Looking Back at 2015 And Forward To 2016

Happy 2016. I hope you all had a great Christmas. Mine was the usual traveling to visit family in Louisiana for Christmas Eve and then to Texas on Christmas Day. We had joyful times and the stress of organizing and traveling. 

We had family visiting the weekend before Christmas, adding to the joy and the stress both, for me. I love having family visit, once they are here. I had a meltdown a few days before they got here and realized that my inner child was worried about being judged as a terrible housekeeper because my bedroom is still a mess from my papers and books which have gotten out of hand. I asked Daniel for a new bookshelf for Christmas. It is already up and mostly filled. 

My inner child still carries shame from my dad making her feel not good enough when the work she did was never good enough for him. My company doesn't care that my bedroom is a mess. I understand this intellectually. I know the shame is from my childhood where both of my parents expected me to do work that no one ever took the time to show me how to do. Almost everything I know how to do is self-taught. 

I also told Daniel that I was angry at Pamela for not being here to listen to me talk the feelings out so I wouldn't have a meltdown. She died in April 2015. The grief comes and goes. Sometimes it is sadness and tears. Other times, like the week before Christmas, I feel angry and cry. When I talked about the meltdown with Daniel, I could see that I was feeling shame from my inner child again. I am not sure how to heal this shame so that it stops coming up again. 

Looking back at the year of 2015 for this blog shows that I only wrote 19 blog articles which gave me a total of 459 articles since the first one on June 1, 2007. Some of the topics that I wrote about were grief and letting go; silent anger; grooming of parents and children; The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress book; resistance to writing; healing and transformation; forgiveness; our 43rd wedding anniversary; doubt and self-awareness. 

Daniel asked me a few days ago whether I had a good year in 2015. 2015 was a hard year, not bad, just full of lessons, illnesses, and the death of my best friend. Frustration and tears were a part of my year. Frustration with my own health issues kept me searching for answers that my doctor wasn't able to give me. After about two years of almost constant headaches and blurry vision, both improved dramatically after I took antibiotics for blisters on my feet. I saw four doctors before one of them finally treated the blisters so that they went away. The first doctor that I saw gave me an antibiotic because he thought I might have a staph infection in the blisters. About two weeks later, I realized that the headaches were gone. The blurry vision didn't leave until I got a new prescription for my glasses. I have astigmatism so when my eyes get tired, things get blurry but not all of the time like they were for two years. I saw three different eye doctors and none of them asked about my last prescription which I did get changed two weeks after getting it filled, with no improvement. 

2015 was a year of more frequent trips to Louisiana because of Daniel's mom's declining health. For two months, we had Daniel's middle brother and his mother both in nursing homes. Daniel's mom got to go home at Thanksgiving. His brother was supposed to but got a bad eye infection the week of Thanksgiving. He went home for a trial week at Christmas. We need to call again to see how the two of them are doing. Daniel's oldest brother has had his hands full with both of them in different nursing homes. Daniel's mom hated the one his brother was in. She wasn't happy with any of the places she stayed because they weren't home. She wanted us down there every week and it just wasn't possible. We live three hours away and Daniel is self-employed so he isn't always able to just pick up and go when the jobs are coming in. Did I mention that 2015 was a long year. When we got home from Christmas, I had a cough that has finally started to get a little better. Today I am nauseous again and have an ear ache so I know that I have fluid behind my ear drums again. Being allergic to so many antibiotics makes it necessary for me to treat as many of my illnesses as I can with other remedies such as garlic, golden seal and herbs for allergies. They work but they take longer than antibiotics. Daniel hates the smell of garlic and I have to be careful that it doesn't send my blood pressure too low. 

I know that 2016 is going to be a great year because I choose to look at my life and the world through an attitude of gratitude this year. I intend to focus more on my writing of The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress book in 2016. I let too many things slow me down in 2015. My health issues have made me more aware that our time on this Earth plane is limited. The death of my friend Pamela has also given me more awareness in that area. She was from May to December older than me. None of us know how much time we really have. I intend to use my time better this year and get my book written. 2016 is a nine year. Nine is the number of completion. Pamela taught me that. She knew a lot of numerology facts. I tend to forget most of what she taught me in that area. She loved numbers. They are not my thing. They just don't stay in my mind or memory long. What things do you want to complete this year?

