Male Survivor Book Project - 2014 - This Tangled Web

Time is short for any male survivors who are interested in participating in a book project hosted by This Tangled Web. I know this will be a great book project to participate in because I, myself, have participated in 2 similar book projects that were open to all survivors of childhood sexual abuse. 

Here is the "book plan" as quoted from the This Tangled Web website:
"Book plan...To give a platform and a voice to male survivors of C.S.A ...a space for men to share stories, poetry, art work, blog extracts etc to express whatever aspects of the trauma and the healing journey they want to... and to list as many 'tried and tested' resources for male survivors such as websites, possibly other books. A similar format to 'Silent No More' but specific to male survivors."

Here is the link for more information. Please don't wait too long. Time is short if you are male and want to participate in this worthy project.

http://www.thistangledweb.co.uk/male-survivor-book-project-2014/ 

I have some of my writing in the first two books published by This Tangled Web and Kate Swift, the founder. The first book that was "A collection of works by 'Reaching survivors of sexual abuse' R.S.O.S.A Founded by Kate Swift." The name of the first book is Silent No More.  I was just one of 86 contributors - male and female - to this book.

The second book that I participated in with this group of writers/artists/survivors is called Growing Stronger, Growing Free: 'The journey of recovery from Childhood Sexual Abuse & the hope for healing'. It too was a collection of writings and artwork by 59 contributors. 

These books are available at  http://www.thistangledweb.co.uk

I am proud to have my name affiliated with both of these books and this great organization. I thank you, Kate Swift, for pulling these projects and survivors together to create these books to help other survivors speak out and tell their stories.

I would like to thank, also, all of my male survivor friends for breaking your own silence and having the courage to speak out and share your stories. It is through our sharing and becoming advocates that we will stop the abuse of more children in the future. Until we chose to finally break the silence of child sexual abuse, no one thought it was possible that it could be happening in their community, in their family, and especially in their own home. We are becoming stronger. Men joining women speaking out is a very big jump forward in stopping our children from being abused. Now the whole story is out there for all to see. I dare someone to try to stay in denial now. We won't allow it. Welcome brothers and sisters to the new abuse-free world that we are creating.
Patricia

How Would You Describe Yourself?

I was asked to describe myself to a group recently and decided that I would share my thoughts here with you. I like and love who I am today. I had to work to let go of the negative thoughts of the past and to learn to give myself value. Here is how I see myself today.

I see myself as a strong, caring woman who has learned that it is okay to be vulnerable and to open my heart to others. I have a great sense of humor that has helped me through some hard times. I can laugh at myself and see that I am very human. I make mistakes and do my best to learn from them so I don't repeat them because life has a way of bringing back lessons over and over again until we learn them. I love people. I am an extrovert but also need my quiet time to think about what I am going through and what I am feeling. I am quite vocal on things that I care about. If something isn't important to me, I don't waste my time. I am long-winded with my words, especially my writing. Focus is sometimes hard for me because I can see that a path can go in a lot of different directions and I want to walk down all of them just for the experience. I have grown from a shy, scared little girl into a strong, outspoken woman that has been called names a number of times for my outspokenness and for refusing to let another person control me since I escaped my alcoholic, rageaholic dad's control. Today I am more in balance with who I am than I have ever been before and I very much like and love that person that I have become.

Well, here I go with my flaws. I am stubborn which can be good depending upon the situation. I have a temper and it can flair up quickly without warning because I still sometimes let my anger build too long before voicing it. I am better with this and I am still learning to just say I am angry rather than holding it in until I explode like a volcano. If you lie to me, I will shut you out of my heart so quickly and I won't tell you why. I was lied to as a child by most of the adults in my life. Trust isn't easy for me. Once I trust you, I am loyal to a fault. I am outspoken and some people, usually those who want to control me, don't like it. I won't be controlled by anyone else. When I get scared, I get controlling. Now, I see the controlling for the fear that it is and I work on correcting the issue and addressing the fear. When I get angry, I still have a tendency to yell at you, another one I am greatly improved and still working on. I am honest to a fault and sometimes I hurt the feelings of others unintentionally because of it. I don't beat myself up for any of these any more. I used to.

