Sunday, July 26, 2009

Lies Incest Perpretrators Tell Their Victims

Lies Incest Perpretrators Tell Their Victims:

1. This is your fault. You are bad, therefore it is ok for me to do this to you. You deserve it.

2. No one will believe you. You are just a kid, no one will believe you over an adult. Your mom doesn't want to know.

3. I love you. The only reason that I am doing this to you is because I love you. You are special to me. We have a special bond between us that you can't share with anyone else. They wouldn't believe you if you told them.

4. Your mother doesn't care. She wouldn't stop this if she knew. She doesn't love me the way that you do. She hates sex. I have to get it somewhere. If you say no, then I will have to cheat on your mother with some other woman. You don't want that to happen do you. It would be your fault if we split up.

5. You don't want to hurt your mother by telling her, do you? This is just our little secret. Besides, she wouldn't believe you. She would be jealous if she knew.

6. You seduced me. It is all your fault.

7. You know you wanted it. If you didn't want it, I wouldn't do it.

8. You don't mean it when you say no. I know you love me and you want it as much as I do.

9. You have to do what I say. I am the adult. What you want isn't important. Do what I say or you will get a beating.

10. What women want doesn't matter. I am a man. I am the important one in this family. What I say goes no matter what. Women are trash to be used for sex when the man wants. That is all you are good for.

These were the lies that I was told as a child by my dad. I don't think they are any different than the lies told to other children from abusive homes. As an adult, I no longer believe these lies. As a child, I didn't know that they were lies made up by my dad to keep me under his rule.
Patricia

25 comments:

Colleen said...

Thank you for this. It is good to be reminded that I am not alone and that I heard the same messages. And they are all lies. Hugs.

Patricia Singleton said...

Colleen, it was your current struggle that reminded me of all these lies that I grew up with.

rox said...

This is good Patricia ! I'm going to write a myth vs fact post soon about sexual abuse .
I think though your #4 & #5 could also say the word parent in place of mother as I know many who were sexually abused by the mother and father and also many women who are predators .
keep it up all the little voices eventually turn into one
big one ;-)

Patricia Singleton said...

Rox, you are right that I could use the word parent. For me, it was my mother who was the passive abuser on the sidelines. For others, it could just as easily be the father who wasn't the active abuser.

Corinne Edwards said...

All I can say is -

OH MY GOD

All true.

Do you have a twitter account, Patricia?

I could not find it although I posted this article.

Patricia Singleton said...

Corinne, I probably have a Twitter account opened but like Facebook and MySpace, I don't use it. I opened the MySpace account when my son lived in Denver because he had one. He didn't read his regular emails much but was on MySpace every day. I have the Facebook account which my daughter uses and I set it up because of a class that I took online. I don't know how others have the time to do the extras like Twitter. I opened the Twitter account but have never used it.

Patricia Singleton said...

Corinne, thanks for putting this on your Twitter site. The statistics used to be 1 out of 3 women were sexually abused as children rather than the 1 out of 6that you stated.

Marj aka Thriver said...

That's the thing. Kids don't know that these are lies and the perp uses that innocence against the victim. I'm so sorry you had to believe these lies and act accordingly, just to survive. ((((Safe Hugs))))

Thanks so much for your supportive, wonderful words at my blog the other day when I was hurting so much from the lies I was also told as a child. Your comment really touched me and meant a lot to me. Bless you!

Patricia Singleton said...

Marj, I wish that I could take your pain away. Supporting each other when we are hurting is what our community of bloggers is all about. Blessings back to you. You are in my prayers.

suZen said...

I posted a comment and it hasn't shown up? Not sure what happened (I'm no techy, believe me!) Anyway, you sure nailed this!

Patricia Singleton said...

SuZen, sorry about the other comment not showing up. I haven't received any from you but this one. My technical skills aren't the best either. Thanks for posting again.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Again stunning real and helpful.
You are a Hero Patricia, thank you for all of the support you send out into the word. You are a being filled with light.

Patricia Singleton said...

Vicki, thank you for your words. They are important to me.

VICKI IN AZ said...

I came back to tell you again how much you mean to me.
I hope your headache was relieved and that you were gentle with yourself after such a busy month.

I don't think you can know the kind of boost and confidence it gave me when you left that comment. To tell me that something I said would help you was and is an extraordinary feeling.
We all need to hear that we matter. You are a builder Patricia as well as a Lightworker, this is a wonderful gift.
♥,
Vicki

Patricia Singleton said...

Vicki, thank you. I am blessed by your support as much as you are by mine. It is a gift that I am grateful to possess. Again, thanks for your visits. I am glad that you chose to write about your experience on your blog. It helps me to read them and know that others know what I am feeling. The headache is better. I have a doctor's appointment on August 25 to see if it is my blood pressure acting up again.

Jannie Funster said...

It can't be easy for you to go to that spot again, yet you do to help others. You are very brave.

Patricia Singleton said...

Jannie, thank you. I don't see myself as any braver than the many others who read my blog and who have survived childhood abuse.

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

I was told those same lies. I don't know, but for some reason I did not believe them. I am glad that you no longer believe them. Knowing the truth is liberating (at least, it was for me).

Patricia Singleton said...

Elizabeth, thanks for your visit. You are such an inspiring lady. Blessings to you and Doah.

Some of these I knew were lies as soon as they were spoken. Others took me years to unbelieve. Today, I know them for what they are, lies.

If you want to read about courage,click on Elizabeth's name above and go read about her struggles as a mother of a truly blessed special child, Doah and his struggles just to survive.

From the one article that I have read so far, Doah is such an amazing young man and a true blessing to those who come in contact with him. I am going back to read more.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I remember this post. It's excellent and I remember being touched by it on a very personal level. It's so perfect for entry into THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. Thanks for letting us use it for October's edition!

Michael Finley said...

I was ignorant of this. Thank your for bringing this to light.

Patricia Singleton said...

Marj, thanks. I thought it needed to be revisited so I submitted it to The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for October to give it other readers more exposive to some of the lies that we are told as children by our abusers.

Patricia Singleton said...

Michael, thanks for visiting and commenting. For anyone interested in reading the other articles that were submitted to The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse you can find it at the following link for October's issue:
http://inthebestinterest.blogspot.com/2009/10/blog-carnival-against-child-abuse.html

sarah said...

reading this list makes me so mad Patricia. I'm so glad you are sharing. We need to voice the secrets we kept. Hugs. Sarah

Patricia Singleton said...

Sarah, by sharing this list, I hoped that others might get a little more understanding of why many incest survivors don't talk about their abuse for many years after, if at all. In Al-Anon, I was told that we are as sick as the secrets that we keep.