Looking Back at 2015 And Forward To 2016

Happy 2016. I hope you all had a great Christmas. Mine was the usual traveling to visit family in Louisiana for Christmas Eve and then to Texas on Christmas Day. We had joyful times and the stress of organizing and traveling. 

We had family visiting the weekend before Christmas, adding to the joy and the stress both, for me. I love having family visit, once they are here. I had a meltdown a few days before they got here and realized that my inner child was worried about being judged as a terrible housekeeper because my bedroom is still a mess from my papers and books which have gotten out of hand. I asked Daniel for a new bookshelf for Christmas. It is already up and mostly filled. 

My inner child still carries shame from my dad making her feel not good enough when the work she did was never good enough for him. My company doesn't care that my bedroom is a mess. I understand this intellectually. I know the shame is from my childhood where both of my parents expected me to do work that no one ever took the time to show me how to do. Almost everything I know how to do is self-taught. 

I also told Daniel that I was angry at Pamela for not being here to listen to me talk the feelings out so I wouldn't have a meltdown. She died in April 2015. The grief comes and goes. Sometimes it is sadness and tears. Other times, like the week before Christmas, I feel angry and cry. When I talked about the meltdown with Daniel, I could see that I was feeling shame from my inner child again. I am not sure how to heal this shame so that it stops coming up again. 

Looking back at the year of 2015 for this blog shows that I only wrote 19 blog articles which gave me a total of 459 articles since the first one on June 1, 2007. Some of the topics that I wrote about were grief and letting go; silent anger; grooming of parents and children; The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress book; resistance to writing; healing and transformation; forgiveness; our 43rd wedding anniversary; doubt and self-awareness. 

Daniel asked me a few days ago whether I had a good year in 2015. 2015 was a hard year, not bad, just full of lessons, illnesses, and the death of my best friend. Frustration and tears were a part of my year. Frustration with my own health issues kept me searching for answers that my doctor wasn't able to give me. After about two years of almost constant headaches and blurry vision, both improved dramatically after I took antibiotics for blisters on my feet. I saw four doctors before one of them finally treated the blisters so that they went away. The first doctor that I saw gave me an antibiotic because he thought I might have a staph infection in the blisters. About two weeks later, I realized that the headaches were gone. The blurry vision didn't leave until I got a new prescription for my glasses. I have astigmatism so when my eyes get tired, things get blurry but not all of the time like they were for two years. I saw three different eye doctors and none of them asked about my last prescription which I did get changed two weeks after getting it filled, with no improvement. 

2015 was a year of more frequent trips to Louisiana because of Daniel's mom's declining health. For two months, we had Daniel's middle brother and his mother both in nursing homes. Daniel's mom got to go home at Thanksgiving. His brother was supposed to but got a bad eye infection the week of Thanksgiving. He went home for a trial week at Christmas. We need to call again to see how the two of them are doing. Daniel's oldest brother has had his hands full with both of them in different nursing homes. Daniel's mom hated the one his brother was in. She wasn't happy with any of the places she stayed because they weren't home. She wanted us down there every week and it just wasn't possible. We live three hours away and Daniel is self-employed so he isn't always able to just pick up and go when the jobs are coming in. Did I mention that 2015 was a long year. When we got home from Christmas, I had a cough that has finally started to get a little better. Today I am nauseous again and have an ear ache so I know that I have fluid behind my ear drums again. Being allergic to so many antibiotics makes it necessary for me to treat as many of my illnesses as I can with other remedies such as garlic, golden seal and herbs for allergies. They work but they take longer than antibiotics. Daniel hates the smell of garlic and I have to be careful that it doesn't send my blood pressure too low. 

I know that 2016 is going to be a great year because I choose to look at my life and the world through an attitude of gratitude this year. I intend to focus more on my writing of The Case of The Three-Year-Old Adulteress book in 2016. I let too many things slow me down in 2015. My health issues have made me more aware that our time on this Earth plane is limited. The death of my friend Pamela has also given me more awareness in that area. She was from May to December older than me. None of us know how much time we really have. I intend to use my time better this year and get my book written. 2016 is a nine year. Nine is the number of completion. Pamela taught me that. She knew a lot of numerology facts. I tend to forget most of what she taught me in that area. She loved numbers. They are not my thing. They just don't stay in my mind or memory long. What things do you want to complete this year?

