Believing You Are Worthy

This morning I was reading another Wayne Dyer book called The Invisible Force: 365 Ways to Apply the Power of Intention to Your Life. It is a daily meditation book that I read several pages each of the past few days. On page 198, it says:

"If you don't believe that you're worthy of fulfilling your intention for health, wealth, or loving relationships, then you're creating an obstacle that will inhibit the flow of creative energy into your daily life."

I do know, that as an incest survivor and a survivor of emotional domestic violence in my childhood home, I am blessed that I married a good man instead of another abuser. My non-existent self-worth could have attracted someone into my life that would have treated me in the way that I thought I deserved. It happens frequently to incest and domestic abuse survivors. Often we recreate our childhood environment until we figure out that we don't have to do that any more, that we do deserve better. 

One way to not attract abusers is to learn and establish healthy boundaries. An article that I read this last week written by my friend Dan Hays at HEALTHY PLACE, America's Mental Health Channel talks about setting up healthy boundaries. Here is the link to Dan's article:

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/traumaptsdblog/2015/10/05/establishing-boundaries-in-ptsd-recovery/

Boundaries are such an important part of healing. Dysfunctional families don't want boundaries, especially the abusers. When I was a child, I used walls to hide behind and to feel safe. The wall let no one in but it also kept me a prisoner inside. Boundaries are flexible. Walls are not. 
Patricia

Boundaries, Detachment And Self-Worth

"I can be emotionally separate and still be caring.

I will not take on the anger, fear or moodiness of those around me today.

In my dysfunctional family, no one encouraged me to be a separate individual. When my parents were angry or depressed, I was made to feel it was my fault. I was expected to rescue them emotionally. Well, taking on the rescuer role didn't work in childhood and it hasn't worked in my adult life either. Because the source of others' unhappiness is inside them, nothing I can do will lift it from them. My detachment doesn't mean I don't care about their pain; it means that I know I cannot save them from their own moods.

I will honor my individuality today by refusing to take on the negative emotions of those around me."

From the book Affirmations For The Inner Child, written by Rokelle Lerner, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, Florida: 1990, 2010, From the page February 28 - Boundaries.


I wanted to share this with you because it describes my childhood so well and one of my roles in my dysfunctional family. I was the protector of my mother's feelings from the age of three when I remember assigning myself that role.

Family caretaker for everyone was another of my roles. Some good things came out of my caretaker role. I am a responsible adult who cares about people in my family, friends and about society in general. One of the not so good things that came out of that role was that I became a people pleaser and lost myself in the deal. I was so busy taking care of everyone else that I often felt overly tired, overwhelmed and angry. I wasn't allowed to have a childhood. I was too busy taking care of my family and their needs.

I became bossy as the oldest child with two younger siblings who were my responsibility. If they got into trouble, it was my fault. I should have kept them out of trouble.When I learned about detachment, I was able to let go of what wasn't my responsibility. I didn't have all of the answers for my siblings.

I knew how to fix everything and everybody. That was the illusion I tried to convince myself and everyone else was true because I had to earn your love. If I did enough you would love me. And I had to do everything perfectly so that no one could criticize me like both of my parents did when I was struggling to be a child with too much responsibility.

I am a terrible housekeeper today, partly because my inner child is in open rebellion about all the housework that I did as a child with nobody teaching me how to do any of it. The only thing I can tell you my mother taught me how to do in all those childhood years was when I was 11 years old, she taught me how to make biscuits. From then on making biscuits became my job in the evenings during the week and two times a day on weekends and in the Summer months until I left home at age 19. Everything else I learned how to do by experimenting with trial and error. I was told to do a chore without anyone taking the time to show me how except what I learned to do in Home Economics in school in the 7th, 8th, and 9th grades.

I also realized again this week, that I still feel some shame in this area when it comes to inviting people into my home. I just don't know how to change this. I know it shouldn't matter what other people think and still in this area I am afraid of being criticized. My housework was never good enough for my dad when I was a child. I would get called stupid and be told I was as slow as grandma or as slow as Christmas and generally made to not feel good enough. This may seem small to some people but it is still a big issue for me.

Along with shame over being a bad housekeeper, I feel fearful of having others in my home right now. I recently told my husband that may be because of the writing that I am doing right now - going deeper into more layers with my issues. I just don't want anyone here but me and Daniel. I guess with this writing, I feel exposed which doesn't make a lot of sense because I have been writing for this blog for over six years now. I need my space to be safe. With Daniel and I, I do feel safe.