I read a lot. I love books and knowledge. The internet just opens up more knowledge for me to find and love. One of the websites that I receive a newsletter from weekly is called mindbodygreen. A recent article that I really liked and am sharing here is "15 Lessons I Learned in 2015".  You will find the article are the following link:
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23107/15-life-lessons-i-learned-in-2015.html

Also from mindbodygreen, I read an article called "The Mindset Shift That Can Make Every Moment Miraculous". The link to this article is at http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23098/the-mindset-shift-that-can-make-every-moment-miraculous.html

I do believe in miracles. I see them everywhere because I look for them. Gratitude is an important part of my day. Have a glorious 2016.
Patricia

Reading Dr. Wayne W. Dyer's Memoir I Can See Clearly Now

page 365, I Can See Clearly Now, written by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer:

"Ask yourself how to fulfill your soul purpose by serving others first."

I have always known I would one day write a book about surviving and healing from incest. To me, writing is a way to tell my story and to reach out to other survivors of incest. I can help other survivors by letting them know they are not alone and that healing is possible. That is my purpose for this lifetime.

I have been reading Dr. Dyer's memoir as an assignment from Paula Balzer's book writing & selling your memoir. Ms Balzer has her students read other memoirs as a way to find their own writing style. I chose Dr. Dyer's memoir because he has been one of my spiritual teachers for a few years now and because of his recent death.  I was curious to know more about the life of one of my teachers. I have read a number of his books and seen several of his PBS specials on TV. 

Dr. Wayne Dyer was the first person that taught me to look at life's challenges as lessons to be learned. Looking at how my life has been affected by the incest and noticing my reactions has helped me figure out my patterns of behavior that I need to change. I can't change the past, but I definitely can change how I react. I can become aware of triggers and find what fears they bring up. I can, with awareness, eventually stop the triggers by working through the fears, one by one, and letting go of them. I can see the fear as coming from my inner child. I can protect her today. I can love her today.

I can see more clearly today that my abusers no longer have control over my life or who I am today. I don't have to focus on the pain of my childhood. I can look for joy in my life today and I can share that joy with others. I don't have to sit in the grief and sadness that used to rule my life, from my early childhood. 

I can find the blessings and small miracles in my day. I am here. I am alive and well. So many are not. I can look at the darkness and evil of the incest and its pain and I can see the miracle of who I have become. I can see the character and strength that the pain gave me. I can see the lessons that I have learned and I can freely share those lessons with others to lessen their pain too. 

I can see the love and light that are in my world today and I can share that with family, friends and other survivors around the world. Those are all good reasons to write my book.

Dr. Dyer tells me to, "Stay in touch with and honor the calling you feel deep within you." (page 366) My calling is to write this book and to use my words to help others. 

On page 366, Dr. Dyer says:  

"As you begin to see more and more clearly not only how and why your life took all of its twists and turns but what direction it is going to take from here on in, you will see that your soul will not ever lead you astray. This is because this is truly who you are---not your accomplishments or possessions, but that inner sense of purpose that seeks out immensity and expansion."

I am a writer. I am a willing participant in my own life. Writing my book is the next stage of breaking the silence of abuse. I am fully capable of taking this step to the end. I am a published author. I am Patricia.

Flap Copy---The Case Of The Three-Year-Old-Adulteress Book

As I begin to write my memoir, The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress, I am reading a book called writing & selling your memoir written by Paula Balzer. One of her first assignments is to write what she calls the flap copy which is a short description of what your book is about. Its purpose is to catch the attention of the reader so that they will buy the book. The flap copy is also important in marketing your book. Here is what I wrote. Know that this first copy may change or be deleted completely before the book is finished.


Why would any three-year-old call herself an adulteress? Memories are of incest and dysfunction. The effects of incest on a small child and an adult are many. Healing is possible. You are not alone. Breaking the silence of abuse is freeing. 

One out of three girls and one out of six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. Most know their abusers. Incest happens more frequently than rape from a stranger. 

