Silence Allows Child Abuse To Continue - I Will Not Be Silenced!

"I can't read this stuff anymore."  This is the second comment of this sort that I have received over the past two days in response to the abuse articles that I post on my Facebook page. This particular response came under the following article with the title of "Father who killed his daughter, 3, with an 'immense' blow to the stomach and failed to call for help jailed for seven years." Here is the link to the article if you want to read it. I warn you, it isn't an easy article to read. I also wonder why such a light sentence - 7 years for killing a 3-year-old - was given?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2370455/Father-killed-daughter-3-immense-blow-stomach-failed-help-jailed-seven-years.html

Anyone who enjoys reading this stuff is sick. I don't read them because I enjoy them. I don't share them because I want someone to enjoy reading them. I want you to read them so that you are educated about child abuse. It isn't an imaginary thing that is happening to someone else. Children are getting abused every day and every day, children, like this 3-year-old, are dying. She is one of the few that we know about. Society - people, families, neighbors, aunts and uncles - don't acknowledge child abuse and then do something to stop it nearly enough. There are still too many children who are being abused and nobody does anything to stop it until it is too late, like for this little girl who died at the hands of someone who should have loved and protected her. Instead he killed her. He got seven years. She got death. Is that fair? She died before she had a real chance to live. Are you as outraged as I am over his seven year sentence?

Our court systems aren't giving heavy enough sentences, in my opinion, especially with cases of child molestation. Many are getting light sentences, as short as 3 years or less, and then they are back out abusing more children. I see this every day in the articles that I read. I question the thinking of the judges that put them back out on the streets so quickly. I question the society that I live in that allows this to happen. Why aren't more people joining me and voicing their concerns?

Back to my readers' comments from Facebook. The first person told me that she had to sort thru so much garbage (my word, not hers) to get to the gems (her word) that I share. I share both - garbage and gems. I do share a lot of inspiring stuff on my page to conteract the darkness of the evil in the articles that I also share. I told this person that it was okay with me if she unfriended me on Facebook if she had trouble with what I put on my page. I also told her that I won't stop posting about the evil side of child abuse.

Why do I continue to share this crap? Because we have to know what is happening if we have any chance of changing it and stopping it. It is my prayer that one day there will be no more child abuse articles to share. Will I stop because, as my friend above says, she can't read anymore? No, I won't. The topic of child abuse and stopping it is too important.

Too many of us have been silent for too long. Please join me in using your Facebook page, Twitter page and your blog, if you have one, as a weapon against those who commit child abuse. Don't let abusers continue to maim and murder their children in silence. Join me and break the silence of child abuse. Even those of us who survived a childhood of abuse still have invisible scars that affect our lives even as adults. If you are an adult survivor, share your story with someone. By sharing your story, you may be giving someone else the permission that they need to tell their own stories. Be sure to share your healing too. By sharing your healing, you may inspire someone else to take the first step on their own healing journey. If you don't like what I share on my Facebook page or here on my blog - good. I don't like it either. But I won't stop sharing as long as child abuse, especially child sexual abuse, is still happening.
Patricia

Inspiration, Denial And Incest

This post is the result of a comment that I received on my last post "What Childhood Incest Taught Me". You will find the words from the comment here in italics when I quote it.

Warning this comment and post may be triggering.

I came through here looking for something inspirational to read and this is what I've found. I am feeling overwhelmingly sad for whoever this is. That life is one noone would choose to bare or even wish on the worst of people.

For inspirational, you picked the wrong post. And for "whoever this is", that is me. These were the lessons that I learned. I know from other comments and friends that these were also lessons that they learned from their own childhoods of abuse.

For anyone who has read my blog for very long, you know that some of my blog posts are inspirational. Some of my blog posts are about the very real facts, feelings, memories and stages of living with and dealing with the effects of incest. There is nothing inspirational about those posts. Yes, I know that some of them are difficult to read. They are also difficult for me to write even though I am in a better place in my life today. Sometimes I still feel the pain, sadness, anger and hurt of that abuse. Those blog posts I write are for other abuse survivors to let them know what my own experiences have been and to let them know that they are not alone. I have been there. I know it for the hell that it can be, especially when you feel so alone and so sad that you wonder if life is even worth living. I have always managed to take the next step. Sometimes it is two steps forward and one step back. That is the road to recovery. There is nothing easy about it.


