Looking Back at 2015 And Forward To 2016

Happy 2016. I hope you all had a great Christmas. Mine was the usual traveling to visit family in Louisiana for Christmas Eve and then to Texas on Christmas Day. We had joyful times and the stress of organizing and traveling. 

We had family visiting the weekend before Christmas, adding to the joy and the stress both, for me. I love having family visit, once they are here. I had a meltdown a few days before they got here and realized that my inner child was worried about being judged as a terrible housekeeper because my bedroom is still a mess from my papers and books which have gotten out of hand. I asked Daniel for a new bookshelf for Christmas. It is already up and mostly filled. 

My inner child still carries shame from my dad making her feel not good enough when the work she did was never good enough for him. My company doesn't care that my bedroom is a mess. I understand this intellectually. I know the shame is from my childhood where both of my parents expected me to do work that no one ever took the time to show me how to do. Almost everything I know how to do is self-taught. 

I also told Daniel that I was angry at Pamela for not being here to listen to me talk the feelings out so I wouldn't have a meltdown. She died in April 2015. The grief comes and goes. Sometimes it is sadness and tears. Other times, like the week before Christmas, I feel angry and cry. When I talked about the meltdown with Daniel, I could see that I was feeling shame from my inner child again. I am not sure how to heal this shame so that it stops coming up again. 

Looking back at the year of 2015 for this blog shows that I only wrote 19 blog articles which gave me a total of 459 articles since the first one on June 1, 2007. Some of the topics that I wrote about were grief and letting go; silent anger; grooming of parents and children; The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress book; resistance to writing; healing and transformation; forgiveness; our 43rd wedding anniversary; doubt and self-awareness. 

Daniel asked me a few days ago whether I had a good year in 2015. 2015 was a hard year, not bad, just full of lessons, illnesses, and the death of my best friend. Frustration and tears were a part of my year. Frustration with my own health issues kept me searching for answers that my doctor wasn't able to give me. After about two years of almost constant headaches and blurry vision, both improved dramatically after I took antibiotics for blisters on my feet. I saw four doctors before one of them finally treated the blisters so that they went away. The first doctor that I saw gave me an antibiotic because he thought I might have a staph infection in the blisters. About two weeks later, I realized that the headaches were gone. The blurry vision didn't leave until I got a new prescription for my glasses. I have astigmatism so when my eyes get tired, things get blurry but not all of the time like they were for two years. I saw three different eye doctors and none of them asked about my last prescription which I did get changed two weeks after getting it filled, with no improvement. 

2015 was a year of more frequent trips to Louisiana because of Daniel's mom's declining health. For two months, we had Daniel's middle brother and his mother both in nursing homes. Daniel's mom got to go home at Thanksgiving. His brother was supposed to but got a bad eye infection the week of Thanksgiving. He went home for a trial week at Christmas. We need to call again to see how the two of them are doing. Daniel's oldest brother has had his hands full with both of them in different nursing homes. Daniel's mom hated the one his brother was in. She wasn't happy with any of the places she stayed because they weren't home. She wanted us down there every week and it just wasn't possible. We live three hours away and Daniel is self-employed so he isn't always able to just pick up and go when the jobs are coming in. Did I mention that 2015 was a long year. When we got home from Christmas, I had a cough that has finally started to get a little better. Today I am nauseous again and have an ear ache so I know that I have fluid behind my ear drums again. Being allergic to so many antibiotics makes it necessary for me to treat as many of my illnesses as I can with other remedies such as garlic, golden seal and herbs for allergies. They work but they take longer than antibiotics. Daniel hates the smell of garlic and I have to be careful that it doesn't send my blood pressure too low. 

I know that 2016 is going to be a great year because I choose to look at my life and the world through an attitude of gratitude this year. I intend to focus more on my writing of The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress book in 2016. I let too many things slow me down in 2015. My health issues have made me more aware that our time on this Earth plane is limited. The death of my friend Pamela has also given me more awareness in that area. She was from May to December older than me. None of us know how much time we really have. I intend to use my time better this year and get my book written. 2016 is a nine year. Nine is the number of completion. Pamela taught me that. She knew a lot of numerology facts. I tend to forget most of what she taught me in that area. She loved numbers. They are not my thing. They just don't stay in my mind or memory long. What things do you want to complete this year?

I read a lot. I love books and knowledge. The internet just opens up more knowledge for me to find and love. One of the websites that I receive a newsletter from weekly is called mindbodygreen. A recent article that I really liked and am sharing here is "15 Lessons I Learned in 2015".  You will find the article are the following link:
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23107/15-life-lessons-i-learned-in-2015.html

Also from mindbodygreen, I read an article called "The Mindset Shift That Can Make Every Moment Miraculous". The link to this article is at http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23098/the-mindset-shift-that-can-make-every-moment-miraculous.html

I do believe in miracles. I see them everywhere because I look for them. Gratitude is an important part of my day. Have a glorious 2016.
Patricia

Five Ways To Leave Pain Behind

"In my world, nothing ever goes wrong." Wayne Dyer, author of Your Sacred Self, introduced me to this expression by Nisargadatta Maharaj. Your Sacred Self is my favorite of the Wayne Dyer series of books.

This book made such a tremendous impact on my spiritual journey that I have given it as gifts to several of my friends. Do you have any sayings such as this or any books that you have read that have impacted your life as this one has mine?

You will find these words, "In my world, nothing goes wrong." scattered throughout my house and written on poster paper and index cards. The use of this expression can enable you to look at the challenges in your life as lessons that you need to learn, rather than as things going wrong.

You will find a simple shift of your attitude can make big changes in how you see people and situations. A major shift happened for me when I started looking at the sexual abuse committed against me in this way.

Rather than continue to blame others which only keeps you struck in the pain of the abuse, if you look at the whole incident as a series of lessons, you will be able to release the pain and leave it in the past with the abuse. You may ask, "What lessons can be learned from being sexually abused as a child?"

Here are a few of the things that you might learn:

1.  You can become a survivor rather than a victim---just a small          shift in perception that makes a big difference in how you see 
     yourself. You can go from feeling helpless as a victim to being 
     a powerful voice against abuse. You can begin to see the value 
     that you have as a human being.

2.  You are courageous rather than being fearful of all people---
      again just a small shift that can allow you to trust and love 
      again. Trust can be a really big issue for a survivor of any
      kind of abuse. I had to learn to trust women. I was afraid of
      being judged harshly by women because the major women in
      my childhood were judgmental. When I was seven years old,
      my aunt told me that I was going to Hell because I was wearing
      shorts. I have been blessed that certain women came into my
      life as an adult and taught me that is was okay to trust. I now
      know that no child is going to Hell just because of what they 
      are wearing.

3.  You may find that you have developed strengths of character
      that you might not would have possessed without going
      through the abuse and the process of healing the abuse. You
      don't learn courage if you have never been afraid. You don't 
      know compassion unless you have been hurt. You don't know 
      strength unless you have been tested. You don't know victory
      unless you have faced adversity. You can't love until you have
      learned to love yourself.

4.  You may find, as I did, that you have faith in God and in 
      yourself that grows stronger each day because you stopped
      blaming God and yourself for the abuse. For years, I was angry 
      at God and hated myself. I didn't share who I really was with
      anyone because I was afraid that you would see how bad, how
      tainted I was. None of that is true today. You might find, as I
      did, that you can love yourself and that your love connects you 
      with and comes from the God within you. God, then, is no 
      longer some entity outside of you. We are one.

