Sunday, December 30, 2007

Are You Judging Others As Less Spiritual Than You?

Yehuda Berg's Daily Kabbalah Tune Up on Monday, December 24, stated that "A common pitfall to avoid in spirituality is judging others as less spiritual than we are." This lesson was taught to me a few years ago and brought back to mind by this article.

Our ego likes to think it is bigger and better than others. About 2 years ago, my ego was doing some accessing of my spiritual growth and comparing it to where my husband appeared to be at the time.

My ego was feeling very smug and thinking I was so much better than my husband. Ego was patting itself on the back and laughing at Daniel, when suddenly I heard an inner voice say, "Maybe he is waiting on you to catch up to his growth level. Maybe he already did his spiritual growing in a past life and it is your turn to grow in this lifetime." What a shocking, enlightening idea!!! Ego drew back in anoyance at that idea.

I like that idea. We really don't see the bigger picture when we are comparing ourselves to others. I am grateful that Daniel has given me the space to do my own growing in my own way.

Who do you make judgments about that you are better than they are? Look deeper and see what gifts have come your way because of that person. Share those gifts with that person. Tell them how valuable they are to you. Tell them that you are grateful that they are in your life.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

"Survivor Needs" Meme List

Just before Christmas, I was tagged by Marj aka Thriver over at to participate in my first Meme. The theme is about paying attention to our needs during the holidays. Survivors are notorious for taking care of everybody but themselves. Didn't you know we are dispensable. At least our needs are. That is what I was taught as a child.

I am going to use Marj's title for my list. I am supposed to list 25 needs and 5 wants.

My Survivor Needs:
As a survivor trying to thrive:

1. I need to feel better emotionally.
2. I need to feel better physically --- no more migraines.
3. I need to stop having nightmares about being lost and snakes.
4. I need to look at the role that I play in my relationship with my brother and sister.
5. I need to look at the source of my anger and sadness.
6. I need to go to bed before 2:00 a.m. every night.
7. I need to stop eating sugar.
8. I need to control my overeating.
9. I need to do activities that are fun.
10. I need to continue to write articles on my blog about my recovery from incest.
11. I need to be more compassionate with myself and with others.
12. I need to connect more with nature to be more grounded.
13. I need to take out my inner children to play more.
14. I need to give myself the full value that I give to others.
15. I need to be more aware of my needs and work on getting them fulfilled.
16. I need to become more comfortable with the sexual side of myself.
17. I need to be in touch with all of my feelings.
18. I need to be more comfortable inside of my own body.
19. I need to remember to acknowledge the growth that I have done in the past year.
20. I need to reach out to other survivors with love and support for them and for myself.
21. I need to heal.
22. I need to love myself more.
23. I need to remember to tell my husband thanks for staying in my life through the difficult times.
24. I need to remember that others are just a mirror for what is going on inside of me.
25. I need to be more compassionate for those who are still in victim mode.

Here is my list of Wants:
1. I want coffee in the morning and afternoon and sometimes in the early evening.
2. I want chocolate.
3. I want to make everyone aware of Incest and Sexual Abuse and Child Abuse in any form so that it can stop.
4. I want my blog to be popular and have lots of subscribers.
5. I want Christmas to be a time of love and fun and joy.

I am supposed to tag 5 other survivors. The only ones I know have already been tagged by Marj. Now, I am off to read the lists written by the other 9 people that Marj tagged on her site. Thanks Marj for the opportunity for me to participate. Thanks for your continued support.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Compassion, The Ultimate Act Of Love

I have been intending to write this article for awhile and because of where I was emotionally I did not think that I could do it justice. I did not want any of my emotional upset to effect the story that I want to tell.

This is a story of compassion and love demonstrated by a simple act of kindness and caring by a husband for his wife.

The Three Monks are doing a Spread the Love Now! Group Writing Project. For the rules for submitting an article go to one of their websites.

Well, just a few days ago, I did a reading from The Healing Runes written by Ralph H. Blum and Susat Loughan. Of the three Runes that I drew, the second one was Compassion. The other two were Courage and Acceptance.

The following quote from the book may sound familiar to my regular readers because I have used it before. It is appropriate to the sharing of my story. On page 116, the book states, "It has been said that when we have compassion for one another, we shall be of one mind. For in living a compassionate life, we are practicing the Presence of God in a simple and universal way. Drawing this Rune reminds us to take time to show compassion for those we meet on our healing journey." The book goes on to say, ". . . remember to have compassion for yourself." This Rune further reminds us to look at the world through the eyes of compassion.

I drew the Rune for Compassion quite a bit while I was in India and since I have been back home. One of the best examples of compassion that I have ever seen was when I was at the ashram of Sathya Sai Baba in Puttiparthi, India.

My friend Ki does foot reflexology. She was staying near the ashram when my friend Sherryl and I arrived. Ki invited Sherryl and I to go with her to meet a couple from Austria. Ki thought that maybe Sherryl could do some healing work on the wife with her Reiki and Cranio-sacral adjustments that Sherryl is trained to do as well as being a massage therapist. I was too sick to accompany them for the first two visits.

On the third visit, I went with Ki and Sherryl to visit Hans and Marguerite. Marguerite had been paralyzed and not able to move anything except her head for over two months when we met her. She had been diagnosed with Gillian Barre Syndrome. Sherryl has known three other people who had contracted the disease back in the United States so she was able to give Hans and Marguerite some encouraging information about the disease. Two of the three people had complete recoveries from the disease. The third person was Sherryl's elderly uncle who only recovered partially. Because of his advanced age, he still walks with the aid of canes. Sherryl was able to tell Marguerite that since she was in her thirties and did not need mechanical help with breathing that she would probably have a full recovery. When Sherryl was massaging Marguerite's leg muscles, Marguerite felt pain from the muscles cramping. Sherryl was able to tell her that it was good news. Her muscles were beginning to get the feeling back in them so recovery was already beginning.

The most compassionate moment that I was blessed to be able to see was between Marguerite and her husband Hans who was her major caregiver during the entire two months that she had been completely helpless. Hans worked very hard to make sure that Marguerite was as comfortable as he could make her during this whole time. Sherryl's words gave Hans encouragement also. Hans was able to find people who could come in and do reflexology and massage to help keep Marguerite's muscles from atrophying.

As Ki was doing reflexology on Hans' feet and Sherryl was doing a massage on Marguerite's legs, I sat at their dining room table watching and holding the safe space for the healing work of the other two and sending Reiki energy to both Hans and Marguerite.

As tired as Hans was, he was always very gentle and loving towards Marguerite. She would ask a question or make a comment and he would patiently answer her. At one point, Marguerite gave a little cry of pain and then asked Hans a question. Hans gently and lovingly reached out and patted Marguerite's hand as he softly talked to her answering her question and reassuring her.

This simple act of patting Marguerite's hand was the most loving act of compassion that I have ever experienced. This simple act spoke volumes. I felt so blessed to be a part of the love and healing that took place in that small room.

That was the most beautiful experience that I had during my trip to India. I think that I have hesitated to share this experience because it was so personal and I was afraid that I would not do it justice in describing it. Three Monks, thanks for giving me a reason to make the attempt.
What better time than the Christmas season to spread some love.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Merry Christmas And Happy New Year

To all of my readers, I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Have a glorious 2008. Thank you all for your continued support and love that you have sent my way in response to my articles. Now, I am off to do my cooking for Christmas Eve with my husband's family in Louisiana and Christmas Day with my family in Texas. Love and blessings to all.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Journey Within Coaching Session With Paula Kawal

First of all, I want you to be aware of a teleclass that Andrea Hess is doing on Saturday, December 29 at 9:00 a.m. PST/Noon EST called Setting Your Intentions For 2008. Andrea says you will "Learn how to make New Year's Resolutions that actually stick!" I am looking forward to hearing what she has to say. You need to visit her site at
to register for the teleclass.

Yesterday at 1:00 p.m. CST, I was blessed with a free session with Paula Kawal which I won by leaving a comment on her article Celebrate the Wellspring and Win a Free Coaching Session found on her website . If you aren't aware or haven't visited in awhile, visit Paula at her site. You will be glad that you did. The writing and the coaching sessions that she does are fantastic.

The session that I was gifted with is called a Focus Session. The session required that I have total concentration on our phone call for 1 1/2 - 2 hours on the date that we set for me to call Paula. After I set up the time for the session with Paula, I became terrified. I struggled with the terror for days with the thought of changing the date until after the holidays. The rational side of me knew that I needed the session right now so I didn't change the date. When Paula answered her phone and asked how I was, in my usual honest manner, I said, "I am terrified." We both laughed. I told her that I had been overeating all week partly because of the terror of doing this session.

Early last week, Paula sent me a Welcome package through an email that had pages of information for me to read and fill out and fax back to her before the session. She emailed me on Saturday because I hadn't sent it to her yet. I emailed back and told her that part of me was resisting filling out the forms. I made myself sit down that night and finish the pages. I didn't completely fill out the answers. I did the best that I could and decided to leave it at that. My husband went and faxed the pages to Paula on Sunday afternoon for me.

