Forgiveness Can Be So Complicated For Incest Survivors

Forgiveness can be so complicated for incest survivors. Some ask how do you forgive someone who hurt you so bad when they were the ones who should have been protecting you from harm? How can you forgive the sense of betrayal by the person who holds the biggest place in your heart when your abuser is your parent or a sibling? How can you forgive yourself when you grew up being told, by your abusers, that the incest was your fault. If you hadn't seduced them, they wouldn't have molested you. If you had been a good little girl or good little boy, you wouldn't have deserved to be sexually abused. How do you forgive yourself when you feel only hate for yourself? 

All of those are questions that I asked myself and every survivor that I know has also asked themselves those same questions. I have also heard survivors say, "Why should I forgive those monsters that took my innocence and destroyed my childhood? Why should I forgive such evil people?" I used to believe that forgiving my abusers meant that I was saying what they did to me was okay. That is never what forgiveness says. I know some survivors who say that they will never forgive their abusers. I can understand that stand even though I chose a different way. When you pressure a survivor to forgive before they are ready, you are adding more suffering to the abuse. Please don't do that. 

For myself, I have forgiven my abusers and myself. Even if you choose to not forgive your abusers, you should forgive yourself and your inner child. You were a child. You were not at fault or to blame for the abuse. Again, you were a child.  You may ask, "What do I need to forgive myself for?" I have written a whole article about that self-forgiveness that I will post at the end of this article. One thing to forgive yourself for is believing the lies of your abuser. You didn't know they were lying and giving your their shame. You didn't know it was theirs and not yours to carry. Forgive yourself for being a child who couldn't protect yourself. Your abusers had physical and emotional power over you because you were a child. Learning to love yourself and letting go of the self-hatred are a very important step to forgiving yourself. You were a child. If you could have done things differently, you would have. You were not in control of your life. Your abusers were.

Before I could forgive my abusers, I had to figure out what I felt and who I was. For years, I turned forgiveness over to God and asked Him to deal with it until I could. I didn't wake up one morning and decided to forgive. Forgiveness was a gradual process over years of healing. Only in looking back did I realize that forgiveness had happened. Forgiveness isn't a one time decision. Each time that a new layer of issues come up, I choose to forgive again. 

For me, the choice to not forgive just means I am still holding on to some anger that I need to feel and work through before I can let go. Once I can let go of the anger, which only happens after working through my feelings, then I can forgive again. Holding on to the anger doesn't have any effect on my abusers but it can hurt me by raising my blood pressure and creating illnesses in my body and mind. When that happens, my abusers win again. I am not into letting my abusers win. They had control when I was a child. As a survivor/thriver, I am the person in control of my life and the quality of my life. 
Patricia

Related Posts:

Prelude To Forgiveness @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/prelude-to-forgiveness.html

Forgiveness Is For You, Not The Other Person @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/forgiveness-is-for-you-not-other-person.html

What Does Forgiveness Mean To Me @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/09/what-does-forgiveness-mean-to-me.html

Forgiveness, Done In Layers @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/forgiveness-done-in-layers.html

Forgiveness, Lies And Trust @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2013/08/forgiveness-lies-and-trust.html

Journey To Your Heart - Learning To Love Yourself After Abuse @  http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/08/journey-to-your-heart-learning-to-love.html

Healing Is About Love And Compassion @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/10/healing-is-about-love-and-compassion.html

You Deserve Your Own Love Guest Post @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/09/you-deserve-your-own-love-guest-post.html

The Beginning Of Who I Am Is Rooted In Incest

I am not the incest and it has helped to define who I am. A friend on Twitter recently told me that the abusers didn't steal the real me. Here are the Tweets that I sent back to him. I wanted to share this message with my readers.

For awhile, yes, they did steal me. The me you see today is not who I might have been without the abuse.

I could have been a better or a worse version of who I am today but either one would have been a different me.

Who I am today is because of my struggles with incest and my healing from incest. A person I am proud to be today.

Some of my choices when I was still struggling were not beneficial to me or my family.

I do love me today. For many years, because of the incest, I hated myself.

When I started healing at age 38, I didn't know who I was and didn't know what I wanted or needed.

Nothing changed until I started to love myself.


I love some of the conversations that get started on Twitter.  When I first started on Twitter, I didn't know how useful it would be for reaching out to other incest survivors but a friend suggested I give it a try. I am glad that she did. I have met so many survivors on Twitter. I still use my Facebook page but I use Twitter more.  Some of the survivors that I have met are still full of rage and the pain of their childhoods. Others have done healing of their issues and are experiencing joy and peace in their lives and, like me, are reaching out to other survivors. Either way, I can and do tell them that they are worth the work of healing.

I made the words of my last Tweet above in bold letters because I want to acknowledge that Nothing changed until I started to love myself. I will keep telling you over and over again here and on Twitter that loving yourself is the most important gift you can ever give yourself. Loving yourself is the key to opening the door of healing and you are worth it.

Feel free to comment on any or all of my above Tweets. I look forward to hearing from you.
Patricia