5.  I choose to see the sexual abuse as a blessing instead of a curse.
     This is a huge shift for me that would not have happened 
     without the first four smaller shifts of perception. You can, in
     the same way, turn your smaller shifts of perception into a huge
     shift that will affect your entire being.

All of these and so many more shifts can happen for you if you decide to apply these same words, "In my world, nothing ever goes wrong." to your own life. 

Lessons are good. They teach you about yourself. How you react to the challenges in your life gives you valuable lessons about yourself if you will take the time to look. 

Today I love my world (even on the days that I feel sad or angry) and I love me. You might ask, "How can you love your world on the days that you feel sad or angry?"

On those days, I know that I am present just because I do feel those things. You don't have to get struck in the feelings. You can look to see what it is that you need to see or hear or learn to make a difference in your life. This process will work for you if you are willing to face yourself.

This article was originally a guest post on the blog "The Next 45 Years". That blog which belonged to Alex Blackwell has since been closed. I wrote the post on February 29, 2008. 
Patricia

Forgiveness Can Be So Complicated For Incest Survivors

Forgiveness can be so complicated for incest survivors. Some ask how do you forgive someone who hurt you so bad when they were the ones who should have been protecting you from harm? How can you forgive the sense of betrayal by the person who holds the biggest place in your heart when your abuser is your parent or a sibling? How can you forgive yourself when you grew up being told, by your abusers, that the incest was your fault. If you hadn't seduced them, they wouldn't have molested you. If you had been a good little girl or good little boy, you wouldn't have deserved to be sexually abused. How do you forgive yourself when you feel only hate for yourself? 

All of those are questions that I asked myself and every survivor that I know has also asked themselves those same questions. I have also heard survivors say, "Why should I forgive those monsters that took my innocence and destroyed my childhood? Why should I forgive such evil people?" I used to believe that forgiving my abusers meant that I was saying what they did to me was okay. That is never what forgiveness says. I know some survivors who say that they will never forgive their abusers. I can understand that stand even though I chose a different way. When you pressure a survivor to forgive before they are ready, you are adding more suffering to the abuse. Please don't do that. 

For myself, I have forgiven my abusers and myself. Even if you choose to not forgive your abusers, you should forgive yourself and your inner child. You were a child. You were not at fault or to blame for the abuse. Again, you were a child.  You may ask, "What do I need to forgive myself for?" I have written a whole article about that self-forgiveness that I will post at the end of this article. One thing to forgive yourself for is believing the lies of your abuser. You didn't know they were lying and giving your their shame. You didn't know it was theirs and not yours to carry. Forgive yourself for being a child who couldn't protect yourself. Your abusers had physical and emotional power over you because you were a child. Learning to love yourself and letting go of the self-hatred are a very important step to forgiving yourself. You were a child. If you could have done things differently, you would have. You were not in control of your life. Your abusers were.

Before I could forgive my abusers, I had to figure out what I felt and who I was. For years, I turned forgiveness over to God and asked Him to deal with it until I could. I didn't wake up one morning and decided to forgive. Forgiveness was a gradual process over years of healing. Only in looking back did I realize that forgiveness had happened. Forgiveness isn't a one time decision. Each time that a new layer of issues come up, I choose to forgive again. 

For me, the choice to not forgive just means I am still holding on to some anger that I need to feel and work through before I can let go. Once I can let go of the anger, which only happens after working through my feelings, then I can forgive again. Holding on to the anger doesn't have any effect on my abusers but it can hurt me by raising my blood pressure and creating illnesses in my body and mind. When that happens, my abusers win again. I am not into letting my abusers win. They had control when I was a child. As a survivor/thriver, I am the person in control of my life and the quality of my life. 
Patricia

Related Posts:

Prelude To Forgiveness @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/prelude-to-forgiveness.html

Forgiveness Is For You, Not The Other Person @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/09/forgiveness-is-for-you-not-other-person.html

What Does Forgiveness Mean To Me @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/09/what-does-forgiveness-mean-to-me.html

Forgiveness, Done In Layers @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/forgiveness-done-in-layers.html

Forgiveness, Lies And Trust @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2013/08/forgiveness-lies-and-trust.html

Journey To Your Heart - Learning To Love Yourself After Abuse @  http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/08/journey-to-your-heart-learning-to-love.html

Healing Is About Love And Compassion @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/10/healing-is-about-love-and-compassion.html

You Deserve Your Own Love Guest Post @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/09/you-deserve-your-own-love-guest-post.html

Incest Survivors Ready To Heal

Today is Day #14 and the last day of the Start Your Book Challenge on ChallengeBug. Our challenge leader was Christine Kloser who calls herself "The Transformation Catalyst." Her website is http://www.ChristineKloser.com . 

My blog post "Transformation Through Writing" came from Day #1's challenge. I will add the link to it at the end of this post in case you haven't read it already. I have enjoyed and learned from this 14 day challenge. I am still working on some of the challenges that I didn't want to rush through. I enjoy the researching as much as the writing part of some of the challenges. 

On Day #2, I was asked, Who is your ideal reader? Here is my answer.

The ideal reader for The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress is an incest survivor who is beginning to acknowledge that she/he is a survivor. This survivor wants to finally let go of the denial that they thought would protect them from the pain of awareness and memories. She/He wants to heal but may not know where to start. Fears and maybe memories are starting to surface because she/he has cracked open that door in her/his mind. Once that door is open, she/he can't close it and pretend the door was never open. She/he stays stuck in the fear and the pain or she/he moves forward. My ideal reader is ready to move forward.

For ease of writing and because more girls are abused than boys, I am going to use "she" and "her" from here on out in my article. I am not excluding boys/men. One out of three girls are sexually abused and one out of six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. I am grateful that boys/men are finally joining the ranks of female survivors in speaking out and breaking the silence of incest/childhood sexual abuse. I know, personally, the challenges and fears they face to find and use their voices. 

My ideal reader has acknowledged that she is an incest survivor, at least in her own mind. She may or may not have told anyone else yet. She probably doesn't have any idea what step to take next. Fear, rage and hurt are battling for the top position in her mind. The survivor is feeling overwhelmed, if she even knows what she is feeling. Many times feelings aren't allowed. Feelings are denied, stuffed or hidden by addictions. She may be afraid of change and some part of her is resisting those first steps. Resistance has to be faced and overcome before healing happens. Sometimes, the survivor has to hurt enough before she is willing to move forward. My ideal reader is ready to move forward.

Once feelings start, grief isn't far behind. All survivors of incest have to grieve the loss of innocence and the loss of the childhood they didn't have. Most survivors have no idea what normal is. They have never seen healthy in their dysfunctional families. Incest is only allowed to happen in an atmosphere of dysfunction. Every family member plays their part in keeping the secrets of the dysfunctional family. 

The incest survivor is usually full of rage at her abusers but probably taking that rage out on herself and those closest to her. Depression becomes a constant companion. I have seen depression defined as anger turned inward. That definition feels right to me. Often what doctors call depression may be the deep, deep sadness of grief. Survivors have so many losses to work through and let go of. I don't believe just taking a pill solves those feelings of loss. As a survivor, she has to feel her way to healing.

What is my ideal reader seeking?

Release from the overwhelming sadness, fear and rage that is inside of her is one answer. She wants the hurt to stop. Feeling and growing are the only ways that I know of to do that healing. My book The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress will take her through my own journey of healing from incest.

What transformations do I want for my ideal reader? 