I read a lot. I love books and knowledge. The internet just opens up more knowledge for me to find and love. One of the websites that I receive a newsletter from weekly is called mindbodygreen. A recent article that I really liked and am sharing here is "15 Lessons I Learned in 2015".  You will find the article are the following link:
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23107/15-life-lessons-i-learned-in-2015.html

Also from mindbodygreen, I read an article called "The Mindset Shift That Can Make Every Moment Miraculous". The link to this article is at http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23098/the-mindset-shift-that-can-make-every-moment-miraculous.html

I do believe in miracles. I see them everywhere because I look for them. Gratitude is an important part of my day. Have a glorious 2016.
Patricia

Foster CAT Foster KID: GOD Says You Don't Have to Eat Dirt Anymore! Book Review

In the introduction to her book, Foster CAT Foster KID: GOD Says You Don't Have to Eat Dirt Anymore!, Katherine Jones tells you that she is writing for four audiences: Animal Loving Readers, Foster Care Community Readers, Abuse Survivor Readers and People of Faith Readers. Katherine does a great job of addressing all of those topics in her book. I fit into all of those groups. Katherine's love of animals and her belief in God helped her though her childhood struggles with incest and her mom's mental illness. Like many abused and neglected children, Katherine took on an adult role early in her childhood, protecting her younger sister and her mother from what she could. Katherine shares her experiences in and out of foster care and living with a mother who was mentally ill.

The Foster CAT in Katherine's book was named Good Boy by her husband when he found him living in an abandoned lumber yard next to where he worked. The adoption of Good Boy into their family created an opportunity of healing for Good Boy and for Katherine that makes the reading of Katherine's book so inspiring. I would recommend this book to all of my friends. Katherine is a survivor of incest and of the foster care system that is today failing so many of our children. She is an advocate for animals, for abused children, and for those who are in the foster care community. Thank you Katherine for sharing your healing journey.
Patricia

Self-awareness And Healing Controlling Behaviors

Page 216, The Invisible Force: 365 Ways to Apply the Power of Intention to Your Life, written by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer:

"Be aware that learning to identify ways in which you're creating your own obstacles can be tremendously enlightening."

I have been blessed to use books like this one at different stages in my healing to give me more self-awareness. Only though self-awareness does healing have a chance of happening.

I used the 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon to give me self-awareness too. Those meetings taught me about self-worth, dysfunctional behaviors and the dysfunctional family system that resists all change. 

Those meetings introduced me to the books Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency both written by Pia Melody. I learned about abandonment and my own controlling behavior. I was able to identify a behavior that was causing me major unhappiness in my life---controlling.

Trying to control everything and everyone in my life in order to feel safe only created more obstacles for me to overcome during my healing process. The stress that I was creating for myself with my own behavior was unbelievable. The perfectionism and responsibilities that I put on myself were too much, but I didn't know how to live without them. In the dysfunctional family system of my childhood, I was the family hero and taught that I had to be perfect or I wasn't good enough and I was always at fault. I was also given the responsibility to make everyone else happy, often at my own expense. All of those set me up to become a controller as an adult. Add on that I thought if I could control everything that I would be safe from abuse.

The 12-Step slogan "Let Go And Let God" helped me tremendously. I made lots of mistakes and lots of apologies as I changed my controlling behaviors. I used affirmations like the one above to help me see and change my behavior. I did lots of writing and talking to friends and in 12-Step groups as I figured things out and got new self-awareness. I looked at the lies of my abusers and at the lies that I told myself. While learning to love myself, I looked at what was my responsibility and what was not. I read every book I could find about incest, alcoholic family systems and codependency. 

For 3 years, I used a God Box to teach me the principle of "Let Go And Let God". If you don't like the idea of God, use the Universe or your own Higher Self. Call the box whatever you want or don't call it anything. Do what is necessary to let go of the stuff that is not yours to handle. I will leave a link at the bottom of the page explaining how the idea of a God Box works.

