The Blessings Of Surviving Incest

"Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it."
                                             ---Buddha

I do believe this. I would never wish that another human being experience the abuse of incest that I went through and I know that without my own experiences, I would not be who I am today. I would not have the strength, courage or compassion that I have today. I would not have the ability to offer hope to other survivors. I would not have the wisdom of surviving that I have today. I would not have the stubbornness that refuses to give up even on the hardest of days.


"I Regret 
Nothing in my life
even if my past
was full of hurt,
I still look back & 
smile,
Because
It made me who i am 
today."
                         ---www.omtimes.com  as shared on Facebook

Here is my response to reading the above quote:

I love who I am today. Without the incest, I have no idea who I would be today. I have chosen to take the bad and turn it into sometime good - a me that I can be proud of - full of love and compassion for my fellow human beings. My strength comes from surviving what I experienced as a child. My courage comes from facing my fears and, believe me, they were many more than people looking at me today can see. My compassion for myself and for others comes from my past hurts. I don't want anyone else to hurt like I once did and for those who are hurting today, I can honestly say, "I know what that feels like." 

I expect honesty out of myself and anyone that I trust because as a child there were so many lies from the adults in my life. Once you have earned my trust, I trust you completely. If you betray that trust, I will walk away and not look back. 

Helping other survivors and sharing my story is the best way I know of to bring good out of the abuse.  Being able to help other survivors to heal brings meaning to my life. I have met some of the most amazing people because of becoming an advocate for children and other survivors. 

My world today is rich with friendships and family that I love. Many of those friendships are because of my advocacy work. I love you all. You inspire me to never give up and to keep taking the next step forward in whatever direction it takes me. I know that I am not alone. Neither are you.
Patricia

40 Years Married To The Same Man Is Commitment

My husband Daniel and I are celebrating our 40th Wedding Anniversary today. Forty years married to the same man is commitment, love, compromise, and honesty. Our marriage of that long has also been filled with anger, fear, struggles and sometimes denial of feelings.

Our marriage has seen good years and some bad years. The bad years were among the first 25 when I was either in denial or was angry and sometimes raging because of the lasting effects of incest upon me and my interactions with others.

The first ten years, I was trying to control everything because of my fear of being out of control or under someone else's control like my dad when the incest was happening. I didn't trust Daniel to be able to keep me safe. When I was 27, I hit bottom emotionally when I heard myself screaming at Daniel that I hated him and everything about my life. I heard myself screaming those hateful words and I knew they weren't true. The reality that I faced that day was that I hated myself - the abused and terrified little girl inside of me who thought if she could control everything and everyone then she would never be hurt again. I hated and blamed that little girl for the incest. I hated myself. Somewhere the wisdom came that said that Daniel had nothing to do with me being so unhappy, so angry and so bitter.

I knew that I had to change me if I had any chance of being happy. I still had no idea what healthy was. I knew that trying to change Daniel would not help the situation. In a marriage, or any kind of relationship, you cannot change the other person to make you happy. My happiness came from inside me, not from Daniel. Daniel could do nothing to make me happy.

I wish I could say that I woke up to everything that day but I didn't. I struggled with who I was and what was normal. I didn't know for many years to come that what was normal was rarely healthy. Instead I decided to work on myself which means that I read the three books on incest that the Tyler, Texas library had at the time. I also decided to not have any contact with my dad or his side of the family hoping that would bring me some peace. I was still in denial trying to be okay when I wasn't. Having no contact with my dad's family of origin lasted for ten years and stopped when I realized that they weren't my dad and they shouldn't be punished for what he did. I missed my aunts and uncles and grandmother being in my life.

As I searched for peace, I stuffed emotions until they would come spewing out with the force of a volcano in either tears late at night when no one but my husband could see or rage that hurt those closest to me, mostly Daniel. I couldn't control the feelings so the stuffing and exploding went on for years. Those were the bad years. I missed a lot because I was so focused on trying to not feel the pain of incest. Those years were filled with denial that the incest happened and was a part of my life even though I no longer lived at home with my dad. I didn't leave the incest behind just because my dad was out of my life. I couldn't wish it so no matter how much I tried. Denial just builds more hurt on top of the original.

