Summer Fun And A Blow Out

I got an email today that someone hacked my blog yesterday and changed my password. Well today I got it back under my control. It was a lot easier to do than I thought it would be. I have had that password since I started my blog in June 2007. I was kind of attached to it but now I have a new one and will change it periodically so hopefully this doesn't happen again. I don't see any damage to the blog and I am grateful for that. Thank you, God, for that blessing today. I told my husband about it and he asked why would someone hack my blog and I told him because they can. I don't understand why someone would do it either. 

I have been really busy with our daughter and grandchildren here visiting for almost a month now. We went to Louisiana over the weekend and were on our way to a birthday party for a 4-year-old when we had a blow out on I-20 near Bossier City and Shreveport. The back tire on the driver's side of the truck blew out and the shredding rubber flew under the truck and shredded our spare tire too. We were blessed that Daniel was able to regain control of the truck without flipping it. We were also blessed that family was near by and were able to help Daniel find a spare tire that he could borrow until he could find two new tires.  We made it home around 11:30 Saturday evening. Our grandkids enjoyed the day because their cousin rented a water slide for the birthday party. They barely came in to eat during the day. 

When everyone goes home, I hope to get back into some kind of writing schedule here. Hope everyone is having a great Summer. 
Patricia

Being An Advocate And Speaking Out Does Mean I Am Stuck In Victim Mode

Wow! June is almost over, half a year is almost gone. Where has 2014 gone? So much has been going on in my house and family lately. I intended to write more here but have just been too busy. Our daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren came to visit. Our son-in-law flew home earlier in the week but our daughter and grandchildren are here for several more weeks. Daniel has taken them hiking at our favorite camping place in Arkansas. Our daughter texted me not long ago to say they were finished with the hiking and were going swimming now. Thankfully, it is only cloudy there, not raining like it has been here off and on for the afternoon. I was supposed to go with them but woke up with a headache and slightly nauseous this morning so I went back to bed for awhile. I just asked if I should think about cooking Supper and was told no so I am here instead.

Recently a family member that I thought understood about my advocacy work and the meaning behind why I blog unfriended me on Facebook because of all of the articles that I post that were taking over her page. She told me that I seemed to be stuck in victim mode and wasn't living my life, that I was stuck in the past and life was passing me by. I was hurt that this person just doesn't understand and doesn't see the good that comes from my advocacy. 

I was angry for awhile too. Then I let go of it. I am sharing this because I know other survivors have been told to "Get over it; to let it go; to get on with their lives; to just stop talking about it." usually by well meaning people that are in denial of their own pain. It does a job on your self-worth when someone so misunderstands you and your mission, especially when it is someone that you thought understood. 

I want this person and others to know that I do have a life off of the computer. So do most survivors. I share my passion for stopping child abuse because it is important if we are going to save all of the children from being abused. I also share because I felt alone so much of my early years of healing. I want other survivors to know they are not alone. I want them to know that they too can have a great life after abuse and healing. Healing work is hard but not as hard as being abused. We need to raise children who don't need healing. As long as pedophiles and molesters are still hurting children, as long as survivors are still being silent about their abuse because they think they are the only ones, my work will not stop. 

Unfriend me if you want to on Facebook, some already have. That is your choice and I honor that choice. Honor my choice to not stop being an advocate for children and survivors. If you choose to be silent then you are part of the group that allows abuse of children to continue. Hide your eyes and close your ears, just don't expect me to.  Child sexual abuse happens in the silence and will continue to happen as long as we let it. I was a part of that silence for too many years before I knew I had a choice to break my silence and speak out. We all have choices. I hope yours protects a child from sexual abuse. We have to educate everyone. If you don't believe me, just look at the court systems who are releasing offenders back out onto the streets to hurt more children. 
Patricia

Father's Day And Incest

I know that Father's Day, and Mother's Day too, for that matter, can be hard days to get through if you were abused as a child by your parents. You just don't have the good feelings that you would have if your parents were good at their jobs. You can even envy your friends who had good parents. You can take it so far as to resent that your own kids have good parents. No one says feelings have to be rational. They aren't always. 

I decided a long time ago, before my dad died, that I could celebrate the fact that my husband Daniel is a good father to our two children. I could teach my children to honor their father in the way that I can't honor my dad who sexually abused me as a child. 

Daniel is a good dad. He has always played an active part in the lives of our children. He changed diapers and cleaned up messes as well as being there for the good parts of being a dad. I was more the disciplinarian but most moms are. Daniel played with the kids more and made us all laugh. He has always been there for our children and still is today with our children moving into their late 30's. I think he has always tried to be the dad that he didn't have as a child. Daniel's dad was 55 when he was born and health issues prevented him from doing the recreational things that Daniel made sure that he did with our two children when they were growing up. Daniel's dad died shortly after retirement when Daniel was still in high school.

Neither of our grown children have had a chance to wish their dad Happy Father's Day yet because he went to a reenactment this weekend in Mississippi. He will be home around early evening probably. I know he had a good time because he and I have talked briefly a few times since he left but not today. I don't know if he realizes that today is Father's Day. I didn't until sometime Friday afternoon. 

Happy Father's Day, Daniel and to any of my readers who are good dad's to your children.

As I came on Facebook today and also checked my emails, I read other blogger friends' articles about Father's Day and so I am sharing those links with you here. They all talk about the mixed emotions that survivors share about their parents and why Father's Day is difficult for them.
Patricia

Fathers Day! @
http://speak4change.com/blogging/fathers-day/ 

Father's Day - Lessons learned, Love lost, Life Reclaimed @
http://www.mskinnermusic/home/fathers-day-lessons-learned-love-lost-life-reclaimed/ 

When Dad Enables Mom in Emotionally Abusive Family Relationships @
http://emergingfrombroken.com/when-dad-enables-mom-in-emotionally-abusive-family-relationships/ 

Judge Determines That Victim Doesn't Look Like Victim

 Judge Christopher McFadden, a Georgia Court of Appeals judge has overturned a rape verdict because the Downs Syndrome victim didn't act like a victim and the rapist didn't act like he had just committed a violent crime. This is despite his semen found on the victim's sheets and a doctor testifying that she had been raped. The judge ordered a retrial.

I cannot believe the arrogance of this judge to think he knows how a rape victim is going to act, like there is a set way that all of us react. He would surely have called me a liar when I finally started talking about my incest rapes. How does a rape victim act?

What we feel often doesn't show on our faces or by our behavior. Many of us shut down our feelings just to survive. I know that there are differences in being raped violently by a stranger or on a date rape or by a relative who he hates you and takes all of his anger out on you when he rapes you. My rapes weren't violent but I don't know that I was any less frightened by the acts of my dad or my uncle. The if you tell threats were there with me every day. Fear was such a constant in my childhood that I tuned it out most of the time in order to carry on like normal. I wore a mask of shyness and quiet all of the time. My friends at school gave me a surrounding of love that I didn't feel at home.

I feel so sad for the young woman in this case. She will needlessly have to sit in the room with her rapist again because this judge thinks he knows how a rape victim is supposed to react. If I lived in Georgia, I might would have to go to court and protest this judge not doing his job of protecting the victim.  

Here is the link for this article about this case.
Patricia

Judge overturns rape verdict because the victim "didn't behave like a victim" @
http://www.salon.com/2014/03/06/judge_overturns_rape_verdict_because_the_victim_didnt_behave_like_a_victim/ 

Child Abuse And Painful Memories

"Promise me you'll always remember that you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
                          ---Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh

Yes, that quote comes from a children's book and it is important for each of us to remember. Those of us who have been abused as children often don't see ourselves, our courage and our strength clearly, as others often see us.

INCEST SURVIVORS UNITED VOICES OF AMERICA on Facebook shared the following statistic. "Every 10 seconds a child is abused." Then they ask us to "STOP CHILD ABUSE."

