Thursday, September 30, 2010

Interview By Cyrus Webb: "Should Love Ever Hurt?"

On Monday, October 4, 2010 at noon Central Standard Time, USA, I am being interviewed by Cyrus Webb on his radio talk show Conversations Live! Radio on Blog Talk Radio.  My interview is the first of a series of interviews that Cyrus is doing for the month of October.  The topic of our conversation will be "Should Love Ever Hurt?"  Cyrus will be looking at abuse in all of its many forms while doing the October interviews.  Why this topic?  October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  I am honored to be a part of this series of interviews which will spread the news that love should never hurt. 

The link for this interview is at the following website:

If you can't be around for the interview when it is done live on Monday, October 4 at noon, it will be archived.  I will do an update with the link to the archive after the interview is done.

Be sure to follow all of the interviews that Cyrus does for the month of October about Domestic Violence.  I know I will be following them all.  Thanks Cyrus for asking me to be a part of your series "Should Love Ever Hurt?"

Friday, September 17, 2010

September 2010 Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: Inner Child Is Posted

Dan L. Hays, over at his blog Thoughts Along The Road to Healing, is hosting the September 2010 Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse:  Inner Child.  Not just one or two, but five of my recent posts from my Inner Child Letters Series are included in the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse.  Dan says about this month's theme, "Welcome to the Inner Child edition of the Carnival Against Child Abuse.  We will honor our inner child, and share how that child has been such a vital part of our path to healing!"  Thanks Dan for hosting the Carnival this month.

Here is the link to Dan's blog post:

I hope that you will join me in going and reading and commenting on all of the wonderful blog posts written about the healing of our inner children.  This isn't work for the lighthearted, to use an old cliche.  Why do it you might ask?  Healing the inner child, parenting your inner child is a big part of the healing that is needed to go from victim to survivor.  The inner child is that part of us who was abused, that stopped growing when we were abused.  The inner child is the part of us that still carries the pain, anger, shame and hurt of the child that was abused.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Your Parents Did The Best They Could

When I first heard someone say that my parents did the best they could in raising me, I would automatically, in my mind, say, "No, they didn't!"  I would feel so angry at my parents and at the person who said that statement.  I was usually in a 12-Step meeting when someone said it.  I just knew that they were wrong.  My parents did not do the best that they could.  They abused me physically, emotionally and sexually.  How could that be the best that they could do?

Then people started saying, "Your parents did the best they could with the tools that they had."  Well, wherever they got the tools, they were pretty poor tools.  That calmed my angry a little bit but not much.  It still didn't feel right to me but since I was just beginning to feel, I wasn't sure why it didn't feel right.

Then one day a friend said, "Your parents did the best they could with the tools they had and it wasn't good enough."  Finally someone else was saying what I was thinking.  I could wholeheartedly agree with that statement even after I had worked through a ton of anger.

This week I was reading from the Dennis Wholey book Becoming Your Own Parent, The Solution for Adult Children of Alcoholic and Other Dysfunctional Families.  On page 237-238, Robert Subby, M. A. talks about this very subject.

Robert Subby says, " 'Well, Mom and Dad did the best they could at the time they did it with the skills and tools they had.' "
"That's all well and good, and who's going to argue with that logic, except that it invalidates all the facts about things they didn't do right.  'With that kind of thinking,' I tell them, 'you don't have any right to feel sad or angry because 'they did the best they could.' That way you end up minimizing your own reality and invalidating yourself.  What I want to hear from you is what you feel and that what happened to you back there really happened.  I want to hear you say that you have a right to those feelings and that those mistakes were not your fault.  Don't sit here and pay me good money and defend your mom and dad.  They don't need you to defend them.' 'But I feel guilty,' the adult child says.  And I tell that adult child, 'That's an issue you're going to have to accept.  Some part of you makes you feel guilty for having real feelings, and that's not Mom and Dad anymore---that's you.' "

Thank you Mr. Subby for saying it so well.  He says we have a right to feel angry, sad and hurt.  Those feelings validate the reality that we lived through as children.  He goes on to teach another valuable lesson when he says, " 'Now enough about them [your parents].  Who's been responsible for your life since you were twenty?' Ultimately, for adult children, that's the bigger issue."
"You must come to embrace personal responsibility.  As adults, you have rejected yourself.  You have abandoned yourself.  Given your history, it's understandable why.  That's what you were trained to do.  That's what feels comfortable."

True recovery starts when you realize what you are responsible for in your adult life and you forgive yourself for all of those times that you abused yourself by rejection, abandonment and disconnection from feelings or body.  You did the best you could with the tools you had and it wasn't good enough.  You deserve better.  You can't change the past but you can choose a better future.  Is it time to forgive yourself?