Foster CAT Foster KID: GOD Says You Don't Have to Eat Dirt Anymore! Book Review

In the introduction to her book, Foster CAT Foster KID: GOD Says You Don't Have to Eat Dirt Anymore!, Katherine Jones tells you that she is writing for four audiences: Animal Loving Readers, Foster Care Community Readers, Abuse Survivor Readers and People of Faith Readers. Katherine does a great job of addressing all of those topics in her book. I fit into all of those groups. Katherine's love of animals and her belief in God helped her though her childhood struggles with incest and her mom's mental illness. Like many abused and neglected children, Katherine took on an adult role early in her childhood, protecting her younger sister and her mother from what she could. Katherine shares her experiences in and out of foster care and living with a mother who was mentally ill.

The Foster CAT in Katherine's book was named Good Boy by her husband when he found him living in an abandoned lumber yard next to where he worked. The adoption of Good Boy into their family created an opportunity of healing for Good Boy and for Katherine that makes the reading of Katherine's book so inspiring. I would recommend this book to all of my friends. Katherine is a survivor of incest and of the foster care system that is today failing so many of our children. She is an advocate for animals, for abused children, and for those who are in the foster care community. Thank you Katherine for sharing your healing journey.
Patricia

Believing You Are Worthy

This morning I was reading another Wayne Dyer book called The Invisible Force: 365 Ways to Apply the Power of Intention to Your Life. It is a daily meditation book that I read several pages each of the past few days. On page 198, it says:

"If you don't believe that you're worthy of fulfilling your intention for health, wealth, or loving relationships, then you're creating an obstacle that will inhibit the flow of creative energy into your daily life."

I do know, that as an incest survivor and a survivor of emotional domestic violence in my childhood home, I am blessed that I married a good man instead of another abuser. My non-existent self-worth could have attracted someone into my life that would have treated me in the way that I thought I deserved. It happens frequently to incest and domestic abuse survivors. Often we recreate our childhood environment until we figure out that we don't have to do that any more, that we do deserve better. 

One way to not attract abusers is to learn and establish healthy boundaries. An article that I read this last week written by my friend Dan Hays at HEALTHY PLACE, America's Mental Health Channel talks about setting up healthy boundaries. Here is the link to Dan's article:

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/traumaptsdblog/2015/10/05/establishing-boundaries-in-ptsd-recovery/

Boundaries are such an important part of healing. Dysfunctional families don't want boundaries, especially the abusers. When I was a child, I used walls to hide behind and to feel safe. The wall let no one in but it also kept me a prisoner inside. Boundaries are flexible. Walls are not. 
Patricia

Pain Caused By Regrets And Self-Doubts - Judging Ourselves

Please go and read the article "Memories and Regrets" from Beyond Survivor - The Wounded Warrior Blog written by my friend Jan L. Frayne at the following link:

http://whatislove-2010.blogspot.com/2015/08/memories-and-regrets.html

Come back here afterwards to read my thoughts about this post.

The Wounded Warrior expresses the pain and self-doubts that many survivors carry inside, hidden from the world most of the time. Voicing the pain of surviving through writing whether it is a blog like Beyond Survivor - The Wounded Warrior Blog or like here at Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker is important because giving voice to our pain frees other survivors to do the same.

Some survivors, like me, were alone with the abuser. Other survivors saw other children nearby also being abused. 

For years, I hoped and prayed that I was the only one that my dad was sexually abusing. Years later when I found out that he was abusing my sister by fondling and making sexual comments to, I was angry and felt guilty that I didn't protect her from him. I was the older sister. I loved my sister and I wanted her to be safe. She wasn't.

I can understand why Jan Frayne took on the blame for the abuse of the little boy that he saw being strangled. I, too, have said to myself, what if I had told?  Maybe my sister would have been saved from her experiences.

Looking back makes taking on the blame so easy for a survivor. We are looking back from a position of power as an adult. We didn't have that hindsight as a child.

As children, we didn't have any power. We couldn't protect ourselves or another child. No child should go through the abuse that we did. Yes, we were victims.

 I didn't have the courage to speak up as a child or even as a young adult. I wasn't able to overcome all of my fears in order to speak up. I could blame myself for my sister being abused or I can put the blame where it belongs, with my abusers. 

If we cannot prevent our own abuse from happening, how can we possibly save another child? We are not responsible for what our abusers did. That is just another form of victim blaming, even if it is ourselves we are blaming. Others do it to us often enough without us buying into it too. Stop victim blaming. 

Shift from feeling like a victim to offering love and comfort to your inner child. Feel what you feel and then let it go. You don't have to stay stuck in victim mode. Give your inner child more reasons to trust you. "Beyond" survivor doesn't mean you will never have to revisit being a survivor or a victim. Healing means going back and forth between the three as needed to heal. 

Memories come up because you are strong enough to face them. Dreams are all of the stuff that you are afraid to face in the waking world. Healing can take place in your dreams too. Keeping a dream journal can help you to figure out what your dreams are telling you. Memories and dreams are both part of healing.

Forgive yourself for what you couldn't control. Stop blaming yourself. Blaming yourself keeps you stuck in the hurt. You deserve better. 

Jan, be gentle with yourself as I have seen you be with other survivors. Beyond surviving - thriving - comes slowly but it does come. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Allow your friends to support you when you need us. You don't have to be strong alone. 

I copied a statement from one of my favorite teachers today that I want to share with you here.