For your experiences, all of you, I am truly heartbroken.

Thank you for your compassion and empathy. They are appreciated.


But there is something you each must realize. You each have suffered, in your own time, some of you maybe once or twice, others for years. But those times are not here, those years are not these years.

Part of my comment reply to this comment fits here: My question to you is, "Have you experienced any major trauma or abuse in your life?" It doesn't sound like it. If you haven't, you have no idea what it is like or how difficult it is to get over it.


You have to realize that sometimes life hands us so much... and all the while the world is so cruel. We start to feel like that is all that is ever to be dealt us. But it just isn't. You must each move on. I know you may think that this is impossible. But I know that as you read this those encounters are distant, very real, experiences. Key word being distant.

You have probably never had flashbacks or nightmares or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Soldiers aren't the only ones who get PTSD. Survivors of child abuse and survivors of sexual abuse do too. When those symptoms happen, you are not in control of your feelings or actions. You can be thrown back into "those years". Nobody wants that to happen but it does, sometimes on a daily basis. It takes years of therapy to recover from these. "Key word being distant." There is nothing distant about those years when you are in the middle of a flashback or nightmare. You can tell me they aren't real but when you are in the middle of it, they are very real. Have you ever had a flashback? If not, you don't know what you are talking about.


You are each holding so closely to something that with every single thought of it your heart breaks inside. Why are you choosing to hold on?

Why would anyone choose to hold on to the kind of emotional pain that most people can't even imagine, if they had a choice? Just choosing to be happy sounds like a really good reality but it is very often the road to denial. I did that road for a lot of years. That road that says, "I don't feel anything about the incest. I don't hate my abusers. I don't hate myself. I don't feel anything so I can't be affected by the incest. It doesn't affect my life, my decisions, my children, me. Life is fine. Life is great." The road to denial is a road of lies. I was disconnected from my feelings, from myself. I did hate myself. I did hate my abusers. I was so full of rage, sadness and hurt that I couldn't feel anything else. If you deny any feelings, you deny them all. I had a volcano of fire inside of me that caused headaches, stomach aches and other physical symptoms that shows what I was holding in rather than dealing with. I was taught all of this denial as a child. The denial didn't stop until I got sick and realized that denial didn't work. That is the real world of an incest survivor.

Just letting go of all of the pain isn't really an option until you have worked through all of your issues. Then the letting go is possible. Is it an instant possibility, just in the case of a miracle. I do believe in miracles. I also know that denial is alive and well until I choose to let go of it and face the reality of incest.


You have to realize that you are something amazing on the inside. That the real true parts of us are ones that NO ONE can touch but you.

I can agree with the above statement. On the spiritual level, my Higher Self is untouchable by what happens to my body. The truth is that each of us is a Light to the world. Sometimes that Light does get hidden by the struggles of Life. This isn't something that a child who is being abused or an adult who is still suffering from the abuse is even aware of. On a spiritual level, I can even say that "Yes, I chose this lifetime to learn the lessons that incest teaches me. My parents chose to help teach me those lessons." It has taken me years to reach the level of acceptance that this requires. Most abuse survivors aren't there yet. Do I condemn them as stupid or not whole or anything else derogatory because they aren't at this level of understanding yet? No, not at all. There are still some days that I question the validity of those beliefs and they are my own. Do I expect everyone else to accept and live by those "spiritual" beliefs? Again, no, not at all. Is it ok if you disagree with me? Yes, absolutely. Do I want to hear how you disagree with me? Only if it is offered in a respectful manner.


What happened to you, happened to your body. And you each, understandably, allowed it to alter more than just your body. You let your spirits still feel the pain.

I don't know about you but, yes, I live in a physical world which affects my mental and emotional world. I believe that my spiritual world encompasses all of the others and uses those others to teach its lessons. I eventually see the blessings that come from going through the pain but not until I have worked through the pain.

