Just because I disagree with someone does not make them my enemy or me theirs, at least not in my mind. Compassion gives me the ability to look beyond the disagreement to see what issues may be bringing up stuff for the other person.
Self-compassion also gives me the ability to look and see if I have any issues being brought up by the disagreement. Through compassion, I can see the possible hurts on both sides. I can choose to forgive myself and the other person and let go of my own hurts and anger, if I have any. If I hold on to my anger and resentments, they only hurt me. They don't hurt the other person. Only their own hurts and resentments can do that to them. Compassion allows me to send prayers and love to the other person, as I pray for and love myself.
Healing is about love, first of myself and then of others. If I try to love others from a place of hurt and anger, it doesn't work. For me to love others, I have to come from a place of self-love. Where love exists, hurt and anger can't stay.
Part of self-love is not hurting myself for any reason. I don't own this self-love 100% of the time. I still sometimes put the needs of others above my own and I still, when really hurting from an issue, overeat. Right now I am overeating or grazing as my doctor called it because the idea of writing my memoir is scaring my inner children terribly. The idea of being that vulnerable and putting the secret of incest into book form is terrifying to them. Because of that fear, I still haven't written the first word even though I have told several people that I would.
Another equally important part of self-love is not allowing others to purposefully hurt me. Sometimes that means removing myself from that person's presence.
With today's access to Facebook, Twitter and emails, sometimes removing myself from that person's presence means blocking them from access to me on the internet. Many more people have access to me on the internet than those that I know personally in my own town. Some disagreements can be easily settled and friendships remain in tact. Others turn abusive and those are the ones that I won't stay in. That doesn't mean that I am judging the other person. There is a difference between judgment and discernment. That doesn't mean that I think the other person is mean or crazy. I just don't have to allow their issues to be transferred on to me and be used to abuse me with.
Until I forgive a person, that person is still controlling me. Forgiveness means working my way through any hurt and anger that I hold towards that person. Forgiveness does not mean putting myself back in contact with that person until they have forgiven me and settled their own issues. It does not mean accepting that person back into my life when they are still raging at injustices, imagined and real, that they believe that I have done to them. Something else I have learned is, if my heart skips a beat every time that I run into this person online, I still have a connection to this person. I still have a fear of being hurt by this person. I need to pay attention to this fear and work through it for my own well being.
If you are still raging and still blaming, you haven't reached the forgiveness stage. Forgiveness doesn't blame. Responsibility and blaming are not the same thing. Blaming carries shame. Responsibility does not. Responsibility is a two way street. I am responsible for my behavior and you are responsible for yours. Blaming can keep you stuck in anger and hurt. Responsibility gives you the tools to work through your feelings and gives you the ability to take back your personal power from the abusers. Personal power gives you choices you might not have known that you had when you were stuck being a victim.
Patricia
Related Posts:
Judgments - Discernments or Prejudice?
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/04/judgments-discernment-or-prejudice.html
Tools Of The Ego
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/04/tools-of-ego.html
Dialogues With Dignity: Progress Over Perfection
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/08/dialogues-with-dignity-progress-over.html
You Deserve Your Own Love Guest Post
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/09/you-deserve-your-own-love-guest-post.html
Self-compassion also gives me the ability to look and see if I have any issues being brought up by the disagreement. Through compassion, I can see the possible hurts on both sides. I can choose to forgive myself and the other person and let go of my own hurts and anger, if I have any. If I hold on to my anger and resentments, they only hurt me. They don't hurt the other person. Only their own hurts and resentments can do that to them. Compassion allows me to send prayers and love to the other person, as I pray for and love myself.
Healing is about love, first of myself and then of others. If I try to love others from a place of hurt and anger, it doesn't work. For me to love others, I have to come from a place of self-love. Where love exists, hurt and anger can't stay.
Part of self-love is not hurting myself for any reason. I don't own this self-love 100% of the time. I still sometimes put the needs of others above my own and I still, when really hurting from an issue, overeat. Right now I am overeating or grazing as my doctor called it because the idea of writing my memoir is scaring my inner children terribly. The idea of being that vulnerable and putting the secret of incest into book form is terrifying to them. Because of that fear, I still haven't written the first word even though I have told several people that I would.