Wow! I didn't know that I was going to tell you all of that. I don't want you to think that all of our 40 years were bad because they weren't. Daniel and I have had good years too. In the 1970's we moved from Shreveport, Louisiana to Asheville, North Carolina when our son was born and where we spent every Sunday driving through the Smokey and Blue Ridge Mountains and absorbing the beauty of God's creation. Daniel and I moved to Asheville when he got a job there in 1973. The three years that we spent in Asheville allowed us to learn to depend upon each other without any family members living nearby. We left Asheville to move back to Louisiana when I was pregnant with our daughter.

The three years we spent in North Carolina strengthened our friendship with each other. I don't believe we would have been married for 40 years if not for our friendship. Marriage, to me, is about liking as well as loving someone else. My husband taught me that someone could love me. Before I met Daniel I didn't think I would ever find someone to love or someone who would love me back. He taught me that I was lovable.

Believe me when I tell you that Daniel taught me all about love over the years. He stayed during the worst of times before and after I started healing from incest. With the healing came a time of great confusion where I had to find out who I was. I had to learn to love myself. In learning to love myself, I was able to give a much greater love to my husband and children. Since our 25th Anniversary, more love, laughter and joy has come into my life. Daniel is responsible for a lot of the changes that I have made. He didn't make the changes, I did, but he is part of the reason that I wanted to make the changes. I wanted the pain to stop but I also wanted to be a better wife and mother for Daniel and our children.

Happy 40th Anniversary my love of my life, Daniel.  You mean more to me that I can express. You are a big part of the reason that I am the person that I am today. I love you with all of my heart. You are my Sweetheart.  You taught me to laugh. You showed me that it is okay to cry. You helped me to build a safe place for me to live in our home and in my own body. Thank you.

I am surprised to see how long this post has become. I hope it makes some sense to you. Let me know what you think.
Patricia

An Attitude Of Gratitude Changes The Way You Feel

This week a friend of mine asked me to be her Gratitude Buddy for the week.  That means that each day we send each other through an email, a list of three things that we are grateful for each day.  I immediately accepted her request to be her Gratitude Buddy. I challenge each of you who reads this to find your own Gratitude Buddy for the week.  You might want to even extend the time for a month or more if you think that you feel better by starting your day with thinking about what you are grateful for.

Here are some of the things that I expressed gratitude for over the past few days:

1. I am grateful for my friendships. They enrich my life.
2. I am grateful to be at a place in my life where I can look at my expectations and let go of them when other people are involved.
3. I am grateful for the best friend that I have in my husband.
4. Today I am grateful for the warmth of the beautiful sunshine outside my window as I sit and type on my computer. The sunshine always cheers me, especially in the cold Winter months.
5. I am grateful for the people in my life who teach me lessons about myself.
6. I am grateful to my guardian angels who protect me and to my guides who do their work even when I get so busy that I forget to ask for their guidance. I ask for a most benevolent outcome for this day.

Feel free to share a few things that you are grateful for here in the comment section of my blog and then go find yourself a Gratitude Buddy to share with.
Merry Christmas to all of my Christian friends here on Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker.
Patricia

Thanks Giving

Whether or not, you live in the U. S. which is celebrating its national holiday of Thanksgiving today, the Fall which is harvest time is a great time of the year to think about what you are grateful for in your life.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are the two times of the year that I usually spend more time with family. Thanksgiving I spend with my inherited family---my inlaws. I love everyone of them and appreciate that they accepted me into their lives 37 years ago when I married into their family. I especially love and like my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law who I have so much in common with. They bless my life with their love and friendship.

This week I am giving thanks for the many friendships that have blessed my life. Some of those friendships are very old and some are very new. Some are online. The computer has opened up my world to an incredible degree. I have many things to be grateful for in my life. Remembering those people and situations makes my life more joyful. How you choose to live your life really begins with your attitude.

No matter where you live, make sure that you go through today with an attitude of gratitude. Have a glorious day of Thanks Giving. You life will be better for it. Thank you for being a part of my life.
Patricia

Intimidating, Wanting To Be Right

Itimidating, wanting to be right---do I come across that way to you?

If I do, I apologize. That is not my intent with this blog or the many comments that I leave on the blogs of others.