"With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself, or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow, or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose."
                                         -Dr. Wayne Dyer
Patricia

Flap Copy---The Case Of The Three-Year-Old-Adulteress Book

As I begin to write my memoir, The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress, I am reading a book called writing & selling your memoir written by Paula Balzer. One of her first assignments is to write what she calls the flap copy which is a short description of what your book is about. Its purpose is to catch the attention of the reader so that they will buy the book. The flap copy is also important in marketing your book. Here is what I wrote. Know that this first copy may change or be deleted completely before the book is finished.


Why would any three-year-old call herself an adulteress? Memories are of incest and dysfunction. The effects of incest on a small child and an adult are many. Healing is possible. You are not alone. Breaking the silence of abuse is freeing. 

One out of three girls and one out of six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. Most know their abusers. Incest happens more frequently than rape from a stranger. 

What can you do to change those numbers? What are the signs of child sexual abuse? What can you do if you see the signs of abuse in a child that you know? How does a molester groom the parents and get the child to keep their secrets? These are some of the answers you will find in the book The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress.


Let me know if the flap copy caught your interest in the memoir that I am writing.  Thank you for staying with me during this process. 
Patricia

Five Ways To Leave Pain Behind

"In my world, nothing ever goes wrong." Wayne Dyer, author of Your Sacred Self, introduced me to this expression by Nisargadatta Maharaj. Your Sacred Self is my favorite of the Wayne Dyer series of books.

This book made such a tremendous impact on my spiritual journey that I have given it as gifts to several of my friends. Do you have any sayings such as this or any books that you have read that have impacted your life as this one has mine?

You will find these words, "In my world, nothing goes wrong." scattered throughout my house and written on poster paper and index cards. The use of this expression can enable you to look at the challenges in your life as lessons that you need to learn, rather than as things going wrong.

You will find a simple shift of your attitude can make big changes in how you see people and situations. A major shift happened for me when I started looking at the sexual abuse committed against me in this way.

Rather than continue to blame others which only keeps you struck in the pain of the abuse, if you look at the whole incident as a series of lessons, you will be able to release the pain and leave it in the past with the abuse. You may ask, "What lessons can be learned from being sexually abused as a child?"

Here are a few of the things that you might learn:

1.  You can become a survivor rather than a victim---just a small          shift in perception that makes a big difference in how you see 
     yourself. You can go from feeling helpless as a victim to being 
     a powerful voice against abuse. You can begin to see the value 
     that you have as a human being.

2.  You are courageous rather than being fearful of all people---
      again just a small shift that can allow you to trust and love 
      again. Trust can be a really big issue for a survivor of any
      kind of abuse. I had to learn to trust women. I was afraid of
      being judged harshly by women because the major women in
      my childhood were judgmental. When I was seven years old,
      my aunt told me that I was going to Hell because I was wearing
      shorts. I have been blessed that certain women came into my
      life as an adult and taught me that is was okay to trust. I now
      know that no child is going to Hell just because of what they 
      are wearing.

3.  You may find that you have developed strengths of character
      that you might not would have possessed without going
      through the abuse and the process of healing the abuse. You
      don't learn courage if you have never been afraid. You don't 
      know compassion unless you have been hurt. You don't know 
      strength unless you have been tested. You don't know victory
      unless you have faced adversity. You can't love until you have
      learned to love yourself.

4.  You may find, as I did, that you have faith in God and in 
      yourself that grows stronger each day because you stopped
      blaming God and yourself for the abuse. For years, I was angry 
      at God and hated myself. I didn't share who I really was with
      anyone because I was afraid that you would see how bad, how
      tainted I was. None of that is true today. You might find, as I
      did, that you can love yourself and that your love connects you 
      with and comes from the God within you. God, then, is no 
      longer some entity outside of you. We are one.

5.  I choose to see the sexual abuse as a blessing instead of a curse.
     This is a huge shift for me that would not have happened 
     without the first four smaller shifts of perception. You can, in
     the same way, turn your smaller shifts of perception into a huge
     shift that will affect your entire being.

All of these and so many more shifts can happen for you if you decide to apply these same words, "In my world, nothing ever goes wrong." to your own life. 

Lessons are good. They teach you about yourself. How you react to the challenges in your life gives you valuable lessons about yourself if you will take the time to look. 

Today I love my world (even on the days that I feel sad or angry) and I love me. You might ask, "How can you love your world on the days that you feel sad or angry?"

On those days, I know that I am present just because I do feel those things. You don't have to get struck in the feelings. You can look to see what it is that you need to see or hear or learn to make a difference in your life. This process will work for you if you are willing to face yourself.

This article was originally a guest post on the blog "The Next 45 Years". That blog which belonged to Alex Blackwell has since been closed. I wrote the post on February 29, 2008. 
Patricia

Forgiveness Can Be So Complicated For Incest Survivors

Forgiveness can be so complicated for incest survivors. Some ask how do you forgive someone who hurt you so bad when they were the ones who should have been protecting you from harm? How can you forgive the sense of betrayal by the person who holds the biggest place in your heart when your abuser is your parent or a sibling? How can you forgive yourself when you grew up being told, by your abusers, that the incest was your fault. If you hadn't seduced them, they wouldn't have molested you. If you had been a good little girl or good little boy, you wouldn't have deserved to be sexually abused. How do you forgive yourself when you feel only hate for yourself? 

All of those are questions that I asked myself and every survivor that I know has also asked themselves those same questions. I have also heard survivors say, "Why should I forgive those monsters that took my innocence and destroyed my childhood? Why should I forgive such evil people?" I used to believe that forgiving my abusers meant that I was saying what they did to me was okay. That is never what forgiveness says. I know some survivors who say that they will never forgive their abusers. I can understand that stand even though I chose a different way. When you pressure a survivor to forgive before they are ready, you are adding more suffering to the abuse. Please don't do that. 