Another equally important part of self-love is not allowing others to purposefully hurt me. Sometimes that means removing myself from that person's presence.
With today's access to Facebook, Twitter and emails, sometimes removing myself from that person's presence means blocking them from access to me on the internet. Many more people have access to me on the internet than those that I know personally in my own town. Some disagreements can be easily settled and friendships remain in tact. Others turn abusive and those are the ones that I won't stay in. That doesn't mean that I am judging the other person. There is a difference between judgment and discernment. That doesn't mean that I think the other person is mean or crazy. I just don't have to allow their issues to be transferred on to me and be used to abuse me with.
Until I forgive a person, that person is still controlling me. Forgiveness means working my way through any hurt and anger that I hold towards that person. Forgiveness does not mean putting myself back in contact with that person until they have forgiven me and settled their own issues. It does not mean accepting that person back into my life when they are still raging at injustices, imagined and real, that they believe that I have done to them. Something else I have learned is, if my heart skips a beat every time that I run into this person online, I still have a connection to this person. I still have a fear of being hurt by this person. I need to pay attention to this fear and work through it for my own well being.
If you are still raging and still blaming, you haven't reached the forgiveness stage. Forgiveness doesn't blame. Responsibility and blaming are not the same thing. Blaming carries shame. Responsibility does not. Responsibility is a two way street. I am responsible for my behavior and you are responsible for yours. Blaming can keep you stuck in anger and hurt. Responsibility gives you the tools to work through your feelings and gives you the ability to take back your personal power from the abusers. Personal power gives you choices you might not have known that you had when you were stuck being a victim.
Patricia
Related Posts:
Judgments - Discernments or Prejudice?
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/04/judgments-discernment-or-prejudice.html
Tools Of The Ego
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/04/tools-of-ego.html
Dialogues With Dignity: Progress Over Perfection
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/08/dialogues-with-dignity-progress-over.html
You Deserve Your Own Love Guest Post
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/09/you-deserve-your-own-love-guest-post.html
11 comments:
"Until I forgive a person, that person is still controlling me. "
Thank you for this one line.
Brandi, you are very welcome. Glad that line helps.
Thank you Patricia, this is a great post to start my day, something to contemplate as I work through something that's been on my mind lately. I really hope you will arrive at a safe place soon from which to begin writing. You have so much wisdom that needs to be shared. Abuse comes out in so many different forms, and taking personal responsibility for healing oneself is a major piece of stopping it. I love your writing and I'm looking forward to hearing about your progress toward that book.
Alene, thank you so much for your encouragement. I really appreciate it and you. I will keep you posted on the progress of the book.
Hi Patricia, I agree with everything you said on forgiveness. It isn't safe to continue in a relationship with someone who doesn't take responsibility for the hurt they've caused. It also isn't safe to stay in a relationship with someone who won't forgive you no matter how many times you say that you're sorry.
I understand how much courage you will have to muster to write your book. I still cringe sometimes when I think of the possibility of my family or one of their friends reading some of the things I've written online. I wish my family would have provided the validation I needed to heal from the sexual abuse and exploitation but they chose denial and pretense over me. I don't know where else I could go for the kind of validation I needed but to others who have also been abused. The things done to us were hidden in darkness and were of that darkness. What greater, more important work can there be than to take that evil hidden in darkness for so long, expose it to the light, and have it become a light for others who are still living in that same darkness.
I'm planning on writing a book, also. Maybe we can help one another find the courage we need.
Love,
Pam
Pam, thank you so much. Your comments are always so encouraging to me. Yes, we can journey together through the fear as we each write our books. I welcome the company, my friend.
Every word rings true, Patricia !
I am so grateful to find a sister who is walking the walk and honestly sharing it so that many may be comforted, supported and healed.
Celesteka, thank you so much for your words and your support. It is always nice to meet a new sister.
Colleen, thank you so much. I know the wisdom of your words. Very often my blog posts are written in just that way.
Beautifully put. I truly am enjoying reading your blog. Blessings.
Rev. Frances, welcome to Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker. Blessings back to you. I am glad that you are enjoying reading my blog.
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