an adult. We didn't have that hindsight as a child.

As children, we didn't have any power. We couldn't protect ourselves or another child. No child should go through the abuse that we did. Yes, we were victims.

 I didn't have the courage to speak up as a child or even as a young adult. I wasn't able to overcome all of my fears in order to speak up. I could blame myself for my sister being abused or I can put the blame where it belongs, with my abusers. 

If we cannot prevent our own abuse from happening, how can we possibly save another child? We are not responsible for what our abusers did. That is just another form of victim blaming, even if it is ourselves we are blaming. Others do it to us often enough without us buying into it too. Stop victim blaming. 

Shift from feeling like a victim to offering love and comfort to your inner child. Feel what you feel and then let it go. You don't have to stay stuck in victim mode. Give your inner child more reasons to trust you. "Beyond" survivor doesn't mean you will never have to revisit being a survivor or a victim. Healing means going back and forth between the three as needed to heal. 

Memories come up because you are strong enough to face them. Dreams are all of the stuff that you are afraid to face in the waking world. Healing can take place in your dreams too. Keeping a dream journal can help you to figure out what your dreams are telling you. Memories and dreams are both part of healing.

Forgive yourself for what you couldn't control. Stop blaming yourself. Blaming yourself keeps you stuck in the hurt. You deserve better. 

Jan, be gentle with yourself as I have seen you be with other survivors. Beyond surviving - thriving - comes slowly but it does come. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Allow your friends to support you when you need us. You don't have to be strong alone. 

I copied a statement from one of my favorite teachers today that I want to share with you here.

"With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself, or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow, or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose."
                                         -Dr. Wayne Dyer
Patricia

Forgiveness Can Be So Complicated For Incest Survivors

Forgiveness can be so complicated for incest survivors. Some ask how do you forgive someone who hurt you so bad when they were the ones who should have been protecting you from harm? How can you forgive the sense of betrayal by the person who holds the biggest place in your heart when your abuser is your parent or a sibling? How can you forgive yourself when you grew up being told, by your abusers, that the incest was your fault. If you hadn't seduced them, they wouldn't have molested you. If you had been a good little girl or good little boy, you wouldn't have deserved to be sexually abused. How do you forgive yourself when you feel only hate for yourself? 

All of those are questions that I asked myself and every survivor that I know has also asked themselves those same questions. I have also heard survivors say, "Why should I forgive those monsters that took my innocence and destroyed my childhood? Why should I forgive such evil people?" I used to believe that forgiving my abusers meant that I was saying what they did to me was okay. That is never what forgiveness says. I know some survivors who say that they will never forgive their abusers. I can understand that stand even though I chose a different way. When you pressure a survivor to forgive before they are ready, you are adding more suffering to the abuse. Please don't do that. 

For myself, I have forgiven my abusers and myself. Even if you choose to not forgive your abusers, you should forgive yourself and your inner child. You were a child. You were not at fault or to blame for the abuse. Again, you were a child.  You may ask, "What do I need to forgive myself for?" I have written a whole article about that self-forgiveness that I will post at the end of this article. One thing to forgive yourself for is believing the lies of your abuser. You didn't know they were lying and giving your their shame. You didn't know it was theirs and not yours to carry. Forgive yourself for being a child who couldn't protect yourself. Your abusers had physical and emotional power over you because you were a child. Learning to love yourself and letting go of the self-hatred are a very important step to forgiving yourself. You were a child. If you could have done things differently, you would have. You were not in control of your life. Your abusers were.

Before I could forgive my abusers, I had to figure out what I felt and who I was. For years, I turned forgiveness over to God and asked Him to deal with it until I could. I didn't wake up one morning and decided to forgive. Forgiveness was a gradual process over years of healing. Only in looking back did I realize that forgiveness had happened. Forgiveness isn't a one time decision. Each time that a new layer of issues come up, I choose to forgive again. 

For me, the choice to not forgive just means I am still holding on to some anger that I need to feel and work through before I can let go. Once I can let go of the anger, which only happens after working through my feelings, then I can forgive again. Holding on to the anger doesn't have any effect on my abusers but it can hurt me by raising my blood pressure and creating illnesses in my body and mind. When that happens, my abusers win again. I am not into letting my abusers win. They had control when I was a child. As a survivor/thriver, I am the person in control of my life and the quality of my life. 
Patricia

Related Posts:

Prelude To Forgiveness @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/prelude-to-forgiveness.html

Forgiveness Is For You, Not The Other Person @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/forgiveness-is-for-you-not-other-person.html

What Does Forgiveness Mean To Me @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/09/what-does-forgiveness-mean-to-me.html

Forgiveness, Done In Layers @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/forgiveness-done-in-layers.html

Forgiveness, Lies And Trust @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2013/08/forgiveness-lies-and-trust.html

Journey To Your Heart - Learning To Love Yourself After Abuse @  http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/08/journey-to-your-heart-learning-to-love.html

Healing Is About Love And Compassion @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/10/healing-is-about-love-and-compassion.html

You Deserve Your Own Love Guest Post @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/09/you-deserve-your-own-love-guest-post.html

Silent No More---Resistance To Speaking Out

Writing my book The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress is a new step toward being silent no more. Each such step, for me, has been met by resistance, most of it internal but some of it from others.

The internal resistance can come from my inner child who is still afraid of rejection when I tell. Resistance can come from the fear of being blamed as a victim. Resistance can also come from fear of being misunderstood by others. Some question why I was silent for so long. The adult me doesn't fear any of those things but the inner child does. 

Outer resistance can come from others who want to remain in denial about incest and its long-time effects upon the survivor and her/his loved ones. I say loved ones because the incest affects those close to us. Our feelings, attitudes and reactions can affect our spouses, children and friends who live with us before and during the healing process.

Incest didn't just hurt me. My years of denial---of trying to pretend that I wasn't angry and hurting---and my years of struggling to feel again and to heal hurt my family and friends too. They had to deal with me when I was scared and when I was raging in pain in the years before I learned to control my rage and to face my fears. 

I have bumped into and faced resistance at every step of my healing journey. Feelings for an incest survivor can be extremely painful. No one wants to feel the pain. Resistance to feeling is there. 

Resistance is part of speaking out and telling others about the incest. Resistance comes from fear of the unknown. What will happen the first time you tell someone. Will they believe you? Will they hate you for sharing your painful secret because their own painful secrets are in their face?  What will happen to your abuser when you speak out? Will speaking out destroy your family or make the members stronger? Resistance comes because you often don't know the answers and that is frightening all by itself.

Telling one or two people is different than telling a group of 12-Steppers in meetings filled with 10-30 people in the room. I met resistance when my friend Slade Roberson suggested that I write a blog about being an incest survivor. I have been meeting and talking to survivors through my writing my blog for 8 years now. My 8th year Anniversary for Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker was on June 1, 2015.  During that about 4 or 5 of those years, I have used Facebook and Twitter to meet other survivors. Men survivors came into the picture and started breaking their own silences. 