I feel bad because an online friend is visiting my town this weekend. He is a guest speaker at one of the area churches. I haven't extended an invitation for him to stay with Daniel and I. I am going to see him at the church on Sunday. This will be the first time that we will meet face to face. He is someone that I have enjoyed knowing for almost the entire time I have been a blogger. I am not afraid of him. The fear is from deep inside of me. The shame is still there inside my inner child. I am not sure how to convince her to let go of it, if she can let go of it at this stage in my life. I am not giving up. Knowing me, I will probably give him a copy of this post to read since it explains my feelings pretty good. This is my issue, not his. I am not done working though it yet. I don't know if I ever will finish with this one. I won't give up on my inner child or on me. Thanks for reading and having patience with me.
Patricia

Is Your Trauma Therapist/Counselor Qualified?

If you are an incest survivor, a sibling abuse survivor or a survivor of any form of child abuse and you decide to seek professional help, please make sure that your therapist or counselor is qualified and properly trained to work with you. Ask to see their certificate or license whichever is required for their particular field of work. Also some therapists and counselors are not trained specifically for trauma victims or for PTSD. Be sure that the person that you are working with is someone who is trustworthy.

With availability of the internet, not everyone that you meet is who they say they are. Don't assume just because someone asks you to let them do EMDR or some other new form of therapy with them that they are fully trained. The internet makes it easy for all of us to reach out to each other and to receive support and compassion from other survivors. Sadly, there are some people out there too that will take advantage of our goodness and our woundedness. Don't assume that someone has received training just because they sound knowledgeable.  Don't let someone manipulate you and guide you in a direction that may harm you. Pay attention to what your gut/intuition tells you about a person. Ask someone else that you trust what they think about this person. Listen to what this person tells you about themselves. Don't minimize what your inner voice is telling you. Trust it.

Not all people who trick you are evil. Some are misguided themselves. Others are self-centered and don't care how their actions may hurt others. Some act out of their own woundedness. None of that really matters and I don't mean them as excuses for what they do. It saddens me that they act out of that place in themselves but I have learned from my own experiences and my own healing that I don't have to let another person fool me because of their woundedness. I can pay attention to my boundaries and enforce them when needed. I can remove myself from that person's presence, even online. I don't have to let another person use me just because I feel sad for them. Today, as a survivor/thriver, I can protect myself. I can also learn from my past mistakes and grow past them.

Sometimes because I look for the good in people, I will miss or choose to ignore my inner voice that says something isn't quite right with this scenario or with what this person is telling me. Each time that I have ignored that voice, I have later learned that I should have paid attention to it. People sometimes disappoint me. Sometimes, I get used even. I am still learning in this area. I won't let a few disappointments keep me from looking for and seeing the good in others. I will be more cautious. That is all I can do. I can also share what I have learned here with my friends.
Patricia

Resources For An Incest Survivor And Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families

All of the books listed here are books that I have used in my own healing process over the years.  Some of the first ones listed are the very first books that I found and read back in the 1990's. I checked each of them on Amazon to see if they were still available for purchase and they are. I hope that you find them as useful as I did in my healing.  They are not listed in alphabetical order. The books are listed in the order that I remember using them myself over the years.

Affirmations for the Inner Child, by Rokelle Lerner, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1990, 2010.

Believing In Myself: Self Esteem Daily Meditations, by Earnie Larsen, Simon & Schuster, Inc./Fireside, New York, NY, 1991.

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-worth, by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1987, 2010.

Compassion and Self Hate: An Alternate to Despair, by Theodore I. Rubin, Touchstone, Rockefeller Center, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY, 1975, 1998. (Touchstone is part of Simon & Schuster)

Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics), by John Bradshaw, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1988.

Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, by Charles L. Whitfield, M. D., Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1989, 2006.

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self, by Charles Whitfield, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1993, 2010.

Codependant No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself, by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, 1986, 1992.

Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time, by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, 1989.

The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series), by Melody Beattie, Hazelden, Center City, Minnesota, June 1990.

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives, by Pia Mellody, HarperCollins Publishers, New York, NY, 1989.

Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody, HarperCollins Publishers, New York, NY, 1989.

I Never Told Anyone: Writings by Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Ellen Bass, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1991.

