Shards of Glass Book Review

I want to start this review of the book Shards of Glass, written by CW Seymore with a quote from another incest survivor that I also have read and admired, Ms Iyanla Vanzant:

"You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You will find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them."

Because of a question from a close friend - "Were you ever raped?" and her immediate reply "No - just molested" - CW Seymore started down a dark and painful road that she had never expected to have to travel, a road that lead her to healing from child abuse - physical, mental and sexual abuse including the of rape of a stranger.

A friend asked me if I "liked" reading Shards of Glass. In reading a memoir about child abuse in all of its horrible forms, how can a person "like" this book. "Like" is the wrong word. CW Seymore shows her reader exactly what she experienced and felt as an abused child whose father seemed to hate her. The horrors of child abuse are not things to be liked. This book is not an easy read. Shards of Glass is real, honest and revealing. To borrow a word from the chapters of Ms Seymore's book, you find snapshots of reality in the life of a child growing up in a very dysfunctional family.

I felt Ms Seymore's pain and her anger as she shares her childhood memories. I believe that many survivors will see parts of their stories in the pages of Shards of Glass. Thru the writing of this book, CW Seymore has added to the ripple effect caused by so many survivors who are now finding their voices to say, "The silence is broken. We will speak out and we will heal, first ourselves and then the world. We are no longer victims of abuse. We are survivors and proud of it. Either help us or get out of our way."

This is the first of a series of books to be written by CW Seymore. I plan to be in line to read everyone of them as they are written and published. I hope you will join me.
Patricia

Beyond The Tears, A True Survivor's Story Book Review

Lord, give me the right words to let Lynn Tolson know how much I appreciate her courage in sharing her story of incest, domestic violence, mental illness, addiction and then the sharing of her healing from all of those. Lynn C. Tolson is the author of the book Beyond the Tears, A True Survivor's Story. Because of the brutal honesty that Lynn uses to share her story, Beyond the Tears is not an easy read. If you are a survivor, I am putting a Trigger Warning on this book. The compassion that I feel for the child that Lynn was and the adult that she is now are beyond measure. As her title says, Lynn is a true survivor. Lynn Tolson has my admiration for what she has survived and my gratitude for writing and sharing her story of abuse, both physical and emotional.

Lynn Tolson is a survivor that I met on Twitter sometime over the past four years. I have wanted to read her book for sometime. I want to do justice to Lynn and her book. I have been having trouble writing this review and I have been working on getting my words and feelings about this book down on paper for several weeks now. Why? Because I am afraid that I won't do her book justice with my review. Reading Lynn's book was intense and caused me to numb my feelings several times while I was reading it because I am just beginning to look at my own Domestic Violence issues from my childhood. Suicide is something else that I struggle to understand. My emotions were all over the place when I was reading Lynn Tolson's book.

Beyond the Tears begins the first chapter with Lynn attempting suicide and ending up in a mental ward of a nearby hospital when she survives the attempt. Lynn's father who incested her when she was a child died from his own sucide attempt so Lynn says she was following in her father's footsteps with her own suicide attempt. I am very glad that she did not succeed, like her father did. The hospital counselor didn't do much to help Lynn but she didn't give up. With the help of a therapist trained in helping trauma victims, Lynn was able to start her healing journey which she shares in her book.

Lynn's journey to healing will inspire other survivors who are just starting out on their own journey to healing. Ms Tolson is a true survivor who has been through the Hell of anxiety, depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to become a survivor. I am amazed at the  amount of abuse that some children and adults survive. Lynn Tolson nearly didn't. Beyond the Tears, A True Survivor's Story is Lynn's story of that survival and healing from childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence. Again, thank you Lynn Tolson for sharing your book.

Here is the link to Lynn Tolson's book and blog:

http://beyondthetears.blogspot.com

Thank you Lynn Tolson for sharing your story of courage and survival and for reaching out and helping other survivors to heal.
Patricia

Resources For An Incest Survivor And Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families

All of the books listed here are books that I have used in my own healing process over the years.  Some of the first ones listed are the very first books that I found and read back in the 1990's. I checked each of them on Amazon to see if they were still available for purchase and they are. I hope that you find them as useful as I did in my healing.  They are not listed in alphabetical order. The books are listed in the order that I remember using them myself over the years.

Affirmations for the Inner Child, by Rokelle Lerner, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1990, 2010.

Believing In Myself: Self Esteem Daily Meditations, by Earnie Larsen, Simon & Schuster, Inc./Fireside, New York, NY, 1991.

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-worth, by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1987, 2010.

Compassion and Self Hate: An Alternate to Despair, by Theodore I. Rubin, Touchstone, Rockefeller Center, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY, 1975, 1998. (Touchstone is part of Simon & Schuster)

Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics), by John Bradshaw, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1988.

Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, by Charles L. Whitfield, M. D., Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1989, 2006.

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self, by Charles Whitfield, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1993, 2010.

Codependant No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself, by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, 1986, 1992.

Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time, by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, 1989.

The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series), by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, June 1990.

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives, by Pia Mellody, HarperCollins Publishers, New York, NY, 1989.

Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody, HarperCollins Publishers, New York, NY, 1989.

I Never Told Anyone: Writings by Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Ellen Bass, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1991.

The Courage To Heal: A Guide For Women Survivors Of Child Sexual Abuse, 3rd Edition by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, Harper & Row, Publishers, 1988; HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 2008.

The Courage To Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Laura Davis, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1990.

A Gift to Myself: A Personal Workbook and Guide to "Healing the Child Within", by Charles L. Whitfield, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1990.

Secret Survivors: Uncovering Incest and Its Aftereffects in Women, by E. Sue Blume, Ballantine Books, a Division of Random House, Inc., New York, NY, 1990.

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child, by Laura Davis, Harper Perennial, a Division of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1991.

These are a few of the resources that I used in the beginning of my healing journey from incest and being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  For me, the alcoholism and the incest were intertwined in my life. That is why you will find so many of these books are about codependence and working with the inner child. The inner child is the one who experienced the childhood abuse and allowed us to survive into adulthood. I will do a second list of resources soon. I hope that I haven't overwhelmed you with all of these but I had so many good resources at my fingertips in the 1990's that I didn't have in the early 1980's when I first told my husband and my sister that I was an incest survivor.  I didn't immediately start working on my incest issues or reading books about it until after I had done some work on healing from codependence and being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic because my marriage was at risk. The 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon helped me to heal enough to finally start working on my incest issues.  Let me know if you have any favorites that helped you that I don't have included here.
Patricia

Book Review of No Longer Silent By Author Tammy Gagnon

I just finished reading another survivor's memoir this afternoon.  I could relate to a lot of Tammy Gagnon's life as an incest survivor - the feelings of shame, no self-worth, fear of rejection from her parents especially her mother, anger at her abusers and anyone in authority.  I can understand the need for addictions to numb her feelings.  My addiction is food, even today.  I never did alcohol or drugs because I was too scared of getting caught.   

I can also relate to how Tammy finally had what she calls a "spiritual awakening" where she felt her connection to God, to her angels and finally to herself.  Tammy finally started to heal when she realized that she needed to love herself in order to make any lasting changes. 

The name of the book if any of you  are interested in reading it is No Longer Silent, written by Tammy Gagnon, Printed in the United States of America, 2011. In the Foreword which is written by Patrick B. McGinnis, PhD, he says that No Longer Silent "is a story of victimhood and recovery." 