Society seems to sometimes want to stay in denial of how many of us are being affected on a daily basis by incest and sexual assault. Rarely are children sexually assaulted by strangers as society wants us to believe. Most sexual assault is in the form of incest from a family member or friend who has authority over the child. Even judges and the courts resist believing the damage that can be done to a child by an abuser that the child knows and sometimes loves. This is society resisting change. Often our justice system is sadly lacking when it comes to helping a child to heal and receive some justice against the abusers. Cover-ups are resistance to seeing the truth. 

Writing my book is another instance of me facing my own resistance. My book is a further step in going public with my story of abuse and healing. What are you resisting in your life today? 
Patricia

The Case Of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress As Book Title

The tentative title for my book is The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress. That could change as I actually write the book but that is my thought for right now.

Over the weekend, I printed out the blog posts from 2007 and 2008 that might be included in my book. Those two years of posts have been divided into possible chapters.

Possible chapters are:  Introduction, Incest Story, Feelings, Change---Acceptance, Loving Myself, Inner Child, 12-Step Healing, Dad, Mom, Forgiveness, Protecting Our Children and finally Resources. Those chapter titles could change as the story progresses but this helps me to organize my thoughts for now. 

Over the next few days, I will be printing out the blog posts from 2009-2015 to be considered in telling my story of healing from incest. In 2008, I wrote over 80 articles, more than any other year that I have been blogging. 

Health issues and just living my life in general has affected how many blog articles I have written each year, with 2015 being the slowest year of all. My health seems to be better finally with not as many headaches since a doctor gave me antibiotics for a rash that I had on my feet several months ago. That makes me suspect that my headaches were allergy related with my sinuses being infected. With the antibiotics the headaches are almost gone. I have a history of sinus infections and that was the first thing that my doctor checked but she said that sinus x-rays are not reliable. Whatever the reason, the headaches are almost completely gone over the past month which is a relief after having them almost daily for about two years. I don't miss the pain at all. 

I hope you all are having a great week. We have had Heat Advisories almost every day for the past several weeks. I am staying inside out of the heat as much as possible. 
Patricia

Related Posts:

The Case Of The Three-Year-Old Adultress
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/08/case-of-three-year-old-adultress.html

Three Year Old Adultress Revisited - Inner Child Letters Series - 1
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/05/three-year-old-adultress-revisited.html

Three Year Old Adultress Carries The Shame Of Incest - Inner Child Letters Series
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/06/three-year-old-adultress-carries-shame.html

Healing The Writer: A Personal Account of Overcoming PTSD Book Review

Healing The Writer: A Personal Account of Overcoming PTSD is the second published book by my friend Dan L. Hays. It isn't the second book Dan has written. It is the second one that he published. Healing The Writer is Dan's story of why the first books weren't published and the healing that had to take place for Dan to be able to write again and become a published writer.  

Dan's is a story of healing from PTSD and facing fearful memories that his inner child blocked from adult Dan's memory for years. Through inner child exercises, over a period of time, Dan is able to get little Danny to tell his secrets and share his fears. 

What I like about Dan's books is that I always find something about Dan's healing journey that I can relate to. Sometimes it feels like Dan is telling part of my story in the feelings of being a survivor. Dan's writing always teaches me something about myself. 

I highly recommend Healing The Writer to any survivor of PTSD and anyone who has ever experienced writer's block. Dan shares some valuable exercises in working with your inner child too. 
Patricia

If you are interested, here is the link to my book review of Dan's first published book, Freedom's Just Another Word.

http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/04/freedoms-just-another-word-book-review.html

John Bradshaw Books And Healing Your Inner Child

Part of learning to love myself included connecting with my inner child. I needed to forgive her for not being able to protect herself when she was just a child. Giving the shame back to my abusers and listening to other survivors tell me that the incest was not my - her fault - helped me to accept that truth. John Bradshaw was one of the authors that helped me to let go of the lies and to connect with my inner child as well. Two of John Bradshaw's books that help me with this were:
1. Healing the Shame That Binds You
2. Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child

Another of John Bradshaw's books that helped me to see how dysfunctional my family was is called Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way Of Creating Solid Self-Esteem.

I wrote this article because I wanted to share the John Bradshaw books that helped me but also because I wanted to share the following article with you on steps to healing your inner child. A friend on Facebook shared it with me this week.

6 Steps to Help Heal Your Inner Child @
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/09/23/6-steps-to-help-heal-your-inner-child

I hope this will turn on your curiosity and you will want to read more of Mr. Bradshaw's writing.
Patricia

Inner Child Work And Feeling Safe

It seems that I am doing some inner child work lately. As I talked about in recent articles, my inner child does not feel safe right now. The only reason that I can come up with is writing my book has opened her up to all kinds of fears. Fear of being exposed to the world, on a bigger scale, as an incest survivor; breaking the bonds of silence in a new, bigger way; being vulnerable to so many strangers; being open to recalling new memories. All of it feels overwhelming to her. I can feel her fear and see her shaking.  I wonder if her fear is what is causing my headaches, in an effort to get me to stop writing but I am not going to do that. I can acknowledge her fears but I won't give in to them. If I gave into fear, I would never have left home when I did at 19. I would have never broken the silence of incest. I would never had told my dad that he wasn't safe to be in my life or around my children. I would never have written the first blog article or talked on the first radio program several years ago.

I see how far I have come today and I am proud of the courage that I have. I will keep facing my fears as they come up and I will assure my inner child that she is safe. I will pay attention to what her feelings tell me. And I will continue to write.

I have decided that something that might help is to go back and reread the book Recovery of Your Inner Child: The highly acclaimed method for liberating your inner self written by Lucia Capacchione, Ph. D., Published by Simon & Schuster, New York, NY: 1991.  This book taught me the importance of writing with my non-dominant hand in order to give my inner child a voice. I haven't done any of that kind of writing in many years. Maybe that will give me some answers to what is going on right now rather than me just guessing.

One thing that I learned is that the inner child is the keeper of my creativity. I realized recently that it was her fear that was blocking me from writing. When I faced that fear, the words started to flow again.

Another book that helped me with inner child work is an affirmations book that I have recently shared from, here in my blog. The book is called Affirmations For The Inner Child written by Rokelle Lerner. This book takes you throughout the year with an affirmation to be read for each day of the year.  I wanted to share the affirmation with you from March 3 on Safety.

"It is safe for my inner child to emerge.

The child within runs and hides when someone wants to come close. He lets himself be seen only for a short time, then gets frightened and runs away to hide again. He wants so much to be loved, to play, to experience the goodness of life. But life is too scary. Indeed, life has never been safe for him.

It is time to make life safe for my inner child and I have the power to create a safe haven. Safety brings freedom not only to accept and love myself but also to love others.

