Remember the feelings of being asked a question and being afraid to answer because you didn't know what the person who asked the question wanted you to say. Any answer you might give could be wrong. The person might not like you if you give an answer different than what they think.
Remember the panic of being asked, "What do you think?" I remember thinking what does this person want me to say? What am I going to say? Can I get away with not saying anything at all? Do I tell them what I really think and take the chance that the person might not like me? Do I take the chance that what I say could anger this person and make them hate me?
So much fear was involved in the process of answering even simple questions. My mom and dad taught me that my opinion wasn't important and that I shouldn't even have an opinion unless it mirrored what they thought. So much stress and fear was created because of this belief that you might not like me if I tell you what I really think. The statement, "Who do you think you are?" comes to mind here. I thought I was nothing, of no importance to anyone. I didn't know who I was because I was so busy trying to be who I thought you wanted me to be.
When I was a child, I was so rarely asked what I thought about anything. When I was asked, I would usually say that it didn't matter, whatever you wanted to do was okay with me. (A friend tells me that I am still guilty of doing this. What I told her recently was that if it was something of importance to me then I have an opinion about it. If it isn't important, then I really don't care where we go eat, for example.) If I said, I didn't know then I was open to ridicule for being stupid if the questioner was my mom or dad. My dad would then fly into a cussing rage. It was better to not give any kind of answer than to give one that might be wrong.
I learned at an early age that Life wasn't safe if I had an opinion. In my family, as a child, my dad was the only one of us who was allowed to have an opinion about anything. If you didn't agree with him, you better be quiet unless you wanted a verbal lashing from him. With adults, I believe that he loved to argue. If you were a child, you kept queit, to use his words, "if you know what is good for you."
As a Saggitarian, I should have been very outgoing as a child and as an adult. Growing up in an alcoholic home along with being a victim of incest, I learned to curb my natural inclinations at a young age and became very withdrawn and shy. I rarely laughed out loud or did anything to draw attention to myself.
As an adult who is healing from incest, I have learned that what I think and feel is safe and okay. I am an extrovert rather than the introvert of my childhood. Today Life is safe for me to speak up about my beliefs and I can defend myself when necessary without reverting back into my shell of silence and safety.
Today if you don't like me because of what I say or think, oh well, that is your problem. I won't shrink away into nonexistance because you don't like what I thought or said. I won't be hurt because I disagree with you or you disagree with me. I honor what is different in each of you and ask that you consider doing the same.
Patricia
Remember the panic of being asked, "What do you think?" I remember thinking what does this person want me to say? What am I going to say? Can I get away with not saying anything at all? Do I tell them what I really think and take the chance that the person might not like me? Do I take the chance that what I say could anger this person and make them hate me?
So much fear was involved in the process of answering even simple questions. My mom and dad taught me that my opinion wasn't important and that I shouldn't even have an opinion unless it mirrored what they thought. So much stress and fear was created because of this belief that you might not like me if I tell you what I really think. The statement, "Who do you think you are?" comes to mind here. I thought I was nothing, of no importance to anyone. I didn't know who I was because I was so busy trying to be who I thought you wanted me to be.
When I was a child, I was so rarely asked what I thought about anything. When I was asked, I would usually say that it didn't matter, whatever you wanted to do was okay with me. (A friend tells me that I am still guilty of doing this. What I told her recently was that if it was something of importance to me then I have an opinion about it. If it isn't important, then I really don't care where we go eat, for example.) If I said, I didn't know then I was open to ridicule for being stupid if the questioner was my mom or dad. My dad would then fly into a cussing rage. It was better to not give any kind of answer than to give one that might be wrong.
I learned at an early age that Life wasn't safe if I had an opinion. In my family, as a child, my dad was the only one of us who was allowed to have an opinion about anything. If you didn't agree with him, you better be quiet unless you wanted a verbal lashing from him. With adults, I believe that he loved to argue. If you were a child, you kept queit, to use his words, "if you know what is good for you."
As a Saggitarian, I should have been very outgoing as a child and as an adult. Growing up in an alcoholic home along with being a victim of incest, I learned to curb my natural inclinations at a young age and became very withdrawn and shy. I rarely laughed out loud or did anything to draw attention to myself.
As an adult who is healing from incest, I have learned that what I think and feel is safe and okay. I am an extrovert rather than the introvert of my childhood. Today Life is safe for me to speak up about my beliefs and I can defend myself when necessary without reverting back into my shell of silence and safety.
Today if you don't like me because of what I say or think, oh well, that is your problem. I won't shrink away into nonexistance because you don't like what I thought or said. I won't be hurt because I disagree with you or you disagree with me. I honor what is different in each of you and ask that you consider doing the same.
Patricia
