Self-awareness And Healing Controlling Behaviors

Page 216, The Invisible Force: 365 Ways to Apply the Power of Intention to Your Life, written by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer:

"Be aware that learning to identify ways in which you're creating your own obstacles can be tremendously enlightening."

I have been blessed to use books like this one at different stages in my healing to give me more self-awareness. Only though self-awareness does healing have a chance of happening.

I used the 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon to give me self-awareness too. Those meetings taught me about self-worth, dysfunctional behaviors and the dysfunctional family system that resists all change. 

Those meetings introduced me to the books Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency both written by Pia Melody. I learned about abandonment and my own controlling behavior. I was able to identify a behavior that was causing me major unhappiness in my life---controlling.

Trying to control everything and everyone in my life in order to feel safe only created more obstacles for me to overcome during my healing process. The stress that I was creating for myself with my own behavior was unbelievable. The perfectionism and responsibilities that I put on myself were too much, but I didn't know how to live without them. In the dysfunctional family system of my childhood, I was the family hero and taught that I had to be perfect or I wasn't good enough and I was always at fault. I was also given the responsibility to make everyone else happy, often at my own expense. All of those set me up to become a controller as an adult. Add on that I thought if I could control everything that I would be safe from abuse.

The 12-Step slogan "Let Go And Let God" helped me tremendously. I made lots of mistakes and lots of apologies as I changed my controlling behaviors. I used affirmations like the one above to help me see and change my behavior. I did lots of writing and talking to friends and in 12-Step groups as I figured things out and got new self-awareness. I looked at the lies of my abusers and at the lies that I told myself. While learning to love myself, I looked at what was my responsibility and what was not. I read every book I could find about incest, alcoholic family systems and codependency. 

For 3 years, I used a God Box to teach me the principle of "Let Go And Let God". If you don't like the idea of God, use the Universe or your own Higher Self. Call the box whatever you want or don't call it anything. Do what is necessary to let go of the stuff that is not yours to handle. I will leave a link at the bottom of the page explaining how the idea of a God Box works.

You don't need the stress of trying to control the world. The world is much too big for one little person to manage. You are doing yourself and those around you a disservice by trying. Healing doesn't have time to happen when you are too busy trying to control everything else. 

All controlling does is take you away from what you are feeling and is a distraction from what is going on inside of you. Controlling behaviors keep you focused on others, not on yourself. Healing needs you to focus on you, not on your abuser's current behavior, not on what your spouse might be doing today, not on your friend that goes from drama to drama. They will all survive without your help/interference. Without your attention/advice, they might even start to look at their own lives with a sense of self-awareness. Become an example of what healing looks like by focusing on and healing your own stuff. 

Let go of the fears of childhood that keep you trying to control everything. Look at those fears, one at a time. Become friends with your fear. See fear for what it is---mostly unrealistic and from your past. Help your inner child to see that you don't have to live in that fear today and she/he doesn't either. 

Know that you can't control another person, unless they let you and that isn't healthy for you or for them. You aren't meant to control others. You can offer better guidance by the example of how you live your own life. Others never have to follow your example or your words. Don't resent them when they don't. Giving advice sets you up for resentment when people don't do what you tell them to. You need to acknowledge to yourself that you really don't know what is better for another person. That person may need those experiences to grow, to see their own value, to learn a major lesson, or to learn what love really is. They may miss those lessons if you step in and try to fix everything for them.

Years ago, a very wise lady told me that when I try to fix things for others, I am, in effect, telling them they are too stupid to do it for themselves. I didn't like what she said. I never wanted anyone to feel stupid because of my words or actions. My parents did that to me as a child. I did it to others, until I learned not to.

Look at where your controlling behavior comes from and the fears that cause it. Then you can free yourself of those fears. You can stop controlling what isn't yours to control. You can't control other people no matter how much you may want to.

What can you control?
Your fears
Your words
Your thoughts
Your attitude
Your reactions

Look at your world through the eyes of gratitude instead of negativity. Use affirmations. Learn to meditate and find peace within your center. Learn to love yourself. Forgive yourself for the mistakes of the past and for the mistakes you will make as you learn to let go of controlling.

Changing any behavior takes time, persistence, focus and self-awareness. Give yourself all of those. Practice kindness and patience with yourself. You deserve both.

What changes are you afraid of? Why? What would happen if you make those changes? I assure you, you won't die. Keep telling your inner child that she/he is safe. Today you can keep her/him safe. You are strong, courageous, and wise when you listen to your own inner voice. Learn to love yourself. Loving yourself creates true safety.
I am Patricia.

Related articles:

ASCA Anonymous @
http://www.asca12step.org

The Secret---Affirmations Change Your Life @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/08/secret-affirmations-change-your-life.html

Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics Played Major Roles In My Recovery From Incest @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/01/al-anon-and-adult-children-of.html

Surrender---Using A God Box @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/01/surrender-using-god-box.html

Dialogues With Dignity And 22 Ways To Love Yourself @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/01/dialogues-with-dignity-and-22-ways-to.html

Fear Is My Fear @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/01/fear-is-my-friend.html

Resources For An Incest Survivor And Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/04/resources-for-incest-survivor-and-adult.html

Silent Anger---Triggers

I am reading Healing The Writer: A Personal Account of Overcoming PTSD, a book written by my friend Dan L. Hays. I will later write a book review when I finish reading the book. Today I want to write about an issue that came up for me and brought tears to my eyes. I have been questioning, as Dan has, why it has been hard for me to start writing my own book. As I was reading a page of Dan's book, what came to mind was my mother's face when she was angry and used silence to show it rather than voicing her anger.

I am usually quite vocal with my own anger. When I get silent, it is because I am thinking and figuring out what brought out my anger. I am also looking at what fear is behind my anger. Once I figure out what that fear is, I can voice it. For me, voicing my anger and fears is very important. If I can voice it, I can release it.

My mother's silent anger was never voiced and released. You knew when she was angry but if you asked her about it, you were wrong. She wasn't angry. It was all in your mind. Her anger never got voiced. You were made to look bad and nothing was ever resolved. 

My mother lived with my family and me when I started my healing from incest. When I started going to Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) meetings, my mom never asked why I was going to 2-4 meetings a week. She didn't know about the incest because I hadn't told her. She was silently angry at me for daring to reveal our family's secret of alcoholism. 

I didn't know about domestic violence and its effects back then. My mother wasn't beaten by my dad. The only time he ever hit her was before I was born. She got his gun and pulled the trigger. He never hit her again. My mom was a good shot. He could have died. The gun wasn't loaded but neither of them realized it until after she pulled the trigger. 

I grew up I with that story. Death was the threat behind my mom's silent anger. Don't make me mad or I might shoot you. I lived with that subconscious fear from sometime in my childhood.  How much has that influenced my decisions?

My parents were divorced and my mom was living with us. I was probably into my third year of healing when I asked my ACOA sponsor to help me face my mom and tell her about the incest. When I told her, I think she was shocked but she was also angry. She didn't say anything until I asked her if her brother had ever sexually abused her. Her angry comment was, "No, Papa would have killed him if he had." Then she went into her angry silence and went to her room. 

Our talk was never brought up again. I gave her a copy of My Dear Family Member letter. I also mailed a copy to both of my siblings 2 weeks before mailing copies to each of my dad's siblings. If you are interested in what I said to my siblings and to my dad's siblings about the incest, you will find a link at the end of this post that will take you to the letter.

Anger turned to silence hurts and never gets resolved. You know the anger is there. The angry person wins and you lose if you bring it up. I learned to disconnect from my mom in order to not be hurt by her silent anger or did I? 