As I concentrate on making a safe haven for my inner child, I will be aware of my friends, old and new. I will choose friends who are emotionally healthy or moving on the journey toward wholeness. It is within the loving bonds of friendship that my inner child can come out and learn to feel safe."

Another friend of mine who is working with inner child issues is Mary Graziano. I want to share the link to one of her blog posts called "Memories Still Do Hurt."
 
http://nippercats.blogspot.com/2014/03/inner-child-is-hurting.html

I hope that all of you are having a good week. Keep telling yourself that Spring is just around the corner. I think most of us are tired of old man Winter.
Patricia

 

Sharing Our Stories And Healing From Incest - Does It Get Easier?

I am going to start this blog post with a quote from one of my favorite authors/guest speakers today in the world of healing resources.

"When you stand and share your story in an empowering way, your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else."
                           ----Iyanla Vanzant

A special online friend of mine, Debra Estep, shared this quote with me a few days ago with the words:

"Patricia ... To you, the one who stands out there sharing bringing 'healing' to others"

Debra's words brought such joy to my heart, as well as tears to my eyes, when I read them. Debra has been one of my supporters almost from the very beginning of my blog. She and I were introduced to each other through our mutual friend Slade Roberson who inspired me to start a blog in the first place. I appreciate the support of these two friends who have watched me struggle and grow comfortable here with sharing my story and reaching out to other survivors. Their encouragement is always appreciated. I love you both, my friends.

Someone asked me recently, "Does it get easier?"

Sharing our stories gets easier as you do it. Healing in itself gets easier with work and with time. And that said, each time a new issue comes up for me, I still feel some of the old pain but not with the intensity of in the beginning. An issue doesn't take the months to get through that it once did. Today an issue is usually worked through in a short amount of time. The new issue may take hours or even a few days to a week depending upon how much time and effort I put into working through it. The feelings around the issue and the issue itself don't take up my entire life like it did when I was just starting to heal.

Healing isn't about taking short cuts. I don't know of any easy ways to get rid of the pain. You have to go through the feelings, many of which were stuffed inside and numbed by this addiction or that one. Healing is the most painful thing you will probably ever do but you will find sunshine and a good life on the other side. Be patient and kind with yourself. Stop resisting your own pain. Quit resisting your own healing. You don't have to beat yourself up for not moving as fast as those inner voices say you have to. You can quiet those voices. Like your abusers, they are lying to you.

As you go through your day, look for the little things that you can be grateful for - the little wonders that pass through your day, the moments of silence when you can feel the presence of God in your life, the awesomeness of nature and how it helps to center you in the middle of some of the chaos that working on healing creates. Find the gift of a new awareness that you gained today as you let go of the lies. You will always find the gift at the end of the lesson if you take the time to look for them. Did you find a new piece of yourself today to add to the puzzle that is you? You won't see it if you move forward with your eyes closed. Be open to whatever experience comes your way today. You may see yourself as broken and you can always be mended. Mended is always stronger than the original.

In my experience, you have to go through the feelings in order to heal and that hurts most of the time. You have to feel the grief for all of the losses of the abused child that you were. You have the strength to get through it, just one day at a time. My anger was the first feeling that I became aware of. As I looked closer at the anger and rage, I found that they were both often just cover-ups for more hurt. The sadness that has been such a part of my being since I was a little girl was because of all of the hurt and the grief that she carried inside. As I learned to feel and learned to love myself, I was able to work through and then let go of much of that hurt and grief. The sadness lifted and joy returned. I say returned because children are naturally full of joy when they are born. If you don't believe me, just watch a baby laugh. See if you can touch that joy inside of yourself. It may be hidden beneath the hurt and sadness of the abuse. The joy is still there waiting for you to reach in and pull it out. Find something in your day to make you laugh. Think of something that you really like to do and do it.

Taking breaks from healing are absolutely necessary. The work of healing is hard. You can feel really overwhelmed at times. You can lose sight of the good things in your life. Start a hobby that you really like doing. Your inner child will love the opportunity to play. She/He will reward you with the joy that will come bubbling up unexpectedly when what you are doing connects with that well of creativity inside of you.

Sometimes you need to just sit and watch a child play. Watch a movie that you know will make you laugh and sometimes a movie that will make you cry, if that is what your heart needs at the moment. Tears are healing too. Go out for coffee with a friend. Take your pet for a walk. Get out in nature.

Then once you feel better, go back to the hard, but rewarding, work of healing you. Because you took a break, you will be better able to handle tomorrow and whatever issues the day brings to you. You are worth it. Some day, you won't hurt as much. You will get through today. One day at a time. Instead of looking at how much work you have left, look back at how far you have come. Be proud of yourself. Reward yourself for the small accomplishments you make. Take a moment to enjoy the sunshine in your life. The world isn't only clouds but you know what? Some of the most beautiful days I have ever seen were just full of clouds. Look at how the sun plays and creates such beauty out of the clouds. Clouds are much more interesting than just a clear, blue sky. So is your life.
Patricia

Boundaries, Detachment And Self-Worth

"I can be emotionally separate and still be caring.

I will not take on the anger, fear or moodiness of those around me today.

In my dysfunctional family, no one encouraged me to be a separate individual. When my parents were angry or depressed, I was made to feel it was my fault. I was expected to rescue them emotionally. Well, taking on the rescuer role didn't work in childhood and it hasn't worked in my adult life either. Because the source of others' unhappiness is inside them, nothing I can do will lift it from them. My detachment doesn't mean I don't care about their pain; it means that I know I cannot save them from their own moods.

I will honor my individuality today by refusing to take on the negative emotions of those around me."

From the book Affirmations For The Inner Child, written by Rokelle Lerner, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, Florida: 1990, 2010, From the page February 28 - Boundaries.


I wanted to share this with you because it describes my childhood so well and one of my roles in my dysfunctional family. I was the protector of my mother's feelings from the age of three when I remember assigning myself that role.

Family caretaker for everyone was another of my roles. Some good things came out of my caretaker role. I am a responsible adult who cares about people in my family, friends and about society in general. One of the not so good things that came out of that role was that I became a people pleaser and lost myself in the deal. I was so busy taking care of everyone else that I often felt overly tired, overwhelmed and angry. I wasn't allowed to have a childhood. I was too busy taking care of my family and their needs.

I became bossy as the oldest child with two younger siblings who were my responsibility. If they got into trouble, it was my fault. I should have kept them out of trouble.When I learned about detachment, I was able to let go of what wasn't my responsibility. I didn't have all of the answers for my siblings.

I knew how to fix everything and everybody. That was the illusion I tried to convince myself and everyone else was true because I had to earn your love. If I did enough you would love me. And I had to do everything perfectly so that no one could criticize me like both of my parents did when I was struggling to be a child with too much responsibility.