When a child is abused, especially sexually abused, if they are like me, they have many bad childhood memories to work through and let go of as they heal. I recently ran across an article that I want to share with you about reducing the pain of bad memories. The article is written by Valerie Siebert. I am pleased to finally see more and more information and studies being done on the effects of child abuse. Here is the link to the article. I hope it helps you to let go of any bad memories that you may be holding on to.
Patricia

How to reduce the pain of a bad memory @
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/10777758/How-to-reduce-the-pain-of-a-bad-memory.html 

Men Can Be Raped And Be Victims Of Domestic Violence Too

Over the past five years I have been blessed to meet and become friends with a small number of male survivors online. More groups are beginning to be created to work with male survivors too. As we each come together and heal, the world becomes a better place. Our healing affects everyone that we come into contact with. As more of us, male and female, speak out about our abuse, the less others can continue to live in denial that child sexual abuse is still happening at alarming numbers around the world. Statistics show that almost as many little boys as little girls are sexually abused.

I remember how hard it was for me to break my own silence about the incest and the damage it was still causing in my life years after I left my abusive childhood home. For men, this is even harder to do because of what society expects from men. Men are supposed to be the strong ones and not be allowed tears of release that women are encouraged to cry. Men are men and supposed to be the aggressive ones, not women. Men aren't supposed to be victims of rape but guess what, sometimes they are. We need to change these stereo types. They aren't fair to men. We need to all be safe from sexual abuse as children and as adults.

As I run across more articles about male survivors and male abuse, I will be sharing them here to support my male friends who know what it means to be abused. I will do this to educate society just as I have done for female survivors and children ever since I started this blog seven years ago this month.

Here is a blog article about men and rape and a video from YouTube that makes you think a little differently about men being abused by women. Let me know what you think about both of them Please share this article and the two links with your family and friends as a way to educate them about male survivors. If you are one of those who think men can't be abused or men can't be raped, I hope these two links will change your mind.
Patricia

When Men Are Raped @
http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/04/male_rape_in_america_a_new_study_reveals_that_men_are_sexually_assaulted.html 

Reaction To Women Abusing Men In Public @
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRCS6GGhIRc 

Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker's 7th Anniversary As A Blog

"Don't spend your precious time asking 'Why isn't the world a better place?' It will only be time wasted. The question to ask is 'How can I make it better?' To that there is an answer."
                                     ---Leo Buscaglia

I haven't seen this quote before this last week when I printed it out as a reminder to myself to keep asking, "How can I make it better?" That was my thought behind starting this blog seven years ago on this day when I posted my first blog article. 

I knew that I wanted to make the world a better place for the next generational of children. I knew that I wanted to be an encourager of other survivors of incest. The past few years, I have added being an encourager of domestic abuse survivors and male survivors to that list as well. 

Seven years ago, the internet had quite a number of female incest and rape survivors speaking out. Over the past few years, more and more males are now speaking out and sharing their own sexual abuse stories. In the past year, I have met more domestic abuse survivors and have come to realize through their stories that I experienced domestic violence as a child in addition to the incest and growing up with an alcoholic. 

According to Blogger.com, my blog has had 244,734 pageviews of 435 posts that have been written and published since June 1, 2007. I wish to thank everyone who has ever come to my blog and read my articles. I hope you found hope and encouragement here. 

Blogger.com says I have 262 followers. Feedburner.google.com says I have 518 subscribers on this day. I thank my followers and subscribers for your loyalty to my blog. Some of you have reached out to me personally and have become my friends. Some of you I know through Facebook and Twitter in addition to your supportive comments on my blog. The number of followers and subscribers has been a steady growth since day 1 of this blog. I appreciate everyone of you. Thank you.

I look forward to another productive year of writing and getting to know more of you as you comment on my articles. I love people and people watching. Have a glorious Sunday on this first day of June 2014. Don't forget to ask yourself how you can make the world a better place.
Patricia

 

John Bradshaw Books And Healing Your Inner Child

Part of learning to love myself included connecting with my inner child. I needed to forgive her for not being able to protect herself when she was just a child. Giving the shame back to my abusers and listening to other survivors tell me that the incest was not my - her fault - helped me to accept that truth. John Bradshaw was one of the authors that helped me to let go of the lies and to connect with my inner child as well. Two of John Bradshaw's books that help me with this were:
1. Healing the Shame That Binds You
2. Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child

Another of John Bradshaw's books that helped me to see how dysfunctional my family was is called Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way Of Creating Solid Self-Esteem.

I wrote this article because I wanted to share the John Bradshaw books that helped me but also because I wanted to share the following article with you on steps to healing your inner child. A friend on Facebook shared it with me this week.

6 Steps to Help Heal Your Inner Child @
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/09/23/6-steps-to-help-heal-your-inner-child

I hope this will turn on your curiosity and you will want to read more of Mr. Bradshaw's writing.
Patricia

California Judge Releases Pillowcase Rapist

*********TRIGGER WARNING***********

A California Judge will release Christopher Evans Hubbart, age 63, from a state run mental facility by July 7. The judge is Santa Clara County Superior Court Judge Gilbert Brown. In spite of protects, the Pillowcase Rapist, as Hubbart is called, will be released. According to the article, that I will give you the link for, Hubbart was put in prison for 16 years for raping at least 40 women in the 1970's and 1980's. This rapist was released on parole in 1990 for a few months when he was put back in prison for raping another woman. In 1996, when his prison term was finished, he was put into a mental institution because it was thought that he was still a dangerous rapist. The judge and the mental facility now deem Hubbart as not dangerous to women.

If you live in the community of Palmdale, California, be aware, you will soon have a known rapist in your community.  I pray that this man truly is changed and that the GPS monitor will keep the women of the community safe. I would hate to live there or have my daughter or female friends living anywhere near this man.

I do not understand the judges and the court system that allows rapists - male or female - back on the streets.

Here is the link to this article:

"California judge says serial rapist to be released" @
http://news.yahoo.com/california-judge-says-serial-rapist-released-190825331.html

I share this kind of post here, on Facebook and Twitter to educate others. Someone has to let the court system know this is not okay. How can we protect our children, women or men from rapists if they are given light sentences and allowed back out on the street to rape again, as this Pillowcase Rapist has already done once.
Patricia

Blog Talk Radio And ISUVOA Guest Speaker Today

Sorry about the short notice but I am a guest speaker on Blog Talk Radio today for the ISUVOA Organization at 5:00 p.m. Eastern Time, 4:00 p.m. Central Time, 3:00 p.m. Mountain Time and 2:00 p.m. Pacific Time this afternoon, Sunday, May 25, 2014. I am their first guest and the show is 30 minutes long. There won't be a chat room open today but I hope you will come listen to the program. The show host will be Rachel Barret. We will both be meeting for the first time on the program as I share the story of incest and healing, my blog, my work and my mission. For those who are not familiar with ISUVOA the letters stand for  Incest Survivors United Voices of America.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/isuvoa-how/2014/05/26/patricia-caldwell-singleton-spiritual-journey-of-a-lightworker 
Patricia

Stages Of Loss And Grief For Incest Survivors.

Back in 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote her book called On Death and Dying. In that book she gives us the five stages of grief.
Denial and isolation
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Grief takes time to get through. Each person takes however long it takes to get through the grief. Some stay in denial longer, others get angry and stay stuck there for awhile before moving through to the other steps. However long it takes is individual to the person. You can go back and forth between the stages until you finally reach acceptance and the grief ends.

Grief isn't just about death. Each loss in your life brings grief also. With incest survivors, many losses happen because of the abuse. The earlier in childhood that the abuse starts, the more losses you have to deal with. If you don't grieve the losses, they pile up and add to the pain and to the length of time that it takes for you to heal.

As a child being abused, stuffing everything inside is the form of denial that is often used. The brain blocking memories is an extreme form of denial used in order to survive the pain of abuse. I know from certain clues that I have that I don't have access to some early memories. I have written about labeling myself an adulteress several times on this blog. 

As an adult, I used denial in order to try to have a "normal" "happy" life when I first left home and then the first years of being married. I told myself if I didn't think about the incest that I could pretend it didn't happen and it wasn't still affecting me if I didn't think about it. I did my best to convince myself of that and I hoped it was working for about 10 years as I grew more and more angry and unhappy. The denial came to a head one day when I heard myself screaming at my husband and telling him that I hated him and my life. A part of me was standing off watching and listening as I screamed those hurtful words at him. Thankfully that part of me stepped in and took control and knew that the person I hated was myself because I couldn't pretend and I couldn't make the pain and anger go away. That was in the 1970's and there were only 3 books on incest at the county library where we lived. They gave me a little bit of relief but not enough. Self-help books were becoming popular so I read everyone of them that the library had and worked hard on improving me as much as I could. I was blessed that my husband forgave me for those hurtful words that I threw at him that long ago day. 

