Sunday, December 30, 2007

Are You Judging Others As Less Spiritual Than You?

Yehuda Berg's Daily Kabbalah Tune Up on Monday, December 24, stated that "A common pitfall to avoid in spirituality is judging others as less spiritual than we are." This lesson was taught to me a few years ago and brought back to mind by this article.

Our ego likes to think it is bigger and better than others. About 2 years ago, my ego was doing some accessing of my spiritual growth and comparing it to where my husband appeared to be at the time.

My ego was feeling very smug and thinking I was so much better than my husband. Ego was patting itself on the back and laughing at Daniel, when suddenly I heard an inner voice say, "Maybe he is waiting on you to catch up to his growth level. Maybe he already did his spiritual growing in a past life and it is your turn to grow in this lifetime." What a shocking, enlightening idea!!! Ego drew back in anoyance at that idea.

I like that idea. We really don't see the bigger picture when we are comparing ourselves to others. I am grateful that Daniel has given me the space to do my own growing in my own way.

Who do you make judgments about that you are better than they are? Look deeper and see what gifts have come your way because of that person. Share those gifts with that person. Tell them how valuable they are to you. Tell them that you are grateful that they are in your life.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

"Survivor Needs" Meme List

Just before Christmas, I was tagged by Marj aka Thriver over at to participate in my first Meme. The theme is about paying attention to our needs during the holidays. Survivors are notorious for taking care of everybody but themselves. Didn't you know we are dispensable. At least our needs are. That is what I was taught as a child.

I am going to use Marj's title for my list. I am supposed to list 25 needs and 5 wants.

My Survivor Needs:
As a survivor trying to thrive:

1. I need to feel better emotionally.
2. I need to feel better physically --- no more migraines.
3. I need to stop having nightmares about being lost and snakes.
4. I need to look at the role that I play in my relationship with my brother and sister.
5. I need to look at the source of my anger and sadness.
6. I need to go to bed before 2:00 a.m. every night.
7. I need to stop eating sugar.
8. I need to control my overeating.
9. I need to do activities that are fun.
10. I need to continue to write articles on my blog about my recovery from incest.
11. I need to be more compassionate with myself and with others.
12. I need to connect more with nature to be more grounded.
13. I need to take out my inner children to play more.
14. I need to give myself the full value that I give to others.
15. I need to be more aware of my needs and work on getting them fulfilled.
16. I need to become more comfortable with the sexual side of myself.
17. I need to be in touch with all of my feelings.
18. I need to be more comfortable inside of my own body.
19. I need to remember to acknowledge the growth that I have done in the past year.
20. I need to reach out to other survivors with love and support for them and for myself.
21. I need to heal.
22. I need to love myself more.
23. I need to remember to tell my husband thanks for staying in my life through the difficult times.
24. I need to remember that others are just a mirror for what is going on inside of me.
25. I need to be more compassionate for those who are still in victim mode.

Here is my list of Wants:
1. I want coffee in the morning and afternoon and sometimes in the early evening.
2. I want chocolate.
3. I want to make everyone aware of Incest and Sexual Abuse and Child Abuse in any form so that it can stop.
4. I want my blog to be popular and have lots of subscribers.
5. I want Christmas to be a time of love and fun and joy.

I am supposed to tag 5 other survivors. The only ones I know have already been tagged by Marj. Now, I am off to read the lists written by the other 9 people that Marj tagged on her site. Thanks Marj for the opportunity for me to participate. Thanks for your continued support.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Compassion, The Ultimate Act Of Love

I have been intending to write this article for awhile and because of where I was emotionally I did not think that I could do it justice. I did not want any of my emotional upset to effect the story that I want to tell.

This is a story of compassion and love demonstrated by a simple act of kindness and caring by a husband for his wife.

The Three Monks are doing a Spread the Love Now! Group Writing Project. For the rules for submitting an article go to one of their websites.

Well, just a few days ago, I did a reading from The Healing Runes written by Ralph H. Blum and Susat Loughan. Of the three Runes that I drew, the second one was Compassion. The other two were Courage and Acceptance.

The following quote from the book may sound familiar to my regular readers because I have used it before. It is appropriate to the sharing of my story. On page 116, the book states, "It has been said that when we have compassion for one another, we shall be of one mind. For in living a compassionate life, we are practicing the Presence of God in a simple and universal way. Drawing this Rune reminds us to take time to show compassion for those we meet on our healing journey." The book goes on to say, ". . . remember to have compassion for yourself." This Rune further reminds us to look at the world through the eyes of compassion.