Dr. McGinnis goes on to say, "A child who is sexually or physically abused suffers extraordinary additional harm.  Children who are traumatized by an form of abuse do not have the cognitive capacity to recognize that this has happened to them because the caretaker is ill or misguided, rather they come to believe that something is wrong with them; that something essential in them is missing, and they are damaged and not good enough. Some children believe they are incomplete and feel as if there is a void at the center of their being." (page 4-5)

I felt the void that Dr. McGinnis speaks about inside of myself until I started to love myself.  Many people, like Tammy, try to feel this void with alcohol, drugs and other people. Some teens have their own children early wanting to believe that a child will love them and fill the void.  Nothing fills the void until you learn to love yourself. Anything else is just a temporary fix.

I read most of the book in one day.  Tammy's book is about incest, domestic violence both physical and emotional, teenage rebellion through alcohol, drugs & running away to escape the pain of her life, having babies when she was too young, wanting to trust someone so badly that she fell for whatever lies the men in her life came up with, being hurt repeatedly by her mother whose love Tammy felt like she never had.

Tammy was taught before the age of six that her family had secrets that she wasn't supposed to tell anyone else because her mother cared more about how the family looked perfect than she did that her own daughter had been raped by her husband's father.  When Tammy tried to talk to her mother several times during her adulthood about the rape by her grandfather when she was six years old, her mother told her to stop exaggerating, that it happened a long time ago.

I want to thank Tammy for writing and sharing her story of incest and domestic violence, rape and abandonment and for sharing her story of therapy and jail time and finally healing through finding herself and loving herself. Tammy didn't want her daughters to repeat the same mistakes that she did so she decided to quit drinking and doing drugs and to be the role model that her daughters needed.  Tammy's story of incest becomes a story of triumph over tragedy instead. Thank you, Tammy for being brave enough to share your story.  You give other survivors hope that they can heal too.

Patricia 

Guest Blogger Jane Rowan and The River of Forgetting

Hope that all of my American friends had a great 4th of July.  Today I have a special treat for my readers.  I have my first ever Guest Blogger, Jane Rowan author of the book The River of Forgetting here to answer some interview questions about herself and her book.

Thank you Jane for consenting to do this written interview with me so that my readers can learn more about you and your book.  I just finished reading your book a few days ago.  Your book is an amazing tale of recovery from incest through the use of Inner Child work.  Your story shows your courage and stamina in dealing with fragmented memories and frightened inner children. I knew a little bit about your story because of our initial contact on Twitter and on your webpage.  I was curious to understand how a person with only fragmented memories, at best, could go about healing from the wounds of incest.  I have six years of memories of my own incest abuse.

Why I was interested in reading Ms Rowan's book? Because I also have clues that my incest abuse started before the age of three.  I have a very definite clue in that at three years old, I labeled myself an adulteress.  I have no memories to go with that clue showing that I might have been sexually abused early in my childhood.  I was interested to see if Jane ever got her full memories back or had to work on just the clues.  I will soon be starting my own inner child work to see what I can recover.  I know that the memories are there being held somewhere in my child's mind and in my body-memories.  Like for Jane, my memories of this early incest are held by my younger inner children.  Inner child work is often the key to healing from abuse.

Welcome to my written interview with Jane Rowan, author of The River of Forgetting.  Ms Rowan's words are shown in italics.



1.  Can you tell my readers a little about your life before the memories started to surface?

As a science professor, I was busy and successful. I loved teaching.  The politics with some of my colleagues really got to me at times, and I found myself in conflicts fairly often.  Being a strong woman in a male field isn't easy, but my need for control was perhaps a bit excessive. I was divorced, with one grown son, and my father had died just a year before the memories began coming.  I didn't feel defective but my friendships were a bit unsatisfying and I was probably uptight.

2.  What triggered your memories?

Several things, I think.  My father's death was one factor. My son was out of the house, so I had more energy to tend to my own needs. I had been in therapy for a few years, and was thinking of terminating, when my therapist asked, "So what about relationships?"

For some reason, that question about relationships really struck deep, and I admitted I didn't have enough closeness in my life. Then one day when my therapist asked about how my Inner Child was feeling, I found myself in a profound fog, really far out there and lost.  It was dissociation, of course.  Then just a few days later, I literally woke up, first thing in the morning, to the first memory.  It was a very complete sensory memory of sitting on the toilet when I was only three years old, and it hurt to pee; I could see the bathroom and where the door was, and the bathtub and the window.  I didn't know what had happened to make me hurt.  I just knew that my mother's explanation of it was wrong.  That's what started me on the "detective story of the soul" that is my life and my book.

3.  What made you decide to write a memoir?

I'd been keeping a journal for years and years already.  When these memories began to overwhelm me with waves of feelings - doubt, nausea, grief, fear, rage - I needed to write more and more just to stay sane.  After six years of therapy about the abuse, when I saw light and joy coming into my life, I experienced such a wave of gratitude that I wanted to celebrate my work in therapy, the amazing process that it can be, and my therapist's skill and care.

It seemed natural, even mandatory, to write it out and share it.  Of course, as I wrote I experienced the feelings over again and understood more and more, so the book has layers of meaning for me and , hopefully, for the reader.  Readers tell me it takes them inside the therapy process as no other book does, and helps them see from the inside what the transformation can be like.  Although survivors' experiences differ, many of the emotions and reactions are the same.

4.  Give us a brief preview of your book.

My memoir begins at that moment when I woke up one morning with the memory I described to you above.  For the first year, I wrestled with daily doubts that anything could have happened within my loving, eccentric family.  Fortunately, I already was seeing a terrific, empathic therapist who was my lifeline through all of this.  As I delved into my past, I remembered snapshots of childhood memories of boat trips and daily life and endearing oddities, but also my father's affairs and strange things he said about sex. Then a specific body-memory came to me and whirled me into nausea and confusion.  It had no visual components but it was vivid and compelling. I could not have made up a flashback like this.  It was awful.

I found myself incredibly angry at my mother for her passivity that enabled my father to abuse me.  Then as she aged and was dying, I had to decide whether to confront her. Incidents at work brought out my latent anger and I learned to apprciate its positive power.  There was a creepy year in which a stranger sent obscene harassing letters to my workplace, in an intense reminder of the abuse.  Through all these life-events I continued to make sense of my early trauma and to befriend and care for the young self, my inner child, who had lived through and repressed the incest.  Gradually I came to feel love, joy and creativity in ways that were really new in my life.  And writing the book itself brought me to a new level of creative expression, catapulting me into retirement.

Thank you Jane for giving us insights into yourself, your journey through healing the pain of yourself and your inner children and your book.  I appreciate the the fact that you speak out about incest and the issues that go hand in hand with incest.  Gladly I will recommend this book to my friends.  As more of us speak out about our own abuse issues and how we healed ourselves, we give others the courage to start their own healing journeys.

If you are interested in knowing more about Jane Rowan and her book The River of Forgetting, you can go to the links that I will provide below.  The first link that I am sharing was from a radio interview that Jane did sometime last week. I hope that you will take the time to listen to this informative interview.


A BOOK AND A CHAT WITH STORYHEART
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/across-the-pond/2011/06/28/a-book-and-a-chat-with-jane-rowan

The River of Forgetting: A Memoir of Healing from Sexual Abuse
http://riverofforgetting.com/

Website
http://janerowan.com/

Blog
http://janechild.blogspot.com/

Again, thank you Jane for approaching me about this Guest Blogger article.  I appreciate the struggle that you went through to share your story and your book with other survivors of childhood sexual abuse. In sharing our experiences with incest and our healing journey out of incest, we help other survivors to know they are not alone and that they too can heal.
Patricia

Today Is Father's Day

A part of me really doesn't want to write this post.  I thought I would write it last night but that didn't happen. To postpone writing this, I spent time on emails and reading blog posts that others have written on Father's Day.  Last night I was on Facebook and became involved in a conversation that turned out to be over 60+ comments long about fathers and incest.