Isolation played its part in keeping me stuck in the pain too. I felt totally alone in my pain. I always felt alone and different, even in a good marriage. I felt like no one would understand if they knew and I was afraid they would judge and blame me if they knew about the incest. I was married for 8 years before I told my husband because I was afraid he wouldn't love me if he knew. If I stayed isolated, then maybe no one would ever know. Of course isolation just added more to my pain also.

The next stage of anger really scared me. I knew that the anger inside of me had grown to rage. That is what happens when you stuff anger deep inside and don't deal with it. It grows. The only anger I saw in my childhood was my dad's rage and my mom's passive-aggressive behavior. When she was mad, she would get quiet and you knew something was wrong but you never knew what. She always denied that she was angry. The passive-aggressive anger was hurtful and crazy feeling because it was never acknowledged. The rage was scary because it might become dangerous and violent. I was afraid that my own rage would become violent too if I let it all out. 

I was angry that the denial didn't work. I was angry that I was abused by those who should have loved me and protected me. I was angry at myself for being a child and not being able to protect myself. I had to do some blaming in order to get though the anger. I don't recommend staying in the blaming stage because then you just stay stuck in the anger and you do need to move past the anger stage in order to heal.

Bargaining is that stage where you just wish it would all go away and you would do anything to make that happen. You have conversations with God and ask Him to take it away and you may even get angry at Him because He won't. Free will isn't free will if God takes away all of our hurts. It is our responsibility to work our way through the feelings, not God's responsibility to take it away. He loved me through it even when I was angry at Him.

Depression is the stage of feeling all of the deep sadness, shutting down the tears and feelings, and pushing them back inside. Louise Hay says depression is anger turned inward. I have grown to believe this for myself. I know from a very young age, I was full of sadness to the exclusion of all other feelings. I know I carried the deep sadness with me at least as young as 5 years old. It may have been there before that and I just don't remember. It seems like for most of my life, I felt that deep sadness. I didn't know where it came from or how to get rid of it. I hated to cry. I was taught as a child that tears just brought on more hurt from my parents. Have you ever had a parent tell you, "I'll give you something to cry about, if you don't stop that right now." Once I reached this stage of grieving, the tears started. I cried for a year at 12-Step meetings because I didn't want my family to see the tears. I didn't know how to explain them to myself, much less to them. At that point, I still felt that tears were a sign of weakness too. Today I know they are a sign of strength. I still don't like crying but I do it when I need to.

You can go back and forth between all of these stages of grieving until you finally reach the last stage of acceptance.  With acceptance comes relief. When you accept the losses then comes change when you let go of all of the pain caused by the losses. With acceptance the losses lose their power to hurt you any more and the abuser loses his power over you too. With acceptance, you take back your personal power and you move forward with your life. With letting go of the losses, you now have room in your life for laughter and peace to enter. 

Each time that an issue comes up, I find more losses to deal with and more grief to feel and go through these stages again. Today, I get though the grief in only a day or two or three, not weeks, months or years. Today I am aware of what it feels like to grieve. Today, I know that if I want to feel the joy, I also have to feel the grief when it comes. 

I am sharing the link that gave me the idea to write this post and to share my ideas on grief. Remember these are just my opinions and experiences with grief. Grief may be different for you. I do know that if you want to heal from incest, you have to allow yourself to grieve.

"The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief" @
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

Patricia

Origin Of Name: Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker

I have never explained to myself or anyone else where the name of my blog came from before today. That is because I didn't really get it before today. At the time that I started my blog in June 2007, I didn't understand the significance of the name. I felt guided by Spirit/God to name my blog Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker.  I listened to that guidance even though I didn't understand it, at the time. I have learned to follow spiritual guidance of that kind. It never fails me. God always knows better than I do. Today I got the significance of the name and will do my best to explain it to my readers.

All of my journey though healing from incest, and life in general, has been a spiritual journey, even when I wasn't aware of the spiritual side of it. My healing has taken me on a spiritual journey of reconnecting with myself and with God. I have learned to listen to His guidance through the wonderful mentors that He has guided me to through the years. When those mentors chose other paths that I didn't need to go down then I learned to turn inward and listen to my own inner teacher that God gives each of us because we are his precious children.

I learned that we are all Light Workers who shine our light for those survivors who come after us. Every time we share our healing stories, we are shining our light for others to see that healing is possible. 

I think the reason for making Light Worker into one word instead of two, which my computer considers correct, is because Lightworker is more complete, more whole. It is who I am. It is who you are. It is a new becoming for many of us. It certainly was for me. I am not sure that I fully understand that myself yet so I don't know if I am explaining it well. That part of me is still evolving and so is my understanding. 

I know that many more of us are sharing our stories and shining our lights for others than at any other time in history. I know that together we are stronger than alone. The journey started out with women leading the way to speaking out and breaking the silence of child sexual abuse. Now men are joining us in the fight to light the way for other survivors and to prevent more children from having to join the ranks of survivors who are hurting from what was done to them in their childhoods. When we are big enough and strong enough no one will be able to stop us. No more children have to be abused. We won't shut up until this happens. We are the generation that says no to child abuse.  Much more has to be done before it is stops but each day, I see more survivors - more Lightworkers - joining our march forward and shining their light. Soon the darkness will have no place to hide. We won't let it. 
Patricia

The Blessings Of Surviving Incest

"Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it."
                                             ---Buddha

I do believe this. I would never wish that another human being experience the abuse of incest that I went through and I know that without my own experiences, I would not be who I am today. I would not have the strength, courage or compassion that I have today. I would not have the ability to offer hope to other survivors. I would not have the wisdom of surviving that I have today. I would not have the stubbornness that refuses to give up even on the hardest of days.


"I Regret 
Nothing in my life
even if my past
was full of hurt,
I still look back & 
smile,
Because
It made me who i am 
today."
                         ---www.omtimes.com  as shared on Facebook

Here is my response to reading the above quote:

I love who I am today. Without the incest, I have no idea who I would be today. I have chosen to take the bad and turn it into sometime good - a me that I can be proud of - full of love and compassion for my fellow human beings. My strength comes from surviving what I experienced as a child. My courage comes from facing my fears and, believe me, they were many more than people looking at me today can see. My compassion for myself and for others comes from my past hurts. I don't want anyone else to hurt like I once did and for those who are hurting today, I can honestly say, "I know what that feels like." 

I expect honesty out of myself and anyone that I trust because as a child there were so many lies from the adults in my life. Once you have earned my trust, I trust you completely. If you betray that trust, I will walk away and not look back. 

Helping other survivors and sharing my story is the best way I know of to bring good out of the abuse.  Being able to help other survivors to heal brings meaning to my life. I have met some of the most amazing people because of becoming an advocate for children and other survivors. 

My world today is rich with friendships and family that I love. Many of those friendships are because of my advocacy work. I love you all. You inspire me to never give up and to keep taking the next step forward in whatever direction it takes me. I know that I am not alone. Neither are you.
Patricia

Incest, Healing And Moving Forward

I was in a conversation on Facebook a few days ago that stemmed from the following quote by Dr. Steve Maraboli. Here is the quote:

"THE TRUTH IS, 
unless you let go,
unless you forgive yourself,
unless you forgive the situation,
unless you realize that that situation is over.
YOU CANNOT MOVE FORWARD."

Here is what I said when I posted this quote on my Facebook page.

"For small situations, you can move through to moving forward pretty quickly. As an incest survivor, the process of moving through the feelings, forgiving myself and my abusers, letting go of it all has been a lengthy process that has taken years. There were many people who told me to move on, let it go, before I was able to. The truth is that letting go can take a long time sometimes. Talking about it, writing about it has brought it out into the open and out of the darkness of silence and abuse. In talking about it and healing my issues, I refused to be a victim any longer. Today I am moving from survivor to thriver and that is a very good thing."

