A friend earlier today emailed and asked me if I was okay? The following is a slightly edited version of what I emailed her back. It also explains why I haven't posted an article here in over a week.
No, I am not okay. Thank you for asking. When I started this Inner Child Letter Series, I expected to do some grieving but I never expected this intensity and it has knocked me on my butt. I am not handling it well at all. I have eaten most of 3 bags of chocolate this week and had my husband buy me a box of chocolate ice cream last night.
I haven't been able to write about the feelings because I don't know where to start or what to say. I did reach out early this morning and left a message on the Facebook page Reaching Survivors of Sexual Abuse and left a small comment. I haven't called my 12-Step sponsor about it. I don't know what to say to her. I did talk some Thursday night during my class on Grief. That helped some but only temporarily.
It doesn't help that my husband and I have both been sick this past week too. He has a really bad bladder infection that kept him home from work for almost a week.
With all of the energy shifts that have been going on, I have been having dizzy spells and the occasional nausea from that. On top of that I have been having headaches almost daily since I wrote my last post. I know the headaches are from stress and that part of me that resists all of the changes and the feelings. I can stay with the feelings for awhile and then I get scared and eat. I don't overeat during the day. I do it from supper on until I go to bed at night. Nighttime is a trigger for me. I am also not sleeping much. I go to bed sometime between 1:30-3:30 a.m. and get up sometime between 7:30-10:30 a.m. On the days that my headache builds, I finally take my prescription strength pain pills and then I am wiped out for the next 2 or 3 days from the headache and the pain pills which I hate to take for just that reason. With the headache, I am in too much pain to think clearly and with the pain pills I am drugged out and can't think. I have slept through several days this week because of either the headache or the pain pills.
The grief feels so big and deep. I did not expect this. It has been years since I have done grief work like this. I have forgotten how it feels. For years, I felt this way all of the time. That was years ago. It makes me afraid to continue this series of posts and I know that is exactly what I need to do.
Thank you (You know who you are. I am not mentioning your name as my friend because I didn't ask your permission.) for reaching out to me. I didn't know that I needed to say all of this. It is like your asking gave me permission to let go.
Patricia
My friend suggested that I might have the beginning of a blog post in the above email so now you have it. Before this, I have had lots of thoughts going through my mind and a whole lot of feelings that I haven't wanted to feel and know that is exactly what needs to happen. As another friend Stash Serafin recently said, "Feeling is healing." Maybe it was the 3-year-old me that shut down those feelings, I don't know. Some voice in me just said, "Yes, you do know." Another part of me is still resisting this whole process and doesn't want to know. That is where my headaches are coming from.
As I mentioned above, I talked some about this in my Grief class on Thursday night. The leader of the class believes that the 11-year-old inner child is the one who is holding all of the knowledge of the abuse and all of the pain and the memories for the 3-year-old. This work is harder than I thought it would be. I am trying to be gentle with myself and stay with the feelings as much as I can and not beat myself up when I can't.
With everything that has been going on this week, it slipped my mind that June 1 was the 3rd Anniversary of when I posted my first article on Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker. That first article had nothing to do with incest. It is about my beliefs about past lives. It is called "Three Of My Past Life Experiences". You can find it at the following link:
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2007/06/three-of-my-past-life-experiences.html
This is enough sharing and vulnerability for today.
Patricia
Related Articles:
Inner Child Letter Series @ http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/05/inner-child-letters-series.html
Three Year Old Adultress Revisited - Inner Child Letters Series - 1 @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2010/05/three-year-old-adultress-revisited.html
23 comments:
Colleen, thank you for the hugs and prayers. I always appreciate your encouragement. No, this week it doesn't feel like I am courageous.
Patricia - I remember when you said you were going to start on the inner child work, but didn't know where it might lead you! It has worked that way for me at times - I didn't know how intensely I was going to open the grief/feelings package beforehand, which was good, because if I did, I wouldn't have done it, no matter how necessary!