What I am feeling right now - fear, confusion, anger, sadness, grief - all started just before Mother's Day.  I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions since then - up and down and scattered all over the place and when things got too intense eating uncontrollably at night.  I have no problems with overeating in the daytime.  It always starts after 6:00 p.m.  I just got the thought "That was when Daddy got home from work.  That was when the fear and tension walked into the house.  Would it be tonight? Would he find some trip back to town was needed to pick up something that he forgot?"  I always had to go with him and that meant sex in the truck on some isolated road or field before we would go back home. I would feel sick to my stomach before and afterwards.

My son just called to wish his dad Happy Father's Day.

My mother never questioned why my dad couldn't go by himself or why I was always the one who had to go with him.  I was the oldest but men usually do father son things.  My brother was only a year and a half younger than me.  By the age of 9 or 10, he should have been doing things with his dad. We were grown and I was away from home before that happened.  I can only imagine how my brother felt, aways being ignored.

My stomach is tied in knots and I am feeling nauseous right now.

I recently decided to do some inner child work again to see if I had any open wounds left that needed to be healed.  I bought a book which has mysteriously disappeared this morning.  I have searched the house twice for it.  The book is a workbook by Cathryn L. Taylor.  I think the title is The Inner Child Workbook, if not it is something similar to that.  I have been reading just a few pages each night.  I haven't gotten to any of the exercises yet.  I guess the fact that I have "lost" the book tells me that one or more of my inner children are afraid to do the exercises.

My feelings and thoughts are really scattered this morning.  Part of me wants to hide from the world until today is over.  Another part of me is mad as Hell that I am feeling all of this again.  Another part wants to go eat and never stop.  A part of me wants to throw up.  Another part is getting a headache.  These are not separate identities like with DID or multiple personalities.  These are all my wounded, scared inner children.  All of us who were wounded by incest or any form of child abuse has these inner children.  They are the parts of us that stop developing at certain times in our lives when the abuse was happening. 

Doing inner child work means going back through each developmental stage of life to find out what needs to be learned to finish each developmental stage of childhood.  What inner child needs to be nurtured and taught to trust the adult me?  Which ones need to be loved and hugged and played with?  Which ones need to know that they can't control the adult me with temper tantrums or other childlike behaviours when we are in crisis mode.  The adult me needs to be the one in control during a crisis in order to keep all of us safe.  I need to learn to love them and trust them as much as they do the adult me.

I am going to try an experiment right now, totally unplanned previously.  The adult me is going to step out of the way and let one or more of my inner children tell you their thoughts about our father and Father's Day.  Here goes.


Tears.  Anger.  Rage.  Sadness.  Crying inside with tears coming to the surface. 

Tears because daddy didn't love us or he wouldn't have hurt us.  Anger because we are supposed to honor daddies on Father's Day.  (Having difficulty letting go of the control and letting the words flow.  Husband just came in and interrupted thoughts.)

Rage because anger is too tame a word to use for what I am feeling.  Overall sadness which has been with me, it seems like forever.  (Husband goes back to work in an hour.  Will come back and finish this when I am alone and it is quiet again.)

In that hour I found THE INNER CHILD WORKBOOK:  What to do with your past when it just won't go away written by Cathryn L. Taylor.  I asked my Higher Self where the book was after searching the house twice trying to find it.  I immediately picked up some papers next to my computer and the book was under them.

I don't know if I even want to go back to the exercise that I started above or not.  I bet you are thinking "Just get on with it."

Dear Daddy, you were never the daddy that I needed you to be.  One of my earliest memories of you is of you making my little brother who was less than 2 years old smoke a cigar until he was so sick that he was thowing up.  You said it was so that he wouldn't smoke when he got older. You laughed and thought it was funny.  Even at 3 or so, I didn't laugh or think it was funny.  You were mean to him and scarey to me.  I thought you would make me smoke a cigar too but you didn't.  I didn't like you for making my little brother sick. Daddies aren't supposed to do things like that.

During that same time period I remember my brother sleeping on an army cot in the same room where I slept at the foot of the bed with you and momma at the top of the bed.  What was that all about? Was I in the bed when you and momma had sex?  Did you fondle me during the night after momma was asleep?  Is that part of the mystery that I don't remember?  That I have forgotten on purpose in an effort to protect 3 year old me from dealing with something that was just too big for a 2-3 year old to survive in her mind.  Why did my 2-3 year old mind shut out any memories of sexual abuse?  What was too painful for that child me to be able to remember and deal with?  This is where the sadness, grief, fear and anger is coming from.

I hurt but I don't know why.  Inside the child of less than three hurts and cries and wonders why no one loves her or protects her from you or whoever else hurt her.  The memories are locked away.  They do exist in some area of my body or mind.  They are why the three-year-old called herself an adultress. This is hard to write and I know that I am still keeping some distance between me and all of this.  Some part of me is not willing right now to get any closer to the feelings or the memories that those inner children still carry to this day.  The body is still holding on, also afraid to feel the pain of those childhood days.  Instead the body gets an upset stomach, indigestion, ulcers, coughing attacks, headaches because it doesn't know how to let go.  It is more afraid of being empty without the stuffed feelings.  It is so easy to just disconnect from it all rather than feel the emotions.  I am surprised that it still hurts so much.  That is all that I can write today.  The adult me is too afraid of what the inner children might reveal.  The adult me doesn't feel very strong just now. 
Sorry,
Patricia

After Effects Of Sexual Assault

One of several books that I am currently reading is called Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault written by Justin S. Holcomb & Lindsey A. Holcomb, Crossway, Wheaton, Illinois, 2011, page 40.  I want to share a quote from this book with you.

"Because sexual assault is always traumatizing, victims are three times more likely than nonvictims to suffer from depression, six times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, thirteen times more likely to abuse alcohol, twenty-six times more likely to abuse drugs, and four times more likely to contemplate suicide."

The Holcombs got these figures from the following source:

National Center for Victims of Crime and Crime Victims Research and Treatment Center, Rape in America: A Report to the Nation (Arlington, VA: National Center for Victims of Crime, 1992).

I am glad that someone is finally doing studies and coming out with statistics on sexual assault.  Maybe someone will read these statistics and decide today that sexual assault, which includes rape and incest, has to stop.  More people need to take action to stop these statistics from being true. Start out by not blaming the rape victim for their own rapes.  Many children don't tell about their own sexual abuse situations because they are afraid for their safety and because they are afraid they won't be believed.  So many children who do tell are blamed for their own abuse.  Help me spread the awareness that sexual abuse has to stop.
Patricia

From Tracie Posts October Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

Thanks to From Tracie for hosting this month's October Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse.  You will find the post at the following link:

http://www.fromtracie.com/2010/10/october-blog-carnival-against-child.html

Three of my recent blog articles are included in the post this month.  I hope you will join me in going to read about the stories of other abuse survivors who are brave enough to tell their stories and help to break the silence of abuse.  You will find some very courageous and healing bloggers who I admire and sympathize with in their journey toward wellness.  Thanks to all of you.
Patricia

Repeating The Effects Of Growing Up In A Dysfunctional Home

Becoming Your Own Parent, The Solution for Adult Children of Alcoholic and Other Dysfunctional Families , written by Dennis Wholey, Bantam Books, New York, New York, January 1990.
This book was first published by Doubleday in October 1988. 

This is one of the many books that I read back in the early 1990's that helped me to grow so much in my beginning years of recovery.  I gave my original copy of this book away years ago to someone else that I thought would find the information useful.  Sometime in the past year, I found my current copy in a used book store.  I haven't checked with Amazon to see if you can still get the book or if it is out of print.