Is that silent anger still affecting my life? Did it keep me from writing my book all this time? Today, I know my mom's anger can't hurt me, unless I let it. I refuse to let her anger control my actions and thoughts today. 

It is time to write my book about healing from incest. I started writing just this week. My husband has been telling me for awhile that I already have my book written within the pages of my blog. I ignored his words. Recently, a friend, Corinne Edwards told me the same thing. Her words got through my doubts and questioning where to start. Over last weekend, I sat down and printed out all of my blog posts and then started a list of possible chapters for my book. 

This is your official notice to my husband Daniel Singleton, my friend Slade Roberson who encouraged me to write a blog and this book and to my friend Corinne Edwards whose words finally got through to me, I am writing my book. Thank you all three and so many others of my friends who have encouraged my writing. Thank you Dan L. Hays for writing your books and being my friend whose story is so like my journey of healing from being an adult child of an alcoholic.
Patricia

Related Posts:

Dear Family Member - Notification About Incest Happening In Family
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/10/dear-family-member-notification-about.html

My Mom---The Silent Parent
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/02/my-mom-silent-parent.html

Birthdays And Valentine's Day
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2014/02/birthdays-and-valentines-day.html

Family Generational Patterns of Behavior
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/12/family-generational-patterns-of.html

Stop Child Abuse Now - SCAN - 790 on Blog Talk Radio

Hi, everyone. In case you missed my guest speaker spot on Stop Child Abuse Now (SCAN) on Friday, March 14, I will give you the link at the bottom of this article. Bill Murray is a great host who makes his guests feel comfortable and loved. Usually there is a panel of three or four others who add to the conversation with questions and experiences of their own. This was my second appearance on Bill's radio program.

I briefly shared parts of my childhood story because in my first time on SCAN's program, I shared in more detail about the alcoholism, incest and domestic violence that I grew up with in my family of origin. I will also share the link to that radio program at the bottom of the page in case you want to listen to more details of my life as an incest survivor.

Friday night's program was more about the recovery part of my journey. My biggest resource for healing was the 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon. I didn't mention it on Friday night but I also attended a Coda meeting for a short time. Coda is Codependents Anonymous. Most of us who grow up in alcoholic home grow up to be alcoholics or co-dependents. Sometimes we do both. One of the things that I told Bill and his audience of listeners was that I even though I don't drink, I have about 8 out of 10 characteristics of an alcoholic. I have no doubt, if I drank, I would be a mean drunk like my dad and his dad both were. I choose to not drink and not put my family and friends though that.

Here are the links to my two visits to Stop Child Abuse Now - SCAN's program on Blog Talk Radio.

The first link is to the show that I was on for Friday, March 14, 2014:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-murray/2014/03/15/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--790

My very first time as a guest speaker for SCAN and Bill Murray and his panel was on November 20, 2013. Here is the link for it in case you missed it back in November.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-murray/2013/11/21/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--708

I also want to introduce you to several other websites that are good resources for incest and child abuse survivors.

The Lamplighter Movement @  http://www.theLamplighters.org/http://www.ASCAsupport.org

Adult Survivors of Child Abuse @  http://www.ASCAsupport.org/

Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Anonymous @  http://www.ASCA12step.org/

I hope you find the above links helpful in your journey to healing.
Patricia

Guest Speaker For "Stop Child Abuse Now" SCAN

Where has the day gone? Just stopped in to let you know that I am a guest speaker for the radio program "Stop Child Abuse Now", SCAN, as it is called. The program is on Blog Talk Radio and hosted by Bill Murray.  The show will start at 8:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, 7:00 p.m. Central Standard Time, 6:00 p.m. Mountain Standard Time and 5:00 p.m. Pacific Standard Time in the U. S. I hope you will join us tonight Wednesday, November 20, 2013. I hope you will join us tonight but if that is not possible the following link will work from the archives of the program. Here is the link for the program:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-murray/2013/11/21/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--708


At the end of my biography for the show, Bill says that I published two books, Silent No More and Growing Stronger, Growing Free. I didn't publish the books but I am very proud to be one of many contributors to the writing of the books. Both books are a "collection of works by 'Reaching survivors of sexual abuse' R.S.O.S.A. Founded by Kate Smith." You may purchase copies of these books at the following website:

http://www.thistangledweb.co.uk/online-shop/books/

See you tonight. Until then have a glorious day.
Patricia

Biography Of Patricia Caldwell Singleton, Incest Survivor

I am an incest survivor and an adult child of an alcoholic. My dad and my grandfather were mean drunks who influenced me to not drink because I was afraid of becoming like them.  I am also a survivor of domestic violence from my dad's rages when he was at home. Even when he wasn't raging, he was verbally abusive with name-calling and intimidation. He was a dictator with his controlling of the entire family. My mother rarely made an decisions and I wasn't taught how either.  My family was dysfunctional in the extreme.

I have memories of incest happening from age 11-17. The first memories were of being raped by an uncle on a fishing trip and a long weekend alone with him at my grandmother's. He lied to me and my mother when he said my grandmother was home. She came home on Monday afternoon.

A few weeks later, my dad decided I was old enough to take my mother's place working twice a day on weekends helping my dad out at the dairy milking cows. On my first night of helping at the dairy, we went to the hay loft to throw down hay bails. While there, my dad took his shirt off and spread it out on a bail of hay and told me to pull down my pants and to lay down across the hay bail. No explanation was given for his actions. I remember feeling disgusted and thinking to myself, "Not daddy too." That is how the incest started and went on for 6 years. Every time my dad left the house, I was sent with him and I would be raped before we came back home. Sometimes later on he would also wake me up early mornings before the rest of the family woke up and he would abuse me in another room of our house. Most of the abuse took place in the front seat of his truck. My mother sent me on many of those trips. She missed many signs that I was being abused because she didn't want to see them.

At 17, I knew I was strong enough to say no to the sex and not let my dad manipulate me into changing my mind. The sex stopped but the emotional and verbal abuse continued until I ran away when I was 19 on the day after I took my last test of my second year at a junior college. I packed a small shopping bag that I normally carried books in with a few changes of clothes. I gave my sister a note to give to my mother when I didn't come home that night and had my mother drop me off at the college on her way to work that morning. An angel of a friend who was older than my own parents picked me up and took me home and gave me a place to live and helped me get my very first job for the Summer.  After 3 days of my mother lying, she told my dad where I was. He came after me. I went home for the weekend and then went back to my friend's house on Sunday evening. I had broken away from my dad's control. That took more courage than I knew I had. If I had stayed, I would have had a nervous breakdown and would have lost myself completely. I knew that so I was strong enough to not give in to pleas and threats that my dad used to get me to stay.

I went away to college at the end of that Summer and as a Junior at 20 years old, I met and 8 months later married my husband. Before we were married, he knew he was not my first sexual experience but I could not tell him that most of my experience came from my dad. I was too afraid he would leave me. We were married for 8 years (1980) when I told him and my sister both about the incest. Even after telling them both the truth, I continued to pretend that the incest was not affecting my life. In my marriage, I became a controller thinking that would make me feel safe. It didn't. People tried telling me what I was doing but I wasn't ready to hear it until one day my husband came in from work. I got angry about something, I don't even remember what it was about. I do remember hearing myself screaming at my husband that I hated him and I hated everything about my life. A part of me was watching and listening and was in shock that I blamed my husband for the hatred and the anger when it wasn't his fault. I knew in my gut that it was me that I hated, not him. I hated myself for the incest. I thought I was bad because of it. Almost immediately, I apologized to him and started working on changing me. Our county library only had 3 books about incest and none of them offered much help. I started reading books on self-improvement and started working on letting go of some of my controlling behaviors. Small changes happened but still no work on the incest issues. I didn't even know I still had incest issues. I wanted to pretend that I didn't. Today I know that is called denial and it is very unhealthy. Denial keeps you in the hurt.

