I am still processing the first letter in this series of posts. The grieving has lifted some. The headaches have gotten less frequent but the nausea of this past week is still hanging on. Last night I was talking with a friend about the headaches and the nausea and what their significance might mean to me. I know the headaches are from the stress and my own inner resistance to doing this work. I know that I had headaches as early as seven years old. I know that my first year in 12-Step meetings, I left every single meeting with a headache when I didn't have one at the beginning of the meeting. Some part of me was resisting what I was hearing in those meetings.
This afternoon I have been thinking about the nausea and remembering. I remembered that every time there was a sexual encounter when I was a child that I would immediately get an upset stomach. I remember many times telling my dad or my mom that I felt like I was going to throw up and them ignoring me. What I learned was that how I felt physically and emotionally didn't matter to either of them. I remember for the first ten years of my marriage that every time my husband and I made love I would then, afterwords, experience nausea and I would ignore it as my parents had taught me to do as a child. As an adult, I continued to discount my feelings, physically and emotionally for many years. I didn't know any other way to be. It took several years of going to 12-Step meetings before I began to feel anything.
What I realized today is that the nausea that I have been ignoring this week may very well be a body memory since I am now opening up to the inner children who felt this as a way of trying to stop the sexual abuse. The nausea may not be related to the sexual abuse at all but with these thoughts coming up, I have to wonder. I know that all of this is pure speculation on my part. I know to some people this may sound totally crazy. I do know that there is a connection between feelings, abuse and physical symptoms of the body.
Louise L. Hay in her book Heal Your Body, The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Metaphysical Way to Overcome Them on page 52 says "Nausea Fear. Rejecting an idea or experience. I am safe. I trust the process of life to bring only good to me."
Those words could be very true in my past situation with the incest and my current situation of going back and visiting my inner children and the abuse that they suffered and continue to carry for me. A part of me is still rejecting the idea that incest occurred in my childhood and is still affecting me today. The part of me that still doesn't want to deal with this could be causing the nausea as a way of making me not face the truths that I am facing with writing this Inner Child Letters Series. It could be that because I am going back and revisiting this past trauma that the nausea is coming out as a body memory of what I felt back then. This could be the body's way of finally releasing its feelings of unease from back there. In many ways this whole thing is a new territory for me so I am feeling my way around. Does any of this make sense to you, my readers or am I totally losing it here and trying to make up something to explain away the feelings again? It would be nice if when I finally finish processing all of this that the headaches and nausea would completely go away.
This isn't the post that I thought I was sitting down to write. Oh well, what is is. This is my post for today. Before closing, I want to share these websites and blogs that really helped me to stay positive while dealing with this stuff in the past few weeks.
Kendra Kett blogs wonderful little tidbits of wisdom at http://www.pinwheelgirls.com .
Ellen Brown has a blog called Stepping Stones that offers help for going through many of life's transitions at http://ellen-brown.com/blog/2009/10/02/attitude-of-gratitude-helps-when-dealing-with-job-loss-or-other-life-transitions/
Thanks to Kendra and Ellen for the posts that you have written that haved eased some of my pain of last week. There are others and I will post them in my next articles. I have company coming over so have to get off the computer for now.
Love to you all,