You will find me quoting from this book for awhile longer yet as I continue to read through it.  Here is some more information that I found in the book that I thought you might find as valuable as I did back in the 1990's and still find very useful today.

page 182-183: 
"People coming out of a dysfunctional home always feel unlovable.  They feel they have been loved for the role they play, not for who they are.  You are only capable of re-creating with another human being the nature of the relationship you have with yourself.  If you punish yourself, you will punish your love partner.  If you hate yourself, you will end up hating your love partner.  If you are afraid of yourself, you will be afraid of your love partner.  A person is incapable of establishing a level of intimacy with another human being that is greater than the level of intimacy he or she has with himself or herself.  You can't go out and find intimacy.  What you can do is adopt a policy of attraction, and who you are limits who's going to be attracted to you.  A woman who needs to be victimized will attract a brutalizing man.  Healthy people attract healthy partners."

My very first date was when I was 19, two years after I had stood up to my dad and said no more sexual abuse is going to happen.  I was still living at home and going to a small junior college near by.  I had a crush on the guy for a year before he finally asked me out.  Even though I was no longer being sexually abused, I was still in victim mode.  I had three dates with this young man.  The first one was the only one that I asked permission from my parents.  The next one I went to spend the night at a girl friend's house and went on the second date from there.  Even though I was 19 and legally an adult, my dad was still telling me what I could do and what I couldn't.  I let him because I wasn't strong enough to do otherwise.  I was 19 but still very immature from never being given choices as a child.  I was also emotionally stuck at 11 years old or younger because of the incest.  I knew none of this when I was 19.

I thank God today that this young man did not ask me to marry him.  If he had, I would have said yes because I thought I loved him.  His version of love was the same as my dad's.  I was someone that he could control.  I would do whatever he said.  When we had sex, I let it happen rather than saying no.  To me, sex was love since that is what my dad had told me for all of my childhood years.  I believed him.  I thought if I said no that he wouldn't "love" me. 

Today I know that sex isn't love.  It can be a part of love but just the act is not love especially if it is abusive too.  Sex with this young man was abusive.  I didn't complain or say no because I didn't know how to be anything else but a victim at that time in my life.  On that first date, we went to his younger sister's where he borrowed some of her clothes for me to wear on our date.  According to him, I wasn't dressed good enough for our date.  I said nothing and went along with it even though my feelings were hurt.  I was proud of the pants suit that I had put together from the few clothes that I had.  Pants suits had become popular for girls to wear in the late 1960's.  This was his first controlling behavior toward me.

Why didn't I ask my parents before going out on the second date?  Because I knew instinctively that my dad hated this young man that had the courage to come and ask for that first date.  I didn't realize at the time that the two were probably jealous of each other.  Both sensed the predator in the other.  Both sensed the controller in each of other.  They were very much alike. They both wanted to control me, not love me.  I just didn't know it at the time.  If we had married, I would have gone from one dictator to another.  With this new dictator, there would have also been physical abuse, not just sexual abuse.  At one point during that first date, the young man made the statement that he really ought to just take me away from my dad.  He said it joyfully and spitefully.  I sensed that something was wrong but didn't know what.  Some part of me was afraid of this young man, but then again, that was familiar to me.  I was afraid of my dad.

The last date we had, I was away at college.  I was still 19 or maybe had just turned 20.  We went to a drive-in movie, my first since I was about 5 years old.  We spent most of the time wrestling in the front seat of his car because I said no to sex.  By then, I had grown a little and was no longer content to be abused or to call sex love any longer.  I had been away from home for a few months.  I had gone through a summer away from home and the influence of my parents.  I loved the freedom to explore what I wanted for myself.  I knew I didn't want to be abused any longer.  I was a long way from knowing who I was but I was able to set a few small boundaries for myself - not being abused or sexual with this person was one of those first boundaries.  He didn't ask me out for another date after that night.  Thank you God.

I would have followed a path similar to the path my sister chose if I had continued to date this young man and married him.  I would have been a battered woman because at that point in my life I didn't know that I deserved better.  Only through the Grace of God did I not go down that path in life.

I was a long way from leaving the victim role behind but still beginning to feel better about myself.  I was at the point where I thought if I wasn't living at home that I could ignore the incest and that meant I wasn't still being affected by it.  I could pretend that was true.  I wanted so badly to be happy and to be free from my past that I pretended that it just didn't happen. It seemed to work for awhile.  Reality is pretending never worked but I continued to lie to myself anyway.  Another familiar pattern, everyone else lied to me so why shouldn't I lie to myself.  I just wanted to be happy and to fit in.

The next date that I attracted into my life was an alcoholic like my dad.  We only dated a few times.  I didn't know at the time that he was an alcoholic.  He dated me for a short time after he and his high school sweetheart broke up.  They went back together sometime after our few dates and eventually married.  Today he is divorced.  Does he still drink?  I have no idea.  Again, I thank God that our paths divided and he went one way and I went another.  Why was I attracted to him?  Probably because he was an alcoholic and that was familiar to me.  It wasn't what I wanted in my life but it was familiar.  I didn't see the signs.  I didn't know about all of the drinking he was doing at the time.  We don't see what we don't want to see.  Because it is familiar, we are attracted to it.  That is why many Adult Children grow up to become alcoholics themselves or they marry them.

By the time that I met my husband, I knew that I didn't want to marry an alcoholic.  Instead I married another Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  Neither of us drinks.  I don't drink because I saw the consequences of living with my dad and my grandfather and their drinking when I was a child.  Drinking scares me.  The thought of losing control like my dad and grandfather did scares me.  My husband doesn't drink because he can't.  It puts him to sleep.  He must be one of those Adult Children that is allergic to alcohol.  For whatever reason, I am grateful.

Well, when I sat down to write this post, I thought I would just give you the quote and leave it at that.  I am glad that the thoughts started pouring into my mind.  I think that the words are much better when you can back them up with personal experiences.  It also helps me to make the connections for myself as I write to you.  I think we all learn much more from the experiences shared.  Hope you are all having a glorious weekend.
Patricia

"Freedom's Just Another Word" Book Review

Freedom's Just Another Word is an inspiring book written about a very important part of the path to recovery for the author Dan L. Hays. [ http://www.danlhays.com/freedom.html ]

Freedom's Just Another Word, by Dan L. Hays, Virtualbookworm.com Publishing Inc., College Station, TX, 2008.

Dan Hays and I first connected on his blog Thoughts Along The Road to Healing, Overcoming the Effects of Growing up in an Alcoholic Family.  There I read about Dan's Tiger Dream. [ http://danlhays.wordpress.com/2009/10/28/talk-of-tigersthe-tiger-unveiled/ ]

By the time that I read a second article that Dan wrote about his Tiger Dream and labeling the Tiger as his rage,  [http://danlhays.wordpress.com/2010/03/19/healing-my-anger-defusing-a-time-bomb/ ] I was ready to order Dan's book and read it.

In Freedom's Just Another Word, Dan retraces some of his childhood memories of places he lived which in turn brought up forgotten or blocked memories of his childhood---things Dan wasn't even sure that he wanted to remember.  Want to or not, Dan knew that he needed to remember these memories to release the blocks that were killing him and blocking his potential success in life and his career.

The memories that Dan recovered initially brought up a lot of pain and terror to Dan's mind and body.  Those memories brought out rage over incidences in his childhood, anger at his dad and at God.  Something that my own path has shown me is that we often label God with the same beliefs and feelings that we have from and toward our own Earthly, human father.  Dan saw his human father Ben as being punishing, unforgiving, and uncaring.  Dan saw God in the same harsh light.  In remembering his childhood, Dan discovered an alcoholic father who beat young Danny when in an alcoholic blackout which means that Dan's father had no memories of the beatings afterwards.