I drew the Rune for Compassion quite a bit while I was in India and since I have been back home. One of the best examples of compassion that I have ever seen was when I was at the ashram of Sathya Sai Baba in Puttiparthi, India.

My friend Ki does foot reflexology. She was staying near the ashram when my friend Sherryl and I arrived. Ki invited Sherryl and I to go with her to meet a couple from Austria. Ki thought that maybe Sherryl could do some healing work on the wife with her Reiki and Cranio-sacral adjustments that Sherryl is trained to do as well as being a massage therapist. I was too sick to accompany them for the first two visits.

On the third visit, I went with Ki and Sherryl to visit Hans and Marguerite. Marguerite had been paralyzed and not able to move anything except her head for over two months when we met her. She had been diagnosed with Gillian Barre Syndrome. Sherryl has known three other people who had contracted the disease back in the United States so she was able to give Hans and Marguerite some encouraging information about the disease. Two of the three people had complete recoveries from the disease. The third person was Sherryl's elderly uncle who only recovered partially. Because of his advanced age, he still walks with the aid of canes. Sherryl was able to tell Marguerite that since she was in her thirties and did not need mechanical help with breathing that she would probably have a full recovery. When Sherryl was massaging Marguerite's leg muscles, Marguerite felt pain from the muscles cramping. Sherryl was able to tell her that it was good news. Her muscles were beginning to get the feeling back in them so recovery was already beginning.

The most compassionate moment that I was blessed to be able to see was between Marguerite and her husband Hans who was her major caregiver during the entire two months that she had been completely helpless. Hans worked very hard to make sure that Marguerite was as comfortable as he could make her during this whole time. Sherryl's words gave Hans encouragement also. Hans was able to find people who could come in and do reflexology and massage to help keep Marguerite's muscles from atrophying.

As Ki was doing reflexology on Hans' feet and Sherryl was doing a massage on Marguerite's legs, I sat at their dining room table watching and holding the safe space for the healing work of the other two and sending Reiki energy to both Hans and Marguerite.

As tired as Hans was, he was always very gentle and loving towards Marguerite. She would ask a question or make a comment and he would patiently answer her. At one point, Marguerite gave a little cry of pain and then asked Hans a question. Hans gently and lovingly reached out and patted Marguerite's hand as he softly talked to her answering her question and reassuring her.

This simple act of patting Marguerite's hand was the most loving act of compassion that I have ever experienced. This simple act spoke volumes. I felt so blessed to be a part of the love and healing that took place in that small room.

That was the most beautiful experience that I had during my trip to India. I think that I have hesitated to share this experience because it was so personal and I was afraid that I would not do it justice in describing it. Three Monks, thanks for giving me a reason to make the attempt.
What better time than the Christmas season to spread some love.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Merry Christmas And Happy New Year

To all of my readers, I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Have a glorious 2008. Thank you all for your continued support and love that you have sent my way in response to my articles. Now, I am off to do my cooking for Christmas Eve with my husband's family in Louisiana and Christmas Day with my family in Texas. Love and blessings to all.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Journey Within Coaching Session With Paula Kawal

First of all, I want you to be aware of a teleclass that Andrea Hess is doing on Saturday, December 29 at 9:00 a.m. PST/Noon EST called Setting Your Intentions For 2008. Andrea says you will "Learn how to make New Year's Resolutions that actually stick!" I am looking forward to hearing what she has to say. You need to visit her site at
to register for the teleclass.

Yesterday at 1:00 p.m. CST, I was blessed with a free session with Paula Kawal which I won by leaving a comment on her article Celebrate the Wellspring and Win a Free Coaching Session found on her website . If you aren't aware or haven't visited in awhile, visit Paula at her site. You will be glad that you did. The writing and the coaching sessions that she does are fantastic.

The session that I was gifted with is called a Focus Session. The session required that I have total concentration on our phone call for 1 1/2 - 2 hours on the date that we set for me to call Paula. After I set up the time for the session with Paula, I became terrified. I struggled with the terror for days with the thought of changing the date until after the holidays. The rational side of me knew that I needed the session right now so I didn't change the date. When Paula answered her phone and asked how I was, in my usual honest manner, I said, "I am terrified." We both laughed. I told her that I had been overeating all week partly because of the terror of doing this session.