Again you used the word "let" as if the victim of abuse knows that they have choices. Victims don't know that they have choices. Choices didn't exist for me for many, many years because I believed the lies of the abuser who told me he was in control and that I had to do what he told me to do. I had no choices until I got into a recovery program and learned what choices meant. That is when I learned that I was responsible for my own life and my own choices. That is a very big lesson for survivors. Not everyone learns that lesson.


Just imagine yourself as a light inside a dark cave. No matter how dark it is on the outside, no matter how it may storm, it doesn't change that there is light on the inside. You are safe because you are that light.

As an incest survivor, I didn't learn that the world was a safe place. Yes, I have always been aware of that inner Light. That inner Light is probably the only thing that kept me from splitting into different personalities as some childhood abuse survivors do. My Spirit has always been and will always be safe. My physical world has never felt safe.


You are you at the happiest moments in your life, not the you that always returns home to your pain.

You live in a world of duality---Light and Dark, Love and Fear, Good and Evil, Day and Night, Sad and Happy, Calm and Chaos. You can't have one without the other. Without Sad how would you know what Happy is? Without Evil how would you know what Good is? Without Fear how would you know what Safe is or Love is? Hate isn't the opposite of Love, Fear is. Lack of Love equals Fear. You can't know what the "happiest moments in your life" are unless you know what the worst moments of your life are.


Let it go now. Move on. Decide you have this one life, and no matter what the world will ever throw at you will never matter.

I have discovered that those people who tell me to "Let it go now. Move on." are usually one of two types. They either have never experienced what I have and therefore know nothing about the process that it takes to heal. Or, they have their own abuse issues that they want to stay in denial of. If you see me going through my issues and haven't dealt with your own, then my struggle threatens your denial. That is why you tell me to let it go and to move on so that you don't have to become aware of your own unresolved issues.

I feel sad for those who are still in denial of their own issues. I have little sympathy for those who don't know what they are talking about because they have never experienced what I have. If you haven't been there, you have no idea of what it takes to live my life and to struggle to get better. Don't tell me to get over it. If you have been where I am and were able to let go of your issues by healing them, then tell me how you did it. Share your experiences and what worked. Don't share your denial of your issues. I don't need that. I did that, on my own, years ago and I know that denial just helps you continue to live in the pain. Denial heals nothing. When you are in denial, you aren't happy. You aren't free. The only way to freedom is through the pain, not around it.


You are stronger now than anyone will ever know. You can take this world on and actually live free from your past.

Yes, I am stronger than even I knew that I would ever be. I am more courageous than I ever thought I could be. I am more compassionate that I ever thought possible. I am proud to be the woman that I am today. I am the best parent that I know how to be to my inner child.

I don't live completely free from my past. I don't believe that that is totally possible. I don't know that I would want it to be. My past has formed who I am today. Without that past I would not be stronger, more courageous, compassionate, proud of who I am today. Without my past, I would not be aware of the blessings of my life today. Yes, today, I can take on whatever the world throws at me. This is true because of my past.


Some of you maybe have already found a church. But some of you may feel like there are far too many questions. But all I can say is...you can walk make the decision to just say goodbye to all that stuff you can't bring back or change. And never have to think about it again. The person that hurt you had their free will, and they chose to storm boldly away from what was right, and you suffered. That makes it the fault of no one but them, not you and definitely not God. Choose to forget and start living your life in the light. Remember these bodies die, but we will never die. Where are you headed, and lets make it great! "Love your neighbor as yourself" said someone very special. It's great advice. Good Luck.

The comment about finding a church can be a future post all of its own. I "found a church", but many others, not just survivors, choose differently. I am happy with my church. That is my choice.

I don't blame God for what happened to me. I never have. I know that some survivors do. I did turn my back on God for a few years because I thought He did nothing to stop the abuse. A part of me always felt His presence in my life. That presence is what gave me the strength to survive when many others didn't.

I know that some don't believe in a God who could allow such abuses to happen to a child. Others look to God for grace and love. I believe in free will and that you are each responsible for your own actions. I know that some of the abused go on to abuse the next generation. Most of you don't. Many choose to stop the abuse rather than pass it on to future generations.