Since I found Dan's blog Thoughts Along The Road to Healing and the story of Dan's Tiger Dream, I have felt a strong connection to Dan and his journey through recovery.  Since reading his book Freedom's Just Another Word, the connection has grown even stronger.  Like Dan, I often questioned my connection to God.  We both thought God was punishing us for being bad children.  We thought that God had turned His back on us because of the shame we carried.  Like me, part of Dan's journey took him face to face with God and his anger at God.  We both came out the other side knowing that God was taking care of us all along.  God is always understanding and doesn't kill you if you get angry at Him.  He welcomes your rage as much as He welcomes your prayers and praise.

Reading Dan's book has brought up more feelings, memories, and a dream for me to process.  So much is going through my mind right now that it will take some time for me to sort it out and understand.

Here is part of a comment that I left on Dan's blog article "Healing My Anger - Defusing a Time Bomb: [You will find the link to this article already in my post.] 

"You [Dan] are so very brave to do all of the hard work that you have done on your issues.  Your book is going to cause me to go back and peel some more layers off of some of my own issues.  I am in awe of the healing that you have done.  I am going to have to start using my sponsor [Al-Anon] more to do some more intense work of my own that I have been afraid of doing by myself.  You are truly blessed by the ACA [Adult Children of Alcoholics] friends that you have.  I haven't had that for a very long time."

Dan, when I read the last page of your book, I did not want the story to end.  Thank God that you are writing more books about your remarkable, truly amazing journey through recovery.  Thank you for sharing all of your pain, fears, and triumph over the family disease of alcoholism.
Patricia

Dreams About Tigers---What They Mean To Me

I recently read an article called "Talk of Tigers/The Tiger Unveiled" and watched a video about his dream about tigers that was written by Dan L. Hays at his blog Thoughts Along The Road to Healing. I ask that you watch the video first. You will find it at the following link:

http://www.youtube.com/user/fhs1968writerman#p/a/u/0/ary8eVG_e94

After you have watched the video, then go to the following link to read Dan's article about the dream:

http://danlhays.wordpress.com/2009/10/28/talk-of-tigersthe-tiger-unveiled/

Then come back here and finish reading my article. I will wait on you to return. Be sure to read the comments at the end of Dan's article and video.

Why is reading about Dan's Tiger dream so important to me? Because I have my own Tiger dream which started having sometime after my 7th birthday. How do I know how old I was? Because the house that is in my dream was the house that my grandmother lived in when I was 7 years old. She only lived there for a part of that one year.

Before I go any further, I want to tell you my Tiger dream. I have briefly mentioned it in a few of my past articles. Here it is:

I am about 7 years old and I am alone in my grandmother's house. No one else is around. I am frightened. There is a huge golden and black striped tiger walking around outside the house. As he walks completely around the house, I follow him from door to window to window watching him. He is talking to me as we both walk. He says in this really deep voice, "I am going to eat you." He keeps talking and telling me this over and over again as he walks around the house looking for a way to get inside. I make sure that each door and each window is closed and locked. I am so afraid. I don't know how long the dream goes on before I wake up terrified. I don't go back to sleep for a very long time afterwards.

I dreamed this dream quit often over the years of my childhood and young adulthood. I can't tell you when I had this dream last. It was sometimes after I started the 12-Step programs of Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics. It was always the same, never changing any of the elements of the dream. I was always terrified, even as an adult when I had this dream. I was always around 7 years old in the dream.

I know that for me to always be 7 in the dream that some kind of developmental stage stopped for me at that age. I don't know why that year is so important for me. I have always known that something monumental happened that year without knowing what it was. As I said in my comment to Dan's article, I can still see the dream in my mind so clearly after all of these years.

I never could figure out what the tiger stood for in my dream. When Dan said that his Tiger represented his rage that was buried way below the surface and was even hidden from him, I felt chills going through me. I recognised that as a truth for me as well. Dan said that the Tiger (his rage) was dangerous to him and anyone who got close to him. My rage was very much like that when I was in denial of its existence. I would suppress my rage as long as I could. Do you know how much of my energy was wasted suppressing that rage? Because of it, I was so tired all of the time for many, many years. As a young child, I knew what bone-weary tired felt like.

Dan said that his legacy of rage came from his father. I think that my dream took place in my grandmother's house because family was probably where my legacy of rage came from. My grandmother was a quiet person. My mother was in denial of all of her feelings. As a teenager, I figured out that my mother and grandmother were quietly angry with one another. I never knew why. If I had asked either one, they would have denied it. Do you know how destructive silent rage can be? I suspect that the anger had something to do with my grandfather. He died when I was 2 years old. My mother was the baby of the family and extremely spoiled and protected by her daddy. I wonder if the anger between my grandmother and mother was possibly jealousy because of that attention that my mother got from her father. All 3 are dead now so I have no one to ask about it.

The denied rage could also have come down from my grandfather and his parents. When my grandfather was just a baby, his mother left him and his father and ran off. My great-grandfather was so angry that he would never tell my grandfather his mother's name. He grew up never knowing anything about his mother or her family. When my grandfather would ask about her, his father would not answer. He refused to talk about her at all. When my grandfather was 10 years old, his father died and left him to be raised by neighbors who took him in. Since he died when I was 2 years old, I don't know if my grandfather carried the rage of his father forward into the next generation or not.

Just like alcoholism, which is rampant in my dad's family background, rage was be passed down the generations. My dad's grandfather was well known for being a mean S.O.B. He wasn't nice to his wives or children. His first wife died shortly after childbirth and he wanted to bury the baby girl with her. He apparently didn't think much of girls. A neighbor took the baby girl and raised her. His second wife divorced him and got a restraining order against him in the early 1900's. She kept the 5 children that they had together. My great-grandmother was his 3rd wife. She left him after he tried to poison her several times. When my great-grandmother died in the 1920's, both of their sons went to live with their dad. He was well-known for beating his animals also. Would you say that he probably had a rage problem too?

I know that I suppressed my own rage for many years, denying its existence in every way possible. I stuffed my feelings with food and still do to a smaller degree. I refused to acknowledge its existence. If you asked me, I would have said that I wasn't angry. Good little girls, respectful of their parents and all adults, didn't get angry, much less feel rage. My dad was a rageaholic. I knew what it looked like. I didn't want to feel that way too. It hurt too much. I didn't like my dad when he was raging. He was very abusive when he was raging. I didn't want to see myself as that way, capable of hurting myself and others that same way that my dad did.

As I have said before, I was like a pressure cooker who occasionally blew my safety valve when the stream became too great from stuffing the rage. When I was raging, like my dad, I felt no compassion for anyone. I took no prisoners. Fear was the monster that fueled my rage. Fear was also what kept me from facing my rage. I thought that anger and rage were the same thing and always very dangerous. My dad's rages were always dangerous. Rage always came with the threat of violence. For many years, I was afraid that if I let my rage out that I might kill someone with its intensity.

Except for in my dreams, I have never been afraid of Tigers. To me they are the most beautiful creature that God ever created. Have you ever seen a color more beautiful that they golden orange color of Tigers? Have you ever seen a creature more powerful and majestic than a Tiger? A Tiger reminds me of how powerful I can be as a creation of God. A Tiger bows down to no man. A Tiger is a victim to no one.

A Tiger, to me, represents the strength that I needed to overcome the effects of incest on my life. I have pictures and a small stuffed Tiger to remind me of the beauty and power of Tigers. As Dan said, Tigers spend most of their lives alone. I can relate to that also in that I have felt alone for much of my life, separated from others because of the lack of trust and fear of abandonment that I lived with for so many years because of the incest.

Thank you, Dan Hays, for your video and article on your Tiger dream. Dan and I have had a few conversations about the uncanny similarities between us that have come out from his sharing his Tiger dream. I look forward to reading more of Dan's blog articles and future discussions. I look forward to reading Dan's book The Tiger Unveiled when he finishes writing and getting it published.

