Saturday, September 12, 2015

Rage Is Anger On Overload

As another tribute to Dr. Wayne Dyer, Hay House is offering a free link to "My Greatest Teacher" movie until September 15, 2015 at the following link:

I cried through watching this movie. I have called my own dad my greatest teacher because of the lessons I learned from the incest.

What first hit me from the movie was the rage of the main character. I have felt that rage myself before and during my healing journey. Like the main character, I often directed my rage at my spouse and my children before I learned to control my rage.

What is the difference between anger and rage? A matter of depth - rage is anger on overload. Anger doesn't have to hurt anyone. Rage often does. Anger can be controlled and used constructively to make much needed changes. Rage often feels out of control. Anger can be expressed and let go of before anyone is hurt by it. Rage is often stuffed inside until pressure builds and an explosion occurs. Rage looks for a victim to pour out all over. 

I cried because my rage often hurt those I loved. I had to change the way that I dealt with my anger so that it didn't grow into rage.

When you are angry with rage inside, the Universe seems to give you reasons to be more angry, like the character in the movie. Everything is an irritant. What can go wrong will, so the rage can come out. 

My dad taught me how to do rage. So did my mom, just in a different way. My dad was a rageaholic. My mom did hers with passive-aggressive behavior. 

In order to heal my own rage, I had to stop blaming my abusers and had to switch to looking at what I was feeling and how could I diffuse my rage in a healthy way. Instead of everything being out there and someone else's fault, I had to bring my focus to inside my mind, my body, my feelings, my heart. 

What issues were causing my rage? How could I heal my own hurt? How could I let out the rage so it didn't hurt me or those I loved? 

My most prized healing tool has always been my writing. I could pull the rage and the hurt out and on to the written page so I could see it. I still had to feel it. Feelings are part of the healing. The written word always helps me see the patterns and figure out what I need to change about myself. I can forgive myself and I can ask forgiveness of those that I have hurt. 

These are my thoughts after watching the movie "My Greatest Teacher." I hope that you take the time to watch it for yourself. 

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Pain Caused By Regrets And Self-Doubts - Judging Ourselves

Please go and read the article "Memories and Regrets" from Beyond Survivor - The Wounded Warrior Blog written by my friend Jan L. Frayne at the following link:

Come back here afterwards to read my thoughts about this post.

The Wounded Warrior expresses the pain and self-doubts that many survivors carry inside, hidden from the world most of the time. Voicing the pain of surviving through writing whether it is a blog like Beyond Survivor - The Wounded Warrior Blog or like here at Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker is important because giving voice to our pain frees other survivors to do the same.

Some survivors, like me, were alone with the abuser. Other survivors saw other children nearby also being abused. 

For years, I hoped and prayed that I was the only one that my dad was sexually abusing. Years later when I found out that he was abusing my sister by fondling and making sexual comments to, I was angry and felt guilty that I didn't protect her from him. I was the older sister. I loved my sister and I wanted her to be safe. She wasn't.

I can understand why Jan Frayne took on the blame for the abuse of the little boy that he saw being strangled. I, too, have said to myself, what if I had told?  Maybe my sister would have been saved from her experiences.

Looking back makes taking on the blame so easy for a survivor. We are looking back from a position of power as an adult. We didn't have that hindsight as a child.

As children, we didn't have any power. We couldn't protect ourselves or another child. No child should go through the abuse that we did. Yes, we were victims.

 I didn't have the courage to speak up as a child or even as a young adult. I wasn't able to overcome all of my fears in order to speak up. I could blame myself for my sister being abused or I can put the blame where it belongs, with my abusers. 

If we cannot prevent our own abuse from happening, how can we possibly save another child? We are not responsible for what our abusers did. That is just another form of victim blaming, even if it is ourselves we are blaming. Others do it to us often enough without us buying into it too. Stop victim blaming. 

Shift from feeling like a victim to offering love and comfort to your inner child. Feel what you feel and then let it go. You don't have to stay stuck in victim mode. Give your inner child more reasons to trust you. "Beyond" survivor doesn't mean you will never have to revisit being a survivor or a victim. Healing means going back and forth between the three as needed to heal. 

Memories come up because you are strong enough to face them. Dreams are all of the stuff that you are afraid to face in the waking world. Healing can take place in your dreams too. Keeping a dream journal can help you to figure out what your dreams are telling you. Memories and dreams are both part of healing.

