Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Dear Mama - Abandonment

Dear Mama,

The first time you abandoned me, I was only two years old and very sick. I now know that the doctor told you the my baby brother would die if he got the whooping cough from me. You probably thought your mother's was the safest place to leave me while you looked after the baby. He was more important than me to you. He always seemed to be your favorite. I don't remember, but at two years old, I must have cried for my mama and you weren't there. I was too young to understand. I grew to love my grandmother, maybe more than I loved you. She never left me when I needed her. 

You used to get upset, when as an adult, you heard me say that in many ways Grandma Howe became my mother. Even after I started to school, I was allowed to go spend the Summer with Grandma until I turned seven years old. After that I wasn't allowed to visit her except for holidays when the whole family of origin went to visit her. I missed her. So, a second time, abandonment became a part of my life because of Daddy's decision and yours to let him make it. My feelings never were important to either you or Daddy.

You never protected me from harm, as far as I can tell. When I was three years old, I made the decision to become your protector. I knew you didn't feel anything like those around you did. I decided to protect you so you wouldn't be hurt by others. 

No child should ever be put in the position of protecting their parents. I did that for both you and Daddy by keeping secrets. There was much that I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. It wasn't important that I was being hurt as long as I protected you. You were important. I was not. That is how you taught me abandonment again. You were emotionally unavailable for my entire childhood. That is a form of abandonment. 

Another form of abandonment in my life started when I chose you and your feelings over mine. I abandoned myself. In order to protect you, I had to abandon myself and put your feelings above my own hurts and feelings. You were important to my survival. With Daddy abusing me, I turned to you for love and care and you didn't do your part in protecting me. I couldn't tell you about the incest and protect your feelings too. I couldn't take the chance that you would blame me or shot Daddy and go to jail. Because of all of these fears, I kept silent.

Fear of abandonment is why for eight years, I didn't tell Daniel about the incest. I was afraid he would blame me, as I blamed myself and I feared he would leave. Fear of abandonment was my very first issue to address in healing from incest. So I guess it is appropriate to revisit abandonment with issues with  you too, Mama.

How does all of this writing make me feel? I am not sure what all of the feelings are right now. I can tell you that most of them are felt in my stomach and solar plexus as flutterings working their way to get out. I also cried earlier, not while writing this, but while reading someone else's story on Facebook. I carry tension in my stomach and across my shoulders and in my neck muscles. I started writing this series because of the headache that I have had for the past few months. With the help of a friend, I figured out that unresolved mother issues could be the source of my headaches. So the series of blog articles that I have labeled "Dear Mama" will be my attempt to work my way thru those issues starting from my earliest memories which is where this article starts at age two until no more issues come up for me.

You may ask why I have taken so long to write about my mother issues. Mother issues are tied into my self image. My mother was my role model of what it is like to be a woman myself. So looking at mother issues is looking deep inside myself at who I am too, as a woman. How much did who my mother was affect who I have become? Did she affect who I am at all? Hopefully along the way with this series, I will be able to answer those questions for myself.
Patricia
 
 Related Article:

FEAR, The Monster @

10 comments:

auntiem4cabs said...

This was beautiful, if abandonment and abuse can be beautiful. If a life of pain and secrets could even be 'nice'. But your writing ... your writing is overwhelmingly filled with truth and emotion. I just found out recently that my two oldest nieces were sexually abused by their uncle. Neither my brother nor his wife were good parents and they divorced when the girls were 5 & 6. It breaks me to tell their story, and no one but me knows. I was sworn to secrecy and have honored that for years. It can be a death sentence as it is for my one neice who has 2 kids and a huge heroin addiction, or a stepping stone to get moving on your life, as her sister is a hard working woman with a college degree and a family she worships. She still hurts when the subject comes up, or her moms brother comes to holidays, but... your story, is beautiful.

Patricia Singleton said...

Auntiem4cabs, Thank you. My story is a story of healing and yes each victim can react differently to the abuse as your two nieces did. I assume you are keeping the secret at the request of your nieces. Breaking the silence of the incest by speaking about it to people that I trusted was how I started healing.

Pat said...

A sad story, Patricia. Hope there's a place to find comfort and peace so desperately needed especially with the holidays coming.

Also, I just wanted to let you know I nominated you for the "Semper Fidelis Award" at http://plaintalkandordinarywisdom.com/oh-boy-got-more-awards-for-which-to-give-thanks-and-share/.

Hope you'll consider it and will accept it.

Patricia Singleton said...

Pat, Thank you. You must think I am so ungrateful. I still haven't written about the last award you gave me. I do appreciate you and your support of me and of my blog, my friend.

Janis Hillard said...

I just wanted to say that I appreciate your blog very much. Your raw retelling of your story is heartbreaking yet powerful. Thank you for sharing it.

I too am a rape and incest survivor and I also have a blog. Please check it out at http://janishillard.blogspot.com.

I am in the beginnings of what I hope will be a successful project. It's called Edipus and its hopes is to create a dialogue with men to help with shattering sexism, oppression, and exploitation.

Thanks again for sharing your story. You are truly a survivor!

Warmly,
Janis
www.edipus.org

Be Brave. Be Edipus.

Patricia Singleton said...

Janis, Thank you for your kind words. I write the only way I know how to - from my heart and from my experiences. Hopefully I am helping other survivors along the way. That is my goal. We don't have to struggle alone with our journey or our healing. We can always offer love and support to those who are a little ways behind us in their journey. Thank you for sharing your blog and your website. I wish you well with both.

Jean Marie said...

Thank you for writing this "You were emotionally unavailable for my entire childhood. That is a form of abandonment." It helped me connect with that reality in my life.

Patricia Singleton said...

Jean Marie, You are very welcome. I am sorry that you too were emotionally abandoned and I am glad that my words helped you to connect with that knowledge. (((Hugs)))

Vanessa Luck said...

From one Lightworker to another, I have just discovered my spiritual purpose and journey in this life and was hoping you would be able to support me in achieving it and spreading the word for other who can also help. " Could u look to your heart and support this as well as share for others to support.

http://empoweralife.simplesite.com/

Love and light
Vanessaxxx

Patricia Singleton said...

Vanessa, do you have a foundation or an organization that you are working thru to help these children?