I had a conversation with a friend recently and she told me that I end most of my conversations with her with the word "So." She says that she believes that I do it subconsciously. I do it so often. I asked her to say something about it when I do it. She is right. I do it without thinking about it. I even caught myself starting to say "S0." at the end of my next statement to her.

Here are my thoughts on the topic:

I can use the word "So?" as a question to get you to voice your opinion.

I can use the word "S0." followed by a blank space to give me a moment to think of the next word or statement that I want to say but lost in my train of thought. I have a lot of senior moments where I lose my whole train of thoughts. I have a mind full of thoughts that I want to share so they get jumbled sometimes because I can't say them fast enough, especially when I am excited about something.

I can use the word "So." hoping to stimulate your own thought processes on the topic.

I also use the word "So." hoping to gently help my friend come out of her comfort zone and grow with me. Maybe that is wrong. I just like her company on my path. Maybe that is a part of controlling that I still need to stop doing. Relationships can be so confusing sometimes, maybe most of the time.

I have struggled with the ego part of me that wants to be right all of the time. I may still be slipping back into that as my friend thinks I am. I don't consciously say, "I am going here. I am right. You are wrong." Sometimes I do still act without thinking about it. I need to pay more attention to my thoughts and my motives.

Most of the time I choose to see our viewpoints as being different, no less right or wrong than the other person. I don't have to convince the other person that they are right and I am wrong. How dull would we all be if we thought the same way about everything? Differences are stimulating in a person and in a conversation.

I don't have to change you and you don't have to change me.

The above is an example of how my thought processes work. I can see that we both can be right in our assessment of my use of the word "SO." I can see where we can both be wrong in our assessment of our conversations.

I don't know what you think of this as subject matter for an article unless you leave a comment and tell me. All of the above was in my head and needed to get out. Thanks for listening.
Patricia

Kindness---Why Is It Easier To Be Kind To Strangers?

I have been thinking about kindness this week. I realized that I need to work on being kinder to those closest to me---my husband, my kids, my brother, my sister, my friends. I spent a year practicing being kinder and softer in my outlook on life a few years ago and became a better person for it. It is time to do that again in 2009.

My dictionary says, "kindness n. 1 The quality of being kind; good will. 2 A kind act; a favor. 3 A kindly feeling."

"kind adj. 1 Friendly and helpful: a kind act. 2 Gentle: kind to children. 3 Characterized by friendliness and gentleness: a kind remark. ---Syn. 1. charitable, generous, good, good-hearted. 2 humane, kindly."

Why is it easier to be kind to a stranger than it is to those you love? I think it is because you have more of yourself invested in those you love. A stranger enters your life for just a few minutes and then is gone. You don't always see the change that your act of kindness brought about in the other person. You just know that you felt good for giving that other person a smile, or for taking the time to open a door and letting the other person enter first, or for letting another person go before you in the line at the pharmacy or for giving money to your favorite charity. All of those are acts of kindness that you perform for the benefit of strangers.

Because you have invested your time, your money, your love into those closest to you, you are more afraid of being rejected or disappointed or maybe even ignored and taken for granted if you do those same small things for the people closest to you. Instead of being fearful, remember the advantages of being kind to those closest to you.

When you are kind to others, they are usually kind to you as well. When you are kind to others, you get to see their pleasure caused by your act of kindness. I am not saying be kind to others because of what you will get back. The getting back is just a nice side effect of your actions. Even if the other person doesn't response to your kindness, you still know that you did something good for someone else. I know that these apply to strangers as well as those you are closest to.

In my own way, I am saying that the added benefit to being kind to those closest to you is that you get to see the happiness that you have contributed to in another person that you care about and love. That always makes me happier.

Being kind to others is a great way to express your gratitude for that person being in your life. Expressing your gratitude to that person is in itself an act of kindness. Anything that you do that helps another person feel better about themselves can be an act of kindness.

My act of kindness for you, my reader, is to finish this article before you catch on that I am beginning to ramble. Have a glorious day. It is cold here but the sun is shining brightly so I am having a glorious day of sunshine.
Patricia

Gratitude---No New Year's Resolutions For Me

My friend Slade Roberson wrote an article on his blog Shift Your Spirits called "Stuck on Outcomes." Slade tells us about how his ego took over his life for a short time recently with a list of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" items and how it affected him.