I want my ideal reader to be able to experience freedom from pain, rage and sadness. I want her to be able to work her way through all of those feelings and then release them. Joy and peace are attainable goals. Learning to love herself is an important part of the healing journey. Letting go of addictions and codependency are necessary to healing. In reading my story, she will be given healing tools to use in her own journey. She will learn to express feelings in healthy ways. She will recognize the lies of her abusers and see how they may still be affecting her life today as an adult. She will find her sense of self-worth and not rely on others to get her self-worth from. She will love herself first so that she has more to give to others. She will learn that some people don't belong in her life. Some people don't want her to change or to move on. Those people will either change themselves or they will move on. 

My ideal reader is someone who is tired of hurting and ready to heal no matter how much it hurts to begin with. She is ready to step into survivor mode, ready to move forward with courage, hope and commitment. As a survivor, she is ready to strip away all denial and ready to be extremely honest with herself. She is open to change and willing to look at the source of resistance that she may feel. 

Trust is something that she will have to learn---trust of herself first and then trust of others. Not everyone deserves her trust. She must learn to trust herself and that inner voice that guides her when she is willing to listen. Part of trusting herself means learning how to shut up that mean, critical inner voice that came from her abusers. I will teach her how to use affirmations to turn that inner voice to positive and away from being negative all of the time. 

Making friends with her inner child is a very important step in healing. The inner child is the one who carries and remembers all of her pain. The inner child is the one who is so full of fear and is afraid of moving forward. All the inner child knows is the pain and fear of incest and the words of her abusers. She has to gain the trust of her inner child. Together they will grow and learn to love each other. The inner child isn't the enemy. The abusers are.

Strength and courage are both needed to take one healing step after another. The rewards of being a survivor are worth going through all of the challenges she will face along the way to healing. Healing isn't an instant cure. 

I am not a doctor or a therapist. I, too, am a survivor of incest. Today I am a thriver and I know that my readers can all accomplish what I have. I encourage you all to take that first healing step and share your story with some caring person that you trust. 
Patricia

Related Posts:

Transformation Through Writing @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2015/08/transformation-through-writing.html 

Stages Of Loss And Grief For Incest Survivors @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2014/05/stages-of-loss-and-grief-for-incest.html

Journey To Your Heart - Learning To Love Yourself After Abuse @  http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/08/journey-to-your-heart-learning-to-love.html


Denial, FEAR's Companion And BFF @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/03/denial-fears-companion-and-bff.html

Inner Child Work And Feeling Safe @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2014/03/inner-child-work-and-feeling-safe.html

The Secret---Affirmations Change Your Life @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/08/secret-affirmations-change-your-life.html

Transformation Through Writing

What transformation do you want for yourself from writing your book? This is a question from a writer's challenge class that I am taking this week. I thought I would share with you why I am writing my book The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress.

I want to write my book to help others but also for my own healing and understanding of my journey through this life. I want the final transformation from survivor to thriver to happen because of my writing of The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress. I want others to see that healing from incest and dysfunction is possible. I know that if I can do it, then others can too. I am not the only one. I also want all survivors to know that they are not alone with their pain and their rage. The pain and the rage can be felt and healed. You won't die from the pain. You won't kill someone else, as my inner child always was afraid of, if you let out the rage. You are more likely to die from stuffing the feelings and denying them because of health issues like high blood pressure and heart disease. Feeling hurts but the act of feeling also frees you.

Transformation is change and change is healthy. Healing releases all of the hurt and makes room for love and joy. I want writing my  book to be cathartic in that I can release all negativity from my mind and my body.

Writing this book will be my victory over my abusers. They will no longer rule my life. My abusers won't control me any more. This book is breaking my silence in a major life-changing way. I win. My abusers lose.

My book will be a way to face any fears that my inner child may still carry inside. Together we will confront their lies. The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress will be the ultimate act of self-love for me. This book says, "This is who I am. I am proud of me. I love and respect myself."

This is my story and I am so much more than a story of incest. I am no longer a victim of incest. I am a survivor turned thriver. I will write the ending to my story in any way that I choose. I am in control of my words, thoughts and deeds. I will listen to my inner voice and know that I can trust it because it is me, my inner wisdom, my inner Divinity. It is that spark of Spirit that has always kept me alive and moving forward, one step at a time.

The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress is my story and in sharing my story, I hope to inspire others to have the courage to share their stories and to break their silence too. Together we are strong and can one day prevent other children from being molested. We will win. We will make the world a better place.

I have always known I would write my story. Telling my story is the one way that I know to take the evil that was done to me and make something good come from it. That is important to me more than anything else.
Patricia

Silent No More---Resistance To Speaking Out

Writing my book The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress is a new step toward being silent no more. Each such step, for me, has been met by resistance, most of it internal but some of it from others.

The internal resistance can come from my inner child who is still afraid of rejection when I tell. Resistance can come from the fear of being blamed as a victim. Resistance can also come from fear of being misunderstood by others. Some question why I was silent for so long. The adult me doesn't fear any of those things but the inner child does. 

Outer resistance can come from others who want to remain in denial about incest and its long-time effects upon the survivor and her/his loved ones. I say loved ones because the incest affects those close to us. Our feelings, attitudes and reactions can affect our spouses, children and friends who live with us before and during the healing process.

Incest didn't just hurt me. My years of denial---of trying to pretend that I wasn't angry and hurting---and my years of struggling to feel again and to heal hurt my family and friends too. They had to deal with me when I was scared and when I was raging in pain in the years before I learned to control my rage and to face my fears. 

I have bumped into and faced resistance at every step of my healing journey. Feelings for an incest survivor can be extremely painful. No one wants to feel the pain. Resistance to feeling is there. 

Resistance is part of speaking out and telling others about the incest. Resistance comes from fear of the unknown. What will happen the first time you tell someone. Will they believe you? Will they hate you for sharing your painful secret because their own painful secrets are in their face?  What will happen to your abuser when you speak out? Will speaking out destroy your family or make the members stronger? Resistance comes because you often don't know the answers and that is frightening all by itself.

Telling one or two people is different than telling a group of 12-Steppers in meetings filled with 10-30 people in the room. I met resistance when my friend Slade Roberson suggested that I write a blog about being an incest survivor. I have been meeting and talking to survivors through my writing my blog for 8 years now. My 8th year Anniversary for Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker was on June 1, 2015.  During that about 4 or 5 of those years, I have used Facebook and Twitter to meet other survivors. Men survivors came into the picture and started breaking their own silences. 

Society seems to sometimes want to stay in denial of how many of us are being affected on a daily basis by incest and sexual assault. Rarely are children sexually assaulted by strangers as society wants us to believe. Most sexual assault is in the form of incest from a family member or friend who has authority over the child. Even judges and the courts resist believing the damage that can be done to a child by an abuser that the child knows and sometimes loves. This is society resisting change. Often our justice system is sadly lacking when it comes to helping a child to heal and receive some justice against the abusers. Cover-ups are resistance to seeing the truth. 

Writing my book is another instance of me facing my own resistance. My book is a further step in going public with my story of abuse and healing. What are you resisting in your life today? 
Patricia

The Case Of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress As Book Title

The tentative title for my book is The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress. That could change as I actually write the book but that is my thought for right now.

Over the weekend, I printed out the blog posts from 2007 and 2008 that might be included in my book. Those two years of posts have been divided into possible chapters.

Possible chapters are:  Introduction, Incest Story, Feelings, Change---Acceptance, Loving Myself, Inner Child, 12-Step Healing, Dad, Mom, Forgiveness, Protecting Our Children and finally Resources. Those chapter titles could change as the story progresses but this helps me to organize my thoughts for now. 