Dan also has a Radio show called "Minute to Freedom" with Dan Hays that you can find at the following link:

http://www.radiokevin.com/minutetofreedom.htm

I haven't listened to any of the radio programs yet, but I am excited to hear them soon. Now I am off to read some more of Dan's blog articles. I hope that you will join me. Have a glorious day of exploring your world.
Patricia

Fear Of Rejection Makes You Afraid To Ask For Help

Why after all these years does fear of rejection still have such a strong hold on me? Why do I still expect you to hurt me by either saying no or by ignoring me if I ask you for help? Why is this so common a fear in our society?

I realized that my lesson last week was to show me that I still have trouble asking for help. I went to an Al-Anon meeting this week and the topic of discussion was grieving, taking care of ourselves and asking for help. I wasn't surprised to see that almost everyone in the room said they had trouble asking for help.

The book that the discussion came from is one of Al-Anon's newest additions: Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses, Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, Virginia, 2007. This book was written by Al-Anon members about the grieving process and the losses that happen from living with the family disease of alcoholism.

In my head, I know that I am worthy of asking for help. Someone said this in the Al-Anon group and I have also heard it in my grieving class. When you don't ask someone for help, you are robbing them of the experience of feeling good about themselves by reaching out to help you. It makes sense. I know that it is how I feel when I help others. Still it is difficult for me to say that I need help. It is hard to allow you to see my vulnerabilities. When I am vulnerable, I am wide open to being hurt by you. That fear is so difficult to get past.

Someone recently was talking about his own ability to grieve and said that he couldn't grieve, that he didn't know how. I have heard many old-timers in 12-Step groups talk about being on the "pity-pot". That makes me angry when I hear someone say, "Get off your pity-pot." To me, legitimate grieving is not being on a "pity-pot." Being on a "pity-pot" isn't going through the grieving process. It is using feelings and tears to attract attention to yourself because you don't know any other way to get attention. Most of us probably know a drama queen or two. For them, you never see an end to their grief. It never goes away and they never take any steps toward healing. With their tears and drama, they demand your attention. Their grief never gets resolved. It just goes on and on ruling their lives and the lives of anyone who will listen.

I have never read anything on the topic of "pity-pots." This is just my observations about it. I could even be wrong. This is just what I have observed. Some people may see me as a drama queen who can't seem to let go of my grief. I am often surprised at how other people see me. Hopefully, I am not staying struck in the grief. I do know that you have to move through grief for it to finally go away. Ignoring grief doesn't make it disappear. I know because that was what I did for many years.

Craig Harper wrote an article this week called "Unlearning" that talks about the beliefs that we have learned and how we need to unlearn some of them. You can find this article at the following link:

http://www.craigharper.com.au/personal-development-life-lessons/unlearning/

Craig leaves you with a list of questions to ask yourself about the beliefs you have about yourself and your life.
Patricia

Love And Incest---My Mother

The Ultimate Betrayal, The Enabling Mother, Incest and Sexual Abuse, by Audrey Ricker, PhD, See Sharp Press, Tucson, Arizona, 2006, page 167:

"This book is about your mother's role in your sexual trauma. But it's also about all of the feelings relating to your abuse, impulses resulting from it, and reactions to it that you weren't expecting."


This area of healing is probably where I have done the least amount of work. Why, because of my fear of seeing my mother for what she was---the parent who did nothing to prevent the incest from happening. As a woman and mother myself, somehow my mother's role in the abuse is worse than the actual physical abuse from my dad.

My mother played the passive role of the parent who enabled the abuser mostly by sending me places with my dad. My mother didn't openly abuse me like my dad did. She just didn't object when he took me places instead of taking my brother with him. She ignored signs that said something was wrong. She ignored my occasional pleas to stay home. I didn't often have enough courage to object. I usually just did what I was told by both of my parents.

As a child, I needed to be able to tell myself that at least one of my parents loved me. Since my dad was the one hurting me with the sexual abuse, my only choice was to believe that my mom loved me no matter what.

As a child, I told myself over and over again, "I know she loves me. She just doesn't know how to show me." You see. My mother was always emotionally unavailable. At some point in my childhood, I quit calling her "Mother" and starting calling her "Mom." She wasn't my mother as much as I wanted her to be. I was hers. I was the one who nurtured her by being sure not to upset her because she had an unspoken rule that said, "Do Not Disturb."

That "Do Not Disturb" rule is one of the reasons that I didn't tell her about the incest when I was a child and young adult. The second reason was my fear of being judged and condemned by her. She would have said I was bad. If she knew about the incest, she couldn't love me. I needed her to love me too much to chance telling her about the abuse. So I kept silent. I didn't disturb the silence of her inner world. She didn't hear my inner screams or feel my inner hurt and rage. She didn't see my outer sadness. She didn't hear my outer sighs which were the only sign of my inner turmoil.

My mother was emotionally unavailable. She was silently angry. She was always lost in her cigarettes, coffee and romance novels. She was passive-aggressive with her anger. She knew how to use silence to let you know that she was angry. If you asked if she was angry, she would deny it. You could see the anger and judgment in her eyes and how she tightly held her body.

I learned to read body language early on to tell if I needed to stay out of the way of either of my parents. This was just one of the lessons that my parents taught me about Life.

The Ultimate Betrayal, The Enabling Mother, Incest and Sexual Abuse is the only book that I have read that goes into detail on the part of the enabling mother and the roles that she played. What I learned from reading this book is that my mother could have been much, much worse that she was. I caught small glimpes of my mother in some of the examples shared in the book but I didn't really find her there as I was afraid that I would. My mother just wasn't there in my life. She was an empty body with no emotional attachments.
Patricia

What Are You Feeling?

From Reclaiming Our Days, Meditations for incest survivors, by Helena See, A Fireside Parkside Meditation Book,1993, page for December 1:

" 'Feel the feelings.' 'Release the pain.' What do these mean? How do we do that exactly? We're lucky if we can even identify the feelings we're having, since we're so used to stuffing and ignoring them.

We keep the tears and anguish so bottled up inside that suddenly we can't hold them in any longer. We cry uncontrollably, or rage spontaneously, or tremble in fear, or wake up sweating in the middle of the night, or get hysterical giggles over nothing. These are the body's way of releasing pent-up feelings. We can help stay in balance by letting these out regularly rather than waiting until we explode.

We don't need to be afraid of releasing these feelings. We have so often confused the releasing of the feeling with the feeling itself. But there's a huge difference. The feeling is something we carry with us, that gnaws at our gut. It's always there, sometimes in our awareness. Many times we are only aware of it when it has built up to the exploding point.

Releasing these feelings helps us heal. It's built into our human system as part of the hardware; it's how we work. Release doesn't cause the pain; holding it in causes the pain. Releasing is healing.

I will welcome the healing of my tears, rages, trembles, and laughs."


Learning to recognise what I am feeling has been some of the hardest work that I have done. It isn't finished yet. I still sometimes don't recognise my feelings for what they are. Sometimes I still can't tell you what I am feeling especially in times of stress. Sometimes when I get a headache then I know I am resisting what I am feeling. The headache is my body's way of getting my attention.

Do you always know what you are feeling? Do you know when you are resisting feeling? How do you handle stress? Do you recognise stress in your body? Where do you feel stress?
Patricia

Help Getting Through The Holidays

I have two lists that I want to share with you in case you are a survivor who has trouble remaining sane as you struggle with getting through the holiday season. The first comes from Colleen whose blog Surviving By Grace is one of my favorite survivor blogs. You will find the list "How to Help A Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse" at the following link:

http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/2009/10/how-to-help-survivor-of-child-sexual.html

Stay and spend some time reading some of Colleen's other articles about her courageous journey through breaking her silence about child sexual abuse. You might also be interested in reading the article that I wrote about Colleen's book "The Third Floor Window" and then buying her book to read for yourself. The link for my article is at the following:

http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/09/out-of-my-comfort-zone-third-floor.html

You can order Colleen's book through her blog or through Amazon.com. I felt like Colleen was telling my story.


