Lies Incest Perpretrators Tell Their Victims:
1. This is your fault. You are bad, therefore it is ok for me to do this to you. You deserve it.
2. No one will believe you. You are just a kid, no one will believe you over an adult. Your mom doesn't want to know.
3. I love you. The only reason that I am doing this to you is because I love you. You are special to me. We have a special bond between us that you can't share with anyone else. They wouldn't believe you if you told them.
4. Your mother doesn't care. She wouldn't stop this if she knew. She doesn't love me the way that you do. She hates sex. I have to get it somewhere. If you say no, then I will have to cheat on your mother with some other woman. You don't want that to happen do you. It would be your fault if we split up.
5. You don't want to hurt your mother by telling her, do you? This is just our little secret. Besides, she wouldn't believe you. She would be jealous if she knew.
6. You seduced me. It is all your fault.
7. You know you wanted it. If you didn't want it, I wouldn't do it.
8. You don't mean it when you say no. I know you love me and you want it as much as I do.
9. You have to do what I say. I am the adult. What you want isn't important. Do what I say or you will get a beating.
10. What women want doesn't matter. I am a man. I am the important one in this family. What I say goes no matter what. Women are trash to be used for sex when the man wants. That is all you are good for.
These were the lies that I was told as a child by my dad. I don't think they are any different than the lies told to other children from abusive homes. As an adult, I no longer believe these lies. As a child, I didn't know that they were lies made up by my dad to keep me under his rule.
Patricia
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
July Blog Carnival: aka Freedom to Heal
Mile 191 has hosted the July Blog Carnival: aka Freedom to Heal this month. Freedom to Heal is the topic because of the celebration of July 4 as the Independence Day of the U. S. from England. We each declare our freedom from abuse in different ways. Thank you Mile 191 for hosting this Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for this month. My recent article "Independence Day" was in the Blog Carnival.
You will find the Blog Carnival at the following link:
http://mile191.blogspot.com/2009/07/july-blog-carnival-aka-freedom-to-heal.html . Mile 191 hosts the carnival at her blog Come Into My Closet. If you are wondering the meaning of Mile 191 here is the article that explains that choice of name: http://mile191.blogspot.com/2008/11/why-mile-191.html .
Have a glorious day, unless you choose to do otherwise.
Patricia
You will find the Blog Carnival at the following link:
http://mile191.blogspot.com/2009/07/july-blog-carnival-aka-freedom-to-heal.html . Mile 191 hosts the carnival at her blog Come Into My Closet. If you are wondering the meaning of Mile 191 here is the article that explains that choice of name: http://mile191.blogspot.com/2008/11/why-mile-191.html .
Have a glorious day, unless you choose to do otherwise.
Patricia
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Blog Link Love
Can you believe that the summer is already half over. Kids go back to school in about six weeks or so depending upon your school system. I am so thankful that my kids are grown and we no longer have to go through that. Daniel is talking about the possibility of flying to Idaho before school starts to visit our daughter, son-in-law and their four kids before they start back to school. I don't envy my daughter trying to get four kids in school.
I have had a quiet week and don't have anything urgent to write about today. I thought I would share some of the blogs that I discovered this week. We have such an amazing amount of writers and knowledge on just about anything you want to look up on the internet these days. It used to be the library that you went to for information. Today it is the worldwide web without having to even leave the comfort of our air conditioned homes.
Here are the blogs that I discovered this week:
The first blog is called Keeping It Real written and hosted by Darren Sproat found at
http://blog.darrensproat.com/ . I read several articles by Darren and his guest authors this week: "Energize your Passion and "Clear Your Limitations" were written by Mr. Sproat. "Healing Tree Grounding Ceremony" and "Spiritual Connection?" were written by a guest author, Frank Dickinson. I liked Darren's site so much that I subscibed to it and look forward to reading more.
