Self-worth Means I Love You

Have you ever reached a place in a game where you find yourself falling short of your best game score and you just can't seem to reach a higher score? You keep playing the game over and over and still continue to fall short.

Life can be like your game. You can reach a point where all of the self-improvement techniques don't take you any higher. You have self-improved as much as is humanly possible. You are where you are in life. You can continue to strive to be better, more highly evolved, but in the mean time you are so focused on the future that you miss the present.

Life is going pretty good for you. You are in a good or even great relationsip with yourself, your spouse, your family, your friends. Where are you? Enjoying the benefits of all of your hard work to get where you are today or are you still thinking/feeling that you aren't worthy enough, smart enough, pretty enough??? The list can go on and on. When do you decide that enough is enough?

Life can be glorious when you allow it to be. All of it comes back to you, not the outside you, but the inside you. When are you going to be happy, content, successful enough for you?

It all always comes back to you and how much you love yourself. Today can you look in the mirror and say "I love you." to yourself and mean it? This is where self-worth comes from, not from someone outside of yourself but from you. Until you can love yourself, loving anyone else is impossible. YOU are the most important person in your life.
Patricia

The Case Of The Three-Year-Old Adultress

The following is something that I wrote years ago and a friend found and gave me his copy of it recently. I warn you that it won't be easy to read. It may cause flashbacks. It may make you cry. For that I apologize. It is still difficult for me to read. I wrote this when I was 40 years old which would put the date of writing this as 1991. I didn't write a date on this paper so I don't know the exact date that I wrote it. Here it is in its entirety.

THE CASE OF THE THREE-YEAR-OLD-ADULTRESS

by

Patricia C. Singleton

"I learned a new word today. That word is adultress---that word is me. I am sitting in church with my grandma and I am three years old.

Today I added a new word to my vocabulary. That word is fornicator---that word is not me. I am sitting in an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting and I am forty years old.

This year, I am eleven years old. I haven't started to develop into a young woman yet, but it will happen later this year. My periods will start; I will develop breasts; I will grow hair under my arms; and I will grow hair on my pubic area. Before any of this happens, I will become an incest victim.

I don't have any memories of sexual abuse happening before the age of eleven. I remember a weekend of repeatedly being raped by an uncle. I remember the pain, the tears, the pleas for him to stop, the fear and the silence. I remember the sense of betrayal that I felt. I remember wondering what was wrong with me that I had caused him to do this to me. What I don't remember is any blood. This was my first time. I was a virgin.

A few months later, I started working on weekends helping my Daddy at the dairy barn. The first night we had to go to the hay barn to get hay down for the cows to eat the next day. I followed Daddy up the ladder to the loft. He turned his flashlight off. He told me to pull down my pants and to lay across a bale of hay. We were in total darkness. I was scared and disgusted. I knew, without being told, what was going to happen, again. The incest continued to happen an average of two times a week for the next six years. I have many memories from this period of my life---memories that, as an adult, I consciously tried to forget.

Until three years ago, I thought that I had a full memory of the years that the incest was happening. I went to visit an aunt who is a year older than I am. My aunt lives in Dallas, TX. My husband took our children to the Book Depository Museum from which Lee Harvey Oswalt was supposed to have shot President John Kennedy. When my husband walked into my aunt's house, he and our children were talking about the Museum. My husband asked my aunt and I where we were the day the President was shot in 1963. I said that I was in my 7th grade science class. My aunt looked at me and said that she and my grandmother were living with my family at that time. I looked at her and asked her to repeat what she had just said. I was shocked. I remember several times when we were children that she and my grandmother lived with us. I have absolutely no memory of them living with us at that time. I was confused and very frightened. If I didn't remember this, what else did I not remember?

My memories, or lack of those memories, remains a mystery to me. The pieces of the puzzle are slowly falling into place. Three years ago, because of some paintings that I did, a counselor told me that I was probably as young as eight or nine years old when the incest began. Two months ago, while I was sitting in my Incest Survivor Group listening to someone else talking, I suddenly heard a child's voice inside my head. She shouted, "Something happened when you were seven years old!" I still don't know what happened, but I believe my feelings that tell me that something of importance did happen.

Three weeks ago, I told my story for the first time. My story was told to a mixed group of men and women from several different recovery groups. Because I wanted to hear my own story, I taped it. I knew I wouldn't remember half of what I said to the group. I listened to the tape twice alone at home. The third time I played the tape was for my Incest Survivor Group and one of my counselors. Because this was a safe environment, I was able to hear a sentence that I hadn't heard myself say before. What I said was that at a very young age, I had labeled myself as an adultress. As I heard myself say this on the tape, a picture from my past came to mind. I was sitting in church with my grandmother listening to the preacher talk about adultery. I was three years old when I first labeled myself as an adultress. The sexual abuse was already happening in order for me to attach the label of adultress to myself. I don't have any memories of this happening, but why would a three-year-old attach that label to herself unless, in her own mind, it fit the circumstances she was living in?