The second list that I want to guide you to comes from Grace Davis and her blog which she calls State of Grace. Grace's list is called "An Adult Child Abuse Survivor's Guide to the Holidays". The list starts with a very important suggestion of "DO NOT ABANDON YOURSELF." You will find the rest of the list at the following link:

http://gracedavis.typepad.com/i_am_dr_lauras_worst_nigh/2009/11/a-child-abuse-survivors-guide-to-the-holidays.html

Be sure to read the comment section too. You will find more additions to the original list in the comment section. Join me in checking out the rest of Grace's blog while you are there.


I appreciate the support of these ladies and their lists. Their suggestions can make for an easier, more joy-filled holiday. Thanks.
Patricia

Daybreak---The End Of Night

From Daybreak, Meditations For Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse, written by Maureen Brady, 1991, February 26 page:

"Deepening
I regret the abuse I suffered, yet I value the way healing from it has deepened me.

All human beings, whether survivors of childhood abuse or not, are confronted with illness, accidents, loss of loved ones, and a whole host of other injuries that hurt us and we wish hadn't happened. Yet don't we learn from these times how to value what we may have taken for granted---good health, for instance? And don't we discover resources that migh have otherwise lain dormant in us?

As I deal with my memories of abuse, I often rail against my lot, wishing this history belonged to someone else, that I could be free from it. But then I wonder, who would this someone else be? I realize how much strength I've observed in myself as I've grappled with my pain. I've found the me who came through. I've found the freedom to leave behind more superficial masks that otherwise might have covered my face for a lifetime."


I find comfort in reading that. Why did I choose to name this article "Daybreak---The End Of Night after reading the above daily meditation? First of all, this book Daybreak, Meditations For Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse brings me much comfort. It gives me hope that one day I may actually leave the darkness of incest---the nighttime of my childhood---behind. If someone else can do this, so can I. So can you.

This meditation reminded me of all of the incest survivor blogs that I read and all of the other survivors who are struggling, as I struggle, to face the hurt and anger and to leave the past behind. Letting go of the pain---the hurt, anger, alienation, betrayal, inner messages of negativity, the isolation, the secrets---I believe that all of this is possible. I also know it isn't as easy as some would like you to believe. Don't you think if it were that easy that more people would instantly do it? Nobody that I know really enjoys being an incest survivor.

If you are an incest survivor or a child abuse survivor, you can look at the right sidebar and find a list of the sites that I frequently read written by other survivors who are in recovery and learning to thrive despite their childhood abuse. Each of these blog writers shares their journey through abuse on their blogs. Learning that you are not the only one makes the journey easier. I appreciate each of these bloggers for the courage that they show me daily. The journey is easier when it is shared. Thank you each and everyone. Have a glorious day.
Patricia

Dealing With Change

A blogger friend of mine, Corinne Edwards, whose blog you will find at the following link
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/ , recently suggested that I would enjoy reading a new book written by Neale Donald Walsch. The title of the new book is When Everything Changes Change Everything. I finally started reading it last night. As you can tell from my most recent articles, I am involved in change right now.

Mr. Walsch's new book is about 9 changes that he says you all need to make when you are going through changes. These changes can truly change your life. So far, I am reading about the first change.

"Change #1:
Change your decision to 'go it alone'." (page 29)

Mr. Walsch says that most of us tend to isolate when we are having difficulties. I can't speak for you but for me that is so true. I have trouble reaching out and saying that I am having problems and asking for help. A part of me feels ashamed that I am not able to deal with this problem on my own.

Here is what Mr. Walsch says and it makes perfect sense to me.

"The reason that so many of us tend to self-isolate when we are facing big problems---and by the way, have you noticed that almost every really big problem you've ever faced emerged from something that changed?---is that we have never given ourselves permission to be seen as less than perfect, or as someone who does not have it all altogether." (page 29-30)

Does this sound like you? It certainly sounds like me. This is one area that I still have all of the childhood tapes playing in my head.

Mr. Walsch goes on to say, "We've also been taught as children that we should not 'burden others' with our problems. And finally, we've been told that most everything is our own fault anyway, so why would we go to someone else with it? It was made very clear that we made our bed and now we have to lie in it." (page 30)

He goes on to say that none of these things is true and that whoever told you this was wrong about it all. Here is where he really got my attention.

"The need to be 'perfect' and to 'have it all together' is a manifestation of a larger need: the need for approval." (page 30)

I still struggle with this "need for approval". This is where fear of rejection comes into my life. Every time that I write an article on incest or tell a new person or even tell a person who has known me for years but doesn't know that I am an incest survivor, I face my fear of rejection and fear that I will lose your approval and love. This is where I rely upon courage to help me deal with however you react to my article or my disclosure of more information.

Mr. Walsch goes on to say, "People want to help us. They do not feel 'burdened' by doing so. Quite the opposite. They feel uplifted.

Knowing that we've helped others brings us value, skyrocketing our feelings of self-worth. Life suddenly begins to make sense. Or at least to give us, in that moment, a sense of higher purpose." (page 31)

"We're all just running around trying to help somebody. Knowing this should make it easier to accept help---from a professional or from a loved one---when our own need is particularly acute. Why would we make it more difficult for someone to help us when help is exactly what we need, and exactly what others want to give?" (page 31)

I hope that sharing these wise words of Neale Donald Walsch will help you to be able to ask for help the next time that you need it. I know it makes it easier for me. I know that I don't have to try so hard to be perfect and I still find myself doing it in certain areas of my life.
Does any of this ring true for you?
Patricia

Resistance Is Futile---How Do You Deal With Change?

From Daybreak, Meditations For Women Survivors Of Sexual Abuse, written by Maureen Brady, Page for April 19:

"Letting go is a never-ending process of relating to my resistance.

When I let go of my nearly unrelenting need to control, my belief that I can bend even iron with my will, I am released into serenity and trust in a power greater than myself. Then, almost immediately, I drop the most powerful lesson I have learned and take up my willfulness again. I ask myself in some bewilderment, why would I do this?

To some extent my need to control may have become excessive and obsessive because the loss of control in the sexual abuse was so great that I needed to make up for it. But regardless of my story, it is also a very human characteristic to grasp for control. The way to work with this is through a daily practice of noticing what I am clinging to---a thought, a feeling, a memory, a determination to make a situation come out a certain way---and uncurling my grip as a gesture of release and watching what I am clinging to float away. Releasing my willful attachments creates space and sustenance for my soul."


How often do you resist change? I find myself resisting change just about every time that it comes into my life. I deal better with smaller changes than I do big ones so that is some improvement. I have to remind myself, to use a phrase from Star Trek Next Generation, "Resistance is futile." Resistance just makes change harder and slower but change still moves forward anyway despite my resistance. Often resistance just gives me a headache and it still doesn't stop the change from happening.

Resisting change is very much about the need to control---your environment, other people and their behavior, and your reactions to those people and environments. If you are controlling then you can feel safe. Controlling, as I have said many times before, is just an illusion that you are in control. Life, the Universe, God---these are what are really in control. Your choice is to go with the flow or to resist. Going with the flow doesn't mean that you don't have dreams or make plans for your future. Going with the flow means that you don't resist the change that Life sometimes throws at you when you don't know what the bigger picture is. It means letting go of the need to control what isn't my responsibility in the first place.

