Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Movie "Precious" And Incest

Here is a recent comment that I left on the website Bossip.com . You can find the article that I commented to at the following link: [Warning: the language of the comments may be offensive to some. The video could also be a trigger for some incest survivors.]

http://bossip.com/224627/damn-gabourey-sidibes-precious-audition-tape-is-powerful-video/ .

"Incest is a very big problem in our society. I have never heard Oprah or anyone else say that it only happens in the black community. Believe me, it doesn't.

Those of us who are incest survivors know just how big this problem is. I am an incest survivor and my skin color is white. Black or white, skin color doesn't matter if you are an incest survivor.

This problem has been hidden for so very long. I think we are blessed that Oprah and other celebrities are bringing the secret of incest out into the open. As long as it is hidden, we will never stop it from happening to our children. The children are important. They are our future.

If you don't like Oprah's choice of movies or her topics on her show, don't watch them. Tell [should have been "turn"] the TV off. Don't buy tickets to the movie. You have a simple choice not to go there.

As an incest survivor, I can't turn off my life. My past has molded me into who I am today. Today I am a survivor. "Get over it" as some other commenter said isn't as easy as you would like to believe. Today incest doesn't rule my life like it once did.

If "getting over it" was an easy option, don't you think we would do that. It isn't easy. Incest affects every area of my life. Shame, low-self worth, self-hatred, rage, a hurt so deep that it seems like you will never recover from it---I have dealt with all of these. People who tell you to just "get over it" don't know what the hell they are talking about and I hope that they never learn about incest first hand. Don't let your ignorance make you heartless.

What you want is for me to go back into denial of my incest issues. That isn't healthy and helps no one, lest of all me. Pretending that I am not affected by incest just makes me more of a victim which I refuse to ever be again. How about you stop pretending that incest isn't a part of our world?"

In the video audition, Miss Sidibe say two things that jumped out at me. She said, "I'm tired." and she said, "I've had enough of love."

For most of my life since I was a very small child, I have lived with a bone weary tiredness that never seemed to leave. I think that I still carry some of that feeling in my body. I learned to live with that tiredness a long time ago if I wanted to achieve anything in my life. I have been reading about doing body work on several other blogs over the past few months. Maybe it is time for me to find out if I can trust enough to do body work.

I think that many incest survivors have decided that they have had enough of love. Love to an incest survivor often has the sexual abuse so tied up in the concept of love that it is hard to trust anyone else to be intimate enough to give healthy love a chance to grow. Trust is so much involved with loving another person, letting that person get close enough for love to grow. Some of us have been so abused that trust in another person is almost impossible to even imagine. Having someone abuse you sexually while they are saying that they love you really messes up your concept of trust and love. Having someone tell you, like my dad did, that if you love me you will let me do this makes you not even trust yourself, much less someone else. Only by the grace of God did I take a chance and let myself learn to love my husband when he came into my life back in 1972. He is worth loving and so am I. I don't know where I got the courage to even try. Some incest survivors don't.

Incest and violence neither one are confined to just one race. Neither cares about the color of your skin or what language you speak or if you are even old enough to speak. Sometimes they don't even care if you are male or female. They don't care how much money your family has and they don't care what educational level your family comes from. They don't discriminate like some people would like you to believe.
Patricia

14 comments:

Grace said...

Tears are streaming down my face from watching the video clip and reading the poignant and honest words you have written.
I feel so shattered, still, to this day. I've had enough of "love" too.
I hope people read your words and someday understand how incest affects every single minute of our lives.

Patricia Singleton said...

Grace, thank you for your words. I haven't seen the movie yet because I know it will make me feel too much.

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...

Have not seen the movie. Pat, appreciate you sharing. Touches me deeply, you do not know.

Colleen said...

I have not seen the movie yet either. I am afraid to I think.
Hurray for your comment. You spoke well and said everything I would want to say. You speak up well of yourself and for the rest of us as well. I thank you.

Patricia Singleton said...

JBR, I intend to see the movie when it comes out to be rented. I don't want to watch it in a movie theater with other people. Thanks for your comment.

Patricia Singleton said...

Colleen, you are welcome. I speak out for the little girls that we were who could not speak out.

katie said...

dear patricia, i am so grateful you are in this world. i appreciate all that you say here. you are a wonderful advocate and your sharing is meaningful and inspiring. thank you so much.

Patricia Singleton said...

Katie, thank you so much for your comment. My days of being silent are long past. I don't have any fears left in that area. I just told my future daughter-in-law a few days ago that I am an incest survivor and that I blog about it. If we continue to be silent, the abuse continues.

katie said...

hi patricia, i just wanted to let you know, i mentioned you and your blog in the post i wrote this morning. i was intrigued by your faith, so i clicked on the unity link on your page, and wrote about what i read. i found it inspiring and reassuring. i wanted to let you know i did this. but of course if you would rather i not link to you, please let me know and i'll remove the link.

hope you're having a great day! :)

Patricia Singleton said...

Katie, I am honored that you would link your article back to me. Thank you. Now I am going to go read your article.

Clueless said...

Incest does not discriminate. It effects all races, disabilities, gender, socioeconomic background, etc...

I really want to see the movie "Precious," but my therapist told me that he thought of me when seeing it and that he does not want me to see it yet. So, I didn't watch the video you linked. Thank you for being a responsible blogger by using a trigger warning.

CC

Patricia Singleton said...

Clueless, I haven't seen the movie yet myself. I think it is now on video to be rented. When I can, I am going to rent it and get a friend to watch it with me.

Until I started visiting other survivor sites, I had never seen or heard of using a Trigger Warning. Now on articles like this one, I do try to include that in my article. The movie may well be a trigger for me as well. We will see. You are welcome.

Shen said...

There's a lot in this post, and I hear your anger and frustration. I followed the link and watched the video... it is a powerful audition. The comments, though... OMG. Ignorance at its finest and the barest understanding of the english language... and I suspect that is the only language they know.

So many people want to say something but really have nothing to say. They want someone to respond, they crave attention, and so they say something that is sure to get a response no matter how ridiculous or inflamitory or ignorant.

So that said, here is my inflamitory statement of the day: I have to say that I have found Oprah to be very racist. I used to pick up the books she recommended but after half a dozen I noticed that she only recommends books that are either about black people or about racial conflict. Some of the books were well written, others were not. The only thing they had in common was the race issue.

Because she is black and grew up in an incestuous home, she may have it in her head that it is a black issue, or she may only be comcerned with helping people who are like her - black women who grew up with incest - because of some misguided ideal that they need the help more or are less likely to get it without her help. So, I can understand the comments that insinuate that Oprah is putting negative stereotypes on black people if she is in fact saying that it is a black problem. It is not a black problem, it is a human problem and is probably as old as mankind - maybe older. Because of the book I'm writing, I've done a lot of research on chimps, and even in chimpanzee society it is not acceptable for an adult male - even if he is the dominant "alpha" male - to have sex with a female who has not yet reached maturity. Incestuous or not, it seems even animals are aware of the child-adult boundary and that is really the key problem, in my opinion.

Patricia Singleton said...

Shen, thanks for your comment. I haven't read any of the books on Oprah's book club. I haven't noticed the racist side of Oprah but then we often don't see what we don't want to see. I see all of the good that she has tried to do.

We all see the world and other people through our own set of filters that are created through our own experiences. She is black and she is an incest survivor so she sees the world through those filters. I am white and an incest survivor so I see the world through those filters. Each of us has our own unique view of the world. In some places we connect and in some we don't.