The first time you abandoned me, I was only two years old and very sick. I now know that the doctor told you the my baby brother would die if he got the whooping cough from me. You probably thought your mother's was the safest place to leave me while you looked after the baby. He was more important than me to you. He always seemed to be your favorite. I don't remember, but at two years old, I must have cried for my mama and you weren't there. I was too young to understand. I grew to love my grandmother, maybe more than I loved you. She never left me when I needed her.
You used to get upset, when as an adult, you heard me say that in many ways Grandma Howe became my mother. Even after I started to school, I was allowed to go spend the Summer with Grandma until I turned seven years old. After that I wasn't allowed to visit her except for holidays when the whole family of origin went to visit her. I missed her. So, a second time, abandonment became a part of my life because of Daddy's decision and yours to let him make it. My feelings never were important to either you or Daddy.
You never protected me from harm, as far as I can tell. When I was three years old, I made the decision to become your protector. I knew you didn't feel anything like those around you did. I decided to protect you so you wouldn't be hurt by others.
No child should ever be put in the position of protecting their parents. I did that for both you and Daddy by keeping secrets. There was much that I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. It wasn't important that I was being hurt as long as I protected you. You were important. I was not. That is how you taught me abandonment again. You were emotionally unavailable for my entire childhood. That is a form of abandonment.
Another form of abandonment in my life started when I chose you and your feelings over mine. I abandoned myself. In order to protect you, I had to abandon myself and put your feelings above my own hurts and feelings. You were important to my survival. With Daddy abusing me, I turned to you for love and care and you didn't do your part in protecting me. I couldn't tell you about the incest and protect your feelings too. I couldn't take the chance that you would blame me or shot Daddy and go to jail. Because of all of these fears, I kept silent.
Fear of abandonment is why for eight years, I didn't tell Daniel about the incest. I was afraid he would blame me, as I blamed myself and I feared he would leave. Fear of abandonment was my very first issue to address in healing from incest. So I guess it is appropriate to revisit abandonment with issues with you too, Mama.
How does all of this writing make me feel? I am not sure what all of the feelings are right now. I can tell you that most of them are felt in my stomach and solar plexus as flutterings working their way to get out. I also cried earlier, not while writing this, but while reading someone else's story on Facebook. I carry tension in my stomach and across my shoulders and in my neck muscles. I started writing this series because of the headache that I have had for the past few months. With the help of a friend, I figured out that unresolved mother issues could be the source of my headaches. So the series of blog articles that I have labeled "Dear Mama" will be my attempt to work my way thru those issues starting from my earliest memories which is where this article starts at age two until no more issues come up for me.
You may ask why I have taken so long to write about my mother issues. Mother issues are tied into my self image. My mother was my role model of what it is like to be a woman myself. So looking at mother issues is looking deep inside myself at who I am too, as a woman. How much did who my mother was affect who I have become? Did she affect who I am at all? Hopefully along the way with this series, I will be able to answer those questions for myself.
FEAR, The Monster @