For myself, I have forgiven my abusers and myself. Even if you choose to not forgive your abusers, you should forgive yourself and your inner child. You were a child. You were not at fault or to blame for the abuse. Again, you were a child.  You may ask, "What do I need to forgive myself for?" I have written a whole article about that self-forgiveness that I will post at the end of this article. One thing to forgive yourself for is believing the lies of your abuser. You didn't know they were lying and giving your their shame. You didn't know it was theirs and not yours to carry. Forgive yourself for being a child who couldn't protect yourself. Your abusers had physical and emotional power over you because you were a child. Learning to love yourself and letting go of the self-hatred are a very important step to forgiving yourself. You were a child. If you could have done things differently, you would have. You were not in control of your life. Your abusers were.

Before I could forgive my abusers, I had to figure out what I felt and who I was. For years, I turned forgiveness over to God and asked Him to deal with it until I could. I didn't wake up one morning and decided to forgive. Forgiveness was a gradual process over years of healing. Only in looking back did I realize that forgiveness had happened. Forgiveness isn't a one time decision. Each time that a new layer of issues come up, I choose to forgive again. 

For me, the choice to not forgive just means I am still holding on to some anger that I need to feel and work through before I can let go. Once I can let go of the anger, which only happens after working through my feelings, then I can forgive again. Holding on to the anger doesn't have any effect on my abusers but it can hurt me by raising my blood pressure and creating illnesses in my body and mind. When that happens, my abusers win again. I am not into letting my abusers win. They had control when I was a child. As a survivor/thriver, I am the person in control of my life and the quality of my life. 
Patricia

Related Posts:

Prelude To Forgiveness @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/prelude-to-forgiveness.html

Forgiveness Is For You, Not The Other Person @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/forgiveness-is-for-you-not-other-person.html

What Does Forgiveness Mean To Me @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/09/what-does-forgiveness-mean-to-me.html

Forgiveness, Done In Layers @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/forgiveness-done-in-layers.html

Forgiveness, Lies And Trust @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2013/08/forgiveness-lies-and-trust.html

Journey To Your Heart - Learning To Love Yourself After Abuse @  http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/08/journey-to-your-heart-learning-to-love.html

Healing Is About Love And Compassion @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/10/healing-is-about-love-and-compassion.html

You Deserve Your Own Love Guest Post @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/09/you-deserve-your-own-love-guest-post.html

Incest Survivors Ready To Heal

Today is Day #14 and the last day of the Start Your Book Challenge on ChallengeBug. Our challenge leader was Christine Kloser who calls herself "The Transformation Catalyst." Her website is http://www.ChristineKloser.com . 

My blog post "Transformation Through Writing" came from Day #1's challenge. I will add the link to it at the end of this post in case you haven't read it already. I have enjoyed and learned from this 14 day challenge. I am still working on some of the challenges that I didn't want to rush through. I enjoy the researching as much as the writing part of some of the challenges. 

On Day #2, I was asked, Who is your ideal reader? Here is my answer.

The ideal reader for The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress is an incest survivor who is beginning to acknowledge that she/he is a survivor. This survivor wants to finally let go of the denial that they thought would protect them from the pain of awareness and memories. She/He wants to heal but may not know where to start. Fears and maybe memories are starting to surface because she/he has cracked open that door in her/his mind. Once that door is open, she/he can't close it and pretend the door was never open. She/he stays stuck in the fear and the pain or she/he moves forward. My ideal reader is ready to move forward.

For ease of writing and because more girls are abused than boys, I am going to use "she" and "her" from here on out in my article. I am not excluding boys/men. One out of three girls are sexually abused and one out of six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. I am grateful that boys/men are finally joining the ranks of female survivors in speaking out and breaking the silence of incest/childhood sexual abuse. I know, personally, the challenges and fears they face to find and use their voices. 

My ideal reader has acknowledged that she is an incest survivor, at least in her own mind. She may or may not have told anyone else yet. She probably doesn't have any idea what step to take next. Fear, rage and hurt are battling for the top position in her mind. The survivor is feeling overwhelmed, if she even knows what she is feeling. Many times feelings aren't allowed. Feelings are denied, stuffed or hidden by addictions. She may be afraid of change and some part of her is resisting those first steps. Resistance has to be faced and overcome before healing happens. Sometimes, the survivor has to hurt enough before she is willing to move forward. My ideal reader is ready to move forward.

Once feelings start, grief isn't far behind. All survivors of incest have to grieve the loss of innocence and the loss of the childhood they didn't have. Most survivors have no idea what normal is. They have never seen healthy in their dysfunctional families. Incest is only allowed to happen in an atmosphere of dysfunction. Every family member plays their part in keeping the secrets of the dysfunctional family. 

The incest survivor is usually full of rage at her abusers but probably taking that rage out on herself and those closest to her. Depression becomes a constant companion. I have seen depression defined as anger turned inward. That definition feels right to me. Often what doctors call depression may be the deep, deep sadness of grief. Survivors have so many losses to work through and let go of. I don't believe just taking a pill solves those feelings of loss. As a survivor, she has to feel her way to healing.

What is my ideal reader seeking?

Release from the overwhelming sadness, fear and rage that is inside of her is one answer. She wants the hurt to stop. Feeling and growing are the only ways that I know of to do that healing. My book The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress will take her through my own journey of healing from incest.

What transformations do I want for my ideal reader? 