Some of you choose to share your own experiences, as I do, by blogging about them online. Others choose to write in private journals. Some of you still continue in the silence because you haven't found your voice yet. It is for other incest and childhood abuse survivors that I write of my experiences. Any time that someone survives abuse in any form and can write about that journey, that is inspirational. It isn't light, funny inspiration. It is sad, thoughtful, sometimes tearful. It is always heartfelt. Sometimes it comes from a deep well of hurt. It is always healing to be able to bring these thoughts and feelings to the surface and share them with others. It can be educational to share with others who have never experienced abuse in their own lives. Without awareness, you can stop nothing.

If you come here looking for happy and joyful and light, sometimes you will find it here. Other times you won't. I won't apologize for my words. This is my life. I share it to give strength and hope to other survivors. I also share it to spread awareness of the evil disease of abuse that lives in this world. I look forward to hearing what you think about this post and any other post that you want to comment on. I reserve the right to agree or disagree with your comments.
Patricia

Awareness Is The Key To Growth

Awareness is the key to growth. In typing the word "awareness", instead I typed "awakeness". What an odd slip of tongue or should I say slip of hand since I was typing instead of speaking? I will need to think about that for awhile.

Where did this idea come from? I was visiting and commenting on one of the blogs that I read written by another abuse survivor who goes by the name of Just Be Real. That is also the title of her blog about her spiritual journey through recovery from sexual abuse. JBR says that her blog is about "Recovery into Greatness!" I really like that. Both of us write from a position of power over our abuse and abusers rather than as a helpless victim that we were as children when the abuse happened.

Another statement that JBR has posted on her blog says, "I WILL STOP GIVING OTHERS THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY JOY!" What a great message that is to all survivors and the world. Thanks for sharing that JBR. You are such a brave soul and a bright light to all who visit your blog. Seeing your courage and struggle gives me the courage to continue in my own journey through recovery.

The title of the article that inspired my article is "ADMITTING I AM WEAK". You will find this article at the following site:

http://justbereal77.blogspot.com/2009/12/admitting-i-am-weak.html

My comment to this article was "The awareness that you get from Spirit is such a blessing to your recovery. Until you are aware, you can't change anything. ..."

Awareness is so very important as my above comment states. I believe that my awarenesses come from Spirit, my Higher Self, my Higher Power, God, intuition. Whatever you choose to call it isn't as important as what you do with the awareness. If you don't act on it, nothing happens. If you choose to act on the awareness, your whole view of your world can sometimes change. Some changes are small. Some are huge. Sometimes all you get is a minor shift in attitude.

Like I said in my previous article, sometimes the changes you choose to make can have a ripple effect that goes out from your center and can bring about small or enormous changes in the world and the people around you.

I keep using the word "choose". Such a little word and it can have such a huge effect on your life.

For example: I choose to no longer be a victim.
I choose to take responsibility for my own happiness.
I choose to take responsibility for the choices that I make in my life.
I choose to continue to grow in 2010 and beyond.
I choose to be real in all of my relationships.
I choose to continue to be involved in the community of sexual abuse survivors that I have found online to share my strengths and my weaknesses in order to be real.
I choose to continue to visit and read other blogs and leave comments on those blogs because as survivors we can support each other in our moments of strength and weakness.

Thanks JBR for your inspiration and courage in choosing to be real. It inspires me to do that same. Have a glorious 2010.
Patricia

Ripple Effects Of Kindness, Compassion, And Sympathy

Source: The New International Webster's Standard Dictionary, Trident Reference Publishing, 2006 Edition:

kind adj. benevolent, compassionate, and humane in nature (page 160)

compassion n. concern for the troubles of another; pity; sympathy -compassionate adj.
-compassionately adv. (page 73)

sympathy n. an agreement of feeling; compassion for another's suffering; agreement or accord; support or approval (page 267)


I left a comment on Lance's blog Jungle of Life recently that I wanted to share with all of you. You can find Lance's "Sunday Thought For The Day" on December 27, 2009 at the following link: http://www.jungleoflife.com/ . Lance's blog articles are always so uplifting to me. He brightens my world which usually needs brightening around the holiday season.