The Courage To Heal: A Guide For Women Survivors Of Child Sexual Abuse, 3rd Edition by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, Harper & Row, Publishers, 1988; HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 2008.

The Courage To Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Laura Davis, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1990.

A Gift to Myself: A Personal Workbook and Guide to "Healing the Child Within", by Charles L. Whitfield, Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL, 1990.

Secret Survivors: Uncovering Incest and Its Aftereffects in Women, by E. Sue Blume, Ballantine Books, a Division of Random House, Inc., New York, NY, 1990.

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child, by Laura Davis, Harper Perennial, a Division of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY, 1991.

These are a few of the resources that I used in the beginning of my healing journey from incest and being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  For me, the alcoholism and the incest were intertwined in my life. That is why you will find so many of these books are about codependence and working with the inner child. The inner child is the one who experienced the childhood abuse and allowed us to survive into adulthood. I will do a second list of resources soon. I hope that I haven't overwhelmed you with all of these but I had so many good resources at my fingertips in the 1990's that I didn't have in the early 1980's when I first told my husband and my sister that I was an incest survivor.  I didn't immediately start working on my incest issues or reading books about it until after I had done some work on healing from codependence and being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic because my marriage was at risk. The 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon helped me to heal enough to finally start working on my incest issues.  Let me know if you have any favorites that helped you that I don't have included here.
Patricia

Dysfunctional Family Systems

There is an interesting conversation going over at Emerging From Broken.  You will find this article at the following link http://emergingfrombroken.com/?p=796 .  Several of the comments at the end of the article are mine.  This article is going to be an edited version of one of my comments plus some others thoughts that I have had on the topic of Dysfunctional Family Systems.

There are quite a number of books written on the topic.  I visited Amazon.com earlier to see what was available and quit after page 17 of the list.  Two of the best, in my opinion are Healing The Child Within:  Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, written by Charles L. Whitfield and Healing the Shame That Binds You, written by John Bradshaw.  Two others that were life savers for me are both by the same author Melody Beattie Codependent No More and her second book called Beyond Codependency.  I highly recommend each of these four books.

This is just a small definition of what it means to grow up in a dysfunctional family system.  For more information, read any of the four books that I mentioned above. 

In dysfunctional families, the individual members don't talk about what is wrong or what's missing from the family system, things like communication and trust.  They don't usually love themselves.  Sometimes there is neglect of individual needs.  The child doesn't have a healthy adult to model how to take care of themselves so the child doesn't learn this.

In some dysfunctional family systems, there are secrets that everybody knows but nobody talks about.  In my family that secret was alcoholism.  In A.A. and Al-Anon, they call this having an elephant in your living room that nobody wants to see.  The elephant (alcoholism in my family) is there.  Everyone walks around it like it isn't there.  Nobody talks about it.  Another secret that some of my family members either knew about or suspected was incest.  Everybody knows not to talk to outsiders about what is really going on inside the family.  I learned in Al-Anon that we are each only as sick as our secrets.

Everybody is afraid of change.  The dysfunctional family system is very rigid and doesn't allow for change in any form.  Anybody that dares to want to change comes up against resistance from the other family members, sometimes resulting in being ostracized or cast out from the family.  Nobody welcomes change.  Often if you get into recovery as an adult, nobody in the family acknowledges that you have made changes in yourself, that you are different.  They continue to see you in the role that you were assigned as a child.  That can be very frustrating especially for survivors who have worked really hard to make these healthy changes.

Nobody feels supported by the other family members.  Feelings are not shared.  There are often unexpressed, unfelt emotions. Emotions are often ignored or stuffed rather than acknowledged, especially fear and anger. There is usually a lot of underlying stress.  Any time you have secrets.  There is stress.  There is sometimes loneliness even when the family is together in the same room because nobody feels connected to anybody else.

Each member is assigned a role to play in the family.  Some of these roles are family hero, scapegoat, family maintainer, peacemaker, the invisible child, the sick child, and others.  Some people play more than one role at a time.  I played hero, family maintainer, and peacemaker at different times. I was also my mother's emotional protector at least by the age of 3.  I have a very clear memory of this.

Everyone is fearful, often without knowing why.  Sometimes, as in my case, the fear is so deep that I didn't even realize until I was 19 years old that I lived in daily fear for my life and sanity.  I didn't recognize the fear because it was constantly, always there in the fabric of my life.  I don't remember a time that I wasn't fearful.

