Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Movies, Dreams, Grieving, Books and Feelings

I haven't written a post since the end of January. I have been processing some of my stuff. For that, I needed to be quiet and feel what all of that means to me before I can voice it to you or anybody else.

I have been reading about homeopathy for the past several weeks and experimenting on myself with a few remedies that I thought might be helpful to me physically and emotionally. I started out by going online and doing a Google Search. Then I visited the two health food stores in Hot Springs. My reason for doing this is that regular medicines haven't been working for me for awhile so I need to find something that will work.

I found a remedy called ignatia amara which on the bottle says it is for "nervousness, due to everyday stress." In several of the books on homeopathy that I have read, it says that ignatia amara is for unresolved grief. For that reason, I bought it and have been taking it several times a day for the past week. I was not aware of any unresolved grief but wanted to find out if I had any that I was still carrying around.

I think I have mentioned that several months ago, I started going to a Grieving Class that an old friend of mine is teaching. Most of the information so far is not new to me. I learned it over 20 years ago from this same friend when I was in the middle of working on my incest issues and the grieving that work brought up. So far what I have discovered is how much I have changed and grown. Thank you, Jack. I feel like I am beginning to open up in this class. Feelings are beginning to come up. I keep going to the class because it feels like this is the place for me to be.

This past Wednesday night a friend and I went to the movies to see "The Lovely Bones." It was my friend's choice. She had read the book and wanted to see the movie. I wasn't so sure but went along with her choice.

I knew from the advertisements that a 14-year-old girl gets kidnapped and killed by a neighbor. The story is also about the struggles of the family to accept her death. The mother deals with her death by running away and the father and younger sister go after the killer and finally figure out who he is. In the meantime, the 14-year-old hangs around and watches them. There is more to the movie that I won't tell you.

It is a really good movie to watch. Still, because of the feelings that came up for me, I can't say that it was a movie that I liked. I will not watch it again. It was difficult for me, because of my incest issues, to sit and watch the movie. You don't actually see the violence of the young girl's death or sexual abuse. They are both implied by all of the blood and the secrecy of the scene. In some ways being implied is worse because it causes you to use your imagination. As an incest survivor, I can imagine plenty. I cried throughout the movie. The movie brought up feelings from my own childhood incest.

I went home still disturbed by the movie and my feelings that had come up. I went to bed and before morning had the following dream:

I was in a car by myself. Other people were around. I drove up a hill and stopped. Suddenly the car was rolling backwards down the hill. I knew, without seeing it, that a lake was behind me. As I rolled down the hill, I turned the steering wheel of the car until the car was turned around and facing the lake which I still couldn't see but knew was there. For an instance, I was sitting in the back seat with no one driving the car. Then I was back in the driver's seat still rolling toward the lake. I woke up as the car hit the water but continued the dream. I realized that the driver's side window was down. I had to choose to get out of the car now or wait for the water to start coming in. I decided to get out through the window instead of waiting. I used my feet to push off from the car. Then I realized that I still couldn't swim. That is when I stopped the dream.

I have had many car in the water dreams before but not one recently. I have even written on my blog about them. I knew that this dream was about the movie and my feelings about the movie. As a friend pointed out to me, in this dream, I turned and faced the water this time. That says that I am willing to face my emotions this time. Another first was the open window. I gave myself a way to escape from the car before it was completely submerged. For a brief moment I was in the back seat instead of driving the car. A part of me still feels out of control of the situation. Many times in the past, I have been in the back seat instead of being the driver. In the past, I would have waken up and stopped the dream the second I hit the water if not before I hit the water. For years, I would come to the edge of the water and wake up. It took years before I would allow myself to go into the water. I have had dreams in which I actually swam in the water. I haven't learned to swim in this lifetime and that sometimes carries over into my dreams but not always. In this dream, I remembered that I couldn't swim and didn't know who was going to rescue me so some part of me is still waiting for someone else to rescue me from the feelings which is what the water represents in my dreams.

On Thursday night, I went to the Grieving Class. We were all laughing about something that someone said and I started to cry. I did not know that I was going to cry. I did so silently not wanting anyone to see and at the same time hoping that someone would ask. There is a child inside of me that is still wanting someone to ask so that she can tell about the hurting. Why can't I just come out and say that I am hurting? Why is it still so hard to do? After the class, I stated that the house where the class is held is a safe place for me to cry. But I didn't stay and talk and cry. I went back to another friend's house with the intention of talking to her and crying but when we got to her house a friend was there so I turned off the feelings and the tears.

