Friday, October 9, 2009

Dealing With Change

A blogger friend of mine, Corinne Edwards, whose blog you will find at the following link , recently suggested that I would enjoy reading a new book written by Neale Donald Walsch. The title of the new book is When Everything Changes Change Everything. I finally started reading it last night. As you can tell from my most recent articles, I am involved in change right now.

Mr. Walsch's new book is about 9 changes that he says you all need to make when you are going through changes. These changes can truly change your life. So far, I am reading about the first change.

"Change #1:
Change your decision to 'go it alone'." (page 29)

Mr. Walsch says that most of us tend to isolate when we are having difficulties. I can't speak for you but for me that is so true. I have trouble reaching out and saying that I am having problems and asking for help. A part of me feels ashamed that I am not able to deal with this problem on my own.

Here is what Mr. Walsch says and it makes perfect sense to me.

"The reason that so many of us tend to self-isolate when we are facing big problems---and by the way, have you noticed that almost every really big problem you've ever faced emerged from something that changed?---is that we have never given ourselves permission to be seen as less than perfect, or as someone who does not have it all altogether." (page 29-30)

Does this sound like you? It certainly sounds like me. This is one area that I still have all of the childhood tapes playing in my head.

Mr. Walsch goes on to say, "We've also been taught as children that we should not 'burden others' with our problems. And finally, we've been told that most everything is our own fault anyway, so why would we go to someone else with it? It was made very clear that we made our bed and now we have to lie in it." (page 30)

He goes on to say that none of these things is true and that whoever told you this was wrong about it all. Here is where he really got my attention.

"The need to be 'perfect' and to 'have it all together' is a manifestation of a larger need: the need for approval." (page 30)

I still struggle with this "need for approval". This is where fear of rejection comes into my life. Every time that I write an article on incest or tell a new person or even tell a person who has known me for years but doesn't know that I am an incest survivor, I face my fear of rejection and fear that I will lose your approval and love. This is where I rely upon courage to help me deal with however you react to my article or my disclosure of more information.

Mr. Walsch goes on to say, "People want to help us. They do not feel 'burdened' by doing so. Quite the opposite. They feel uplifted.

Knowing that we've helped others brings us value, skyrocketing our feelings of self-worth. Life suddenly begins to make sense. Or at least to give us, in that moment, a sense of higher purpose." (page 31)

"We're all just running around trying to help somebody. Knowing this should make it easier to accept help---from a professional or from a loved one---when our own need is particularly acute. Why would we make it more difficult for someone to help us when help is exactly what we need, and exactly what others want to give?" (page 31)

I hope that sharing these wise words of Neale Donald Walsch will help you to be able to ask for help the next time that you need it. I know it makes it easier for me. I know that I don't have to try so hard to be perfect and I still find myself doing it in certain areas of my life.
Does any of this ring true for you?


Colleen said...

Oh yes, that need for approval. I still have that need. That need for approval, that fear of rejection. Great post.

Patricia Singleton said...

Colleen, do we ever give it up completely? It rules my life less than it once did. That is improvement.

Linda Pendleton said...

Sometimes we are our own worst critic.

Patricia Singleton said...

Linda, so very true and sometimes we are the last to see what has always been right there in front of us face to face.

Just Be Real said...

Patricia, ironically enough I just did a post on Pain of Isolation from the Courage to Heal book. I can so relate to what your post states. Especially, the need for approval and not to burden others with our problems. Well, really in fact everything I can relate to. Thanks for sharing. Very timely post. Blessings.

Patricia Singleton said...

Just Be Real, I will be sure to go and read your post. For anyone else who is interested, click on her name above and it will take you to her blog. Change seems to be what a lot of us are dealing with right now.

Jessica said...

Hi Patricia!

I didn't see an email anywhere on your blog, but I'd so love to talk to you about contributing to our site
-- --

Thomas and I really enjoy reading your posts, and Thomas ALSO has an alter with both Mary, Jesus, and Krishna. He's survived and so have you. We'd love to do a link / blog share if you're so inclined!


Patricia Singleton said...

Jessica, I look forward to hearing from you soon.

April_optimist said...

I'd add one more reason for not asking for help: Feeling as if we can't take it if we ask and the person says no. If we grew up being told "no" often enough when we asked for help we learn not to ask--especially if/when we are already feeling emotionally vulnerable. Especially if, as adults, the few people we know tend to say "no" because we're drawn to people like the adults who were in our lives when we were children.

Patricia Singleton said...

April, yes, thanks for adding this reason. This is the best reason that I know of to work on ourselves and get healthier with our relationships so that we finally stop attracting these abusive people to us. When we learn to take care of ourselves and love ourselves, we stop attracting these people into our lives. People will only treat us the way that we allow them to.

Corinne Edwards said...

Patricia -

You are a shining example to all of us as we watch your willingness to change and overcome so many obstacles.

First of all, thanks for the link love.

Second, be prepared as you read Neale's book. The first few chaptes were so inspiring and it all seemed like - this is it! Someone leading the way.

Then, I found it harder and harder. He was really straining my good intentions.

Do I really have to change anyway?

We will be looking forward to your reactions as you get into the hard stuff.

Patricia Singleton said...

Corinne, thanks for resending this. Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. I appreciate them so much.

The last few days I have done as Neale suggested and taken a break to digest what I have read so far. None of us has to change if we don't want to. You can turn your back on life and rot. If you are living your life to its fullest, change will always be a part of the equation. My belief is that when we stop growing/changing, we die inside. your body may still be functioning but your mind and heart aren't. It is not a place that I ever want to be.

Cheryl from thatgirlisfunny said...

Hi Patricia,
I found my way to your blog thru Corinne. We all have our personal ways of adjusting to change. Sometimes I go with the flow. Sometimes I dig my heels in. Resisting only makes it worse and I eventually wake up and move. As much as possible I try to avoid numbing out or ignoring the changes going on around me. Recently, I wrote a post about setting boundaries and earning respect by throwing "dirty looks". It's my way of saying no without having to speak. Very efficient and effective. Someone I know is allowing her husband to walk all over her. "He's only kidding", she says. My post is a wake-up call for people who've forgotten how to stand up for themselves with a look. Check it out:

Lots of photos of people - and even a cat - throwing dirty looks. It's funny too.

Patricia Singleton said...

Cheryl, I enjoyed reading your article. Thanks for visiting.