In my dysfunctional family, my dad was a dictator of what we did, what we thought, how we acted.  He dictated through his rage.  Not all dysfunctional families are this extreme.  Some are.  Some are not.  Some families are so disconnected from their feelings that nothing seems wrong on the surface.

These are just a few symptoms of living in a dysfunctional family system.  The family system is more important than any of its individual members.  Nobody is supposed to become a separate individual as they are expected to in a health family system.  There is no separation in a dysfunctional family system.  Everyone is so emeshed that there are no healthy boundaries.  I used walls to keep you out and to keep me protected.  This separation was such a big issue in my family that I waited until I was 19 to run away from home.  My dad was not going to let me leave if he had known in advance.  I told my mom that I was leaving.  My dad came after me two days later.  He threatened suicide if I didn't come back home to live.  He didn't commit suicide and I didn't go back home to stay.  I went home for the weekend to say goodbye to my sister and brother.  I left for good on Monday morning.  I knew in my heart that if I didn't run away that my dad would never have let me escape from under his rule.  Again, this is an extreme example of a dysfunctional family system.

These are just some of the symptoms of growing up in a dysfunctional family system.  There are many more.  Not all families have all of these symptoms.  Do you personally know any families that don't have some dysfunction?  I know some that are working on getting healthier.  Our society is full of families dealing with addictions and codependency.  Some families are healthier than others.

You may ask why am I willing to write a blog about incest, about my own dysfunctional family system.  Why am I making all of my families dirty laundry public?  Some might say that I am being judgmental of others when I talk about my own recovery and my very unhealthy childhood in a home with incest and alcohol.  I am not doing that.  I am sharing what my journey has been like for me. 

Many of us are choosing to go "public" with our issues and our recovery.  You might ask or even demand to know why I would do this to my family.  I am not doing this to anyone.  This is what was done to me and to many other abuse survivors.  Incest is just one of many abuses that are happening to the children of countries around the world.  This abuse will continue unless I and other survivors start to speak out.  Breaking the silence of abuse means that I sometimes get attacked because others don't like having all of this "family" stuff being aired in public.  You won't shut us up any longer.  The survivors of abuse are beginning to speak out on their own behalf and on the behalf of those who are still afraid to speak out. 

I thank Carla Dippel and Darlene Ouimet for speaking to others through their blog Emerging From Broken.  By thanking Carla and Darlene, I am not claiming that they have been abused.  That is for them to decide.  Not me.  I am thanking them for being an inspiration to me personally.  I always welcome comments from my readers.
Patricia

Courage Isn't Just About The Big Stuff

Courage isn't just about the big stuff. Some days courage is about doing what is necessary to just get though the day. The comments that you leave here on my blog often speak about how courageous you believe I am. I appreciate the words of encouragement that you leave at the end of my articles. Many of you are just as courageous or even more so with what you deal with daily in your lives. Congratulate yourself for a job well done in overcoming your own childhood abuse in whatever form it takes.


As I visit blogs of other incest survivors, I see more examples of courage. Setting boundaries with family members, saying no to any more abuse, saying yes to spiritual growth, saying yes to change in your life---all of these are daily examples of courage that I see on the survivor blogs that I visit each week.

Some instances of showing courage would be saying no to an abusive relationship, getting a divorce instead of staying because it is more comfortable than facing the unknown, confronting your abuser with what he/she has done and letting them know this behavior is not acceptable, being a parent instead of a friend to your children, sharing your story with others (The first time is the hardest.), setting healthy boundaries when you had no boundaries before. All of these show the courage that each of us is capable of.

The every day kind of courage comes about when you learn to say no instead of stretching yourself to unbearable limits, learning to care for and nurture the lost and hurting inner child, putting your needs first and not feeling guilty so that you aren't an empty vessel that isn't capable of helping anybody, getting counseling for yourself to help you deal with the abuse issues, sharing your childhood story of abuse with a close friend or loved one.

You may not see yourself as being strong or being courageous. If you are working on your abuse issues, you are both. Courage is being afraid and moving forward and making choices anyway. Hugs and blessings to all of you.
Patricia

Independence Day

July 4 is Independence Day in the U. S. A. We have lots of cook-outs, family gatherings and fireworks displays to attend. Many people spend time in their back yards with family and friends or go swimming, fishing and boating on our many lakes.