As my husband picked me up, my friend gave me a book to read. The book is called The Shack written by William Paul Young, In collaboration with Wayne Jacobsen and Brad Cummings, windblown Media, Los Angeles, California, 2007. I started reading the book shortly after getting home. I read it and cried over the next three days. It is a novel that starts out with the kidnapping and murder of a six and a half year old little girl. The book is about her father and his struggles with her death. In his struggle, he gets a letter from Papa and an invitation to meet him at the shack where his daughter's bloody clothes were found. Papa is what his wife calls God. I won't tell you the rest of the story because you really need to read it for yourself. The subtitle of the book is "Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity."

The book is about how Papa (God) uses our tragedies to bring us back to our relationship with Him/Her. Papa actually starts out as a big black woman who is so full of humor and love that She is almost overwhelming (to me). This is a wonderful book about our relationship to God. It was a wonderful, very emotional end to my week's journey through feelings.

I still haven't figured out everything that is going on with me because of the movie and the book. I will continue to take the homeopathic remedy as well to see what else comes up. I just love the way the Universe works to bring up the stuff that I need to work with in a time that I am willing to look at it. This story isn't ended yet. I still have more to look at.

Related Posts:
Dream Interpretation found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/10/dream-interpretation.html

As A Survivor, I Had To Learn To Take Care Of Myself found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2009/06/as-survivor-i-had-to-learn-to-take-care.html


Marj aka Thriver said...

Good for you, Patricia, for staying with those feelings, even when it's hard. Yes, there is so much to look at, but we have to "keep on swimmin'" even if it's just figuratively.

Patricia Singleton said...

Marj, thanks for your encouragement. I am still processing all of my thoughts and feelings.

katie said...

dear patricia, it sounds like you've gone through many deep emotions this week and that the film and book and dream and meeting each had a powerful effect on you.

i've had car dreams myself and as i was reading about yours i thought i had a few insights, but then you said each thing i was thinking :) so i'm happy to know i was intuiting correctly.

in my case, when i dream of being in a car, i think that has to do with my feeling of how much power or control i have in a situation. i thought it made perfect sense that you would have started rolling backwards in the car down towards the water. as it seems the movie propelled you back into feelings from your past.

i'm glad for you that you're able to experience your emotions. and can relate to how difficult it is to speak them to someone. to need to be asked. for me, it's because it was not ok to have bad feelings when i was little, i needed to keep them to myself to keep from being a bother. it's so hard to overcome that internalized message that it wasn't ok to express emotions freely. that we need permission in some way. that we need to be invited.

i'm so glad for you that you invite yourself and give yourself permission to speak here on your blog.

sending you warm wishes this week~

Patricia Singleton said...

Katie, thanks for sharing your thoughts about my dream. I didn't make the connection about going backwards in the car because of going back into feelings from the past. That is an important clue that I missed. Dreams can teach us so much about ourselves.

Just Be Real said...

((((Pat)))) Thank you for sharing your dream. Continue to process. Here listening....

Patricia Singleton said...

JBR, thank you and I am sending those hugs back to you. I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night and the topic of the meeting was grieving and asking for help. The lady read out a list of yes or no questions about taking care of ourselves.

When it was my turn to talk, I asked if she had been following me around all week. Then I told her that most of the time I would answer yes to most of the questions but that for last week, most of the answers were no. It was not surprising to me to hear most people in the group say that they also had trouble asking for help.

My lesson last week was that I am still having trouble asking for help from others. Will I ever reach that point of not being so fearful of rejection? I don't know. But I am going to continue forward.

Anonymous said...

Dear Patricia,
I found it interesting that in your dream you were in the car alone, although there were other people around. A metaphor for abuse situations.
Also wanted to say I was given ignatia by a homeopathic doctor for an issue I can't even remember now, but when he gave it to me, he had asked me about my dreams. I told him I was plagued with frightening nightmares on an almost nightly basis. He said the ignatia would put an end to them, and he was right.
Sending you blessings. Lisa

Patricia Singleton said...

Lisa, thanks for the additional interpretation of my dream. It fits. As I study more about homeopathic remedies, I am finding that one remedy can have many, many uses. I rarely have nightmares any more. My water dreams show me how much I have grown over the years.

Colleen said...

Patricia, it is so good that you can be so open about what is going on with you and about your feelings. Thanks for sharing. Hugs.

Patricia Singleton said...

Colleen, it is easier for me to write about it on my blog than it is for me to talk about it with people that are in my life every day. I do share what I write about with my husband but we rarely talk about it.