A friend earlier today emailed and asked me if I was okay? The following is a slightly edited version of what I emailed her back. It also explains why I haven't posted an article here in over a week.
No, I am not okay. Thank you for asking. When I started this Inner Child Letter Series, I expected to do some grieving but I never expected this intensity and it has knocked me on my butt. I am not handling it well at all. I have eaten most of 3 bags of chocolate this week and had my husband buy me a box of chocolate ice cream last night.
I haven't been able to write about the feelings because I don't know where to start or what to say. I did reach out early this morning and left a message on the Facebook page Reaching Survivors of Sexual Abuse and left a small comment. I haven't called my 12-Step sponsor about it. I don't know what to say to her. I did talk some Thursday night during my class on Grief. That helped some but only temporarily.
It doesn't help that my husband and I have both been sick this past week too. He has a really bad bladder infection that kept him home from work for almost a week.
With all of the energy shifts that have been going on, I have been having dizzy spells and the occasional nausea from that. On top of that I have been having headaches almost daily since I wrote my last post. I know the headaches are from stress and that part of me that resists all of the changes and the feelings. I can stay with the feelings for awhile and then I get scared and eat. I don't overeat during the day. I do it from supper on until I go to bed at night. Nighttime is a trigger for me. I am also not sleeping much. I go to bed sometime between 1:30-3:30 a.m. and get up sometime between 7:30-10:30 a.m. On the days that my headache builds, I finally take my prescription strength pain pills and then I am wiped out for the next 2 or 3 days from the headache and the pain pills which I hate to take for just that reason. With the headache, I am in too much pain to think clearly and with the pain pills I am drugged out and can't think. I have slept through several days this week because of either the headache or the pain pills.
The grief feels so big and deep. I did not expect this. It has been years since I have done grief work like this. I have forgotten how it feels. For years, I felt this way all of the time. That was years ago. It makes me afraid to continue this series of posts and I know that is exactly what I need to do.
Thank you (You know who you are. I am not mentioning your name as my friend because I didn't ask your permission.) for reaching out to me. I didn't know that I needed to say all of this. It is like your asking gave me permission to let go.
My friend suggested that I might have the beginning of a blog post in the above email so now you have it. Before this, I have had lots of thoughts going through my mind and a whole lot of feelings that I haven't wanted to feel and know that is exactly what needs to happen. As another friend Stash Serafin recently said, "Feeling is healing." Maybe it was the 3-year-old me that shut down those feelings, I don't know. Some voice in me just said, "Yes, you do know." Another part of me is still resisting this whole process and doesn't want to know. That is where my headaches are coming from.
As I mentioned above, I talked some about this in my Grief class on Thursday night. The leader of the class believes that the 11-year-old inner child is the one who is holding all of the knowledge of the abuse and all of the pain and the memories for the 3-year-old. This work is harder than I thought it would be. I am trying to be gentle with myself and stay with the feelings as much as I can and not beat myself up when I can't.
With everything that has been going on this week, it slipped my mind that June 1 was the 3rd Anniversary of when I posted my first article on Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker. That first article had nothing to do with incest. It is about my beliefs about past lives. It is called "Three Of My Past Life Experiences". You can find it at the following link:
This is enough sharing and vulnerability for today.
Inner Child Letter Series @ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/05/inner-child-letters-series.html
Three Year Old Adultress Revisited - Inner Child Letters Series - 1 @