I learned a long time ago that if I wanted to heal from incest or anything else that I needed to take a long, honest look at myself so that look has to include the shadow parts of myself that I might not like. I do need to acknowledge them if I am being honest with myself. Then I can decide if I want to keep those straits or if I want to work to change those parts of myself.

How would you describe yourself? Be as honest as you can. It's okay if you don't want to share the answer here. Write it down for yourself.
Patricia

Stop Child Abuse Now - SCAN - 790 on Blog Talk Radio

Hi, everyone. In case you missed my guest speaker spot on Stop Child Abuse Now (SCAN) on Friday, March 14, I will give you the link at the bottom of this article. Bill Murray is a great host who makes his guests feel comfortable and loved. Usually there is a panel of three or four others who add to the conversation with questions and experiences of their own. This was my second appearance on Bill's radio program.

I briefly shared parts of my childhood story because in my first time on SCAN's program, I shared in more detail about the alcoholism, incest and domestic violence that I grew up with in my family of origin. I will also share the link to that radio program at the bottom of the page in case you want to listen to more details of my life as an incest survivor.

Friday night's program was more about the recovery part of my journey. My biggest resource for healing was the 12-Step programs of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al-Anon. I didn't mention it on Friday night but I also attended a Coda meeting for a short time. Coda is Codependents Anonymous. Most of us who grow up in alcoholic home grow up to be alcoholics or co-dependents. Sometimes we do both. One of the things that I told Bill and his audience of listeners was that I even though I don't drink, I have about 8 out of 10 characteristics of an alcoholic. I have no doubt, if I drank, I would be a mean drunk like my dad and his dad both were. I choose to not drink and not put my family and friends though that.

Here are the links to my two visits to Stop Child Abuse Now - SCAN's program on Blog Talk Radio.

The first link is to the show that I was on for Friday, March 14, 2014:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-murray/2014/03/15/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--790

My very first time as a guest speaker for SCAN and Bill Murray and his panel was on November 20, 2013. Here is the link for it in case you missed it back in November.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-murray/2013/11/21/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--708

I also want to introduce you to several other websites that are good resources for incest and child abuse survivors.

The Lamplighter Movement @  http://www.theLamplighters.org/http://www.ASCAsupport.org

Adult Survivors of Child Abuse @  http://www.ASCAsupport.org/

Adult Survivors of Child Abuse Anonymous @  http://www.ASCA12step.org/

I hope you find the above links helpful in your journey to healing.
Patricia

Stop Child Abuse Now - SCAN Talks About Pedophiles, Child Molesters And Incest

A few nights ago, I was listening to a radio broadcast of Stop Child Abuse Now (SCAN) with host Bill Murray and a panel of others who talked with a special guest, Dr. Anna Carol Salter, Ph. D., from Madison, Wisconsin. Pedophiles, child sexual abuse, child molesters and incest were the topics of discussion.

One of the questions that was asked of Dr. Salter was whether pedophiles and child molesters could be cured. She said, with the information available right now, she honestly didn't know. Something else that she said that I didn't know until sometime in the past year or two is that not all pedophiles actually molest children. They live with the urge to have sex with children but not all act out the urges. Not all pedophiles are child molesters. I am guilty, as are many people that I know, of putting them all under the title of pedophile. 

I have shared here that the National Center for Victims of Crime states that a child molester will sexually abuse 117 victims before he is caught. Dr. Salter said with boys that figure is higher. She said that the molesters that go after little boys will molest 150 boys before they are caught. For those that may not know the current figures say that one out of four girls and one out of six boys will be sexually abused before the age of 18. Another very important statistic that I have read is that for every one child that breaks the silence and reports their abuse, another six never are reported.

I hope you will take the time to listen to this radio program. If we ever hope to be able to prevent our children from being molested, more needs to be known about pedophiles and child molesters - why they do what they do, why some molest and others don't, can they ever be cured, what signs do we need to be aware of in order to protect our children.