Someone told me it takes courage to not let the incest define me. I do use the label of incest survivor in reaching out to others and in sharing my story, but I do not define myself as what happened to me as a child. I am so far beyond being that person that was molded by the hurt, the abuse and the betrayals. Working through the issues from the incest does not mean that I am stuck. I am moving forward, even today, years after starting my healing journey. Anyone that knows me well knows how far I have come from who I used to be.
 
I don't see myself as stuck in the past. I use that past to help others and I am still moving forward in my life each day. Child abuse has been ignored for so long and the only way that I see to stop it is to openly acknowledge it and to educate others. Instead of being silent about my own past abuse, I use it to let others know that they are not alone and can also heal. It is through silence that child abuse has been allowed to continue and flourish for so long and become an epidemic in our world.

Someone suggested to me this week that writing and talking about the incest can keep me trapped into identifying with the past situation and keep me stuck in my story. She suggested that I close that book and that I write a whole new story.  

Why would I want to disconnect from who I am? My story is a big part of who I am. My life is a story of success and others have told me, of inspiration. Why would I not want to share that with others who are hurting and think they can't ever get over it. I know that they can, with time and effort on their part. Sometimes you have to hurt enough before you are willing to move forward.

Incest isn't all of who I am. Everything that happens to me affects who I am. I don't know who I would be without the incest. I don't ever intend to shut up about incest and how it affected me as a child. 

If we don't educate people, who will. The child molesters will continue to abuse more children. Abusers thrive in the silence. They count on the silence of those that they abuse. They count on the subject to continue to be taboo in society. The silence gives them free reign to do what they want. I refuse to be silenced again.
Patricia

Sexual Assault Awareness And Child Abuse Prevention Month: From Tracie

One of the many blogs that I subscribe to and read is called from Tracie.  This week, I read, a little late maybe, Tracie's blog article from April 6 called "Get Involved In Sexual Assault Awareness And Child Abuse Prevention Month - April 2014". The article has some great information about sexual assault awareness and child abuse prevention. Thank you Tracie for the links, information and history about when April became the designated month to spread information about sexual assault and child abuse. I am glad that we have a month for drawing attention to these important issues and we need more than just one month out of the year. Thank you to all of the Advocates like Tracie who are doing their part in educating others. Here is the link to the article.

http://www.fromtracie.com/2014/04/get-involved-in-sexual-assault.html 

Please share this information with all of your family and friends.
Patricia

Learning To Love Yourself Enough And Health Issues

The following quote comes from Lessons Learned in Life, a website that I just subscribed to because I love the quotes that they share.

http://lessonslearnedinlife.com/stand-up-for-yourself-3/ 

"Learn to love yourself enough so that when someone enters your life that treats you negatively, you can stand up for yourself and have the strength to let them go. You can learn that it is okay to say no to anyone who is not willing to treat you with the love and respect you not only want, but also deserve. Have the courage to walk away from anything that does not serve you well. Search for your highest good."
                                                             ---Unknown

Here are my thoughts after reading this quote.

This is such an important lesson to learn. So many struggle with this one. You deserve to be around people who treat you with love, kindness and respect. That will only happen if you treat yourself with love, kindness and respect first. I do believe that we teach others how to treat us by the way that we treat ourselves and by what we allow others to do. When you love yourself and treat yourself with love and respect so will others treat you that same way.

Another quote that I love comes from Brene Brown and The Gifts of Imperfection and says, 

"I will talk to myself the same way I talk to the people I love."

Loving yourself means taking care of yourself and putting your needs before the needs of others rather than at the bottom of the list. This is a lesson I am still working on learning. Sometimes in your search for the approval of others, you take on too much and at some point your body says no to what your mind won't say no to. Sometimes you stretch yourself too far and stress finally causes your body to collapse with a headache or heart attack or pneumonia or cancer or some other disease or illness that tells you to stop, that you are taking on too much.

Some of you know that I have been dealing with headaches on an almost daily basis since last October or longer. Over the past several months, I have been to several eye doctors to see if my blurry vision could be the cause, had a small precancerous growth discovered and removed from my left eye and this week was told that my vision is very good for a diabetic. I have an issue with dry eyes that may be causing the blurry vision but not the headaches. 

I have been to my regular doctor and had an x-ray done of my sinuses to see if that could be causing the headaches and nothing showed up on those tests. Next, I had an MRI and an MRI Contrast done with everything appearing normal. 

So I am now working on reducing my stress levels which is what my regular doctor thinks is the cause of the headaches. I am working with a meditation CD that is specifically for releasing headaches and stress. I am taking short breaks away from the computer during the day and taking off nights and weekends except when I am doing my writing here. I am playing music and singing more often. Those both help me to feel great when I do them. 

The doctor wanted me to take Lexapro, an antidepressant, for about a month to see if that would help with the stress. I looked it up and talked to the pharmacist about it and decided not to take it, for now. I don't like the dangerous, possible side effects. Except for the headaches, I like my health where it is right now. I don't want to be a guinea pig for the drug companies, not with all of my drug allergies that I already have from the past. 

I went to the health food store and asked for a recommendation. I am taking L-Theanine for mental calmness and relaxation three times per day to see how that works. I also have a friend who is a Wellness Counselor that I will see soon and will ask for his recommendation. Herbs and homeopathy do not have the harmful side effects of so many of our modern drugs. 

I want my headaches gone and I want to keep the otherwise good health that I have. I will keep you updated with any progress that I make over the next month. If you pray, I would certainly appreciate being included in your prayers. Thank you, in advance.
Patricia

Child Abuse Prevention And Awareness: The National Center For Victims Of Crime

Because it is still Child Abuse Prevention And Awareness Month and because this is information that we all need to be aware of, I am sharing three links for articles from The National Center For Victims of Crime in this blog post.

Effects of Child Sexual Abuse on Victims @
http://victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/effects-of-csa-on-the-victim

Grooming Dynamic @
http://victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/grooming-dynamic-of-csa

Reporting on Child Sexual Abuse @
http://victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse

Do you know anyone who needs this information? Please share this important information. If we want to stop child sexual abuse, then everyone needs to know the signs of child abuse, the effects that the abuse has on children and adult survivors too. Do you know what kind of things to look for in a child molester as he/she grooms your child and you too? How do you go about reporting a possible child abuse case? I hope that someone finds this information useful.
Patricia

Child Abuse Prevention And Awareness: What Can You Do?

Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted, the indifference of those who should have known better, the silence of justice when it mattered most, that made it possible for evil to triumph."           ---Haile Selassie

Thank you to my friend, Faith McDaniel, another Advocate for children and survivors of childhood sexual abuse, who shared this quote recently on Facebook. 

This article came about because of a person on Facebook asking the question (paraphrased) what can just one person do to stop child abuse. His comment was that child abuse is so big, how can one person make a difference. Here is my answer to him.

You begin with one day at a time, one child at a time, and one survivor at a time. If you continue to do nothing as previous generations have done, nothing changes. 

I am proud to be in our generation which is no longer being silent about the abuse we have suffered from and through. I am proud that we do have a voice and aren't afraid to use it. One day we will stop child abuse in all of its ugly, evil forms, but we won't do it by remaining silent and afraid.

Any start is better than no start at all. Instead of the question, "What can we do to stop child abuse?" bring it down to the question, "What can I do to stop child abuse?" Make it personal. Make it real. 

Find one small thing you can do today and do it. Don't just talk about doing it. Don't say you will try. Try gives you a way to do nothing but talk. Do. Then tomorrow do something else. 

Have a conversation with someone about the signs of child abuse. Educate yourself if you don't know those signs. Post something about child abuse on your Facebook page or Twitter to educate others. Education is so important for parents and for children.

If you remain silent, nothing changes. Mentor a child. Give them a healthy role model of what it means to be an adult. Allow them to be children. Listen to the child when they talk to you. Really listen. You may be the only one who does. 