My real healing started in January 1989 with my first 12-Step meeting. Since my dad and grandfather were both alcoholics, I was considered an adult child. I choose to not drink because of the fear that I would lose control and be a mean drunk too. Thanks to a book called Adult Children of Alcoholics written by Janet G. Woititz, I looked in my newspaper and found an adult child recovery group. In my mind the alcoholism and incest were intertwined. I couldn't separate the issues even though my dad didn't drink all of the time that he abused me.

I used those 12-Step meetings to talk about the incest. Those caring people believed me and didn't judge me or tell me that I was bad. They told me to get a sponsor and to work the Steps. My sponsor should have been a woman but I didn't trust women. The women in my childhood were all judgmental. One of them even told me when I was 5 years old that I was going to Hell for wearing shorts. I picked a man as my sponsor who I felt safe with. Shortly afterwards, he had me start working the 12 Steps and, after finishing with the first three Steps, writing out a very long 4th Step which had over 100 questions for me to answer about my childhood. I don't remember how long it took me to write out all of those answers but I was healing thru writing for the first time. Writing has always been an important tool to my healing. In writing, I don't censor my thoughts. I just write the words and feelings come out with the memories. I still do this today even. Those 12-Step meetings and the work I did with my sponsor saved my life and my marriage. I learned about codependency and dysfunctional families and so much about myself. I also went to 12-Step meetings for families and friends of alcoholics and found out where so many of my characteristics came from. I have written about those 12-Step meetings and the healing that I did in my blog Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker.                                                       (  http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com  )

I do not remember who directed me to read The Courage to Heal written by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis but I am so grateful that they did. Not long after I finished reading The Courage to Heal, the workbook which was written by Laura Davis came out and I wrote my way thru all of the exercises in the Workbook. Those two books helped me to dig deep into the pain to start to do some major healing. I used those and other books and my 12-Step groups to talk, write and to heal my way thru the worst of my incest issues over the next 10 years. I was also in two different incest survivor counseling groups for a total of about 5 years. Because of the 12-Step concept of a Higher Power, I was also able to heal my relationship with God and myself. This was also the beginning of my spiritual journey.

In 2007, I got my first computer and thru meeting a new friend online who offered me much encouragement to write and share my story and also instructed me on how to set up a blog, my blog Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker came into being June 1, 2007. Its growth has been slow and steady as other survivors have found and supported my articles. Regretfully over the past two years, I haven't written as many articles because of health problems and more time away from the computer. I do appreciate all of the support of my readers. It is thru my blog over the past six years that I have come to know a community of survivors and have in the past three years thru my blog, the use of Facebook and Twitter, I have become an advocate for myself and for other survivors of incest, rape, bullying, sibling abuse and domestic violence. I have spoken on a number of radio programs over the past three years to reach out to other survivors and to tell my story so that others know they can also tell their stories and they will be believed. I am an advocate for children, women and men. I am so grateful that men survivors are now breaking their own silence of abuse. Now the picture will come closer to being accurate. Too many of us have suffered in silence. I want survivors to know that they are not alone. I and others are here to hear you and support you back to health and healing.

Helplines of the United States of America

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

• Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

• Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
 

• Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743
 

• Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438
 

• Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673
 

• Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272
 

• Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
 

• Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253
 

• Self Harm: 1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)
 

•Pregnancy Hotline 1-800-4-OPTIONS (1-800-467-8466)
 

• Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender (GLBT) Youth Support Line 800-850-8078
 

• National Association for Children of Alcoholics 1-888-55-4COAS (1-888-554-2627)
 

• National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-422-4453
 

• National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)
 

• National Drug Abuse Hotline 1-800-662-HELP (1-800-662-4357)
 

• National Youth Crisis Hotline 1-800-448-4663
 

• Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention 1-800-931-2237 (Hours:8am-noon daily, PT)
 

• Veterans: 1-877-VET2VET
 

• Adolescent Suicide Helpline: 1-800-621-4000
 

• Postpartum Depression: 1-800-PPD-MOMS

Thank you to my friend, Darleen Thompson from Facebook for sharing these helplines in the United States where most of my readers are. Please if you ever need help, don't hesitate to call the appropriate line listed above.

Patricia

Lucinda Bassett Truth Be Told Book Review

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
                 ---Nelson Mandela

My introduction to Lucinda Bassett came recently when she reached out to me and asked if I would be interested in being interviewed on her radio program. Of course, I said yes. I was talking to a new audience of listeners about being an adult child of an alcoholic and also about healing from incest. Here is the link to that interview if you missed it:

http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/12/revisiting-my-interview-on-la-talk-live.html

Lucinda Bassett's book Truth Be Told: A Memoir of Success, Suicide, and Survival will be available to buy on March 5, 2013. I was asked to write a book review. What I know from reading just the Prologue and Introduction of the book is that Lucinda is a courageous woman who cares very deeply about her family. When you lose a loved one to death of any kind, you hurt. When your loved one commits suicide, so many questions are left unanswered. So many words are left unsaid. I can only imagine the hurt that Lucinda and her children feel over the suicide of her husband and their father.

Lucinda talks about the cycle of  guilt-blame-anger-and-shame that she as a survivor of someone else's suicide feels every time she is reminded of her husband and the fact that he took his own life. The prologue to the book was written only three years after his death. Feelings are still fresh and very painful for Lucinda while her children are still in the denial stage of grief. Being young, her children just don't want to deal with the death of their dad. Anger is quick to flare.

In the Introduction of her book, Lucinda starts out by quoting Mother Teresa when she says,

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.
     I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

Sometimes I, too, have felt that way in wanting to wish away some of my troubles. Sometimes it just seems like too much for one person to bear. Lucinda is here today as a survivor, stronger because of the experience, knowing more about herself because of the pain and the healing. Through the growing and the healing, Lucinda is now able to reach out and to help other survivors through her books and her radio program. 


Lucinda doesn't call herself a Lightworker, but I do. She expresses that she feels she is "supposed to share what I have learned with others. Others who stand in fear, unable to function, destroyed by some unbearable trauma, believing there is no light at the end of the tunnel---no help, no hope, no happiness. So here I stand once again, humbled and open, sharing my life experience with you...for it is now an open book. If I can come out sane and grateful to be here, you can too." (Prologue, page 4). I can't think of a better description of what I and other survivors do when we share our Light to let others know there is a way out of the darkness of despair and pain.

Lucinda Bassett is a true survivor. I look forward to reading the rest of her book Truth Be Told: A Memoir of Success, Suicide, and Survival when it is published in March 2013. I hope you will join me in reading her book when it comes out.

You can follow Lucinda Bassett on Twitter at this link:   http://www.twitter.com/lbtruthbetold

Lucinda Bassett is on Facebook at the link:    http://www.facebook.com/lbtruthbetold

Lucinda Bassett is on YouTube at the following link:    http://www.youtube.com/lbtruthbetold

I hope that you all had a glorious Christmas season. Mine ended a little earlier than planned because of Winter Storm Euclid blowing through Arkansas on Christmas day leaving us with between four to seven and a half inches of snow in our yard. I walked around with a measuring stick to see how much snow we got. We also have a neighbor's tree laying across our fence in our back yard. We were blessed that we didn't lose our electricity as some of my friends who are on Day 4 with no power did. Most of the snow melted yesterday and today. Tonight's temperature is supposed to be back down to 18 degrees. I am glad that my husband and I got home around noon on Christmas day before the snow started.