Stop Child Abuse Now (SCAN) -- 785  @
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bill-murray/2014/03/08/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--785

Patricia

Childhood Sexual Abuse Links

It has been awhile since I have shared very many links from other blogs with you. Here are some that have been helpful to me lately:

1.  Triggers; what are they and how do we work through them? @
      http://survivorsjustice.com/2014/02/26/triggers-what-are-they-and-how-do-we-work-through-them/

2.  What I Wish I Had Known @
     http://speak4change.com/blogging/what-i-wish-i-had-known/

3.  15 Things I Wish I'd Known About Grief @
     http://identityrenewed.com/2013/11/21/15-things-i-wish-id-known-about-grief/

4.  Grooming - How Do Sexual Abuse Predators Get Into Our Lives? @
     http://together-we-heal.org/2013/06/17/grooming-how-do-sexual-predators-get-into-our-lives/

5.  Intimate Partner Violence @
     http://www.butterflydreamsabuserecovery.com/intimate_partner_violence.html#.Uxu474WtyYF


6.  Adolescent Male Victims Of Sexual Abuse - The Psychological Effects @
     http://whatislove-2010.blogspot.com/2014/01/adolescent-male-victims-of-sexual-abuse.html

7.  Incest Survivors United Voices of America @
     http://www.isuvoa.com/

I know the Intimate Partner Violence article and the article about Grief aren't about Childhood Sexual Abuse as the name of the blog post says but they could be in the life of a survivor. As children being abused, you have much grieving to do in the healing process. Every time an issue comes up to be healed, you start the healing with facing the grief that comes up because of the losses in your childhood. Many of us who are sexually abused also grow up with Domestic Violence in our homes. Many grow up to live with intimate partner violence because of your poor sense of self-worth that says you don't deserve better treatment from your loved ones.
Patricia    

Inner Child Work And Feeling Safe

It seems that I am doing some inner child work lately. As I talked about in recent articles, my inner child does not feel safe right now. The only reason that I can come up with is writing my book has opened her up to all kinds of fears. Fear of being exposed to the world, on a bigger scale, as an incest survivor; breaking the bonds of silence in a new, bigger way; being vulnerable to so many strangers; being open to recalling new memories. All of it feels overwhelming to her. I can feel her fear and see her shaking.  I wonder if her fear is what is causing my headaches, in an effort to get me to stop writing but I am not going to do that. I can acknowledge her fears but I won't give in to them. If I gave into fear, I would never have left home when I did at 19. I would have never broken the silence of incest. I would never had told my dad that he wasn't safe to be in my life or around my children. I would never have written the first blog article or talked on the first radio program several years ago.

I see how far I have come today and I am proud of the courage that I have. I will keep facing my fears as they come up and I will assure my inner child that she is safe. I will pay attention to what her feelings tell me. And I will continue to write.

I have decided that something that might help is to go back and reread the book Recovery of Your Inner Child: The highly acclaimed method for liberating your inner self written by Lucia Capacchione, Ph. D., Published by Simon & Schuster, New York, NY: 1991.  This book taught me the importance of writing with my non-dominant hand in order to give my inner child a voice. I haven't done any of that kind of writing in many years. Maybe that will give me some answers to what is going on right now rather than me just guessing.

One thing that I learned is that the inner child is the keeper of my creativity. I realized recently that it was her fear that was blocking me from writing. When I faced that fear, the words started to flow again.

Another book that helped me with inner child work is an affirmations book that I have recently shared from, here in my blog. The book is called Affirmations For The Inner Child written by Rokelle Lerner. This book takes you throughout the year with an affirmation to be read for each day of the year.  I wanted to share the affirmation with you from March 3 on Safety.

"It is safe for my inner child to emerge.

The child within runs and hides when someone wants to come close. He lets himself be seen only for a short time, then gets frightened and runs away to hide again. He wants so much to be loved, to play, to experience the goodness of life. But life is too scary. Indeed, life has never been safe for him.

It is time to make life safe for my inner child and I have the power to create a safe haven. Safety brings freedom not only to accept and love myself but also to love others.

As I concentrate on making a safe haven for my inner child, I will be aware of my friends, old and new. I will choose friends who are emotionally healthy or moving on the journey toward wholeness. It is within the loving bonds of friendship that my inner child can come out and learn to feel safe."

Another friend of mine who is working with inner child issues is Mary Graziano. I want to share the link to one of her blog posts called "Memories Still Do Hurt."
 
http://nippercats.blogspot.com/2014/03/inner-child-is-hurting.html

I hope that all of you are having a good week. Keep telling yourself that Spring is just around the corner. I think most of us are tired of old man Winter.
Patricia

 

Sharing Our Stories And Healing From Incest - Does It Get Easier?

I am going to start this blog post with a quote from one of my favorite authors/guest speakers today in the world of healing resources.

