Friday, June 26, 2009

As A Survivor, I Had To Learn To Take Care of Myself

Today my blog went over the 200 mark with subscribers for the first time. Thanks to all of you who are reading my blog. I appreciate you and your comments.

As an incest survivor two of the things that I have had to learn to do are feel my emotions and take care of my body so that it doesn't get sick. Sometimes I do good with these two and sometimes I slip back into old habits of numbing feelings and ignoring how my body feels.

This week my emotions have been all over the place. Last night I went to an Al-Anon meeting and told everyone that I was mad, no, that should be "MAD" at the world. If you said hi to me this week, that was reason enough for me to get mad at you. I haven't figured out where all the anger is coming from yet but I know who my target was---my husband. How do I know? Two of my friends who never agree on anything both told me so. Also my exasperated husband finally asked why I was being so mean to him. I didn't say much to his yesterday because I knew the words would come out angry. I went to an Al-Anon meeting instead. At one point in the meeting last night, I told the group that me admitting that I was angry was such progress for me. I was taught as child that good girls don't get angry. That is such a bunch of bull. Getting angry is part of living. So is being sad, being happy, being hurt. I learned not to feel anything. My life was safer that way. That was one of my survival tools that no longer serves me today.

Part of this week, I have been overeating to not feel all of the rage that has been inside of me this week. My awareness of the emotions inside of me came from a dream. I think I have talked about what I call my fear of drowning dreams before. I have had these dreams for most of my adult life, maybe even as a child. In my dream of a few nights ago, I was in a car, possibly a limonsine with at least 3 other people. Someone else was driving. I was at the rear of the car when I saw water over the road in front of us. We didn't stop. Instead the driver drove off the side of the road and straight into the water. I remember being in the back of the car alone and thinking, "I can't swim." I sat and watched the water totally surround the car through the glass of the windows and a sun roof. Next the water is coming from the front of the car inside the car. Just before the water hit me full force, I woke up.

Something that was different in this dream was that I wasn't afraid when I woke up. I was disturbed. What I was was angry. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. from this dream. I didn't sleep well after that. What I remember about the dream is that while I was dreaming it, the dream felt more real than all of my other dreams.

I woke up from a dream the night after in which I remember talking about how real the drowning dream from the night before was, not that it seemed real but that it was real. I am not sure of the significance of that sensation of realness. I haven't experienced it very often.

Water, from a dream class that I took a few years ago, represents emotions. The car represents a part of myself. I wasn't driving it so I feel out of control of some part of my life. Duh. My emotions were out of control this week or at least it felt that way to me. I have gone into the water before but this is one of my first dreams in which I have gone under the water and not instantly waken myself up so some part of me is more comfortable with the emotions. I have worked really hard on feeling my emotions and still sometimes I numb out and stuff them with overeating. Still sometimes it takes me awhile to recognise what I am feeling. Sometimes it takes someone else to point out to me that I am angry (husband and two friends). Sometimes just saying that I am angry is enough to release it. Sometimes I need to talk about it to realize what is going on. As I have said before sometimes dreams can provide a source of healing for me.

This week I have been taking care of my body nutritionally by eating more raw veggies and less cooked veggies. I am also cutting the soy out of my diet because some sources say that soy isn't as good for us as the soy industry wants us to believe. I went to our Farmer's Market for the first time last Saturday. That is an education in itself. I met some interesting people.

I am also resting and not getting out in the heat until I feel better. I am also reading another book. This one is on "The Four Keys to Energizing Your Body, Mind & Spirit" (from the front cover of the book). The book is called Power Healing and is written by Dr. Zhi Gang Sha with a foreword by Dr. John Gray. I am learning ways to shift and harmonize the chi or energy in my body. I used one of the methods to lessen and then do away with a sinus headache that I have had the past few days all from balancing the energy in my body.

I have also been listening to Stephen Halpern's Chakra Suite when I go to bed at night to balance the chakras. All of this is helping me to self-heal rather than self-medicate my body.

One article that I read online a few days ago has some really good tips on paying attention to and taking care of your body. I want to share that site with you. The name of the blog is Rejuvenation Lounge.
http://thehealthylivinglounge.com/2009/06/23/24-ways-to-give-your-body-the-extra-attention-it-deserves/ . Check it out for the valuable information that the article provides.
Patricia

Related Articles:
A Week Of Introspection: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/11/week-of-introspection.html

Fear Is My Friend: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/01/fear-is-my-friend.html

Being Honest With Myself: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/being-honest-with-myself.html

How Dreams Can Help You Heal From Childhood Sexual Abuse: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/04/how-dreams-can-help-you-heal-from.html

Dreams Can Teach Us About Ourselves: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/dreams-can-teach-us-about-ourselves.html

Raw Salad Dressings: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/11/raw-salad-dressings.html

Link Love And Raw Foods: http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/01/link-love-and-raw-foods.html

8 comments:

Marie said...

We have all been through this as part of the healing process. This shall pass.

Patricia Singleton said...

Marie, the anger has passed as I knew it would if I talked about it. Thanks for your recent visits and input. Today is another gloriously hot day of Summer. I am enjoying the sunshine after our very rainy Spring.

Colleen said...

Patricia, thank you for your helpful and affirming comments on my blog. I am dealing with anger right now. When I went to talk to a priest about the events of this past week, he too talked about needing to deal with the anger. Glad to know your anger has passed, I agree, it helps to talk about it. God bless.

Patricia Singleton said...

Colleen, you are very welcome. I just finished posting an article called Independence Day that I wrote about your recent article "Declaration of Independence." Anger is a healthy emotion even though it doesn't necessarily feel good at the time that you are experiencing it.

Marj aka Thriver said...

Wow! What a resource! Thanks for all these links and self-care tips. And I so appreciate your continued support and contributions to the blog carnival, Patricia.

Patricia Singleton said...

Marj, you are very welcome. Hope you are doing well. I miss you being around as often. I appreciate your continued support.

Jeff & Friends said...

:)Always wise words. We are having trouble learning to feel; but oh well. A little work at a time. Glad you are on a healthy path. We have beeen trying ot be good. We only hurt ourselves a little yesterday which is a good thing considering. Getting anger out is important; getting it out safe is too. We are working on that sort of thing. We shall be reading some more.

Thank you for the wise words. We have to be reminded of body some of the times tho' it's always there. Our disability stuff, LOL. wish it would go away. (sigh). But you're right; farmers markets are kewl and things.

Patricia Singleton said...

Jeff, I don't feel "always wise". Thank you. I hope that one day your parts who hurt themselves are able to stop and to learn other ways of coping with stress. I am glad you came by for a visit.