You don't need the stress of trying to control the world. The world is much too big for one little person to manage. You are doing yourself and those around you a disservice by trying. Healing doesn't have time to happen when you are too busy trying to control everything else. 

All controlling does is take you away from what you are feeling and is a distraction from what is going on inside of you. Controlling behaviors keep you focused on others, not on yourself. Healing needs you to focus on you, not on your abuser's current behavior, not on what your spouse might be doing today, not on your friend that goes from drama to drama. They will all survive without your help/interference. Without your attention/advice, they might even start to look at their own lives with a sense of self-awareness. Become an example of what healing looks like by focusing on and healing your own stuff. 

Let go of the fears of childhood that keep you trying to control everything. Look at those fears, one at a time. Become friends with your fear. See fear for what it is---mostly unrealistic and from your past. Help your inner child to see that you don't have to live in that fear today and she/he doesn't either. 

Know that you can't control another person, unless they let you and that isn't healthy for you or for them. You aren't meant to control others. You can offer better guidance by the example of how you live your own life. Others never have to follow your example or your words. Don't resent them when they don't. Giving advice sets you up for resentment when people don't do what you tell them to. You need to acknowledge to yourself that you really don't know what is better for another person. That person may need those experiences to grow, to see their own value, to learn a major lesson, or to learn what love really is. They may miss those lessons if you step in and try to fix everything for them.

Years ago, a very wise lady told me that when I try to fix things for others, I am, in effect, telling them they are too stupid to do it for themselves. I didn't like what she said. I never wanted anyone to feel stupid because of my words or actions. My parents did that to me as a child. I did it to others, until I learned not to.

Look at where your controlling behavior comes from and the fears that cause it. Then you can free yourself of those fears. You can stop controlling what isn't yours to control. You can't control other people no matter how much you may want to.

What can you control?
Your fears
Your words
Your thoughts
Your attitude
Your reactions

Look at your world through the eyes of gratitude instead of negativity. Use affirmations. Learn to meditate and find peace within your center. Learn to love yourself. Forgive yourself for the mistakes of the past and for the mistakes you will make as you learn to let go of controlling.

Changing any behavior takes time, persistence, focus and self-awareness. Give yourself all of those. Practice kindness and patience with yourself. You deserve both.

What changes are you afraid of? Why? What would happen if you make those changes? I assure you, you won't die. Keep telling your inner child that she/he is safe. Today you can keep her/him safe. You are strong, courageous, and wise when you listen to your own inner voice. Learn to love yourself. Loving yourself creates true safety.
I am Patricia.

Related articles:

ASCA Anonymous @
http://www.asca12step.org

The Secret---Affirmations Change Your Life @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/08/secret-affirmations-change-your-life.html

Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics Played Major Roles In My Recovery From Incest @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/01/al-anon-and-adult-children-of.html

Surrender---Using A God Box @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/01/surrender-using-god-box.html

Dialogues With Dignity And 22 Ways To Love Yourself @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/01/dialogues-with-dignity-and-22-ways-to.html

Fear Is My Fear @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/01/fear-is-my-friend.html

Resources For An Incest Survivor And Adult Children Of Dysfunctional Families @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2012/04/resources-for-incest-survivor-and-adult.html

Believing You Are Worthy

This morning I was reading another Wayne Dyer book called The Invisible Force: 365 Ways to Apply the Power of Intention to Your Life. It is a daily meditation book that I read several pages each of the past few days. On page 198, it says:

"If you don't believe that you're worthy of fulfilling your intention for health, wealth, or loving relationships, then you're creating an obstacle that will inhibit the flow of creative energy into your daily life."

I do know, that as an incest survivor and a survivor of emotional domestic violence in my childhood home, I am blessed that I married a good man instead of another abuser. My non-existent self-worth could have attracted someone into my life that would have treated me in the way that I thought I deserved. It happens frequently to incest and domestic abuse survivors. Often we recreate our childhood environment until we figure out that we don't have to do that any more, that we do deserve better. 

