Thursday, April 2, 2009

Incest Is One Of My Stories

Who Would You Be Without Your Story? Dialogues with Byron Katie, page 70:
"We use our story of another to delude ourselves. I heard a woman say, in one of the sessions yesterday, 'I just realized that my father did what he did not because of me, but because of his story!' Did you hear that?"

When I read that, for a few seconds, I couldn't breathe. Not because I was rejecting the idea, but because it is so true. I recognised the truth as something that I have known for awhile.

As a child, I believed that the incest was my fault, that it happened because of something that I did or because I was bad and was getting what I deserved as punishment for my existing. Even as a young adult, I still believed those thoughts about myself.

By reading Byron Katie's book and looking at my own thoughts, today I know that these thoughts are no longer correct. Actually, these thoughts were never correct. But because they were my thoughts, I did believe them. Now I don't. I believe that the incest is just one of my stories, one of many, that I am starting to be ok with dropping from my mind. Katie doesn't ever ask you to drop your stories. She just asks that you be willing to look at what your life would be like without those stories.

The incest was done to me because it was my dad's story that he created. I was one of the participants because I believed my own stories.

We are coming out of the Winter season. Spring has begun with mostly warmer days but with some of the storms and chill of winter trying to hold out a little longer.

Because of the work that I have done on my incest issues which are my stories, I have been in an extended Winter in my life. Sometimes working on your issues can make life seem harder than it appeared when I was in denial and stuffing emotions rather than living them. Life seemed harder for awhile because the anger, sadness and hurt were out in the open rather than being hidden. Hidden, they were still causing problems but the problems were not as obvious as when the emotions are being openly expressed and felt.

Winter is the death of the old. Spring is the birth of the new.
Winter is wearing a coat of sad heaviness to protect against the hurts of life. Spring is releasing all of those thoughts and allowing joy into your life.
Winter is holding on to the old. Spring is letting in the light and newness of Life.

Now I am entering the Spring of my life. Spring means new growth, flowers blooming, green life beginning to come up out of the ground and new leaves showing on the trees again. The Spring of my life means being open to all experiences and experiencing new pleasures daily, exploring all that there is to explore. Spring is knowing that Life is glorious each and every day.


Jay Schryer said...

Thank you for posting this. I think it gives a message of hope to people who have gone through similar troubles, and they might not have hope otherwise. Congratulations on entering Spring, and may the rest of your "year" on earth be pleasant and peaceful.

Patricia Singleton said...

Jay, you are welcome and thank you for your comment. Spring is a time of joy and beauty, all the things that I missed as a child.

Positively Present said...

Thank you for sharing your personal story. It was deeply moving and I am so glad to hear that you are moving into the spring of your life. Spring is a wonderful time filled with rebirth and joy and I hope you are able to experience a more positive life now.

Patricia Singleton said...

Positively Present, You are welcome. I have been sharing my stories now for almost 20 years so it isn't painful like in the beginning. I have only been writing for my blog since June 2007so the audience is a little bigger. I like your name. Positively present is a good thing to be.

Anonymous said...

Dear Patricia,

This past week I was watching the movie, You Can Heal Your Life by
Louise Hay. She said, 'I'm in my 80's and I'm always learning. We have to keep on learning'.

This is exactly what you are doing, and the posts that you share here about your journey also make you a teacher for others.

Every time you write about this part of your life you should consider using your label of 'courage'. :)

It was about 7 years ago, that we came to know my brother was molested by our dad. My dad has asked for forgiveness, but my brother is not in that place.

I did have the chance to ask my father who did this to you ? I think my question really shocked him, but he was able to tell me the name of the long dead individual. His grandmother's, brother. 'His story'.

As a middle child, it's painful to see the fracture and hurt within members of my family. I know that my brother has to come to a place of his own healing. He has the control now that he did not have as a child.

I suspect my father will go to his grave, unforgiven.

Thank you for sharing your life as openly as you do.

Middle Child

Colleen said...

Beautiful post. Thank you. I think I am entering into spring as well. Blessings.

Patricia Singleton said...

Anonymous Middle Child, Watching those we love hurt is really hard. Sometimes forgiveness doesn't happen. It is your dad's and your brother's story for them to do with as they choose. As an onlooker, you may find yourself with lessons from this situation since it is in your awareness. Life can be difficult when you love both people and see them both hurting. Thank you for sharing this story.

Louise Hay is a fabulous example for all of us to learn from. Years ago, I was introduced to her books in a class at church. I learned so much from her.

Patricia Singleton said...

Colleen, You are welcome and congratulations on your own journey into Spring. It is a great place to be. Thank you too. I just spend a glorious weekend with friends and out in nature. The weekend was beautiful.

Just Be Real said...

Appreciate this post and your blog (new to it, so I have some reading to do) Patricia. I truly love God nature and greenery!! Thank you for sharing your heart!

Patricia Singleton said...

Just Be Real, thank you. I am glad that you found my blog and like it. Visit anytime. I also love Nature. This past weekend, I was out in Nature the whole weekend with friends and family and it was glorious, beautiful weather, not too hot and not too cold with a threat of rain that never materialized.

Just Be Real said...

Ahhh, nature simply wonderful. A lot of people do not take it in. That is one thing, I thank God, that has not left me and I still notice despite my struggles! Thank you for your visit also to my blog and your encouraging words and your transparency! Blessings!

Patricia Singleton said...

Just Be Real, since I let go of all of the secrets of incest, transparent is the only way to be. You are very welcome.

Marj aka Thriver said...

What an excellent post, Patricia! I like how you used the Winter-into-Spring analogy. Beautiful! Thanks so much for allowing us to use this for the April/Spring edition of THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE.

Patricia Singleton said...

Marj, thank you. Mike gave me the idea with his choice of the topic of this month's Carnival.

Readers who receive my articles through email can click and go online to my blog and go to the end of the comments for the link to the April Carnival Against Child Abuse to read all the other articles. That is what I am going to do next. Thanks, Marj for putting the link at the end of my article.

AbuseAndForgiveness said...


Thank you for sharing. This is beautiful, inspiring, and uplifting!


Patricia Singleton said...

Heal and Forgive, thank you. The inspiration for the story and the slant of the story came from Mike. I found your blog to be beautiful, inspiring and uplifting too. It is nice to find other survivors in the recovery and striving part of their journey. When I started out in the 1980's, I felt so alone in the days before the internet and so few books on the subject at the time.

Grace said...

Thank give me hope.

Patricia Singleton said...

Grace, you are welcome. I have been blessed to have others give me hope. It is my turn to pass it on to others.

Kim said...

You said: "Sometimes working on your issues can make life seem harder than it appeared when I was in denial and stuffing emotions rather than living them."
That statement really resounded with me. Excellent post, I really identified with it.

Patricia Singleton said...

Kim, thank you. I can remember times when I was in the middle of the pain of doing my work that I wished that I had never started it. Now, I thank God that I did.

Patricia Singleton said...

Hi. I submitted this post to the April Carnival Against Child Abuse which came out on April 17 with 33 articles included by some wonderful people who are helping to take issues of child abuse in all forms out of the shadows and shine the full light of awareness on child abuse. Please click on the following link to take you to this Carnival.
Until the silent screams are heard, they can't be stopped.