Here is my edited comment:
". . . Compassion is such a great lesson and a great way to move forward as a world. Compassion, like all great teachings, begins with the individual. As one person changes so do all of those around him/her causing a ripple effect around the world one person at a time. . . . Compassion starts with the Self."

The same can be said for kindness and sympathy when you reach out to others. The biggest lesson that I had to learn was that I needed to be kind, compassionate, and sympathetic to myself before I could be that way to you. Those of you who have been abused in your childhood may have never experienced kindness, compassion or sympathy from others so you weren't shown how to exhibit those qualities to yourself or others.

I don't do New Year's Eve Resolutions. I have tried a few times and they just don't work for me. I used to beat myself up for failing at these goals. You see no one ever taught me about goals. Resolutions reminded me of all of the broken promises of growing up in an alcoholic and incestuous home. I knew by the age of 6 that promises would be broken. I never make promises for that reason. This is an area that I can be kind, compassionate, and sympathetic to that little girl who learned the lesson that promises get broken. I can show her that I understand her fears and disappointments from the past. I can also show her that I will do my best to not disappoint her again. I can acknowledge that her fears and disappointments are my fears and disappointments and that together we can overcome them. We can move forward.

I AM going to be more kind, compassionate and sympathetic to myself and others in 2010. Happy, Glorious 2010 to all.
Patricia

We Are All Vulnerable To Life And Other People

From Awakening, A Daily Guide to Conscious Living, written by Shakti Gawain, Revised Edition, 1991 & 2006, October 3 page:

"We are all vulnerable

Most of us are somewhat afraid of our vulnerability. We have various ways of masking it, hiding it, defending it. The key to intimacy, though, is being able to be vulnerable with another person. To do that, we must first be honest with ourselves about our deepest, most vulnerable feelings. We must learn to care for and protect these feelings, not by closing them off and defending them, but by being able to say honestly what we feel and ask for what we need.

As we learn to use our inner strength to support and express our inner vulnerability instead of to repress it, we begin to feel safer and more comfortable opening up to another person.

I am learning to feel comfortable with my vulnerability."


Being vulnerable enough to ask for help is a biggy for me. You can read my previous article "Dealing With Change" found at http://patricia-singleton.blogspot.com/2009/10/dealing-with-change.html for some of those reasons.

Lately, I continue to put myself in a place of being vulnerable to others. I actually do that with everyone of the articles that I write on this blog. I allow myself to be vulnerable when I call my Al-Anon sponsor or my best friend.

I recently started attending a grieving group which gives me plenty of opportunities to be vulnerable with more sharing of my incest story and my recovery experiences. Any time that you are in recovery, you do grieving work. Any time that you go to a counselor or therapist, some, if not most, of the work that you do is grieving work as you learn to face your issues. The homework for our group this week was twofold:
1. Give someone else some of your "experience, strength, and hope" when they ask for your help.
2. Receive help from someone else gracefully.

One very important fact that the class was told last night was that "Help is not help unless the person receiving it perceives it as help." Giving advice, even when it is asked for, isn't always helpful. Most of the time when a person asks for advice, what they really need and want is someone to listen to them as they talk and figure out their own answers.

I know that a lot of my readers come from a childhood of abuse in some form. I am passing my homework assignment along to any of you who are willing to do it this week. Let me know how you did.

In a recent comment, I was asked to share a website with my readers. After looking at the website and emailing back and forth with one of the contributers, I decided to put up a Blog Link with this person, Thomas Dow, and his website. His website is called "Let's Be Present". You can find his site at the following link: http://www.letsbepresent.com/ . Thomas, like me, is a Lightworker who is reaching out to help others heal from their childhood abuse issues as he works to heal his own issues.
Patricia

Traveling, Family And Adventure

My husband Daniel and I are taking some time off and traveling to Boise, Idaho to visit some family members for a few days. If I get some time, I may post an article while we are gone using my daughter's computer but if you don't hear from me for a few days, I will let you know when we get back home. I haven't deserted my blog. I am just taking a short break to enjoy family and traveling with Daniel.