Some of us use this day to declare our independence from our abusive past. Some of this comes out in blogs such as "Surviving By Grace" which posted the following article she called Declaration of Independence. I have been reading Colleen's blog for awhile now. Colleen is a woman of great courage whom I have come to admire as she handles her struggles toward independence from an abusive father. Her words are heart felt and full of courage and strength. Her journey hasn't been an easy one as she struggles to reconnect with her personal power. You can find Colleen's personal Declaration of Independence at the following link: http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/2009/06/declaration-of-independence.html . When you visit Colleen's blog, take the time to read the articles that tell of her journey to reach the point of declaring her independence.

Over the past few weeks, I have been sorting through some of my old writings looking for a particular few pages that are still eluding my searches. Instead I found a Bill of Rights list that I wrote for myself over 10 years ago that I want to share with you now.

BILL OF RIGHTS

I, Patricia Caldwell Singleton, have the right to be protected from active or passive abuses including physical incest, emotional incest, physical battering, verbal abuse and any other violation of physical or emotional boundaries.

I, Patricia Caldwell Singleton, should not have been subjected as a child to the following abuses: physical and emotional incest, verbal abuse, slappings, spiritual abuse and the violation of my physical and emotional boundaries.

I, Patricia Caldwell Singleton, give myself my assurance as an adult that I will never allow myself to be subjected to these abuses again, either at the hand of others or by my own hand.

I, Patricia Caldwell Singleton, will never knowingly inflict upon any other child these or any other passive or active abuses. The children I come in contact with, by my procreation or the procreation of others, deserve, as I did, to be protected from boundary violations and other inflictions that will damage their self-image or otherwise hinder their development into confident, healthy adults capable of loving and being loved.

The idea for the above Bill of Rights probably came from the book, Love Hunger Weight-Loss Workbook written by Dr. Frank Minirth, Dr. Paul Meier, Dr. Robert Hemfelt and Dr. Sharon Sneed. The other papers that I found with this page were dated as being written on October 20, 1993.

Writing a Bill of Rights or a Declaration of Independence is all about reclaiming your personal power from the abuser. It is about taking on the responsibility of your own growth. One of my favorite bloggers from Australia, Craig Harper who writes the blog "Renovate Your Life" resently wrote two articles on personal power. You will find his articles at the following links:

Taking Back Your Personal Power (Part 1) found at http://www.craigharper.com.au/personal-development/taking-back-your-personal-power-part-1/

Taking Back Your Personal Power (Part 2) found at http://www.craigharper.com.au/personal-development/taking-back-your-personal-power-part-2/

I hope that those of you who live in the U. S. A. had a wonderful 4th of July holiday and didn't eat so much food that you were miserable afterwards. My husband was out of town for July 4-5 so I spent the day with my sister who is visiting from Texas for a few days and my son. It was a quiet day that I enjoyed spending with two of my favorite people.

Patricia

Related Articles:

Grieving---A Necessary Process For Healing found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/05/grieving-necessary-process-for-healing.html

True Independence Comes From In-dependence found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/07/true-independence-comes-from-in.html

Independence, Not Just For A Day found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/07/independence-not-just-for-day.html

May Carnival Against Child Abuse

Marj over at "Survivors Can Thrive" has posted the May Carnival Against Child Abuse. There are some very informative articles there written by child abuse survivors like myself. If you are interested in learning more about child abuse, how to prevent it from happening to the next generation of children, or how child abuse can continue to affect your adult life, then go on over to "Survivors Can Thrive" at the following link:
http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com/2009/05/remembering-veteran-survivors.html

Here is the word of caution that Marj adds at the beginning of the Carnival articles:
"Trigger Warning: Keep yourself safe as you read. Understandably, child abuse can be a very triggering subject."

The reason for this warning is that most of us who write the articles and some of us who read the articles are Child Abuse Survivors. Certain stories can trigger fear, panic, anger, and even flashbacks in Survivors.

I had some triggers of my own set off over the past few weeks. I have had to deal with a sudden irrational fear of having strangers come into my home. Most of the time I am ok with my husband inviting interesting people that he has met and even some friends into our home. Afterall, he lives here too. I have a few of my friends of my own who have open invitations and come without advance notice.