Over the next few days, I will be printing out the blog posts from 2009-2015 to be considered in telling my story of healing from incest. In 2008, I wrote over 80 articles, more than any other year that I have been blogging. 

Health issues and just living my life in general has affected how many blog articles I have written each year, with 2015 being the slowest year of all. My health seems to be better finally with not as many headaches since a doctor gave me antibiotics for a rash that I had on my feet several months ago. That makes me suspect that my headaches were allergy related with my sinuses being infected. With the antibiotics the headaches are almost gone. I have a history of sinus infections and that was the first thing that my doctor checked but she said that sinus x-rays are not reliable. Whatever the reason, the headaches are almost completely gone over the past month which is a relief after having them almost daily for about two years. I don't miss the pain at all. 

I hope you all are having a great week. We have had Heat Advisories almost every day for the past several weeks. I am staying inside out of the heat as much as possible. 
Patricia

Related Posts:

The Case Of The Three-Year-Old Adultress
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/08/case-of-three-year-old-adultress.html

Three Year Old Adultress Revisited - Inner Child Letters Series - 1
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/05/three-year-old-adultress-revisited.html

Three Year Old Adultress Carries The Shame Of Incest - Inner Child Letters Series
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/06/three-year-old-adultress-carries-shame.html

Silent Anger---Triggers

I am reading Healing The Writer: A Personal Account of Overcoming PTSD, a book written by my friend Dan L. Hays. I will later write a book review when I finish reading the book. Today I want to write about an issue that came up for me and brought tears to my eyes. I have been questioning, as Dan has, why it has been hard for me to start writing my own book. As I was reading a page of Dan's book, what came to mind was my mother's face when she was angry and used silence to show it rather than voicing her anger.

I am usually quite vocal with my own anger. When I get silent, it is because I am thinking and figuring out what brought out my anger. I am also looking at what fear is behind my anger. Once I figure out what that fear is, I can voice it. For me, voicing my anger and fears is very important. If I can voice it, I can release it.

My mother's silent anger was never voiced and released. You knew when she was angry but if you asked her about it, you were wrong. She wasn't angry. It was all in your mind. Her anger never got voiced. You were made to look bad and nothing was ever resolved. 

My mother lived with my family and me when I started my healing from incest. When I started going to Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) meetings, my mom never asked why I was going to 2-4 meetings a week. She didn't know about the incest because I hadn't told her. She was silently angry at me for daring to reveal our family's secret of alcoholism. 

I didn't know about domestic violence and its effects back then. My mother wasn't beaten by my dad. The only time he ever hit her was before I was born. She got his gun and pulled the trigger. He never hit her again. My mom was a good shot. He could have died. The gun wasn't loaded but neither of them realized it until after she pulled the trigger. 

I grew up I with that story. Death was the threat behind my mom's silent anger. Don't make me mad or I might shoot you. I lived with that subconscious fear from sometime in my childhood.  How much has that influenced my decisions?

My parents were divorced and my mom was living with us. I was probably into my third year of healing when I asked my ACOA sponsor to help me face my mom and tell her about the incest. When I told her, I think she was shocked but she was also angry. She didn't say anything until I asked her if her brother had ever sexually abused her. Her angry comment was, "No, Papa would have killed him if he had." Then she went into her angry silence and went to her room. 

Our talk was never brought up again. I gave her a copy of My Dear Family Member letter. I also mailed a copy to both of my siblings 2 weeks before mailing copies to each of my dad's siblings. If you are interested in what I said to my siblings and to my dad's siblings about the incest, you will find a link at the end of this post that will take you to the letter.

Anger turned to silence hurts and never gets resolved. You know the anger is there. The angry person wins and you lose if you bring it up. I learned to disconnect from my mom in order to not be hurt by her silent anger or did I? 

Is that silent anger still affecting my life? Did it keep me from writing my book all this time? Today, I know my mom's anger can't hurt me, unless I let it. I refuse to let her anger control my actions and thoughts today. 

It is time to write my book about healing from incest. I started writing just this week. My husband has been telling me for awhile that I already have my book written within the pages of my blog. I ignored his words. Recently, a friend, Corinne Edwards told me the same thing. Her words got through my doubts and questioning where to start. Over last weekend, I sat down and printed out all of my blog posts and then started a list of possible chapters for my book. 

This is your official notice to my husband Daniel Singleton, my friend Slade Roberson who encouraged me to write a blog and this book and to my friend Corinne Edwards whose words finally got through to me, I am writing my book. Thank you all three and so many others of my friends who have encouraged my writing. Thank you Dan L. Hays for writing your books and being my friend whose story is so like my journey of healing from being an adult child of an alcoholic.
Patricia

Related Posts:

Dear Family Member - Notification About Incest Happening In Family
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/10/dear-family-member-notification-about.html

My Mom---The Silent Parent
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/02/my-mom-silent-parent.html

Birthdays And Valentine's Day
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2014/02/birthdays-and-valentines-day.html

Family Generational Patterns of Behavior
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/12/family-generational-patterns-of.html

Grief And Letting Go, Feeling What Is

When I wrote my last post here in July 2014, I had no idea it would be so long before I sat down to write again. It has been a difficult year between then and now, May 2015. I have had health issues, nothing life threatening, just energy zapping and time consuming. Often I have thought of something to share with my readers but always got distracted before I could sit down and get the words written here. This was a year of researching health issues, having all kinds of testing done to discover the source of my headaches which still hasn't happened, reading about thyroid issues and educating my doctor.

We have taken more trips than usual to Louisiana and to Texas to visit with family---surgeries, nursing homes and grocery shopping. Family is important. We live 3 and 5 hours away so the trips are a big deal now. As we have gotten older, the trips are harder to make and take longer to recover from than when we were younger. It takes me a week to get over being tired from our trips.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there who are reading this. I am blessed by our two children and their spouses and our 4 grandchildren.

On April 28, one of my best friends died after having two heart attacks the evening before. Her Memorial Service was on Saturday, May 2. The spouse of another dear friend died on April 29 and his funeral was on Monday, May 4. Just yesterday, I found out that a friend that I knew only on Facebook also died. I knew he was having some health issues. Some days I cry. Others I don't. Wednesday, May 6 was my best friend's 64th birthday. This Mother's Day will be without her presence. I grieve for myself and for her husband, children and grandchildren.

I hate grief and it is a natural part of life and of healing from childhood abuse. I hate grief and I am allowing it to ebb and flow through my days right now. I have coping tools that work for me today. I write. I talk to friends. I ask my husband to hold me while I cry. I let the tears flow when they come. I am strong at times and not so strong at others. The first few days after my friend died, I kept thinking of reasons to call her and talk, then I would remember that I couldn't. Yesterday, it only happened once.

Never take another person for granted and think they will be there to talk to tomorrow. None of us is promised a tomorrow. At 8:00 p.m. on Monday evening, April 27, my friend and I talked and agreed we would talk the next day when she wasn't so tired. At 9:30 p.m., she had the first of two heart attacks. I visited her at the hospital twice the next day while she was on life support. I held her hand. I told her to hang on that none of us were ready to let her go yet. An hour later, I told her that none of us would ever be ready to let her go but she needed to do what her soul needed her to do. At 5:30 p.m., April 28, my friend drew her last breath. I will always remember that day because it was the date that our son was due to be born on many years ago. Birth and death are both important parts of life, so intertwined, both parts of all of our journeys. If you love someone, tell them so, often. Let your actions show that you care. Let your words be kind. Love and take care of yourself too.
Patricia

Judge Determines That Victim Doesn't Look Like Victim

 Judge Christopher McFadden, a Georgia Court of Appeals judge has overturned a rape verdict because the Downs Syndrome victim didn't act like a victim and the rapist didn't act like he had just committed a violent crime. This is despite his semen found on the victim's sheets and a doctor testifying that she had been raped. The judge ordered a retrial.