All day on Tuesday, before time for the session, I looked at what I was thinking and feeling. Finally an hour before the session, I got an answer about my fears. Albert, part of this is thanks to an email that you sent me last week too. I realized that the anger and sadness have been a part of me for such a long time that I was afraid of who I might be without them. I didn't know who I would be without those parts of me. I shared this with Paula before we started the session.

In the session, with Paula's guidance, I was able to embrace the sadness and the rage that are inside of me. As Andrea pointed out in a comment to my Feelings article found at , I am not the rage and sadness. They are not who I am. Sometimes, I think, most of us lose sight of that and do believe that our feelings are us. They are not who we really are. They are tools that help us to be aware, but that is all they are.

At one pivotal point in the session, I found myself embracing the part of me that holds my rage in my arms. I held her with love and compassion and she started to cry and talk to me. Before I held her, she was yelling at me with all of her pentup rage. I could see her, in my mind's eye, but I couldn't hear the words that she was screaming. I told Paula that I had done a painting years ago where she was surrounded by clouds of red and black which represented her rage and despair. In the painting she had no mouth because no one could hear her screams of pain and rage.

As I held Rage in my arms, she started to cry and she told me that she just wanted to be acknowledged. She wanted to be heard. A different voice said to bring her into the Light. She has been in the darkness for so long. I envisioned her and I both standing in the most brilliant, loving light that you can imagine. She started to smile. Then the voice said to bring in Sadness also. I did. The three of us were there standing in the Light, smiling and holding each other. This was the biggest instance of healing for me in the entire session. We all three felt such love and joy. Love, joy and peace were the three things that Rage and Sadness both said that they wanted. Now we all have it.

Rage and Sadness are no longer Shadow parts of me living in the darkness. They are in the Light of my love and compassion. Thank you so very much for the gift of the session Paula. If I need any more help, I will definitely be contacting you. Paula, last night, I started straightening up in the living room to have room to put up Christmas decorations. I haven't decided yet if I want to put up the tree at this late date but I am going to put out some Christmas decorations which, up to this point, I couldn't make myself exert the effort to feel any passion for doing so.

Paula works with NLP in her sessions. For more information on Paula's work go to .

For prices for working with Paula with her Journey Inward Coaching go to .

I strongly recommend Paula and her work. The session has made a difference in how I feel. Thank you, Paula.

Monday, December 17, 2007


I am reading a book by Thich Nhat Hanh called Anger. On page 90, Hanh starts the following:

"In a time of anger or despair, our love is still there also. Our capacity to communicate, to forgive, to be compassionate is still there. You have to believe this. We are more than our anger, we are more than our suffering. We must recognize that we do have within us the capacity to love, to understand, to be compassionate."

I don't feel very loving or very compassionate right now. Those are the feelings that I need right now to feel for myself. I cried again yesterday.

I watched the movie "The Notebook." It isn't the first time that I have seen the movie. It hit me harder than the first time that I watched it. My sympathy and compassion go out to all family members who have to live through a loved one losing all their memories of their life and their loved ones. The entire story is about an older couple in a nursing home sitting and reading a story of young love. You aren't told until near the end that it is their story of love. The woman has dementia according to the doctor. Today it might be called Alheimer's. Her memory comes back for very brief periods of time where she knows who she is and who her husband is, sometimes just for five minutes and then she slips back into forgetfulness.

I would hate to forget my husband, children, family and friends. I would love to forget the incest. If I could forget, maybe I wouldn't hurt any more. Would my body still remember? Would some part of my subconscious still carry the memories of the physical and emotional pain of the worst betrayal of my life.

My eating has been out of control at night for the past three weeks. I don't eat much during the day. During the day, I eat when I am hungry. From supper (That is my Southern upbringing coming out.) on until I go to bed, I eat. It doesn't have to be sweet, but it helps if it is chocolate. Why am I overeating?

I am scared. Feelings still scare me. I am better than I have ever been before in my life about feeling and I still get frightened by them when they come up.

My mother-in-law scared me when I thought she might die. She is the only mother that I have left. I have a friend in the hospital right now who just had two major surgeries in a matter of days so there is the fear that she could still die. (I know that she could also live but that isn't my fear.) Fear isn't always rational. Most of my fears are not rational.

My anger isn't rational either. I am angry that I am still having to deal with my incest issues after all this time. I am angry at my friend who died two years ago. I am angry that I don't like my brother. I am angry that he reminds me of the uncle that sexually abused me when I was eleven years old. I am angry that I am not feeling any of that anger right now even though I know it is there still buried under the sadness that I have been feeling this month. The anger sneaks out and strikes and then goes back into hiding. I am probably the only one that it is hiding from.

I could go eat a horse right now but it wouldn't help. I know I am on the right track because tears are close to the surface again.

I hate that I am dreaming about snakes again. I know that snakes have to do with sexual energy and spiritual healing. I had a dream in which my husband Daniel bought a house and moved us into it and it was full of snakes. We had three children in the dream. My daughter's three oldest children were the children in my dream. Daniel and I were in bed in our bedroom but I couldn't go to sleep because I was afraid of the snakes in the house. I never saw any but Daniel had told me that he did. As I am busy being afraid to go to sleep, Daniel tells me that the snake that he saw in the bedroom was actually on our bed. I get more upset and tell him I will definitely not go to sleep now. I woke myself up from the dream. I got up and went to the bathroom. Then I went back to bed and went back to sleep and back into the very same dream about the snakes. Did I say that I hate dreams about snakes. I was upset when I went back to sleep and went back into the same dream after telling myself that I wouldn't.

Last night I dreamed that I was in a school as a student. I was the oldest in the class. I was at least teen-aged. All the other students were much younger. Someone broke my chair and the teacher sent me across the campus to find the repair shop to have someone come and fix my chair. Two little girls went with me. One of them went off ahead of us and we didn't see her again. The second little girl somehow hurt her foot or leg and I had to carry her on my back. She went to sleep as I got us lost. People kept giving directions but I couldn't find the repair shop. It was beginning to get dark when I decided to try to find my way back to the classroom. I woke up. I have been dreaming about getting lost a lot lately too.

If this article feels scattered and all over the place, it reflects on where I am right now. I haven't kept my writing schedule of posting on Wednesdays and Sundays because of my scattered thougths and feelings. It is difficult to write when you can't stay focused on one thing for very long. I also don't want to write unless I am being honest with myself and with you, my readers. This blog is about my spiritual journey, its ups and its downs. Right now, that is mostly down. I don't want to chase away my readers by wallowing in self-pity. I do want to be honest about what I am feeling and where I am.

That brings me to this poem that a friend gave me many years ago when I was first beginning to work on my incest issues. I don't know who wrote it. My copy is on a small card with a pray on the back of it. I will share the poem and the prayer. Here they are.

The Girl In The Glass

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you queen for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself,
And see what THAT girl has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or husband
Whose judgment upon you must pass;
The person whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful girl,
But the girl in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look her straight in the eye.

She's the person to please, never mind all the rest
For she's with you clear up to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test,
If the girl in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears,
If you've cheated the girl in the glass.

Dear God,
I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself. . . and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe this: I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. I hope I have that desire in everything I do. I hope I never persist in anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it at the time. Therefore I will trust you always, for though I may seem to be lost --- and in the shadow of death --- I will not be afraid, because I know you will never leave me to face my troubles all alone.

With that poem and prayer, I will close.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Cry When You Need To

I watched a movie earlier and I cried. What I watched isn't important. The fact that I cried is. Why did I cry?

Because it is Christmas. Because my friend Carol died 2 years ago on December 1 and isn't here when I need her. Because of the sad childhood memories that come up for me at Christmas. Because it was Pearl Harbor Day a few days ago. Because I got mad at my husband earlier tonight. Because my daughter and grandchildren live thousands of miles away in Idaho. Because my mom died Nov. 21, 1999. Because my friend Kathy was murdered the day after Christmas in 1992.

I have been reading other blogs lately who say that happiness is a decision and that suffering is optional. The wounded, hurting parts of me say _ _ _ _ _ _ _. Well, you really don't want to know what they say about happiness being a decision. I was told as a child that ladies don't talk like that.

I wanted to write some kind of article for Sunday but really didn't know what I wanted to say. I have been so tied up in emotions for the past week, emotions that I have not wanted to feel. These are emotions that come up for me every year around Christmas. Only in the past few years have I allowed myself to cry when the need grows strong in me.

What am I crying for? Christmas is a time for family. It is the time of year that I miss mine the most. Even when you grow up in an abusive home, you miss family. Often you miss what you never had---a happy home. I miss the healthy relationships that should have been between my father, mother, sister brother and me. I miss the happy Christmases that didn't happen because of the incest and the alcohol. My dad and grandfather were verbally violent alcoholics. The threat of physical violence was also there. Holidays always seemed worse.