If you suspect child abuse, report it. Tell the agency that you call what you think is happening or what your feelings are. Don't keep quiet because you might be wrong. What is worse is that you might be right and you may be the only hope that child has. If you ask a child if they are being abused and they say no, that child may be too afraid of their abusers to tell you the truth. What does your gut tell you? If you tried to get help for the child and failed, remain a mentor to the child. You may be the only kind and loving adult in that child's life. You may be their lifeline to sanity.

Just think of the changes that could happen and the children who could be saved and protected if each one of us did just one thing each day to change the status quo. We can do it one child at a time.
Patricia

Child Abuse Prevention And Awareness: What Constitutes Child Abuse?

The following link is to the blog of a friend of mine who is also an Advocate for children and other survivors of child sexual abuse. He may be the first male survivor that I met when I first started out on Twitter. Now we follow each others' blogs and follow each other on Facebook too.

Since this is Child Abuse Prevention and Awareness Month I wanted to share his article on his blog The Wounded Warrior. The article is entitled "What Constitutes Child Sexual Abuse? I may have shared this blog post before but it is important so I am sharing it again for any who may have missed it the first time.

http://whatislove-2010.blogspot.com/p/what-constitutes-child-sexual-abuse.html

The article gives a definition of child sexual abuse, examples of what it can look like, and ways to recognize if it is happening to a child that you know. Please read and share this informative article with everyone you know.
Patricia

Child Abuse Prevention And Awareness: Spread The Word - Knowledge Is Power Video

On Facebook this past week, I met a new friend and Advocate for children and child abuse prevention. I met her through a wonderful and powerful video that she has done to keep children safe and knowledgeable about people who may want to touch their private places. I am going to share the video link here with you. The video is only 4:56 minutes long. I ask that you please take the time to watch it and then share it with anyone you know who has children. Please don't ever think child sexual abuse cannot happen to your children or to your friends' children or in your family. It can unless we give children the power to say no to someone touching their private places and we give children the power to tell and be believed. This video and its message is so empowering to children. The person whose idea and work went into producing this video is Nancy Goode Talalas. I will also put a link to her website in case you want to read the free ebook that was the inspiration for this video. Please support Ms Talalas and her efforts to keep our children safe.
"Spread the Word - Knowledge is Power"  @
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_6nTot7IhA


In case you are interested in the book that this video was inspired by, here is the link to Nancy Goode Talalas' website.

http://www.goodebooks.org

Sharing this book and video with others is one way that you can stop another child from being sexually abused like I and many other survivors were abused.
Patricia

Child Abuse Prevention And Awareness Month And NipperCat's Home

I thank God that today in the United States we have a month dedicated to Child Abuse Prevention and Awareness. April is also Sexual Assault Awareness month. Both are important and need to have the awareness of resources and survivors' stories shared. They can be interconnected because if you were sexually abused as a child, you were sexually assaulted or to put it simpler, you were raped. It took me awhile of talking about being an incest survivor because I came to realize that, yes, I was raped by my uncle and then my dad, each time that the sexual abuse happened because I wasn't given a choice, because my innocence was forcibly taken from me. Violence wasn't used like with many rape cases but coercion was. Fear was very much a weapon in the sexual abuse that was done to me as a child. Rage and threats were used to gain my cooperation and silence.

I want to reintroduce you to a survivor friend of mine that I have known since about 2008 or 2009. I met her through her survivor blog which is called NIPPERCAT'S HOME after a loving pet that she once had. Honestly, I don't remember exactly how I found Mary Graziano's blog but I instantly fell in love with the beauty of her words and her soul which shines through her words. Mary shares her story of incest through her writings which often, but not always, flows out in the form of her poetry. The link I am going to share shows one of artist Michal Madison's paintings called "SEEING THROUGH THE EYES OF A CHILD" before Mary shares her thoughts and memories from childhood and then shares Mary's own poem called "Through the Eyes of A Child."  Mary had written this poem sometime ago and recently edited it to change some of the wording. Here is the link:

http://nippercats.blogspot.com/2012/10/seeing-through-eyes-of-child-how-often.html

When I first met Mary, she was telling her story through her blog but she was so shy that I could hardly get a comment out of her when I commented on her blog. I could feel her shyness and sadness through her words on her blog. Her words touched my heart. As a survivor, I felt a connection to Mary through her sharing on her blog. Today I am proud to say that Mary has worked and overcome most of that shyness and has become quite outspoken as an Advocate for children and for abuse survivors. She proudly shares her story today. She inspires me daily with her strength and courage as she works with children and with other survivors. I am proud to call her my friend.

Another link that I want to share with you is of Mary sharing her story on a radio program for the first time where she and her story of pain and healing are the entire focus of the show. At her request and that of Bill Murray who is the show host, I went on as a panel member to show my support of Mary and her sharing. Mary was a guest speaker on the Blog Talk Radio program Stop Child Abuse Now otherwise known as SCAN. I hope that you will join me in listening to the archive of the show at the following link:

http://www.blogtalkradio/bill-murray/2014/04/05/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--805

Mary has become a very dear friend over the past few years even though we have never met. We show support for each other on a daily basis since we are volunteers in a Facebook group that is a support for members who are sexual abuse survivors in the form of rape and incest and some who are survivors of domestic violence. The group is secret for the protection of its members and the only way to join is by invitation. It is through this group that over the past year, I have come to realize that not all domestic violence causes physical harm. Any time that you live in constant fear in your home that is a form of domestic violence too. Verbal abuse and emotional abuse leave scars that can take years to heal.

Before I end today's article, for any of my friends who aren't on Facebook or Twitter or may have missed my announcements there, my MRI and MRI Contrast tests earlier this last week came out normal. That means there are no physical causes showing for the headaches I have been having since last October. My doctor last week said she thought they were probably stress related so it looks like she is right. As of today, I am making some changes in my life style. I am going to start meditating at least once a day and listening to music and nature sounds on YouTube as I am on the computer during the day. I will start out doing just those things while I consider if I need to cut some more of my hours on the computer. I will also be researching what causes stress and ways to deal with it. I thank you all for your love, patience and prayers of the past few months as I have struggled with this issue.
Patricia

Are You Happy Or Are You Just Settling?

Someone asked me this week if I was happy or if I was just settling for whatever came my way. After thinking for a little bit here is what I told her.

With my Advocacy work, I am doing what I believe in and that makes me happy. I think most of us tend to settle for what life gives us and waste a lot of time wishing for and searching for, but not finding, the "happily ever after ending of fairy tales. Life isn't a fairy tale.

You make your happiness with your attitude, your mind and your thoughts. Often, instead of looking at what you have and being grateful, you focus on what you don't have. Sometimes, you envy or become jealous of those who have what you want instead of going out and getting it for yourself. 

To make a dream come true takes action on your part, not just sitting around wishing. Be happy while you are searching.  Don't put off being happy for another day. Be happy today by being grateful for what you do have. Make the best out of whatever circumstances you find yourself in. Don't worry about anything. What does worrying accomplish? Nothing, it just brings you down.

Look for the gifts in your day. They are there. Appreciate and value them and yourself. Love yourself. Let go of any self-hate that you may be carrying around. Turn your life in the direction you need to go in. Then take that first step toward the future and your dreams.  (((Hugs)))
Patricia

Rainbows In The Dark - Book Review

Rainbows in the Dark: A Journey of survival from child sexual abuse is a book written by two friends Cecibel Contreras and Jack Stoskopf. Both are survivors of child sexual abuse. I have been fortunate to come to know Cecibel and Jack through Facebook sometime in the past year. They are both great advocates for survivors and children. We know each other though the sharing of our stories online and through our speaking out about stopping child sexual abuse. I follow the activities of Cecibel on Facebook almost daily. I don't know Jack as well.

I have a small number of survivors friends whose books I have read and reviewed in the past few years. From each of those books, I am formulating what I want to say and how I want to write my own book about healing from incest. The feeling of triumph over tragedy and the hope that I found in the pages of Cecibel's and Jack's book is the feeling that I want my readers to have when they finish reading my book.

In Rainbows in the Dark, Cecibel and Jack take turns sharing their stories of pain and of healing, of past and present, some in the form of poetry and affirmations or little snippets of advice. I really liked the way this book was written. The thoughts of each of them reminds me of the way that I process my own issues. I look at the lesson before me as it is laid out in my own words and then I look for the gift that comes from the healing. The gift is usually in the form of a new awareness about myself that I didn't have before.