To use some of Slade's own words, "The Naggot (which is the personification of my ego) got a hold of the microphone some time in the wee hours of the day after Christmas and I woke up already listening to some Shoulda Coulda Woulda Telethon, broadcast live on the Ungrateful Channel, right from my own Special Place In Hell."

Don't you just love Slade's wonderful sense of humor. I know it is part of the reason that I continue to be drawn to him and his blog Shift Your Spirits.

When in his article Slade started talking about how he doesn't do New Year's Resolutions, he really caught my attention. I used to make half-hearted attempts at writing resolutions each year just to beat myself up because I could never follow through and stay focused long enough to do them. I always wondered why I couldn't stick with them. Read Slade's article to see why he says he is a Scanner. I am not sure that I understand the concept fully. Maybe Slade can explain the concept here in a comment?

One thing Slade asked his readers to do was a 2008 Gratitude List. Here is my version of that list. I hope you will take the time to write your own.

2008 Gratitude List:
1. I am grateful for my on-line friends such as Slade Roberson, Corinne Edwards, Stephen Hopson, and so many more who have lead the way for me this year with their shared words of wisdom and their sense of humor.

2. I am grateful for my family and friends who I love very much. Our family and friends are often our greatest teachers because they know us so well and therefore they know which buttons to push to bring up whatever issues we may need to work on.

3. I am grateful for the guidance of my Spirit Guides and Guardian Angels and Ascended Masters. In 2009, I choose to become a better listener.

4. I am grateful for the bad stuff that happens in my life. Why? Because they bring the gift of knowledge and growth to my life. Everything has a purpose for happening and being.

5. I am grateful for my sense of humor which can lighten any heavy load. Laughing at myself is sometimes the best medicine that I can give to myself. No one puts me on a higher pedestal than I sometimes put myself.

6. I am grateful for the people that I meet who are wonderful examples of "what I want to be when I grow up." I may grow up but I don't ever want to grow old and set in my ways.

7. I am grateful for all of those people who have taught me about courage and love. Most of these people I have never met in person. Do you ever wonder how many people are affected by your actions and attitudes? I do.

8. I am grateful to God for all of the talents that I have been gifted with in this lifetime. In 2009, I want to find new ways to use those talents to help others.

9. I am grateful for every minute of Life that I have experienced---past, present and future. Without my past, I would not be who I am today. Without the present, I wouldn't know the joy of being. With the future comes new challenges and new lessons and new joys and excitement.

10. I am grateful for the year 2008 with all of its many lessons and challenges because I have grown through it all. Some of 2008, I would not want to repeat so I hope that I learned all of those lessons.

11. I am grateful to those people who bring love and joy into my life. I have been truly blessed by the people who have shared my life whether the time shared was just a few minutes or years.

12. I am grateful to be who I am and look forward to who I am becoming. I have grown to love who I am. I am excited about who I will become.

Well, Slade those are my 12 for 2008. The year is only a few days away from being over. It has been a glorious year and a challenging year for me in so many ways. I know that 2009 is going to be as good or better. Happy New Year to all.
Patricia

Here are links to some of the articles that have enriched my life today:
"Stuck on Outcomes" written by Slade Roberson found at http://sladeroberson.com/manifesting/stuck-on-outcomes.html/

"HOT FLASHES - and other tragedies of life" written by Corinne Edwards found at http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/hot-flashes-and-other-tragedies-of-life/

"Detox Your Home And Feel Brand New:" written by Carole Fogarty found at http://thehealthylivinglounge.com/2008/12/29/detox-your-home-and-feel-brand-new/

"Stepping into Spiritual Authenticity" by Andrea Hess found at http://www.empoweredsoul.com/blog/2008/12/26/stepping-into-spiritual-authenticity/

"Stephen Hopson Interview with Lance of Jungle of Life, Part I or II" written by Stephen Hopson found at http://www.adversityuniversityblog.com/2008/12/24/stephen-hopson-interview-with-lance-of-jungle-of-life-part-i-of-ii/

10 Things That Make Me Happy

Irene Seah from "Light Beckons" tagged me for this meme. You will find Irene's list of "10 Things . . ." at http://lightbeckons.com/2008/07/20/10-things-that-make-me-happy/ . Anyone that wants to participate by making and posting your own list, feel free to.