I can hear voices saying for me to just let go of it. This happened 30-50 years ago. No matter how much forgiveness that I have done, the feelings still come up at Christmas. I don't know how to make them stop other than to feel them. That is the difficult part. Will they ever stop coming up? I hope so. I don't know if it will ever happen. It isn't as simple as telling myself that I am going to be happy this Christmas. Some Christmases are better than others.

Some of my tears have been for my friend Carol not being here. She was one of my best friends. We had known each other for about ten years. She died of a heart attack just after midnight on the morning of December 1 two years ago. They say that anniversary's of someone's death is when you miss them most. She was in my thoughts last week but the actual day passed without me recognising that it was December 1. Carol was a good listener and counselor and could help me work through my feelings to find the source of the tears, fears or anger. I am having to do that by myself this year. Earlier tonight when I was crying, I wanted to run to someone to have a shoulder to cry on when I got angry at my husband. I realized that there was no one that I could run to. In the past, I would call Carol and she would point out that Daniel wasn't being insensitive on purpose. She would point out that he probably wasn't even the person that I was angry with and most of the time she was right. I don't like having to figure out all of that by myself. As you can tell, I am not being my usual rational self.

Guess what? Feelings aren't rational. Someone earlier in the week mentioned that I might be feeling Christmas blues. I know that more suicides happen this time of year than any other time. I even thought about naming the article Christmas Blues. Suicide has never been an option for me. Some part of me says, "I won't let the bastards win." By bastards she means the ones who abused her/me. There is a defiant person inside of me who gives me the strength to never give up.

The cheerful, optimistic part of me who often wishes people a glorious day isn't in residence right now. I know she will be again, just not right now.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Limiting Beliefs May Be Holding You Back or How Incest Is Still Affecting My Life

From Your Hands Can Heal You written by Stephen Co and Eric B. Robins, M. D. with John Merryman, page 37,

"Limiting beliefs are mental judgments that we've made about ourselves, the way the world works, or the way we interact in the world based on faulty, incomplete, or improperly understood information we have received, typically in the formative years of childhood. The information can come from primary authority figures (parents, teachers, clergy) or peers (classmates, friends), or indirectly from other sources in the world (books, television, movies, advertising). This information may be true on some level. Perhaps your parents' marriage wasn't very good and loving, or you really didn't have the ability to be a dancer. The information may even be well-intended. Your father may have honestly believed he was trying to motivate you to settle for nothing less than your best efforts. The mind of a child lacks the ability to discriminate and sort through these messages, however, so these unfiltered messages impinge upon your unconscious mind and lead you to form untrue assumptions about yourself and the world. These gross generalizations become limiting beliefs, which, in some ways, are the toughest types of unconscious programming to dislodge or bypass."

Along these same lines, yesterday I read an article written by Alex Blackwell on his blog Personal Development for The Next 45 Years entitled 10 Things You Wish You Had Never Learned found at .

Well, here is my list of limiting beliefs, some of which I am still struggling to change:

1. I learned that I didn't have value as a woman except to be a sexual object.

2. I learned not to expect anything from anybody.

3. I learned that the world was a dangerous place.

4. I learned to not trust anyone, including myself.

5. I learned that God didn't care about me.

6. I learned that I could never be good enough.

7. I learned that there was no one to protect me.

8. I learned that the dark was a scary place.

9. I learned to sleep lightly.

10. I learned to pretend that I was asleep sometimes when I wasn't.

11. I learned to be afraid of sounds in the night.

12. I learned that a child's no wasn't important.

13. I learned to be quiet, to hold in the screams of pain and rage.

14. I learned that to cry was to be weak.

15. I learned to not feel.

16. I learned that what I wanted wasn't important.

17. I learned to pretend that everything was normal.

18. I learned how to escape into my mind, books and movies.

19. I learned how to disconnect from my feelings and my body in order to survive.

20. I learned to be the family hero.

21. I learned to protect my mom at all costs.

22. I learned how to be a parent to both of my parents, rather than being a child.

23. I learned that people and life will disappoint you.

24. I learned that my body wasn't mine to control.

25. I learned to lie when all that I wanted was to tell the truth.

Some of these I have worked on and healed. Some of them, I still struggle with. Can you come up with your own list? Give yourself credit for those that are no longer a problem. Look at the remaining ones and see if there are any that you want to change. Can you imagine the ways that your life will improve by dealing with your own limiting beliefs? Yes, change can be fearful, but isn't peace and happiness worth the change?

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Family Generational Patterns of Behavior

Do you have any generational behavior patterns that have been passed down through your family to you? I do.

I remember, as a teenager, becoming aware that my mother and grandmother had a love/anger relationship. I knew that they loved each other and I also knew that they were angry with each other. The anger was underneath everything they said to each other. The emotion was never acknowledged by either of them. The anger remained unvoiced between them and some how that unresolved emotion got passed down to my daughter and me. I never knew why they were angry with each other. I just knew it was there. Recently, I may have discovered a clue to the cause of their anger. Since neither of them is alive for me to ask them, my discovery will just have to remain an educated guess.

I had my own unresolved anger at my mother because of my incest issues. For many years, I didn't want to know that I was angry at my mom. I loved her. Daughters---good daughters---if they were angry with their parents didn't admit it. How could I be angry at the person who gave me life? How could I protect my mom emotionally and express any anger toward her? I couldn't. My assigned family role was to keep my mom from protected from feeling emotional pain. I couldn't do that if I was honest about my anger so I denied it to her and to myself.

When I got into a recovery program and counseling, my mom thought it was all because of my dad's alcoholism. She could deal with that. She got angry with me because she saw it as criticism of her choices as a woman---she married him and stayed with him---and her choices as a mother---she stayed because of us kids. She told me that she stayed with him for all of those years because of us kids. Mom died in 1999 without ever acknowledging that she was angry with me for bringing things out into the open.

Several times over the past years, I have realized that the cycle of mother/daughter anger has been passed down to my daughter and me. My daughter and I have had several discussions about the anger that suddenly flares up between us.

I wrote briefly about my anger that would flare up whenever my daughter would get pregnant. You can read about that in my very first article called Three Of My Past Life Experiences found at . My daughter and I have talked about it and we both now know where my unexplained, very intense anger came from. With my daughter's last pregnancy, I was at peace and did not experience any of the anger of the first three pregnancies. For me, discovering and acknowledging the source of the anger dissolved it.

Recently, in the Language of Mastery class that I took, I found what I believe is generational anger. Now, without my mother or grandmother alive to ask, this is only an assumption on my part. In the class, we had a writing exercise to do. I chose the relationship with my daughter as one of my topics to write about and discovered an "ah-ha" moment.

In writing, I realized that I sometimes feel jealous of the relationship between my husband and daughter. They love each other, as they should. That was part of the problem.

As I was deciding to write this earlier, I got another piece of the puzzle. My jealousy comes from the fact that I didn't have this kind of relationship with my dad. I always missed that healthy form of love from my dad. Father-daughter relationships are different than mother-daughter relationships. Because I never had that kind of love from my dad, I resented the love between my husband and daughter. I found another shadow part of myself for me to connect with.

How could this be a generational pattern? From the stories that I heard from my mom, I know that she and her dad were very close. My mom was the youngest of eight children. The closest to her in age was a 10 year old sister. My grandmother was in her 30's when mom was born and my grandfather was in his 50's. From what my mom said, she adored her dad and he adored her. In looking at my feelings of jealousy, I wonder if a similar feeling of jealousy was possibly behind my grandmother's anger at my mom? I can't ask either of them. I do believe this is a strong possiblity.

So here comes the conscious language:
I choose to release my feelings of jealousy and love my daughter unconditionally.
I love my daughter.
I am grateful for the loving relationship between my husband and daughter. Their relationship is healthy.
I choose to have a healthy, loving relationship with my daughter.
I release my feelings of loss with my relationship with my dad.
I love my dad.
I love my husband.
I love myself.
I love all the different parts of myself. I am whole and free of the past.
I choose to release any anger passed down to me from my mother and/or grandmother.
I love my mother.
I love my grandmother.
I replace jealousy and anger with love and joy.
I am love.
I choose to release generational patterns in any and all forms.
I embrace my shadow self and reconnect with that shadow self with love and forgiveness.
I connect with I Am That I Am.
I am whole.
I choose to feel all of my emotions. I choose to search out the source of all intense emotions and release them from my body.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Compassion Begins With Me

I just read an article called The perils of forced Compassion and Loving-Kindness, Part 1 which was written by Albert Foong of UrbanMonk.Net. The article is posted at

In the first part of Albert's article, he explains the statement of "Why we begin with ourselves". From my own experiences, I agree with Albert when he asks, "How can we give what we don't have?" My answer to that question is, "You can't. I know. I have tried to do just that."

For two years before we moved to Hot Springs, Arkansas, my husband and I were foster parents in two different group foster homes. In both homes, we were given a cottage of two - ten boys ages 7-18 years old. Most of the boys were 14-16 years old.