I want my ideal reader to be able to experience freedom from pain, rage and sadness. I want her to be able to work her way through all of those feelings and then release them. Joy and peace are attainable goals. Learning to love herself is an important part of the healing journey. Letting go of addictions and codependency are necessary to healing. In reading my story, she will be given healing tools to use in her own journey. She will learn to express feelings in healthy ways. She will recognize the lies of her abusers and see how they may still be affecting her life today as an adult. She will find her sense of self-worth and not rely on others to get her self-worth from. She will love herself first so that she has more to give to others. She will learn that some people don't belong in her life. Some people don't want her to change or to move on. Those people will either change themselves or they will move on. 

My ideal reader is someone who is tired of hurting and ready to heal no matter how much it hurts to begin with. She is ready to step into survivor mode, ready to move forward with courage, hope and commitment. As a survivor, she is ready to strip away all denial and ready to be extremely honest with herself. She is open to change and willing to look at the source of resistance that she may feel. 

Trust is something that she will have to learn---trust of herself first and then trust of others. Not everyone deserves her trust. She must learn to trust herself and that inner voice that guides her when she is willing to listen. Part of trusting herself means learning how to shut up that mean, critical inner voice that came from her abusers. I will teach her how to use affirmations to turn that inner voice to positive and away from being negative all of the time. 

Making friends with her inner child is a very important step in healing. The inner child is the one who carries and remembers all of her pain. The inner child is the one who is so full of fear and is afraid of moving forward. All the inner child knows is the pain and fear of incest and the words of her abusers. She has to gain the trust of her inner child. Together they will grow and learn to love each other. The inner child isn't the enemy. The abusers are.

Strength and courage are both needed to take one healing step after another. The rewards of being a survivor are worth going through all of the challenges she will face along the way to healing. Healing isn't an instant cure. 

I am not a doctor or a therapist. I, too, am a survivor of incest. Today I am a thriver and I know that my readers can all accomplish what I have. I encourage you all to take that first healing step and share your story with some caring person that you trust. 
Patricia

Related Posts:

Transformation Through Writing @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2015/08/transformation-through-writing.html 

Stages Of Loss And Grief For Incest Survivors @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2014/05/stages-of-loss-and-grief-for-incest.html

Journey To Your Heart - Learning To Love Yourself After Abuse @  http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/08/journey-to-your-heart-learning-to-love.html


Denial, FEAR's Companion And BFF @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/03/denial-fears-companion-and-bff.html

Inner Child Work And Feeling Safe @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2014/03/inner-child-work-and-feeling-safe.html

The Secret---Affirmations Change Your Life @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/08/secret-affirmations-change-your-life.html

Transformation Through Writing

What transformation do you want for yourself from writing your book? This is a question from a writer's challenge class that I am taking this week. I thought I would share with you why I am writing my book The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress.

I want to write my book to help others but also for my own healing and understanding of my journey through this life. I want the final transformation from survivor to thriver to happen because of my writing of The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress. I want others to see that healing from incest and dysfunction is possible. I know that if I can do it, then others can too. I am not the only one. I also want all survivors to know that they are not alone with their pain and their rage. The pain and the rage can be felt and healed. You won't die from the pain. You won't kill someone else, as my inner child always was afraid of, if you let out the rage. You are more likely to die from stuffing the feelings and denying them because of health issues like high blood pressure and heart disease. Feeling hurts but the act of feeling also frees you.

Transformation is change and change is healthy. Healing releases all of the hurt and makes room for love and joy. I want writing my  book to be cathartic in that I can release all negativity from my mind and my body.

Writing this book will be my victory over my abusers. They will no longer rule my life. My abusers won't control me any more. This book is breaking my silence in a major life-changing way. I win. My abusers lose.

My book will be a way to face any fears that my inner child may still carry inside. Together we will confront their lies. The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress will be the ultimate act of self-love for me. This book says, "This is who I am. I am proud of me. I love and respect myself."

This is my story and I am so much more than a story of incest. I am no longer a victim of incest. I am a survivor turned thriver. I will write the ending to my story in any way that I choose. I am in control of my words, thoughts and deeds. I will listen to my inner voice and know that I can trust it because it is me, my inner wisdom, my inner Divinity. It is that spark of Spirit that has always kept me alive and moving forward, one step at a time.

The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress is my story and in sharing my story, I hope to inspire others to have the courage to share their stories and to break their silence too. Together we are strong and can one day prevent other children from being molested. We will win. We will make the world a better place.

I have always known I would write my story. Telling my story is the one way that I know to take the evil that was done to me and make something good come from it. That is important to me more than anything else.
Patricia

Silent No More---Resistance To Speaking Out

Writing my book The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress is a new step toward being silent no more. Each such step, for me, has been met by resistance, most of it internal but some of it from others.

The internal resistance can come from my inner child who is still afraid of rejection when I tell. Resistance can come from the fear of being blamed as a victim. Resistance can also come from fear of being misunderstood by others. Some question why I was silent for so long. The adult me doesn't fear any of those things but the inner child does. 

Outer resistance can come from others who want to remain in denial about incest and its long-time effects upon the survivor and her/his loved ones. I say loved ones because the incest affects those close to us. Our feelings, attitudes and reactions can affect our spouses, children and friends who live with us before and during the healing process.

Incest didn't just hurt me. My years of denial---of trying to pretend that I wasn't angry and hurting---and my years of struggling to feel again and to heal hurt my family and friends too. They had to deal with me when I was scared and when I was raging in pain in the years before I learned to control my rage and to face my fears. 

I have bumped into and faced resistance at every step of my healing journey. Feelings for an incest survivor can be extremely painful. No one wants to feel the pain. Resistance to feeling is there. 

Resistance is part of speaking out and telling others about the incest. Resistance comes from fear of the unknown. What will happen the first time you tell someone. Will they believe you? Will they hate you for sharing your painful secret because their own painful secrets are in their face?  What will happen to your abuser when you speak out? Will speaking out destroy your family or make the members stronger? Resistance comes because you often don't know the answers and that is frightening all by itself.