Two weeks ago, at an ACA meeting, I was talking about labeling myself an adultress at the age of three. A person in the group pointed out that I wasn't married so I couldn't be an adultree at the age of three. That person said the label should have been fornicator instead of adultress.

The Webster's Encyclopedia of Dictionaries gives the two following definitions:

"Adultery---violation of the marriage vows."

"Fornication---sexual intercourse between unmarried persons."

As an Incest Survivor, I am not guilty of being an adultress or a fornicator. I was forced into a sexual relationship that was not of my choosing. I was the victim. I am now a Survivor who refuses to believe the lies she was told as a child. I know that I was not a three-year-old-adultress.

I was a victim of the adults in my life. As an adult, instead of punishing myself for something that was never my fault, I can celebrate each day of my life. I have the new found freedom to experience joy, laughter, and serenity. I can now allow myself to experience all of my emotions, including my fear and anger. As a Survivor, I am learning to take care of myself. As I grow in strength and become more open to life, more memories may surface.

I am learning what courage is. Courage is being afraid and doing the work anyway. Dealing with the pain, fear and anger of recovery takes courage. I don't know where this story will end for me. I do know I am willing to make the journey because in the end, I will be a better person.

Also, by sharing my story with you, I may give you the awareness that the adults in my life didn't have. If you can do something to prevent a child being abused, please do it. A child may not be able to ask for help. They are often afraid to say anything if they have already been betrayed by an adult that they trusted. As an adult, don't be afraid to get involved. If you think something is wrong, please ask the child. As a child, I couldn't tell anyone what my dad was doing. I didn't think anyone would believe me. I often prayed that some caring adult would ask me if something was wrong. Then I could break the code of silence that I was taught by my abusers. Don't ignore the signs of abuse. Protect our children."

Even back in 1991, I knew that I would some day be writing about my abuse in order to help others. This past week, 5 of my email subscribers unsubscribed while I gained at least that many or more new subscribers through the feed readers. I am always sad to see any of my readers leave. I am always pleased to see new readers come along. Thank you to both for joining in on my journey, even if it is for just a short time.

I know that what I am writing about is difficult to read. Without breaking the silence of abuse, nothing and nobody changes. Holding it all inside, silently suffering keeps you a victim. Sharing with others makes this burden easier to bear until it turns itself around and becomes a blessing. You may ask, how does incest become a blessing? The blessing comes from the strength and compassion that I have today that I might not would have if not for my experiences of the past.

Patricia

Happy Birthday Daniel

My biggest supporter in this journey through life had a birthday yesterday on August 4. He turned 60. He can't believe it and neither can I. Both of us wonder where the time went. The person I am talking about is my dear, sweet, very patient husband Daniel.

The "Just for You!" card from American Greetings that I gave Daniel this year said things like,
"I love you because. . .
You believe in me
You're so lovable
You're a romantic at heart
You listen
You make me laugh
You're fun and surprising
You're honest with me"

The card also says,
"You're incredibly sexy
You're hugs are the best
You're the world's greatest kisser"

Those last three made me giggle when I read them. This was such a great card because it says everything that I feel about my husband. Don't you just love greeting cards.

All of those words from the greeting card are so true. Daniel is my husband, my lover and my very best friend in the whole world. He has supported me through all of my many struggles with incest, codependency and the alcoholism issues from my childhood. He has supported me as I struggled to figure out who I am, what I want from Life, what I need from myself and from him in this relationship called marriage, and as I struggled with being a mother while I was learning to mother myself. The years haven't always been good. I haven't always been kind. Some years I was very angry. Often I felt almost lost in the sadness of loss that the inner child felt.

One of the best qualities that Daniel possesses is his wonderful, querky sense of humor that can always cheer me up and remind me that there is joy to be found in Life. Daniel has allowed me the space to grow and to be whatever I have needed to be in order to find out what being me really means. Daniel you hold my heart in your very strong, capable hands and you always will.

Darling, I really do love you with all of my heart.
Happy Birthday Daniel
Your loving wife,
Patricia

Carnival Against Sexual Violence 74

This Carnival came out on July 15, so I know that I am presenting this to you late. I have been processing more stuff lately and didn't look at it myself until yesterday. Any way, here is the link for this month's Carnival Against Sexual Violence 74: http://abyss2hope.blogspot.com/2009/07/carnival-against-sexual-violence-74.html

The Carnival is hosted by Marcella Chester at her blog abyss2hope: A rape survivor's zigzag journey into the open. Thanks Marcella for the wonderful job that you do. Now I am going to go and start reading this Carnival's articles. I hope you will do the same.