The second blog that I ran across this week is called Positively Present written by Dani. The article that I read is "saying no to negativity is as easy as ABC(DE)". I have several negative people in my life, including myself at times. I tend to give in to negativity when I am afraid of circumstances or the people involved. The article gives you ways to deal with negativity when it comes up. The list is called "The ABCDE Disputation Technique (or, 5 Ways to Get Rid of Negativity)". Do yourself a favor and check out the article at the following link:
http://www.positivelypresent.com/2009/07/disputing-negativity-is-as-easy-as-abcde.html .
The third blog for this week is called The Rat Race Trap and is written by Stephen Mills. This blog is a personal development blog that offers some really sound advise. The articles that I read are "Stop Being the Victim" and "Finding Your True Self". You will find Stephen's blog at the following link: http://www.ratracetrap.com/ .
The fourth blog is written by Evelyn Lim and called Attraction Mind Map. Evelyn's blog is about "Attract [ing] Abundance With Your Mind" which is the subtitle of her blog. The article that I read is called "Love The Man In The Mirror." To check out this blog, go to the following site: http://www.attractmindmap.com/love-the-man-in-the-mirror/ .
The fifth and last blog for this article comes from Another Sober Alcoholic. Even though I am not an alcoholic, I learned in Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics groups that I have some of the characteristics of an alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic only because I choose not to drink. I have too many fears of how I would behave as an alcoholic to ever want to test that alcoholic gene that I carry. You will find this blog at the following link: http://steveroni.blogspot.com . Steve seems to have quite a bit of information to offer through the sharing of his own journey of being a recovering alcoholic.
Happy Reading,
Patricia
I have had a quiet week and don't have anything urgent to write about today. I thought I would share some of the blogs that I discovered this week. We have such an amazing amount of writers and knowledge on just about anything you want to look up on the internet these days. It used to be the library that you went to for information. Today it is the worldwide web without having to even leave the comfort of our air conditioned homes.
Here are the blogs that I discovered this week:
The first blog is called Keeping It Real written and hosted by Darren Sproat found at
http://blog.darrensproat.com/ . I read several articles by Darren and his guest authors this week: "Energize your Passion and "Clear Your Limitations" were written by Mr. Sproat. "Healing Tree Grounding Ceremony" and "Spiritual Connection?" were written by a guest author, Frank Dickinson. I liked Darren's site so much that I subscibed to it and look forward to reading more.
The second blog that I ran across this week is called Positively Present written by Dani. The article that I read is "saying no to negativity is as easy as ABC(DE)". I have several negative people in my life, including myself at times. I tend to give in to negativity when I am afraid of circumstances or the people involved. The article gives you ways to deal with negativity when it comes up. The list is called "The ABCDE Disputation Technique (or, 5 Ways to Get Rid of Negativity)". Do yourself a favor and check out the article at the following link:
http://www.positivelypresent.com/2009/07/disputing-negativity-is-as-easy-as-abcde.html .
The third blog for this week is called The Rat Race Trap and is written by Stephen Mills. This blog is a personal development blog that offers some really sound advise. The articles that I read are "Stop Being the Victim" and "Finding Your True Self". You will find Stephen's blog at the following link: http://www.ratracetrap.com/ .
The fourth blog is written by Evelyn Lim and called Attraction Mind Map. Evelyn's blog is about "Attract [ing] Abundance With Your Mind" which is the subtitle of her blog. The article that I read is called "Love The Man In The Mirror." To check out this blog, go to the following site: http://www.attractmindmap.com/love-the-man-in-the-mirror/ .
The fifth and last blog for this article comes from Another Sober Alcoholic. Even though I am not an alcoholic, I learned in Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics groups that I have some of the characteristics of an alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic only because I choose not to drink. I have too many fears of how I would behave as an alcoholic to ever want to test that alcoholic gene that I carry. You will find this blog at the following link: http://steveroni.blogspot.com . Steve seems to have quite a bit of information to offer through the sharing of his own journey of being a recovering alcoholic.
Happy Reading,
Patricia
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Independence Day
July 4 is Independence Day in the U. S. A. We have lots of cook-outs, family gatherings and fireworks displays to attend. Many people spend time in their back yards with family and friends or go swimming, fishing and boating on our many lakes.