Telling one or two people is different than telling a group of 12-Steppers in meetings filled with 10-30 people in the room. I met resistance when my friend Slade Roberson suggested that I write a blog about being an incest survivor. I have been meeting and talking to survivors through my writing my blog for 8 years now. My 8th year Anniversary for Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker was on June 1, 2015.  During that about 4 or 5 of those years, I have used Facebook and Twitter to meet other survivors. Men survivors came into the picture and started breaking their own silences. 

Society seems to sometimes want to stay in denial of how many of us are being affected on a daily basis by incest and sexual assault. Rarely are children sexually assaulted by strangers as society wants us to believe. Most sexual assault is in the form of incest from a family member or friend who has authority over the child. Even judges and the courts resist believing the damage that can be done to a child by an abuser that the child knows and sometimes loves. This is society resisting change. Often our justice system is sadly lacking when it comes to helping a child to heal and receive some justice against the abusers. Cover-ups are resistance to seeing the truth. 

Writing my book is another instance of me facing my own resistance. My book is a further step in going public with my story of abuse and healing. What are you resisting in your life today? 
Patricia

The Case Of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress As Book Title

The tentative title for my book is The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress. That could change as I actually write the book but that is my thought for right now.

Over the weekend, I printed out the blog posts from 2007 and 2008 that might be included in my book. Those two years of posts have been divided into possible chapters.

Possible chapters are:  Introduction, Incest Story, Feelings, Change---Acceptance, Loving Myself, Inner Child, 12-Step Healing, Dad, Mom, Forgiveness, Protecting Our Children and finally Resources. Those chapter titles could change as the story progresses but this helps me to organize my thoughts for now. 

Over the next few days, I will be printing out the blog posts from 2009-2015 to be considered in telling my story of healing from incest. In 2008, I wrote over 80 articles, more than any other year that I have been blogging. 

Health issues and just living my life in general has affected how many blog articles I have written each year, with 2015 being the slowest year of all. My health seems to be better finally with not as many headaches since a doctor gave me antibiotics for a rash that I had on my feet several months ago. That makes me suspect that my headaches were allergy related with my sinuses being infected. With the antibiotics the headaches are almost gone. I have a history of sinus infections and that was the first thing that my doctor checked but she said that sinus x-rays are not reliable. Whatever the reason, the headaches are almost completely gone over the past month which is a relief after having them almost daily for about two years. I don't miss the pain at all. 

I hope you all are having a great week. We have had Heat Advisories almost every day for the past several weeks. I am staying inside out of the heat as much as possible. 
Patricia

Related Posts:

The Case Of The Three-Year-Old Adultress
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/08/case-of-three-year-old-adultress.html

Three Year Old Adultress Revisited - Inner Child Letters Series - 1
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/05/three-year-old-adultress-revisited.html

Three Year Old Adultress Carries The Shame Of Incest - Inner Child Letters Series
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/06/three-year-old-adultress-carries-shame.html

Being An Advocate And Speaking Out Does Mean I Am Stuck In Victim Mode

Wow! June is almost over, half a year is almost gone. Where has 2014 gone? So much has been going on in my house and family lately. I intended to write more here but have just been too busy. Our daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren came to visit. Our son-in-law flew home earlier in the week but our daughter and grandchildren are here for several more weeks. Daniel has taken them hiking at our favorite camping place in Arkansas. Our daughter texted me not long ago to say they were finished with the hiking and were going swimming now. Thankfully, it is only cloudy there, not raining like it has been here off and on for the afternoon. I was supposed to go with them but woke up with a headache and slightly nauseous this morning so I went back to bed for awhile. I just asked if I should think about cooking Supper and was told no so I am here instead.

Recently a family member that I thought understood about my advocacy work and the meaning behind why I blog unfriended me on Facebook because of all of the articles that I post that were taking over her page. She told me that I seemed to be stuck in victim mode and wasn't living my life, that I was stuck in the past and life was passing me by. I was hurt that this person just doesn't understand and doesn't see the good that comes from my advocacy. 

I was angry for awhile too. Then I let go of it. I am sharing this because I know other survivors have been told to "Get over it; to let it go; to get on with their lives; to just stop talking about it." usually by well meaning people that are in denial of their own pain. It does a job on your self-worth when someone so misunderstands you and your mission, especially when it is someone that you thought understood. 

I want this person and others to know that I do have a life off of the computer. So do most survivors. I share my passion for stopping child abuse because it is important if we are going to save all of the children from being abused. I also share because I felt alone so much of my early years of healing. I want other survivors to know they are not alone. I want them to know that they too can have a great life after abuse and healing. Healing work is hard but not as hard as being abused. We need to raise children who don't need healing. As long as pedophiles and molesters are still hurting children, as long as survivors are still being silent about their abuse because they think they are the only ones, my work will not stop. 

Unfriend me if you want to on Facebook, some already have. That is your choice and I honor that choice. Honor my choice to not stop being an advocate for children and survivors. If you choose to be silent then you are part of the group that allows abuse of children to continue. Hide your eyes and close your ears, just don't expect me to.  Child sexual abuse happens in the silence and will continue to happen as long as we let it. I was a part of that silence for too many years before I knew I had a choice to break my silence and speak out. We all have choices. I hope yours protects a child from sexual abuse. We have to educate everyone. If you don't believe me, just look at the court systems who are releasing offenders back out onto the streets to hurt more children. 
Patricia

Father's Day And Incest

I know that Father's Day, and Mother's Day too, for that matter, can be hard days to get through if you were abused as a child by your parents. You just don't have the good feelings that you would have if your parents were good at their jobs. You can even envy your friends who had good parents. You can take it so far as to resent that your own kids have good parents. No one says feelings have to be rational. They aren't always. 