Here is my list of "10 Things That Make Me Happy":

1. Spending time with my family. My sister has been visiting more often lately and I have been thoroughly enjoying our time together. We have become friends as well as sisters. My mother-in-law is coming to visit for my husband's birthday in two weeks. I am blessed with a mother-in-law with common interests and that I really like, as well as love, her. Family can be our greatest teachers in life.

2. Being around trees makes me happy. This was on Irene's list too. I just love trees, their greeness, their groundedness, the majesty of reaching up to the sky, their age. Just think of all of the history that trees see in their lifetimes. Trees offer us shelter from the rain and shade from the sun. They give us variety in what we see.

3. Again, like Irene, I love music. There are songs that make me soar and songs that make me sad. There are voices lifted in song that leave me awe struck with tears of joy in my eyes. I am one of those people that when I hear a song, I just have to sing along if I know the words or I will hum along if I don't know the words. Music moves me, literally. One of my first experiences in an Indian ashram was when I got poked from an Indian woman sitting behind me because I was swaying to the beat of the music. She wanted me to sit still. I would miss music more than anything else if I ever lost my hearing.

4. Friends bring me joy. Talking with them. Visiting with them. Just being with them. I am a "people" person.

5. Writing is important to me. It gives me the joy of expressing myself in written form where I can see my thoughts in writing as well as hear them in my head. I love the comments that people leave on my blog. I love the written form of emails and hand-written letters coming through regular mail. Being able to edit my thoughts on paper and watching the power of the statement change by deleting or adding one or more words is a wonderful experience to me. The written word can exert such power. Look at all of the books that we read. Some are several hundred years old or older and are still exerting power over our lives. Incredible!!!

6. The growth from my spiritual journey brings me joy. Looking back to where I come from and seeing the growth and maturity of where I am today is great. Knowing who I am today brings me joy.

7. Books make me happy. I am an avid reader. I usually have at least 2-4 books scattered around the house that I read and absorb a little at a time. I love knowledge. I love the wisdom that I get from books that share the experiences of other people. I love a good book of fiction that lets me escape from my own problems for short periods of time. I love non-fiction books which teach me something that I want to know. I love books that take me on journeys that I might not be able to go on without the pages of my books.

8. I love my church. I love the building and I love the people. It is a small church in the Bible Belt of the South. My church has a "bad" reputation with a lot of people in Hot Springs, Arkansas because we dare to be different. My church houses people who believe in Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, Wicca, Edgar Cayse, a Course in Miracles, and God in all forms. We are surrounded by Baptist churches and Churches of Christ and Catholic churches to name a few. We choose to be different. I guess you could call us a church of rebels. My church makes me happy.

9. Babies in any form, human and animal, make me happy. The only time that I feel that my heart is totally open and loving is when I am around a baby. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could be that open all the time.

10. Smiling makes me happy. How much do you smile? Smiling is the simplest thing that you can do that will shift your thoughts and feelings. Smile today at everyone that you meet. Start the day by smiling at yourself in the mirror as you brush your teeth or brush your hair.
Patricia

A Tribute To My Traveling Companion---India Trip---Sept./Oct. 2007

I am home from India. I got home around 8:30 p.m., Central Standard Time, Monday, October 15, 2007 as scheduled. I am back in Hot Springs, Arkansas, USA, feeling spoiled and enjoying every minute of it. I appreciate being born an American more each time that I visit India and all of its hardships.

In this first article about my trip, I want to tell you about my traveling buddy. I could not have asked for a better traveling companion than my friend Sherryl. You met Sherryl very briefly in my article The Most Influencial Person---#5---Best Friends.

Before I made this trip, I knew that Sherryl is a great healer. I tell her that a lot. She is very humble about her healing abilities. Sherryl is my Reiki teacher. I have taken Level I and II from her and plan in the next few years to take Levels III, IV, and V from her and also become a Reiki Master like she is. Sherryl has incredible power in her hands. She is also an extremely caring person.

Sherryl sees things that I miss. She sees auras and has wonderfully detailed dreams most nights. She is a deeply spiritual person.