When my husband and I talked about working as foster parents, it was my idea originally. I envisioned us having a girls' cottage. I thought that I could help abused girls learn to love themselves. I thought that I could help them to grow into productive, happy young women who would find love and marriage and children in a Donna Reed/Father Knows Best kind of world. Those were TV shows from the 1950's that represented what the perfect family should be like. They showed what was supposed to be normal, loving, happy families who overcame life's struggles through the support of each other and their faith in God. They were "perfect" families. Not at all like the family that I grew up in.

I thought that if I could help others, then I would have value and everyone would love me because I was doing something special by helping these young girls from troubled homes. Boy, my ego sure sounds pompous even to me. Those were my thoughts back then when I was still looking for ways to feel good about who I was. I was still in denial of how I was being affected by my incest issues.

What I didn't know and the number one lesson that those two years taught me was that I couldn't help anyone until I helped myself. Those teenage boys mirrored my own inner demons of rage and hurt back to me. The main difference, probably the only difference, between me and those boys was that they used their internal rage to rebel against their parents and society. I suppressed mine until one of the boys would act out his rage and then my rage was right there in my face in all of its full-blown strength. I didn't want to see my rage, at that time. I just wanted to deny it and keep it hidden from the world so that I could keep my halo in place. I wanted everyone to see that I was a good little girl. I wanted approval.

Thank you, boys, for teaching me about myself and my rage. That part of my journey prepared me for the next step when I decided that I needed to work on me. Until I loved myself, I couldn't really love anyone else. As Albert's article says, until I felt compassion for myself, I couldn't feel it for anyone else either.

The second part of Albert's article is entitled Loving your enemy. I was my own worst enemy as long as I was a volcano of emotion waiting to explode. Loving any other enemy wasn't possible until I loved myself.

At different times in my life, I tried to forgive my sexual abusers. There was more than one. I didn't know how to protect myself so I attracted several abusers. Most of the time that I tried to do forgiveness was because of a sermon at church that said that I should forgive them. I cried so many tears and thought I had found another area that I was flawed in because I couldn't forgive. I have done four articles on Forgiveness previous to writing this article.

The first article is called Forgiveness, Done In Layers and found at

The second article is called Happy Father's Day, Daddy and found at

The third article is called Forgiveness Is For You, Not The Other Person and found at

The fourth article is called Prelude To Forgiveness and found at

True forgiveness did not come until I chose to forgive myself of my real and imagined transgressions. The first person that I forgave, after myself, was my dad. I looked at what I knew of my dad's childhood and saw him as an angry, hurt little boy. I am not excusing what he did. I chose to see the hurting person inside of him. Because I could feel compassion for myself, I could feel it for the wounded person that my dad was. I now know that he was also just a mirror for my own woundedness.

My mother, who was the co-dependent, emotionally shut-down parent was harder for me to forgive. Forgiveness for my mom could only come after I looked at all of the ways that she used passive-agressive behavior to control people and situations. My dad was openly aggressive with his rage. My mom's rage was buried deeper and made me question was I imagining what she was doing. That kind of behavior can make you feel crazy until you see it for what it is. As a woman and mother, my mom was the main role model for me becoming a woman and mother. I couldn't forgive her until I was willing to forgive the same things in me.

In some ways, I became both of my parents in my sometimes openly aggressive behavior and at other times with my passive-aggressive behaviors. Both were extremes and very unheathy. As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I learned that doing extremes is a characteristic of many Adult Children. Those were my experiences of how to deal with my rage. There was no balance.

The openly aggressive rage came out when my volcano of emotions refused to be suppressed even one second longer. My passive-aggressive rage came out in the form of sarcasm. I played word games in my mind and verbally allowing my ego to build itself up and feel superior to others by tearing people down with my words. Who did the sarcasm hurt the most? Me. Most of my "victims" didn't even know that they had been wounded (or so I thought) because I was so clever with words. I was a master of sarcasm. I thank God that I woke up to the harm that I was doing to myself and others. I realized that I didn't feel respect for myself or for anybody else. I slowly changed that by becoming more conscious of what I said. I am still working on mastering letting go of sarcastic thoughts.

I recognised neither of those ways of dealing with my rage until I discovered the 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon. Those two groups of people and the 12-Steps which were adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous taught me that everything begins with me to paraphrase Albert's third section of his article which says, "Start within you."

"Compassion begins from the heart" is the final section of Albert's article. Albert, this is one of those articles that you write so well that spoke to my heart and pulled these words of response out of me.

Compassion really does come from a heart that has learned to love---first and foremost, to love oneself. Real compassion enables you to release anger, hurt, and sometimes tears. Real compassion has no judgments against you or others. Real compassion allows you to see the other person or the circumstances as your teacher, not as someone who intentionally or even unintentionally hurt you. Real compassion allows you to connect with the oneness of all. It allows your inner light to reach out to others in love and kindness. Real compassion allows you to see all of the other person, warts and all, and allows you to choose to love that person anyway. It allows you to see the other person's pain. I know that my dad's rage came from the hurt and angry child that he was inside. I know that my mom carried a very frightened little girl inside of her. I know that, even with all of the spiritual growth that I have done in my life, I still carry around an angry little girl and a very frightened little girl inside of me. Neither one of them is as angry or as frightened as they used to be. They are both learning to play and be children. That is part of my healing journey. Want to go outside and play? These inner children are where some of my greatest moments of creativity come from.

No one can hurt me, unless I allow them to. Forced compassion isn't real compassion. Look at your reasons for pretending to offer compassion. If you want to be compassionate because the church or people expect you to, or because the Bible tells you that you should, none of that works. These reasons just give you more reasons to beat yourself up, to hate yourself, to call yourself all of the nasty names that your inner critic can think of. Hit the stop button on the remote control of your inner critic. Real compassion starts with being compassionate with yourself. Offer compassion to yourself and the love then will flow from your heart to others.

This article and Albert's article are just further lessons for me about compassion. When I was in India recently, Compassion was one of runes that I drew the most frequently in my daily reading from The Healing Runes. The rune of Compassion was my sign to be compassionate with myself and my own healing journey and to extend that compassion to all others that I came into contact with.

From The Healing Runes, written by Ralph H. Blum and Susan Loughan, St. Martin's Press, New York, 1997, page 116-117: "It has been said that when we have compassion for one another, we shall be of one mind. For in living a compassionate life, we are practicing the Presence of God in a simple and universal way. Drawing this Rune reminds us to take time to show compassion for those we meet on our healing journey." The reading goes on to say that we can show compassion through service.

The Rune says that you may be required at this time to recognise something that you have long denied and reminds you to have compassion for yourself as you face this challenge. In India, I came face to face with some of my grief and was able, through compassion for myself, to release the grief through the release of healing tears.

The Rune also says that a physical healing often comes about through compassion for yourself. On one side of Compassion is Fear. One the other side is The Divine. ". . .Fear, passing through the prism of Compassion, is transformed into the energy and radiance of Love." Look at the world around you through the eyes of Compassion.

Albert, thanks for the Link Love and the inspiration for this article. Albert's article can be found at

Thursday, November 22, 2007

A Day Of Gratitude

I know that rather than being on your computer, you are probably having a wonderful Thanksgiving Day with your family and friends. As I wrote that, a voice popped up and said, "if they are Americans." I still tend to forget how far out there my reach is with this blog thanks to the world-wide web.

Whether you are American or not, you can still decide to have a day of gratitude on whatever day you choose to read this article. Being in gratitude is a great way to go though a day. Experience the joy of a grateful attitude.

Thank you to all who read and/or subscribe to my blog. Thank you for those of you who have reached out to me with the comments that you have left at the end of my articles. Your words are important. Your comments tell me that I am accomplishing my goals of spreading knowledge, of touching others with my words and stories, of opening eyes and ears to be more aware of the abuse that may be happening around you, and of opening hearts to any abuse survivors that you may know or meet. I thank you for letting me know, through your comments, that my choice to share some of my more painful childhood experiences is of benefit to other survivors. For the most part, I do not live in that pain today. I choose to revisit those painful times to benefit others who think they are alone and have no way out of the pain. My goal for this blog is to offer hope and strength to all who read my words. Your pain may be from a different experience than mine. We can learn compassion for ourselves by offering it to others. We are truly one.

Someone told me recently (I have actually been told this several times lately, so I know it is really important.) that when one of us changes, we all change. So, if you want to change the world, do as Gandhi says "Be the change you wish to see in the world."

My blog presents a variety of topics, as my spiritual growth takes me down many roads.

Part of that path has been about incest. I am thankful for the incest and the abusers who have been in my life. They have been some of my greatest teachers. In addressing the incest, I have found out who I am and what I am not. I am not a victim of incest or of anything else. I am a strong, caring, courageous woman. I thank my parents for the parts that they played in my life.

A number of my articles were written in gratitude to The Most Influencial Person (people) in my life. I do believe in saying Thank You when someone has done you a service. I have even been known to sarcastically say Thank You to someone who did me a service that I didn't appreciate. Have you ever done that?