I decided a long time ago, before my dad died, that I could celebrate the fact that my husband Daniel is a good father to our two children. I could teach my children to honor their father in the way that I can't honor my dad who sexually abused me as a child. 

Daniel is a good dad. He has always played an active part in the lives of our children. He changed diapers and cleaned up messes as well as being there for the good parts of being a dad. I was more the disciplinarian but most moms are. Daniel played with the kids more and made us all laugh. He has always been there for our children and still is today with our children moving into their late 30's. I think he has always tried to be the dad that he didn't have as a child. Daniel's dad was 55 when he was born and health issues prevented him from doing the recreational things that Daniel made sure that he did with our two children when they were growing up. Daniel's dad died shortly after retirement when Daniel was still in high school.

Neither of our grown children have had a chance to wish their dad Happy Father's Day yet because he went to a reenactment this weekend in Mississippi. He will be home around early evening probably. I know he had a good time because he and I have talked briefly a few times since he left but not today. I don't know if he realizes that today is Father's Day. I didn't until sometime Friday afternoon. 

Happy Father's Day, Daniel and to any of my readers who are good dad's to your children.

As I came on Facebook today and also checked my emails, I read other blogger friends' articles about Father's Day and so I am sharing those links with you here. They all talk about the mixed emotions that survivors share about their parents and why Father's Day is difficult for them.
Patricia

Fathers Day! @
http://speak4change.com/blogging/fathers-day/ 

Father's Day - Lessons learned, Love lost, Life Reclaimed @
http://www.mskinnermusic/home/fathers-day-lessons-learned-love-lost-life-reclaimed/ 

When Dad Enables Mom in Emotionally Abusive Family Relationships @
http://emergingfrombroken.com/when-dad-enables-mom-in-emotionally-abusive-family-relationships/ 

Child Abuse And Painful Memories

"Promise me you'll always remember that you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
                          ---Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

Yes, that quote comes from a children's book and it is important for each of us to remember. Those of us who have been abused as children often don't see ourselves, our courage and our strength clearly, as others often see us.

INCEST SURVIVORS UNITED VOICES OF AMERICA on Facebook shared the following statistic. "Every 10 seconds a child is abused." Then they ask us to "STOP CHILD ABUSE."

When a child is abused, especially sexually abused, if they are like me, they have many bad childhood memories to work through and let go of as they heal. I recently ran across an article that I want to share with you about reducing the pain of bad memories. The article is written by Valerie Siebert. I am pleased to finally see more and more information and studies being done on the effects of child abuse. Here is the link to the article. I hope it helps you to let go of any bad memories that you may be holding on to.
Patricia

How to reduce the pain of a bad memory @
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/10777758/How-to-reduce-the-pain-of-a-bad-memory.html 

Men Can Be Raped And Be Victims Of Domestic Violence Too

Over the past five years I have been blessed to meet and become friends with a small number of male survivors online. More groups are beginning to be created to work with male survivors too. As we each come together and heal, the world becomes a better place. Our healing affects everyone that we come into contact with. As more of us, male and female, speak out about our abuse, the less others can continue to live in denial that child sexual abuse is still happening at alarming numbers around the world. Statistics show that almost as many little boys as little girls are sexually abused.

I remember how hard it was for me to break my own silence about the incest and the damage it was still causing in my life years after I left my abusive childhood home. For men, this is even harder to do because of what society expects from men. Men are supposed to be the strong ones and not be allowed tears of release that women are encouraged to cry. Men are men and supposed to be the aggressive ones, not women. Men aren't supposed to be victims of rape but guess what, sometimes they are. We need to change these stereo types. They aren't fair to men. We need to all be safe from sexual abuse as children and as adults.

As I run across more articles about male survivors and male abuse, I will be sharing them here to support my male friends who know what it means to be abused. I will do this to educate society just as I have done for female survivors and children ever since I started this blog seven years ago this month.

Here is a blog article about men and rape and a video from YouTube that makes you think a little differently about men being abused by women. Let me know what you think about both of them Please share this article and the two links with your family and friends as a way to educate them about male survivors. If you are one of those who think men can't be abused or men can't be raped, I hope these two links will change your mind.
Patricia

When Men Are Raped @
http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/04/male_rape_in_america_a_new_study_reveals_that_men_are_sexually_assaulted.html 

Reaction To Women Abusing Men In Public @
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRCS6GGhIRc 

Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker's 7th Anniversary As A Blog

"Don't spend your precious time asking 'Why isn't the world a better place?' It will only be time wasted. The question to ask is 'How can I make it better?' To that there is an answer."
                                     ---Leo Buscaglia

I haven't seen this quote before this last week when I printed it out as a reminder to myself to keep asking, "How can I make it better?" That was my thought behind starting this blog seven years ago on this day when I posted my first blog article. 

I knew that I wanted to make the world a better place for the next generational of children. I knew that I wanted to be an encourager of other survivors of incest. The past few years, I have added being an encourager of domestic abuse survivors and male survivors to that list as well. 

Seven years ago, the internet had quite a number of female incest and rape survivors speaking out. Over the past few years, more and more males are now speaking out and sharing their own sexual abuse stories. In the past year, I have met more domestic abuse survivors and have come to realize through their stories that I experienced domestic violence as a child in addition to the incest and growing up with an alcoholic. 

According to Blogger.com, my blog has had 244,734 pageviews of 435 posts that have been written and published since June 1, 2007. I wish to thank everyone who has ever come to my blog and read my articles. I hope you found hope and encouragement here. 