One day while we were walking through the ashram, she pointed out an older Indian lady who was having problems getting her walker down the stairs. Sherryl and I both rushed over to help the lady down the last few stairs. I happened to get there a little ahead of Sherryl. I moved the walker down the last two stairs and offered my hand to the lady. She thanked me and told us that she had been praying to Swami that he would send help to her. I told her that it was my friend Sherryl who saw her. I would have walked by and never seen her if not for Sherryl pointing her out to me. Because of my illness, I was more focused inward than usual and did not even see that the lady needed help.

I am writing this article to say, Thank You Sherryl for being such a good friend and for taking care of me when I was too sick to take care of myself. You being there with me made the trip much easier when I was too sick to cope on my own. Thank You Swami for having Sherryl come with me.

Sherryl and I have known each other since we met in a meditation class sometime in 1997. Each of our three trips have bought us closer together as friends.

On the second or third day in the ashram at Puttiparthi, I got sick with the worst sinus infection and cough that I have ever had. Not only my head and face hurt but my top teeth were very sore from the infection. I have never had my teeth hurt with a sinus infection. I usually get at least one sinus infection a year so I knew what it was that was wrong with me. My ears were also stopped up, especially the left one which is still filled with fluid.

Another story will be about the healing lessons that I received during my almost sleepless nights with this illness. I coughed really hard during the day and more so at night when I would try to go to sleep. The only way that Sherryl got any sleep was by using ear plugs and taking sleeping pills. I still managed to wake her up a few times when the coughing was especially bad. The last three nights in the ashram, I tried sleeping partially sitting up. It didn't make much difference. I still coughed. Another friend bought me cough medicine which didn't help either.

Before this trip, for several months, I have been experiencing pain across my back where my kidneys are. Sherryl and I both did Reiki on each other's kidneys three to four times during our stay in the ashram.

One evening, my chest started hurting with the coughs. Sherryl asked if I wanted her to cup her hands and beat on my back. I told her if she thought it would help, then yes. She would cup her hands and hit on both sides of the spinal cord but not on the spinal cord itself. She hit pretty hard. The cough did not turn into bronchitis. My chest quit hurting when I coughed. She did this about four times during the trip.

There were three or four different days that I didn't have the energy to leave our room. Sherryl kept me company on the two worst days. She bought me food and water when we were out. I lost over 10 pounds during this trip.

Sherryl, in addition to being a Reiki Master from the Usui Shiki Ryoho school, is a licensed massage therapist, and is trained to do Cranio-Sacral healing work. I will have to ask Sherryl to explain to me exactly what Cranio-Sacral work consists of. I know she works on my head and moves my neck very gently and it feels wonderful. I always feel better later. I know some Chiropractors do Cranio-Sacral work in their practices. Most do not.

Sherryl and I were in what felt like total harmony on this trip. We had a reading done for each of us by an Indian Astrologer who said we were soul mates and have many past lives together. At one point during our stay in the ashram, Sherryl asked me if I was aware that we were reading each other's thoughts and finishing each other's sentences. I wasn't aware of it. I was so sick that I don't think that I was aware of much of anything outside of my own body and mind.

Is this our last trip to India together? If you had asked me when I was so sick, I would have said that I was never going back to India. When I shared that with Sherryl, she said she knew that was what I was thinking. According to Sherryl and her dreams, we are going at least two more times. The next trip is scheduled for three years from now. She dreamed this trip into reality. I didn't. When she told me about the dream, I told her if it was supposed to happen, Swami would work out the details. He did and we went. If he calls, we will go again.

According to the Indian Astrologer, we have many more trips to come in the future. He told me that I would actually live there semi-permanently in the future with just family visits to the states. I smiled and thought, "Only if Swami knows something that I don't." It is in Swami's hands. If he plans it, it will happen.

Again, Thank you, Sherryl for the wonderful care that you took of me while I was sick. Without you, this trip would have been much worse. I hate being sick away from home. And, yes, I know that and the healing lessons that I learned are the reason that I attracted the whole illness. It is good to be home.