What can you do to change those numbers? What are the signs of child sexual abuse? What can you do if you see the signs of abuse in a child that you know? How does a molester groom the parents and get the child to keep their secrets? These are some of the answers you will find in the book The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress.


Let me know if the flap copy caught your interest in the memoir that I am writing.  Thank you for staying with me during this process. 
Patricia

Incest Survivors Ready To Heal

Today is Day #14 and the last day of the Start Your Book Challenge on ChallengeBug. Our challenge leader was Christine Kloser who calls herself "The Transformation Catalyst." Her website is http://www.ChristineKloser.com . 

My blog post "Transformation Through Writing" came from Day #1's challenge. I will add the link to it at the end of this post in case you haven't read it already. I have enjoyed and learned from this 14 day challenge. I am still working on some of the challenges that I didn't want to rush through. I enjoy the researching as much as the writing part of some of the challenges. 

On Day #2, I was asked, Who is your ideal reader? Here is my answer.

The ideal reader for The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress is an incest survivor who is beginning to acknowledge that she/he is a survivor. This survivor wants to finally let go of the denial that they thought would protect them from the pain of awareness and memories. She/He wants to heal but may not know where to start. Fears and maybe memories are starting to surface because she/he has cracked open that door in her/his mind. Once that door is open, she/he can't close it and pretend the door was never open. She/he stays stuck in the fear and the pain or she/he moves forward. My ideal reader is ready to move forward.

For ease of writing and because more girls are abused than boys, I am going to use "she" and "her" from here on out in my article. I am not excluding boys/men. One out of three girls are sexually abused and one out of six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. I am grateful that boys/men are finally joining the ranks of female survivors in speaking out and breaking the silence of incest/childhood sexual abuse. I know, personally, the challenges and fears they face to find and use their voices. 

My ideal reader has acknowledged that she is an incest survivor, at least in her own mind. She may or may not have told anyone else yet. She probably doesn't have any idea what step to take next. Fear, rage and hurt are battling for the top position in her mind. The survivor is feeling overwhelmed, if she even knows what she is feeling. Many times feelings aren't allowed. Feelings are denied, stuffed or hidden by addictions. She may be afraid of change and some part of her is resisting those first steps. Resistance has to be faced and overcome before healing happens. Sometimes, the survivor has to hurt enough before she is willing to move forward. My ideal reader is ready to move forward.

Once feelings start, grief isn't far behind. All survivors of incest have to grieve the loss of innocence and the loss of the childhood they didn't have. Most survivors have no idea what normal is. They have never seen healthy in their dysfunctional families. Incest is only allowed to happen in an atmosphere of dysfunction. Every family member plays their part in keeping the secrets of the dysfunctional family. 

The incest survivor is usually full of rage at her abusers but probably taking that rage out on herself and those closest to her. Depression becomes a constant companion. I have seen depression defined as anger turned inward. That definition feels right to me. Often what doctors call depression may be the deep, deep sadness of grief. Survivors have so many losses to work through and let go of. I don't believe just taking a pill solves those feelings of loss. As a survivor, she has to feel her way to healing.

What is my ideal reader seeking?

Release from the overwhelming sadness, fear and rage that is inside of her is one answer. She wants the hurt to stop. Feeling and growing are the only ways that I know of to do that healing. My book The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress will take her through my own journey of healing from incest.

What transformations do I want for my ideal reader? 

I want my ideal reader to be able to experience freedom from pain, rage and sadness. I want her to be able to work her way through all of those feelings and then release them. Joy and peace are attainable goals. Learning to love herself is an important part of the healing journey. Letting go of addictions and codependency are necessary to healing. In reading my story, she will be given healing tools to use in her own journey. She will learn to express feelings in healthy ways. She will recognize the lies of her abusers and see how they may still be affecting her life today as an adult. She will find her sense of self-worth and not rely on others to get her self-worth from. She will love herself first so that she has more to give to others. She will learn that some people don't belong in her life. Some people don't want her to change or to move on. Those people will either change themselves or they will move on. 