I have also written about other subjects that I believe in, such as the Law of Attraction and the use of affirmations. I know that affirmations work. The use of affirmations helped me to learn to love myself and helped me build my self-esteem from that of a frightened child in a woman's body to the healthy, compassionate woman that I am today. I know my self-worth today. I am grateful to the people and books that introduced me to affirmations, The Secret, and The Law of Attraction.

I am grateful for the opportunities to travel to India three times over the past ten years. I am amazed at the difference in where I am on my spiritual path now compared to that first trip back in 1998. Seeing how different and how alike people are around the world helps me to remember that we are all one.

I am thankful for the success of my blog. A year ago, I would not have imagined having all of the new friends that I now have because of my blog. Your friendship is much appreciated even though we have never met. You have all become a part of my spiritual growth.

Here are some links to some great articles on gratitude written by some of those new friends of mine.

Nneka at Balanced Life Center started a month of weekly Season Of Gratitude posts found at

Edward Mills at Evolving Times found at

Albert Foong at UrbanMonk.Net found at

Marj aka Thriver at Survivors Can Thrive! found at

Stephen Hobson at Adversity University Blog found at
I just discovered Stephen's blog in the past few weeks.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Let's Talk About Spirit Guides Teleconference With Andrea Hess And Slade Roberson

Saturday afternoon, November 17, 2007 at 1:00 p.m. C. S. T., I was on the phone for the first teleconference that I have ever participated in. I was on the listening end of the conversation. The teleconference was done by two of my favorite spiritual bloggers---Andrea Hess and Slade Roberson. If you have never checked out their blogs, just click on the links below.

You will find Andrea at .

You can find Slade at .

Both of these spiritual bloggers have added to my spiritual growth by sharing their particular areas of expertise. I don't know if either of them considers themselves as experts on their subjects. Those are my words.

Today's teleconference was about Spirit Guides and how to connect with yours. I took nine pages of written notes from the phone conversation which lasted a little over an hour.

The first advise that Andrea gave to us was to tell us to each find our own unique way of contacting our spirit guides.

Slade told us to let go of any expectations that we may have about what our guides should look like, sound like or how they should connect with us.

Slade and Andrea both talked about how our guides are with us from birth so we are very familiar with their energy and what it feels like to have them near us so that most of us know they are there and have forgotten because of the familiarity. We are so used to having them around that it isn't a part of our consciousness for most of us.

Your guides can work through a voice or voices that you hear in your head. (No, you are not crazy, but your ego will ask if you are.) Hunches and intuition can come from your guides. Repetition can be used by your guides to get your attention. Ex.: Hearing the title of a book over and over again. Hearing the same song over and over again may be a message. A word that keeps coming to mind over and over again may be a signal for something. Symbols, numbers, anything that you keep hearing or seeing over and over again may be a message that your guides are attempting to get your attention.

Andrea said that your guides always work in the present moment. Information is for now, not next week. The future has different possibilities and different paths than today.

Andrea and Slade are both going to be doing future teleconferences so go to their sites and keep up to date by subscribing to their blogs. I look forward to future teleconferences from both of them. Thanks to you both for a very enjoyable hour.

A relatively new blog that I discovered this week, that you can also check out is called Spiritual Drifts from The River of Karma. He still hasn't told me how he decided on River of Karma as a name. I really like it. You will find this blog at

Another favorite of mine that I hope is back for good after a little hiatus is Damian at . Damian provided the inspiration for my The Most Influencial Person series that were some of my first articles that I wrote for my blog back in June and July 2007.

I am amazed that I have actually been blogging for such a short period of time. Writing and blogging are two of my most joyful activities that I have ever done. I have also done some tremendous growth because of some of the articles. Revisiting some of my childhood has been painful, which I didn't expect it to be. What the pain told me was that some areas still need more work. My goal with writing the incest articles is to offer others the knowledge that they can heal as I heal. This is my journey.

Thanks to those of you who are reading this and have joined me with your own healing journeys. We are all connected. We are all one. As one of us heals, it affects all of us.

Have a glorious Thanksgiving Day. My husband, son and I will be visiting family in Louisiana. I will be busy cooking all day Wednesday. I enjoy cooking for special family occasions. It is a chance to make old, much loved recipes like pumpkin pie and Southern cornbread dressing like my mother used to make. I also love to find some new, untried recipe to tempt appetites with.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Language Of Mastery

I recently took a one day workshop called Language of Mastery. The instructor, Coleman Kelly, has given his permission for me to supply his email address to any of my readers who may have questions or who may be interested in setting up a Language of Mastery workshop in your area. Coleman does travel to do workshops.

The email for Coleman Kelly is .

Here is an example of what I learned in the workshop about changing my choice of thoughts and words.

Original thought:
I don't seem to be manifesting what I want in my life.
(Want equals lack. I discussed this in my first article on Conscious Language which you will find at .)

Better choice:
I am manifesting my abundance. I am rich.
(Manifesting---any "ing" word---is in the future. You want to manifest in the present.)

Best choices:
I manifest my abundance. I am rich.
I express the abundance that I know I am.

One very important activity that I sometimes forget to do (Change that to: I choose to do) is to breathe. Holding your breath holds you back. (Change that to: To move forward, I choose to breathe.
Even better: To move forward, I breathe.)

Another thing that I learned in the workshop is that eating a lot of sugar is usually a sign of a person who is avoiding grief. The same is true for a person with a blood sugar problem such as diabetes. You feel like the sweetness of life is gone. Coleman told us that suppressed grief is waiting to be transmuted into joy.

Using the above information, here is the process that I went through in the class. The words in italics are the thoughts of the wounded little girl that still lives inside of me.

1. Eating too much sugar, having a blood sugar problem
Are you avoiding grief?

2. Grief about what?
People don't love me. They use me. They abuse me.

At this point, I was crying. Tears are a sign that says this is a core issue.

3. (New thought) I choose to feel with ease.
Avoiding grief means not feeling the grief and the underlying pain. I personally stuff feelings down with food. Others may use alcohol, drugs, smoking, excessive exercise, sex, etc.
I choose to feel with ease gives me permission to access the feelings. Feeling emotions allows me to release them.

4. (New thought) I choose to feel my connection to myself---to my body.
As an incest survivor, I disconnected from my feelings and my body years ago. In order to heal, I choose to feel my connection to myself and to my body.

5. (New thought) I choose to love myself.
As an incest survivor, for years I hated myself. I didn't think that I was lovable.

6. (New thoughts)
I love myself.
I love my body.
I feel.
I am lovable.
I am love.
I love.

At the beginning of the above process, I felt grief, hurt and sadness.
At the end of the process, I felt a release of the grief and a return to joy. I felt love for myself.

Some other conscious language statements to use:
1. I am Light and Love. (Light and love leave no room for grief or sadness.)

2. I am connected to the Source of All that is.

3. I am connected to my Higher Self.

4. I choose to understand. I really choose to understand.

This article is my interpretation of what I have learned so far about the use of Conscious Language. My ideas of how it works will probably change as I learn more. What I have shared is my understanding of how the process works. Remember that I am just beginning to learn how to do this.

I choose to learn more. I grow as I learn. My understanding changes as I grow. For more information, contact Coleman Kelly or go to the website listed at the beginning of the article.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Spirit Animal Totems

I just read an interesting article about spirit animal totems written by Geoff over at Tapping Creativity. You can find the article at . At the end of Geoff's article, he gives you a site that you can go to and take a quiz to find out what your animal spirit is.

You can find the quiz at . The quiz is purely for entertainment purposes. Jeri Smith-Ready calls it "Spellbinding fantasy for the heart, mind, & soul." Well today, that was what I needed---to have fun, so rather than one of my more serious topics, today you get this article.

Read Geoff's article. Then go take the quiz for the little kid in you who wants to play today. Most little kids love animals.

My quiz results say, "You are a Horse!" My other animal spirits were Swan with 21 points, Wolf with 20 points, Owl with 20 points, Hawk with 19 points, Otter with 18 points, Crow with 14 points, Spider with 14 points, Wolverine with 14 points, Bear with 13 points, Cougar with 13 points, and Fox with 11 points.

Some of the animal spirit totems from the above quiz results are new to me. Some are not. I have always loved horses, wolves, owls, hawks and cats in any shape and form. My favorite cat has always been the tiger. Tiger has been one of my animal spirit totems since I was a young child. I used to dream about a tiger that would talk to me. This dream came many times in my childhood. As an adult, many times I dream about Snake, another of my totems. A friend did an animal spirit totem reading for me years ago. Some of my totems from that reading were Tiger, Snake, Buffalo, Eagle, Coyote, Wolf and a few others that I have forgotten. Over the years, I have had others totems come and go such as the Black Leopard, Crow, Hawk, and Owl.

If you are interested in reading more about animal spirit totems, go to the above sites where you will find other links to play with and find your own animal spirit totems. Have fun today. Go play. Have a glorious day.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

First Darshan In The Ashram---India Trip

During our first darshan in the ashram, I was sitting and talking with my friend, Ki as we waited for Sathya Sai Baba to appear. A young-looking 40-year-old Indian lady was sitting close enough to overhear our conversation. I was catching Ki up on some of my activities of my life over the last few years since we last saw each other.

