Shutting Down To Get Through The Holidays

Thanksgiving and Christmas can bring up many emotions for an incest survivor. Dealing with family members that you may not see other than those two holidays can bring up any unresolved issues and memories of past abuse, especially if the abusers are still alive and at the family activities that most people participate in during these two holidays. Some of us, to be peacemakers during the holidays, pretend that the abuse never happened. You don't want to upset anyone else with your emotional garbage when Thanksgiving and Christmas are supposed to be such happy times. You don't want to be seen as a Scooge because you can't pretend to be happy. You try to let go of your anger, once again, to appear normal. Sometimes you just want to be happy so bad that you pretend that you are for a little while. Holidays are when you miss the most the family that you never had as a child so you pretend.

You don't want everyone else to think you are crazy because you can't stand to be in the same room with the person who raped you. Afterall, all of that was years ago when you were a helpless kid. What most people don't understand is that the second you step into the room with your abuser, especially if it was your parent, you become that helpless kid again. The fear comes back full blown along with the rage that you carry with you as an adult. Both emotions can cause a volatile situation that you don't know how to deal with. You become so scared that you forget that you are now an adult who can protect her/himself. (Yes, incest does happen to little boys too, just not as often.)

Many times, in order to get through the holidays, you just shut down. It doesn't matter how many times that you tell yourself that you won't shut down this time. You still do it when your emotions become overwhelming. Shutting down is an emotional response that your mind uses to protect you until you are strong enough to deal with the situation and people involved. It probably saved your life when you were a child. It kept the body alive until the mind could cope. Sometimes coping is all that you can do to get through this holiday without really going crazy.

What I have just described was how I got through many holidays as a young adult. I don't shut down today. Today I am strong enough and brave enough to face my demons head on. Writing this blog helps me to do that. In remembering, I don't continue on in those old ways. What I accept, I can change. Today, if I find myself starting to shut down, I have another option. I can choose to leave physically. I can choose to feel what I feel. Fear, rage, sadness can all be part of my emotions during a holiday or any other time of the year. So can happiness, joy, peace, excitement, love. All of those are acceptable to me today. Today I can deal with my holiday memories from the past and talk about them with my support system of family and friends. I thank God for each of my support members.

This wasn't the article that I just sat down to write but it is the article that typed itself onto this page. Hopefully it will help someone else get through the upcoming holiday of Christmas by letting you know that you aren't alone with your struggles with family.
Patricia

Thanks Giving

Whether or not, you live in the U. S. which is celebrating its national holiday of Thanksgiving today, the Fall which is harvest time is a great time of the year to think about what you are grateful for in your life.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are the two times of the year that I usually spend more time with family. Thanksgiving I spend with my inherited family---my inlaws. I love everyone of them and appreciate that they accepted me into their lives 37 years ago when I married into their family. I especially love and like my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law who I have so much in common with. They bless my life with their love and friendship.

This week I am giving thanks for the many friendships that have blessed my life. Some of those friendships are very old and some are very new. Some are online. The computer has opened up my world to an incredible degree. I have many things to be grateful for in my life. Remembering those people and situations makes my life more joyful. How you choose to live your life really begins with your attitude.

No matter where you live, make sure that you go through today with an attitude of gratitude. Have a glorious day of Thanks Giving. You life will be better for it. Thank you for being a part of my life.
Patricia

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: November, 2009

November 19 was World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse. It was also the day that Marj aka Thriver posted the "Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: November, 2009" on her blog Survivors Can Thrive. My previous article "Calm" is featured in this Blog Carnival along with 34 other articles.

Marj aka Thriver is the organizer as well as this month's host for the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. I very much appreciate the work and time that Marj puts into running this Blog Carnival.

You can find this month's "Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: November, 2009" at the following link:

http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com/2009/11/blog-carnival-against-child-abuse.html

I hope that you will follow me to this link and read all of the articles that were submitted this month. If you are an abuse survivor, I warn you that some of the articles may be triggering for you. Marj has the following words at the beginning of the article:

"TRIGGER WARNING Child Abuse is an horrific reality in our world today. Understandably, reading articles about the abuse of children can be triggering. Please take appropriate care while perusing the carnival."

Prevention of child abuse is the topic for this month's Carnival. Thank you Marj for hosting this month's Carnival.
Patricia

Calm

I don't really have a lot to share today. I just wanted to let you know that for the past two weeks I have been in a place of calm. I told my Al-Anon sponsor the same thing in our talk on the phone yesterday. She told me that, knowing me, she knew that I wasn't running away or ignoring any major issues. That acknowledgment by her felt good. I am just in a place of calm, not the calm before the storm that I used to imagine it as, but a place of real calm. No issues are disturbing me right now. It is a time of rest and renewal of my energy and emotional health. Breaks are good for you when you are a survivor. You can't always be working on your issues. There is a whole other world to explore and other people to enjoy contact with. I no longer feel guilty for the breaks that I sometimes take. I deserve the time off to enjoy life. So do you.