Forgive yourself for what you couldn't control. Stop blaming yourself. Blaming yourself keeps you stuck in the hurt. You deserve better. 

Jan, be gentle with yourself as I have seen you be with other survivors. Beyond surviving - thriving - comes slowly but it does come. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Allow your friends to support you when you need us. You don't have to be strong alone. 

I copied a statement from one of my favorite teachers today that I want to share with you here.

"With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself, or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow, or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose."
                                         -Dr. Wayne Dyer

Saturday, September 5, 2015

A Tribute To One Of My Teachers - Dr. Wayne Dyer

I have never met Dr. Wayne Dyer in person. He has been my teacher though his books, TV programs and educational videos where he has spoken by himself or with other spiritual teachers. 

Dr. Dyer passed away in his sleep sometime in the early morning hours on August 30, 2015. He is known to many as the "father of motivation" (About the author, Hay House email I received recently). I, for one, have been motivated through the years to make many changes in my belief system and in my daily life. 

In honor of his passing and his work, Hay House is making the video "The Shift" available to watch for free until September 8, 2015. I just finished watching "The Shift". It was well worth the two hours of sitting. I hope you will find the time to also watch it. Here is the link where I found it.

Here are a few little tidbits that I found interesting from watching the video.
1.  Enthusiasm comes from two words meaning "the God within."
2.  Stop interfering in your own life.
3.  You don't attract what you want. You attract what you are.
4.  Let go of ego/self and be of service to others.
5.  How can you ignore what is in front of you? Because you are 
     too busy doing other things.
6.  Sometimes you just have to show up for life.
7.  Everything will happen perfectly.
8.  Your purpose is always found in service.
9.  Leave the planet better than you found it.

Last Sunday morning I shared a guest blog article that I wrote back in February 2008. Over the years since then I have thought about sharing the article here on my blog but that didn't happen until last Sunday, the very day that Dr. Dyer left his body behind. You will find the link to that article at the end of this post.

In the comment section of that blog article entitled "Five Ways To Leave Pain Behind", a friend and I talked about the coincidence of me posting that article on the very day that Dr. Dyer died. Dr. Dyer is the one who taught me that there is no such thing as coincidences in the Universe. God/the Universe orchestrates things to happen when they are supposed to. There is no guesswork.   There is no luck or coincidence that caused something to happen. My belief is that those things were meant to happen whether I know the reason or not. I believe there is a higher intelligence in the Universe. 

If you believe something different, I am okay with that too. My beliefs are my own and your beliefs are yours. We are each of us at different steps along the path of life. 

Dr. Wayne Dyer helped me to open my mind to new ways of thinking and seeing life and most importantly myself. He helped me to learn my own value as a human being and as a member of the ever-expanding Universe. I will always be grateful to him for that introduction into things greater than myself/my ego. Thank you Dr. Dyer for the things that you are still teaching me. I hope to be as wise as you one day.

Related Posts:

Five Ways To Leave Pain Behind @

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Flap Copy---The Case Of The Three-Year-Old-Adulteress Book

As I begin to write my memoir, The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress, I am reading a book called writing & selling your memoir written by Paula Balzer. One of her first assignments is to write what she calls the flap copy which is a short description of what your book is about. Its purpose is to catch the attention of the reader so that they will buy the book. The flap copy is also important in marketing your book. Here is what I wrote. Know that this first copy may change or be deleted completely before the book is finished.

Why would any three-year-old call herself an adulteress? Memories are of incest and dysfunction. The effects of incest on a small child and an adult are many. Healing is possible. You are not alone. Breaking the silence of abuse is freeing. 

One out of three girls and one out of six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. Most know their abusers. Incest happens more frequently than rape from a stranger. 

What can you do to change those numbers? What are the signs of child sexual abuse? What can you do if you see the signs of abuse in a child that you know? How does a molester groom the parents and get the child to keep their secrets? These are some of the answers you will find in the book The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress.

Let me know if the flap copy caught your interest in the memoir that I am writing.  Thank you for staying with me during this process. 

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Five Ways To Leave Pain Behind

"In my world, nothing ever goes wrong." Wayne Dyer, author of Your Sacred Self, introduced me to this expression by Nisargadatta Maharaj. Your Sacred Self is my favorite of the Wayne Dyer series of books.

This book made such a tremendous impact on my spiritual journey that I have given it as gifts to several of my friends. Do you have any sayings such as this or any books that you have read that have impacted your life as this one has mine?