Happy New Year to all. May 2013 be the best year ever for all of us.
Patricia

Revisiting My Interview On LA Talk Live - Truth Be Told Hosted By Lucinda Bassett

If you haven't listened to my talk on LA Talk Live - Truth Be Told which was hosted by Lucinda Bassett on November 29, 2012, then you now have two links to choose from. The easiest link to go to would be the link on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXWwDIvw7IM

Or if you would like more information about Lucinda Bassett and her book Truth Be Told which is coming out in March 2013, you can go to her website at the following link:

http://latalklive.com/new/truth-be-told

Be sure to listen to my interview about being an adult child of an alcoholic and an incest survivor. As I said in at the beginning of the program, I wasn't sure which of the two topics that I was going to talk about. I talked about both being an adult child and about being an incest survivor. Both are parts of my childhood history that continue to affect me, even today as I heal.

For my interview done by Lucinda Bassett, click on the right hand side of the page on the interview labeled:

11/29/2012 - Truth Be Told hosted by Lucinda Bassett
Guest:Lauren Etheridge / Patricia Singleton

Next click on the big white arrow on the left with LA TALK LIVE! under it and enjoy the interview. Lauren Etheridge is on the first 30 minutes and shares what it is like to be a 25-year-old living with the effects and memories of being an adult child of an alcoholic.  I admire Lauren for being able to talk about growing up with an alcoholic and how it is affecting her today. I wasn't strong enough or brave enough to tell anyone about the incest or alcoholism at her age. At 25 years old, I was still in denial that any of my past was still affecting me. I thought that if I didn't talk about it or think about it that the pain would go away. At least, that is what I hoped at that place in my life.

Keep listening because I am on the second part of the program with Lucinda. I enjoyed being interviewed by Lucinda and think that I did a good job of answering her questions. I talk about incest toward the end of the program.

My healing from being an adult child of an alcoholic started in January 1989 when I read the book Adult Children of Alcoholics which was written by Janet G. Woititz. The book was on the New York Times Bestseller and is still available if you would like to read it. A week later I was reading the newspaper and saw an Adult Children of Alcoholics 12-Step meeting listed. I went to my first meeting a few days later. Almost all of the characteristics of an adult child fit me. One of the first things that I was given was called The Laundry List. That fit me too. I will list the link below to the post that I wrote about The Laundry List in case you are interested in knowing more about being an Adult Child.

One question that Lucinda asked me about on the program that I wanted to expand on has to do with her question if either of my children drink or are alcoholics. I told her that my daughter doesn't drink at all but that my son does. I need to say that, as of today, he is not an alcoholic. It is just my fear that he could become one if he continues to drink more as he ages. I am not around him when he drinks so I don't know how much he drinks or how often. It is none of my business. Because of the history of alcoholism in both sides of my family, I will always have the fear that, if either of my children or my siblings drink, they can become alcoholics. I am not saying that any of them are alcoholics.

Now, I hope that, if you haven't listened to the program, you will now and come back here with any comments that you have about the show. Thank you Lucinda Bassett for having me on as a guest speaker. I do hope that you will consider having me on again so that we can have a conversation about incest and how it affects the adult survivor.

Lauren Etheridge, I wish you the best in your life and hope that you have a support system to help you heal from being an adult child of an alcoholic. I know your pain because I grew up with alcoholism in my family too.

I have made a new friend on Twitter in the past few weeks. His name is David Pittman and he is the head of a non-profit organization called Together We Heal. Lucinda Bassett interviewed David on her radio program too. Here is the link for David's interview:

http://latalklive.com/new/truth-be-told

Click on the interview labelled as 12/6/2012 Truth Be Told - Guests: Dr. Arlene Drake / David Pittman

Click on the big white arrow to listen to the program.

David's interview covers the subject of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Dr. Arlene Drake is the expert that talks during the first part of the program. David is on during the last part of the program. I wish that David had been able to talk in more detail about the topic of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Anyone that reads my blog knows that I am passionate about protecting children from being sexually abused as I was by my dad when I was a child.

Like me, David Pittman has a blog at the following link:

http://togetherweheal.wordpress.com

David can tell you about his organization and what it does better than I can, so I am using his words here to tell you about Together We Heal.

"Together We Heal is for those who have suffered the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. It exists to give aid and counseling to those in need, educate any who seek information on how to best protect our children and to expose the predators and their methods. Together we can do all of these things and begin the process of healing. There is a real need to change statute of limitation laws on child molestation and sexual abuse. We are here to promote that change and provide a safe forum for victims of abuse to share, learn and heal. 'One person cannot change the world, but you can change the world of one person' - Help us do just that..... Please follow us on Twitter @Together_WeHeal"

Thank you David for coming into my life through Together We Heal on Twitter. Together we will reach more survivors and we will save more children from sexual abuse. I thank everyone who comes to my blog to read my posts and for those who take the time to leave comments. I love you all.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 61 years old. For the first time ever, I have had eight different people wish me Happy Birthday early. My husband had to be join in when I told him about the other seven. My son and daughter-in-law are going out to dinner with my husband and I later tonight because they are both working tomorrow night. So I am even celebrating early. One of my best friends called me on Saturday and wished me Happy Birthday by singing the song Happy Birthday to me over the phone. She sang it to the tune of I Want to Wish You A Merry Christmas. Then we argued about her being early. She thought it was the 11th and I had to tell her that the 11th was on Tuesday. My mother-in-law called me today as well as a friend on Facebook wishing me happy birthday.

Tomorrow is a big day for my husband too. He is going to the printer to pick up his novel that he has worked the last 9 years writing. His book is called Standing On The Edge of Time. It is a novel about the Civil War and what Daniel thinks it might have been like for his great-grandfather to fight with the 4th Arkansas Infantry during the first two years of the war. What took so long for my husband to write was all of the research that he did on the 4th Arkansas Infantry and their part in the war. He has included many factual resources as well. He is excited so tomorrow we will be celebrating my birthday but also the birth of his baby - Standing On The Edge of Time. Have a glorious day everyone.
Patricia

Related Blog Articles:

The Laundry List of Adult Children Of Alcoholics @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/10/laundry-list-of-adult-children-of.html

Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics Played Major Roles In My Recovery From Incest @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/01/al-anon-and-adult-children-of.html

Growing Up With Alcoholism In The Family @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/09/growing-up-with-alcoholism-in-family.html

Resources For An Incest Survivor And Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/04/resources-for-incest-survivor-and-adult.html

My Story Of Incest Guest Post on Survivor Advocacy @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/11/my-story-of-incest-guest-post-on.html

LA Talk Live Radio Interview By Lucinda Bassett

At 2:00 p.m., ET in the U. S. on Thursday, November 29, 2012, I and my Twitter friend David Pittman who is the director of "Together We Heal" will be interviewed by the radio show host Lucinda Bassett. You will find our interview on LA Talk Live at the following link:

http://latalklive.com/new/truth-be-told

You will find Lucinda's story at this link also.