I hear all you're going through - I think there are a number of us who have been going through an accelerated growth process since that big shift around Easter! I hear how powerful the feelings you've been experiencing! The healing from that will be enormous as well - which is usually of little comfort to me when I'm in the middle of the valley and the dementors have me surrounded.
I made the comment to someone about two weeks ago that I had grown as much in the past week as I had in all the past year! Which sound like the pace you're experiencing too! I think it is a wonderful solace that our circle is going through similar in so many ways - that we have the comfort of at least not feeling alone when it is so intense!
Way to go, Patricia, for going through it, and for being vulnerable enough to share about it!
Warmly,
Dan
Hi Patricia,
I wanted to send you a big hug and tell you how much I appreciate you for your persistence and your dedication to the work. So many benefit from the honesty with which you consistently share with. Hang in there and remember, we are all in this together..
Love Darlene
Dan, thank you for your continued support. You are right in that if I had known this grieving was going to be so intense that I might not would have opened the door with this series of letters. I have a second letter to write to the 3-year-old before I would away from this one. She is the inner child that carries all of the shame of the incest.
Darlene, thanks for the hugs and the words of encouragement. Part of me wants to hide from this stage of recovery and wants me to not share it so publicly. Honesty means sharing it all since I started this journey of writing about incest.
Pat thank you for your inspiring post. You are a woman of strength and an encouragement. Blessings ((((Pat))))
Patricia, you are so brave and caring to go back to your 3-year-old and tell her how much you love her. Please be proud of yourself. It is so hard. After reading your last post, I decided to reconnect with my 12-year-old to help her through the abuse that was happening at that time. It is so hard. I have not been the same since and I think it has to do with how sad and hopeless my little girl feels. The hardest thing for my 12-year-old to accept is that she can trust me. She never could trust any adults so she can't just agree to trust me. I need to earn it.
Little 3-year-old darling, look at Patricia and see the difficult thing she as done connecting with you. Watch her actions to see how genuine she is. Understand you can trust her and know she has gone through the difficulties for you and brought you the warmth of a shining light to comfort you. See what a wonderful, strong, beautiful, brave woman she has become and understand that will someday be you.
Patricia, thank you for helping me take the step or reconnecting. You are such an inspiration to others. I can't even open up to my husband regarding what I am going through and you post it here. Wow.
Healing hugs and sparkling light coming your way.
Patricia, I am in your corner. My inner child work is a hard going whilst I do enjoy so many loving brillinat moment with my inner kids. Surely the littlest one is still struggling hard. Some days I didnt even leave the bed. Some days I rejected myself for having started this journey. Lately I am so grateful that I started this journey. Slowly my past becomes my future. BTW, I had plenty of chocolate, plenty of homemade mousse auc chocolate. And it was ok. Simply ok. We deserve this bit of sweet comfort on such a hard road. It is 100% ok. Yeah, the 2kg I have now around my hips, so what? My kids and I will go for some walks. Besides if I dont lose these 2kgs,. Well, 2kg more but unburdenend by the past great exchange. Keep you in my thoughts. Paula
Dear Patricia -
I wish I could add some encouragement here.
I don't think it is possible to get over this.
I never have.
I have stopped trying.
Blogger.com was down this morning for about half of the day. I got your comments but wasn't able to publish them or comment back until down.
Hold Fast, thank you for your encouragement. Congratulations on reconnecting with your 12-year-old self. Yes, inner child work, especially the grieving part, can be hard. The healing that results is worth the effort. Yes you will be changed as I have been. Getting your inner child to trust you is the biggest step. In order to survive my own incest experience, I abandoned my inner children and kept them hidden away in my mind and didn't allow them any play or expression. It took time on my part to get them to start to trust that I wouldn't abandon them again and that I wouldn't allow anybody to hurt them again. You start slow and just keep talking to them until they learn to trust you. It will happen. It doesn't happen in an instant. It takes time. Let them out to play. Ask what they enjoy doing. Years ago, I explored the world of oil painting with my inner kids. This time I am going to try acrylic paints and maybe even do some finger painting. We will see. Grieving isn't the only emotion to come from your inner kids. Joy and creativity also comes from them. Love them by learning to love yourself.