I am a terrible housekeeper today, partly because my inner child is in open rebellion about all the housework that I did as a child with nobody teaching me how to do any of it. The only thing I can tell you my mother taught me how to do in all those childhood years was when I was 11 years old, she taught me how to make biscuits. From then on making biscuits became my job in the evenings during the week and two times a day on weekends and in the Summer months until I left home at age 19. Everything else I learned how to do by experimenting with trial and error. I was told to do a chore without anyone taking the time to show me how except what I learned to do in Home Economics in school in the 7th, 8th, and 9th grades.

I also realized again this week, that I still feel some shame in this area when it comes to inviting people into my home. I just don't know how to change this. I know it shouldn't matter what other people think and still in this area I am afraid of being criticized. My housework was never good enough for my dad when I was a child. I would get called stupid and be told I was as slow as grandma or as slow as Christmas and generally made to not feel good enough. This may seem small to some people but it is still a big issue for me.

Along with shame over being a bad housekeeper, I feel fearful of having others in my home right now. I recently told my husband that may be because of the writing that I am doing right now - going deeper into more layers with my issues. I just don't want anyone here but me and Daniel. I guess with this writing, I feel exposed which doesn't make a lot of sense because I have been writing for this blog for over six years now. I need my space to be safe. With Daniel and I, I do feel safe.

I feel bad because an online friend is visiting my town this weekend. He is a guest speaker at one of the area churches. I haven't extended an invitation for him to stay with Daniel and I. I am going to see him at the church on Sunday. This will be the first time that we will meet face to face. He is someone that I have enjoyed knowing for almost the entire time I have been a blogger. I am not afraid of him. The fear is from deep inside of me. The shame is still there inside my inner child. I am not sure how to convince her to let go of it, if she can let go of it at this stage in my life. I am not giving up. Knowing me, I will probably give him a copy of this post to read since it explains my feelings pretty good. This is my issue, not his. I am not done working though it yet. I don't know if I ever will finish with this one. I won't give up on my inner child or on me. Thanks for reading and having patience with me.
Patricia

Healing From Incest Vs. Being Stuck In The Past

To often a person who is not a survivor of child sexual abuse looks at a struggling survivor and thinks she/he is stuck in the past. They may even voice their judgments to the survivor and tell them to just get over it or just let it be, it is in the past. Unknown to the person looking on, there is a difference between being a victim still stuck in the past with no apparent way to get out of the pain and a survivor who is revisiting the past in order to heal and work their way through the feelings of the past. In order to heal, especially if you were like me and still in denial that the past was affecting me, you do have to visit the past, look at it really hard and bring awareness that you still hurt because of the past. You still grieve because of the past. All childhood abuse can still hurt badly when you are an adult until you are ready to face it and work through it. Talking about your issues from the past in order to heal from it can look, to an outsider, like you are stuck in the past, especially when you break the silence of abuse and the words flow out of you like water from a broken dam. I had held in the words of abuse from at least age three until I was 38. That is 35 years of words and feelings that had to get out in order to heal.

Some things can be healed fast and you no longer need to talk about them. Incest isn't one of those things that heals fast. The only time I was stuck in the past was when I was still denying it was hurting me. As long as a survivor is taking steps forward, they are healing. It is only when we stand still and refuse to move forward, when we refuse to heal and feel, that we become victims again. Some people do wallow in the attention that they get and refuse to move forward. They could be said to be stuck in the past.

Most survivors are working hard to move forward. Please don't label a survivor as stuck in the past just because you hear them talking over and over again about their abuse. Stop and listen and see if they are moving forward or standing still. Do they just want sympathy or do they want your support and maybe some validation because they are learning to validate themselves. Do they need your love while they are learning to love themselves. I talked for 10 years in 12-Step meetings and I was also writing and looking inward and learning to feel the hurt so that I could release it. Don't judge a person as stuck when you haven't been through their hurt and you haven't walked down their path with them. You have no idea what it feels like to be a survivor of incest unless you too are an incest survivor.

Now I want to talk to the survivors who are reading this article. When you get really really tired of going through the pain of healing, it is okay to take small breaks in your day and do something else that makes you feel good about being you. Do something that makes you laugh out loud. Listen to yourself. Doesn't that feel good. Ask someone for a hug. Talk to someone that you know will really listen and validate what you are feeling. That isn't everyone. Not everyone can be trusted with your vulnerability. Sharing your feelings is always good, as long as the person you share with is a safe person.

 See the hurting little girl or little boy inside of you and sit with them in your mind and ask them if they would like a hug. If it is the first time you have talked with your inner child, don't feel rejected if she/he says no. It takes time to win the trust of your inner child. If you are like I was, for so many years, you totally ignored her and her pain. You may have even blamed her for the pain. Keep trying and over time she/he will come and climb into you lap for a hug. Love yourself and your inner child through the hurt. Forgive yourself for blaming your inner child and ask for her/his forgiveness.

Sit down with the quiet inside of you and talk to God. Ask for his help and guidance. Ask for a sign that you are going the right way. Close your eyes and imagine God and your personal angels hugging you tight. Ask God for the strength that you need to get through the hard times. Don't forget to thank God for the good times when they come. None of us is really alone. You just have to remember to talk to God. He is always there.

Now that you are feeling better, get back to work. One day there won't be as much work to do. One day you will see that you are moving from survivor to thriver. I know if I can do it, so can you, my friend. I love you all. Now please love yourself as well.
Patricia

Resentment Doesn't Harm Anyone But You

Good afternoon. What a beautiful day it is outside. The sun is shining and the Autumn winds are blowing. Sometime about the wind has always made me feel joy and so alive. As a child, I loved to run in the wind. Of course, as a child, I loved to run any time I could. Walking was just too slow to get me where I wanted to go. I hope that you all are having a wonderful day of healing and growing. 

 

Over the past few days, I have looked inward to my inner self to deal with some of my own issues. Small ones but they still needed to be looked at so that I don't become resentful. Resentment doesn't harm anyone but me. The other person doesn't even know that is how I feel. Most of us don't share our feelings with those that we carry resentment toward. I am no different than you. 

 

In order not to hold on to the resentment, I need to look at where it is coming from and how can I let go of it. I do that by looking at the feelings that cause my resentment to come out. This time my resentment came about because of someone else's sense of superiority brought up my feelings of not being good enough and of not being listened to or not having my opinion being valued by the other person. 

 

I felt like I wasn't good enough and that my different opinion was not being valued twice this week so I needed to look at my own issues rather than getting angry at the other person and creating drama and getting drawn into an argument. I can't help that the other person believes he/she is superior to everyone else. That is his/her problem, not mine. I can only deal with the feelings that come up in me. I have come to know for myself that a person with a superiority complex also has a frightened little child inside but I can only deal with my own frightened inner child, not theirs. 

 

When I realized that my feelings came from the years of living with my emotionally abusive rageaholic dictator dad, I could let go of the resentment that had been building in me over the past few days. My value doesn't come from another person, especially someone else who believes he/she is superior to everyone else. I don't need to hold on to the resentment or even be angry with the other person. 