Because of me writing the recent articles on incest and reading the blogs of other survivors, I have found myself becoming fearful over the past few weeks. That surprised me. I didn't expect it. I told my husband that I know the fear is irrational and I still feel it. I am working through it and telling my husband about it was the first step. As a survivor, I need to feel safe in my own home because as a child, my home wasn't a safe place to be.
Patricia

Comments From My Readers

First of all, I want to say "Thank You" to each of my readers who leave a comment at the end of my posts. Your comments add to the body of my posts. Thank you. Your comments expand my thoughts. I appreciate your sharing of your feelings and thoughts on what I write.

I do not mind having your comments express a difference of opinion. I don't expect everybody to agree with my thoughts and feelings. The world would be a dull place if we were all alike. Differences make me think about things in a different light. I have no problem accepting our differences of opinion. Being a Saggittarian, I even thrive on our differences.

With my topic of incest, I expect feelings to sometimes be expressed quite strongly. I have no problem with that. You should have strong emotions about incest and the perpetrators. Those strong emotions are what will help us to stop child sexual abuse. I want you to feel strongly when I write my posts about incest.

When I write about my spiritual beliefs, I know that some people will disagree. That is fine too. I know that my spiritual beliefs are possibly disturbing to some people because their beliefs are different. My spiritual beliefs are pretty broad for some people and I know that. I am ok with that. I do not expect everyone to agree with me. That is ok.

What I do expect is that if you disagree with me and you express that disagreement, do it with respect for me and for my readers. I resently got a series of three comments from a person who left a comment that was very judgmental and attacked the organization that I talked about in the post. I published the first comment but I rejected that next two. As the writer of this blog, I have that right.

I know that my beliefs are different than a lot of people. I am ok with being different. I am not ok with being told that I am going to Hell for those beliefs. I am not ok with a personal attack on me or those that I write about. All those type of comments do is spread more venom and hatred in the world. I will not allow my blog to be a part of spreading hate in the world. Expressing anger at a person because of his/her actions is not the same thing as bigotry. Bigot according to the dictionary is "One intolerant of or prejudiced against those of differing religious beliefs, political opinion, etc." (The Doubleday Dictionary For Home, School, and Office, Doubleday & Company, Inc., 1975, page 70).

I will not be a part of spreading more hatred into the world. Please be honest and respectful with your comments. Do not attack another person or organization. If you disagree that strongly with my view points, you have the choice to not visit my blog again. Express your opinions and your feelings, just don't attack me with those opinions and feelings. That is abuse and I am not the child who couldn't protect herself. I will protect myself and my readers from your hurtful words.

If you are one of my readers who is a survivor of any form of childhood abuse and are angry at your perpretrators, I am not asking that you monitor your feelings. I know how that anger can feel. That is not what this article is talking about. If you are angry with your perpretrator, feel free to say so in your comments. I want this blog to be a help in your healing. I am not asking you to pretend that you are ok when you are not. I am asking for honesty in your feelings if you choose to leave a comment on something that I have written. You can express feelings without the use of vulgar language. I want my readers who are survivors to feel free to express their feelings. Again, I want to tell you that you are not the ones that this article is written about. You are the reason that I write to share my experience of recovery and hope for a better life. As a survivor, you have the right to have a better life.
Patricia

Responsibility and Adult Children of Alcoholics

From "Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses," Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, 2007, page 61:

"If we were in the role of defending or protecting other family members, we may have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for those around us. Blaming ourselves for the alcoholic's behavior can weaken our self-esteem and lead us to believe that every conflict is our fault. Likewise, if we assume others are out to hurt us, we might habitually guard ourselves against real or imagined threats.

'I felt personally responsible for everyone's unacceptable behavior.'

Often the coping mechanisms we learned as children in order to survive get in the way of our developing meaningful and trusting relationships as adults. Identifying how we were affected by alcoholism is not about blaming the alcoholic or other family members for all our problems. Rather, it's about taking responsibility for our struggles so we can begin to heal. As children, we may not have had the power to change our circumstances. Now that we are adults, we can make that decision for ourselves."


I could take the above statement, "I felt personally responsible for everyone's unacceptable behavior." a step further and say the I felt personally responsible for everything that went on in my world and for everybody that was in my world. Because of my dad being a dictator when I was a child, I felt so out of control of my life. The result was that when I left home, I stepped into that dictator role and became a control freak. When I first started working on myself in Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) and Al-Anon, that was the first thing that I discovered about myself. I was a control freak.

Where did the control freak come from? She came out of my feeling responsible for everything and everybody. She came from my fears of failure of being responsible. For the first half of my life or more, fear was the main emotion in my mind and in my body. Fear was in control of my life. I certainly wasn't.