I want to share the words of the authors as they describe themselves in the About the Author on the back of their book because it describes the feel of the book - triumphant and encouraging to survivors.

"About the Author

Cecibel is a triumphant incest and child sexual abuse survivor. More than a mere survivor, she has become a valiant warrior against sexual abuse of children and adolescents. She is the founder of Incest Survivors United Voices of America.

Jack Stoskopf has transformed from a small town country boy and sexual abuse survivor from Kansas to now living in New York City to become a writer and speaker encouraging those broken in spirit and to rise above victimization."

Rainbows in the Dark encourages survivors and tells them they are not alone. The book gives hope, talks about breaking the silence of abuse, and tells how Jack and Cecibel survived their own experiences. I hope you will join me in reading this book.

Here is the link to Incest Survivors United Voices of America for anyone who is interested.

http://www.isuvoa.com
Patricia

Incest And Domestic Violence - Hanging On To That Glimmer Of Light In A World Of Darkness

I want to start this blog post out by sharing the words of one of my favorite spiritual writers - Dr. Wayne Dyer. These words came from his Facebook page. I find them so true for my healing journey.

"Holding in negative emotions such as grief and anger is exhausting. Naming them and releasing them regularly through writing, movement, tears, singing, or making sounds frees us up to live full, vibrant lives."

"Naming them and releasing them regularly through writing. . . " is one of the things that I do with my journals and with this blog. Writing and sharing my words, using my voice to give word to my grief, anger and hurt is how the majority of my healing has happened over the years.

I ran across an article on the internet this week that agrees with Dr. Dyer about the usefulness of writing down our feelings. The name of the article is "The Mental Health Benefits of Expressive Writing". The author of the article is Michael Craig Miller, M. D.  Here is the link to the article if you are interested in reading it.

http://www.intelihealth.com/print-article/the mental-health-benefits-of-expressive-writing?nid=79974&hd=Full

Another link I want to share with you is from the blog ECHOES WHISPER FROM THE SHADOWS written by a dear friend of mine. The article that I want you to read is called "CHASING AWAY THE DARKNESS".  The title of my article came from the words of this blog article. My friend is a survivor of domestic violence in her marriage. I am a survivor of domestic violence from my childhood home. The circumstances are different but the feelings of darkness that my friend describes are very well known to me and continued throughout my early years of marriage, not because I was being emotionally abused, I wasn't. For me, I was living in the denial of how my childhood of incest and emotional abuse was still affecting me in my day to day life. I held on to that denial so tightly because I wanted it to be true that I could be happy with my life. I didn't know that wouldn't happen until I worked through all my issues from the incest and felt all of those stuffed and denied feelings. I wanted the fairy tale ending of happy ever after. I carried the darkness of the incest deep inside of me and many times would feel overwhelmed but nobody else knew about the incest or how to help me, if I had asked. I was so busy being "happy" and trying to fix everyone else's problems because then you would love me and I could be happy.

I also know the "glimmer of light" that my friend talks about. I believe it is that touch of the Divine in each of us that gives us strength to keep going even when life seems impossible, that element that refuses to allow me to give up when I am almost too tired to keep going. I see that light. I always have from my early childhood when I suspect I was being abused, but don't have the memories as proof. As a child, I always had this tiny spark in me that would hang on to the little bit of sunshine that would come into the darkness and guide me forward. I could always find some small bit of joy even in the darkness. I think that is the part of me that has always seen the blessings in my adult life. I have always been able to see some good in my day. I have the strength to find some gift in the horror of my childhood. Here is the link to my friend's blog article.

http://echoesfromtheshadows.weebly.com/1/post/2014/03/chasing-away-the-darkness.html

While you are there, check out her poetry under the title Living With Demons and her photography also. I love both of them. My friend is not an incest survivor. There was no abuse in her childhood. I just wanted to make that clear for anyone who was wondering. She is one of the people, who by sharing her story of domestic violence in her marriage, helped me to realize that there was much domestic violence, in the form of emotional abuse, in my childhood. She shares her story of domestic violence from the view of an adult. Mine comes from watching the arguments and verbal abuse that my dad did in his rages, sometimes while under the influence of alcohol, but just as often, not. This is another example of how someone just telling their story has helped another survivor to see the truths in her own life, truths that were still in hiding. Thank you, Debbie.
Patricia

Pedophilia - Does Sexual Abuse Hurt Children?

I was on a radio program recently as a guest where the title of the show was "Its a Family Affair - Pedophilia, should it be an accepted act? This radio program was presented by Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery on Blog Talk Radio. It was hosted by two of my friends and Advocates for survivors and children - Patricia A. McKnight and Michal Madison. Here is the link for the show:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamstalkradio/2014/03/11/its-a-family-affair--pedophilia-should-it-be-an-accepted-act

I hope you will take the time to read and share this link with your friends. Pedophilia is a topic that needs to be discussed if we hope to be able to protect our children from being molested. As you will hear me mention on the show, not all pedophiles molest children. My dad was not a pedophile. He molested me but he was also attracted to adult women. I have been told that not all pedophiles act on their desires. From what I have read on the internet, many do. They form groups online to talk about their desires and share photos of some of their abuse of children. It seems to be growing more and more each day. That is why I and many other survivors are writing articles to inform the uninformed public. We cannot remain blind to this problem if we want to protect our children.

The topic of Pedophiles came up for this radio program because of a blog article shared by another friend and Advocate, David Pittman of the website TOGETHER WE HEAL. The article that David wrote was entitled, "We can't prove sex with children does them harm" says Labour linked NCCL.  Here is a link to David's blog post:

http://together-we-heal.org/2014/03/04/we-cant-prove-sex-with-children-does-them-harm-says-labour-linked-nccl

For those of you who read David's blog article, this is happening in England but that doesn't mean it is not happening other places in the world. If these beliefs are accepted in England, it will spread to other countries too. We can't be complacent just because it is happening somewhere else. Thank you David Pittman for sharing this article from England. In the origin article that David mentions in his blog post, lowering the age of consent was also being discussed and lobbied for by the Paedophile Information Exchange. Here is the link to the original post.

http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/462604/We-can-t-prove-sex-with-children-does-them-harm-says-Labour-linked-NCCL

I don't need any studies done to tell you that sexual abuse does hurt children. The act does not have to be violent to cause emotional scars that never completely heal. Self-worth is affected which can then affect every one of your adult relationships. Some are afraid to have adult relationships because of their fears of being abused again. Many sexually abused children will grow up to have relationships that are full of domestic violence because they feel they don't deserve better. Trusting another person is hard for many sexual abuse victims, especially if those who abused us were our parents. Ask a childhood sexual abuse survivor if they were harmed by the abuse. They will tell you yes.

I have another link for you to check out to an article called "Sexual and Emotional Abuse Scar the Brain in Specific Ways" written by Maia Szalavitz on June 5, 2013. The research in this article comes from the American Journal of Psychiatry from a study of the brains of 51 women from Atlanta, Georgia. This article tested women but I would bet that men's brains would look the same for those who were sexually abused as little boys. Here is the link.

http://healthland.time.com/2013/06/05/sexual-and-emotional-abuse-scar-the-brain-in-specific-ways/

If you would like more information about Pedophiles, check out the book by expert, Anna C. Salter. I haven't read the book yet but I do intend to order it soon. The name of the book is Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists And Other Sex Offenders.

Well, I have given you plenty to listen to and read in this article. I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with all of this information but it is an important topic if we want to protect our children from sexual predators.
Patricia

Male Survivor Book Project - 2014 - This Tangled Web

Time is short for any male survivors who are interested in participating in a book project hosted by This Tangled Web. I know this will be a great book project to participate in because I, myself, have participated in 2 similar book projects that were open to all survivors of childhood sexual abuse. 

Here is the "book plan" as quoted from the This Tangled Web website:
"Book plan...To give a platform and a voice to male survivors of C.S.A ...a space for men to share stories, poetry, art work, blog extracts etc to express whatever aspects of the trauma and the healing journey they want to... and to list as many 'tried and tested' resources for male survivors such as websites, possibly other books. A similar format to 'Silent No More' but specific to male survivors."