Some of us use this day to declare our independence from our abusive past. Some of this comes out in blogs such as "Surviving By Grace" which posted the following article she called Declaration of Independence. I have been reading Colleen's blog for awhile now. Colleen is a woman of great courage whom I have come to admire as she handles her struggles toward independence from an abusive father. Her words are heart felt and full of courage and strength. Her journey hasn't been an easy one as she struggles to reconnect with her personal power. You can find Colleen's personal Declaration of Independence at the following link: http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/2009/06/declaration-of-independence.html . When you visit Colleen's blog, take the time to read the articles that tell of her journey to reach the point of declaring her independence.
Over the past few weeks, I have been sorting through some of my old writings looking for a particular few pages that are still eluding my searches. Instead I found a Bill of Rights list that I wrote for myself over 10 years ago that I want to share with you now.
Some of us use this day to declare our independence from our abusive past. Some of this comes out in blogs such as "Surviving By Grace" which posted the following article she called Declaration of Independence. I have been reading Colleen's blog for awhile now. Colleen is a woman of great courage whom I have come to admire as she handles her struggles toward independence from an abusive father. Her words are heart felt and full of courage and strength. Her journey hasn't been an easy one as she struggles to reconnect with her personal power. You can find Colleen's personal Declaration of Independence at the following link: http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/2009/06/declaration-of-independence.html . When you visit Colleen's blog, take the time to read the articles that tell of her journey to reach the point of declaring her independence.
Over the past few weeks, I have been sorting through some of my old writings looking for a particular few pages that are still eluding my searches. Instead I found a Bill of Rights list that I wrote for myself over 10 years ago that I want to share with you now.
BILL OF RIGHTS
I, Patricia Caldwell Singleton, have the right to be protected from active or passive abuses including physical incest, emotional incest, physical battering, verbal abuse and any other violation of physical or emotional boundaries.
I, Patricia Caldwell Singleton, should not have been subjected as a child to the following abuses: physical and emotional incest, verbal abuse, slappings, spiritual abuse and the violation of my physical and emotional boundaries.
I, Patricia Caldwell Singleton, give myself my assurance as an adult that I will never allow myself to be subjected to these abuses again, either at the hand of others or by my own hand.
I, Patricia Caldwell Singleton, will never knowingly inflict upon any other child these or any other passive or active abuses. The children I come in contact with, by my procreation or the procreation of others, deserve, as I did, to be protected from boundary violations and other inflictions that will damage their self-image or otherwise hinder their development into confident, healthy adults capable of loving and being loved.
The idea for the above Bill of Rights probably came from the book, Love Hunger Weight-Loss Workbook written by Dr. Frank Minirth, Dr. Paul Meier, Dr. Robert Hemfelt and Dr. Sharon Sneed. The other papers that I found with this page were dated as being written on October 20, 1993.
Writing a Bill of Rights or a Declaration of Independence is all about reclaiming your personal power from the abuser. It is about taking on the responsibility of your own growth. One of my favorite bloggers from Australia, Craig Harper who writes the blog "Renovate Your Life" resently wrote two articles on personal power. You will find his articles at the following links:
Taking Back Your Personal Power (Part 1) found at http://www.craigharper.com.au/personal-development/taking-back-your-personal-power-part-1/
Taking Back Your Personal Power (Part 2) found at http://www.craigharper.com.au/personal-development/taking-back-your-personal-power-part-2/
I hope that those of you who live in the U. S. A. had a wonderful 4th of July holiday and didn't eat so much food that you were miserable afterwards. My husband was out of town for July 4-5 so I spent the day with my sister who is visiting from Texas for a few days and my son. It was a quiet day that I enjoyed spending with two of my favorite people.
Patricia
Related Articles:
Grieving---A Necessary Process For Healing found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/05/grieving-necessary-process-for-healing.html
True Independence Comes From In-dependence found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/07/true-independence-comes-from-in.html
Independence, Not Just For A Day found at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/07/independence-not-just-for-day.html
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