You might be interested in reading the article from the blog The Rat Race Trap written by Stephen Mills at the following link:

http://www.ratracetrap.com/the-rat-race-trap/an-optimal-balance-to-your-life.html . The article is called "An Optimal Balance to Your Life. Part of my above paragraph came from my comment to Stephen's article about balance.
Patricia

Recovery Validated

Hi. I am back from our 10 day vacation to visit our daughter and her family. I will write more in a future article. I just have a short amount of time to post this article since I have a neice and her family arriving around 8:00 tonight from Texas for a short visit. I read this while on our vacation and liked what it said.

Daybreak, Meditations For Women Survivors Of Sexual Abuse written by Maureen Brady, HarperCollins ed., Hazelden Meditation Series, 1991, September 8 page:

"Advice
No matter how great or small I think are the strides I have made in my recovery, they are made apparent and validated each time I pass my hope on to others.

Incest survivors experiences, and the gigantic long-term effects of those experiences, have long been denied and silenced in our culture, even in psychological circles. Few hands were there to reach out to us. Even when we found the courage to speak, we might have met with an antagonistic response. Still, we are fortunate to be living now in a time when large numbers of incest survivors are speaking up and documenting their experiences.

As I benefit from being heard by others, I begin to recognise my responsibility to share my experience and hope with those who are even newer to breaking silence than I am. I will receive the gift of hearing my own hope spoken aloud. To others I will give the gift of connection, of knowing we do not have to do this alone. I will be part of the growing volume of voices that may save some child in the future from being abused."

This states why I write about my own incest experiences, why I am revisiting all the pain from my past. We, as survivors, have to reach out and help each other. We all benefit from the support.
Patricia

Out Of My Comfort Zone---The Third Floor Window

In my previous article, I stated that several things had taken me out of my comfort zone this past week. Well, another of those things was reading the book of an internet friend of mine---Colleen Spiro.

I met Colleen through her blog "Surviving By Grace". ( http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/ ). Colleen and I are about the same age, married, and have grown children. We are both also incest survivors and write about our experiences on our blogs so that we can help ourselves and also reach out and help other survivors by letting them know that they are not alone.

I have been told a number of times over the years that I should write a book about my experiences. Colleen has done just that in 2008. I haven't yet but after reading Colleen's book "The Third Floor Window" I am determined to write one also. It also helps that I have been getting nudges from other people (Slade, Corinne and Sherryl) in the past year to do the same thing and while reading Colleen's book, I ran across, not one, but two books on writing your memoirs. For the first time ever, writing a book of my own seems like a distinct possibility. Did I just make another committment? My week has been full of those. Do they all have to hit me at the same time?

First of all, I want to thank Colleen for writing her book. When I first started looking at my incest issues there weren't many books on the subject around. There were even fewer that were written by people like me that didn't have degrees in psychology or some related field that were actually survivors of incest or childhood abuse. Now, finally people like Colleen are beginning to write their stories. In writing her story, I felt like Colleen had written my story. I was surprised at the similiarities between us.

One of the first pages in Colleen's book, she calls "Telling My Story." On this page, she says the following: "For years I have been silent. For years I have kept the secret of my childhood. But now I feel it is time. It is time to tell my story. A story that is unique because I am unique. And yet I think, in many ways, it is every survivor's story."

In reading page after page, I found that Colleen was indeed telling my story in such a simple, straight forward way that I really appreciate. Incest was a word, that like Colleen, I had trouble with in the beginning. Incest seemed like such a nasty, secretive word. It is. Like Colleen, for many years I was silent and endured the pain without understanding why incest picked me out. I now understand that men who rape little girls do so because they can. They do so for the control that it gives them over another person. A child is small enough that people ignore them, sometimes, even when the signs of abuse are very apparent. Many who choose not to see do so because of their own abuse issues or their own low self-worth. Many people are just afraid.

Colleen writes about the effect of questions from other people:
"Why can't you just forget about it and put it in the past? Why are you whining about something that happened so long ago? Everybody has problems. Get over it."

People often don't understand that for an incest survivor just getting over it isn't an option. The pain of betrayal and being controlled and lied to and misused by an authority figure in your life just goes too deep for recovery to be so easy or fast. For most of us, treatment and recovery takes many years, usually a lifetime.

Colleen explains very well why I write about my incest issues on my blog. She says, "I have a deep need to find meaning in my suffering. I know about redemptive suffering, how God can transform suffering into eternity, into glory, into something good. Seems kind of pie in the sky though unless I can translate it into my everyday life."

Colleen goes on to say, "I am driven by the feeling that if one person is helped by my suffering, if one victim is helped by my telling my story, then it might all seem worth it. My telling of the story which is so hard to do might be worth the effort and the fear and the shame I feel at times. And then if it helped one person, maybe it will help another and another and another... and why should I stop? I feel better knowing my pain helps ease another's pain. It is like balm for my wounds."

Amen to that Colleen. That is exactly why I write about my own experiences. Nobody helped me until years afterwards. I don't want anybody else to feel as alone as I did in this journey.

Colleen grew up in a small town in New England. I grew up in small towns scattered all across northern Louisiana yet our stories seem the same in so many other ways.

People always ask why you didn't tell. It is easier to ask that question than it is to answer. I always felt that the person asking was already judging me, looking for some fault in me that caused the abuse to happen to me. In her book, Colleen does an excellent job of answering this question. Thank you Colleen.

I have never heard anybody else talk about how they had a problem picking out Father's Day and Mother's Day cards because they didn't fit her family. I have felt that way for many years.
Again, Colleen describes my family when she said, "Dad was the one with the power. To me, he was the ultimate authority. I saw that he made all of the major decisions, such as where we lived and what car we owned. He made the rules and he was the one who disciplined me when I broke them. He made the money so he was the one to give Mom money when she needed it. When I was a little girl, Mom didn't drive so he was the one to drive us places when we asked him."

Next Colleen says, "Dad was king of our little kingdom. He had all of the control. His word was law. So when Dad told me not to tell anyone, I knew I had better obey."

This was my family. My dad was the dictator. I compared him to Hitler.

My mom learned to drive sometime in my early teens. Colleen could have been describing my mother learning to drive with us in the truck. Dad shouting at every mistake that Mom made, us kids sitting in the truck terrified to say anything or to even breathe too loudly. I didn't learn to drive until I was in my 40's because of all of those old terrors that I had to overcome from those long ago driving lessons.

Colleen mentions that she read an article online about a survey that was done on college students in which they were asked about the effects of sexual abuse on their lives. The majority denied that they had any problems. My immediate response was to say that they were in denial. As a college student and for many years after, I was in denial of my own issues and the effects that were bothering me. I would bet if those same college students were asked to do the survey when they were older, in their 30's or 40's, their answers would be more honest.

I finished reading Colleen's book several nights ago. I couldn't write any sooner than today about the experience. It is a book that I hope that each of you who are reading this article will go and buy. "The Third Floor Window" isn't an easy read. It is a must read if you want to understand incest and what effects it has upon its victims. Colleen shows how she went from being a victim to a survivor.

I am still processing the emotions that reading "The Third Floor Window" has brought up for me. I don't have the words to tell you everything that I am feeling about this book. Feeling is good. It is still sometimes a jumble of emotions that I don't always know what to do with or how to feel about. This is an area that I am still in grade school learning how to do. I ate lots of things that I shouldn't when reading this book because eating gives me comfort when I am distressed. One of these days, I will learn better ways of dealing with these feelings, but not today. That is one more thing that Colleen's book gave me---hope that someday all of the pain will stop or at least be at manageable levels.

I hope you will click on the following link and go to the blog "Heartfelt Heartlook" to read the review that she wrote about "The Third Floor Window":
http://heartfeltheartlook.blogspot.com/2009/08/third-floor-window-survivors-story-of.html
Heartfelt and I write from different views of the book.

Colleen, thank you for the courage that you had to break the silence in the form of writing your book.
Patricia