"When you stand and share your story in an empowering way, your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else."
                           ----Iyanla Vanzant

A special online friend of mine, Debra Estep, shared this quote with me a few days ago with the words:

"Patricia ... To you, the one who stands out there sharing bringing 'healing' to others"

Debra's words brought such joy to my heart, as well as tears to my eyes, when I read them. Debra has been one of my supporters almost from the very beginning of my blog. She and I were introduced to each other through our mutual friend Slade Roberson who inspired me to start a blog in the first place. I appreciate the support of these two friends who have watched me struggle and grow comfortable here with sharing my story and reaching out to other survivors. Their encouragement is always appreciated. I love you both, my friends.

Someone asked me recently, "Does it get easier?"

Sharing our stories gets easier as you do it. Healing in itself gets easier with work and with time. And that said, each time a new issue comes up for me, I still feel some of the old pain but not with the intensity of in the beginning. An issue doesn't take the months to get through that it once did. Today an issue is usually worked through in a short amount of time. The new issue may take hours or even a few days to a week depending upon how much time and effort I put into working through it. The feelings around the issue and the issue itself don't take up my entire life like it did when I was just starting to heal.

Healing isn't about taking short cuts. I don't know of any easy ways to get rid of the pain. You have to go through the feelings, many of which were stuffed inside and numbed by this addiction or that one. Healing is the most painful thing you will probably ever do but you will find sunshine and a good life on the other side. Be patient and kind with yourself. Stop resisting your own pain. Quit resisting your own healing. You don't have to beat yourself up for not moving as fast as those inner voices say you have to. You can quiet those voices. Like your abusers, they are lying to you.

As you go through your day, look for the little things that you can be grateful for - the little wonders that pass through your day, the moments of silence when you can feel the presence of God in your life, the awesomeness of nature and how it helps to center you in the middle of some of the chaos that working on healing creates. Find the gift of a new awareness that you gained today as you let go of the lies. You will always find the gift at the end of the lesson if you take the time to look for them. Did you find a new piece of yourself today to add to the puzzle that is you? You won't see it if you move forward with your eyes closed. Be open to whatever experience comes your way today. You may see yourself as broken and you can always be mended. Mended is always stronger than the original.

In my experience, you have to go through the feelings in order to heal and that hurts most of the time. You have to feel the grief for all of the losses of the abused child that you were. You have the strength to get through it, just one day at a time. My anger was the first feeling that I became aware of. As I looked closer at the anger and rage, I found that they were both often just cover-ups for more hurt. The sadness that has been such a part of my being since I was a little girl was because of all of the hurt and the grief that she carried inside. As I learned to feel and learned to love myself, I was able to work through and then let go of much of that hurt and grief. The sadness lifted and joy returned. I say returned because children are naturally full of joy when they are born. If you don't believe me, just watch a baby laugh. See if you can touch that joy inside of yourself. It may be hidden beneath the hurt and sadness of the abuse. The joy is still there waiting for you to reach in and pull it out. Find something in your day to make you laugh. Think of something that you really like to do and do it.

Taking breaks from healing are absolutely necessary. The work of healing is hard. You can feel really overwhelmed at times. You can lose sight of the good things in your life. Start a hobby that you really like doing. Your inner child will love the opportunity to play. She/He will reward you with the joy that will come bubbling up unexpectedly when what you are doing connects with that well of creativity inside of you.

Sometimes you need to just sit and watch a child play. Watch a movie that you know will make you laugh and sometimes a movie that will make you cry, if that is what your heart needs at the moment. Tears are healing too. Go out for coffee with a friend. Take your pet for a walk. Get out in nature.

Then once you feel better, go back to the hard, but rewarding, work of healing you. Because you took a break, you will be better able to handle tomorrow and whatever issues the day brings to you. You are worth it. Some day, you won't hurt as much. You will get through today. One day at a time. Instead of looking at how much work you have left, look back at how far you have come. Be proud of yourself. Reward yourself for the small accomplishments you make. Take a moment to enjoy the sunshine in your life. The world isn't only clouds but you know what? Some of the most beautiful days I have ever seen were just full of clouds. Look at how the sun plays and creates such beauty out of the clouds. Clouds are much more interesting than just a clear, blue sky. So is your life.
Patricia