Traveling with Daniel is an experience all by itself. He loves to see as much as he can possibly squeeze into one day every day that we are on the road. He is an adventure loving Leo who works hard and plays hard. We do marathon driving each day---10 to 16 hours usually. I love driving through Oklahoma when we go out west. They have the greatest gift shops along the way. I have wonderful gifts and tee-shirts that people always ask me where I got them. My usual answer is in Oklahoma. It is a beautiful state with lots of history. We will spend some time exploring Salt Lake City, Utah with our daughter and her family for part of this trip.

We are coming back a different route so that Daniel doesn't get bored with the same scenery. We will come back through Colorado, New Mexico and Texas. There are some cliff dwellings in southwest Colorado that Daniel wants to see. I enjoy those kind of things too. The last time that Daniel was out that way, he wasn't able to see the cliff dwellings because of a wild fire in the area.

Thanks to all of my new subscribers and commenters on this blog. I truly appreciate your reading and participating in the discussions on this blog. I send love and blessings to all of you for your continued input and encouragement.
Thank you.
Patricia

Comments From My Readers

First of all, I want to say "Thank You" to each of my readers who leave a comment at the end of my posts. Your comments add to the body of my posts. Thank you. Your comments expand my thoughts. I appreciate your sharing of your feelings and thoughts on what I write.

I do not mind having your comments express a difference of opinion. I don't expect everybody to agree with my thoughts and feelings. The world would be a dull place if we were all alike. Differences make me think about things in a different light. I have no problem accepting our differences of opinion. Being a Saggittarian, I even thrive on our differences.

With my topic of incest, I expect feelings to sometimes be expressed quite strongly. I have no problem with that. You should have strong emotions about incest and the perpetrators. Those strong emotions are what will help us to stop child sexual abuse. I want you to feel strongly when I write my posts about incest.

When I write about my spiritual beliefs, I know that some people will disagree. That is fine too. I know that my spiritual beliefs are possibly disturbing to some people because their beliefs are different. My spiritual beliefs are pretty broad for some people and I know that. I am ok with that. I do not expect everyone to agree with me. That is ok.

What I do expect is that if you disagree with me and you express that disagreement, do it with respect for me and for my readers. I resently got a series of three comments from a person who left a comment that was very judgmental and attacked the organization that I talked about in the post. I published the first comment but I rejected that next two. As the writer of this blog, I have that right.

I know that my beliefs are different than a lot of people. I am ok with being different. I am not ok with being told that I am going to Hell for those beliefs. I am not ok with a personal attack on me or those that I write about. All those type of comments do is spread more venom and hatred in the world. I will not allow my blog to be a part of spreading hate in the world. Expressing anger at a person because of his/her actions is not the same thing as bigotry. Bigot according to the dictionary is "One intolerant of or prejudiced against those of differing religious beliefs, political opinion, etc." (The Doubleday Dictionary For Home, School, and Office, Doubleday & Company, Inc., 1975, page 70).

I will not be a part of spreading more hatred into the world. Please be honest and respectful with your comments. Do not attack another person or organization. If you disagree that strongly with my view points, you have the choice to not visit my blog again. Express your opinions and your feelings, just don't attack me with those opinions and feelings. That is abuse and I am not the child who couldn't protect herself. I will protect myself and my readers from your hurtful words.

If you are one of my readers who is a survivor of any form of childhood abuse and are angry at your perpretrators, I am not asking that you monitor your feelings. I know how that anger can feel. That is not what this article is talking about. If you are angry with your perpretrator, feel free to say so in your comments. I want this blog to be a help in your healing. I am not asking you to pretend that you are ok when you are not. I am asking for honesty in your feelings if you choose to leave a comment on something that I have written. You can express feelings without the use of vulgar language. I want my readers who are survivors to feel free to express their feelings. Again, I want to tell you that you are not the ones that this article is written about. You are the reason that I write to share my experience of recovery and hope for a better life. As a survivor, you have the right to have a better life.
Patricia