You will find these words, "In my world, nothing goes wrong." scattered throughout my house and written on poster paper and index cards. The use of this expression can enable you to look at the challenges in your life as lessons that you need to learn, rather than as things going wrong.

You will find a simple shift of your attitude can make big changes in how you see people and situations. A major shift happened for me when I started looking at the sexual abuse committed against me in this way.

Rather than continue to blame others which only keeps you struck in the pain of the abuse, if you look at the whole incident as a series of lessons, you will be able to release the pain and leave it in the past with the abuse. You may ask, "What lessons can be learned from being sexually abused as a child?"

Here are a few of the things that you might learn:

1.  You can become a survivor rather than a victim---just a small          shift in perception that makes a big difference in how you see 
     yourself. You can go from feeling helpless as a victim to being 
     a powerful voice against abuse. You can begin to see the value 
     that you have as a human being.

2.  You are courageous rather than being fearful of all people---
      again just a small shift that can allow you to trust and love 
      again. Trust can be a really big issue for a survivor of any
      kind of abuse. I had to learn to trust women. I was afraid of
      being judged harshly by women because the major women in
      my childhood were judgmental. When I was seven years old,
      my aunt told me that I was going to Hell because I was wearing
      shorts. I have been blessed that certain women came into my
      life as an adult and taught me that is was okay to trust. I now
      know that no child is going to Hell just because of what they 
      are wearing.

3.  You may find that you have developed strengths of character
      that you might not would have possessed without going
      through the abuse and the process of healing the abuse. You
      don't learn courage if you have never been afraid. You don't 
      know compassion unless you have been hurt. You don't know 
      strength unless you have been tested. You don't know victory
      unless you have faced adversity. You can't love until you have
      learned to love yourself.

4.  You may find, as I did, that you have faith in God and in 
      yourself that grows stronger each day because you stopped
      blaming God and yourself for the abuse. For years, I was angry 
      at God and hated myself. I didn't share who I really was with
      anyone because I was afraid that you would see how bad, how
      tainted I was. None of that is true today. You might find, as I
      did, that you can love yourself and that your love connects you 
      with and comes from the God within you. God, then, is no 
      longer some entity outside of you. We are one.

5.  I choose to see the sexual abuse as a blessing instead of a curse.
     This is a huge shift for me that would not have happened 
     without the first four smaller shifts of perception. You can, in
     the same way, turn your smaller shifts of perception into a huge
     shift that will affect your entire being.

All of these and so many more shifts can happen for you if you decide to apply these same words, "In my world, nothing ever goes wrong." to your own life. 

Lessons are good. They teach you about yourself. How you react to the challenges in your life gives you valuable lessons about yourself if you will take the time to look. 

Today I love my world (even on the days that I feel sad or angry) and I love me. You might ask, "How can you love your world on the days that you feel sad or angry?"

On those days, I know that I am present just because I do feel those things. You don't have to get struck in the feelings. You can look to see what it is that you need to see or hear or learn to make a difference in your life. This process will work for you if you are willing to face yourself.

This article was originally a guest post on the blog "The Next 45 Years". That blog which belonged to Alex Blackwell has since been closed. I wrote the post on February 29, 2008. 

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Happy 43rd Anniversary Daniel

Happy 43rd Anniversary, Daniel. We made it through another year today with our usual ups and downs. Through it all, my commitment to our marriage has continued to grow. Looking back at our love shows growth year after year. Our marriage hasn't been perfect. I don't know of any that are. We have had our years of struggle and our times of laughter and joy. 

I found an article in my emails this last week that I want to share with you from MindBodyGreen entitled "38 Hard Truths About Relationships". The article is one that I totally agree with. Relationships and love are not easy. My marriage has taught me that. Sherryl Paul, the author of this article, talks about how relationships are not easy and that that require compromise. She says that the definition of love that our society gives you need to be redefined. I agree with her when she says that love is an action rather than a feeling. You aren't going to be happy all the time in any relationship. That is why I said earlier than Daniel and I have had our ups and downs. Our marriage has been full of compromises and change. 

Daniel and I both came from dysfunctional homes and therefore, our family was also dysfunctional. Today we are both healthier than we have ever been in our relationship and still neither of us or our relationship is perfect. Marriage and love takes commitment on the part of both partners. The initial feelings of falling in love are the best that I have ever felt but those feelings didn't last. The daily irritants of living with another person quickly wears away those initial feelings. You often find the things that attracted you to your partner are the very things that irritate you later. I love Daniel's quirky sense of humor unless I am tired and not feeling good. Then I have to look at what is really important. I don't want him to change his wonderful sense of humor just because I am having a bad day. You cannot expect another person to change just because you want them to. It doesn't happen. A person only changes if they want to. One thing marriage taught me is that the only person I can change is me. 