Early last week, Paula sent me a Welcome package through an email that had pages of information for me to read and fill out and fax back to her before the session. She emailed me on Saturday because I hadn't sent it to her yet. I emailed back and told her that part of me was resisting filling out the forms. I made myself sit down that night and finish the pages. I didn't completely fill out the answers. I did the best that I could and decided to leave it at that. My husband went and faxed the pages to Paula on Sunday afternoon for me.

All day on Tuesday, before time for the session, I looked at what I was thinking and feeling. Finally an hour before the session, I got an answer about my fears. Albert, part of this is thanks to an email that you sent me last week too. I realized that the anger and sadness have been a part of me for such a long time that I was afraid of who I might be without them. I didn't know who I would be without those parts of me. I shared this with Paula before we started the session.

In the session, with Paula's guidance, I was able to embrace the sadness and the rage that are inside of me. As Andrea pointed out in a comment to my Feelings article found at , I am not the rage and sadness. They are not who I am. Sometimes, I think, most of us lose sight of that and do believe that our feelings are us. They are not who we really are. They are tools that help us to be aware, but that is all they are.

At one pivotal point in the session, I found myself embracing the part of me that holds my rage in my arms. I held her with love and compassion and she started to cry and talk to me. Before I held her, she was yelling at me with all of her pentup rage. I could see her, in my mind's eye, but I couldn't hear the words that she was screaming. I told Paula that I had done a painting years ago where she was surrounded by clouds of red and black which represented her rage and despair. In the painting she had no mouth because no one could hear her screams of pain and rage.

As I held Rage in my arms, she started to cry and she told me that she just wanted to be acknowledged. She wanted to be heard. A different voice said to bring her into the Light. She has been in the darkness for so long. I envisioned her and I both standing in the most brilliant, loving light that you can imagine. She started to smile. Then the voice said to bring in Sadness also. I did. The three of us were there standing in the Light, smiling and holding each other. This was the biggest instance of healing for me in the entire session. We all three felt such love and joy. Love, joy and peace were the three things that Rage and Sadness both said that they wanted. Now we all have it.

Rage and Sadness are no longer Shadow parts of me living in the darkness. They are in the Light of my love and compassion. Thank you so very much for the gift of the session Paula. If I need any more help, I will definitely be contacting you. Paula, last night, I started straightening up in the living room to have room to put up Christmas decorations. I haven't decided yet if I want to put up the tree at this late date but I am going to put out some Christmas decorations which, up to this point, I couldn't make myself exert the effort to feel any passion for doing so.

Paula works with NLP in her sessions. For more information on Paula's work go to .

For prices for working with Paula with her Journey Inward Coaching go to .

I strongly recommend Paula and her work. The session has made a difference in how I feel. Thank you, Paula.

Monday, December 17, 2007


I am reading a book by Thich Nhat Hanh called Anger. On page 90, Hanh starts the following:

"In a time of anger or despair, our love is still there also. Our capacity to communicate, to forgive, to be compassionate is still there. You have to believe this. We are more than our anger, we are more than our suffering. We must recognize that we do have within us the capacity to love, to understand, to be compassionate."

I don't feel very loving or very compassionate right now. Those are the feelings that I need right now to feel for myself. I cried again yesterday.

I watched the movie "The Notebook." It isn't the first time that I have seen the movie. It hit me harder than the first time that I watched it. My sympathy and compassion go out to all family members who have to live through a loved one losing all their memories of their life and their loved ones. The entire story is about an older couple in a nursing home sitting and reading a story of young love. You aren't told until near the end that it is their story of love. The woman has dementia according to the doctor. Today it might be called Alheimer's. Her memory comes back for very brief periods of time where she knows who she is and who her husband is, sometimes just for five minutes and then she slips back into forgetfulness.

I would hate to forget my husband, children, family and friends. I would love to forget the incest. If I could forget, maybe I wouldn't hurt any more. Would my body still remember? Would some part of my subconscious still carry the memories of the physical and emotional pain of the worst betrayal of my life.

My eating has been out of control at night for the past three weeks. I don't eat much during the day. During the day, I eat when I am hungry. From supper (That is my Southern upbringing coming out.) on until I go to bed, I eat. It doesn't have to be sweet, but it helps if it is chocolate. Why am I overeating?

I am scared. Feelings still scare me. I am better than I have ever been before in my life about feeling and I still get frightened by them when they come up.

My mother-in-law scared me when I thought she might die. She is the only mother that I have left. I have a friend in the hospital right now who just had two major surgeries in a matter of days so there is the fear that she could still die. (I know that she could also live but that isn't my fear.) Fear isn't always rational. Most of my fears are not rational.