 

I can forgive myself for feeling less than good enough. I can know that my value is not dependent upon another person hearing my opinion or not. My self-worth comes from loving myself. I give me value, not another person. I hope my words help someone else who may be struggling with feelings of less than good enough today. You are always good enough. Anyone who brings up those feelings of less than in you isn't your friend. They don't deserve you or your time. 

 

You can all do your own work of healing when these kinds of issues come up for you. I am no different than you. We all hurt and we all can heal. Don't let another person's behavior send you into a tail spin of low self-worth. That is the objective of a person with a superiority complex. Don't play their mind games. You will never win and the sad thing is they think they do win but they don't. Superiority or inferiority complexes both keep you in the pain rather than helping you to heal. Resentment isn't your friend either. Let go of it. You deserve joy and peace.

Happy healing. Enjoy your day.

Patricia

Processing Fears Of Inner Child

So many of my incest issues have been healed and no longer influence my day-to-day life that I am always surprised when the inner child and the fears that she carries rise up again. As a survivor, (Maybe everyone does this, I don't know.) I have fears that I face and release quite often. The thoughts come and go. I acknowledge them and let them pass on without reacting to them. Those thoughts are no longer issues or triggers for me.

On long trips, like our Gettysburg, PA trip, my inner child sometimes gets the upper hand and acts out. As an incest survivor who grew up with a controlling, dictator, possibly narcissistic father, I have an irrational fear that is still pretty big sometimes of being out of control of my own life and decisions. This fear comes up on long driving trips where there is speed and lots of lanes of traffic, especially in big cities that I don't know or when it is dark and raining as it did several times on our trip.  For whatever reason, Daniel plays into my fears too. I talked with him yesterday and he didn't realize that I was reacting out of fear. I guess he just thought I was being bitchy and controlling. I don't want to focus on his part in our little drama. That doesn't help me to figure out me and my inner child. Focusing on someone else is just a way to keep from looking at my part in the drama, which accomplishes nothing in stopping the drama from happening again.

This processing may take me some time to get through because of the grief that gets added on to the other feelings that came up during the trip. I have to find a way to assure my inner child that she is safe, that I will always do what is in my power to protect her. She is not defenseless like I was with the incest and emotional abuse from my dad when she was little. I am an adult and can protect myself and her. I did let my husband know that his behavior lead me to feel that my feelings weren't important. I need to trust my husband's driving skills more too. I need to tell him when he scares me instead of holding it in and hoping it will go away. He is not a mind reader.

Grief always comes along after an issue like this because of the losses involved. Sometimes the grief comes for a day, sometimes for several days. Today I don't ignore the grief. I acknowledge it for the heavy, dark feeling that it is. I feel it until it goes away, until the next time. I grieved for much of my childhood with the adult responsibilities and the unchildlike behavior that was expected of me by the adults in my life. I called it sadness then and knew it was my constant companion at least from the age of 7. Today I know that sadness for the grief of a small child who had so many losses in her young life. This grief is another sign that something was seriously wrong in my childhood at an early age. The abuse didn't start when I was 11 years old. Something happened to that small child of three or younger that I simply do not have the memories of. Grieving is healing that is necessary to move on, to grow. Ignoring grief doesn't make it go away. More grief just gets added on top of that grief that you already carry. For the first time in my life, I recognize grief and even welcome it because I know it means I am healing and letting go of another layer of abuse instead of holding the grief inside to eat away at me.

Being at Gettysburg and visiting the actual battlefield after the reenactment was a humbling experience. I am grateful for the experience and for the processing that is going on right now. It is sometimes painful but the experience is also a necessary part of my healing. As I said in the chatroom of the radio program last night, "In payment for the present pain of healing, I have more moments of joy, laughter and peace in my life today." I talked a little about my processing on the radio program Butterfly Dreams-What is Freedom last night. Here is the link if you are interested in listening:

http://www.Blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery/2013/07/09/butterfly-dreams-what-is-freedom

Last night's show was a special two-hour program. I am not on until the last 20 minutes or so. I missed most of the first hour of the show myself because of a new meditation group that my friend and I went to for the first time last night. I miss meditating with a group. Group meditations seem so much more powerful than just doing it by myself. I hope this group works for me even though it means I will come in late for each of the Monday evening Butterfly Dreams radio programs. In case you miss the live shows, each of the Butterfly Dreams shows are archived for later listening. I learn so much from Patricia McKnight's programs that start at 8:00 p.m. CST in the U. S. on Mondays, Wednesdays and with Debra Mize on Thursday evenings. I hope you will check out the programs.
Patricia

Healing From Incest Takes Time

Healing from childhood sexual abuse takes time and much effort on your part and you are worth both. The most important step is learning to love yourself. Most incest victims hate and blame themselves for their abuse. Know that the blame and shame belong to your abusers, not to the child you were then or to the adult you are now. Love both your inner child and the adult that you have become. You are both survivors. Many children don't survive. If you survived, you can heal.

Learn to trust yourself and a few close friends with your story of incest. Telling is more than okay. Your healing depends upon telling someone else the many secrets that you were forced to keep by your abusers. Don't tell just anyone. Tell someone that you trust. You may not trust anyone because of your abuse. In your childhood, you couldn't trust those who were closest to you, if like with me, they were your abusers. Trust is a very big issue and one that you need to do very carefully. Sadly, the world is full of people that you shouldn't trust with your story and your vulnerability. As an adult, there are abusers who will instintively pick up that you are vulnerable and will take advantage if you give them the chance. Believe your heart and your gut when you get signals to run away from these people. This is one reason why learning to trust yourself and your intuition are so important. Really listen to your body. I know how hard that is if you disconnected from your body as a child in order to survive the pain of incest. I also know from my own experience that you can learn to reconnect. Be patient and kind with yourself as you learn to do this. You are blessed to live in a time when many resources are available for your use.

Trust a few close friends with your story or, if it is easier, trust a roomful of strangers, like I did, in 12-Step programs. Those people weren't strangers for long. They totally accepted me and my story of incest.  Today I thank God that my dad was an alcoholic. I was able to find out how I was affected by the family disease of alcoholism and had taken on the characteristics of both of my parents but I also found a safe place to talk about the incest. I talked and talked and talked until I started to feel and the hurt started to leave. Talk as much as you can until the abuse is talked out of your body and mind. Some people will think you are stuck in the memories and will possibly wish you would just shut up. Don't shut up and don't trust those people.  Most people don't realize that you were silenced for so long that you can't let the hurt and anger go with just a few words and wishes. You have to work at and talk your way through the healing process. Writing helps too if you are a writer like me. You are worth whatever it takes to heal. Find a counselor or therapist that will listen and help you work through your pain. Don't settle for just any therapist. Not all are trained to help incest survivors. A therapist that doesn't know what they are doing can do more harm rather than helping you. Sometimes you just don't click with that person. Find a therapist that you can trust and feel safe sharing your story with.