The Most Influencial Person---#5---Best Friends

My life has been so very blessed by having several people in it that I call my best friends. One of them died a year and a half ago. This article is to let them know that I love them and feel very blessed to have them in my life. Thanks to all of you. All of my gratitude articles have been inspired by Damian Carr whose blog you will find at http://soulterminal.com/ . Check out his site. It is called Be The Change. Damian very much lives and writes from that standpoint.

Carol died a little after midnight in the early morning hours of December 1, 2005. I miss her still. Some days I feel her presence close by. Some days, I still want her physical presence to talk to, to cry with, to be angry with. Sometimes, I hear her voice in my head or I hear her talking to me through a song on the radio or TV. She loved music. She had a beautiful singing voice. She believed that her angels spoke to her through the words of songs. The week after she died of a heart attack, I heard her talking to me so clearly through the words of a song in a TV commercial. I knew it was Carol. I had to laugh out loud because it was so surprising and so clear of a message that I couldn't be mistaken. The message was from her. One of her favorite song was You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings. It is one of my favorites too. Carol was my best friend and spiritual mentor and teacher. I love you, Carol.

Pamela and I met Carol at the same time when we attended a class on spirituality that she was teaching at Christway Unity Church in Hot Springs. Pamela had attended a Unity church in Tucson, Arizona before moving to Hot Springs. This was my first experience of a New Thought church. Pamela and I took several more of Carol's classes before we started attending church on Sundays. Carol taught me about Unity teachings, about angels and about myself. Carol had regular conversations with her angels. She did an angel reading and told me that I had 8 of them helping me at that time. Several years later, she told me that I had just gotten a whole other crew of 8 new angels to help guide me on my path. I would imagine that I could wear out more than one team with my spiritual growth spurts. Carol has been one of my favorite teachers. Through Spirit, she still teaches me today.

Pamela and I have been best friends almost from the first day we met over 10 years ago. She is the friend that told me that we were twins in a past life. I was just beginning to explore the possibility of re-incarnation when I met Pamela. Pamela and I went for a psychic reading once and we were told that we were triplets with another person in one lifetime. I shocked Pamela when I told her that we were con-joined twins in a past life. During a meditation, Pamela and I were sitting side by side. I suddenly felt our energy entwining on my left side. I suddenly saw a vision of us as con-joined twins. I can't tell you when we lived. I know that we were literally joined at the hip and that the family that we were born into loved and cared for us until we died sometime in our teens. I can't tell you how I know this. I just do. I sometimes get images and sometimes just a knowing about things. With this lifetime information, I got both. Pamela and I have had many lifetimes together. All I know for certain is that I have never felt an instant connection to another person like I did with Pamela when we first met.

Pamela used to get so angry with the people at our small church because, for the first few years, we were often called Pam and Pam. I used to laugh. Pamela would get angry and tell them we were Pam and Pat. Pamela left Hot Springs for 2 years and moved to New Mexico. It was a time of learning for both of us. Pamela needed to leave Hot Springs to realize that it truly had become her home. For me, it was a time of connecting with who I was without Pamela around. People began to call me Pat instead of Pam. Then when Pamela moved back to Hot Springs, we became Pat and Pat. Again, I had to laugh. People still seem to have trouble telling us apart. We really don't look that much alike. I think people have this problem because of our connection to each other. People just seem to feel that twin energy.

Until recently, we were such close friends that we did everything together. That has begun to change in the past year. Pamela seems to be gathering her energy close to herself as I am going through another growing spurt with my spirituality. When I am growing, I am sometimes difficult to keep up with. It is nobody's fault. It is simply a trait that I recognize in myself. I am like a sponge absorbing every bit of knowledge that comes my way until I am so full. Then I become a hermit and begin the processing stage where I turn inward to decide what to do with the information that I have absorbed. What fits becomes a part of my belief system. What doesn't fit gets discarded. To some, during this stage, I seem to not be growing. The reality is that this is the most important stage of my development. I am quiet until the next growing spurt starts. Then the race through life starts all over again.

Where this growing spurt will take me, only the Universe knows. I don't. At this time, I just have to go with the flow of the Universe.