One way to not attract abusers is to learn and establish healthy boundaries. An article that I read this last week written by my friend Dan Hays at HEALTHY PLACE, America's Mental Health Channel talks about setting up healthy boundaries. Here is the link to Dan's article:

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/traumaptsdblog/2015/10/05/establishing-boundaries-in-ptsd-recovery/

Boundaries are such an important part of healing. Dysfunctional families don't want boundaries, especially the abusers. When I was a child, I used walls to hide behind and to feel safe. The wall let no one in but it also kept me a prisoner inside. Boundaries are flexible. Walls are not. 
Patricia

Reading Dr. Wayne W. Dyer's Memoir I Can See Clearly Now

page 365, I Can See Clearly Now, written by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer:

"Ask yourself how to fulfill your soul purpose by serving others first."

I have always known I would one day write a book about surviving and healing from incest. To me, writing is a way to tell my story and to reach out to other survivors of incest. I can help other survivors by letting them know they are not alone and that healing is possible. That is my purpose for this lifetime.

I have been reading Dr. Dyer's memoir as an assignment from Paula Balzer's book writing & selling your memoir. Ms Balzer has her students read other memoirs as a way to find their own writing style. I chose Dr. Dyer's memoir because he has been one of my spiritual teachers for a few years now and because of his recent death.  I was curious to know more about the life of one of my teachers. I have read a number of his books and seen several of his PBS specials on TV. 

Dr. Wayne Dyer was the first person that taught me to look at life's challenges as lessons to be learned. Looking at how my life has been affected by the incest and noticing my reactions has helped me figure out my patterns of behavior that I need to change. I can't change the past, but I definitely can change how I react. I can become aware of triggers and find what fears they bring up. I can, with awareness, eventually stop the triggers by working through the fears, one by one, and letting go of them. I can see the fear as coming from my inner child. I can protect her today. I can love her today.

I can see more clearly today that my abusers no longer have control over my life or who I am today. I don't have to focus on the pain of my childhood. I can look for joy in my life today and I can share that joy with others. I don't have to sit in the grief and sadness that used to rule my life, from my early childhood. 

I can find the blessings and small miracles in my day. I am here. I am alive and well. So many are not. I can look at the darkness and evil of the incest and its pain and I can see the miracle of who I have become. I can see the character and strength that the pain gave me. I can see the lessons that I have learned and I can freely share those lessons with others to lessen their pain too. 

I can see the love and light that are in my world today and I can share that with family, friends and other survivors around the world. Those are all good reasons to write my book.

Dr. Dyer tells me to, "Stay in touch with and honor the calling you feel deep within you." (page 366) My calling is to write this book and to use my words to help others. 

On page 366, Dr. Dyer says:  

"As you begin to see more and more clearly not only how and why your life took all of its twists and turns but what direction it is going to take from here on in, you will see that your soul will not ever lead you astray. This is because this is truly who you are---not your accomplishments or possessions, but that inner sense of purpose that seeks out immensity and expansion."

I am a writer. I am a willing participant in my own life. Writing my book is the next stage of breaking the silence of abuse. I am fully capable of taking this step to the end. I am a published author. I am Patricia.

Rage Is Anger On Overload

As another tribute to Dr. Wayne Dyer, Hay House is offering a free link to "My Greatest Teacher" movie until September 15, 2015 at the following link:

http://www.drwaynedyer.com/my-greatest-teacher-movie-watch-now?

I cried through watching this movie. I have called my own dad my greatest teacher because of the lessons I learned from the incest.

What first hit me from the movie was the rage of the main character. I have felt that rage myself before and during my healing journey. Like the main character, I often directed my rage at my spouse and my children before I learned to control my rage.

What is the difference between anger and rage? A matter of depth - rage is anger on overload. Anger doesn't have to hurt anyone. Rage often does. Anger can be controlled and used constructively to make much needed changes. Rage often feels out of control. Anger can be expressed and let go of before anyone is hurt by it. Rage is often stuffed inside until pressure builds and an explosion occurs. Rage looks for a victim to pour out all over. 