I cannot believe the arrogance of this judge to think he knows how a rape victim is going to act, like there is a set way that all of us react. He would surely have called me a liar when I finally started talking about my incest rapes. How does a rape victim act?

What we feel often doesn't show on our faces or by our behavior. Many of us shut down our feelings just to survive. I know that there are differences in being raped violently by a stranger or on a date rape or by a relative who he hates you and takes all of his anger out on you when he rapes you. My rapes weren't violent but I don't know that I was any less frightened by the acts of my dad or my uncle. The if you tell threats were there with me every day. Fear was such a constant in my childhood that I tuned it out most of the time in order to carry on like normal. I wore a mask of shyness and quiet all of the time. My friends at school gave me a surrounding of love that I didn't feel at home.

I feel so sad for the young woman in this case. She will needlessly have to sit in the room with her rapist again because this judge thinks he knows how a rape victim is supposed to react. If I lived in Georgia, I might would have to go to court and protest this judge not doing his job of protecting the victim.  

Here is the link for this article about this case.
Patricia

Judge overturns rape verdict because the victim "didn't behave like a victim" @
http://www.salon.com/2014/03/06/judge_overturns_rape_verdict_because_the_victim_didnt_behave_like_a_victim/ 

Are You Happy Or Are You Just Settling?

Someone asked me this week if I was happy or if I was just settling for whatever came my way. After thinking for a little bit here is what I told her.

With my Advocacy work, I am doing what I believe in and that makes me happy. I think most of us tend to settle for what life gives us and waste a lot of time wishing for and searching for, but not finding, the "happily ever after ending of fairy tales. Life isn't a fairy tale.

You make your happiness with your attitude, your mind and your thoughts. Often, instead of looking at what you have and being grateful, you focus on what you don't have. Sometimes, you envy or become jealous of those who have what you want instead of going out and getting it for yourself. 

To make a dream come true takes action on your part, not just sitting around wishing. Be happy while you are searching.  Don't put off being happy for another day. Be happy today by being grateful for what you do have. Make the best out of whatever circumstances you find yourself in. Don't worry about anything. What does worrying accomplish? Nothing, it just brings you down.

Look for the gifts in your day. They are there. Appreciate and value them and yourself. Love yourself. Let go of any self-hate that you may be carrying around. Turn your life in the direction you need to go in. Then take that first step toward the future and your dreams.  (((Hugs)))
Patricia

Incest And Domestic Violence - Hanging On To That Glimmer Of Light In A World Of Darkness

I want to start this blog post out by sharing the words of one of my favorite spiritual writers - Dr. Wayne Dyer. These words came from his Facebook page. I find them so true for my healing journey.

"Holding in negative emotions such as grief and anger is exhausting. Naming them and releasing them regularly through writing, movement, tears, singing, or making sounds frees us up to live full, vibrant lives."

"Naming them and releasing them regularly through writing. . . " is one of the things that I do with my journals and with this blog. Writing and sharing my words, using my voice to give word to my grief, anger and hurt is how the majority of my healing has happened over the years.

I ran across an article on the internet this week that agrees with Dr. Dyer about the usefulness of writing down our feelings. The name of the article is "The Mental Health Benefits of Expressive Writing". The author of the article is Michael Craig Miller, M. D.  Here is the link to the article if you are interested in reading it.

http://www.intelihealth.com/print-article/the mental-health-benefits-of-expressive-writing?nid=79974&hd=Full

Another link I want to share with you is from the blog ECHOES WHISPER FROM THE SHADOWS written by a dear friend of mine. The article that I want you to read is called "CHASING AWAY THE DARKNESS".  The title of my article came from the words of this blog article. My friend is a survivor of domestic violence in her marriage. I am a survivor of domestic violence from my childhood home. The circumstances are different but the feelings of darkness that my friend describes are very well known to me and continued throughout my early years of marriage, not because I was being emotionally abused, I wasn't. For me, I was living in the denial of how my childhood of incest and emotional abuse was still affecting me in my day to day life. I held on to that denial so tightly because I wanted it to be true that I could be happy with my life. I didn't know that wouldn't happen until I worked through all my issues from the incest and felt all of those stuffed and denied feelings. I wanted the fairy tale ending of happy ever after. I carried the darkness of the incest deep inside of me and many times would feel overwhelmed but nobody else knew about the incest or how to help me, if I had asked. I was so busy being "happy" and trying to fix everyone else's problems because then you would love me and I could be happy.

I also know the "glimmer of light" that my friend talks about. I believe it is that touch of the Divine in each of us that gives us strength to keep going even when life seems impossible, that element that refuses to allow me to give up when I am almost too tired to keep going. I see that light. I always have from my early childhood when I suspect I was being abused, but don't have the memories as proof. As a child, I always had this tiny spark in me that would hang on to the little bit of sunshine that would come into the darkness and guide me forward. I could always find some small bit of joy even in the darkness. I think that is the part of me that has always seen the blessings in my adult life. I have always been able to see some good in my day. I have the strength to find some gift in the horror of my childhood. Here is the link to my friend's blog article.

http://echoesfromtheshadows.weebly.com/1/post/2014/03/chasing-away-the-darkness.html

While you are there, check out her poetry under the title Living With Demons and her photography also. I love both of them. My friend is not an incest survivor. There was no abuse in her childhood. I just wanted to make that clear for anyone who was wondering. She is one of the people, who by sharing her story of domestic violence in her marriage, helped me to realize that there was much domestic violence, in the form of emotional abuse, in my childhood. She shares her story of domestic violence from the view of an adult. Mine comes from watching the arguments and verbal abuse that my dad did in his rages, sometimes while under the influence of alcohol, but just as often, not. This is another example of how someone just telling their story has helped another survivor to see the truths in her own life, truths that were still in hiding. Thank you, Debbie.
Patricia

How Would You Describe Yourself?

I was asked to describe myself to a group recently and decided that I would share my thoughts here with you. I like and love who I am today. I had to work to let go of the negative thoughts of the past and to learn to give myself value. Here is how I see myself today.

I see myself as a strong, caring woman who has learned that it is okay to be vulnerable and to open my heart to others. I have a great sense of humor that has helped me through some hard times. I can laugh at myself and see that I am very human. I make mistakes and do my best to learn from them so I don't repeat them because life has a way of bringing back lessons over and over again until we learn them. I love people. I am an extrovert but also need my quiet time to think about what I am going through and what I am feeling. I am quite vocal on things that I care about. If something isn't important to me, I don't waste my time. I am long-winded with my words, especially my writing. Focus is sometimes hard for me because I can see that a path can go in a lot of different directions and I want to walk down all of them just for the experience. I have grown from a shy, scared little girl into a strong, outspoken woman that has been called names a number of times for my outspokenness and for refusing to let another person control me since I escaped my alcoholic, rageaholic dad's control. Today I am more in balance with who I am than I have ever been before and I very much like and love that person that I have become.

