Dear Mama - Abandonment

Dear Mama,

The first time you abandoned me, I was only two years old and very sick. I now know that the doctor told you the my baby brother would die if he got the whooping cough from me. You probably thought your mother's was the safest place to leave me while you looked after the baby. He was more important than me to you. He always seemed to be your favorite. I don't remember, but at two years old, I must have cried for my mama and you weren't there. I was too young to understand. I grew to love my grandmother, maybe more than I loved you. She never left me when I needed her. 

You used to get upset, when as an adult, you heard me say that in many ways Grandma Howe became my mother. Even after I started to school, I was allowed to go spend the Summer with Grandma until I turned seven years old. After that I wasn't allowed to visit her except for holidays when the whole family of origin went to visit her. I missed her. So, a second time, abandonment became a part of my life because of Daddy's decision and yours to let him make it. My feelings never were important to either you or Daddy.

You never protected me from harm, as far as I can tell. When I was three years old, I made the decision to become your protector. I knew you didn't feel anything like those around you did. I decided to protect you so you wouldn't be hurt by others. 

No child should ever be put in the position of protecting their parents. I did that for both you and Daddy by keeping secrets. There was much that I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. It wasn't important that I was being hurt as long as I protected you. You were important. I was not. That is how you taught me abandonment again. You were emotionally unavailable for my entire childhood. That is a form of abandonment. 

Another form of abandonment in my life started when I chose you and your feelings over mine. I abandoned myself. In order to protect you, I had to abandon myself and put your feelings above my own hurts and feelings. You were important to my survival. With Daddy abusing me, I turned to you for love and care and you didn't do your part in protecting me. I couldn't tell you about the incest and protect your feelings too. I couldn't take the chance that you would blame me or shot Daddy and go to jail. Because of all of these fears, I kept silent.

Fear of abandonment is why for eight years, I didn't tell Daniel about the incest. I was afraid he would blame me, as I blamed myself and I feared he would leave. Fear of abandonment was my very first issue to address in healing from incest. So I guess it is appropriate to revisit abandonment with issues with  you too, Mama.

How does all of this writing make me feel? I am not sure what all of the feelings are right now. I can tell you that most of them are felt in my stomach and solar plexus as flutterings working their way to get out. I also cried earlier, not while writing this, but while reading someone else's story on Facebook. I carry tension in my stomach and across my shoulders and in my neck muscles. I started writing this series because of the headache that I have had for the past few months. With the help of a friend, I figured out that unresolved mother issues could be the source of my headaches. So the series of blog articles that I have labeled "Dear Mama" will be my attempt to work my way thru those issues starting from my earliest memories which is where this article starts at age two until no more issues come up for me.

You may ask why I have taken so long to write about my mother issues. Mother issues are tied into my self image. My mother was my role model of what it is like to be a woman myself. So looking at mother issues is looking deep inside myself at who I am too, as a woman. How much did who my mother was affect who I have become? Did she affect who I am at all? Hopefully along the way with this series, I will be able to answer those questions for myself.

Patricia

 

 Related Article:

FEAR, The Monster @

http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/03/fear-monster.html 

FEAR, The Monster

Each time that I face my fears, FEAR dies a little more. Its control over my life and my actions becomes less and less. FEAR is no longer the monster that it once was keeping me shaking and silent in its grip.

Did my fears start when I was abandoned for the health of my baby brother when my parents left me with my grandmother and uncle because I had whooping cough? I was just two years old. I didn't understand. "Where is momma and daddy? Why did they leave me here? Are they coming back? What did I do wrong that they left me here? They don't love me enough to keep me with them. I must be bad. I want my momma and daddy. Why won't they come?" These were probably my two-year-old thoughts. Was this the beginning of my journey with FEAR as my constant companion?

I can feel the inner two-year-old crying and screaming for her parents. She doesn't understand that they had to leave her there with her grandmother. The doctors said so. They couldn't risk her baby brother getting whooping cough. As young as he was, he wouldn't have survived. Her grandmother loved her but she wanted her parents. Nobody told her what was going on. She didn't understand. She was frightened. She was lonely. She was alone with strangers. She was two years old.

It doesn't matter that she soon came to love her grandmother and uncle dearly. They loved her in return. To be left in a strange place without her parents was the start of her journey with FEAR. This was my first experience of abandonment.

I don't remember being that frightened two-year-old. I know that she has to be there inside of me waiting for her parents to return. I believe this to be my first taste of fear. This was the birth of the monster FEAR. As I love that inner two-year-old and help her face her fears, then FEAR shrinks in size and begins to lose that grip on her and on the adult me.

Were you introduced to FEAR when you were a child? What does FEAR look like to you? What color and shape is your FEAR? Does he have a taste or a smell? Can you recall the first instance that you were introduced to him? Feel free to share here in a comment or on your own blog if you have one. If you want to, you can even leave a link here to your own article about facing your own monster FEAR. Remember that each time that you face FEAR, he loses more control over you and he becomes smaller. When you face FEAR, he is forced out of hiding. Once FEAR is brought out into the Light, he loses his power to control you.