Paula, thank you for sharing part of your journey with me. I visited your blog and read about some of what you have done with your inner kids. I love the teddy bear and little girl in your 3 Pilgrims drawing. I think I may get my panda bear out of retirement for this part of my journey with my inner children. They and I could use the comfort.
I look forward to hearing more of your journey through France and Spain. I read the book by Shirley MacLaine years ago when she traveled the El Camino Real. I hope I got that name of the pilgrims' highway right. A part of me would love to walk and have that spiritual adventure. It has to be a great way to reconnect with yourself on so many levels.
Corinne, I feel your pain. If you ever change your mind, I am here for you. I know the burden that you carry. I don't know if any survivor ever gets completely over the incest. As much as I have worked on my issues and as much as I have released, there is still so much more there that still effects me today as this last week is a good example of. Know that you are loved, my friend.
Your blog posts will help so many others who are suffering. I am sure they will be encourage to get the help that they need. Thank you so much for sharing.
Brooklyn, thank you for your encouraging words. I am sending your prayers and blessings. Thank you for the reminder to be grateful from your own blog article.
I do have so much in my life to be grateful for. This blog and the connection to many online friends and their encouraging words is big on my list of things to be grateful for. I so appreciate everyone of you who comments and shares your wisdom, your fears, your love and your encouragement. I thank you.
Dear dear Patricia, I'm so sorry you are hurting so deeply. It sounds very painful. Remember to go easy on yourself. You deserve to feel safe, to have a break, to take your time, to feel proud of yourself, to see yourself as courageous. Because you are. I see the work you are doing as the psychological equivalent of running a giant marathon. I know the urge to push on but remember breaks and water an going at your own pace are all necessary. Sending safe nourishing peaceful thoughts for your rest and recovery to you and you. Inner children. And much love.
Katie, thank you for your concern. Since I posted this on Sunday, the grief has been getting lighter. Thanks for the analogy to running a marathon. That does feel like what this has been. Be as kind to yourself as you have been to me and I will do the same.
Oh, Patricia. I'm so sorry this is so painful. I think I know quite a bit about what you're going trough. It is a tough road. There is just no denying that. But, I agree: feeling IS healing. It's just too bad it hurts so much. ((((((((Patricia)))))) Feeling for you and sending warm, gentle hugs.
Marj, thank you so much for your comfort and hugs. Except for the nausea that I have been experiencing the past few weeks, everything seems to be better. The cloud of grieving has lessened most of the way.
JBR, thank you for your compliment. You are just as strong as I am. You are just as brave as I am. It is amazing how sometimes others see us as we are before we do.
For some reason, I just got your comment from June 7 today. Blogger has been busy with all of their new changes and sometimes the regular stuff doesn't work the way it should.
(((Just Be Real)))
This post was included in the September 2010 Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: Inner Child edition hosted by Dan L. Hays at http://danlhays.wordpress.com/2010/09/17/september-2010-blog-carnival-against-child-abuse-inner-child/
Dan is a wonderful host and has gathered some great blog posts to read. The bloggers would all appreciate your comments on their articles. I know that I would.
I think I related to this post of yours on a deeper level, too, after reading it again. Thanks for letting us use it for the blog carnival.
I remember asking this question at some point in a blog post of my own: "We all heal, eventually, from lost loves and broken hearts as adults. But, how do you heal the broken heart of a child?"
Being treated the way we were by the very people who gave us life and were supposed to parent, comfort, guide and protect us is just nothing short of heart breaking.
And, when I do feel the feelings (which as I said I also agree is the key to healing) I come out of it feeling completely devastated sometimes. I think that's the only word for it: Devastated.
I think, at these times, all we can do is keep comforting--providing the comfort we did not get as children.
Marj, thank you for this comment. I never thought about the fact that my dad sexually abusing me as a child broke my heart. What you say is so true. It did break my child's heart at the time. I remember the disgust that I felt toward my dad that first time that he raped me in the loft of a hay barn in the dark.
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