David shares his story on TOGETHER WE HEAL. His story is entitled "Pedophiles are like Serial Killers --- My Story by David Pittman." Here is the link:

http://togetherweheal.wordpress.com/2012/10/01/pedophiles-are-like-serial-killers-my-story-by-david-pittman/

I hope you will join us and listen to our stories of healing on Thursday 11:00 a.m. PT and 2:00 p.m. ET. This will be my first interview with Lucinda so I am excited to meet someone new and share my story with her and her audience and I feel a little fear mixed in with the excitement. Come back here after the show and let me know your thoughts. Have a glorious week ahead.
Patricia

My Story Of Incest Guest Post on Survivor Advocacy

Hi. I don't have much to say today except to express my gratitude to all of my readers. I also want to share two blog posts. One is my guest post over at Survivor Advocacy. I hope you will go to the following link and read it.  A friend who has already read the post, says the post is my very best writing that she has read so far. I am not a very good judge of my writing. I write from the heart and write with as much honesty as I can with the difficult topic of incest. Here is the link:

My Story Of Incest found at http://www.survivoradvocacy.org/2012/11/my-story-of-incest.html


The second blog post that I want to highlight here today is from my friend Patricia (Tricia) McKnight. Tricia's blog is called survivorsjustice. I absolutely love the blog post that Tricia posted earlier today. The post is called "Hopes, Dreams, Moments of Laughter, Thriving". Tricia gives the best explanation of the differences between being a victim, survivor and thriver that I have ever read. I have tried a few times to explain the differences myself. She does a much better job in today's article. Here is the link:

Hopes, Dreams, Moments of Laughter, Thriving found at http://survivorsjustice.com/2012/11/14/hopes-dreams-moments-of-laughter-thriving/

I have been reading Tricia's blog for awhile now and we are friends on Facebook and Twitter where we are both Advocates for abused children and for other survivors. Who are these survivors? What have they survived?

Many of you who are reading this blog are survivors. You know who you are. You have survived incest, other forms of child abuse, domestic violence as a child and/or as an adult. Some of you are survivors of parents mental illness, of narcissist mothers or fathers, or maybe the family disease of alcoholism and drug abuse. You name it. You have survived it. No one was willing to be an advocate for me when I was a child even though a few people suspected that something was wrong. Nobody asked. I want that to change. If you suspect child abuse in any form, ask questions. If you are wrong, you can apologize. If you are right, you have changed the life of a child who needs you.
Patricia

Healing From Incest Takes Time

Healing from childhood sexual abuse takes time and much effort on your part and you are worth both. The most important step is learning to love yourself. Most incest victims hate and blame themselves for their abuse. Know that the blame and shame belong to your abusers, not to the child you were then or to the adult you are now. Love both your inner child and the adult that you have become. You are both survivors. Many children don't survive. If you survived, you can heal.

Learn to trust yourself and a few close friends with your story of incest. Telling is more than okay. Your healing depends upon telling someone else the many secrets that you were forced to keep by your abusers. Don't tell just anyone. Tell someone that you trust. You may not trust anyone because of your abuse. In your childhood, you couldn't trust those who were closest to you, if like with me, they were your abusers. Trust is a very big issue and one that you need to do very carefully. Sadly, the world is full of people that you shouldn't trust with your story and your vulnerability. As an adult, there are abusers who will instintively pick up that you are vulnerable and will take advantage if you give them the chance. Believe your heart and your gut when you get signals to run away from these people. This is one reason why learning to trust yourself and your intuition are so important. Really listen to your body. I know how hard that is if you disconnected from your body as a child in order to survive the pain of incest. I also know from my own experience that you can learn to reconnect. Be patient and kind with yourself as you learn to do this. You are blessed to live in a time when many resources are available for your use.

Trust a few close friends with your story or, if it is easier, trust a roomful of strangers, like I did, in 12-Step programs. Those people weren't strangers for long. They totally accepted me and my story of incest.  Today I thank God that my dad was an alcoholic. I was able to find out how I was affected by the family disease of alcoholism and had taken on the characteristics of both of my parents but I also found a safe place to talk about the incest. I talked and talked and talked until I started to feel and the hurt started to leave. Talk as much as you can until the abuse is talked out of your body and mind. Some people will think you are stuck in the memories and will possibly wish you would just shut up. Don't shut up and don't trust those people.  Most people don't realize that you were silenced for so long that you can't let the hurt and anger go with just a few words and wishes. You have to work at and talk your way through the healing process. Writing helps too if you are a writer like me. You are worth whatever it takes to heal. Find a counselor or therapist that will listen and help you work through your pain. Don't settle for just any therapist. Not all are trained to help incest survivors. A therapist that doesn't know what they are doing can do more harm rather than helping you. Sometimes you just don't click with that person. Find a therapist that you can trust and feel safe sharing your story with.

Find others who can love you until you can love yourself. Surround yourself with people who will support you through the long journey to healing. Some won't stay for very long. Those who do will be your true friends. If you trust the wrong person with your story and get hurt by them. Let go of them and move on. Don't stay in an abusive relationship. You do not deserve to be revictimized by anyone. You couldn't do anything about the abuse you suffered as a child. As an adult, you can choose to say no to abuse of any kind and leave if the other person doesn't. Don't trust everyone with yourself or with your story. You deserve to be believed. If others can't treat you with respect and kindness, leave them behind. Move forward into your healing.

As I said before, trust your intuition which will tell you who is trustworthy and who isn't. Start with trusting yourself. Be kind and compassionate with yourself first. Start to listen to your inner voice that has your best interest at heart. Don't listen to any critical inner voices that you got from your parents or abusers. Learn to tune them out. Critical inner voices don't have your best interest at heart. Being critical of yourself is just carrying on the shame that your abusers passed on to you. Don't shame and blame yourself. Being responsible for your own actions is not the same as blaming and shaming. Feeling guilty for making a mistake is not the same as feeling shame because you were taught that you are the mistake. You are not a mistake, now or ever. That is the abuser speaking. Don't listen to that crap any more. You are worthy and lovable. Love yourself and heal. You are worth it.
Patricia

No Instant Fixes For Childhood Sexual Abuse

With the pain of childhood sexual abuse, no instant fixes exist, that I know of. You and your inner children are worth every bit of time and effort that it takes to heal. Just like you went from victim to survivor, you can now go from survivor to thriver and experience joy, peace and happiness in your life. These emotions take time to find as they have been buried under the pain and memories of your sexual abuse.  As you heal, they will return to your life. I know this is possible because over the past few years, I have moved from survivor to thriver.

Becoming a thriver doesn't mean that I will never again feel the pain of my childhood of abuse in the form of incest and my dad's alcholism. I do still have issues come up, sometimes suddenly and without warning. I still hurt and sometimes feel anger and sadness. The difference is that those feelings don't weigh me down and take me into depression like they once did. They visit for shorter lengths of time and the intensity isn't as strong. I recognise them as issues and work on healing and releasing them. I didn't used to recognise my own feelings for what they were. I just knew I was always tired and always carried a deep sadness within my heart and mind. Today I don't.

As a thriver, I really do love myself. Those aren't just meaningless, wishful words. They are true. I know that you can transition from survivor to thriver too. I am not the only one capable of doing this work. It is work. I don't know of any instant fixes. If the fixes were instant, the value of the whole healing experience would not be the same. Through the experince of healing, I learned to love and value myself and you can do the same. Healing from childhood sexual abuse is a process that you are worth starting and continuing with in your life. I am just one example of how this process does work. I know many more survivors that have done the work of healing.

Life is for more than just surviving. We are not meant to be victims of life and mean spirited abusers. We are meant to be thrivers. I wish for you a glorious day and many blessings. You deserve both.
Patricia 

Are The Effects Of Incest A Life Sentence For A Survivor?

Sharing some more of my Tweets on Twitter from several weeks ago. Tell me what you think.

The sad fact of my life is that at age 60, my abusers are all dead but the effects of incest live on in me.

I have done many years of healing work and am in a good to great spot most of the time with my incest issues behind me.

Even with healing, sometimes an issue will pop up and catch me by surprise and I find more grieving to do.

More grieving, more healing, more anger and fear to feel and then let go of because of the incest in my childhood.

A Survivor's work is never done, at least in my experience. Joy and peace do exist and I enjoy them when they are here.

And I still have those moments of fear come up when something triggers a memory or a feeling from my inner child.

I live with hope and laughter in my life and I still am a work in progress.


