Thursday, January 8, 2009

Who You Gonna Change? Why Should They Change?

So many people have the idea that they can get another person to change their behavior or have the idea that, "If he/she loved me, he/she would want to change to please me." Reality is you can't make another person change. You are only responsible for changing yourself, when and if you want to change. Changing the other person doesn't fix your problem except temporarily. Some other person will come along with the same trait, then you are faced with your issue again. The only thing that you can change is your opinion, attitude and reaction. You are the one who has to decide for yourself, "How important is it?" Nobody changes until they want to. Besides, it is your issue not the other person's. So work to resolve your issue rather than to get the other person to change.

If you are in a codependent relationship of any kind, whether it is with a spouse, parent, your child, or just a close friend, I would suggest that you read the book Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie. The book was first published in 1987 and is still full of valuable information. I first read the book in 1990. I saw so much of myself in that book. It was a real eye-opener. A whole 12-Step movement was built around this and similar books in the 1990's. I don't know if there are still any Codependence Anonymous groups around or not. If so and codependence is a problem in your relationships, I would find a group and attend. Talking about your relationships can help you to see what your part is and what isn't yours.
Have a glorious day.


qiman's world said...

This was a very enlightening read. If any one has to change it is ourselves and how we react to different situations, or not react as the case may be.

Patricia Singleton said...

Qiman's World, Thanks for letting me know that you got my message. If more people understood that the only person you can change is yourself, the world might be a more peaceful place. Instead of focusing on others, you should focus on what needs changing in you.

Anonymous said...

I said recently to a good friend of mine... if anyone tries to 'fix' you, I'm gonna kiss their ass!

It is in our nature to want others to be just like us - which is part of what makes it so hard to accept people and situations just as they are.

I don't think its just about co-dependent relationships - but about how people relate to themselves and others. Relationships simply magnify whatever issues we happen to have.

So, if I love someone warts and all when I meet them, it makes no sense to want to change them - for then I'm changing some of what I love. And for what?

Patricia Singleton said...

Svasti, I agree with you 100%.