Here is the link for more information. Please don't wait too long. Time is short if you are male and want to participate in this worthy project.

http://www.thistangledweb.co.uk/male-survivor-book-project-2014/ 

I have some of my writing in the first two books published by This Tangled Web and Kate Swift, the founder. The first book that was "A collection of works by 'Reaching survivors of sexual abuse' R.S.O.S.A Founded by Kate Swift." The name of the first book is Silent No More.  I was just one of 86 contributors - male and female - to this book.

The second book that I participated in with this group of writers/artists/survivors is called Growing Stronger, Growing Free: 'The journey of recovery from Childhood Sexual Abuse & the hope for healing'. It too was a collection of writings and artwork by 59 contributors. 

These books are available at  http://www.thistangledweb.co.uk

I am proud to have my name affiliated with both of these books and this great organization. I thank you, Kate Swift, for pulling these projects and survivors together to create these books to help other survivors speak out and tell their stories.

I would like to thank, also, all of my male survivor friends for breaking your own silence and having the courage to speak out and share your stories. It is through our sharing and becoming advocates that we will stop the abuse of more children in the future. Until we chose to finally break the silence of child sexual abuse, no one thought it was possible that it could be happening in their community, in their family, and especially in their own home. We are becoming stronger. Men joining women speaking out is a very big jump forward in stopping our children from being abused. Now the whole story is out there for all to see. I dare someone to try to stay in denial now. We won't allow it. Welcome brothers and sisters to the new abuse-free world that we are creating.
Patricia

How Would You Describe Yourself?

I was asked to describe myself to a group recently and decided that I would share my thoughts here with you. I like and love who I am today. I had to work to let go of the negative thoughts of the past and to learn to give myself value. Here is how I see myself today.

I see myself as a strong, caring woman who has learned that it is okay to be vulnerable and to open my heart to others. I have a great sense of humor that has helped me through some hard times. I can laugh at myself and see that I am very human. I make mistakes and do my best to learn from them so I don't repeat them because life has a way of bringing back lessons over and over again until we learn them. I love people. I am an extrovert but also need my quiet time to think about what I am going through and what I am feeling. I am quite vocal on things that I care about. If something isn't important to me, I don't waste my time. I am long-winded with my words, especially my writing. Focus is sometimes hard for me because I can see that a path can go in a lot of different directions and I want to walk down all of them just for the experience. I have grown from a shy, scared little girl into a strong, outspoken woman that has been called names a number of times for my outspokenness and for refusing to let another person control me since I escaped my alcoholic, rageaholic dad's control. Today I am more in balance with who I am than I have ever been before and I very much like and love that person that I have become.

Well, here I go with my flaws. I am stubborn which can be good depending upon the situation. I have a temper and it can flair up quickly without warning because I still sometimes let my anger build too long before voicing it. I am better with this and I am still learning to just say I am angry rather than holding it in until I explode like a volcano. If you lie to me, I will shut you out of my heart so quickly and I won't tell you why. I was lied to as a child by most of the adults in my life. Trust isn't easy for me. Once I trust you, I am loyal to a fault. I am outspoken and some people, usually those who want to control me, don't like it. I won't be controlled by anyone else. When I get scared, I get controlling. Now, I see the controlling for the fear that it is and I work on correcting the issue and addressing the fear. When I get angry, I still have a tendency to yell at you, another one I am greatly improved and still working on. I am honest to a fault and sometimes I hurt the feelings of others unintentionally because of it. I don't beat myself up for any of these any more. I used to.

I learned a long time ago that if I wanted to heal from incest or anything else that I needed to take a long, honest look at myself so that look has to include the shadow parts of myself that I might not like. I do need to acknowledge them if I am being honest with myself. Then I can decide if I want to keep those straits or if I want to work to change those parts of myself.

How would you describe yourself? Be as honest as you can. It's okay if you don't want to share the answer here. Write it down for yourself.
Patricia

Stop Child Abuse Now - SCAN - 790 on Blog Talk Radio

Hi, everyone. In case you missed my guest speaker spot on Stop Child Abuse Now (SCAN) on Friday, March 14, I will give you the link at the bottom of this article. Bill Murray is a great host who makes his guests feel comfortable and loved. Usually there is a panel of three or four others who add to the conversation with questions and experiences of their own. This was my second appearance on Bill's radio program.

I briefly shared parts of my childhood story because in my first time on SCAN's program, I shared in more detail about the alcoholism, incest and domestic violence that I grew up with in my family of origin. I will also share the link to that radio program at the bottom of the page in case you want to listen to more details of my life as an incest survivor.

Friday night's program was more about the recovery part of my journey. My biggest resource for healing was the 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon. I didn't mention it on Friday night but I also attended a Coda meeting for a short time. Coda is Codependents Anonymous. Most of us who grow up in alcoholic home grow up to be alcoholics or co-dependents. Sometimes we do both. One of the things that I told Bill and his audience of listeners was that I even though I don't drink, I have about 8 out of 10 characteristics of an alcoholic. I have no doubt, if I drank, I would be a mean drunk like my dad and his dad both were. I choose to not drink and not put my family and friends though that.

Here are the links to my two visits to Stop Child Abuse Now - SCAN's program on Blog Talk Radio.

The first link is to the show that I was on for Friday, March 14, 2014:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-murray/2014/03/15/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--790

My very first time as a guest speaker for SCAN and Bill Murray and his panel was on November 20, 2013. Here is the link for it in case you missed it back in November.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-murray/2013/11/21/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--708

I also want to introduce you to several other websites that are good resources for incest and child abuse survivors.

The Lamplighter Movement @  http://www.theLamplighters.org/http://www.ASCAsupport.org

Adult Survivors of Child Abuse @  http://www.ASCAsupport.org/

Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Anonymous @  http://www.ASCA12step.org/

I hope you find the above links helpful in your journey to healing.
Patricia

Stop Child Abuse Now - SCAN Talks About Pedophiles, Child Molesters And Incest

A few nights ago, I was listening to a radio broadcast of Stop Child Abuse Now (SCAN) with host Bill Murray and a panel of others who talked with a special guest, Dr. Anna Carol Salter, Ph. D., from Madison, Wisconsin. Pedophiles, child sexual abuse, child molesters and incest were the topics of discussion.

One of the questions that was asked of Dr. Salter was whether pedophiles and child molesters could be cured. She said, with the information available right now, she honestly didn't know. Something else that she said that I didn't know until sometime in the past year or two is that not all pedophiles actually molest children. They live with the urge to have sex with children but not all act out the urges. Not all pedophiles are child molesters. I am guilty, as are many people that I know, of putting them all under the title of pedophile. 

I have shared here that the National Center for Victims of Crime states that a child molester will sexually abuse 117 victims before he is caught. Dr. Salter said with boys that figure is higher. She said that the molesters that go after little boys will molest 150 boys before they are caught. For those that may not know the current figures say that one out of four girls and one out of six boys will be sexually abused before the age of 18. Another very important statistic that I have read is that for every one child that breaks the silence and reports their abuse, another six never are reported.

I hope you will take the time to listen to this radio program. If we ever hope to be able to prevent our children from being molested, more needs to be known about pedophiles and child molesters - why they do what they do, why some molest and others don't, can they ever be cured, what signs do we need to be aware of in order to protect our children.

