Self-awareness And Healing Controlling Behaviors

Page 216, The Invisible Force: 365 Ways to Apply the Power of Intention to Your Life, written by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer:

"Be aware that learning to identify ways in which you're creating your own obstacles can be tremendously enlightening."

I have been blessed to use books like this one at different stages in my healing to give me more self-awareness. Only though self-awareness does healing have a chance of happening.

I used the 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon to give me self-awareness too. Those meetings taught me about self-worth, dysfunctional behaviors and the dysfunctional family system that resists all change. 

Those meetings introduced me to the books Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency both written by Pia Melody. I learned about abandonment and my own controlling behavior. I was able to identify a behavior that was causing me major unhappiness in my life---controlling.

Trying to control everything and everyone in my life in order to feel safe only created more obstacles for me to overcome during my healing process. The stress that I was creating for myself with my own behavior was unbelievable. The perfectionism and responsibilities that I put on myself were too much, but I didn't know how to live without them. In the dysfunctional family system of my childhood, I was the family hero and taught that I had to be perfect or I wasn't good enough and I was always at fault. I was also given the responsibility to make everyone else happy, often at my own expense. All of those set me up to become a controller as an adult. Add on that I thought if I could control everything that I would be safe from abuse.

The 12-Step slogan "Let Go And Let God" helped me tremendously. I made lots of mistakes and lots of apologies as I changed my controlling behaviors. I used affirmations like the one above to help me see and change my behavior. I did lots of writing and talking to friends and in 12-Step groups as I figured things out and got new self-awareness. I looked at the lies of my abusers and at the lies that I told myself. While learning to love myself, I looked at what was my responsibility and what was not. I read every book I could find about incest, alcoholic family systems and codependency. 

For 3 years, I used a God Box to teach me the principle of "Let Go And Let God". If you don't like the idea of God, use the Universe or your own Higher Self. Call the box whatever you want or don't call it anything. Do what is necessary to let go of the stuff that is not yours to handle. I will leave a link at the bottom of the page explaining how the idea of a God Box works.

You don't need the stress of trying to control the world. The world is much too big for one little person to manage. You are doing yourself and those around you a disservice by trying. Healing doesn't have time to happen when you are too busy trying to control everything else. 

All controlling does is take you away from what you are feeling and is a distraction from what is going on inside of you. Controlling behaviors keep you focused on others, not on yourself. Healing needs you to focus on you, not on your abuser's current behavior, not on what your spouse might be doing today, not on your friend that goes from drama to drama. They will all survive without your help/interference. Without your attention/advice, they might even start to look at their own lives with a sense of self-awareness. Become an example of what healing looks like by focusing on and healing your own stuff. 

Let go of the fears of childhood that keep you trying to control everything. Look at those fears, one at a time. Become friends with your fear. See fear for what it is---mostly unrealistic and from your past. Help your inner child to see that you don't have to live in that fear today and she/he doesn't either. 

Know that you can't control another person, unless they let you and that isn't healthy for you or for them. You aren't meant to control others. You can offer better guidance by the example of how you live your own life. Others never have to follow your example or your words. Don't resent them when they don't. Giving advice sets you up for resentment when people don't do what you tell them to. You need to acknowledge to yourself that you really don't know what is better for another person. That person may need those experiences to grow, to see their own value, to learn a major lesson, or to learn what love really is. They may miss those lessons if you step in and try to fix everything for them.

Years ago, a very wise lady told me that when I try to fix things for others, I am, in effect, telling them they are too stupid to do it for themselves. I didn't like what she said. I never wanted anyone to feel stupid because of my words or actions. My parents did that to me as a child. I did it to others, until I learned not to.

Look at where your controlling behavior comes from and the fears that cause it. Then you can free yourself of those fears. You can stop controlling what isn't yours to control. You can't control other people no matter how much you may want to.

What can you control?
Your fears
Your words
Your thoughts
Your attitude
Your reactions

Look at your world through the eyes of gratitude instead of negativity. Use affirmations. Learn to meditate and find peace within your center. Learn to love yourself. Forgive yourself for the mistakes of the past and for the mistakes you will make as you learn to let go of controlling.

Changing any behavior takes time, persistence, focus and self-awareness. Give yourself all of those. Practice kindness and patience with yourself. You deserve both.

What changes are you afraid of? Why? What would happen if you make those changes? I assure you, you won't die. Keep telling your inner child that she/he is safe. Today you can keep her/him safe. You are strong, courageous, and wise when you listen to your own inner voice. Learn to love yourself. Loving yourself creates true safety.
I am Patricia.