Tomorrow is my dad's birthday. He died January 6, 2000. Because of the length of time that he sexually abused me, I count him as my main abuser and most of the issues that I have worked on came from the abuse done by him.

My dad was born in 1931 as the 3rd oldest of what would become a family with 12 kids. He quit school in 5th grade when he went to work in the fields with his dad to help feed their family. I don't know if he had been a good student or not. When I was older, I realized that he could barely read or write. He could write his name. As for his intelligence, I don't think he was very smart. He came from a family with alcoholism and codependency in it just as I did. My grandfather when I was older would start drinking on Friday evening as fast as he could cash his pay check and get to the store to buy beer. When I was growing up, we spent lots of weekends at their house. I was always afraid of my grandfather because he was loud, a big man and a mean drunk. He would drink all weekend. On Sundays, he would drive back to town to buy more beer even though it was against the law back then to sell alcohol on Sundays. You did not want to ride with my grandfather when he was drinking. I rode with him one time with my siblings.  I cannot understand how he was never in an accident or stopped by a policeman for drunk driving. He was all over the road. Whatever direction he looked, the car went. That was before you had seat beats in cars. He never drove over 40 miles per hour. Neither did my dad. This was also before you had interstate highways.

None of this is told to you as an excuse for my dad's behavior but to give you a little bit of background to his life and mine. I can feel sad for the child that he was and I can see where some of his patterns of behavior came from. I can see why he grew up into a frightened man who felt that he had to control everyone around him to feel safe. I did the same thing until I realized that control didn't make me safe or make me happy. For awhile, I copied what I saw as a child. You have to have awareness of behaviors before you can change them. My dad never saw that he needed to change anything. I have learned that control hides fear - lots of fear.

When you face your fear, you can give up the need to control. Letting go of fear makes room for you to start to heal.
Patricia

Resources For An Incest Survivor And Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families

All of the books listed here are books that I have used in my own healing process over the years.  Some of the first ones listed are the very first books that I found and read back in the 1990's. I checked each of them on Amazon to see if they were still available for purchase and they are. I hope that you find them as useful as I did in my healing.  They are not listed in alphabetical order. The books are listed in the order that I remember using them myself over the years.

Affirmations for the Inner Child, by Rokelle Lerner, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1990, 2010.

Believing In Myself: Self Esteem Daily Meditations, by Earnie Larsen, Simon & Schuster, Inc./Fireside, New York, NY, 1991.

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-worth, by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1987, 2010.

Compassion and Self Hate: An Alternate to Despair, by Theodore I. Rubin, Touchstone, Rockefeller Center, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY, 1975, 1998. (Touchstone is part of Simon & Schuster)

Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics), by John Bradshaw, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1988.

Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, by Charles L. Whitfield, M. D., Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1989, 2006.

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self, by Charles Whitfield, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1993, 2010.

Codependant No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself, by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, 1986, 1992.

Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time, by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, 1989.

The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series), by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, June 1990.

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives, by Pia Mellody, HarperCollins Publishers, New York, NY, 1989.

Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody, HarperCollins Publishers, New York, NY, 1989.

I Never Told Anyone: Writings by Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Ellen Bass, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1991.

The Courage To Heal: A Guide For Women Survivors Of Child Sexual Abuse, 3rd Edition by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, Harper & Row, Publishers, 1988; HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 2008.

The Courage To Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Laura Davis, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1990.

A Gift to Myself: A Personal Workbook and Guide to "Healing the Child Within", by Charles L. Whitfield, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1990.

Secret Survivors: Uncovering Incest and Its Aftereffects in Women, by E. Sue Blume, Ballantine Books, a Division of Random House, Inc., New York, NY, 1990.

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child, by Laura Davis, Harper Perennial, a Division of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1991.

These are a few of the resources that I used in the beginning of my healing journey from incest and being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  For me, the alcoholism and the incest were intertwined in my life. That is why you will find so many of these books are about codependence and working with the inner child. The inner child is the one who experienced the childhood abuse and allowed us to survive into adulthood. I will do a second list of resources soon. I hope that I haven't overwhelmed you with all of these but I had so many good resources at my fingertips in the 1990's that I didn't have in the early 1980's when I first told my husband and my sister that I was an incest survivor.  I didn't immediately start working on my incest issues or reading books about it until after I had done some work on healing from codependence and being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic because my marriage was at risk. The 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon helped me to heal enough to finally start working on my incest issues.  Let me know if you have any favorites that helped you that I don't have included here.
Patricia

Happy New Year From Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker

I am hoping that you all had a wonderful Christmas this year. In saying that, I know that for many survivors, Christmas and other holidays are not always happy. Too many memories seem to come up of past childhood holidays that were very unhappy. In my own childhood, holidays meant my dad was off work, which meant more opportunies for drinking, also more opportunities for his little trips to town which meant more sexual abuse events for me to endure.  When my dad got drunk, he was like his dad and got mean.  Not physically mean, usually, but verbally, emotionally mean which can have longer lasting effects upon others than physical abuse where the bruises eventually go away. I don't mean to sound like I am downplaying physical abuse.  I would never do that.  I know that some have died and many have nearly died from physical abuse.  Emotional abuse leaves long lasting scars that may never go away.

This Christmas, I didn't experience any of those memories or thoughts about my childhood. I did share one good memory from when I was about 8 years old with my son-in-law while we were talking about the existence of Santa Claus.  We were at my paternal grandparents' house, spending the night on Christmas Eve.  My dad came from a family of 13 kids.  He was the 3rd from the oldest so I grew up with the younger ones. Around 8:00 p.m. all of the kids were made to go to bed.  I remember being so excited about Santa coming the next morning. I don't think that my dad was the only one of the older siblings who was visiting their parents' house that night. The house was full of kids and adults.  I remember the adults seemed as excited as the kids all were. I rarely slept when we were at my grandparents' house even when it wasn't Christmas because I always got stuck sleeping in the middle of two other kids. I would get too hot to sleep. With the excitement of Christmas, I laid there most of the night listening to the excited talking of the adults in the rest of the house. They got to bed sometime in the early hours of the morning.  The kids started waking up at daylight.  We couldn't open any presents until the grown-ups were awake. I don't remember what I got as a gift from Santa.  I just remember the wonderment of Santa and Christmas.  That is one of the good memories of childhood that I cherish.

This Christmas was full of good memories too.  Around my birthday on December 11, we exchanged Christmas gifts with our son and his wife.  On December 18, Daniel and I got on a bus to go to Boise, Idaho where our daughter and her family live.  Daniel decided that he wanted to spend Christmas with our grandchildren this year.  We have not spent a Christmas with our daughter since her oldest daughter was eight months old.  We have four grandchildren that we wanted to celebrate Christmas with. We had a wonderful week of visiting with them - Christmas shopping after we got to Idaho, going out to eat at a nearby Mall where Daniel loves a chicken dish at a cajun restaurant in their Food Court, a baptism for our middle two grandchildren into the Mormom church, visiting with all of our son-in-law's family that came for the baptism, Christmas Eve dinner with our daughter and her family at our son-in-law's cousins' house.  Best of all was watching our grandchildren open all of their presents Christmas morning.  We drove to the nearby Sawtooth Mountains the day after Christmas to experience the beauty of the mountains and snow.  We saw cross-country skiers, antelope, snow mobilers, and beautiful snow covered mountains. 