I was telling Ki that I got kicked out of the church that I have been a member of for almost 10 years. I was one of the infamous 12 that the minister kicked out of the church because we chose to disagree with her.

I went on to share with Ki that I realized that my anger with this person was way out of character for the situation that I found myself in even before she kicked me out of the church so I looked deeper inside of myself to see where my anger (I really should call it rage.) was coming from. Over a period of a year, I got information from a past life that I had shared with this lady and her husband of this life time. The first information that I got was of him as a river boat captain. In a meditation that he was leading at the church on a Sunday morning, I suddenly saw such a clear image of him in my mind. He had a handlebar mustache from the 1800's. He was in a uniform. A friend gave me the information that he was a river boat captain and that he was my husband in that life time. My inner voice confirmed the information. Over the next year, I received bits and pieces of information about this past life. The final piece came from a vision that I had of me being thrown overboard his ship. I drowned. With this last bit of information, I was able to say that I forgave all three of us for the parts that we played in that past life. I was no longer angry at either of them or at myself for the parts that we each played. My rage was gone almost from one thought to the next. It simply wasn't there. I know that I had probably fed some of her anger at me by my reactions to her.

The young Indian lady was avidly listening to my story as I shared it with Ki. When I finished my story, the Indian lady said that she had read the book Many Masters, Many Lives. I told her that I had also read it and it was written by Brian Weiss. She agreed. The book was written about his study of reincarnation.

The young Indian lady told us that she was at the ashram to enroll her 14-year-old son into Swami's School. She told us that when the Indian government would do nothing to help the area people get clean water, that Swami stepped in and got it done. I have read from other sources that Swami has helped to bring clean water, electricity, free education and free hospitals to parts of India when the government seemed helpless to do much.

The Indian lady told us that in July for two weeks she was very, very sick and in the hospital. She decided that she was going to die. She told us that there was a picture of Sathya Sai Baba high up on the wall at the foot of her hospital bed. She started talking to Swami's picture. He talked back to her and told her that it was not her time to die yet. The picture started making vibhuti (sacred ash which is a signature thing that articles tied to Sai Baba sometimes do, especially pictures). She said that almost overnight, she got well. The doctors did not understand how someone who was as sick as she was made such a quick recovery. She never questioned why. She knew.

The second wonderful story that this kind lady shared with us had to do with the birth of her son. She told us that her son has two birthdays. When she was pregnant with her son, her due date was on November 23 which is also Swami's birthday. Her husband told her that he would not be around on November 23 to take her to the hospital or to bring her home after the delivery on November 23 so she would need to have the baby either before or after that date. She was so upset and stressed by this news. She wanted her son to be born on Swami's birthday and she wanted her husband around for the birth and to take her home afterwards. She became very depressed over the situation. Her mother and aunt told her to write to Swami about the situation and her feelings about it. She did.

She told Swami, in the letter, that she wanted her son to be born on Swami's birthday but that her husband could not be there at that time. She asked if her son could be born on November 7 instead to suit her husband's schedule.

Well, on November 7, her son was born. On November 23, her son got very, very sick. The doctors thought that he would die and told her and her mother that there was nothing else that they could do. Her mother told her to pray to Swami and told the doctors to keep working on the little boy. I am not sure whether the baby actually died or not. In the crowd that we were sitting in, it was sometimes difficult to hear everything being said. What I did hear her say was that her son was born a second time on November 23. According to her, things happened exactly as she had asked Swami in her original letter written before the birth of her son. She told us that her son was born on November 7 and again a second time on November 23.

I thought this was such a wonderful story to be told on one of my first days at the ashram. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Some might even say these were miracles. These are just two examples of the kind of "miracles" that Sai Baba devotees from around the world report from their close association with Swami's love. If you are interested in more stories of this type, check out the list of books written about Sai Baba from my article found at
Each book that I have read about Sai Baba is usually full of stories like the above.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Childhood Memories

Written on January 27, 2005 at 1:00 a.m.

When I was born, I wasn't supposed to have survived being born. I was told this by a Seer in India. My Mom had built up so much grace in her past lives and she really badly wanted a child, her request was granted and so I was born.

Like most children, at some time in their lives, I used to wonder if I was adopted. I didn't fit in my family. I was nothing like my brother or my sister. I always felt smarter and older than my Dad. I was my Mom's protector. Mom taught me that to feel hurt too much. I don't think I was ever allowed to be the child with either of my parents. So, little girl, I don't know how to play.


One is alone, crying, dying, surviving.

Two is alone, trying to be quiet, afraid of and wanting someone's attention.

Three is calling myself an adultress.

Four is a little girl in an Easter dress.

Five is starting school too young, a week-long ear ache, learning to whistle really, really, loud just for the wonderful sound of it.

Six is my first boyfriend and girlfriend and love of a teacher, being Mother Mary in the school Christmas play.

Seven is when my Grandma's house burned down and everything changed. I don't know how or why.

Eleven is loss of innocense and childhood. I become Woman---Wife---Mother---for my parents.

Do I have any happy childhood memories? Probably, but if I do, they are well hidden. With 2 angry parents, can the children be happy? If you have happy memories of your childhood cherish those memories and hold them close. You are blessed.

When you suppress bad memories, good ones also get lost in the process. The mind doesn't destinguish between good and bad. It erases memories that you want it to plus some that you don't want it to. The subsconscious does not distinguish between the two. That is probably why so many abuse survivors don't remember much of their childhood. The few good memories that I do have were always time spent at my maternal grandmother's house, not the house of my parents.

This was not written to depress anyone. It is written to let other survivors know they are not alone in what they feel and what they remember or don't remember about their childhoods. As an adult, I have built many good memories with my husband and my children to make up for those that I don't have of my childhood.

Sometimes, we forget just so that we can survive the abuse. I have conscious memories of the incest happening for six years from the age of 11-17. I have art work that I did in counseling that suggests that the incest started when I was much younger. I have a memory of when I was three years old and called myself an adultress that suggests the incest may have been happening as early as 2-3 years. For two years, it bothered me that I could not remember why I called myself an adultress. The implications are there but that is all that I have. Then I realized that the mind of a three year old does not having the coping skills of an eleven year old. The way that the mind of the three year old dealt with the (possible) abuse was to totally block it out except for this one memory of labeling herself as an adultress. The mind does protect us in this way. Another way that some incest survivors take is to become a multiple personality. It is just as valid of a survival tool as forgetting or blocking memories.

Conscious Language---Using The Law Of Attraction More Effectively

The following article was written after I watched a video from the following website:

The Law of Attraction is really about watching our choice of thoughts and words. Conscious Language from is a great way to do this. Their founder says that sometimes all it takes is the shift of a few words to change your whole world.

Did you know that each time you say, "I want" or "I need" that you are focusing on lack? When you say "I want", you are in effect saying "I don't have this." "I need" works the same way by saying, "This is not in my life." Lack! Lack! Lack! Is more lack what you want (Change that last word to 'choose'.) to create?

Instead of "I want" or "I need" substitute the following choice of words.
I have. . .
My choice is. . .
My outcome is. . .
My choice of outcome is. . .
I can. . .

The best positive reinforcement for Conscious Language statements is any statement that starts with the words, "I AM." "I AM THAT I AM." is one of the most powerful statements that you can say to connect yourself to the Source of All That Is.

Never use "I Am" with words that you don't want to create. A better Conscious Language way of saying this statement in a positive manner would be, "Use I Am statements for manifestation of the results that you choose to have happen in your life."

Start to use and make statements with the following words and see what changes can happen in your life.

I can. . .
I am. . .
I will. . .
I will it so. . .
I have. . .
I love. . .
I create. . .
I enjoy. . .

Make these statements with feeling and watch how quickly that your heart's desire will manifest in your life. Have a glorious day.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Prayer Request From Patricia

Hi. This is a quick note and request for prayers for my mother-in-law, Virgie Lindsay. Virgie is going into the hospital on Friday, October 26 for possible heart surgery in Bossier City, Louisiana at Willis Knighton North Hospital. She is 85 years old and except for her heart in relatively good health. She had her middle son who lives with her call my husband last night. She had just gotten home from 2 days of being in ICU with a very rapid heartbeat.

A friend of mine who is a healer and psychic has told me that it is not Virgie's time to die, unless she lets her fears guide her in that direction. That is the gut feeling that I get as well. I have already started my own form of healing energy work on her and hope to be able to talk to her in the morning before whatever proceedure that the doctors decide to preform.

My request to each of you is for prayers and the offering of whatever healing energy work that you may feel called upon to use in Virgie's behalf also. Thank you for whatever you can do. Just prayers are fine too. If you know of any prayer circles or prayer groups, please put Virgie's name in those prayer groups. Again, thank you.

We are leaving in the morning, at her request, to be at the hospital with her. The decision to do heart surgery or not will be made tomorrow morning around 11:00. Reiki during surgery is not a thing that you want to do because it will make bleeding easier but any other form of healing will be appreciated. I will not do a Sunday post because I don't know when we will get home from Louisiana. I will post an update as soon as I know anything and am back home with access to my computer.