Find others who can love you until you can love yourself. Surround yourself with people who will support you through the long journey to healing. Some won't stay for very long. Those who do will be your true friends. If you trust the wrong person with your story and get hurt by them. Let go of them and move on. Don't stay in an abusive relationship. You do not deserve to be revictimized by anyone. You couldn't do anything about the abuse you suffered as a child. As an adult, you can choose to say no to abuse of any kind and leave if the other person doesn't. Don't trust everyone with yourself or with your story. You deserve to be believed. If others can't treat you with respect and kindness, leave them behind. Move forward into your healing.

As I said before, trust your intuition which will tell you who is trustworthy and who isn't. Start with trusting yourself. Be kind and compassionate with yourself first. Start to listen to your inner voice that has your best interest at heart. Don't listen to any critical inner voices that you got from your parents or abusers. Learn to tune them out. Critical inner voices don't have your best interest at heart. Being critical of yourself is just carrying on the shame that your abusers passed on to you. Don't shame and blame yourself. Being responsible for your own actions is not the same as blaming and shaming. Feeling guilty for making a mistake is not the same as feeling shame because you were taught that you are the mistake. You are not a mistake, now or ever. That is the abuser speaking. Don't listen to that crap any more. You are worthy and lovable. Love yourself and heal. You are worth it.
Patricia

No Instant Fixes For Childhood Sexual Abuse

With the pain of childhood sexual abuse, no instant fixes exist, that I know of. You and your inner children are worth every bit of time and effort that it takes to heal. Just like you went from victim to survivor, you can now go from survivor to thriver and experience joy, peace and happiness in your life. These emotions take time to find as they have been buried under the pain and memories of your sexual abuse.  As you heal, they will return to your life. I know this is possible because over the past few years, I have moved from survivor to thriver.

Becoming a thriver doesn't mean that I will never again feel the pain of my childhood of abuse in the form of incest and my dad's alcholism. I do still have issues come up, sometimes suddenly and without warning. I still hurt and sometimes feel anger and sadness. The difference is that those feelings don't weigh me down and take me into depression like they once did. They visit for shorter lengths of time and the intensity isn't as strong. I recognise them as issues and work on healing and releasing them. I didn't used to recognise my own feelings for what they were. I just knew I was always tired and always carried a deep sadness within my heart and mind. Today I don't.

As a thriver, I really do love myself. Those aren't just meaningless, wishful words. They are true. I know that you can transition from survivor to thriver too. I am not the only one capable of doing this work. It is work. I don't know of any instant fixes. If the fixes were instant, the value of the whole healing experience would not be the same. Through the experince of healing, I learned to love and value myself and you can do the same. Healing from childhood sexual abuse is a process that you are worth starting and continuing with in your life. I am just one example of how this process does work. I know many more survivors that have done the work of healing.

Life is for more than just surviving. We are not meant to be victims of life and mean spirited abusers. We are meant to be thrivers. I wish for you a glorious day and many blessings. You deserve both.
Patricia 

Resources For An Incest Survivor And Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families

All of the books listed here are books that I have used in my own healing process over the years.  Some of the first ones listed are the very first books that I found and read back in the 1990's. I checked each of them on Amazon to see if they were still available for purchase and they are. I hope that you find them as useful as I did in my healing.  They are not listed in alphabetical order. The books are listed in the order that I remember using them myself over the years.

Affirmations for the Inner Child, by Rokelle Lerner, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1990, 2010.

Believing In Myself: Self Esteem Daily Meditations, by Earnie Larsen, Simon & Schuster, Inc./Fireside, New York, NY, 1991.

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-worth, by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1987, 2010.

Compassion and Self Hate: An Alternate to Despair, by Theodore I. Rubin, Touchstone, Rockefeller Center, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY, 1975, 1998. (Touchstone is part of Simon & Schuster)

Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics), by John Bradshaw, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1988.

Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, by Charles L. Whitfield, M. D., Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1989, 2006.

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self, by Charles Whitfield, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1993, 2010.

Codependant No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself, by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, 1986, 1992.

Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time, by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, 1989.

The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series), by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, June 1990.

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives, by Pia Mellody, HarperCollins Publishers, New York, NY, 1989.

Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody, HarperCollins Publishers, New York, NY, 1989.

I Never Told Anyone: Writings by Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Ellen Bass, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1991.

The Courage To Heal: A Guide For Women Survivors Of Child Sexual Abuse, 3rd Edition by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, Harper & Row, Publishers, 1988; HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 2008.

The Courage To Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Laura Davis, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1990.

A Gift to Myself: A Personal Workbook and Guide to "Healing the Child Within", by Charles L. Whitfield, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1990.

Secret Survivors: Uncovering Incest and Its Aftereffects in Women, by E. Sue Blume, Ballantine Books, a Division of Random House, Inc., New York, NY, 1990.

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child, by Laura Davis, Harper Perennial, a Division of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1991.

These are a few of the resources that I used in the beginning of my healing journey from incest and being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  For me, the alcoholism and the incest were intertwined in my life. That is why you will find so many of these books are about codependence and working with the inner child. The inner child is the one who experienced the childhood abuse and allowed us to survive into adulthood. I will do a second list of resources soon. I hope that I haven't overwhelmed you with all of these but I had so many good resources at my fingertips in the 1990's that I didn't have in the early 1980's when I first told my husband and my sister that I was an incest survivor.  I didn't immediately start working on my incest issues or reading books about it until after I had done some work on healing from codependence and being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic because my marriage was at risk. The 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon helped me to heal enough to finally start working on my incest issues.  Let me know if you have any favorites that helped you that I don't have included here.
Patricia

Owning My Personal Power - Insights

Owning my personal power is something that I feel like it has taken me years to do. In the beginning, I had no idea what personal power was. If I had any, where was it? What was it? How was it going to change my life?

As a child and a victim of incest, I felt like only my abusers had any power. When I tried to be powerful and not afraid, the abusers quickly made sure that I was put back in my place. I was always afraid of other people - afraid to speak out about the abuse, afraid to speak up and call attention to myself, afraid that if people knew about the incest they would blame me and call me trash, whore, tramp. I was afraid I would die from the shame if others knew. From that position of victim, I couldn't see that I had any power. Those thoughts continued into my adulthood.

As a survivor, I had to work hard to discover who I was. Knowing who I was didn't come easy. As a child of incest, I forgot all of that in order to stay sane and to stay alive. I did a lot of trial and error, as a survivor, starting with recognizing the things that I didn't like and didn't want in my life. As a child who saw only negatives from the surrounding adults, how could I possibly, as an adult, automatically know about positives in life? I didn't.  All I could connect with, in the beginning, was what I didn't like. After acknowledging and letting go of the negatives for awhile, I could begin to see positive things happening in my life. I could begin to acknowledge,
"Yes, I like this."
"Yes, this feels good."
"Yes, I want this in my life." and finally,
"Yes, I deserve to have this good in my life. I deserve to not have to constantly struggle and be disappointed in myself, others and life in general."

