Your Heart Is Tired---An Effect Of Incest And Grief

"Your heart is tired." he said with some surprise sounding in his voice.  This is the second time over the past year that my intuitive healer friend has told me that my heart is tired.

Both times, I agreed with him.  The past few weeks, I haven't been sleeping well.  My stomach and hiatal hernia have been acting up.  Spring time means my allergies are acting up.  I get earaches and sinus drainage with sore throats and headaches.  My energy levels have been very low.

My husband tells me if I would exercise I would feel better.  I tell him you have to have energy to exercise.  I just don't have the energy right now, haven't had it for several weeks.

My intuitive healer friend says nothing is wrong with my heart.  My heart is just tired.  I nod my head in agreement.  I feel the overpowering tiredness in my body.  His words make me want to cry.  I have known tiredness as a part of my life for so long a time.  Since I started my healing from incest, sometimes the tiredness lifts for short periods of time.  Then it comes back.

The rest of this post is a conversation with my heart:

Heart - Yes, I am tired.  What do you expect?  I have felt so much hurt, so much betrayal and disappointment throughout our lifetime.  Tiredness is one of the effects of the incest.  Tiredness and Sadness walk hand in hand in my world.  I have carried so much grief in this lifetime.  It is a wonder that I haven't stopped beating all together.  I have carried such a heavy load for most of our life.  Others have given up.  We haven't.  Guess we are both just too stubborn.

Heart - I could cry, cry, cry and there would be little difference in the size of the grief that I hold inside.  Grieving is the key to healing from the incest.  Yes, you have done anger work and you have done heavy grieving in the past.  The time for you to grieve has returned.  In that grieving, you will peel away another layer of abuse issues.

Patricia - Heart, how can I grieve without knowing what the issues are?  I don't know what happened to me before age three and again at age seven.

Heart - You don't have to know.  Just let the feelings flow.  Feel the grief.  Feel it.  Go through it and then let it go.  The important thing is to feel.  Don't use food to medicate and stuff the feelings.  Let go of any denial and fears.  I know that you want to throw up as we are writing this.  That feeling is okay too.  As your heart, I feel it right along with you.  Having this conversation between you and me is very helpful.  You aren't running away.  You are listening to what I am saying.  You know in your heart (me) that all I am saying is true.  Yes, you have a headache starting.  The headache comes from the part of you that would rather intellectualize things instead of feeling the pain and the grief.  I won't die and neither will you if you feel the grief.  I might die if you continue to ignore me and the grief.  Stress can do that to a person and a heart.  Denial causes stress.  If you need help, watch movies or read books or listen to stories that make you cry.  Crying gives you access to the grief.  Crying can release the grief from your heart and any other parts of your body that you might be holding it.  Many people carry grief in their belly too.

Patricia - Is that why I cried over a Facebook comment, a YouTube video and a comment on Twitter over the weekend?  Heart, you don't have to answer that question.  I know the answer is yes.  I know that is why three different people brought silent screams of child abuse to mind for me this past week.

Patricia - A Twitter friend - BraveKidsVoices - asked me to write about incest being the most common form of child abuse.  She sent me an article to read on the subject of incest.  I read part of the article about 3 days ago and haven't been able to read more.  The post adds to my sadness.  I had no idea of the prominence of incest across the world today and back into the pages of history.  It makes me sad that so many other children have felt the same feelings that I have for most of my life. (I will write the post that BraveKidsVoices asked me to write, just not right now.)

Heart - The actual incest experience itself that took place when you were a child took its toll on both of us.  Hiding the incest from the world and from yourself started the sadness and grief.  Then as a young adult, adding denial of the incest happening created so much more stress in our life.  I know that you have memories as a child of feeling that heavy clock of sadness and feeling completely surrounded by the sadness.  Young children shouldn't have to feel that much sadness.  You were made to feel responsible for your own abuse.  You feel sad because of that too.  All of that sadness over the years has grown and placed an awful toll on me.  Is it any wonder that I am so tired?  I have memories of you as a happy toddler before the sadness settled heavy onto both of us.  The weight has grown over the years.

Patricia - Heart, thank you for sharing all of this knowledge with me.  I have several friends that I can share this with that can help me to release the burden from both of us.  Now that I am aware of where the tiredness comes from, I can address it.  No, I can feel it.  In feeling the grief, I can release it and let joy come back into our lives.  It feels odd signing this Patricia like I have all the rest of my posts.
Patricia