Daniel loved the time at our daughter's but hated the two bus trips.  The last one was the worst.  We watched our last bus driver break up a fight and threaten to kick two people off the bus.  We had one young man who was probably on drugs of some kind.  He talked loudly almost non-stop until about 3:00 a.m. when he finally shut up and went to sleep.  No one woke him up at our Ft. Smith, Arkansas stop because we were all tired of his talking and cursing.  He was just loud enough that the bus driver could ignore him.  We left Oklahoma City 45 minutes late and so when we got to Little Rock at 6:40 a.m. on December 30, we had missed our connection to Hot Springs by about 30 minutes.  I called our son and daughter-in-law to let them know that the next bus to Hot Springs was at 7:00 p.m.  Our son was already at work.  Our daughter-in-law came to N. Little Rock to pick us up after I was able to give her the address for the bus station.  An employee of the bus station told us that the bus from Oklahoma City was always late and that we should call for a taxi to take us home.  I told him I would only do that if the bus station was willing to pay the bill.  He said no they wouldn't do that. 

On Monday, I plan to call the bus company and complain.  At two of our transfer points, we were the last ones on the bus and filled it to capacity.  One of those stops there weren't any more passengers waiting to get on the bus.  At the second stop, about 8-10 people were in line behind us and had to wait for the next bus to come along.  All of this may have been because we were traveling for the holidays but I was not impressed by customer service at all or by most of the bus drivers.  Daniel says we won't travel by bus again.  I kept a good mood until we missed our bus in N. Little Rock.  I remained nice to the bus personel but I will make an official complaint.  We had to put gas in our son's car after our daughter-in-law came and got us.  We stopped in Benton, Arkansas at Waffle House on the way home for breakfast.  Instead of getting home around 7:00 a.m., we got home around 9:30 or 10:00 a.m.  Our journey was a great experience overall with only minor frustrations along the way. 

I am glad that I had my husband Daniel to experience the adventure with me.  The highlight of the trip was the day after Christmas when our oldest granddaughter posted a comment on her Facebook page saying that our visit was the best Christmas present that she had ever received.  That made our day.

Today is the last day of 2011.  It has been a year of struggle and triumph, tears and joy, awe and wonder. Some experiences I would not want to repeat.  Those hopefully were lessons that I learned so they don't have to be repeated.  They were mostly relationship lessons which can sometimes be the hardest when people get hurt and friendships end. My best friend had a heart attack and I didn't know about it for several weeks because we weren't speaking at the time. That was a first for us. We have never had any major disagreements like this before. I am very glad that she survived and so has our friendship.  It scared us both.  The year ended with our trip to Idaho and back home.  We had a great time.

I want to end this year of 2011 on a good note as I wish all of my readers and friends a very Happy New Year for 2012.
Patricia

Merry Christmas For 2011

I want to wish all of my subscribers Merry Christmas for 2011. I appreciate you reading my blog and also leaving you comments and letting me know what you think and feel after reading my posts.

Christmas can bring on a confusing mixture of thoughts, memories and feelings for survivors. Some Christmases, like this one, are full of joy, excitement and peace with myself and with the world.

Other Christmases can bring memories of the past, from my childhood of incest and emotional abuse.  Christmas, as a child, meant that my dad would be off for a few extra days which meant more drinking in excess.  I can't tell you what year my dad went from being an occasional heavy drinker to being an alcoholic. In my memory, my grandfather was always an alcoholic who was a binge drinker who drank on weekends until he would pass out usually on Saturday night. My dad was very attached to his father so we spent almost every weekend with my grandparents at their house. For me the weekends with my paternal grandparents started around the age of seven. Before that a lot of my time was spent with my maternal grandmother and the uncle that lived with her. For those of you who are new to my blog, these extended visits started when I was two years old and got whooping cough.  I couldn't stay at home because if my baby brother got the disease, he could have died from it. My point in revisiting this is to let you know that the family disease of alcoholism has always been a part of my life and played a big part in my painful memories around Christmas.

My father and grandfather were both mean drunks.  Because of this, many of my Christmases were not filled with happy memories. Some Christmases, those memories come up and are in my face. Those Christmases are sad. I used to try to stuff my way through those days with food.  When that didn't work, I tried to just ignore the feelings.  Neither of those methods of coping worked for me for very long. The feelings were still there. I have learned that I just have to feel what I feel. There is no way around feelings. Letting myself be sad or letting myself be happy is not just ok but is very necessary if I want to be healthy physically and emotionally.

This year, I am happy and excited. My husband and I are going on an adventure. I have never done this before. My husband has, but for shorter distances. As a Saggittarian, I am supposed to be adventurous. As a child that was kept hidden in me as was many other things along with the secret of incest.

We are going to visit our daughter, son-in-law and four grandchildren. We are not driving. We are going by bus which will take two days.  When we get to Boise, our daughter is going to pick us up and take us out for breakfast.  Then we will probably go back to her house and crash from lack of sleep.  I doubt either of us will get much sleep on a moving bus.

We are going from Hot Springs to Little Rock, Arkansas to Kansas City, Missouri to Denver, Colorado to Laramie, Wyoming to Salt Lake City, Utah to Boise, Idaho. We will have many short stops along the way to pick up and let off more passengers. Our longest layover is five hours in Kansas City.

We come back a different way. The route stays the same from Boise to Denver. Rather than going through Kansas and Missouri, we come back through Amarillo, Texas to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma to Ft. Smith, Arkansas to Little Rock and then on to Hot Springs in time for an early breakfast and then to crash in our own bed at home. Our longest layover on the return trip is five minutes short of three hours in Salt Lake City.

We get to see our two middle grandchildren being baptised into the Mormon church a day or so before Christmas. Our daughter and son-in-law are excited about that. I am excited for them to be raising their children in the religion of their choice. I didn't have that as a child. Neither of my parents went to church. My son-in-law was raised Mormon, my daughter was raised in the Church of Christ as was my husband. I am happy that they have a church family that they are happy with and that loves them.

This will be the first Christmas that we have spent with our daughter since her oldest daughter was a baby of eight months. Shortly after that Christmas, they moved to Idaho.  Our youngest grandson who just turned six less than a month ago keeps asking his mom if today is the day that grandma and grandpa are coming.  Our oldest grandson will turn ten on the day that we leave Hot Springs.  He will have to wait for us to tell him Happy Birthday when he sees us two days later in person. He was born seven days after my birthday.  Both of our grandsons are Saggittarians like their grandma.

I have my next post already written and scheduled to come out on December 26. Please feel free to post comments but I may be a little slow in getting them published along with my reply.  I will probably have limited access to a computer once I get to my daughter's.  I will have the two days there and two days back on the bus that I won't have access to a computer at all. Thank you all for your patience. With my daughter and grandchildren around, I won't be spending much time on the computer.

Sending love and Christmas blessings to you all. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Below I am sharing some of my blog posts from Christmases past for those of you who weren't here to read them the first time.
Patricia

Related Articles:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year To All @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/12/merry-christmas-and-happy-new-year-to.html

The Spirit Of Christmas @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/12/spirit-of-christmas.html

Christmas Is Over For 2008 @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/12/christmas-is-over-for-2008.html

Cry When You Need To @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/12/cry-when-you-need-to.html

Shutting Down To Get Through The Holidays @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/12/shutting-down-to-get-through-holidays.html

Being A Survivor Means Knowing You Have Choices

As a victim of the family disease of alcoholism and incest, I wasn't given choices as a child.  All of the choices of my childhood were made for me by my parents and my abusers.  I was even told by my parents that the adults had full authority over me as a child.  I was told to mind all adults - to do whatever they said, without question.  This one rule of my parents played a major factor in allowing me to be sexually abused by several adults in my life, one of which was my dad.   

Knowing that I have choices as an adult has created a major division for me between being a victim or being a survivor.  As a survivor, I know that I have choices.  I know that I can make my own decisions.  Right or wrong, they are my decisions to make.