Thanks to all.

A Season Of Gratitude---Home From India

Nneka at Balanced Life Center has sent out an invitation to write and post articles on the subject of what you are grateful for in your life. She is the inspiration for me writing this article. Thanks, Nneka.

After coming back from each trip to India, this one in Sept./Oct. 2007 and the previous ones in March/April 1998 and July/August 1999, I am always grateful that I was born an American this lifetime. Most Americans have no idea how truly blessed they are by being born in a land of plenty. Believe it or not, but even our poor are rich by India standards. Maybe it is the sheer numbers of beggars that you see on the streets of India but there is a difference. I do know that many Indians looked at my American friend and I and saw "rich" Americans. To begin with, the money that we spent to fly from Arkansas to India and back is much more than the lower class in India makes in probably several years. By American standards, my friend and I are in middle class America, far from being rich, money-wise.

I am rich in so many other ways. Money-wise, I have the money to save and spend on my basic needs and a few luxuries. Basic needs of water, food and shelter, in America, are considered luxuries by some in India. In India, from what I have seen (I have only been to southern India.), there are two classes of people---the very poor and the very rich. There may be other classes in between these two, but they aren't very visable if they exist.

I come back from my India trips extremely grateful for clean, running, hot water and electricity. A warm shower feels so good at the end of a long day. Drinking water out of a faucet is definitely appreciated. Try brushing your teeth with water out of a bottle to see how convenient it is.

Electricity that is always available with a rare interruption of power is wonderful. Electricity is available but goes off at least once a day for 2-10 minutes at a time in the ashram.

In the hotel that we stayed in at Bangalore, we actually had a bathtub which my roommate loved. I prefer a shower. I never have liked sitting in dirty water. The water for showers in the ashram might get to luke warm during the middle of the afternoon. In the early mornings, after a night of sweating from my sinus infection fevers, the water was cold, especially if I still have a fever. After the initial gasp of shock, the water didn't feel so cold. At night if you took a shower before going to bed, the water was back to being cold. It is so nice to have warm water coming from your shower. As I have stated in one of my earlier articles, our room at the Brindavin ashram in Whitefield which is just outside of Bangalore (our first India trip), we had a faucet near the floor, a drain in the floor and a bucket and dipper which was what our shower consisted of.

I am grateful for soft toilet paper that moves with your hand and doesn't stick to the first part of your bottom that it touches. I know you are probably laughing at that one but it is true. I am grateful for toilet paper that didn't just come straight off of the tree with wood fibers that you can actually see still in it. Soft is very, very nice. If you ever go to India, buy the biggest rolls that you can find and take several with you depending upon how long your trip is. You can buy what they call toilet paper in the stores there. You will wish that you had listened when I said buy your own from home and take it with you.

I am grateful for my soft bed. I didn't realize how soft it was until I got back home after my most recent trip. Even in the hotel, the bed was hard as the floor. Actually, the floor might have been softer. I tried two mattresses on my bed in the ashram and my friend who is afraid of bedbugs had us take my husband's two blow up mattresses that he uses for sleeping out on hiking trips. Ever those blow up mattresses didn't make the beds any softer. Do I hear you saying, "She really is a very spoiled American." Hey, I admit it. I am spoiled by the American life style. I had no idea that I was spoiled until my first trip to India. I am also very grateful for this life style, even more so after these trips. That is why I have trouble believing the Indian Astrologer who said I would eventually retire in India at the ashram and just come back to the USA occasionally to visit family. Is he out of his mind? Do he and Swami know something that I don't? We will see what the future brings. It is truly full of possibilities.

I am grateful for hot food that doesn't burn my tongue and my throat and everything else that it touches with pepper. Mexican food is not hot compared to Indian food. What I thought of as hot Mexican food is no problem to eat after a trip to India. Hot and spicy is worse when you have a sore throat from sinus drainage. I love their hot food when I don't have a sore throat. I drink lots of lots of water to cool the fire of each bite.

I love cool weather of the Fall days of October in the USA. Temperatures were in the high 80's to low or mid-90's when we were at Puttiparthi. I love not sweating. Next time I will take a thermometer with me so I will know exactly what the high for each day is.

I am grateful for being back home with my friends and family. Mail moves much slower in India than in the U.S. I got home quicker than some of the post cards that I mailed home on my first week in India. We didn't take my friend's cell phone. She doesn't have international service on it and I don't own a cell phone. My husband thinks it is an expense that we can live without. There was a phone place that we could go to near our room in the ashram. I told this story in one of my other articles. Calling home is difficult because of the time differences. 10:00 a.m. India time was near midnight Arkansas time the one time that I called and spoke to Daniel.

I did have to come home and tell my husband that, "Yes, they do have cell phones in India." As one of my new friends stated in jest, "Why, even the dogs in the ashram have their own cell phones." I saw an article in the newspaper on our second day in the hotel that said that the use of cell phones was beginning to be the cause of auto accidents in Bangalore. Some of the drivers are beginning to be distracted from their driving because of cell phone calls. Believe me, driving in India takes your full attention. You cannot drive intuitively and be distracted by a phone conversation. I don't even want to talk to the driver and possibly distract him from his driving when we are in the taxi or motorized rickshaw. One Indian hotel employee laughingly offered us a ride on his motor scooter. I laughingly refused. No thank you. Not enough protection between me and the other drivers. A rickshaw does offer some protection from dents and bruises. Scooters usually have one-three riders at a time. Not for me. My adventurous spirit does not go for foolhardy.


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Expectations---India trip

A friend asked me to talk about my India trip to her library group on Wednesday, October 24. I told her that it was too soon to talk about my trip in front of a group yet. I am still processing everything that happened and all of the lessons that I learned, most of which came about because of my illness. I am still not ready to face a crowd of people yet either. The few times that I have gotten out this week have really drained my energy. I feel like I am still on India time. I have been in bed between 9:00-10:00 p.m. every night since I have been home and I wake up between 4:30-6:00 a.m. just like I did in India. Rather than get out of bed that early, I will usually turn on one of my meditation tapes and listen to that until at least 7:00 a.m. before I get up. Before this trip, I would go to bed between midnight and 2:00 a.m. and get up between 10:00-11:00 a.m. every day. I am over jet lag and have been emailing and talking to friends about my India experiences so I decided it is time to start writing about all of those experiences.

Before I started writing, I went back and reread my articles that I wrote about my previous India trips to make sure that I don't repeat what I have already written. So here goes.

From my journal entry on Monday, September 24, 2007, somewhere flying over the Atlantic Ocean. (I don't know how many time zones we have gone through, so it may be early Tuesday, September 25 already.)

"What do I expect from this trip to visit Sai Baba? I feel a bubble of joy go through me when I realize we are really doing this. I want to meditate more and write more while we are in India. (I took extra ink pens, paper and notebooks to have on hand to be able to do all of this extra writing, none of which happened. I did get one article written that I will post at a future date but I was too sick to do any other writing than in my journal each day.)

I want to hear the Universal OM that I experienced on my last trip to Puttaparthi where when I listened even the heavy construction machinery seemed to be saying OM. I want to hear and feel that Universal vibration of creation again. (I didn't hear the OM that I heard my last trip, no matter how much I tried. What I did hear was almost constant chanting. I couldn't tell you the words but I knew it was chanting.)

I want to feel and know that I am God, that we all are God united as One. I want to come home with that inner glow that Ric says I came home with after my first trip. (No one has told me that I am glowing but I "KNOW" that I am different than when I left home on this trip. I also came home at least 10 pounds lighter because of being so sick and not eating much.)

I want to give cheerfully of myself in service at the food cantina helping to dry dishes after meals. (We were too busy doing other things and learning other lessons to do much of this on our first trip to Puttaparthi. I told Swami that when I came back to India on my next trip that I would do more service in the kitchen after meals.) During our first trip to India, when we were working in the kitchens at the Brindavin ashram in Whitefield, I was given the honor of drying Swami's dishes after one of the meals. I wanted to keep it to myself and I wanted to share it with Sherryl and Ki and the rest of the world that I was chosen for that honor from a whole room of women. (Swami had other plans for us this trip too. We only ate in the cantina 3 times and the only time we helped dry dishes, Sherryl's fingers started to bleed from being in the hot water. This wasn't the form of service that Swami had in mind for us.)

I want to experience the joy of meeting new friends from all corners of the planet. In KodaiKanal in 1998, we sang bhajans (songs of worship to God) with ladies from Russia who had beautiful voices but didn't speak any English and we didn't speak any Russian.

On a roadside in the middle of nowhere, I sang bhajans with a black man from Jamaica who was my teacher at the time and a beautiful spirit of a lady from Romania who spoke more with her heart and her beautiful, loving eyes than she did with her broken English. We sang while we watched the sun rise and everyone else was asleep in our broken down, rented van while we waited to be rescued. That was an experience that I will always cherish because we were three hearts touching and becoming One heart beat as we watched the beauty of Nature unfold for us in the quiet of an early morning."