Sherryl is also my best friend. She and I have grown together spiritually for over 10 years. We have been to India together twice and we are going again sometime this year. Sherryl was with me when we were both told to look inward for our spiritual teacher. She is a massage therapist and one of the most talented healers that I have been priviledged to know. I hope that if I tell her that often enough that she will begin to see herself as I see her. I have a lot to learn from Sherryl. She is my Reiki teacher. Sherryl is the friend that I travel the world with. Our first India trip in 1998 was the first time that I had ever been on an airplane. Our flight from Little Rock, Arkansas to Bangalore, India was 22 hours long. My husband told me that I could change my mind anytime before I got on the airplane in New York. Sherryl is a good traveling buddy. On the other hand, the suitcase that she took to India with us on that first trip was not. Sherryl's suitcase got lost. We shared what we could of my clothes and toiletries until Sherryl got her suitcase the fourth day that we were in Bangalore. Our next trip to India in 1999, that suitcase stayed at home. Our trips to India will be a future article. The friendship between Sherryl and I grew very strong in India. It has continued to grow stronger over the years since that last trip.

I love you, Carol, Pamela and Sherryl. You have all 3 blessed my life with your knowledge and your love.

I have 2 more friends to tell you about before I close this article. Both of them are people that I also consider my best friends. I told you that I have been very blessed when it comes to my friends. Both of these friends, Mary and Chris, come and go in my life. When we touch base with each other, sometimes after long absenses, it is as if we have never been apart. Our paths wind and circle and come back together for awhile before they separate again for a period of time.

Mary and I have known each other since around 1990 or 1991. We met through our mutual friend Kathy. We became best friends through our grieving together when Kathy was murdered in 1992. We were all living in Hot Springs, Arkansas at the time that we met. When Kathy was murdered, her family and friends had a memorial service for Kathy here in Hot Springs. When the family took Kathy's body back to Minneapolis, Minnesota to be buried, Mary and I asked if we could go with the family. Mary and I were roommates during this whole experience. We gave support to the family members and each other during that week of travel and mourning. By the time that we returned to Hot Springs after the funeral, Mary and I were best friends. Several years later, Mary and I both found God and religion again. Mary found Him before I did. I almost followed her but something about her church just didn't fit me. I know and like some of the people that Mary goes to church with. I will forever be thankful to Mary's church for giving her the peace and direction and love that she has found with them. They are good to Mary. They suit her need for God.

Soon after, I met Pamela and she and I started attending Christway Unity Church in Hot Springs. I found my church home and a relationship with the God of my understanding. I found a home just as Mary did with her Baptist church. Both of us have grown in our relationship with God. Mary and I will go for months without talking. When one of us reaches out to the other, it is like we haven't spent any time apart. We both still love each other. We just individually tend to get caught up in our lives with our families and churches. We occasionally get together for lunch to catch up on each others lives.

Chris is my last friend that I want to add to this list. He is my only close male friend. Chris and I are buddies on a soul level. He and I have had many past lives together in which we were soldiers togethers. We have a deep friendship. When I first met Chris, I started dreaming that I was fighting in battles each night, sometimes as many as 3 different dreams in one night. I never remembered details. I would wake up tired and know that I had spent the night fighting for my life. I didn't tell any body about my dreams until another friend and teacher told Chris and I both that we were soldiers together in many past lives. It made perfect sense to both of us and explained our connection. Chris has since told me that he felt that in my dreams, we were both fighting to save his life in this lifetime. When I first met him, he was just beginning to come out of post-traumatic stress syndrone from being in Vietnam years before. All I know for sure is that those dreams went on for month after month before they finally stopped and I could sleep peacefully through the night again.

Chris and I will go for months without seeing each other. When we do, it is like we are traveling parallel paths, each doing the same spiritual practices with slight differences. Recently, when we reconnected, we found out that we are both writing. Chris is writing a book on helping young soldiers returning from war to recover from post-traumatic stress syndrone. Since he is experienced with it himself, he understands where these young soldiers are. Chris is excited that I am writing articles for this blog.

Don't let anybody tell you that a man and woman cannot have a platonic friendship without sex involved. They don't know what they are talking about or they are just jealous.

My friendship with Chris, like my friendships with Carol, Pamela, Sherryl and Mary have all enriched my life so very much. I could not ask for a better support group than I have with these friends. They know who I really am and love me any way, just as I love them. Thanks, guys or should I say, Thanks, ya'll, since we are in the deep South.