Ms Paul says love is an action and I agree with her. For me that action has been the decision to stay committed to my marriage and my love for Daniel over the years. Many people choose to walk away at the first sign of problems because they want the happy ever after of fairy tales. Happy ever after is a fairy tale. Happy doesn't come from another person. Another person cannot make you happy. Only you can make you happy. Happy is a choice. You can be happy or at least content in the worst of circumstances. If you aren't happy make changes. If you can't change your circumstances, find something good in each day to be thankful for. Change your attitude. I discovered some time ago that I can always change my attitude and change how I see my world around me.

I am not sure when Daniel and I will get around to celebrating our anniversary. Both of us have been sick the past few days. For me, I am not sure if I have caught his cold or if I am having an allergic reaction to a medicine that I was taking for a bladder infection. I do feel better today. So does Daniel. That is another thing about any good relationship is that you both need to be flexible with boundaries, thoughts and requirements. 

Here is the link to the article that I mentioned earlier from MindBodyGreen.

38 Hard Truths About Relationships @

Happy 43rd Anniversary Daniel. I love you more than I did last year. 

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Forgiveness Can Be So Complicated For Incest Survivors

Forgiveness can be so complicated for incest survivors. Some ask how do you forgive someone who hurt you so bad when they were the ones who should have been protecting you from harm? How can you forgive the sense of betrayal by the person who holds the biggest place in your heart when your abuser is your parent or a sibling? How can you forgive yourself when you grew up being told, by your abusers, that the incest was your fault. If you hadn't seduced them, they wouldn't have molested you. If you had been a good little girl or good little boy, you wouldn't have deserved to be sexually abused. How do you forgive yourself when you feel only hate for yourself? 

All of those are questions that I asked myself and every survivor that I know has also asked themselves those same questions. I have also heard survivors say, "Why should I forgive those monsters that took my innocence and destroyed my childhood? Why should I forgive such evil people?" I used to believe that forgiving my abusers meant that I was saying what they did to me was okay. That is never what forgiveness says. I know some survivors who say that they will never forgive their abusers. I can understand that stand even though I chose a different way. When you pressure a survivor to forgive before they are ready, you are adding more suffering to the abuse. Please don't do that. 

For myself, I have forgiven my abusers and myself. Even if you choose to not forgive your abusers, you should forgive yourself and your inner child. You were a child. You were not at fault or to blame for the abuse. Again, you were a child.  You may ask, "What do I need to forgive myself for?" I have written a whole article about that self-forgiveness that I will post at the end of this article. One thing to forgive yourself for is believing the lies of your abuser. You didn't know they were lying and giving your their shame. You didn't know it was theirs and not yours to carry. Forgive yourself for being a child who couldn't protect yourself. Your abusers had physical and emotional power over you because you were a child. Learning to love yourself and letting go of the self-hatred are a very important step to forgiving yourself. You were a child. If you could have done things differently, you would have. You were not in control of your life. Your abusers were.

Before I could forgive my abusers, I had to figure out what I felt and who I was. For years, I turned forgiveness over to God and asked Him to deal with it until I could. I didn't wake up one morning and decided to forgive. Forgiveness was a gradual process over years of healing. Only in looking back did I realize that forgiveness had happened. Forgiveness isn't a one time decision. Each time that a new layer of issues come up, I choose to forgive again. 

For me, the choice to not forgive just means I am still holding on to some anger that I need to feel and work through before I can let go. Once I can let go of the anger, which only happens after working through my feelings, then I can forgive again. Holding on to the anger doesn't have any effect on my abusers but it can hurt me by raising my blood pressure and creating illnesses in my body and mind. When that happens, my abusers win again. I am not into letting my abusers win. They had control when I was a child. As a survivor/thriver, I am the person in control of my life and the quality of my life. 

Related Posts:

Prelude To Forgiveness @

Forgiveness Is For You, Not The Other Person @

What Does Forgiveness Mean To Me @

Forgiveness, Done In Layers @

Forgiveness, Lies And Trust @

Journey To Your Heart - Learning To Love Yourself After Abuse @

Healing Is About Love And Compassion @

You Deserve Your Own Love Guest Post @