Stop Child Abuse Now (SCAN) -- 785  @
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-murray/2014/03/08/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--785

Patricia

Childhood Sexual Abuse Links

It has been awhile since I have shared very many links from other blogs with you. Here are some that have been helpful to me lately:

1.  Triggers; what are they and how do we work through them? @
      http://survivorsjustice.com/2014/02/26/triggers-what-are-they-and-how-do-we-work-through-them/

2.  What I Wish I Had Known @
     http://speak4change.com/blogging/what-i-wish-i-had-known/

3.  15 Things I Wish I'd Known About Grief @
     http://identityrenewed.com/2013/11/21/15-things-i-wish-id-known-about-grief/

4.  Grooming - How Do Sexual Abuse Predators Get Into Our Lives? @
     http://together-we-heal.org/2013/06/17/grooming-how-do-sexual-predators-get-into-our-lives/

5.  Intimate Partner Violence @
     http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com/intimate_partner_violence.html#.Uxu474WtyYF


6.  Adolescent Male Victims Of Sexual Abuse - The Psychological Effects @
     http://whatislove-2010.blogspot.com/2014/01/adolescent-male-victims-of-sexual-abuse.html

7.  Incest Survivors United Voices of America @
     http://www.isuvoa.com/

I know the Intimate Partner Violence article and the article about Grief aren't about Childhood Sexual Abuse as the name of the blog post says but they could be in the life of a survivor. As children being abused, you have much grieving to do in the healing process. Every time an issue comes up to be healed, you start the healing with facing the grief that comes up because of the losses in your childhood. Many of us who are sexually abused also grow up with Domestic Violence in our homes. Many grow up to live with intimate partner violence because of your poor sense of self-worth that says you don't deserve better treatment from your loved ones.
Patricia    

Inner Child Work And Feeling Safe

It seems that I am doing some inner child work lately. As I talked about in recent articles, my inner child does not feel safe right now. The only reason that I can come up with is writing my book has opened her up to all kinds of fears. Fear of being exposed to the world, on a bigger scale, as an incest survivor; breaking the bonds of silence in a new, bigger way; being vulnerable to so many strangers; being open to recalling new memories. All of it feels overwhelming to her. I can feel her fear and see her shaking.  I wonder if her fear is what is causing my headaches, in an effort to get me to stop writing but I am not going to do that. I can acknowledge her fears but I won't give in to them. If I gave into fear, I would never have left home when I did at 19. I would have never broken the silence of incest. I would never had told my dad that he wasn't safe to be in my life or around my children. I would never have written the first blog article or talked on the first radio program several years ago.

I see how far I have come today and I am proud of the courage that I have. I will keep facing my fears as they come up and I will assure my inner child that she is safe. I will pay attention to what her feelings tell me. And I will continue to write.

I have decided that something that might help is to go back and reread the book Recovery of Your Inner Child: The highly acclaimed method for liberating your inner self written by Lucia Capacchione, Ph. D., Published by Simon & Schuster, New York, NY: 1991.  This book taught me the importance of writing with my non-dominant hand in order to give my inner child a voice. I haven't done any of that kind of writing in many years. Maybe that will give me some answers to what is going on right now rather than me just guessing.

One thing that I learned is that the inner child is the keeper of my creativity. I realized recently that it was her fear that was blocking me from writing. When I faced that fear, the words started to flow again.

Another book that helped me with inner child work is an affirmations book that I have recently shared from, here in my blog. The book is called Affirmations For The Inner Child written by Rokelle Lerner. This book takes you throughout the year with an affirmation to be read for each day of the year.  I wanted to share the affirmation with you from March 3 on Safety.

"It is safe for my inner child to emerge.

The child within runs and hides when someone wants to come close. He lets himself be seen only for a short time, then gets frightened and runs away to hide again. He wants so much to be loved, to play, to experience the goodness of life. But life is too scary. Indeed, life has never been safe for him.

It is time to make life safe for my inner child and I have the power to create a safe haven. Safety brings freedom not only to accept and love myself but also to love others.

As I concentrate on making a safe haven for my inner child, I will be aware of my friends, old and new. I will choose friends who are emotionally healthy or moving on the journey toward wholeness. It is within the loving bonds of friendship that my inner child can come out and learn to feel safe."

Another friend of mine who is working with inner child issues is Mary Graziano. I want to share the link to one of her blog posts called "Memories Still Do Hurt."
 
http://nippercats.blogspot.com/2014/03/inner-child-is-hurting.html

I hope that all of you are having a good week. Keep telling yourself that Spring is just around the corner. I think most of us are tired of old man Winter.
Patricia

 

Sharing Our Stories And Healing From Incest - Does It Get Easier?

I am going to start this blog post with a quote from one of my favorite authors/guest speakers today in the world of healing resources.

"When you stand and share your story in an empowering way, your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else."
                           ----Iyanla Vanzant

A special online friend of mine, Debra Estep, shared this quote with me a few days ago with the words:

"Patricia ... To you, the one who stands out there sharing bringing 'healing' to others"

Debra's words brought such joy to my heart, as well as tears to my eyes, when I read them. Debra has been one of my supporters almost from the very beginning of my blog. She and I were introduced to each other through our mutual friend Slade Roberson who inspired me to start a blog in the first place. I appreciate the support of these two friends who have watched me struggle and grow comfortable here with sharing my story and reaching out to other survivors. Their encouragement is always appreciated. I love you both, my friends.

Someone asked me recently, "Does it get easier?"

Sharing our stories gets easier as you do it. Healing in itself gets easier with work and with time. And that said, each time a new issue comes up for me, I still feel some of the old pain but not with the intensity of in the beginning. An issue doesn't take the months to get through that it once did. Today an issue is usually worked through in a short amount of time. The new issue may take hours or even a few days to a week depending upon how much time and effort I put into working through it. The feelings around the issue and the issue itself don't take up my entire life like it did when I was just starting to heal.

Healing isn't about taking short cuts. I don't know of any easy ways to get rid of the pain. You have to go through the feelings, many of which were stuffed inside and numbed by this addiction or that one. Healing is the most painful thing you will probably ever do but you will find sunshine and a good life on the other side. Be patient and kind with yourself. Stop resisting your own pain. Quit resisting your own healing. You don't have to beat yourself up for not moving as fast as those inner voices say you have to. You can quiet those voices. Like your abusers, they are lying to you.

As you go through your day, look for the little things that you can be grateful for - the little wonders that pass through your day, the moments of silence when you can feel the presence of God in your life, the awesomeness of nature and how it helps to center you in the middle of some of the chaos that working on healing creates. Find the gift of a new awareness that you gained today as you let go of the lies. You will always find the gift at the end of the lesson if you take the time to look for them. Did you find a new piece of yourself today to add to the puzzle that is you? You won't see it if you move forward with your eyes closed. Be open to whatever experience comes your way today. You may see yourself as broken and you can always be mended. Mended is always stronger than the original.

In my experience, you have to go through the feelings in order to heal and that hurts most of the time. You have to feel the grief for all of the losses of the abused child that you were. You have the strength to get through it, just one day at a time. My anger was the first feeling that I became aware of. As I looked closer at the anger and rage, I found that they were both often just cover-ups for more hurt. The sadness that has been such a part of my being since I was a little girl was because of all of the hurt and the grief that she carried inside. As I learned to feel and learned to love myself, I was able to work through and then let go of much of that hurt and grief. The sadness lifted and joy returned. I say returned because children are naturally full of joy when they are born. If you don't believe me, just watch a baby laugh. See if you can touch that joy inside of yourself. It may be hidden beneath the hurt and sadness of the abuse. The joy is still there waiting for you to reach in and pull it out. Find something in your day to make you laugh. Think of something that you really like to do and do it.

Taking breaks from healing are absolutely necessary. The work of healing is hard. You can feel really overwhelmed at times. You can lose sight of the good things in your life. Start a hobby that you really like doing. Your inner child will love the opportunity to play. She/He will reward you with the joy that will come bubbling up unexpectedly when what you are doing connects with that well of creativity inside of you.

Sometimes you need to just sit and watch a child play. Watch a movie that you know will make you laugh and sometimes a movie that will make you cry, if that is what your heart needs at the moment. Tears are healing too. Go out for coffee with a friend. Take your pet for a walk. Get out in nature.

Then once you feel better, go back to the hard, but rewarding, work of healing you. Because you took a break, you will be better able to handle tomorrow and whatever issues the day brings to you. You are worth it. Some day, you won't hurt as much. You will get through today. One day at a time. Instead of looking at how much work you have left, look back at how far you have come. Be proud of yourself. Reward yourself for the small accomplishments you make. Take a moment to enjoy the sunshine in your life. The world isn't only clouds but you know what? Some of the most beautiful days I have ever seen were just full of clouds. Look at how the sun plays and creates such beauty out of the clouds. Clouds are much more interesting than just a clear, blue sky. So is your life.
Patricia