I cried because my rage often hurt those I loved. I had to change the way that I dealt with my anger so that it didn't grow into rage.

When you are angry with rage inside, the Universe seems to give you reasons to be more angry, like the character in the movie. Everything is an irritant. What can go wrong will, so the rage can come out. 

My dad taught me how to do rage. So did my mom, just in a different way. My dad was a rageaholic. My mom did hers with passive-aggressive behavior. 

In order to heal my own rage, I had to stop blaming my abusers and had to switch to looking at what I was feeling and how could I diffuse my rage in a healthy way. Instead of everything being out there and someone else's fault, I had to bring my focus to inside my mind, my body, my feelings, my heart. 

What issues were causing my rage? How could I heal my own hurt? How could I let out the rage so it didn't hurt me or those I loved? 

My most prized healing tool has always been my writing. I could pull the rage and the hurt out and on to the written page so I could see it. I still had to feel it. Feelings are part of the healing. The written word always helps me see the patterns and figure out what I need to change about myself. I can forgive myself and I can ask forgiveness of those that I have hurt. 

These are my thoughts after watching the movie "My Greatest Teacher." I hope that you take the time to watch it for yourself. 
Patricia

Pain Caused By Regrets And Self-Doubts - Judging Ourselves

Please go and read the article "Memories and Regrets" from Beyond Survivor - The Wounded Warrior Blog written by my friend Jan L. Frayne at the following link:

http://whatislove-2010.blogspot.com/2015/08/memories-and-regrets.html

Come back here afterwards to read my thoughts about this post.

The Wounded Warrior expresses the pain and self-doubts that many survivors carry inside, hidden from the world most of the time. Voicing the pain of surviving through writing whether it is a blog like Beyond Survivor - The Wounded Warrior Blog or like here at Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker is important because giving voice to our pain frees other survivors to do the same.

Some survivors, like me, were alone with the abuser. Other survivors saw other children nearby also being abused. 

For years, I hoped and prayed that I was the only one that my dad was sexually abusing. Years later when I found out that he was abusing my sister by fondling and making sexual comments to, I was angry and felt guilty that I didn't protect her from him. I was the older sister. I loved my sister and I wanted her to be safe. She wasn't.

I can understand why Jan Frayne took on the blame for the abuse of the little boy that he saw being strangled. I, too, have said to myself, what if I had told?  Maybe my sister would have been saved from her experiences.

Looking back makes taking on the blame so easy for a survivor. We are looking back from a position of power as an adult. We didn't have that hindsight as a child.

As children, we didn't have any power. We couldn't protect ourselves or another child. No child should go through the abuse that we did. Yes, we were victims.

 I didn't have the courage to speak up as a child or even as a young adult. I wasn't able to overcome all of my fears in order to speak up. I could blame myself for my sister being abused or I can put the blame where it belongs, with my abusers. 

If we cannot prevent our own abuse from happening, how can we possibly save another child? We are not responsible for what our abusers did. That is just another form of victim blaming, even if it is ourselves we are blaming. Others do it to us often enough without us buying into it too. Stop victim blaming. 

Shift from feeling like a victim to offering love and comfort to your inner child. Feel what you feel and then let it go. You don't have to stay stuck in victim mode. Give your inner child more reasons to trust you. "Beyond" survivor doesn't mean you will never have to revisit being a survivor or a victim. Healing means going back and forth between the three as needed to heal. 

Memories come up because you are strong enough to face them. Dreams are all of the stuff that you are afraid to face in the waking world. Healing can take place in your dreams too. Keeping a dream journal can help you to figure out what your dreams are telling you. Memories and dreams are both part of healing.

Forgive yourself for what you couldn't control. Stop blaming yourself. Blaming yourself keeps you stuck in the hurt. You deserve better. 

Jan, be gentle with yourself as I have seen you be with other survivors. Beyond surviving - thriving - comes slowly but it does come. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Allow your friends to support you when you need us. You don't have to be strong alone. 

I copied a statement from one of my favorite teachers today that I want to share with you here.

"With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself, or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow, or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose."
                                         -Dr. Wayne Dyer
Patricia