Saturday, August 3, 2013

Forgiveness, Lies And Trust

Hi, it is Saturday and I am cleaning house. Actually I am taking a lunch break right now and wanted to write down and share a few thoughts going thru my head from a number of conversations I have been in this week. Here they are, in no particular order.

1. Forgiveness is not a one-time thing. You have to do it over and over as issues come up, your pain is felt and you have reached the stage of taking back your power from your abusers. Forgiveness isn't about the abusers. With forgiveness, I reclaim my personal power to not be hurt or controlled by another person thru their manipulation of my feelings, mind or body. My abusers may never know that I forgave them. I don't have to confront them or even tell them that I forgave them. Little things are easy to forgive. Big things take longer and some may never be forgiveness. That is my choice to make. I believe that it is okay to not choose to forgive some things if you don't want to or can't. I refuse to carry around guilt if I don't forgive and no one else has the right to guilt me with their thoughs on forgiveness. Sharing your thoughts on forgiveness is different than guilting me because I am not really or willing to forgive. Most people know the difference.

2. Lies are the hardest thing for me to forgive and I may never trust you again, depending upon the size of your lies and the depth of the hurt they inflicted upon me. Again, even if I forgive you, I may not tell you because I don't want you to think that I am inviting you back into my life. I am not. I won't give you the chance to hurt me again.

3. Trust doesn't come easily to an incest survivor. We were told too many lies as children and expected to keep too many dark secrets that no child should ever have to endure the pain from. Trust builds slowly but can be torn away in just a second. If you hurt me badly, don't expect me to talk to you about it. Chances are I don't trust you enough to be around you again, much less be vulnerable enough to talk to you and possibly be manipulated by you again. I won't open myself up to that. You may think that is not fair but was it fair to tell me lies that hurt me deeply when I found out about them. Everyone may not understand my reasoning but most survivors who were abused during their childhoods by those who should have protected them will understand, I think. I may one day forgive you but I will probably never trust you with my friendship again.

Now I need to get busy with some house work. I hope that you are all having a glorious Saturday. I am going to turn on some music and sing while I work. That always lifts my mood.


triciagirl62 said...

Patricia, this is marvelous!!! Indeed each person must decide for themselves who we can forgive and who we can trust in our lives. It is a difficult process for anyone, but for survivors who battle with the intimate connection to abusive family members, rapists within our homes; liars who pass through our lives, it is very difficult at times. I applaud your write up here as always my friend, big hugs and know I sincerely respect your words, your friendship, OUR SURVIVAL & HEALING TOGETHER!! trish

Patricia Singleton said...

Trish, Thank you, dear friend. I respect you and am honored by your friendship and trust too. (((Hugs))) to you too.

Mary Ann Goughler said...

Hi Patricia, that was indeed wonderfully written...and if you were abused (in any way)I believe we have trust issues....I know I do. Re: forgiveness, it is a matter of choice...I chose to forgive my abusers 25 years ago bc I hated being angry all the time, I did it for ME..without telling "them" & thought it was over...until a few months when my abusers and I spoke opening..then I knew what real forgiveness was. Ms.Singleton, I do believe that you are one of the most underestimated advocates out go about your day, everyday for 20 plus years w/no fanfare helping any and all in need. You my friend are a Gem.

Patricia Singleton said...

Mary Ann, Thank you, my friend. I do appreciate your vote of support here and on Facebook. I do what I can to live my life to the best of my abilities and hope that every day, I help someone who needs it. I am smiling at your beautiful words, Ms Goughler.

IAMicried said...

Well written. As an incest survivor I can relate to what was written and your feelings. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. You are truly a remarkable woman. Blessings to you, Patricia.

Patricia Singleton said...

IAMicried, Thank you so much for your words of kindness. Blessings to you too, my friend. Survivors are remarkable people.