During this break, I am still going to my Al-Anon meeting and my Grief class. Even they haven't brought up any issues for me the past two weeks. I know that could change later today or even tomorrow and I could be back in full growth/moving forward mode again. Until then I will enjoy the fiction books that I am reading, the movies that I have been watching and any other type of play that comes my way. Part of my journey means enjoying the breaks when they come along. All of life doesn't have to be hard. Enjoy.
Patricia

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: October 30, 2009 Edition

In The Best Interest: Child Advocacy Law blog is hosting the "Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: October 30, 2009". Lynda L. Hinkle is the author of this blog. Her subtitle says her blog is about "Child Welfare Law And Advocacy, Advancing The Rights Of Children And Giving Children A Greater Voice In The Legal System." Thanks, Lynda for hosting this month's Carnival. I hope that my readers join me in checking out the articles that were submitted for the Carnival Against Child Abuse for this month. The link is following:
http://inthebestinterest.blogspot.com/2009/10/blog-carnival-against-child-abuse.html

My article "Lies Incest Perpretrators Tell Their Victims" is included in the Carnival for October.
Patricia

Courage Isn't Just About The Big Stuff

Courage isn't just about the big stuff. Some days courage is about doing what is necessary to just get though the day. The comments that you leave here on my blog often speak about how courageous you believe I am. I appreciate the words of encouragement that you leave at the end of my articles. Many of you are just as courageous or even more so with what you deal with daily in your lives. Congratulate yourself for a job well done in overcoming your own childhood abuse in whatever form it takes.


As I visit blogs of other incest survivors, I see more examples of courage. Setting boundaries with family members, saying no to any more abuse, saying yes to spiritual growth, saying yes to change in your life---all of these are daily examples of courage that I see on the survivor blogs that I visit each week.

Some instances of showing courage would be saying no to an abusive relationship, getting a divorce instead of staying because it is more comfortable than facing the unknown, confronting your abuser with what he/she has done and letting them know this behavior is not acceptable, being a parent instead of a friend to your children, sharing your story with others (The first time is the hardest.), setting healthy boundaries when you had no boundaries before. All of these show the courage that each of us is capable of.

The every day kind of courage comes about when you learn to say no instead of stretching yourself to unbearable limits, learning to care for and nurture the lost and hurting inner child, putting your needs first and not feeling guilty so that you aren't an empty vessel that isn't capable of helping anybody, getting counseling for yourself to help you deal with the abuse issues, sharing your childhood story of abuse with a close friend or loved one.

You may not see yourself as being strong or being courageous. If you are working on your abuse issues, you are both. Courage is being afraid and moving forward and making choices anyway. Hugs and blessings to all of you.
Patricia

Daybreak---The End Of Night

From Daybreak, Meditations For Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse, written by Maureen Brady, 1991, February 26 page:

"Deepening
I regret the abuse I suffered, yet I value the way healing from it has deepened me.

All human beings, whether survivors of childhood abuse or not, are confronted with illness, accidents, loss of loved ones, and a whole host of other injuries that hurt us and we wish hadn't happened. Yet don't we learn from these times how to value what we may have taken for granted---good health, for instance? And don't we discover resources that migh have otherwise lain dormant in us?

As I deal with my memories of abuse, I often rail against my lot, wishing this history belonged to someone else, that I could be free from it. But then I wonder, who would this someone else be? I realize how much strength I've observed in myself as I've grappled with my pain. I've found the me who came through. I've found the freedom to leave behind more superficial masks that otherwise might have covered my face for a lifetime."


I find comfort in reading that. Why did I choose to name this article "Daybreak---The End Of Night after reading the above daily meditation? First of all, this book Daybreak, Meditations For Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse brings me much comfort. It gives me hope that one day I may actually leave the darkness of incest---the nighttime of my childhood---behind. If someone else can do this, so can I. So can you.

This meditation reminded me of all of the incest survivor blogs that I read and all of the other survivors who are struggling, as I struggle, to face the hurt and anger and to leave the past behind. Letting go of the pain---the hurt, anger, alienation, betrayal, inner messages of negativity, the isolation, the secrets---I believe that all of this is possible. I also know it isn't as easy as some would like you to believe. Don't you think if it were that easy that more people would instantly do it? Nobody that I know really enjoys being an incest survivor.

If you are an incest survivor or a child abuse survivor, you can look at the right sidebar and find a list of the sites that I frequently read written by other survivors who are in recovery and learning to thrive despite their childhood abuse. Each of these blog writers shares their journey through abuse on their blogs. Learning that you are not the only one makes the journey easier. I appreciate each of these bloggers for the courage that they show me daily. The journey is easier when it is shared. Thank you each and everyone. Have a glorious day.
Patricia