Blogger.com says I have 262 followers. Feedburner.google.com says I have 518 subscribers on this day. I thank my followers and subscribers for your loyalty to my blog. Some of you have reached out to me personally and have become my friends. Some of you I know through Facebook and Twitter in addition to your supportive comments on my blog. The number of followers and subscribers has been a steady growth since day 1 of this blog. I appreciate everyone of you. Thank you.

I look forward to another productive year of writing and getting to know more of you as you comment on my articles. I love people and people watching. Have a glorious Sunday on this first day of June 2014. Don't forget to ask yourself how you can make the world a better place.
Patricia

 

John Bradshaw Books And Healing Your Inner Child

Part of learning to love myself included connecting with my inner child. I needed to forgive her for not being able to protect herself when she was just a child. Giving the shame back to my abusers and listening to other survivors tell me that the incest was not my - her fault - helped me to accept that truth. John Bradshaw was one of the authors that helped me to let go of the lies and to connect with my inner child as well. Two of John Bradshaw's books that help me with this were:
1. Healing the Shame That Binds You
2. Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child

Another of John Bradshaw's books that helped me to see how dysfunctional my family was is called Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way Of Creating Solid Self-Esteem.

I wrote this article because I wanted to share the John Bradshaw books that helped me but also because I wanted to share the following article with you on steps to healing your inner child. A friend on Facebook shared it with me this week.

6 Steps to Help Heal Your Inner Child @
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/09/23/6-steps-to-help-heal-your-inner-child

I hope this will turn on your curiosity and you will want to read more of Mr. Bradshaw's writing.
Patricia

Blog Talk Radio And ISUVOA Guest Speaker Today

Sorry about the short notice but I am a guest speaker on Blog Talk Radio today for the ISUVOA Organization at 5:00 p.m. Eastern Time, 4:00 p.m. Central Time, 3:00 p.m. Mountain Time and 2:00 p.m. Pacific Time this afternoon, Sunday, May 25, 2014. I am their first guest and the show is 30 minutes long. There won't be a chat room open today but I hope you will come listen to the program. The show host will be Rachel Barret. We will both be meeting for the first time on the program as I share the story of incest and healing, my blog, my work and my mission. For those who are not familiar with ISUVOA the letters stand for  Incest Survivors United Voices of America.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/isuvoa-how/2014/05/26/patricia-caldwell-singleton-spiritual-journey-of-a-lightworker 
Patricia

Stages Of Loss And Grief For Incest Survivors.

Back in 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote her book called On Death and Dying. In that book she gives us the five stages of grief.
Denial and isolation
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Grief takes time to get through. Each person takes however long it takes to get through the grief. Some stay in denial longer, others get angry and stay stuck there for awhile before moving through to the other steps. However long it takes is individual to the person. You can go back and forth between the stages until you finally reach acceptance and the grief ends.

Grief isn't just about death. Each loss in your life brings grief also. With incest survivors, many losses happen because of the abuse. The earlier in childhood that the abuse starts, the more losses you have to deal with. If you don't grieve the losses, they pile up and add to the pain and to the length of time that it takes for you to heal.

As a child being abused, stuffing everything inside is the form of denial that is often used. The brain blocking memories is an extreme form of denial used in order to survive the pain of abuse. I know from certain clues that I have that I don't have access to some early memories. I have written about labeling myself an adulteress several times on this blog. 

As an adult, I used denial in order to try to have a "normal" "happy" life when I first left home and then the first years of being married. I told myself if I didn't think about the incest that I could pretend it didn't happen and it wasn't still affecting me if I didn't think about it. I did my best to convince myself of that and I hoped it was working for about 10 years as I grew more and more angry and unhappy. The denial came to a head one day when I heard myself screaming at my husband and telling him that I hated him and my life. A part of me was standing off watching and listening as I screamed those hurtful words at him. Thankfully that part of me stepped in and took control and knew that the person I hated was myself because I couldn't pretend and I couldn't make the pain and anger go away. That was in the 1970's and there were only 3 books on incest at the county library where we lived. They gave me a little bit of relief but not enough. Self-help books were becoming popular so I read everyone of them that the library had and worked hard on improving me as much as I could. I was blessed that my husband forgave me for those hurtful words that I threw at him that long ago day. 

Isolation played its part in keeping me stuck in the pain too. I felt totally alone in my pain. I always felt alone and different, even in a good marriage. I felt like no one would understand if they knew and I was afraid they would judge and blame me if they knew about the incest. I was married for 8 years before I told my husband because I was afraid he wouldn't love me if he knew. If I stayed isolated, then maybe no one would ever know. Of course isolation just added more to my pain also.

The next stage of anger really scared me. I knew that the anger inside of me had grown to rage. That is what happens when you stuff anger deep inside and don't deal with it. It grows. The only anger I saw in my childhood was my dad's rage and my mom's passive-aggressive behavior. When she was mad, she would get quiet and you knew something was wrong but you never knew what. She always denied that she was angry. The passive-aggressive anger was hurtful and crazy feeling because it was never acknowledged. The rage was scary because it might become dangerous and violent. I was afraid that my own rage would become violent too if I let it all out. 

I was angry that the denial didn't work. I was angry that I was abused by those who should have loved me and protected me. I was angry at myself for being a child and not being able to protect myself. I had to do some blaming in order to get though the anger. I don't recommend staying in the blaming stage because then you just stay stuck in the anger and you do need to move past the anger stage in order to heal.