Well, here I go with my flaws. I am stubborn which can be good depending upon the situation. I have a temper and it can flair up quickly without warning because I still sometimes let my anger build too long before voicing it. I am better with this and I am still learning to just say I am angry rather than holding it in until I explode like a volcano. If you lie to me, I will shut you out of my heart so quickly and I won't tell you why. I was lied to as a child by most of the adults in my life. Trust isn't easy for me. Once I trust you, I am loyal to a fault. I am outspoken and some people, usually those who want to control me, don't like it. I won't be controlled by anyone else. When I get scared, I get controlling. Now, I see the controlling for the fear that it is and I work on correcting the issue and addressing the fear. When I get angry, I still have a tendency to yell at you, another one I am greatly improved and still working on. I am honest to a fault and sometimes I hurt the feelings of others unintentionally because of it. I don't beat myself up for any of these any more. I used to.

I learned a long time ago that if I wanted to heal from incest or anything else that I needed to take a long, honest look at myself so that look has to include the shadow parts of myself that I might not like. I do need to acknowledge them if I am being honest with myself. Then I can decide if I want to keep those straits or if I want to work to change those parts of myself.

How would you describe yourself? Be as honest as you can. It's okay if you don't want to share the answer here. Write it down for yourself.
Patricia

Inner Child Work And Feeling Safe

It seems that I am doing some inner child work lately. As I talked about in recent articles, my inner child does not feel safe right now. The only reason that I can come up with is writing my book has opened her up to all kinds of fears. Fear of being exposed to the world, on a bigger scale, as an incest survivor; breaking the bonds of silence in a new, bigger way; being vulnerable to so many strangers; being open to recalling new memories. All of it feels overwhelming to her. I can feel her fear and see her shaking.  I wonder if her fear is what is causing my headaches, in an effort to get me to stop writing but I am not going to do that. I can acknowledge her fears but I won't give in to them. If I gave into fear, I would never have left home when I did at 19. I would have never broken the silence of incest. I would never had told my dad that he wasn't safe to be in my life or around my children. I would never have written the first blog article or talked on the first radio program several years ago.

I see how far I have come today and I am proud of the courage that I have. I will keep facing my fears as they come up and I will assure my inner child that she is safe. I will pay attention to what her feelings tell me. And I will continue to write.

I have decided that something that might help is to go back and reread the book Recovery of Your Inner Child: The highly acclaimed method for liberating your inner self written by Lucia Capacchione, Ph. D., Published by Simon & Schuster, New York, NY: 1991.  This book taught me the importance of writing with my non-dominant hand in order to give my inner child a voice. I haven't done any of that kind of writing in many years. Maybe that will give me some answers to what is going on right now rather than me just guessing.

One thing that I learned is that the inner child is the keeper of my creativity. I realized recently that it was her fear that was blocking me from writing. When I faced that fear, the words started to flow again.

Another book that helped me with inner child work is an affirmations book that I have recently shared from, here in my blog. The book is called Affirmations For The Inner Child written by Rokelle Lerner. This book takes you throughout the year with an affirmation to be read for each day of the year.  I wanted to share the affirmation with you from March 3 on Safety.

"It is safe for my inner child to emerge.

The child within runs and hides when someone wants to come close. He lets himself be seen only for a short time, then gets frightened and runs away to hide again. He wants so much to be loved, to play, to experience the goodness of life. But life is too scary. Indeed, life has never been safe for him.

It is time to make life safe for my inner child and I have the power to create a safe haven. Safety brings freedom not only to accept and love myself but also to love others.

As I concentrate on making a safe haven for my inner child, I will be aware of my friends, old and new. I will choose friends who are emotionally healthy or moving on the journey toward wholeness. It is within the loving bonds of friendship that my inner child can come out and learn to feel safe."

Another friend of mine who is working with inner child issues is Mary Graziano. I want to share the link to one of her blog posts called "Memories Still Do Hurt."
 
http://nippercats.blogspot.com/2014/03/inner-child-is-hurting.html

I hope that all of you are having a good week. Keep telling yourself that Spring is just around the corner. I think most of us are tired of old man Winter.
Patricia

 

Sharing Our Stories And Healing From Incest - Does It Get Easier?

I am going to start this blog post with a quote from one of my favorite authors/guest speakers today in the world of healing resources.

"When you stand and share your story in an empowering way, your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else."
                           ----Iyanla Vanzant

A special online friend of mine, Debra Estep, shared this quote with me a few days ago with the words:

"Patricia ... To you, the one who stands out there sharing bringing 'healing' to others"

Debra's words brought such joy to my heart, as well as tears to my eyes, when I read them. Debra has been one of my supporters almost from the very beginning of my blog. She and I were introduced to each other through our mutual friend Slade Roberson who inspired me to start a blog in the first place. I appreciate the support of these two friends who have watched me struggle and grow comfortable here with sharing my story and reaching out to other survivors. Their encouragement is always appreciated. I love you both, my friends.

Someone asked me recently, "Does it get easier?"

Sharing our stories gets easier as you do it. Healing in itself gets easier with work and with time. And that said, each time a new issue comes up for me, I still feel some of the old pain but not with the intensity of in the beginning. An issue doesn't take the months to get through that it once did. Today an issue is usually worked through in a short amount of time. The new issue may take hours or even a few days to a week depending upon how much time and effort I put into working through it. The feelings around the issue and the issue itself don't take up my entire life like it did when I was just starting to heal.

Healing isn't about taking short cuts. I don't know of any easy ways to get rid of the pain. You have to go through the feelings, many of which were stuffed inside and numbed by this addiction or that one. Healing is the most painful thing you will probably ever do but you will find sunshine and a good life on the other side. Be patient and kind with yourself. Stop resisting your own pain. Quit resisting your own healing. You don't have to beat yourself up for not moving as fast as those inner voices say you have to. You can quiet those voices. Like your abusers, they are lying to you.

As you go through your day, look for the little things that you can be grateful for - the little wonders that pass through your day, the moments of silence when you can feel the presence of God in your life, the awesomeness of nature and how it helps to center you in the middle of some of the chaos that working on healing creates. Find the gift of a new awareness that you gained today as you let go of the lies. You will always find the gift at the end of the lesson if you take the time to look for them. Did you find a new piece of yourself today to add to the puzzle that is you? You won't see it if you move forward with your eyes closed. Be open to whatever experience comes your way today. You may see yourself as broken and you can always be mended. Mended is always stronger than the original.

In my experience, you have to go through the feelings in order to heal and that hurts most of the time. You have to feel the grief for all of the losses of the abused child that you were. You have the strength to get through it, just one day at a time. My anger was the first feeling that I became aware of. As I looked closer at the anger and rage, I found that they were both often just cover-ups for more hurt. The sadness that has been such a part of my being since I was a little girl was because of all of the hurt and the grief that she carried inside. As I learned to feel and learned to love myself, I was able to work through and then let go of much of that hurt and grief. The sadness lifted and joy returned. I say returned because children are naturally full of joy when they are born. If you don't believe me, just watch a baby laugh. See if you can touch that joy inside of yourself. It may be hidden beneath the hurt and sadness of the abuse. The joy is still there waiting for you to reach in and pull it out. Find something in your day to make you laugh. Think of something that you really like to do and do it.

Taking breaks from healing are absolutely necessary. The work of healing is hard. You can feel really overwhelmed at times. You can lose sight of the good things in your life. Start a hobby that you really like doing. Your inner child will love the opportunity to play. She/He will reward you with the joy that will come bubbling up unexpectedly when what you are doing connects with that well of creativity inside of you.

Sometimes you need to just sit and watch a child play. Watch a movie that you know will make you laugh and sometimes a movie that will make you cry, if that is what your heart needs at the moment. Tears are healing too. Go out for coffee with a friend. Take your pet for a walk. Get out in nature.