Responsible wasn't what I was. Super-responsible was what I strived to be. That meant if you came into my sphere of life, I tried to fix you and whatever your problems were. I didn't do it in a mean way. I just wanted to help. That was what I told myself and you, if you asked. You see, my feeling good about myself came from helping you. If I could fix you then I had some value in this life other than just taking up space. I didn't know that I was telling you, by my actions, that you were too stupid to think and act for yourself. Al-Anon taught me that, when I was ready to hear it.

That was the day that I stopped doing everything for my children and husband. Of course, being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic that meant I went to the other extreme. Instead of doing everything for them, I did nothing for at least a year or more before I realized that wasn't healthy either. Of course, I wasn't home much either. When I wasn't working with my husband on a parking lot, I was probably in an Al-Anon or ACA meeting or reading a book about being an ACA. Going to meetings all of the time was also an extreme, maybe a healthier extreme but still an extreme. I went to a lot of meetings over the next 10 years. Finally I realized that there were some things that I could do that weren't me being controlling or super-responsible. They were appropriate things for a parent to do for their children. Doing extremes of behavior and feelings is a characteristic of being an Adult Child. It is called All or Nothing Thinking.

I am talking about my life from the view of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, but these issues are the same for an Adult Child of any kind of dysfunction. Dysfunction is always fear-based.
Patricia

Related Articles:

Let Go And Let God---Al-Anon Slogan
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/02/let-go-and-let-god-al-anon-slogan.html

Boundaries And Inappropriate Behaviors
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/04/boundaries-and-inappropriate-behaviors.html

Growing Up With Alcoholism In The Family
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/09/growing-up-with-alcoholism-in-family.html

Dealing With People Who Push Your Buttons

Do you have this person in your life that just pushes everyone of your buttons and you automatically start negative thoughts going off in your mind. It happens before you can catch yourself because this person sets off so many alarms.

He isn't trustworthy. She doesn't look you in the eyes when you talk to her. He hurt you more than once. She chews you out to someone else rather than saying those things to your face fully expecting that person to tell you every word she said. Which they do. Which leaves you feeling angry and raw and probably directing your anger at the wrong person.

That happened to me this morning, in my own home when a group of people came to visit. The button pusher was all nice and even asked how I was doing---like I really want to be honest and tell him.

I don't like giving up my power to this person and that is just what I did. I was polite and friendly and he has no idea of the thoughts going through my mind. I know the reasons that he behaves the way that he does and it doesn't make any difference in the way I feel about him.

What do I need to do about this situation? I will continue to run into this person because of the group that he belongs to. So I have to deal with him a few times a year. I will continue to protect myself and not give him any more ammunition to use against me.

I used to like this person. I even considered him a friend. I still like some things about him. I understand about his wounded childhood and his lack of trust of other people and his extreme fear of being used and hurt. I see those things in him and others because for many years it was part of my makeup. He becomes your friend because he so desperately wants your friendship and approval. Then he gets scared, terrified is probably a better word, and he does things to push you away. Knowing this about him is why I am able to understand and not get angry and lash out at him which would only have me making the situation worse.

Two angry, scared people trading rude comments and name-calling just makes the problem worse. It is what I grew up seeing my parents do so I know nothing gets solved. When this person isn't in my face, I can see clearly and send him love and light. Maybe after looking at this situation while I am writing this will remove the emotional sting so that I can just send him love and light rather than getting pulled into his game playing and my mind chatter.

Today, every time that I think about him I going to surround him with love and light and see the mirror that he has been for me today. Sorting out all of this does help. I won't know until next time that I see him how much this has made a difference.

Do you have any people in your life like this? I am not saying to accept abuse from the people. I am saying don't add to the situation by adding your own abusive behavior back to this person. Pay back, as pleasant as it sounds sometimes, doesn't solve the problem. Don't abuse others. Don't allow yourself to be abused. If possible remove yourself from the company of this person. And most important of all, don't abuse yourself or blame yourself for having the kind of thoughts that I had earlier today. See your thoughts for what they are---a negative reaction that doesn't have to be acted upon. Don't stuff those negative emotions because that can do damage to you. Feeling them doesn't mean you have to act on them. Feel them. Look at the cause. Look at the lesson. Then let them go.


When you find yourself in a situation like mine, look at what the person is mirroring in you. If needed, work on healing that part of yourself that is doing the reacting. This is just one way of dealing with troublesome people that works for me. What works for you?


