Summer Fun And A Blow Out

I got an email today that someone hacked my blog yesterday and changed my password. Well today I got it back under my control. It was a lot easier to do than I thought it would be. I have had that password since I started my blog in June 2007. I was kind of attached to it but now I have a new one and will change it periodically so hopefully this doesn't happen again. I don't see any damage to the blog and I am grateful for that. Thank you, God, for that blessing today. I told my husband about it and he asked why would someone hack my blog and I told him because they can. I don't understand why someone would do it either. 

I have been really busy with our daughter and grandchildren here visiting for almost a month now. We went to Louisiana over the weekend and were on our way to a birthday party for a 4-year-old when we had a blow out on I-20 near Bossier City and Shreveport. The back tire on the driver's side of the truck blew out and the shredding rubber flew under the truck and shredded our spare tire too. We were blessed that Daniel was able to regain control of the truck without flipping it. We were also blessed that family was near by and were able to help Daniel find a spare tire that he could borrow until he could find two new tires.  We made it home around 11:30 Saturday evening. Our grandkids enjoyed the day because their cousin rented a water slide for the birthday party. They barely came in to eat during the day. 

When everyone goes home, I hope to get back into some kind of writing schedule here. Hope everyone is having a great Summer. 
Patricia

Being An Advocate And Speaking Out Does Mean I Am Stuck In Victim Mode

Wow! June is almost over, half a year is almost gone. Where has 2014 gone? So much has been going on in my house and family lately. I intended to write more here but have just been too busy. Our daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren came to visit. Our son-in-law flew home earlier in the week but our daughter and grandchildren are here for several more weeks. Daniel has taken them hiking at our favorite camping place in Arkansas. Our daughter texted me not long ago to say they were finished with the hiking and were going swimming now. Thankfully, it is only cloudy there, not raining like it has been here off and on for the afternoon. I was supposed to go with them but woke up with a headache and slightly nauseous this morning so I went back to bed for awhile. I just asked if I should think about cooking Supper and was told no so I am here instead.

Recently a family member that I thought understood about my advocacy work and the meaning behind why I blog unfriended me on Facebook because of all of the articles that I post that were taking over her page. She told me that I seemed to be stuck in victim mode and wasn't living my life, that I was stuck in the past and life was passing me by. I was hurt that this person just doesn't understand and doesn't see the good that comes from my advocacy. 

I was angry for awhile too. Then I let go of it. I am sharing this because I know other survivors have been told to "Get over it; to let it go; to get on with their lives; to just stop talking about it." usually by well meaning people that are in denial of their own pain. It does a job on your self-worth when someone so misunderstands you and your mission, especially when it is someone that you thought understood. 

I want this person and others to know that I do have a life off of the computer. So do most survivors. I share my passion for stopping child abuse because it is important if we are going to save all of the children from being abused. I also share because I felt alone so much of my early years of healing. I want other survivors to know they are not alone. I want them to know that they too can have a great life after abuse and healing. Healing work is hard but not as hard as being abused. We need to raise children who don't need healing. As long as pedophiles and molesters are still hurting children, as long as survivors are still being silent about their abuse because they think they are the only ones, my work will not stop. 

Unfriend me if you want to on Facebook, some already have. That is your choice and I honor that choice. Honor my choice to not stop being an advocate for children and survivors. If you choose to be silent then you are part of the group that allows abuse of children to continue. Hide your eyes and close your ears, just don't expect me to.  Child sexual abuse happens in the silence and will continue to happen as long as we let it. I was a part of that silence for too many years before I knew I had a choice to break my silence and speak out. We all have choices. I hope yours protects a child from sexual abuse. We have to educate everyone. If you don't believe me, just look at the court systems who are releasing offenders back out onto the streets to hurt more children. 
Patricia

Father's Day And Incest

I know that Father's Day, and Mother's Day too, for that matter, can be hard days to get through if you were abused as a child by your parents. You just don't have the good feelings that you would have if your parents were good at their jobs. You can even envy your friends who had good parents. You can take it so far as to resent that your own kids have good parents. No one says feelings have to be rational. They aren't always. 

I decided a long time ago, before my dad died, that I could celebrate the fact that my husband Daniel is a good father to our two children. I could teach my children to honor their father in the way that I can't honor my dad who sexually abused me as a child. 

Daniel is a good dad. He has always played an active part in the lives of our children. He changed diapers and cleaned up messes as well as being there for the good parts of being a dad. I was more the disciplinarian but most moms are. Daniel played with the kids more and made us all laugh. He has always been there for our children and still is today with our children moving into their late 30's. I think he has always tried to be the dad that he didn't have as a child. Daniel's dad was 55 when he was born and health issues prevented him from doing the recreational things that Daniel made sure that he did with our two children when they were growing up. Daniel's dad died shortly after retirement when Daniel was still in high school.