Enjoy your summer.
Patricia

Lies Incest Perpretrators Tell Their Victims

Lies Incest Perpretrators Tell Their Victims:

1. This is your fault. You are bad, therefore it is ok for me to do this to you. You deserve it.

2. No one will believe you. You are just a kid, no one will believe you over an adult. Your mom doesn't want to know.

3. I love you. The only reason that I am doing this to you is because I love you. You are special to me. We have a special bond between us that you can't share with anyone else. They wouldn't believe you if you told them.

4. Your mother doesn't care. She wouldn't stop this if she knew. She doesn't love me the way that you do. She hates sex. I have to get it somewhere. If you say no, then I will have to cheat on your mother with some other woman. You don't want that to happen do you. It would be your fault if we split up.

5. You don't want to hurt your mother by telling her, do you? This is just our little secret. Besides, she wouldn't believe you. She would be jealous if she knew.

6. You seduced me. It is all your fault.

7. You know you wanted it. If you didn't want it, I wouldn't do it.

8. You don't mean it when you say no. I know you love me and you want it as much as I do.

9. You have to do what I say. I am the adult. What you want isn't important. Do what I say or you will get a beating.

10. What women want doesn't matter. I am a man. I am the important one in this family. What I say goes no matter what. Women are trash to be used for sex when the man wants. That is all you are good for.

These were the lies that I was told as a child by my dad. I don't think they are any different than the lies told to other children from abusive homes. As an adult, I no longer believe these lies. As a child, I didn't know that they were lies made up by my dad to keep me under his rule.
Patricia

July Blog Carnival: aka Freedom to Heal

Mile 191 has hosted the July Blog Carnival: aka Freedom to Heal this month. Freedom to Heal is the topic because of the celebration of July 4 as the Independence Day of the U. S. from England. We each declare our freedom from abuse in different ways. Thank you Mile 191 for hosting this Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for this month. My recent article "Independence Day" was in the Blog Carnival.


You will find the Blog Carnival at the following link:
http://mile191.blogspot.com/2009/07/july-blog-carnival-aka-freedom-to-heal.html . Mile 191 hosts the carnival at her blog Come Into My Closet. If you are wondering the meaning of Mile 191 here is the article that explains that choice of name: http://mile191.blogspot.com/2008/11/why-mile-191.html .

Have a glorious day, unless you choose to do otherwise.
Patricia

Blog Link Love

Can you believe that the summer is already half over. Kids go back to school in about six weeks or so depending upon your school system. I am so thankful that my kids are grown and we no longer have to go through that. Daniel is talking about the possibility of flying to Idaho before school starts to visit our daughter, son-in-law and their four kids before they start back to school. I don't envy my daughter trying to get four kids in school.

I have had a quiet week and don't have anything urgent to write about today. I thought I would share some of the blogs that I discovered this week. We have such an amazing amount of writers and knowledge on just about anything you want to look up on the internet these days. It used to be the library that you went to for information. Today it is the worldwide web without having to even leave the comfort of our air conditioned homes.

Here are the blogs that I discovered this week:

The first blog is called Keeping It Real written and hosted by Darren Sproat found at
http://blog.darrensproat.com/ . I read several articles by Darren and his guest authors this week: "Energize your Passion and "Clear Your Limitations" were written by Mr. Sproat. "Healing Tree Grounding Ceremony" and "Spiritual Connection?" were written by a guest author, Frank Dickinson. I liked Darren's site so much that I subscibed to it and look forward to reading more.

The second blog that I ran across this week is called Positively Present written by Dani. The article that I read is "saying no to negativity is as easy as ABC(DE)". I have several negative people in my life, including myself at times. I tend to give in to negativity when I am afraid of circumstances or the people involved. The article gives you ways to deal with negativity when it comes up. The list is called "The ABCDE Disputation Technique (or, 5 Ways to Get Rid of Negativity)". Do yourself a favor and check out the article at the following link:
http://www.positivelypresent.com/2009/07/disputing-negativity-is-as-easy-as-abcde.html .

The third blog for this week is called The Rat Race Trap and is written by Stephen Mills. This blog is a personal development blog that offers some really sound advise. The articles that I read are "Stop Being the Victim" and "Finding Your True Self". You will find Stephen's blog at the following link: http://www.ratracetrap.com/ .

The fourth blog is written by Evelyn Lim and called Attraction Mind Map. Evelyn's blog is about "Attract [ing] Abundance With Your Mind" which is the subtitle of her blog. The article that I read is called "Love The Man In The Mirror." To check out this blog, go to the following site: http://www.attractmindmap.com/love-the-man-in-the-mirror/ .

The fifth and last blog for this article comes from Another Sober Alcoholic. Even though I am not an alcoholic, I learned in Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics groups that I have some of the characteristics of an alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic only because I choose not to drink. I have too many fears of how I would behave as an alcoholic to ever want to test that alcoholic gene that I carry. You will find this blog at the following link: http://steveroni.blogspot.com . Steve seems to have quite a bit of information to offer through the sharing of his own journey of being a recovering alcoholic.

Happy Reading,
Patricia