Related articles:

ASCA Anonymous @
http://www.asca12step.org

The Secret---Affirmations Change Your Life @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/08/secret-affirmations-change-your-life.html

Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics Played Major Roles In My Recovery From Incest @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/01/al-anon-and-adult-children-of.html

Surrender---Using A God Box @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/01/surrender-using-god-box.html

Dialogues With Dignity And 22 Ways To Love Yourself @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/01/dialogues-with-dignity-and-22-ways-to.html

Fear Is My Fear @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/01/fear-is-my-friend.html

Resources For An Incest Survivor And Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/04/resources-for-incest-survivor-and-adult.html

Resistance Is Futile---How Do You Deal With Change?

From Daybreak, Meditations For Women Survivors Of Sexual Abuse, written by Maureen Brady, Page for April 19:

"Letting go is a never-ending process of relating to my resistance.

When I let go of my nearly unrelenting need to control, my belief that I can bend even iron with my will, I am released into serenity and trust in a power greater than myself. Then, almost immediately, I drop the most powerful lesson I have learned and take up my willfulness again. I ask myself in some bewilderment, why would I do this?

To some extent my need to control may have become excessive and obsessive because the loss of control in the sexual abuse was so great that I needed to make up for it. But regardless of my story, it is also a very human characteristic to grasp for control. The way to work with this is through a daily practice of noticing what I am clinging to---a thought, a feeling, a memory, a determination to make a situation come out a certain way---and uncurling my grip as a gesture of release and watching what I am clinging to float away. Releasing my willful attachments creates space and sustenance for my soul."


How often do you resist change? I find myself resisting change just about every time that it comes into my life. I deal better with smaller changes than I do big ones so that is some improvement. I have to remind myself, to use a phrase from Star Trek Next Generation, "Resistance is futile." Resistance just makes change harder and slower but change still moves forward anyway despite my resistance. Often resistance just gives me a headache and it still doesn't stop the change from happening.

Resisting change is very much about the need to control---your environment, other people and their behavior, and your reactions to those people and environments. If you are controlling then you can feel safe. Controlling, as I have said many times before, is just an illusion that you are in control. Life, the Universe, God---these are what are really in control. Your choice is to go with the flow or to resist. Going with the flow doesn't mean that you don't have dreams or make plans for your future. Going with the flow means that you don't resist the change that Life sometimes throws at you when you don't know what the bigger picture is. It means letting go of the need to control what isn't my responsibility in the first place.

You might be interested in reading the article from the blog The Rat Race Trap written by Stephen Mills at the following link:

http://www.ratracetrap.com/the-rat-race-trap/an-optimal-balance-to-your-life.html . The article is called "An Optimal Balance to Your Life. Part of my above paragraph came from my comment to Stephen's article about balance.
Patricia

The Wisdom Of Letting Go

the Little book of Letting go, a revolutionary 30-day program to Cleanse your Mind, Lift your Spirit and Replenish your Soul, written by Hugh Prater in 2000 was introduced to me by a friend who passed the book on when she no longer had room in her book shelf. I instantly grabbed onto the book when I saw the title. Boy, am I glad that I did. This "Little book" as Hugh Prater calls it is so packed with wisom. I just had to share it even though I just started reading it.
One of the first gems of wisdom that I read was on page 5:
"Not only do we give people a piece of our mind, we give them a piece of our happiness, wholeness, focus, and sometimes, a piece of our health."

Who are you giving your piece/peace of mind to? What will it take for you to stop giving away your peace? These are questions I am going to start asking myself. How about you?


Also on page 5 is the following statements:
"Our lives are filled with useless battles because our minds are filled with useless thoughts. We never finish thinking about anything. We carry around unhappy scenes from the past as if they are still happening, and we chew on the memory of whatever we just did. This glut of thoughts profoundly affects the world we perceive and the life we live."

I know that I am guilty of doing this. What parts of the past are you still holding on to? What in your past is still hurting you? What will it take for you to let go of that hurt and those past events or relationships? What will give you closure? I am asking myself these same questions that I am asking you.


This statement on page 7 comes from Hugh Prater's wife, Gayle:
"Make your state of mind more important than what you are doing."

To do this, you have to ask the question, "What is important to your peace of mind?" None of the rest is important. A good question to ask yourself is, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" That simple question should stop some of the outward battles that the ego likes to involve you in.

This is just a brief sharing of the treasures that I have found in this book just in the first few pages. I will share more as I get further into the pages of this book.
Peace and blessings to you.
Patricia

Five Healing Lessons Learned From Pain

For today's post you will need to click on the following link:

http://www.thenext45years.com/2008/02/five-healing-lessons-learned-from-pain.html

This will take to you the article Five Healing Lessons Learned From Pain that I guest authored for Alex Blackwell at his blog "The Next 45 Years." I thank Alex for asking and giving me this opportunity to expose new readers to my writings. It has been a learning experience for me to write this article, as all articles are. This one was different because as a blog owner, we all have certain expectations for what we want our blog to say. That is as it should be.