Then there was room to see the positives in my life and in who I was. That change started with learning to love myself and forgiving myself for my reactions to the abuse or to the triggers in life. I could change from reacting to acting which meant letting go of the need for drama and really, fully living my life without the hyper vigilance of my childhood and the stress that went with it. I could find real calmness and peace within myself rather than just the surface calm that most people saw in me.

As a thriver, I am coming into my own power and glorying in it. I am a person of great value. We all are. I am not a victim and I am more than just a survivor.

Owning my own power means I can be me, whoever that is. Shining my Light for everyone to see, loving myself in all of my perfection and imperfections, loving and nurturing all of my inner children while not allowing them to control my adult life, truly loving all of me, even the shadow parts - this is owning my power in all of its fullness. Being able to say, "I am sorry." and then changing any behaviors of mine that have been inappropriate or dysfunctional is a step to owning my personal power. Letting others see me in my imperfections takes courage that I seem to have plenty of. As a child, I didn't think that I was courageous at all. I was. Courage is needed to survive incest. Even more courage is needed to become a survivor and even to thrive and I am worth it. So are each of you who are reading my words today. I encourage you to look for your own courage. It is there inside of you. Be brave. You can do it. I am no different than any other thriver who has been through the fires of incest and has come out the other side.

This article was inspired by a comment that I left on the blog of a friend, Sophie whose blog post "Owning my Power" you will find at the following link:

http://www.attunementsforthesoul.com/owning-my-power

Thank you Sophie for the inspiration and for your blog Attunements For The Soul.
Patricia

Guest Blogger Jane Rowan and The River of Forgetting

Hope that all of my American friends had a great 4th of July.  Today I have a special treat for my readers.  I have my first ever Guest Blogger, Jane Rowan author of the book The River of Forgetting here to answer some interview questions about herself and her book.

Thank you Jane for consenting to do this written interview with me so that my readers can learn more about you and your book.  I just finished reading your book a few days ago.  Your book is an amazing tale of recovery from incest through the use of Inner Child work.  Your story shows your courage and stamina in dealing with fragmented memories and frightened inner children. I knew a little bit about your story because of our initial contact on Twitter and on your webpage.  I was curious to understand how a person with only fragmented memories, at best, could go about healing from the wounds of incest.  I have six years of memories of my own incest abuse.

Why I was interested in reading Ms Rowan's book? Because I also have clues that my incest abuse started before the age of three.  I have a very definite clue in that at three years old, I labeled myself an adulteress.  I have no memories to go with that clue showing that I might have been sexually abused early in my childhood.  I was interested to see if Jane ever got her full memories back or had to work on just the clues.  I will soon be starting my own inner child work to see what I can recover.  I know that the memories are there being held somewhere in my child's mind and in my body-memories.  Like for Jane, my memories of this early incest are held by my younger inner children.  Inner child work is often the key to healing from abuse.

Welcome to my written interview with Jane Rowan, author of The River of Forgetting.  Ms Rowan's words are shown in italics.



1.  Can you tell my readers a little about your life before the memories started to surface?

As a science professor, I was busy and successful. I loved teaching.  The politics with some of my colleagues really got to me at times, and I found myself in conflicts fairly often.  Being a strong woman in a male field isn't easy, but my need for control was perhaps a bit excessive. I was divorced, with one grown son, and my father had died just a year before the memories began coming.  I didn't feel defective but my friendships were a bit unsatisfying and I was probably uptight.

2.  What triggered your memories?

Several things, I think.  My father's death was one factor. My son was out of the house, so I had more energy to tend to my own needs. I had been in therapy for a few years, and was thinking of terminating, when my therapist asked, "So what about relationships?"

For some reason, that question about relationships really struck deep, and I admitted I didn't have enough closeness in my life. Then one day when my therapist asked about how my Inner Child was feeling, I found myself in a profound fog, really far out there and lost.  It was dissociation, of course.  Then just a few days later, I literally woke up, first thing in the morning, to the first memory.  It was a very complete sensory memory of sitting on the toilet when I was only three years old, and it hurt to pee; I could see the bathroom and where the door was, and the bathtub and the window.  I didn't know what had happened to make me hurt.  I just knew that my mother's explanation of it was wrong.  That's what started me on the "detective story of the soul" that is my life and my book.

3.  What made you decide to write a memoir?

I'd been keeping a journal for years and years already.  When these memories began to overwhelm me with waves of feelings - doubt, nausea, grief, fear, rage - I needed to write more and more just to stay sane.  After six years of therapy about the abuse, when I saw light and joy coming into my life, I experienced such a wave of gratitude that I wanted to celebrate my work in therapy, the amazing process that it can be, and my therapist's skill and care.

It seemed natural, even mandatory, to write it out and share it.  Of course, as I wrote I experienced the feelings over again and understood more and more, so the book has layers of meaning for me and , hopefully, for the reader.  Readers tell me it takes them inside the therapy process as no other book does, and helps them see from the inside what the transformation can be like.  Although survivors' experiences differ, many of the emotions and reactions are the same.

4.  Give us a brief preview of your book.

My memoir begins at that moment when I woke up one morning with the memory I described to you above.  For the first year, I wrestled with daily doubts that anything could have happened within my loving, eccentric family.  Fortunately, I already was seeing a terrific, empathic therapist who was my lifeline through all of this.  As I delved into my past, I remembered snapshots of childhood memories of boat trips and daily life and endearing oddities, but also my father's affairs and strange things he said about sex. Then a specific body-memory came to me and whirled me into nausea and confusion.  It had no visual components but it was vivid and compelling. I could not have made up a flashback like this.  It was awful.

I found myself incredibly angry at my mother for her passivity that enabled my father to abuse me.  Then as she aged and was dying, I had to decide whether to confront her. Incidents at work brought out my latent anger and I learned to apprciate its positive power.  There was a creepy year in which a stranger sent obscene harassing letters to my workplace, in an intense reminder of the abuse.  Through all these life-events I continued to make sense of my early trauma and to befriend and care for the young self, my inner child, who had lived through and repressed the incest.  Gradually I came to feel love, joy and creativity in ways that were really new in my life.  And writing the book itself brought me to a new level of creative expression, catapulting me into retirement.

Thank you Jane for giving us insights into yourself, your journey through healing the pain of yourself and your inner children and your book.  I appreciate the the fact that you speak out about incest and the issues that go hand in hand with incest.  Gladly I will recommend this book to my friends.  As more of us speak out about our own abuse issues and how we healed ourselves, we give others the courage to start their own healing journeys.

If you are interested in knowing more about Jane Rowan and her book The River of Forgetting, you can go to the links that I will provide below.  The first link that I am sharing was from a radio interview that Jane did sometime last week. I hope that you will take the time to listen to this informative interview.