I am sending love and light to this person, to you and to myself. Have a glorious day.
Patricia

The Law Of The Garbage Truck

This is from an email from a friend. I don't know who to credit with originally writing it. It is well worth passing along, so here goes.

"The Law Of The Garbage Truck
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital.' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Do not take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.'

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so.....

'Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't.' You gotta love them too!"

The person that sent this email to me ended it the words, "May God Smile On You Today."
Thanks, Donna for this wonderful lesson from your forwarded email.

I would add a few more words to this. Bless those people as you send them on their way. I didn't same damn them. I said bless them. Haven't most of us been there, done that, and then later regretted our actions and words. I hope that more of you will remember this garbage truck analogy the next time you find yourself in the position of blasting someone for being in your way. We all have way too much stress in our lives. Blowing off stream by blasting someone else isn't the way to release our frustrations. Stop, take a breath, and think about your blessings instead. You are alive today. Enjoy it. Have a glorious day.

Boundaries And Inappropriate Behaviors

Boundaries are not wall. They should be flexible.

Boundaries are not rigid. They should be adjustable.

This doesn't mean they should collapse at the first sign of resistance from yourself or other people. Boundaries, especially when you first set them, will be tested by others who aren't used to them being there, by others who don't like your new boundaries at all, and by yourself to see if you really mean what you say.

Boundaries are not being selfish. They should protect us from the inappropriate behaviors of others. Sometimes, boundaries also protect others from our own inappropriate behaviors. One boundary that I have set for myself is that I cannot try to fix other people. No matter how much I may think that I know better, I cannot tell another person how to live their lives and how to make their choices. I don't have that right. No one does. In codependent relationships, fixing was often something that I tried to do in the past.

When I first heard about boundaries in Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon, I was confused. I had no idea what they were talking about. I grew up with incest and alcoholism in my family. The two worst alcoholics were also rageaholics so there were no boundaries.

Codependency was rampant in my family because of the alcoholism. Everyone tried to fix everyone else. Rage and silence lived in the same house. Fear was always around waiting and feeding. Everyone tried to placate the alcoholic. No one paid attention to the children. We were fed and clothed and taught to not feel unless it was rage which better not be expressed unless you were the alcoholic. We were taught to live with abuse and inappropriate behaviors because that was normal in our family. I grew up as the oldest of three children. My dad was the third oldest of the 13 kids in his family. I grew up with an extended family of cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. My grandfather was the violent alcoholic head of the extended family. Every weekend was spent at the house of my grandparents. The only time my grandfather drank was from Friday evening when he got off work until Sunday evening when he ran out of money to buy more beer.

Growing up with the incest and alcoholism, which really is a family disease, I didn't know that living with people who exhibited inappropriate behaviors every day wasn't normal. It was normal in my family. Not knowing what is normal is a characteristic of adult children of alcoholics.

Because of the abuse, I had walls that I hid the real me and the wounded me behind. Walls are not boundaries. Walls are rigid. Walls are solid. They kept you out and also kept me a prisoner trapped in the abuse. In hiding from you and life, I was just existing, getting through each day, just going through the motions of surviving and not really being touched by anyone or anything, a prisoner of my own fears. If I let you get too close, you would hurt me. The walls that protected me also kept me a prisoner of fear and despair.

Someone in Al-Anon recommended that I read two of the books written by Melody Beattie called Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency. I saw so much of myself and my family in those books. I also learned about healthy boundaries and how to use them. I recently recommended these books to my friend who is new to Al-Anon. They are wonderful resources to having healthy relationships with others and with yourself.

The first step, for me, in setting boundaries was to let down my walls. This wasn't a one-time occurence. In learning to do boundaries, it is a back and forth process of letting down the walls, getting scared and putting the walls back up, noticing that the walls are back up and letting them down again going back and forth until you feel safe without the walls. In the beginning, it is like a pendulum swinging back and forth until the swings became less and less until you finally find balance near the center.

You know that you have healthy boundaries when they protect you from abuse and inappropriate behaviors without you hiding behind walls. You know that you have set healthy boundaries for yourself when you recognise that you are no longer abusing others with your own set of inappropriate behaviors. You know that you have healthy boundaries when you are no longer abusing yourself with your own inappropriate behaviors.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for the inspiration and the flow of energy to write these words and to share them with others.
Patricia