Bargaining is that stage where you just wish it would all go away and you would do anything to make that happen. You have conversations with God and ask Him to take it away and you may even get angry at Him because He won't. Free will isn't free will if God takes away all of our hurts. It is our responsibility to work our way through the feelings, not God's responsibility to take it away. He loved me through it even when I was angry at Him.

Depression is the stage of feeling all of the deep sadness, shutting down the tears and feelings, and pushing them back inside. Louise Hay says depression is anger turned inward. I have grown to believe this for myself. I know from a very young age, I was full of sadness to the exclusion of all other feelings. I know I carried the deep sadness with me at least as young as 5 years old. It may have been there before that and I just don't remember. It seems like for most of my life, I felt that deep sadness. I didn't know where it came from or how to get rid of it. I hated to cry. I was taught as a child that tears just brought on more hurt from my parents. Have you ever had a parent tell you, "I'll give you something to cry about, if you don't stop that right now." Once I reached this stage of grieving, the tears started. I cried for a year at 12-Step meetings because I didn't want my family to see the tears. I didn't know how to explain them to myself, much less to them. At that point, I still felt that tears were a sign of weakness too. Today I know they are a sign of strength. I still don't like crying but I do it when I need to.

You can go back and forth between all of these stages of grieving until you finally reach the last stage of acceptance.  With acceptance comes relief. When you accept the losses then comes change when you let go of all of the pain caused by the losses. With acceptance the losses lose their power to hurt you any more and the abuser loses his power over you too. With acceptance, you take back your personal power and you move forward with your life. With letting go of the losses, you now have room in your life for laughter and peace to enter. 

Each time that an issue comes up, I find more losses to deal with and more grief to feel and go through these stages again. Today, I get though the grief in only a day or two or three, not weeks, months or years. Today I am aware of what it feels like to grieve. Today, I know that if I want to feel the joy, I also have to feel the grief when it comes. 

I am sharing the link that gave me the idea to write this post and to share my ideas on grief. Remember these are just my opinions and experiences with grief. Grief may be different for you. I do know that if you want to heal from incest, you have to allow yourself to grieve.

"The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief" @
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

Patricia

Origin Of Name: Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker

I have never explained to myself or anyone else where the name of my blog came from before today. That is because I didn't really get it before today. At the time that I started my blog in June 2007, I didn't understand the significance of the name. I felt guided by Spirit/God to name my blog Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker.  I listened to that guidance even though I didn't understand it, at the time. I have learned to follow spiritual guidance of that kind. It never fails me. God always knows better than I do. Today I got the significance of the name and will do my best to explain it to my readers.

All of my journey though healing from incest, and life in general, has been a spiritual journey, even when I wasn't aware of the spiritual side of it. My healing has taken me on a spiritual journey of reconnecting with myself and with God. I have learned to listen to His guidance through the wonderful mentors that He has guided me to through the years. When those mentors chose other paths that I didn't need to go down then I learned to turn inward and listen to my own inner teacher that God gives each of us because we are his precious children.

I learned that we are all Light Workers who shine our light for those survivors who come after us. Every time we share our healing stories, we are shining our light for others to see that healing is possible. 

I think the reason for making Light Worker into one word instead of two, which my computer considers correct, is because Lightworker is more complete, more whole. It is who I am. It is who you are. It is a new becoming for many of us. It certainly was for me. I am not sure that I fully understand that myself yet so I don't know if I am explaining it well. That part of me is still evolving and so is my understanding. 

I know that many more of us are sharing our stories and shining our lights for others than at any other time in history. I know that together we are stronger than alone. The journey started out with women leading the way to speaking out and breaking the silence of child sexual abuse. Now men are joining us in the fight to light the way for other survivors and to prevent more children from having to join the ranks of survivors who are hurting from what was done to them in their childhoods. When we are big enough and strong enough no one will be able to stop us. No more children have to be abused. We won't shut up until this happens. We are the generation that says no to child abuse.  Much more has to be done before it is stops but each day, I see more survivors - more Lightworkers - joining our march forward and shining their light. Soon the darkness will have no place to hide. We won't let it. 
Patricia

The Blessings Of Surviving Incest

"Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it."
                                             ---Buddha

I do believe this. I would never wish that another human being experience the abuse of incest that I went through and I know that without my own experiences, I would not be who I am today. I would not have the strength, courage or compassion that I have today. I would not have the ability to offer hope to other survivors. I would not have the wisdom of surviving that I have today. I would not have the stubbornness that refuses to give up even on the hardest of days.


"I Regret 
Nothing in my life
even if my past
was full of hurt,
I still look back & 
smile,
Because
It made me who i am 
today."
                         ---www.omtimes.com  as shared on Facebook

Here is my response to reading the above quote:

I love who I am today. Without the incest, I have no idea who I would be today. I have chosen to take the bad and turn it into sometime good - a me that I can be proud of - full of love and compassion for my fellow human beings. My strength comes from surviving what I experienced as a child. My courage comes from facing my fears and, believe me, they were many more than people looking at me today can see. My compassion for myself and for others comes from my past hurts. I don't want anyone else to hurt like I once did and for those who are hurting today, I can honestly say, "I know what that feels like." 

I expect honesty out of myself and anyone that I trust because as a child there were so many lies from the adults in my life. Once you have earned my trust, I trust you completely. If you betray that trust, I will walk away and not look back. 

Helping other survivors and sharing my story is the best way I know of to bring good out of the abuse.  Being able to help other survivors to heal brings meaning to my life. I have met some of the most amazing people because of becoming an advocate for children and other survivors. 

My world today is rich with friendships and family that I love. Many of those friendships are because of my advocacy work. I love you all. You inspire me to never give up and to keep taking the next step forward in whatever direction it takes me. I know that I am not alone. Neither are you.
Patricia