My anger isn't rational either. I am angry that I am still having to deal with my incest issues after all this time. I am angry at my friend who died two years ago. I am angry that I don't like my brother. I am angry that he reminds me of the uncle that sexually abused me when I was eleven years old. I am angry that I am not feeling any of that anger right now even though I know it is there still buried under the sadness that I have been feeling this month. The anger sneaks out and strikes and then goes back into hiding. I am probably the only one that it is hiding from.

I could go eat a horse right now but it wouldn't help. I know I am on the right track because tears are close to the surface again.

I hate that I am dreaming about snakes again. I know that snakes have to do with sexual energy and spiritual healing. I had a dream in which my husband Daniel bought a house and moved us into it and it was full of snakes. We had three children in the dream. My daughter's three oldest children were the children in my dream. Daniel and I were in bed in our bedroom but I couldn't go to sleep because I was afraid of the snakes in the house. I never saw any but Daniel had told me that he did. As I am busy being afraid to go to sleep, Daniel tells me that the snake that he saw in the bedroom was actually on our bed. I get more upset and tell him I will definitely not go to sleep now. I woke myself up from the dream. I got up and went to the bathroom. Then I went back to bed and went back to sleep and back into the very same dream about the snakes. Did I say that I hate dreams about snakes. I was upset when I went back to sleep and went back into the same dream after telling myself that I wouldn't.

Last night I dreamed that I was in a school as a student. I was the oldest in the class. I was at least teen-aged. All the other students were much younger. Someone broke my chair and the teacher sent me across the campus to find the repair shop to have someone come and fix my chair. Two little girls went with me. One of them went off ahead of us and we didn't see her again. The second little girl somehow hurt her foot or leg and I had to carry her on my back. She went to sleep as I got us lost. People kept giving directions but I couldn't find the repair shop. It was beginning to get dark when I decided to try to find my way back to the classroom. I woke up. I have been dreaming about getting lost a lot lately too.

If this article feels scattered and all over the place, it reflects on where I am right now. I haven't kept my writing schedule of posting on Wednesdays and Sundays because of my scattered thougths and feelings. It is difficult to write when you can't stay focused on one thing for very long. I also don't want to write unless I am being honest with myself and with you, my readers. This blog is about my spiritual journey, its ups and its downs. Right now, that is mostly down. I don't want to chase away my readers by wallowing in self-pity. I do want to be honest about what I am feeling and where I am.

That brings me to this poem that a friend gave me many years ago when I was first beginning to work on my incest issues. I don't know who wrote it. My copy is on a small card with a pray on the back of it. I will share the poem and the prayer. Here they are.

The Girl In The Glass

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you queen for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself,
And see what THAT girl has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or husband
Whose judgment upon you must pass;
The person whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful girl,
But the girl in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look her straight in the eye.

She's the person to please, never mind all the rest
For she's with you clear up to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test,
If the girl in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears,
If you've cheated the girl in the glass.

Dear God,
I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself. . . and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe this: I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. I hope I have that desire in everything I do. I hope I never persist in anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it at the time. Therefore I will trust you always, for though I may seem to be lost --- and in the shadow of death --- I will not be afraid, because I know you will never leave me to face my troubles all alone.

With that poem and prayer, I will close.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Cry When You Need To

I watched a movie earlier and I cried. What I watched isn't important. The fact that I cried is. Why did I cry?

Because it is Christmas. Because my friend Carol died 2 years ago on December 1 and isn't here when I need her. Because of the sad childhood memories that come up for me at Christmas. Because it was Pearl Harbor Day a few days ago. Because I got mad at my husband earlier tonight. Because my daughter and grandchildren live thousands of miles away in Idaho. Because my mom died Nov. 21, 1999. Because my friend Kathy was murdered the day after Christmas in 1992.

I have been reading other blogs lately who say that happiness is a decision and that suffering is optional. The wounded, hurting parts of me say _ _ _ _ _ _ _. Well, you really don't want to know what they say about happiness being a decision. I was told as a child that ladies don't talk like that.

I wanted to write some kind of article for Sunday but really didn't know what I wanted to say. I have been so tied up in emotions for the past week, emotions that I have not wanted to feel. These are emotions that come up for me every year around Christmas. Only in the past few years have I allowed myself to cry when the need grows strong in me.