These were my expectations of what I thought would happen on this trip to India. These were the things that I wanted to happen this trip. As you can tell from my added comments, Swami often had other plans for us.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

A Tribute To My Traveling Companion---India Trip---Sept./Oct. 2007

I am home from India. I got home around 8:30 p.m., Central Standard Time, Monday, October 15, 2007 as scheduled. I am back in Hot Springs, Arkansas, USA, feeling spoiled and enjoying every minute of it. I appreciate being born an American more each time that I visit India and all of its hardships.

In this first article about my trip, I want to tell you about my traveling buddy. I could not have asked for a better traveling companion than my friend Sherryl. You met Sherryl very briefly in my article The Most Influencial Person---#5---Best Friends.

Before I made this trip, I knew that Sherryl is a great healer. I tell her that a lot. She is very humble about her healing abilities. Sherryl is my Reiki teacher. I have taken Level I and II from her and plan in the next few years to take Levels III, IV, and V from her and also become a Reiki Master like she is. Sherryl has incredible power in her hands. She is also an extremely caring person.

Sherryl sees things that I miss. She sees auras and has wonderfully detailed dreams most nights. She is a deeply spiritual person.

One day while we were walking through the ashram, she pointed out an older Indian lady who was having problems getting her walker down the stairs. Sherryl and I both rushed over to help the lady down the last few stairs. I happened to get there a little ahead of Sherryl. I moved the walker down the last two stairs and offered my hand to the lady. She thanked me and told us that she had been praying to Swami that he would send help to her. I told her that it was my friend Sherryl who saw her. I would have walked by and never seen her if not for Sherryl pointing her out to me. Because of my illness, I was more focused inward than usual and did not even see that the lady needed help.

I am writing this article to say, Thank You Sherryl for being such a good friend and for taking care of me when I was too sick to take care of myself. You being there with me made the trip much easier when I was too sick to cope on my own. Thank You Swami for having Sherryl come with me.

Sherryl and I have known each other since we met in a meditation class sometime in 1997. Each of our three trips have bought us closer together as friends.

On the second or third day in the ashram at Puttiparthi, I got sick with the worst sinus infection and cough that I have ever had. Not only my head and face hurt but my top teeth were very sore from the infection. I have never had my teeth hurt with a sinus infection. I usually get at least one sinus infection a year so I knew what it was that was wrong with me. My ears were also stopped up, especially the left one which is still filled with fluid.

Another story will be about the healing lessons that I received during my almost sleepless nights with this illness. I coughed really hard during the day and more so at night when I would try to go to sleep. The only way that Sherryl got any sleep was by using ear plugs and taking sleeping pills. I still managed to wake her up a few times when the coughing was especially bad. The last three nights in the ashram, I tried sleeping partially sitting up. It didn't make much difference. I still coughed. Another friend bought me cough medicine which didn't help either.

Before this trip, for several months, I have been experiencing pain across my back where my kidneys are. Sherryl and I both did Reiki on each other's kidneys three to four times during our stay in the ashram.

One evening, my chest started hurting with the coughs. Sherryl asked if I wanted her to cup her hands and beat on my back. I told her if she thought it would help, then yes. She would cup her hands and hit on both sides of the spinal cord but not on the spinal cord itself. She hit pretty hard. The cough did not turn into bronchitis. My chest quit hurting when I coughed. She did this about four times during the trip.

There were three or four different days that I didn't have the energy to leave our room. Sherryl kept me company on the two worst days. She bought me food and water when we were out. I lost over 10 pounds during this trip.

Sherryl, in addition to being a Reiki Master from the Usui Shiki Ryoho school, is a licensed massage therapist, and is trained to do Cranio-Sacral healing work. I will have to ask Sherryl to explain to me exactly what Cranio-Sacral work consists of. I know she works on my head and moves my neck very gently and it feels wonderful. I always feel better later. I know some Chiropractors do Cranio-Sacral work in their practices. Most do not.

Sherryl and I were in what felt like total harmony on this trip. We had a reading done for each of us by an Indian Astrologer who said we were soul mates and have many past lives together. At one point during our stay in the ashram, Sherryl asked me if I was aware that we were reading each other's thoughts and finishing each other's sentences. I wasn't aware of it. I was so sick that I don't think that I was aware of much of anything outside of my own body and mind.

Is this our last trip to India together? If you had asked me when I was so sick, I would have said that I was never going back to India. When I shared that with Sherryl, she said she knew that was what I was thinking. According to Sherryl and her dreams, we are going at least two more times. The next trip is scheduled for three years from now. She dreamed this trip into reality. I didn't. When she told me about the dream, I told her if it was supposed to happen, Swami would work out the details. He did and we went. If he calls, we will go again.

According to the Indian Astrologer, we have many more trips to come in the future. He told me that I would actually live there semi-permanently in the future with just family visits to the states. I smiled and thought, "Only if Swami knows something that I don't." It is in Swami's hands. If he plans it, it will happen.

Again, Thank you, Sherryl for the wonderful care that you took of me while I was sick. Without you, this trip would have been much worse. I hate being sick away from home. And, yes, I know that and the healing lessons that I learned are the reason that I attracted the whole illness. It is good to be home.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Trip to India

To my subscribers, I am on the airplane flying to India, as you read this. My friend and I are scheduled to fly out of the Little Rock, Arkansas airport a little after noon on Monday, September 24, 2007. We will fly to Atlanta, Georgia. After a layover in Atlanta, we will fly to Paris, France. We will get into Paris, France in time for breakfast on September 25. I have never been to France before. If we get in on time, we hope to see some of Paris but it will depend upon where the airport is located and how much time we have before we fly on to Bangalore, India. We will spend a few days in Bangalore before traveling by taxi to Puttaparthi, India. If you don't know, Bangalore is in southern India. Puttaparthi is about 70 something miles north of Bangalore.

To anyone visiting the blog for the first time. Welcome. Stay and look around. If you like what you see, feel free to subscribe.

I will be offline from Monday, September 24 until I get back home on Monday, October 15. I don't get home until late on October 15. It will take me a few days to get settled back in so I am not sure when my next article will be posted. I will be journaling about my trip and intend to do future articles about my experiences in India and at the main ashram of Satya Sai Baba, a Holy Man in India. Have a glorious time while I am gone. I sure intend to.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Pre-India Trip Feelings

Here I am less than 24 hours from leaving for India. I went to church this morning and one of my friends announced to everyone that I was leaving for India tomorrow. Another friend came to visit a short time ago to give me a hug good bye and to give me $20.00 to bring her back some souvenirs. I have told my son where my passwords to the computer are, just in case. No I am not expecting any problems and I do have a practical side that likes to cover all the bases.

I have emailed everybody that I will be gone and asked those that email me a lot to hold back on everything but what they consider the essential emails so that I don't spend a month sorting through emails. I canceled some of my subscriptions to things that I no longer read anyway and started a "Sites to Resubscribe To" for those that I am interested in subscribing to after my trip. I have run across some great sites in the past week that I want to remember to check out when I get home so those are in that folder too.

I am excited. I am tired. I am ready to go. I don't want to wait until tomorrow to leave. Did I say, I am impatient???

I have packed and reduced the stuff in my big suitcase 3 times this week. It is so hard for me to not pack everything that I might possibly need for the next 3 weeks. The big suitcase can't be over 50 pounds or I get taxed more. I think it weighs 46 pounds. I have taken everything out of boxes and put the contents in loose which goes against my sense of organization. It also cut down the weight of the suitcase. I took out my little bag that has all of my bathroom things so well organized because it weighed quite a bit by itself. I haven't gone any where without that bag in at least 5 years. Like I said, I like being organized.

This is the first Sunday that I haven't posted an article since June 1. I feel unsettled, restless, excited, scared (just a little). I am being honest here.

I am bored because I want to get going. I am ready to be active, moving forward, not sitting, waiting. Did I say, I am impatient. My husband will tell you that I get a little crazy when it comes to traveling. Well, not actually traveling, it is the getting ready stage that I tend to lose it. I really do become a shrew trying to get everyone out the door on time. Once we are in the car, actually traveling, I am ok, back to my usual, calm self. Then I have to apologize for my behavior of the few hours before. I try to control myself and I still lose it. Maybe that is why Daniel is staying home instead of going with me to India. All he has to do is drive us to the airport at 7:30 in the morning. I would like him to go with me to share the experience and then I am glad he is staying home because he won't like all of the sitting that is involved in the trip and at the ashram.

I think I will go see if something is on TV or meditate or read a book to pass some time.

Or I might do some writing. As I find myself getting ready to leave my computer and blog behind for 3 weeks, things that I want to write about are just flying through my mind. I am taking my journal and a second notebook to do any writing for future articles that come to mind. I am going to spend more time meditating while I am gone also. I will have plenty of time on the plane and on layovers to either read or write over the next two days.

Well, I am running out of steam and words so I will just say, "Miss me, just a little bit while I am gone. I know I will miss you. Have a glorious day, week, month, year, life."