A BOOK AND A CHAT WITH STORYHEART
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/across-the-pond/2011/06/28/a-book-and-a-chat-with-jane-rowan

The River of Forgetting: A Memoir of Healing from Sexual Abuse
http://riverofforgetting.com/

Website
http://janerowan.com/

Blog
http://janechild.blogspot.com/

Again, thank you Jane for approaching me about this Guest Blogger article.  I appreciate the struggle that you went through to share your story and your book with other survivors of childhood sexual abuse. In sharing our experiences with incest and our healing journey out of incest, we help other survivors to know they are not alone and that they too can heal.
Patricia

Today Is Father's Day

A part of me really doesn't want to write this post.  I thought I would write it last night but that didn't happen. To postpone writing this, I spent time on emails and reading blog posts that others have written on Father's Day.  Last night I was on Facebook and became involved in a conversation that turned out to be over 60+ comments long about fathers and incest.

What I am feeling right now - fear, confusion, anger, sadness, grief - all started just before Mother's Day.  I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions since then - up and down and scattered all over the place and when things got too intense eating uncontrollably at night.  I have no problems with overeating in the daytime.  It always starts after 6:00 p.m.  I just got the thought "That was when Daddy got home from work.  That was when the fear and tension walked into the house.  Would it be tonight? Would he find some trip back to town was needed to pick up something that he forgot?"  I always had to go with him and that meant sex in the truck on some isolated road or field before we would go back home. I would feel sick to my stomach before and afterwards.

My son just called to wish his dad Happy Father's Day.

My mother never questioned why my dad couldn't go by himself or why I was always the one who had to go with him.  I was the oldest but men usually do father son things.  My brother was only a year and a half younger than me.  By the age of 9 or 10, he should have been doing things with his dad. We were grown and I was away from home before that happened.  I can only imagine how my brother felt, aways being ignored.

My stomach is tied in knots and I am feeling nauseous right now.

I recently decided to do some inner child work again to see if I had any open wounds left that needed to be healed.  I bought a book which has mysteriously disappeared this morning.  I have searched the house twice for it.  The book is a workbook by Cathryn L. Taylor.  I think the title is The Inner Child Workbook, if not it is something similar to that.  I have been reading just a few pages each night.  I haven't gotten to any of the exercises yet.  I guess the fact that I have "lost" the book tells me that one or more of my inner children are afraid to do the exercises.

My feelings and thoughts are really scattered this morning.  Part of me wants to hide from the world until today is over.  Another part of me is mad as Hell that I am feeling all of this again.  Another part wants to go eat and never stop.  A part of me wants to throw up.  Another part is getting a headache.  These are not separate identities like with DID or multiple personalities.  These are all my wounded, scared inner children.  All of us who were wounded by incest or any form of child abuse has these inner children.  They are the parts of us that stop developing at certain times in our lives when the abuse was happening. 

Doing inner child work means going back through each developmental stage of life to find out what needs to be learned to finish each developmental stage of childhood.  What inner child needs to be nurtured and taught to trust the adult me?  Which ones need to be loved and hugged and played with?  Which ones need to know that they can't control the adult me with temper tantrums or other childlike behaviours when we are in crisis mode.  The adult me needs to be the one in control during a crisis in order to keep all of us safe.  I need to learn to love them and trust them as much as they do the adult me.

I am going to try an experiment right now, totally unplanned previously.  The adult me is going to step out of the way and let one or more of my inner children tell you their thoughts about our father and Father's Day.  Here goes.


Tears.  Anger.  Rage.  Sadness.  Crying inside with tears coming to the surface. 

Tears because daddy didn't love us or he wouldn't have hurt us.  Anger because we are supposed to honor daddies on Father's Day.  (Having difficulty letting go of the control and letting the words flow.  Husband just came in and interrupted thoughts.)

Rage because anger is too tame a word to use for what I am feeling.  Overall sadness which has been with me, it seems like forever.  (Husband goes back to work in an hour.  Will come back and finish this when I am alone and it is quiet again.)

In that hour I found THE INNER CHILD WORKBOOK:  What to do with your past when it just won't go away written by Cathryn L. Taylor.  I asked my Higher Self where the book was after searching the house twice trying to find it.  I immediately picked up some papers next to my computer and the book was under them.

I don't know if I even want to go back to the exercise that I started above or not.  I bet you are thinking "Just get on with it."

Dear Daddy, you were never the daddy that I needed you to be.  One of my earliest memories of you is of you making my little brother who was less than 2 years old smoke a cigar until he was so sick that he was thowing up.  You said it was so that he wouldn't smoke when he got older. You laughed and thought it was funny.  Even at 3 or so, I didn't laugh or think it was funny.  You were mean to him and scarey to me.  I thought you would make me smoke a cigar too but you didn't.  I didn't like you for making my little brother sick. Daddies aren't supposed to do things like that.

During that same time period I remember my brother sleeping on an army cot in the same room where I slept at the foot of the bed with you and momma at the top of the bed.  What was that all about? Was I in the bed when you and momma had sex?  Did you fondle me during the night after momma was asleep?  Is that part of the mystery that I don't remember?  That I have forgotten on purpose in an effort to protect 3 year old me from dealing with something that was just too big for a 2-3 year old to survive in her mind.  Why did my 2-3 year old mind shut out any memories of sexual abuse?  What was too painful for that child me to be able to remember and deal with?  This is where the sadness, grief, fear and anger is coming from.

I hurt but I don't know why.  Inside the child of less than three hurts and cries and wonders why no one loves her or protects her from you or whoever else hurt her.  The memories are locked away.  They do exist in some area of my body or mind.  They are why the three-year-old called herself an adultress. This is hard to write and I know that I am still keeping some distance between me and all of this.  Some part of me is not willing right now to get any closer to the feelings or the memories that those inner children still carry to this day.  The body is still holding on, also afraid to feel the pain of those childhood days.  Instead the body gets an upset stomach, indigestion, ulcers, coughing attacks, headaches because it doesn't know how to let go.  It is more afraid of being empty without the stuffed feelings.  It is so easy to just disconnect from it all rather than feel the emotions.  I am surprised that it still hurts so much.  That is all that I can write today.  The adult me is too afraid of what the inner children might reveal.  The adult me doesn't feel very strong just now. 
Sorry,
Patricia

Cyrus Webb Interview Link

Hi.  For those of you who haven't heard the interview that Cyrus Webb and I did on Monday, October 4 at noon Central Standard Time on Conversations Live! on Blog Talk Radio, here is the link to it.  It is archived so you can go whenever you have the time to listen to the interview.  It is short - only 15 minutes or so and packed with information.  Thanks to Cyrus Webb for the honor of talking about incest and recovery and for allowing me to be the interview that kicks off his series of interviews on the subject, "Should Love Ever Hurt?"  The choice of topic was because October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. 

http://blogtalkradio.com/conversationslive/2010/10/04/blogger-patricia-singleton-kicks-off-should-love-e

I hope that you will listen and then come back here and let me know your thoughts.
Patricia