My ideal reader is someone who is tired of hurting and ready to heal no matter how much it hurts to begin with. She is ready to step into survivor mode, ready to move forward with courage, hope and commitment. As a survivor, she is ready to strip away all denial and ready to be extremely honest with herself. She is open to change and willing to look at the source of resistance that she may feel. 

Trust is something that she will have to learn---trust of herself first and then trust of others. Not everyone deserves her trust. She must learn to trust herself and that inner voice that guides her when she is willing to listen. Part of trusting herself means learning how to shut up that mean, critical inner voice that came from her abusers. I will teach her how to use affirmations to turn that inner voice to positive and away from being negative all of the time. 

Making friends with her inner child is a very important step in healing. The inner child is the one who carries and remembers all of her pain. The inner child is the one who is so full of fear and is afraid of moving forward. All the inner child knows is the pain and fear of incest and the words of her abusers. She has to gain the trust of her inner child. Together they will grow and learn to love each other. The inner child isn't the enemy. The abusers are.

Strength and courage are both needed to take one healing step after another. The rewards of being a survivor are worth going through all of the challenges she will face along the way to healing. Healing isn't an instant cure. 

I am not a doctor or a therapist. I, too, am a survivor of incest. Today I am a thriver and I know that my readers can all accomplish what I have. I encourage you all to take that first healing step and share your story with some caring person that you trust. 
Patricia

Related Posts:

Transformation Through Writing @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2015/08/transformation-through-writing.html 

Stages Of Loss And Grief For Incest Survivors @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2014/05/stages-of-loss-and-grief-for-incest.html

Journey To Your Heart - Learning To Love Yourself After Abuse @  http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/08/journey-to-your-heart-learning-to-love.html


Denial, FEAR's Companion And BFF @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/03/denial-fears-companion-and-bff.html

Inner Child Work And Feeling Safe @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2014/03/inner-child-work-and-feeling-safe.html

The Secret---Affirmations Change Your Life @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/08/secret-affirmations-change-your-life.html

Transformation Through Writing

What transformation do you want for yourself from writing your book? This is a question from a writer's challenge class that I am taking this week. I thought I would share with you why I am writing my book The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress.

I want to write my book to help others but also for my own healing and understanding of my journey through this life. I want the final transformation from survivor to thriver to happen because of my writing of The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress. I want others to see that healing from incest and dysfunction is possible. I know that if I can do it, then others can too. I am not the only one. I also want all survivors to know that they are not alone with their pain and their rage. The pain and the rage can be felt and healed. You won't die from the pain. You won't kill someone else, as my inner child always was afraid of, if you let out the rage. You are more likely to die from stuffing the feelings and denying them because of health issues like high blood pressure and heart disease. Feeling hurts but the act of feeling also frees you.

Transformation is change and change is healthy. Healing releases all of the hurt and makes room for love and joy. I want writing my  book to be cathartic in that I can release all negativity from my mind and my body.

Writing this book will be my victory over my abusers. They will no longer rule my life. My abusers won't control me any more. This book is breaking my silence in a major life-changing way. I win. My abusers lose.

My book will be a way to face any fears that my inner child may still carry inside. Together we will confront their lies. The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress will be the ultimate act of self-love for me. This book says, "This is who I am. I am proud of me. I love and respect myself."

This is my story and I am so much more than a story of incest. I am no longer a victim of incest. I am a survivor turned thriver. I will write the ending to my story in any way that I choose. I am in control of my words, thoughts and deeds. I will listen to my inner voice and know that I can trust it because it is me, my inner wisdom, my inner Divinity. It is that spark of Spirit that has always kept me alive and moving forward, one step at a time.

The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress is my story and in sharing my story, I hope to inspire others to have the courage to share their stories and to break their silence too. Together we are strong and can one day prevent other children from being molested. We will win. We will make the world a better place.

I have always known I would write my story. Telling my story is the one way that I know to take the evil that was done to me and make something good come from it. That is important to me more than anything else.
Patricia

Silent No More---Resistance To Speaking Out

Writing my book The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress is a new step toward being silent no more. Each such step, for me, has been met by resistance, most of it internal but some of it from others.