Neither of our grown children have had a chance to wish their dad Happy Father's Day yet because he went to a reenactment this weekend in Mississippi. He will be home around early evening probably. I know he had a good time because he and I have talked briefly a few times since he left but not today. I don't know if he realizes that today is Father's Day. I didn't until sometime Friday afternoon. 

Happy Father's Day, Daniel and to any of my readers who are good dad's to your children.

As I came on Facebook today and also checked my emails, I read other blogger friends' articles about Father's Day and so I am sharing those links with you here. They all talk about the mixed emotions that survivors share about their parents and why Father's Day is difficult for them.
Patricia

Fathers Day! @
http://speak4change.com/blogging/fathers-day/ 

Father's Day - Lessons learned, Love lost, Life Reclaimed @
http://www.mskinnermusic/home/fathers-day-lessons-learned-love-lost-life-reclaimed/ 

When Dad Enables Mom in Emotionally Abusive Family Relationships @
http://emergingfrombroken.com/when-dad-enables-mom-in-emotionally-abusive-family-relationships/ 

The Blessings Of Surviving Incest

"Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it."
                                             ---Buddha

I do believe this. I would never wish that another human being experience the abuse of incest that I went through and I know that without my own experiences, I would not be who I am today. I would not have the strength, courage or compassion that I have today. I would not have the ability to offer hope to other survivors. I would not have the wisdom of surviving that I have today. I would not have the stubbornness that refuses to give up even on the hardest of days.


"I Regret 
Nothing in my life
even if my past
was full of hurt,
I still look back & 
smile,
Because
It made me who i am 
today."
                         ---www.omtimes.com  as shared on Facebook

Here is my response to reading the above quote:

I love who I am today. Without the incest, I have no idea who I would be today. I have chosen to take the bad and turn it into sometime good - a me that I can be proud of - full of love and compassion for my fellow human beings. My strength comes from surviving what I experienced as a child. My courage comes from facing my fears and, believe me, they were many more than people looking at me today can see. My compassion for myself and for others comes from my past hurts. I don't want anyone else to hurt like I once did and for those who are hurting today, I can honestly say, "I know what that feels like." 

I expect honesty out of myself and anyone that I trust because as a child there were so many lies from the adults in my life. Once you have earned my trust, I trust you completely. If you betray that trust, I will walk away and not look back. 

Helping other survivors and sharing my story is the best way I know of to bring good out of the abuse.  Being able to help other survivors to heal brings meaning to my life. I have met some of the most amazing people because of becoming an advocate for children and other survivors. 

My world today is rich with friendships and family that I love. Many of those friendships are because of my advocacy work. I love you all. You inspire me to never give up and to keep taking the next step forward in whatever direction it takes me. I know that I am not alone. Neither are you.
Patricia

Dear Mama - Abandonment

Dear Mama,

The first time you abandoned me, I was only two years old and very sick. I now know that the doctor told you the my baby brother would die if he got the whooping cough from me. You probably thought your mother's was the safest place to leave me while you looked after the baby. He was more important than me to you. He always seemed to be your favorite. I don't remember, but at two years old, I must have cried for my mama and you weren't there. I was too young to understand. I grew to love my grandmother, maybe more than I loved you. She never left me when I needed her. 

You used to get upset, when as an adult, you heard me say that in many ways Grandma Howe became my mother. Even after I started to school, I was allowed to go spend the Summer with Grandma until I turned seven years old. After that I wasn't allowed to visit her except for holidays when the whole family of origin went to visit her. I missed her. So, a second time, abandonment became a part of my life because of Daddy's decision and yours to let him make it. My feelings never were important to either you or Daddy.

You never protected me from harm, as far as I can tell. When I was three years old, I made the decision to become your protector. I knew you didn't feel anything like those around you did. I decided to protect you so you wouldn't be hurt by others. 

No child should ever be put in the position of protecting their parents. I did that for both you and Daddy by keeping secrets. There was much that I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. It wasn't important that I was being hurt as long as I protected you. You were important. I was not. That is how you taught me abandonment again. You were emotionally unavailable for my entire childhood. That is a form of abandonment. 

Another form of abandonment in my life started when I chose you and your feelings over mine. I abandoned myself. In order to protect you, I had to abandon myself and put your feelings above my own hurts and feelings. You were important to my survival. With Daddy abusing me, I turned to you for love and care and you didn't do your part in protecting me. I couldn't tell you about the incest and protect your feelings too. I couldn't take the chance that you would blame me or shot Daddy and go to jail. Because of all of these fears, I kept silent.