Because it took me so long to learn how to make choices for myself, I place a high value on being able to make my own decisions.  Being able to make my own choices gives me a freedom and a feeling of being in control of my life instead of letting others tell me what to do and what to say.  I never experienced this feeling as a child.

If you would like for me to join your group on Facebook, please ask me instead of just adding my name to your group.  Then it is my choice to accept your invitation or not.  Please don't take away my choice by making it for me.  That is too much like my childhood.  I know that I can always make the choice to leave the group if I want to but it isn't the same as being given the choice in the beginning rather than as an after thought. I thank you for that.

Patricia

Dear Whoever You Are That Wants Me To Shut Up About Child Abuse - It Ain't Happening. So Deal With It.

Dear __________ (Whoever you are that wants me to shut up about child abuse and my incest issues - it ain't happening. So deal with it or leave.)

If you don't like what you read here or on my Facebook page or my Tweets on Twitter, you don't have to stay.  You can unsubscribe from here.  You can unfriend me on Facebook.  You can unfollow me on Twitter.  I hope that you stay.  If my topic of incest and child abuse bothers you, look at yourself to see why.  It really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you.

I had someone on Twitter unfollow me today because "what I tweet isn't healthy."  I told the person that I tweet my conscience and not someone else's.  Incest and child abuse is not healthy.  The struggle to get healthy isn't pleasant for anyone who lives it or reads about it.  Letting go of being a victim and becoming a survivor isn't easy.  It certainly isn't fun.  Struggling with a past of incest and child abuse takes courage.   You all have that courage inside of you.  You just have to look for it.  Facing is fears is terrifying.  You can do it.

Here on my blog, I share my life story, not anybody else's.  I share my healing journey - what has worked or not worked for me.  That doesn't mean the same things will or won't work for you.  I am an expert on my life, not anybody else's.  Sometimes my words may act as triggers if you are a survivor too.  I feel sad for that but it isn't something that I can control.  If the triggers are too much, you can leave at any time.  There have been lots of times that I wished I could just leave it all behind.  The only way to do that is to do the work of healing.  That is what my blog is a chronical of - my work of healing from incest.

I know that some of you are well meaning and just want me to have a better life, have a little joy in my life, not make you feel so bad by sharing all of my stuff online, in the public eye.  I do have joy and love and a better life because I have spent years writing about incest and talking about it.  If what I write about makes you feel bad, do something about it.  Do your own healing work if that is what is needed.  Look to see if there are any children in your life that are being abused and may need your help.  Help that child by being responsible.  Stop child abuse so that no one else needs to feel what I feel about my past.  You all can take responsibility for stopping child abuse in whatever form it comes to you as.  Child abuse and incest won't stop without all of us doing our part to stop it.

Blogging is just a more public venue for doing healing and stopping child abuse.  By blogging, I am reaching out to other survivors who may have less time healing to share my story of healing with them so that they know they are not alone.  By blogging, I am reaching out to other survivors who are where I am in healing.  We can share our strength and hope with each other and other survivors who aren't there yet.  I am also reaching out to find survivors who are further along on the path of healing than I am so that they can encourage me when I am down and need a friend to help pick me up.  The blogging community of survivors of child abuse is a wonderful, caring, compassionate world of people who understand what it means to be a victim and a survivor.  My blog allows me to discover that the world isn't always bleak and dangerous.  The world should be a safe place for all children.

My next step is to write my own memoir about my journey as an incest victim, survivor and thriver.  I have always known that I would write this book.  The book is inside me waiting for the right time to come out.  I am letting people know that the time has finally come.  I have been telling others online for the past few weeks that the time is near for me to write my memoir.  Other than that, I have done nothing to make that a reality.  I haven't written the first word yet. 

By telling you that I am writing this memoir, I am making myself accountable for sitting down and writing it.  Each time that I take a step toward telling more people about incest, I meet with internal resistance.  That is part of my process.  I am facing the fears that cause that resistance.  I will write my book.

Why do I insist upon telling people my story?  Why won't I just shut up about incest already?  Why won't I just be quiet and let it remain in the past?  Why is talking about incest and how it affects me so important? 

Good questions.  All questions that I have been asked in the past and probably will be asked again in the future.  I will not shut up about abuse for several reasons. 

1.  Other survivors need to know that they are not alone, that healing is possible.  If I, and other survivors, shut up about our experiences then victims and survivors are back to doing it alone.  I won't let that happen.  I was alone in the beginning (late 1970's).  Today with all of the books on the subject and the internet, survivors can connect with other survivors.  We can help each other.

2.  A big part of my healing came from speaking about incest and the family disease of alcoholism.  I did this in counseling some but more so in 12-Step meetings (Al-Anon & Adult Children of Alcoholics & Co-dependency meetings).

3.  My main reason for speaking out about incest is to break the code of silence that my abusers ingrained in me to shut up.  Unless we break that code of silence, we cannot stop child abuse from happening.  Women have been speaking out as survivors for awhile now.  Finally men are in the beginning stages of stepping up and breaking their own silence of child sexual abuse.  As women who have been through this, I hope that other women will reach out to these men and let them know they are not alone in this.  We can and should support each other in our struggles and our healing.

4.  If I am silent about child abuse and incest, then I am condoning it happening to the next generation of our children and I will not do that.  Will you?  Silence doesn't stop child abuse.  Silence is what kept me in the role of incest victim for too long.  I have broken the code of silence and I know that you can do it too.  Until this silence is broken more children will be abused.  Speak out.  Take actions to break the silence and to save our children.

Sometimes it is a family member that wants me to quit talking.  I am grateful that I have the support of my husband, son, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law and mother-in-law.  They respect my need to talk about this topic of child abuse and incest.  With their support, I can do anything.  Build yourself a support system of family and friends who understand your need to talk and share your feelings about your abuse.  Holding these feelings in, staying silent because of fear of rejection just keeps the abuse happening.  People who ask you to stop don't understand.  They don't know how hard it was to speak up the first time and every time after that.  They don't have a clue about the pain and grief that you have felt.

An online friend just yesterday asked me to write a blog post about incest as the number one form of child abuse today.  I told her that I would.  I don't know any statistics on incest being number one but I know that it does happen a lot in all types of families all over the world.  I will see what I can find and keep you updated.
Patricia

Related Articles:

Inspiration, Denial and Incest @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/01/inspiration-denial-and-incest.html

Dysfunctional Family Systems @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/04/dysfunctional-family-systems.html

Out Of My Comfort Zone---The Third Floor Window @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/09/out-of-my-comfort-zone-third-floor.html

"Freedom's Just Another Word" Book Review @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/04/freedoms-just-another-word-book-review.html

Guest Post On Emerging From Broken - Self-Worth Gives You Ability To Say No

Today you have to do a little traveling across the internet from the southern USA all the way to the southwestern part of Canada where Darlene Ouimet sits at her computer and puts out her blog Emerging From Broken.  The internet really has made the world smaller.  Without it, Darlene and I would never have met and established our friendship online over the past year.

Today rather than a post here for you to read, Darlene asked me to do a Guest Post for her at her blog Emerging From Broken.  The post is called "Self-Worth Gives You Ability To Say No by Patricia Singleton".  You will find the post at the following link:

http://emergingfrombroken.com/self-worth-gives-you-ability-to-say-no-by-patricia-singleton/

Please feel free to leave comments here afterwords and to also join the conversation at Emerging From Broken.  If you have never visited the blog Emerging From Broken, please take the time to do so and read some of Darlene's thought provoking articles.  You will be glad that you did.

Again, thank you Darlene for allowing me the honor to speak to your blog readers about part of my own journey through recovery from incest.  I appreciate you and the work that you do at Emerging From Broken.
Patricia