Today my blog went over the 200 mark with subscribers for the first time. Thanks to all of you who are reading my blog. I appreciate you and your comments.
As an incest survivor two of the things that I have had to learn to do are feel my emotions and take care of my body so that it doesn't get sick. Sometimes I do good with these two and sometimes I slip back into old habits of numbing feelings and ignoring how my body feels.
This week my emotions have been all over the place. Last night I went to an Al-Anon meeting and told everyone that I was mad, no, that should be "MAD" at the world. If you said hi to me this week, that was reason enough for me to get mad at you. I haven't figured out where all the anger is coming from yet but I know who my target was---my husband. How do I know? Two of my friends who never agree on anything both told me so. Also my exasperated husband finally asked why I was being so mean to him. I didn't say much to his yesterday because I knew the words would come out angry. I went to an Al-Anon meeting instead. At one point in the meeting last night, I told the group that me admitting that I was angry was such progress for me. I was taught as child that good girls don't get angry. That is such a bunch of bull. Getting angry is part of living. So is being sad, being happy, being hurt. I learned not to feel anything. My life was safer that way. That was one of my survival tools that no longer serves me today.
Part of this week, I have been overeating to not feel all of the rage that has been inside of me this week. My awareness of the emotions inside of me came from a dream. I think I have talked about what I call my fear of drowning dreams before. I have had these dreams for most of my adult life, maybe even as a child. In my dream of a few nights ago, I was in a car, possibly a limonsine with at least 3 other people. Someone else was driving. I was at the rear of the car when I saw water over the road in front of us. We didn't stop. Instead the driver drove off the side of the road and straight into the water. I remember being in the back of the car alone and thinking, "I can't swim." I sat and watched the water totally surround the car through the glass of the windows and a sun roof. Next the water is coming from the front of the car inside the car. Just before the water hit me full force, I woke up.
Something that was different in this dream was that I wasn't afraid when I woke up. I was disturbed. What I was was angry. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. from this dream. I didn't sleep well after that. What I remember about the dream is that while I was dreaming it, the dream felt more real than all of my other dreams.
I woke up from a dream the night after in which I remember talking about how real the drowning dream from the night before was, not that it seemed real but that it was real. I am not sure of the significance of that sensation of realness. I haven't experienced it very often.
Water, from a dream class that I took a few years ago, represents emotions. The car represents a part of myself. I wasn't driving it so I feel out of control of some part of my life. Duh. My emotions were out of control this week or at least it felt that way to me. I have gone into the water before but this is one of my first dreams in which I have gone under the water and not instantly waken myself up so some part of me is more comfortable with the emotions. I have worked really hard on feeling my emotions and still sometimes I numb out and stuff them with overeating. Still sometimes it takes me awhile to recognise what I am feeling. Sometimes it takes someone else to point out to me that I am angry (husband and two friends). Sometimes just saying that I am angry is enough to release it. Sometimes I need to talk about it to realize what is going on. As I have said before sometimes dreams can provide a source of healing for me.
This week I have been taking care of my body nutritionally by eating more raw veggies and less cooked veggies. I am also cutting the soy out of my diet because some sources say that soy isn't as good for us as the soy industry wants us to believe. I went to our Farmer's Market for the first time last Saturday. That is an education in itself. I met some interesting people.
I am also resting and not getting out in the heat until I feel better. I am also reading another book. This one is on "The Four Keys to Energizing Your Body, Mind & Spirit" (from the front cover of the book). The book is called Power Healing and is written by Dr. Zhi Gang Sha with a foreword by Dr. John Gray. I am learning ways to shift and harmonize the chi or energy in my body. I used one of the methods to lessen and then do away with a sinus headache that I have had the past few days all from balancing the energy in my body.
I have also been listening to Stephen Halpern's Chakra Suite when I go to bed at night to balance the chakras. All of this is helping me to self-heal rather than self-medicate my body.
One article that I read online a few days ago has some really good tips on paying attention to and taking care of your body. I want to share that site with you. The name of the blog is Rejuvenation Lounge.
http://thehealthylivinglounge.com/2009/06/23/24-ways-to-give-your-body-the-extra-attention-it-deserves/ . Check it out for the valuable information that the article provides.
A Week Of Introspection: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/11/week-of-introspection.html
Fear Is My Friend: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/01/fear-is-my-friend.html
Being Honest With Myself: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/being-honest-with-myself.html
How Dreams Can Help You Heal From Childhood Sexual Abuse: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/04/how-dreams-can-help-you-heal-from.html
Dreams Can Teach Us About Ourselves: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/dreams-can-teach-us-about-ourselves.html
Raw Salad Dressings: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/11/raw-salad-dressings.html
Link Love And Raw Foods: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/01/link-love-and-raw-foods.html