Fear of abandonment is why for eight years, I didn't tell Daniel about the incest. I was afraid he would blame me, as I blamed myself and I feared he would leave. Fear of abandonment was my very first issue to address in healing from incest. So I guess it is appropriate to revisit abandonment with issues with  you too, Mama.

How does all of this writing make me feel? I am not sure what all of the feelings are right now. I can tell you that most of them are felt in my stomach and solar plexus as flutterings working their way to get out. I also cried earlier, not while writing this, but while reading someone else's story on Facebook. I carry tension in my stomach and across my shoulders and in my neck muscles. I started writing this series because of the headache that I have had for the past few months. With the help of a friend, I figured out that unresolved mother issues could be the source of my headaches. So the series of blog articles that I have labeled "Dear Mama" will be my attempt to work my way thru those issues starting from my earliest memories which is where this article starts at age two until no more issues come up for me.

You may ask why I have taken so long to write about my mother issues. Mother issues are tied into my self image. My mother was my role model of what it is like to be a woman myself. So looking at mother issues is looking deep inside myself at who I am too, as a woman. How much did who my mother was affect who I have become? Did she affect who I am at all? Hopefully along the way with this series, I will be able to answer those questions for myself.

Patricia

 

 Related Article:

FEAR, The Monster @

http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/03/fear-monster.html 

Family Emergencies and Stress

Wow! I am surprised to see that it has been almost a month since I posted my last article. So much has gone on in my life and in my family since I was here last. 

On September 30, my husband's middle brother went to the ER unconscious and unresponsive to his mother trying to wake him up after he woke her up first coughing and then making a noise that caused her to get out out bed at 3:30 a.m. to see if he was okay. First he was taken by ambulance to their little hospital where they quickly decided that he needed more treatment than they could give him. They told his mother that he had a brain hemorrhage. He was flown by helicopter to a bigger medical center in Shreveport, Louisiana. There we were told that he had a brain aneurysm with a lot of bleeding. The doctors immediately started draining the blood off of his brain while they did other tests and finally at 6:00 that evening, surgery was done to access the amount of damage and to also put something in the blood vessel to stop the bleeding. We drove 4 hours to get to the hospital 3 hours before the surgery was done. After the surgery, we were told that my brother-in-law had a 30% chance of surviving that first night. The surgeon's body language said they would be surprised if he survived at all. Well everyone that I could ask for prayers were saying them. My brother-in-law has now survived for 1 month, as of today. I believe everyone's prayers are why my brother-in-law is still with us. He has a long period of recovering ahead of him. Some days he knows who he is and who we are and some days he does not. I appreciate everyone's prayers and I know he does too. Thank you all.

We have made 3 trips down to visit my brother-in-law and mother-in-law since that early morning brain aneurysm burst. We didn't go this weekend because of my husband having work here that couldn't wait. In addition to worrying about my brother-in-law, we have worried about my 92 year old mother-in-law worrying about her son and also having a high blood pressure episode that put her into the hospital for one of the weekends that we went down to Louisiana. Her blood pressure suddenly went extremely high so she is now on new medication to control that. She is by herself while her son is in the hospital. They have been taking care of each other for many years now. She now has a Life Alert button to wear in case she gets into trouble by herself. She has high blood pressure and a heart condition. 

Because of the stress of worrying about both of my in-laws and the 3 trips back and forth to Louisiana over the past month with 2 of those trips also being working trips with my husband with me helping him stripe parts of 9 parking lots spread out over 2 Sundays, last Saturday night, my forehead above my right eye started itching. By Monday morning, most of my forehead above my right eye was swollen and itching and had little blisters. On Tuesday morning I called and got a doctor's appointment because the area around my eye was beginning to swell too. My husband thought I had poison ivy. The doctor says it is another episode of shingles and gave me a steroid shot and pills to take 5 times a day to stop any nerve pain. I also have a steroid cream that I have been using for 2-3 times a day. With the shot and the cream, the itch and the blisters are much better today. 

As an incest survivor and a survivor of my dad's rages when I was a child, I lived in almost constant fear and stress. I wasn't aware of that stress or how it affected me until I got into my healing journey. I was 19, the first time I actually remember feeling and acknowledging that fear. With all of the healing that I have done over the years, I still don't know how to let go of stress. I carry it in my body until I get sick with pneumonia like 3 Thanksgivings ago or I get shingles like now. This is my 3rd episode in the past 2 years. This is something I need to look at and research so that I can stop this from being a pattern for me. I don't want to get sick in order to get my attention. Has anyone got any suggestions or ideas as to how I can deal with stress better?
Patricia