What am I crying for? Christmas is a time for family. It is the time of year that I miss mine the most. Even when you grow up in an abusive home, you miss family. Often you miss what you never had---a happy home. I miss the healthy relationships that should have been between my father, mother, sister brother and me. I miss the happy Christmases that didn't happen because of the incest and the alcohol. My dad and grandfather were verbally violent alcoholics. The threat of physical violence was also there. Holidays always seemed worse.

I can hear voices saying for me to just let go of it. This happened 30-50 years ago. No matter how much forgiveness that I have done, the feelings still come up at Christmas. I don't know how to make them stop other than to feel them. That is the difficult part. Will they ever stop coming up? I hope so. I don't know if it will ever happen. It isn't as simple as telling myself that I am going to be happy this Christmas. Some Christmases are better than others.

Some of my tears have been for my friend Carol not being here. She was one of my best friends. We had known each other for about ten years. She died of a heart attack just after midnight on the morning of December 1 two years ago. They say that anniversary's of someone's death is when you miss them most. She was in my thoughts last week but the actual day passed without me recognising that it was December 1. Carol was a good listener and counselor and could help me work through my feelings to find the source of the tears, fears or anger. I am having to do that by myself this year. Earlier tonight when I was crying, I wanted to run to someone to have a shoulder to cry on when I got angry at my husband. I realized that there was no one that I could run to. In the past, I would call Carol and she would point out that Daniel wasn't being insensitive on purpose. She would point out that he probably wasn't even the person that I was angry with and most of the time she was right. I don't like having to figure out all of that by myself. As you can tell, I am not being my usual rational self.

Guess what? Feelings aren't rational. Someone earlier in the week mentioned that I might be feeling Christmas blues. I know that more suicides happen this time of year than any other time. I even thought about naming the article Christmas Blues. Suicide has never been an option for me. Some part of me says, "I won't let the bastards win." By bastards she means the ones who abused her/me. There is a defiant person inside of me who gives me the strength to never give up.

The cheerful, optimistic part of me who often wishes people a glorious day isn't in residence right now. I know she will be again, just not right now.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Limiting Beliefs May Be Holding You Back or How Incest Is Still Affecting My Life

From Your Hands Can Heal You written by Stephen Co and Eric B. Robins, M. D. with John Merryman, page 37,

"Limiting beliefs are mental judgments that we've made about ourselves, the way the world works, or the way we interact in the world based on faulty, incomplete, or improperly understood information we have received, typically in the formative years of childhood. The information can come from primary authority figures (parents, teachers, clergy) or peers (classmates, friends), or indirectly from other sources in the world (books, television, movies, advertising). This information may be true on some level. Perhaps your parents' marriage wasn't very good and loving, or you really didn't have the ability to be a dancer. The information may even be well-intended. Your father may have honestly believed he was trying to motivate you to settle for nothing less than your best efforts. The mind of a child lacks the ability to discriminate and sort through these messages, however, so these unfiltered messages impinge upon your unconscious mind and lead you to form untrue assumptions about yourself and the world. These gross generalizations become limiting beliefs, which, in some ways, are the toughest types of unconscious programming to dislodge or bypass."

Along these same lines, yesterday I read an article written by Alex Blackwell on his blog Personal Development for The Next 45 Years entitled 10 Things You Wish You Had Never Learned found at .

Well, here is my list of limiting beliefs, some of which I am still struggling to change:

1. I learned that I didn't have value as a woman except to be a sexual object.

2. I learned not to expect anything from anybody.

3. I learned that the world was a dangerous place.

4. I learned to not trust anyone, including myself.

5. I learned that God didn't care about me.

6. I learned that I could never be good enough.

7. I learned that there was no one to protect me.

8. I learned that the dark was a scary place.

9. I learned to sleep lightly.

10. I learned to pretend that I was asleep sometimes when I wasn't.

11. I learned to be afraid of sounds in the night.

12. I learned that a child's no wasn't important.

13. I learned to be quiet, to hold in the screams of pain and rage.

14. I learned that to cry was to be weak.

15. I learned to not feel.

16. I learned that what I wanted wasn't important.

17. I learned to pretend that everything was normal.

18. I learned how to escape into my mind, books and movies.

19. I learned how to disconnect from my feelings and my body in order to survive.

20. I learned to be the family hero.

21. I learned to protect my mom at all costs.

22. I learned how to be a parent to both of my parents, rather than being a child.

23. I learned that people and life will disappoint you.

24. I learned that my body wasn't mine to control.

25. I learned to lie when all that I wanted was to tell the truth.

Some of these I have worked on and healed. Some of them, I still struggle with. Can you come up with your own list? Give yourself credit for those that are no longer a problem. Look at the remaining ones and see if there are any that you want to change. Can you imagine the ways that your life will improve by dealing with your own limiting beliefs? Yes, change can be fearful, but isn't peace and happiness worth the change?