The internal resistance can come from my inner child who is still afraid of rejection when I tell. Resistance can come from the fear of being blamed as a victim. Resistance can also come from fear of being misunderstood by others. Some question why I was silent for so long. The adult me doesn't fear any of those things but the inner child does. 

Outer resistance can come from others who want to remain in denial about incest and its long-time effects upon the survivor and her/his loved ones. I say loved ones because the incest affects those close to us. Our feelings, attitudes and reactions can affect our spouses, children and friends who live with us before and during the healing process.

Incest didn't just hurt me. My years of denial---of trying to pretend that I wasn't angry and hurting---and my years of struggling to feel again and to heal hurt my family and friends too. They had to deal with me when I was scared and when I was raging in pain in the years before I learned to control my rage and to face my fears. 

I have bumped into and faced resistance at every step of my healing journey. Feelings for an incest survivor can be extremely painful. No one wants to feel the pain. Resistance to feeling is there. 

Resistance is part of speaking out and telling others about the incest. Resistance comes from fear of the unknown. What will happen the first time you tell someone. Will they believe you? Will they hate you for sharing your painful secret because their own painful secrets are in their face?  What will happen to your abuser when you speak out? Will speaking out destroy your family or make the members stronger? Resistance comes because you often don't know the answers and that is frightening all by itself.

Telling one or two people is different than telling a group of 12-Steppers in meetings filled with 10-30 people in the room. I met resistance when my friend Slade Roberson suggested that I write a blog about being an incest survivor. I have been meeting and talking to survivors through my writing my blog for 8 years now. My 8th year Anniversary for Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker was on June 1, 2015.  During that about 4 or 5 of those years, I have used Facebook and Twitter to meet other survivors. Men survivors came into the picture and started breaking their own silences. 

Society seems to sometimes want to stay in denial of how many of us are being affected on a daily basis by incest and sexual assault. Rarely are children sexually assaulted by strangers as society wants us to believe. Most sexual assault is in the form of incest from a family member or friend who has authority over the child. Even judges and the courts resist believing the damage that can be done to a child by an abuser that the child knows and sometimes loves. This is society resisting change. Often our justice system is sadly lacking when it comes to helping a child to heal and receive some justice against the abusers. Cover-ups are resistance to seeing the truth. 

Writing my book is another instance of me facing my own resistance. My book is a further step in going public with my story of abuse and healing. What are you resisting in your life today? 
Patricia

The Case Of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress As Book Title

The tentative title for my book is The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress. That could change as I actually write the book but that is my thought for right now.

Over the weekend, I printed out the blog posts from 2007 and 2008 that might be included in my book. Those two years of posts have been divided into possible chapters.

Possible chapters are:  Introduction, Incest Story, Feelings, Change---Acceptance, Loving Myself, Inner Child, 12-Step Healing, Dad, Mom, Forgiveness, Protecting Our Children and finally Resources. Those chapter titles could change as the story progresses but this helps me to organize my thoughts for now. 

Over the next few days, I will be printing out the blog posts from 2009-2015 to be considered in telling my story of healing from incest. In 2008, I wrote over 80 articles, more than any other year that I have been blogging. 

Health issues and just living my life in general has affected how many blog articles I have written each year, with 2015 being the slowest year of all. My health seems to be better finally with not as many headaches since a doctor gave me antibiotics for a rash that I had on my feet several months ago. That makes me suspect that my headaches were allergy related with my sinuses being infected. With the antibiotics the headaches are almost gone. I have a history of sinus infections and that was the first thing that my doctor checked but she said that sinus x-rays are not reliable. Whatever the reason, the headaches are almost completely gone over the past month which is a relief after having them almost daily for about two years. I don't miss the pain at all. 

I hope you all are having a great week. We have had Heat Advisories almost every day for the past several weeks. I am staying inside out of the heat as much as possible. 
Patricia

Related Posts:

The Case Of The Three-Year-Old Adultress
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/08/case-of-three-year-old-adultress.html

Three Year Old Adultress Revisited - Inner Child Letters Series - 1
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/05/three-year-old-adultress-revisited.html

Three Year Old Adultress Carries The Shame Of Incest - Inner Child Letters Series
@ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/06/three-year-old-adultress-carries-shame.html