Then once you feel better, go back to the hard, but rewarding, work of healing you. Because you took a break, you will be better able to handle tomorrow and whatever issues the day brings to you. You are worth it. Some day, you won't hurt as much. You will get through today. One day at a time. Instead of looking at how much work you have left, look back at how far you have come. Be proud of yourself. Reward yourself for the small accomplishments you make. Take a moment to enjoy the sunshine in your life. The world isn't only clouds but you know what? Some of the most beautiful days I have ever seen were just full of clouds. Look at how the sun plays and creates such beauty out of the clouds. Clouds are much more interesting than just a clear, blue sky. So is your life.
Patricia

Boundaries, Detachment And Self-Worth

"I can be emotionally separate and still be caring.

I will not take on the anger, fear or moodiness of those around me today.

In my dysfunctional family, no one encouraged me to be a separate individual. When my parents were angry or depressed, I was made to feel it was my fault. I was expected to rescue them emotionally. Well, taking on the rescuer role didn't work in childhood and it hasn't worked in my adult life either. Because the source of others' unhappiness is inside them, nothing I can do will lift it from them. My detachment doesn't mean I don't care about their pain; it means that I know I cannot save them from their own moods.

I will honor my individuality today by refusing to take on the negative emotions of those around me."

From the book Affirmations For The Inner Child, written by Rokelle Lerner, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, Florida: 1990, 2010, From the page February 28 - Boundaries.


I wanted to share this with you because it describes my childhood so well and one of my roles in my dysfunctional family. I was the protector of my mother's feelings from the age of three when I remember assigning myself that role.

Family caretaker for everyone was another of my roles. Some good things came out of my caretaker role. I am a responsible adult who cares about people in my family, friends and about society in general. One of the not so good things that came out of that role was that I became a people pleaser and lost myself in the deal. I was so busy taking care of everyone else that I often felt overly tired, overwhelmed and angry. I wasn't allowed to have a childhood. I was too busy taking care of my family and their needs.

I became bossy as the oldest child with two younger siblings who were my responsibility. If they got into trouble, it was my fault. I should have kept them out of trouble.When I learned about detachment, I was able to let go of what wasn't my responsibility. I didn't have all of the answers for my siblings.

I knew how to fix everything and everybody. That was the illusion I tried to convince myself and everyone else was true because I had to earn your love. If I did enough you would love me. And I had to do everything perfectly so that no one could criticize me like both of my parents did when I was struggling to be a child with too much responsibility.

I am a terrible housekeeper today, partly because my inner child is in open rebellion about all the housework that I did as a child with nobody teaching me how to do any of it. The only thing I can tell you my mother taught me how to do in all those childhood years was when I was 11 years old, she taught me how to make biscuits. From then on making biscuits became my job in the evenings during the week and two times a day on weekends and in the Summer months until I left home at age 19. Everything else I learned how to do by experimenting with trial and error. I was told to do a chore without anyone taking the time to show me how except what I learned to do in Home Economics in school in the 7th, 8th, and 9th grades.

I also realized again this week, that I still feel some shame in this area when it comes to inviting people into my home. I just don't know how to change this. I know it shouldn't matter what other people think and still in this area I am afraid of being criticized. My housework was never good enough for my dad when I was a child. I would get called stupid and be told I was as slow as grandma or as slow as Christmas and generally made to not feel good enough. This may seem small to some people but it is still a big issue for me.

Along with shame over being a bad housekeeper, I feel fearful of having others in my home right now. I recently told my husband that may be because of the writing that I am doing right now - going deeper into more layers with my issues. I just don't want anyone here but me and Daniel. I guess with this writing, I feel exposed which doesn't make a lot of sense because I have been writing for this blog for over six years now. I need my space to be safe. With Daniel and I, I do feel safe.

I feel bad because an online friend is visiting my town this weekend. He is a guest speaker at one of the area churches. I haven't extended an invitation for him to stay with Daniel and I. I am going to see him at the church on Sunday. This will be the first time that we will meet face to face. He is someone that I have enjoyed knowing for almost the entire time I have been a blogger. I am not afraid of him. The fear is from deep inside of me. The shame is still there inside my inner child. I am not sure how to convince her to let go of it, if she can let go of it at this stage in my life. I am not giving up. Knowing me, I will probably give him a copy of this post to read since it explains my feelings pretty good. This is my issue, not his. I am not done working though it yet. I don't know if I ever will finish with this one. I won't give up on my inner child or on me. Thanks for reading and having patience with me.
Patricia

Unresolved Anger And Low Self-Esteem

I know February 26 has already come and gone but I wanted to share this affirmation from that day with you. The information reminds me of how I used to be before realizing that I had to feel my anger in order to heal. What I didn't know until much later was that, as the affirmation below says, anger that we stuff, deny and don't express can harm us. We think we are burying the anger deep inside of us but the feelings refuse to stay buried. Mine came out as rage when someone said or did something to set me off. Let me know what this affirmation says to you.

"February 26
Unresolved anger is often the hidden source of low self-esteem.
                                                               ---Bill Bartlow

What we don't see, we can't understand. What we don't understand, we can't influence. And when that blind spot relates to the source of our self-esteem, the results can be devastating.

Hurt that has been denied, mislabeled, or unrecognized still exists, no matter how long ago we were wounded. In fact, such hurt---that is the hard core of all anger---is all the more potent for not being recognized or for being called something else. The trouble with burying something alive is that it will devour us from the inside. Buried does not necessarily mean dead.

At the core of much low self-esteem is just such a hard knot of anger. Anger over the way we were treated as children, rights that were denied, kindnesses that should have been there for us but were not. Love, encouragement, support, perhaps even the basic safety that everyone has a right to---none of these were to be had. Buried, that collection of hurts turned into anger and seeped out sideways. Sometimes the seeping turns into a flood. Often it becomes simply a prevailing state of being---we are just always angry, always hostile, always operating with a short fuse. That doesn't make us very attractive people. To say the least, we're not fun to be with. And so the anger over our long-ago hurt generates loneliness and rejection even today. Lest our tomorrows be affected as well, let us own up to our buried anger.

Hidden anger can kill me. I must recognize it and address it."

From the book Believing In Myself: Daily Meditations for Healing and Building Self-Esteem written by Earnie Larsen & Carol Hegarty, A Fireside Book Published by Simon & Schuster: New York, NY. 1991.

Healing From Incest Vs. Being Stuck In The Past

To often a person who is not a survivor of child sexual abuse looks at a struggling survivor and thinks she/he is stuck in the past. They may even voice their judgments to the survivor and tell them to just get over it or just let it be, it is in the past. Unknown to the person looking on, there is a difference between being a victim still stuck in the past with no apparent way to get out of the pain and a survivor who is revisiting the past in order to heal and work their way through the feelings of the past. In order to heal, especially if you were like me and still in denial that the past was affecting me, you do have to visit the past, look at it really hard and bring awareness that you still hurt because of the past. You still grieve because of the past. All childhood abuse can still hurt badly when you are an adult until you are ready to face it and work through it. Talking about your issues from the past in order to heal from it can look, to an outsider, like you are stuck in the past, especially when you break the silence of abuse and the words flow out of you like water from a broken dam. I had held in the words of abuse from at least age three until I was 38. That is 35 years of words and feelings that had to get out in order to heal.

Some things can be healed fast and you no longer need to talk about them. Incest isn't one of those things that heals fast. The only time I was stuck in the past was when I was still denying it was hurting me. As long as a survivor is taking steps forward, they are healing. It is only when we stand still and refuse to move forward, when we refuse to heal and feel, that we become victims again. Some people do wallow in the attention that they get and refuse to move forward. They could be said to be stuck in the past.