What started me thinking about fear was an article that I read over at the Just Be Real blog. You will find "How Does Fear Define You?" at this link:

http://justbereal77.blogspot.com/2010/02/how-does-fear-define-you.html


Another blog that I have discovered recently that you might be interested in checking out is written by Pete Madstone. The first article that I read on Pete's blog is entitled: "Deception and the Beauty Within". You can find this article at the following link:

http://madstone2000.wordpress.com/2010/01/24/deception-and-the-beauty-within/

Just Be Real and Pete Madstone are both in my blog roll found on the right side of the sidebar on my blog site if you are interested in reading more of their articles. I am already a regular visitor of Just Be Real and I soon will be for Pete Madstone's blog also. I hope that you will join me there.
Patricia

Out Of My Comfort Zone---A New Al-Anon Sponsor

I am way out of my comfort zone this week, for several reasons.

First, on Wednesday after the Al-Anon meeting, I asked a lady to be my sponsor. That makes me accountable to her for my behavior and growth. When I asked her was during a hug. I started crying---still don't know what that was about. I told her that I have been meaning to ask her to be my sponsor for awhile. My obstacles to asking her have been my fear of being rejected, fear of being blamed for the incest, and fear of not being worthy of her time. Having a sponsor in Al-Anon means seeing her in person for discussions about my recovery, or lack thereof, while using the 12 Steps of Al-Anon to create growth in my life and talking to her on the phone several days a week besides at Al-Anon meetings. I touched a spark of shame that I didn't know was still there. That spark was about not being worthy of taking up someone else's time. That is my biggest reason for not calling someone else on the phone when I need help. Well, this week, I went out on a limb and asked. It left me feeling vulnerable which is a feeling that I still haven't learn to be ok with. Feeling vulnerable means not feeling safe to me.

My first sponsor was a male friend from Adult Children of Alcoholics. I was told that women should have women sponsors and men should have men sponsors so that no 13th stepping goes on. (I think it is called 13th stepping. I am not sure.) It prevents possible sexual abuse happening between the man and woman. At the time that I picked my male sponsor, I was more afraid of being judged by a woman. Most of the women in my life when I was a child were extremely judgmental. That was my biggest fear from women. At the time, I couldn't face that possibility. He was my sponsor until his wife came along. Then she became my co-sponsor. After her death ( http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/07/most-influencial-person-3-recovery.html ), I was very angry at God and didn't want another sponsor that could leave and abandon me. After a few months, I asked another lady to be my sponsor. This was only for a short time before I stopped going to Al-Anon.

Asking another person to be my sponsor is a very big step for me because it means that I have to do the First Step and give up control to another person as well as to God. It means that I now have to work all 12 Steps over again with a new person in charge. It is very hard for me to give any control over to another person in my life.

My new sponsor asked me to be sure and share all of the good stuff in my life too if I am going to share all of the garbage that comes along. Knowing me as well as I do, you will be hearing more about this new part of my journey. I made the committment to call my new sponsor every week which I haven't done yet. We did meet at McDonald's earlier in the week for breakfast and our first discussion as sponsor/sponsee.
Patricia

You Had It All The Time

My friend Slade Roberson from the blog Shift Your Spirits recently wrote an article called "Are You Developing Too Rapidly?" found at http://sladeroberson.com/manifesting/are-you-developing-too-fast.html.


I read the above article just after reading the beginning chapters of a book called "I Had It All the Time" written by Alan Cohen back in 1995. I wanted to share a few quotes from the book in case you are like me and haven't read anything by Alan Cohen.


From the Foreword, on page ix:
"Sooner or later we reach the point where living the truth becomes more important than seeking it. Knowledge, techniques, and experiences pale in the face of riches of the heart. Learning must give way to being."


From page xii:
"You are not a black hole that needs to be filled; you are a light that needs to be shined. The days of self-improvement are gone, and the era of self-affirmation is upon us. It is time to quit improving yourself and start living."



For many years, I saw myself as a black hole wanting to be filled with love, with food, with something so I wouldn't feel so empty. I felt emptiness because, like my parents, I had abandoned myself.


What it took me years to realize and what this book says is, "I had it all the time."

I spent years running here and there, reading this book, watching that video on self-improvement. According to Alan Cohen's book, I didn't have to do any of that searching. I already had it; I just didn't know it. All I had to do is remember who I really am.


In the book "I Had It All the Time," Mr. Cohen talks about self-discovery rather than self- improvement. He says your spirituality isn't your journey. You don't have some place to go; you are already there and always have been. The real you doesn't need improving. You have forgotten the greatness of who you really are in searching for self-improvement when all you really need to do is remember and just be.
Patricia