I always write my blog articles just like I have written my journal entries in the past. One reason that I write from the "I" position in my articles is because I am speaking mostly from my own personal experience and my own point of view. I feel that it is less threatening for the reader that way.

In writing this article for Alex, my first copy was mostly from the "I" position. Alex prefers and does his writing from the "you" position to get his readers more involved in his writing. Both points are very valid. Both points have their pluses and minuses for the author and the reader.

When Alex asked me to do a revision of my article and use more of "you" rather than "I", I wasn't sure that I could do it. Once I started writing, as most of my articles do, the words started to flow. The finished product also had more information. Each time that I rewrite an article, new information comes in to be included so in that way the finished article is much better than what I first presented to Alex to post.

What I want you, my regular readers to do is to tell me which style you prefer, the way I usually write or this slightly different style. Please come back here to share those ideas about my writing style. Thanks for your input. Don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. I have a thick skin. I wouldn't have asked, if I didn't want to know. I am curious. Growth, even in writing, is about change. Writing this article was a growing experience for me. Again, thanks, Alex, for the experience.
Patricia

Let Go And Let God---Al-Anon Slogan

I chaired the meeting for my Al-Anon group last night. It has been over ten years since I chaired a meeting. I took a break from meetings and learned to live what I had learned. I only recently returned to Al-Anon meetings because a friend asked me to accompany her to them.

I couldn't decide what to do the meeting on so I called my friend and asked what she, as a new-comer to Al-Anon, needed the meeting to be about. She said, "Let Go and Let God." This is one of the many slogans that we learn and use in Al-Anon.

I started the meeting with the following reading from Hope for Today, AL-ANON FAMILY GROUPS, 2002, page 320:

"When I heard 'Let Go and Let God' for the first time, it didn't make sense to me. Let go of what? And let God do what? The little I did understand was the futility of my efforts to try to control other people, places, and things. Al-Anon told me I could turn my attention to monitoring myself and my reactions.

I let go of other people and I began to feel some relief. I let go of what others said or didn't say, and what they did or didn't do. I let go of my expectations. I no longer felt a need to be a people-pleaser. As I let go, I found I lived more harmoniously with myself and with others. I began to take more responsibility for myself. I figured if I could accept myself, I could accept other people too.

I let go of outcomes. It was okay if things didn't go the way I envisioned. Sometimes the results were better than I anticipated. It was no longer important that others read from the script that my expectations had written.

As I let go, I learned I could let God. 'Letting God' doesn't mean I abdicate my responsibilities. In fact, I become more accountable for myself. 'Letting God' indicates that I accept my imperfections and grow toward the person I dream I can be. 'Letting go and letting God' means I can enjoy being responsible for what is rightfully mine and leave the rest to God.

Thought for the Day
'Let go' comes before 'let God' for a reason. I can't expect God to do anything if I am still holding onto my problem.
'When we put this slogan to work, we get out of the way.'
How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics, p. 76"

I could not have found a better reading to explain this slogan, "Let Go and Let God". The above reading says it all.

"Let Go and Let God" is not about enabling yourself to continue in the victim mode. When I first heard the word surrender, which is used a lot with Let Go and Let God, I thought to myself, "I will not be a doormat like my mother was to my father. I will not let someone else tell me what to say, do and think like my dad did when I was a child." I was in open rebellion to this idea until I began to understand the concept as expressed in the reading above.

Growing up with incest and a father that was a dictator who controlled everything and everybody in my family, I learned from an expect on being controlling. I was in Al-Anon for a few years before I realized that I had become my dad in trying to control. Notice that I said "trying to control."

Control is an illusion. What I realized was that the more I tried to control everything, the more out of control I became. I could not have imagined the freedom that came when I Let Go and Let God and stopped trying to control my world.

You only see the person that I am today. I hope by giving you glimpses of who I was that maybe you will learn from my experiences and not have to do the same thing in your own life. I know that some of you will make the decision to face the same challenges and have the same lessons to learn from those challenges that I did. Some of you will travel down that very same road. I can't and shouldn't try to stop you from doing just that, no matter how painful I know it will be for you. This is especially hard to do if it is my child that I see traveling down this road.

Well, today, I can Let Go and Let God and Let You. I couldn't always do that. I wanted to fix you and your problems so that I wouldn't have to look at my own. Today, I know it isn't my responsibility to fix anyone else. I am doing an injustice to you if I try. Today, I can say, "Have a glorious day, unless you choose to do otherwise." and mean it. What you do with your life is your choice. Today, I choose to Let Go and Let God. How about you?