My title comes from a discussion that I have been having with CK Reyes and Michelle Vandepas over at Divine Purpose Unleashed. The article is called "Who Else Wants To Use Their Pain to Live Their Divine Purpose?" Instead of writing a regular article here, I ask that you click on the following underlined link and read the article and the comments back and forth between the three of us---CK, Michelle and me.
The article is found at the following link:
http://divinepurposeunleashed.com/use-your-pain-live-your-purpose/
You can come back here and leave comments on the article at Divine Purpose Unleashed or come back here and leave comments about my comments. Check out the other articles written by CK and Michelle as well on their site.
Patricia
6 comments:
Thought I would leave my comment on both blogs.
This is an incredible discussion.
One thing that has helped me in dealing with abuse in my childhood is A Course In Miracles.
I came to realize -
The abuser does things not against us but because they feel it will make them feel better. Somehow.
An extreme example is -
Jeffrey Dahlmer killed all those boys (and ate them) because as some deep level, he thought it would make him feel better.
This is hard to swallow but a different viewpoint.
Patricia’s blog is a public service. Nobody talks about incest. And the worst part is that the child involved feels as though he or she caused it - provoked it - was not good enough. Otherwise, why would this have happened? Especially if it was abuse from an important person in our lives.
They go over and over in their minds - did I encourage this in some way? Did I act in a way that made my father - uncle - brother - whoever - feel I welcomed that kind of attention?
Or they think - is this supposed to happen? They look for clues from their friends to see if it is happening to them.
I don’t buy the idea that pain makes you a better person. Not abuse at least. I think it contributes to our continual choice of abusers over and over - because that is the model we have had.
I have chosen abusers my whole life. I think because if I could just make one of them love me, I would be redeemed.
Corinne, thank you for your praise and for adding your own experiences to the article.
Many of us do continue to seek out abusers in our adult life.
"I have chosen abusers my whole life. I think because if I could just make one of them love me, I would be redeemed."---I hope that this is no longer true for you.
For myself, I have discovered that as I learn to love myself more, then I don't attract abusers as often. Today, for the most part, I even recognise who is likely to be an abuser.
I agree with Corinne that the abuse is entirely about the abuser's needs. It has nothing to do with the child except that the abuser sees the child as weaker and more able to be manipulated. Manipulation is even easier when the child loves the abuser. That is true for adults as well.
I choose to look at incest as an uncurable illness. I do not believe that a child molester can ever be cured of the urge to abuse.
Again, thanks Corinne for adding to the article with your comment.
Pain is a great motivator, teacher and friend. The only thing is using it in the right way. I would prefer to have my own company. My job can become tedious and painful. I use this pain to help me work on my blog with more vigor to some day use it to launch my career.
Karl, I don't know if I want pain to be my friend and I do know what you mean when you say it. I would like to learn without the pain. Sometimes, I am so stubborn that pain is the only way that my body has to get my attention. I am working on changing that.
Thank you for being so honest in your thoughts. It takes courage to first recognise the abuse that you have suffered. As an Asian, I also recognise that what you have described is pretty typical of many traditional families.
I would like to think it possible to be healed from the pain and trauma of an abusive relationship. It is hard, I know. I acknowledge that one cannot deny the suffering that one has gone through. But the only way forward is to let go of the past. Holding on will be to hang on to negative baggage, that does us no good. It is good that you have allowed yourself to move on, to a big extent. As you correctly pointed out, not doing so can keep you stuck in a vicious cycle of bad relationships.
Thanks for sharing,
Evelyn
Evelyn, I believe that acknowledging that the abuse happened is the first step in recovery from abuse. Denial just keeps us in the abuse. Denial of our pain and our past is one of the things that keeps us stuck in the pattern of abuse and bad relationships.
For 10 years of my life, I denied to myself that the abuse was still affecting me. This denial did nothing to help. It just kept the caudron of emotions simmering below the surface waiting for a chance to overflow and hurt me and the people closest to me when the volcano of hurt and anger couldn't be held in any longer.
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