Most survivors are working hard to move forward. Please don't label a survivor as stuck in the past just because you hear them talking over and over again about their abuse. Stop and listen and see if they are moving forward or standing still. Do they just want sympathy or do they want your support and maybe some validation because they are learning to validate themselves. Do they need your love while they are learning to love themselves. I talked for 10 years in 12-Step meetings and I was also writing and looking inward and learning to feel the hurt so that I could release it. Don't judge a person as stuck when you haven't been through their hurt and you haven't walked down their path with them. You have no idea what it feels like to be a survivor of incest unless you too are an incest survivor.

Now I want to talk to the survivors who are reading this article. When you get really really tired of going through the pain of healing, it is okay to take small breaks in your day and do something else that makes you feel good about being you. Do something that makes you laugh out loud. Listen to yourself. Doesn't that feel good. Ask someone for a hug. Talk to someone that you know will really listen and validate what you are feeling. That isn't everyone. Not everyone can be trusted with your vulnerability. Sharing your feelings is always good, as long as the person you share with is a safe person.

 See the hurting little girl or little boy inside of you and sit with them in your mind and ask them if they would like a hug. If it is the first time you have talked with your inner child, don't feel rejected if she/he says no. It takes time to win the trust of your inner child. If you are like I was, for so many years, you totally ignored her and her pain. You may have even blamed her for the pain. Keep trying and over time she/he will come and climb into you lap for a hug. Love yourself and your inner child through the hurt. Forgive yourself for blaming your inner child and ask for her/his forgiveness.

Sit down with the quiet inside of you and talk to God. Ask for his help and guidance. Ask for a sign that you are going the right way. Close your eyes and imagine God and your personal angels hugging you tight. Ask God for the strength that you need to get through the hard times. Don't forget to thank God for the good times when they come. None of us is really alone. You just have to remember to talk to God. He is always there.

Now that you are feeling better, get back to work. One day there won't be as much work to do. One day you will see that you are moving from survivor to thriver. I know if I can do it, so can you, my friend. I love you all. Now please love yourself as well.
Patricia

Dear Mama - Abandonment

Dear Mama,

The first time you abandoned me, I was only two years old and very sick. I now know that the doctor told you the my baby brother would die if he got the whooping cough from me. You probably thought your mother's was the safest place to leave me while you looked after the baby. He was more important than me to you. He always seemed to be your favorite. I don't remember, but at two years old, I must have cried for my mama and you weren't there. I was too young to understand. I grew to love my grandmother, maybe more than I loved you. She never left me when I needed her. 

You used to get upset, when as an adult, you heard me say that in many ways Grandma Howe became my mother. Even after I started to school, I was allowed to go spend the Summer with Grandma until I turned seven years old. After that I wasn't allowed to visit her except for holidays when the whole family of origin went to visit her. I missed her. So, a second time, abandonment became a part of my life because of Daddy's decision and yours to let him make it. My feelings never were important to either you or Daddy.

You never protected me from harm, as far as I can tell. When I was three years old, I made the decision to become your protector. I knew you didn't feel anything like those around you did. I decided to protect you so you wouldn't be hurt by others. 

No child should ever be put in the position of protecting their parents. I did that for both you and Daddy by keeping secrets. There was much that I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. It wasn't important that I was being hurt as long as I protected you. You were important. I was not. That is how you taught me abandonment again. You were emotionally unavailable for my entire childhood. That is a form of abandonment. 

Another form of abandonment in my life started when I chose you and your feelings over mine. I abandoned myself. In order to protect you, I had to abandon myself and put your feelings above my own hurts and feelings. You were important to my survival. With Daddy abusing me, I turned to you for love and care and you didn't do your part in protecting me. I couldn't tell you about the incest and protect your feelings too. I couldn't take the chance that you would blame me or shot Daddy and go to jail. Because of all of these fears, I kept silent.

Fear of abandonment is why for eight years, I didn't tell Daniel about the incest. I was afraid he would blame me, as I blamed myself and I feared he would leave. Fear of abandonment was my very first issue to address in healing from incest. So I guess it is appropriate to revisit abandonment with issues with  you too, Mama.

How does all of this writing make me feel? I am not sure what all of the feelings are right now. I can tell you that most of them are felt in my stomach and solar plexus as flutterings working their way to get out. I also cried earlier, not while writing this, but while reading someone else's story on Facebook. I carry tension in my stomach and across my shoulders and in my neck muscles. I started writing this series because of the headache that I have had for the past few months. With the help of a friend, I figured out that unresolved mother issues could be the source of my headaches. So the series of blog articles that I have labeled "Dear Mama" will be my attempt to work my way thru those issues starting from my earliest memories which is where this article starts at age two until no more issues come up for me.

You may ask why I have taken so long to write about my mother issues. Mother issues are tied into my self image. My mother was my role model of what it is like to be a woman myself. So looking at mother issues is looking deep inside myself at who I am too, as a woman. How much did who my mother was affect who I have become? Did she affect who I am at all? Hopefully along the way with this series, I will be able to answer those questions for myself.

Patricia

 

 Related Article:

FEAR, The Monster @

http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/03/fear-monster.html 

Resentment Doesn't Harm Anyone But You

Good afternoon. What a beautiful day it is outside. The sun is shining and the Autumn winds are blowing. Sometime about the wind has always made me feel joy and so alive. As a child, I loved to run in the wind. Of course, as a child, I loved to run any time I could. Walking was just too slow to get me where I wanted to go. I hope that you all are having a wonderful day of healing and growing. 

 

Over the past few days, I have looked inward to my inner self to deal with some of my own issues. Small ones but they still needed to be looked at so that I don't become resentful. Resentment doesn't harm anyone but me. The other person doesn't even know that is how I feel. Most of us don't share our feelings with those that we carry resentment toward. I am no different than you. 

 

In order not to hold on to the resentment, I need to look at where it is coming from and how can I let go of it. I do that by looking at the feelings that cause my resentment to come out. This time my resentment came about because of someone else's sense of superiority brought up my feelings of not being good enough and of not being listened to or not having my opinion being valued by the other person. 

 

I felt like I wasn't good enough and that my different opinion was not being valued twice this week so I needed to look at my own issues rather than getting angry at the other person and creating drama and getting drawn into an argument. I can't help that the other person believes he/she is superior to everyone else. That is his/her problem, not mine. I can only deal with the feelings that come up in me. I have come to know for myself that a person with a superiority complex also has a frightened little child inside but I can only deal with my own frightened inner child, not theirs. 

 

When I realized that my feelings came from the years of living with my emotionally abusive rageaholic dictator dad, I could let go of the resentment that had been building in me over the past few days. My value doesn't come from another person, especially someone else who believes he/she is superior to everyone else. I don't need to hold on to the resentment or even be angry with the other person. 

 

I can forgive myself for feeling less than good enough. I can know that my value is not dependent upon another person hearing my opinion or not. My self-worth comes from loving myself. I give me value, not another person. I hope my words help someone else who may be struggling with feelings of less than good enough today. You are always good enough. Anyone who brings up those feelings of less than in you isn't your friend. They don't deserve you or your time. 

 

You can all do your own work of healing when these kinds of issues come up for you. I am no different than you. We all hurt and we all can heal. Don't let another person's behavior send you into a tail spin of low self-worth. That is the objective of a person with a superiority complex. Don't play their mind games. You will never win and the sad thing is they think they do win but they don't. Superiority or inferiority complexes both keep you in the pain rather than helping you to heal. Resentment isn't your friend either. Let go of it. You deserve joy and peace.

Happy healing. Enjoy your day.

Patricia