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Family Generational Patterns of Behavior

Do you have any generational behavior patterns that have been passed down through your family to you? I do.

I remember, as a teenager, becoming aware that my mother and grandmother had a love/anger relationship. I knew that they loved each other and I also knew that they were angry with each other. The anger was underneath everything they said to each other. The emotion was never acknowledged by either of them. The anger remained unvoiced between them and some how that unresolved emotion got passed down to my daughter and me. I never knew why they were angry with each other. I just knew it was there. Recently, I may have discovered a clue to the cause of their anger. Since neither of them is alive for me to ask them, my discovery will just have to remain an educated guess.

I had my own unresolved anger at my mother because of my incest issues. For many years, I didn't want to know that I was angry at my mom. I loved her. Daughters---good daughters---if they were angry with their parents didn't admit it. How could I be angry at the person who gave me life? How could I protect my mom emotionally and express any anger toward her? I couldn't. My assigned family role was to keep my mom from protected from feeling emotional pain. I couldn't do that if I was honest about my anger so I denied it to her and to myself.

When I got into a recovery program and counseling, my mom thought it was all because of my dad's alcoholism. She could deal with that. She got angry with me because she saw it as criticism of her choices as a woman---she married him and stayed with him---and her choices as a mother---she stayed because of us kids. She told me that she stayed with him for all of those years because of us kids. Mom died in 1999 without ever acknowledging that she was angry with me for bringing things out into the open.

Several times over the past years, I have realized that the cycle of mother/daughter anger has been passed down to my daughter and me. My daughter and I have had several discussions about the anger that suddenly flares up between us.

I wrote briefly about my anger that would flare up whenever my daughter would get pregnant. You can read about that in my very first article called Three Of My Past Life Experiences found at . My daughter and I have talked about it and we both now know where my unexplained, very intense anger came from. With my daughter's last pregnancy, I was at peace and did not experience any of the anger of the first three pregnancies. For me, discovering and acknowledging the source of the anger dissolved it.

Recently, in the Language of Mastery class that I took, I found what I believe is generational anger. Now, without my mother or grandmother alive to ask, this is only an assumption on my part. In the class, we had a writing exercise to do. I chose the relationship with my daughter as one of my topics to write about and discovered an "ah-ha" moment.

In writing, I realized that I sometimes feel jealous of the relationship between my husband and daughter. They love each other, as they should. That was part of the problem.

As I was deciding to write this earlier, I got another piece of the puzzle. My jealousy comes from the fact that I didn't have this kind of relationship with my dad. I always missed that healthy form of love from my dad. Father-daughter relationships are different than mother-daughter relationships. Because I never had that kind of love from my dad, I resented the love between my husband and daughter. I found another shadow part of myself for me to connect with.

How could this be a generational pattern? From the stories that I heard from my mom, I know that she and her dad were very close. My mom was the youngest of eight children. The closest to her in age was a 10 year old sister. My grandmother was in her 30's when mom was born and my grandfather was in his 50's. From what my mom said, she adored her dad and he adored her. In looking at my feelings of jealousy, I wonder if a similar feeling of jealousy was possibly behind my grandmother's anger at my mom? I can't ask either of them. I do believe this is a strong possiblity.

So here comes the conscious language:
I choose to release my feelings of jealousy and love my daughter unconditionally.
I love my daughter.
I am grateful for the loving relationship between my husband and daughter. Their relationship is healthy.
I choose to have a healthy, loving relationship with my daughter.
I release my feelings of loss with my relationship with my dad.
I love my dad.
I love my husband.
I love myself.
I love all the different parts of myself. I am whole and free of the past.
I choose to release any anger passed down to me from my mother and/or grandmother.
I love my mother.
I love my grandmother.
I replace jealousy and anger with love and joy.
I am love.
I choose to release generational patterns in any and all forms.
I embrace my shadow self and reconnect with that shadow self with love and forgiveness.
I connect with I Am That I Am.
I am whole.
I choose to feel all of my emotions. I choose to search out the source of all intense emotions and release them from my body.